When Life Barks at You

Ezra fell down the stairs yesterday.

I heard him crying as I was changing out of my church clothes and in a moment of panic, wondered if I had forgotten to shut the door to the basement after laying Jonas down for a nap.

Coming around the corner into the kitchen and realizing that the door was indeed open was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I ran. I ran so fast that I don't remember how I reached him. I only remember the way I felt. I picked him up and held him close and checked him all over.

I was shaking and crying and terrified.

He was fine. Truly, I'm not sure how, but he was and is completely fine.

I, on the other hand, remained a mess. I ripped myself apart with thoughts of my incompetency as a mother. I felt like the worst mom in the world, negligent and forgetful and guilty.

The only counselor I ever saw pinpointed me from the very beginning: "You are way too hard on yourself, Gretchen." This was one of those moments. I curled into myself and fixated on my failure.

I felt sick all afternoon. The "what-if's" and "what-could-have-been's" terrorized me. I allowed them to. Logically, I knew that Ezra was okay. I knew that he was safe and healthy and perfectly perfect. Yet I was allowing my thoughts to reek complete havoc on my peace.

Then there came a moment of decision for me. I was watching a video of our worship experience yesterday morning at church. The worship that day was powerful, anointed, and broke some chains off of me. As I re-experienced that moment via video, one of the lyrics jumped out at me: "You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a child of God".

Rescue. I knew that God had rescued my boy, again. I knew that with my whole being. I just didn't know why. Then, in that moment, it hit me. God is rescuing Ezra for Himself and some greater purpose that I cannot yet fathom. Something in me just knows it. I don't need to fear losing a boy that God seems intent to rescue.

Even in my failure, I cannot break what God intends to keep whole.

I knew then that I had a choice to make. I could keep ruminating on what could have happened, or what could happen the next time I forget to do something important. I could tie myself up in knots with question after question, the worst case scenarios building a grim future for my life.

Or I could choose to see God's mercy in the situation. I could see His saving hand and pour out my gratitude to Him. I could laugh in wonder at the amazing protection that God has ordered for my precocious Ezra. That was a moment of distinction for me:

Choosing to see God's protection in my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection, and not my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection.

And then thanking Him with all I have.

A couple of nights ago, we were visiting my aunt and uncle who live on a beautiful piece of land in Canton. They have an adorable golden retriever named Jack, who is still quite puppy-like in his behavior. Jack is sweet and energetic and BIG. My boys love dogs, but they are not used to dogs that big. So when Jack bounced around with them, barking, they got scared. They ran. Jack, who thought they were playing, ran after them. This caused terrified screams and cries from their cute little faces.

There was one time in particular that Finn was running from Jack, screaming. Matt called out to him, "Finn! Finn! Just run to me!" Matt knew that if Finn would run to him, then he would be able to protect him. He would handle the dog and keep Finn safe. When Finn kept running farther and faster away, it was difficult for Matt to do anything. He needed Finn close to protect him.

However, Finn couldn't hear his daddy calling. The dog was too close and the barking was too loud. Those teeth were too big and the situation was too scary. So he cried and screamed, powerless to do much else.

This was such a vivid example to me of how God responds to us in the barking chaos of our lives. When circumstances are overwhelming, He calls out to us to come close, to draw near. He wants to enclose us in the shadow of His wing so that He can better protect us. Yet sometimes the noise and the size of our circumstances just drowns out the voice of our Father and Protector. In our fear, we end up running further away from Him Who alone can help us.

Ezra falling down the stairs was life barking at me. Barking at me about my greatest fears and my most intimate failures.

When I drew close through prayer, it was then that God could speak the words that would restore my peace and dismantle my anxiety. I could have spent many days tied up in knots and broken over what almost happened. I know myself enough to know that I could have spiraled into a hole of fear and guilt.

God is speaking. He is always speaking. I choose to stay close to Him so I can hear Him above everything else and so that He can handle the noisy dogs of life for me. Dogs chase and bark, but God draws and whispers. Dogs will demand our attention but God will invite it.

It takes desire and true intention to focus on God over the chaos of our circumstances. But when we do, we will find a Father willing and capable to protect.

Peace as Shoes - Armor of God

The moment that I walked in the door after teaching on righteousness, my husband told me some information that immediately began attacking my peace. It was a financial issue, which is a common anxiety-inducer in my life.

I felt the familiar pangs of panic begin to tighten in my chest.

He was stressed out, I could see it. The good news is that when he gets stressed out, I know that there is no room for me to do the same.

I took a deep breath and assessed the situation for what it was: an excellent opportunity for me to walk in the shoes of peace for the next week before I taught on them.

Bring it on.

Most women get really excited to learn about peace. Whether one struggles with anxiety, worry,
discontentment, relational problems, or something else entirely, most every one can admit that she desires more peace in her life.

Right here, at the beginning, I need to say that peace is not a magic potion. It does not descend upon one's life like a fluffy, comforting cloud.

When I went through this study the first time, my teacher and friend, Heather, pointed out that peace is the one fruit of the spirit that cannot be conjured up. A person cannot will herself to peace. That stuck with me because I have tried, so incredibly hard, to make myself have peace. Nothing works.

Except...

In John 14:27, we see that Jesus bequeaths his peace to us; peace is already ours, but it does have to be fought for. There are a hundred things that can happen each day that could try to dislodge peace in our lives. Our circumstances constantly try to shake us. But we need to have the steady well of peace within us if we want to be able to bring peace to the circumstances around us.

"True peace is best detected and measured against the backdrop of commotion and confusion - when instability abounds, yet you remain steadfast; when disappointment and confusion are near, yet you're still capable of walking with Spirit-infused confidence, stability, and steadiness" - Priscilla Shirer

Shirer presents the specific type of shoes that Paul was talking about when he assigned peace to shoes. They were designed for battle and helped the soldiers to be effective on different types of terrain. These shoes had nail-like spikes that protruded from the bottom and allowed for firm grip while in battle.

They were meant to provide protection in the midst of the fight. These were not your mama's bunny slippers.

Paul wanted us to see that peace is meant to protect us from the crazy swirling around us.

While I had been nervous to teach on righteousness, I felt fairly confident teaching on peace. I educate myself on the subject of peace on a regular basis, because I need it. I've talked about my struggles with anxiety on this forum frequently. There's not a lot I need to rehash. The bulleted version is this:
*I've been prone to anxiety all my life
*I fell in a deep hole of it a few years ago
*God gave me wisdom to dig out
*I need to continue to be vigilant with peace to not get sucked back under the waves when they roar

The very cool thing is that the tools that I learned years ago to help dig out of my anxiety hole are extremely similar to what Priscilla Shirer teaches when instructing on the shoes of peace. This is not coincidence, it is solid truth and it's effective and powerful.

There are tested strategies that we can use to lock peace into place in our lives.

1. Peace is a matter of focus.
Circumstances that destroy our peace are empowered when we focus on ourselves. Self-focus is rich soil for things like anxiety and discontentment to grow quickly. The bad news is that we are naturally self-focused, but the great news is that we can do something about it.

With intention, we turn our eyes to God through worship. Worship restores our perspective because it reminds us of how powerful and beautiful God is. With intention, we turn our eyes to others through service. We ask what we can do to make someone else's day easier and how we can lighten someone else's load. We become reminded of how this world is not about us, and our comfort and happiness are minuscule matters in the scheme of things.

2. Peace is a matter of gratitude
When we choose to be thankful for all that God has already done and all that He is constantly doing for us, it is a consistent reminder that He is good and faithful. It starts with big things and then you will begin to feel a small amount of peace trickle in: God, thank you for the ones I love. Thank you for a job that provides. Thank you for a home as shelter.

The more you practice thankfulness, you start noticing smaller, more detailed things, but you feel it all in a bigger way: God, thank you that the sunrise this morning was perfectly timed so I could see it out my window as I got ready. The colors were really beautiful. God, thank you for that smile that my child gave me today. I could tell in that moment that he was feeling nothing but pure joy. God, thank you that my friend sent me that text that showed she was thinking of me. I needed that so badly.

Practicing gratitude opens our eyes to how constantly God is loving and caring for us. Peace floods in at this realization.

Shirer gives this equation: Trust fuels thanksgiving. Thanksgiving activates peace. I love this because it helps me remember that peace is already inside me, I just need to press the start button by giving thanks.

3. Peace is a matter of motion
We cannot hide from anxiety. We cannot run away from discontentment. These are temporary, ineffective ways of dealing with major heart issues. We must keep our feet moving in a forward direction to experience a lasting solution. We have to take that next step, fighting off the emotions that wish to strangle us in place.

When King David was fleeing from his son, Absalom, who was trying to usurp his throne, he wrote Psalms 3:3-5: "O Lord, look how my enemies have increased! Many are attacking me. Many are saying about me, 'Even with God (on his side), he won't be victorious'. But you, O Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high. I call aloud to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep. I wake up again because the Lord continues to support me."
David's safety and identity are both being threatened as he writes; you can feel his emotions trying to overtake him. In one of the best sermons I've ever heard on anxiety, Timothy Keller points out that the shield described in this verse was a specific type of shield that covered the front and top portion of a soldier. It was extremely effective in protecting those who moved forward in battle. However, if that soldier turned and ran, he was completely vulnerable to attack because his back was exposed. This is such a stellar illustration of how God's protection works best for us when we continue in motion. When we retreat and give up territory, our problems with anxiety and discontentment do not go away. They actually gain the territory in our lives that we have relinquished. We have not won when we run; we have only delayed our defeat for awhile.

When I mentioned above about our financial issue, it sounds like I handled it so maturely. Please understand, it sounds so simplified in a blog like this. That night, my mind still tried to jump to those worst case scenarios. My stomach still tightened with anxiety. My heart still started racing.

I still struggled.

But I immediately chose to see the attack on my peace as a gift in disguise. It took a few days for my mind, stomach, and heart to catch up with that decision. But they did catch up. Days later, I was walking in full confidence, knowing that the financial situation would be solved, one way or another. I didn't think this because I had any reasonable evidence for it. Rather, I believed it because I had chosen to fix my eyes on God instead of my situation. I worshiped Him and thanked Him for the response to my prayers before I saw it. I was not paralyzed in fear, but moved forward in the situation through prayer and fasting. The peace that was in the deep well within me expanded and overflowed into the circumstances around me. And?

And the situation resolved. Completely, and then some.

Having the power to choose where we fix our eyes is a powerful gift that God gives us. He could control our minds into peace if He so desired.

However, authentic relationship with us matters too much to Him. He wants us to trust Him because He's sovereign and loves us. He wants us to thank Him because He is good and takes care of us. He wants us to have His peace, that's why He gave it to us.

We just need to activate it.

Big Old, Bright Red Target - Armor of God Intro

I knew I was asking for it.

I knew that if I took the necessary steps to teach this Bible study, it would be drawing a target on my back. I knew that God would want to walk me through what I was teaching before I got up in front of His precious women and acted like I knew what I was talking about. I knew that the information from the Bible study could change lives.

So I fought it for a few weeks. I bided my time. And then, finally, I allowed the big old, bright red target to be drawn on my back. I asked for it.

I signed on to teach the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer at my church. It has been a fabulous, difficult summer of learning and teaching! But I am not stopping there, no. I feel as though I am also supposed to write about the things that I learned and taught throughout this summer. God has seen me through so much. He's incredibly faithful. Maybe there is someone who could not attend the class but will read these words so that the powerful truth from this study can continue impacting and changing lives.

That's my hope, anyway.

Being more timid by nature, I tend to like to fly under the radar. But I have learned over time that that tactic absolutely does not work. Somehow, some way, I still get targeted; perhaps you feel the same? We may as well embrace it and wield the tools that can help us to battle.

My pastor gave a sermon a few weeks ago on the things that get under our skin and fire us up with a holy passion. That resonated with me because something immediately jumped to my mind that made it personal: I get passionately worked up when I hear of women who struggle with anxiety and depression.

The numbers are staggering, and they make me angry. And that, essentially, is why I chose to teach about the armor of God. Because there is a specific plan for battle, and victory is ours. We just need to live it.

Since Eve, the enemy has relished targeting women. I believe that the enemy loves to target women through our tender spots: our emotions and relationships.

Maybe you struggle with fearful thoughts and imagining worst case scenarios.
Maybe you are tired from fighting off thoughts of sadness and hopelessness.
Maybe you feel sick about how you cannot keep your temper and emotions under control.
Maybe you feel like a relational leper because you cannot seem to love others in healthy ways.
Maybe you let people walk all over you and have never felt loved in a way that feeds your soul.
Maybe you feel tied up in knots because of a fight that never seems to resolve.

Many days we feel like we're losing the battle. But it doesn't have to be that way.

In God's hands, our emotions and gift for relationship, the things that Satan wants to use to bring us down, can become strengths. 

Yet, in order to win the battle, we must first suit up.

Ephesians 6:10-18:
"Finally, receive your power from the Lord and from his mighty strength. Put on all the armor that God supplies. In this way you can take a stand against the devil's strategies. This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world. For this reason, take up all the armor that God supplies. Then you will be able to take a stand during these evil days. Once you have overcome all obstacles, you will be able to stand your ground. So then, take your stand! Fasten truth around your waist like a belt. Put on God's approval as your breastplate. Put on your shoes so that you are ready to spread the Good News that gives peace. In addition to all these, take the Christian faith as your shield. With it you can put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Also take salvation as your helmet and the word of God as the sword that the Spirit supplies. Pray in the Spirit in every situation. Use every kind of prayer and request there is. For the same reason be alert. Use every kind of effort and make every kind of request for all of God's people".

Martha, Martha

Growing up, whenever I was about to get in trouble, my mom would always begin with, "Say, I've got a question..."  Upon hearing those words, I would brace myself that she had discovered some dastardly deed of mine and a grounding was imminent.

"Say I've got a question...do you know what happened to the basement window?"
"Say I've got a question...where did all the Nutter Butters go?"
"Say I've got a question...why are there still dirty dishes in the sink?"

I would brace myself for the words that would follow. To this day, she'll say those words and I will tense up for whatever she's about to speak.

Being a person prone to anxious feelings, I have spent a good portion of my life bracing myself for bad news and expecting worst case scenarios to play out. I want to be ready for anything, but in preparing myself for the worst, there is much that I miss out on.

When I live constantly bracing myself for potential problems, I am in a near constant state of tension which also means a lack of rest, a lack of peace, a lack of stillness.  I am missing out on the full benefits that are promised to me as a child of God. I am missing out on the joy and freedom and peace that are mine, because I am His.

Whenever anxiety is swirling around in my mind and my thoughts are jumping all over the place to things that are not going well or situations where trouble may arise, this Bible story pops into my head:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'" (Luke 10:38-42, NIV).

Sometimes all I need to hear internally in my flurry of activity is "Martha, Martha," and instantly I picture the difference between Martha and Mary. Martha, trying to do good, important work but with a wrong focus. Mary, a picture of stillness and peace at the feet of Jesus. The contrast is stark. Both are women that Jesus loves very much, but only one has her eyes set on him above all else. Only one is experiencing the rest of His presence.

"The Lord's people must trust Him to sustain and provide for their needs...resting is trusting in action." - Lauren Chandler

I read this quote a couple of weeks ago and it was a direct hit to my heart. If I trust God, and I do, then whatever He brings into my life and allows for me is what is best.

Period.

Unknowns will remain...always. There will always be chaos, or potential chaos, at every corner of life. There will rarely NOT be a reason to be worried. 

The only way to live in a state of rest is to continue to throw my trust on Him, however many times a day it takes. 

In my experience, the areas of my life where I am feeling anxious are the areas of my life that I am not fully surrendering to God. They are areas that, for whatever reason, are hard to give up.

"What you fear the most reveals where you trust God the least" - Craig Groeschel

At various times, those areas have included finances, my love life, my children's health, my relationships with friends or family members; the list goes on and on.

I can live in stillness and rest only where I am ready to embrace...whatever.

So here is what I am working on:

Instead of bracing myself for the worst, I am embracing whatever God brings.

The rest that flows from that place of surrender is complete and immediate. It's trusting God not only in my heart and mind, but with my actions. It's prying my fingers off any areas of concern, and resting in the TRUTH that He is in control and He loves me.

He is in control. And He loves me.

Both beliefs are essential in order for my mind to be at rest.

"God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows." - Timothy Keller

Stop bracing for the worst. Start embracing God's best.

Because with God, it's always His best. Truly.

The more I know Him, the more I experience His goodness and mercy to me, and the more I realize how absolutely worthy He is of being trusted. 

"I don't know where I'm going, more and more each day; it's becoming more alright with me. Because when I know where I'm going my eyes keep me from trusting Thee" - Jason Upton

The Anxiety Monster and Singing

When I decided to start a blog 4+ years ago, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about every time. It ended up normally including some sort of parenting lesson I was learning courtesy of Finn, or commemorating some special event or memory in my life. It kept my love for writing alive.

I never thought that I could write about parenting techniques, because I certainly don't feel like an expert.
I never thought I could write about fashion or makeup, because I'm so not on the cusp of it.
I never thought I could write about tv shows or entertainment, because it feels kind of empty and fruitless.
I never thought I could write about fitness tips or tricks, because come on, let's get serious.

I didn't have any knowledge that could help a reader out.

So I just kind of wrote about our lives, and my personal experiences. I wrote about God nearly every time, because He's intensely personal to me.

Writing helps me process the chaos in my mind, and I guess I share it because truly, I hope others can identify and get something out of what I've walked through. Let's all just be messes together, am I right?

One of the biggest insecurities I have about putting our lives out there is, "Gretchen, do you really think people care? How many stories can you tell about yourself, really? Are you that self-involved that you can't talk about anything else?" The voices of insecurity play on inside my head.

But really, I write about my stories because my personal experience is the only thing I feel like I am an expert at.

However, the other night, I was with my best friend and we got on the topic of how we often go through hard times so that we are able to better help others through similar circumstances (2 Corinthians 1). I shared with her how I've been able to help many of our young adult women through anxiety because it's a monster in my life that I've had to learn to conquer. I've been able to use my personal experience with it to teach others about walking through it in the strength of God.

I said to Chanelle, "I could probably just keep a blog all about anxiety and how to deal with it on a daily basis."

I've dealt with anxiety so much that sometimes I feel like an expert at it.

For the past year and a half or so, my anxiety has flared up every time I am to sing in public. Now, I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of people, but that was just the shy girl in me. Since last February, however, it has been a much more intense, sometimes debilitating fear. So debilitating in fact, that I have been tempted to walk away from it entirely: "Maybe God just never meant for me to be a singer and I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not".

I've never counted myself as the best singer in any room, especially any room that my husband is in, but it is something I have genuinely loved all my life. I come alive when I hear music. I have music going constantly at home. Even when it's silent I'm usually singing whatever song is stuck in my head at that moment. I love to connect to God through music; I love looking at Him through lyrics and singing them, meaning every word with all my heart. I feel His presence in those moments.

But I had allowed the joy of singing to be stolen from me by giving anxiety a foothold - again - in my mind. Every time I was to sing in public, I became petrified that my voice was going to give out on me. I consistently thought that my throat felt scratchy and agitated. For days before singing, I would avoid talking on the phone, having long conversations with my husband, and even reading books to my boys in order to "save" my voice. It began to take over my life on those days.

Nobody has ever argued that anxiety is always rational, after all.

When I realized that I had allowed something I loved very much to be tarnished by anxiety, I began to get angry. It has been my experience that anger can be a healthy antidote to anxiety. It shows a fighting spirit and an unwillingness to back down to the bully that is anxiety.

Anxiety has to be fought. It will not go away on it's own. The more leeway it is given, the more it takes over. One has to be more stubborn than it - choosing over and over again, 100 times a day if needed - to focus on faith more than fear.

I'm still not totally over this particular battle. It continues to be a mental boxing match, but oh, the strides that have been taken. After all, sometimes battles are won slowly.

Each time I get up and sing even when I'm afraid, I put one more nail in the coffin of anxiety.

I now refuse to stifle my voice in the days beforehand, choosing to believe that God will use my voice as long as it's offered, and whether it's tired or not.

This whole singing ordeal has been one more ride on the anxiety carousel for me. Although it has been suffocating and frustrating and humiliating to the point that I only spoke of it with those closest to me, it has taught me more about the anxiety monster and more about the faithfulness of God. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

This past weekend I was leading a song for worship and began feeling anxious as soon as my husband told me on Wednesday evening. Thursday I happened to read this: "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe." (Mark 5:36).

That's God's grace, right there. I repeated that verse to myself over and over again during the next few days. I acted on it, willing myself away from anxious thoughts and focusing on belief. It carried me up to the moment I opened my mouth to sing.

Showing up afraid and singing anyway helps me to defeat the anxiety monster.

I can give you names of sermons I've listened to and books I've read and and verses I've memorized and songs I've heard that have helped me immensely against anxiety.

But, truly, the greatest weapon that I have found in defeating it totally lies in one thing: trusting that God loves me.

When I trust that God loves me, I am able to surrender to whatever His plans are for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I can relax in His ability to care for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I know He works all things - even hard things - for good.
When I trust that God loves me, I honor Him.

Nothing, truly, matters more than that.

Fear and Ice Cream

If there was one thing that I could wish for my boys to absolutely not to inherit from my gene pool, it would be my tendency towards anxiety and fear.

I can say, with relative certainty, that Finn inherited my olive skin tone, my stumpy legs, my sensitivity, my timidity......and my fear.

He is a typical first-born in many ways: he likes to be in charge, he benefits greatly from a strong schedule, and he likes to know everything that is going on - at all times.

What that looks like lately is that he asks questions when a situation is new to him. Lots and lots of questions.

Where are we going?
Why are we going?
What are we doing?
Who will be there?
Will you stay with me?
What do they have there?

He is a kid that likes to be prepared. He prefers to have knowledge of what he is walking into.

My mom tells me that I was much the same way. Before she would take me somewhere, she would prep me with all of the details so that it would lessen my anxieties. For example, when we would go to the doctor she would say something along the lines of,

"We will walk in to the waiting room and will wait there for a few minutes until they call our names. When they call our names, they will lead us back to the doctor's office where they will weigh you and check your height. The doctor will use a really cool tool to hear your heartbeat. Then it will be time for a nurse to come in and give you a shot. It will hurt for a second, but the pain will be over with quickly. I will be with you the whole time, and then we can get ice cream."

I found such comfort in knowing each step. When it was laid out all in front of me like that, it felt manageable and something that I could undertake. My anxieties would lessen. 

That is the kind of inherited fear I see in Finn - an anxiousness that lessons when one feels prepared and feels like he can manage whatever he is about to face.

So yes, some fear is inherited. 

But I am learning the older my big boy gets, that some fear is also learned. 

He can latch onto fears simply by watching the way that I act and react to the world around me. 

For example, I have a big old nasty fear of spiders. They are gross, they are ugly, and they have 8 spindly legs that they use to haunt my dreams. Don't even get me started on the webs they are able to create. Sticky, stretchy, yuck. 

Finn knows well my fear of spiders. It used to be that when we would play in our basement, where the spiders feel extra homey, I would screech at the sight of one and he would hop up and kill it for me with toilet paper. "My HERO!" I would exclaim. 

But there came a day a few months ago when all of a sudden Finn didn't want to kill the spider. He, too, wanted to run from it and stare at it in disgust, wishing it would drop dead from a evil glare. He began to shake his head and cower in the corner at the suggestion that he kill it. 

From curiosity and zero fear to cowering in a corner; I can only surmise that he learned this by watching his mommy. 

 - Fear as a personality trait can be inherited. This includes a certain tendency toward timidity and a fondness for being in control. When my mom would give me that speech before we ventured out, she was helping me to trust myself that I could handle what lay ahead. I do the same thing with Finn so that I can prepare him and cut way down on the chances that he might have a meltdown when he feels overwhelmed. This is a natural proactive parenting response. 

However, God does not treat us in the same way. He does not wish for us to trust ourselves, but leaves us in the dark about so much that lies ahead so that we may trust in Him. He does not lay out a step by step plan for us to take, but guides us one foot in front of the other. He does not give speeches like my mom gave, save for one line: "I will be with you the whole time" (Deuteronomy 31:8). This alone is to be enough to quell our fears of the unknown future. We are never left alone or unloved. 

 - Fear as a behavior can be learned. Our kids learn so much from watching us, maybe too much sometimes. They learn how to treat others, how to react in certain situations, how to spend their free time, and how to work through the chaotic world of emotions. What do you do when you are angry, or sad, or overwhelmed, or fearful? That will often be the first thing your child tries when he or she feels something similar. It honestly scares the bejeebers out of me that my boys are learning so much from me, because I know how short I fall in so many areas. I wish I could send them to my sister's house for two weeks and say, "Watch her instead. That's how it should be done." Behaviors are learned. Therefore, behaviors can also be un-learned and re-taught. 

I don't want my boy to prefer cowering in a corner, so I am going to try my hardest to squash the next spider I see as quickly as possible and with the biggest wad of toilet paper I can get - even if it kills me (and it just might). 

We don't have control over what our children inherit from us, but we can do something about the behaviors that they learn from us.

I can teach my son that faith stands up to fear, be it a new situation or a nasty spider. The best way I can teach him is by showing him how.

And that even though I can't prepare him for every little thing he might face, there is One that is always with him.

Also, if he's been a good boy, there can be ice cream afterwards (because Mommy will probably be wanting it too)!

Stubborn Choice

So, I wish that I could say that since my last blog, I have been living in total victory over discouragement.

In all actuality, the opposite is probably true. Life has not magically gotten easier. I didn't crack the code of some long kept ancient secret to never being discouraged.

Days are still hard and it is still a daily battle and it truly takes a stubborn choice sometimes to NOT be discouraged.

Over the weekend, I had the most annoying strain of stomach virus. I use the word annoying because it made me feel just sick enough: my body was achy and sick, but my mind was jetting around inside of my head, trying to beckon me to do the enormous list of things I knew needed to be done.

Talk about frustration. I can't turn my brain off and I can't find my body's on switch. I felt helpless and hopeless and just so very, very sad. Maybe a little sorry for myself. It was the 4th time I have been sick during this pregnancy, other than the standard nausea and exhaustion, and I was just so very done.

The last time I remember feeling this way was right after Jonas was born. I was so eager to get up and get moving and conquer the world of mothering two sweet boys.

I just couldn't.

The postpartum period was rough with Jonas because of the physical effects of the labor. While my mind was aching to use my "I'm a mother of TWO" anxiety to get active and prove to everyone (to myself) that I could do this, my body just simply would not cooperate.

I could barely walk. I could barely sit.

I could lay pretty well though, so there's that.

I had to accept others' help, rather than prove to everyone (to myself) that I could successfully mother two boys.

It was frustrating, but it was a phase.

So I try to keep that in mind as I feel like I deal with one sickness after another, one nauseous day after another, one lousy night of sleep after another.

It is frustrating, but it is a phase.

In the midst of dealing with all of these physical symptoms, I am clearly feeling some mental anxiety about having a third child. I am nervous. I don't feel like the natural mothering type and I am very hard on myself and I compare myself to others who do it so much better and I spin myself into circles and then into knots.

I so badly want to be amazing at this but so often do not feel like I am.

I want to prove to everyone (to myself) that I am a good mother.

Then yesterday morning I read it.

"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." Romans 4:4-5 MSG

In that moment, I was blissfully reminded that I cannot do it "all", nor am I expected to.

When mothering feels overwhelming to me and I feel so far less than excellent at it, I remember the help that is at my right hand by calling on God. My Deliverer, my Helper, the God Who sees me.

It honestly brings a sigh of relief to my exhausted body when I bask in the reality of His help. I know it not just as something that I read about in His Word, but as something that is true and lasting and comes right when I need it. I've called out for His help in a moment of despair or confusion and felt the immediate lightening of my problem.

I state here and now that I am not a perfect mother by my own abilities. I am far too often overwhelmed by all that I feel needs to be done and yet underwhelmed by what I feel are my own abilities.

But when I call on God and trust Him to act, I have all the help I will ever need. 

Breathe. Relax. Trust.

Weak for a Reason

I yelled at both of my boys in the span of 2 minutes today and had them both crying.

Finn was being mean to Jonas, so I scolded him. Then, when I was talking it out with Finn, Jonas wandered into the bathroom and began playing in the toilet water. The Finn-had-urinated-in-the toilet-and-not-flushed-it toilet water.

Surprised and aghast at both of their actions, I cried out in my primal mommy yell. I'm not proud about it. In fact, I felt pretty stinking lousy about it.

The strength of my emotions and the tough time I have controlling them 100% of the time is one of my personality traits that brings me the most shame. Emotions are telling, and they are always all over my face. My sin is tough to hide.

I am emotionally effusive. And often, it hoists on me a heaping pile of shame.

We have been talking about feelings of shame and condemnation in the young women's study that I lead on Wednesday nights. It's a tricky beast. So often when we feel ashamed for our behavior, we feel like we need to allow ourselves to feel beaten up about it. We need to suffer a bit, just to make extra sure that we learn our lesson. Right?

But here's the thing: when we beat ourselves up about our behavior, we are totally negating the price that Jesus paid for us. We take Him out of the equation and pretend that living victorious all depends on us.

When we dwell too long on our areas of weakness, we forget God's grace.

Our weaknesses serve as a powerful reminder that we absolutely cannot live victoriously on our own.

Paul said in that he delighted in his weaknesses because it reminded him of how much he relied upon his Savior. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Paul's wisdom astounds. He's absolutely right. When we allow our weaknesses to become a catalyst to remind us of God's strength, we are on the path to living a life of freedom, unrestrained by the chains of condemnation that wish to remind us of our failings.

If you are frustrated with your own weaknesses and shortcomings, thank God. Thank Him that He didn't leave you to do life on your own and will come with His help the exact moment you ask. It's when we admit that we need Him that He takes our invitation and enters our situation.

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NIV

"So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:16 MSG

One of my favorite chapters in Scripture talks about how God uses the challenges we face. It's one I have turned to time and time again since we entered the ministry field, because it reminds me of my purpose and calling:

2 Corinthians 1:3-6 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, if is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer."

Essentially what Paul is saying here is that when we go through hard times, we better learn how to invite God in and thereby deal with the dilemma. I believe this works even for learning how to handle daily struggles. We learn His grace when we invite Him into our failures. People who have not suffered much are typically short on compassion. They don't have an understanding of how to deal with tough times because they have no clue what tough times feel like.

God wants to comfort everyone. And He uses us to do it.

"I think God often allows you to be afflicted with the very disease He's called you to heal. If he didn't allow you to feel the pain, you would be arrogant." - Steven Furtick

I can speak personally of this, because another area of my life that threatens to cover me with shame is my struggle with anxiety (another emotional issue). Similar to Paul's thorn in the flesh that he is speaking about in 2 Corinthians 12, I have begged God to take it from me. My insides are crying out, "God, I trust you! I do! I know you love me and care for me but I'm so afraid of the pain that this (whatever it is) could bring!"

And I hear the steady drumbeat of shame coming closer: "If you really trusted God, you wouldn't be tied in knots right now. Some child of God you are. Look at all He's done for you and you're still doubting? What a sorry excuse. You're faithless. You're pathetic. Pull it together already. Some kind of example you are setting for all those young women you claim to care so much about. Weak. You're weak and far too sensitive for your own good. God is so disappointed in you."

Shame is ugly. But through grappling through the dark space of anxiety and the accompanying shame, I have felt first-hand the freedom that comes from inviting God into the situation. Now, when I feel the familiar tug of those feelings, I know what to do. I've felt the solution. And I can proclaim ecstatically, first-hand, the blessing of peace.

It is absolutely one of my primary goals in life to help others who are dealing with the same things I have felt suffocated by. Through the blood, sweat, and tears of this life, I have learned that we are each weak for a reason. We are weak to teach us compassion for others. We are weak to remember that we cannot live free all on our own. We are weak to invite God in and receive His mercy.

So today, I got to a place where I thanked God for my flourish of weakness. I prayed that He would help me to be more patient and understanding the next time, and that He would help me walk through a cranky day of parenting.

And then I prayed that He would use my weakness to comfort and bless someone else. Maybe, someday, I'll be able to say to another young mom, "I understand. You're not alone. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Go love on your kids, tell them you're sorry, and receive God's grace for your sin."

We're made to need God.

Yes, shame is ugly. But grace is so, so beautiful.

Lately

I have not had much time to sit around and ponder my usual "ponderances" lately. Life is good and busy. It is busy AND it is good.

I daily operate from a position of knowing I cannot do this on my own. This means that every day I need to take a step of faith into the belief that I am doing what God has called me to do and that He will provide as I follow Him forward.

Every day I need to drop my insecurities and rely on what God says about me. Every day I need to call on His strength and wisdom to make it to bedtime successfully. Every day I need to remember the purpose of these sacrifices and the reality of His calling.

Neediness is not a bad position to be in with God. He has provided for me in amazing ways this last month. I get giddy even thinking of His faithfulness.

True, there are times when I feel like I am hanging by a thread. It is almost like I am living in a state of constant stress....I am in a pattern of stressful homeostasis. It doesn't take much to descend into the place  where the tears flow freely and the ugly cry reigns supreme.

Just ask my husband :).

But each ugly cry is met with a new morning and new victories given by God.

This song has been the cry of my heart lately and I can't stop listening to it. It is a reminder of all things important.

What Do I Do With These 64 Crayons?

Well, classes start in just 2 and a half weeks and I have truly been running the gamut of emotions:

- Excitement because I know it is what I am supposed to be doing AND I am almost finished
- Sadness over spending significantly less time with Finn
- Nervousness over counseling actual clients
- Wonder over how our finances will be met
- Fear that the stress of it all will cause my sleep problems to creep back in

.....Gosh those are a lot of negative emotions. Can I mention the excitement again? Because that IS a big part of what I am feeling!

I am a person who has dealt with a wide berth of emotions for as long as I can remember. I recall one of my professors stating once that some people have an 8 color box of crayons in emotions.  They have all the basics - red, blue, yellow, which means that they feel all the basic emotions - anger, sadness, happiness, etc.

Then he said that there are others who have a 64 box of crayons - they feel all those basic emotions, but they also feel all sorts of different shades of those emotions. Metaphorically speaking, they have not only blue, but also periwinkle, aqua, turquoise. Realistically speaking, they feel sadness, but also happy sadness, content sadness, angry sadness.

All of that to say, I am pretty sure I have the 64 box crayon of emotions. Not only that, but because of my hypersensitivity, I am usually very in touch with whatever emotion that I am feeling.

In the past, I have lived in surrender to whatever emotion I was feeling at any given point in time. My emotions were in control, so to speak. I used to think that living under the control of my emotions was an authentic way to live  - my feelings were my guide about everything. And while emotions can definitely be A guide, they are not meant to be the sole leader of our lives.

So as I feel all of these emotions about starting classes, I am trying to focus on the positive ones to give them power over the negative ones. But I am also assuring myself that they are just emotions and they don't change what I know I am supposed to be doing. Gosh, I feel like this is quickly venturing into self-help territory!!  Moving on....

Another thing that I am learning to do with my plethora of emotions is to pray them.

I used to feel ashamed of the strength of some of what I felt. I felt anger strongly, I felt sadness strongly, I felt jealousy strongly; but I also felt love strongly, loyalty strongly, obedience strongly, joy strongly.

When I would feel ashamed, I would tend to hide from God, a la Adam and Eve in the garden.

But what I have learned is that God longs to hear the honesty of whatever we are feeling. When we hide from Him, we hinder what He can do in the situation.

Dr. Timothy Keller, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastors to listen to online, did a sermon series on "Praying Your Fears" and "Praying Your Tears".

These sermons can be found online and I highly recommend them to anyone who deals with anxiety or sadness on a daily basis. They were eye opening for me and God used them to release a lot of strongholds in my life.

For those who don't go listen to them, however, essentially what they teach is that God wants to hear from us in the depth of what we are feeling - whatever it is. When we share what we are feeling with Him, it engages Him in the circumstance and invites Him to act.

As one who has often been burdened by the strength of my emotions, I have found praying them and being honest with God about them has been absolutely freeing. I no longer have to ashamed of what I feel; I bring it before God and we deal with it together.

One of my favorite books in the Bible has always been Psalms. I think that the reason I have loved it so is because I have always identified with much of what David wrote. He has been a brotha from anotha motha. In his writings, David expresses fear, sadness, joy, anger, elation, peace. I have recently gone through the psalms again and as I read them this time, I would write down any emotion that I felt was being expressed.

I sensed fear in Psalm 3,
affliction in Psalm 5,
weariness in Psalm 6,
wonder in Psalm 8,
bafflement in Psalm 10,
feeling forgotten in Psalm 13,
feeling rescued in Psalm 18,
thankfulness in Psalm 21,
anxiety in Psalm 22,
loneliness in Psalm31,
brokenness in Psalm 38,
depression in Psalm 42,
rejection in Psalm 44.

And that's not even the half of it.

The main reason that I love the psalms so much is because yes, they are a full expression of emotion. But the best part is that nearly every psalm, no matter what is being expressed, ends in giving glory to God and confessing His power over the circumstance.

Dr. Keller does point out that Psalm 88 is the only psalm that does not end on a positive note. I had written down that I sensed despair and loneliness from this psalm; it is not exactly a mood lifter. Dr. Keller believes that God wanted this psalm included as an indicator that things do not always wrap up happily or positively. Sometimes we can't come to that happy place in our minds after spilling our emotions; sometimes we dwell in darkness.

But even in darkness, we are not alone.

 "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night', even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." - Psalm 139:11-12 (MSG)
"God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you'." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

I don't think my 64 box of emotions is going anywhere soon. But by confessing and expressing them to God, He enters in and is ultimately glorified.

Therein lies the purpose of life.

Laggadocious Faith

I have dealt with a fear of money and its provision for as long as I can remember.

When I was 12 years old, I took my brother's old job as a newspaper carrier as a way to "start saving for college". Once I outgrew that, I worked as a party coach (don't ask) at a kid's playland, a server/dishwasher at a retirement home, and a receptionist at a hair salon - all at various times throughout high school. And I did save most of that money. I never shopped much for clothes or fancy products. Most of my money went to junk food that couldn't be found in our house, going out to movies with friends, and penny pop. My first and only big purchase was a Wilson tennis racket that I still use to this day. Some of the money also went to the two missions trips I took in high school.

But I was a good saver. I've always been a good saver. Some people say stingy or frugal. I say saver.

Suffice it to say, I was woefully disappointed when the money I had saved was no where near what I would need for even a year at North Central University, my college of choice. The first day that I arrived at college I was all ready to move in and settle in and get to know people. But before I could do any of that, admissions informed me that I had to settle my financial accounts. I spent the next 3 1/2 hours trudging from billing to financial aid and back, waiting in lines and filling out paperwork.

It can only be described as one of the most frustrating days of my life.

Although I do believe that North Central was what God wanted me to do, I wish that someone had informed me of the repercussions of student loans. Even though I worked throughout college in a variety of jobs, the pricetag for college was more than I could manage without students loans. I wish that I had known that of the weight them would be on my life for, like, ever (going on 7 years of consistent payments and I feel like I still owe as much as I did when I graduated).

I'm not a psychologist, but if I were to analyze myself and the anxiety that arises within me when money is tight, I think that I would have to ascertain that the anxiety exists for decent reason.

I have lived at the edge of money's worst case scenario. I don't want to share all of the money problems of my childhood years on this blog, because I feel as though those details are not just my story. They belong to my entire family and some might not want those details shared. Sharing them might bring pain or embarrassment or annoyance at my tendency to over-share. I don't want that.

Without sharing specifics, those things weren't detrimental to my well-being and my family always pulled through to have enough. But I would still say that the financial roller-coaster of my younger years contributed to the money-related anxiety that I still deal with today.

I have gone to God with this problem many times over the years, wondering why He would allow our family that loved Him and served Him to go through such deep waters.

And in the place of my brain where wisdom exists, I know.

I know that He allowed it because some decisions that were made had repercussions, even if those repercussions were felt by innocent children.

I know that God provided the enough that we had. My mom has testified to this: how somehow, miraculously, our bills were met each month when she was a working single mother.

I know that it is easy to see in retrospect God's hand working things for good, despite all of the tough years and circumstances.

So why do I still worry?

The only thing that I can think of is that I want to avoid the suffering, the not-knowing, the checkbook-watching, the mental boxing match that comes with being financially strapped. I don't want to ride that roller-coaster ride. No thanks.

Because if I believe that God will hold me no matter what happens and that I am always safe with him - and I do - then what is it exactly that I am fearing?

I am fearing the worry of financial woes. I am fearing a stack of bills and not knowing how they will be paid. I am fearing being in a place of neediness. I want to know that I am taken care of; I want to be in control so that my financial situation does not require a miracle. Needing a miracle is a scary place to be  in.

But as I look out over the horizon of the next year, I know with certainty that we will need God's provision to make it through. I say this with about 60% excitement of how he is going to do it all, and 40% fear that He won't. Ug....talk about a lagging faith.

Here are some things I am studying to bolster this laggadocious faith (yay for made up words!):

** I need to be surrendered to God's will and not my own. Once I am okay with whatever God brings to pass - trusting Him no matter what - I find a place of rest. Romans 12:1 - "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." (MSG)  Amen. Place my life as an offering before God - God helping me. I'm going to need that help, Lord!

** Needing to see God move in one's life is not a bad place to be in. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - "As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally - not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing." (MSG). Amen. God still rescues. He can rescue. He will rescue. We need not depend on our own strength or wisdom, and sometimes we need to be forced into a place of trusting God. Even so, He rescues. 

** Suffering should not be feared, but welcomed. Christ promised it, but he also promised to be with us when we walk through it. Philippians 1:29 - "There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting." (MSG). Amen. Let me not fight off suffering with every valiant effort for control I make. Let me embrace it with a knowledge of His presence and help. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." (MSG). In lines with that, the suffering need not be feared because it serves many purposes, including bringing us into greater dependence on God and a knowledge of our neediness of Him.

** There is a freedom that comes when we rest, unencumbered by burdens, in God. God rewards the steps of faith that we take. And we can take steps of faith and still be scared. Hebrews 10:23-24 - "So let's do it - full of belief, confident that we're presentable in side and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out." (MSG). Amen. God has promised that He is my provider. So let me proceed forward by clinging to that promise. Let me not focus on my own needs but use my energy in a better way by loving others - perhaps those who are less fortunate than I am. 

So I am stepping out, clinging to the promises of God. I sometimes feel like the boy's father in Mark 9:24 who pleaded with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus responds to his request in verse 23: "If you can? ... everything is possible for one who believes."

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24 - NIV).

I do believe in your promises, God! Help my unbelief!

Shoulds and Shouldnt's

This weekend, I willingly offered up nearly 3 hours of my precious time getting sucked into a movie on Netflix: "Lost in Austen". The premise of this movie is basically that a modern day Londoner (Londonite?) who is obsessed with "Pride and Prejudice" ends up swapping places with Elizabeth Bennett. While she tries to take control of the story in order to make sure that things end up as they should (Jane with Bingley, Charlotte with Collins, Lydia NOT with Wickham), she of course ends up falling in love with Darcy. This much is understandable to me. However, the 3 hours became irredeemable as the movie ended; this new lady and Darcy proclaimed their love and ultimately ended up together. Errr, what?!

As a touted romantic, there are just certain unalienable truths.

Noah belongs with Allie. 

Zack belongs with Kelly. 

Ross belongs with Rachel. 

Gilbert belongs with Anne. 

Darcy belongs with Elizabeth. 

Period. No erasees. 

Any attempts to modernize these truths and thereby change them result in me rolling my eyes in frustration. Some things are just meant to be. These things should just be.

Right?

I'm a big fan of should. I'm a rule follower. I color inside the lines. I never had a single detention, or even a warning.

I remember when I was living down in Arkansas, I met my sister and her boys at the mall with the little boy I nannied at the time. As we were trying to make our way to the second floor, Kiki suggested we use the nearby escalator instead of treading over a ways to the elevator. As she positioned her stroller filled with boys onto the escalator, I was getting ready to follow with my own stroller when I noticed a sign that said, "No strollers on the escalator". I hesitated and questioned Kiki about it. What if we got in trouble??? She rolled her eyes at me and I'm pretty sure she made fun of me. And then she continued on her way. So I sheepishly followed.

I feel like in my faith, "should" has been something that I have continued to wrestle with God. The longer that I live, the more I realize that the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts"of life are an illusion - there to make us feel as though we have some sort of control in this crazy, unpredictable life.

Children shouldn't suffer from terminal illnesses.
Children should live longer than their parents.
There shouldn't be people starving in others countries.
We should always keep our patience while driving - even around Iowans.
I shouldn't get frustrated when my son tests his boundaries.
I should always be filled with belief and never feel anxious.

The examples go on and on. The only thing, really, that matters though is where we are led through all the shoulds and shouldn'ts. It is difficult to completely suspend our beliefs about certain matters. Shoulds and shouldn'ts will always exist somewhere in our minds.

But do we leave them there and grow bitter and anxious with everything that doesn't go the way we deem it needs to go?

Or do we surrender those very things, humbly admitting that we do not know all and that no matter what happens, we are cradled in God?

I think that sometimes our expectations, our shoulds and shouldn'ts, cause us to turn away from God and question what in the world He is doing. We reject what He is offering us in a given moment.

"Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement - expectations - is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy? And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives.....proudly refusing to accept this moment, dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God. I reject God." - Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts

I was listening to a sermon today that discussed the crucifixion of Jesus. What stood out to me the most was the following:

"When Jesus Christ Himself said, "Come to me", God turned away from Him. In other words, Jesus got the abandonment we deserved. Jesus was calling for God and God turned His face away, so that when we say to God, "Turn Your face away', God will come. Because He experienced what we should have received, and therefore He can be understanding....." - Dr. Timothy Keller

That's the biggest "shouldn't" there ever was. Jesus dying for us, taking our punishment. We should have to pay the price of our own sin against God. Jesus shouldn't have to die for crimes he never committed. But because that "shouldn't" happened, we can trust God with the entirety of our lives - even that which doesn't make sense. Even when we reject and turn away, God comes.

If we can surrender the shoulds and shouldn'ts of life and trust in the strength of God's arms to hold us, the power of God's love to save us, and the sovereignty of God's knowledge to guide us, there is nothing to fear.

Ungraceful Teetering

I can't say this with 100% certainty, but I think that everyone has an issue or two (or three, four, five) that they seem to deal with over and over again. Try as we might, there are some inner battles that we continue to wage year after year.

Anger. Depression. Insecurity. Pride. Lust. Jealousy. I could go on.....

One of these struggles for me is anxiety, which I have talked about through this forum many times. Writing about it helps me to keep my wits about me and helps me to focus on what really matters: God, His plan, and His many blessings to me.

I was reading this article earlier today about anxiety and I found myself identifying with the author more than I would have liked. I, too, have dealt with anxiety on and off throughout my life.

I remember when I was 9 years old and we had just moved into a new house after my parent's divorce. For the first time, my bedroom was upstairs, away from the action on the main floor. Kiki's room was right across the hall, but as she is 7 years older than me, we didn't exactly go to bed at the same time. Once I was "put to bed", I remember that I would lie awake and wonder what I would do if our house caught on fire and I was stuck all by myself upstairs, forgotten, with no one to hear me. I pictured myself tying all of my sheets together to fashion a rope to reach the ground. I envisioned trying to jump from my window and receiving broken bones in the process. There were even times when my dramatic mind would get carried away and I wondered if someone in my family might even start the fire and leave me alone. Heavy stuff for a 9 year old.

Another example that remains clear in my memory is from when I was in high school. We had moved again, across town. My mom had since remarried and she and my stepdad, like most couples, had frequent date nights. If they would not be home at the time they said they would, I would sit at the front window and stare down the street hoping to catch a glimpse of their car. This was before the age of cell phones, so I couldn't reach them that way, however I did call a restaurant once or twice wondering if they were still there or if they had left and how long ago? I would picture these terrible car accidents and police cars pulling into our driveway to deliver the bad news. I would work myself into a tizzy, crying genuine tears and tied up in knots not to be undone until I heard the roar of the garage door.

A vivid imagination does not serve an anxious spirit well.

To this day, my mind can get carried away with the "what ifs" of life. There are certain circumstances that I face from time to time that seem to trigger a greater level of anxiety in my heart and mind.

God keeps bringing me back to this verse:

"Don't be afraid. I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God. The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you...That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade creation just for you. So don't be afraid: I'm with you."

Isaiah 43:1-5 (MSG)

The reoccurrence of this issue reminds me of the waves in the ocean: a wave comes, then passes. Then another comes...and passes. And so on. There are times that I feel like I may get sucked under the water when I call on the promise of the verse above: "When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down." These words give me the power and strength that I need in order to learn how to face and ride these waves. And the next time a wave comes, I will be even better at riding it. Pro surfer, baby. Riding the waves will become more natural the more that I do it. 

In dealing with the waves, I have teetered ungracefully from frustration to sadness to surrender. Though I am tempted to recoil in fear from what ails me, I know that it needs to be faced head on. What I fear needs to be dealt with, otherwise it keeps the power and I am a scared little girl in the corner of the room. But "God is strong, and he wants you strong." Ephesians 6:10 (MSG)

So today, I do not shrink back. "But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way." Hebrews 10:39 (MSG)

Because I am more than a conqueror in Christ: "But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" Romans 8:37 (MSG)

No more recoiling. I am a fighter and I do not go into battle alone. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you'." Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

Engage

I read this blog this morning that encouraged contentment through appreciating what you have right now. Today. This moment. It verified so much of what I have been feeling lately.

I started class again yesterday. It is my final semester of "normal" class, as next fall and spring get pretty crazy for me. That is when I have to start seeing clients, spend much more time away from home and my sweet boy, and ultimately do a 40 hour/week internship. Even thinking about all of it right now gets my stomach twisting in twenty different directions. It all just feels very...........overwhelming.

How will I get all of my hours in? What will my clients be like? Who will watch Finn? What will it be like to be away from him for so long during the day? What if I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day and can't give my best to him? You mean I actually have to counsel people?

These thoughts.......over and over and over again; trying to make sense of a time months and months away.

I slowly began to notice that as I was channeling Marty McFly and trying to live in the future by attempting to figure it all out, I was robbing today of whatever was right in front of me.

Days can be hectic, blissful, chaotic, lovely, demanding, delightful or a mixture of many things. But whatever my days were, I was missing it.

I have a terrible habit of trying to figure out the future before it happens. I want to be comfortable with it, to know that it is within my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34, NIV)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34, MSG)

The older I get, the more I am realizing that the time spent trying to figure out the future is literally time that is wasted. Clearly there is no predicting the future. I could get comfortable with what lies before me one moment when the next moment something comes along and totally derails that scenario.

But how to stop the mind from reeling and churning and grinding out those scenarios?

One word that keeps coming back to my mind is "engaged".

If I am truly engaged with this moment, I won't have available brain space to give to the future.

If I am reading a book to Finn, I won't be able to picture the clients I may be counseling in 6 months.
If I am participating in his quest to destroy the bathroom during bath time, I won't be able to ruminate on who might baby-sit him during my internship.
If I am actively listening to my husband select songs for worship on Sunday, I won't be lost in ponderation about my student loan bill.

Looking back on my life and how faithful God has been to make sure that every little piece of the puzzle fits into the right spot.........how can I still look into the future with anxiety about how things will work and fit together? I need only to look behind me and see His faithfulness to be able to look ahead of me and believe He will remain faithful.

There is a beautiful scene in "The Shack" (controversial book, I know!), where Mack and Jesus are having a conversation about fear. Over the years since I have read the book, this scene has remained with me:

"Tell me what you are afraid of, Mack."
"Well, let me see. What am I afraid of? Well, I am afraid of looking like an idiot. I am afraid that you are making fun of me and that I will sink like a rock. I imagine that - "


"Exactly. You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"
"Well, I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?"


"Relax, Mack; this is not a test, it's a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
"I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."


"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always indicated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
"Why do I do that?"


"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."
"So why do I have so much fear in my life?"


"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."
"I have so far to go."


Me too, Mack, me too.

If God presides in this present moment, then that is where I want to be.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany tonight as I walked into my tiny kitchen to stir my dinner of bean and bacon soup. I stepped over my husband's legs and my son's toys as Pinners whimpered after me.

And I thought, simply, 'Life is good'. I picked up the spoon, stirred, and smiled into the wall as I had a sense of overflowing joy for the blessings in my life. Such an average night; such a random moment; such a wondrous realization.

This realization hit me at a place where I have been worried about the future and its unknown murkiness.

Suddenly, like an actual lightbulb sparking above my head, it hit me that God is the One gracious enough to bring me to this place of contentment, joy, life.

Will He not continue to care for us and lavish us with love and good things?

It may not be the way that I suspect or would choose for it to go, but it will be good.

If only because He goes with me.

More

This post is very personal for me and not always easy to talk about. I think that is because I still feel some shame when I look back at this time in my life.

With that said...

A couple of years ago, I was going through a very hard time. Without delving into too many specifics, it had to do with sleep - or lack thereof. Here is a little about that journey: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=96024931778.

This trial, which started so small, quickly spiraled out of control for me. To many people, losing some sleep is not a huge deal. To me, it caused my life to get completely knocked off balance.  Essentially, I walked around all day, every day with a knot in my stomach, a burden on my shoulders, and a literal anxious pain in my heart. Though there were times of brief reprieve, it was fairly continuous for months and months. I look back at pictures from that time and I can still see a vacant expression on my face because most likely when the picture was taken, I was thinking about whether or not I would sleep well that night.

It was one of the toughest times that I have personally gone through and I think that one of the things that made it so difficult was that I felt all alone in it. Matt was a wonderful support during this time, often just holding me when the anxiety became too much for me, but the anxiety remained all mine to deal with.

There were brief conversations of putting me on meds to help me deal with my anxiety or sleeping pills to make sure that I slept.

None of these things seemed like the answer to me. I don't denounce the help that these things can bring, but to me it just seemed like I would be digging myself a bigger and bigger hole. I chose not to pursue those avenues and clung to God, His love, and His promise to take care of my needs. Even when it seemed as though my prayers were being met with silence, I had to keep trusting that God loved me and had good plans for me.

But the journey out of that space was long and tough. There were many times that I didn't think it would ever end. There were moments when I felt like it took everything in me to clutch tightly to God and my belief in His goodness. And at those moments, there was one song in particular that would come to my mind. It was an old song that I remember singing in church when I was younger and it is amazingly simple:

"I need You more, more than yesterday.
I need You more, more than words can say.
I need You more than ever before.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord.


More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing,
More than the next heartbeat, more than anything.
And Lord, as time goes by I will be by Your side.
Because I never want to go back to my old life."

I would be driving in my car and trying to find the words to pray but they wouldn't come. My mind was circling the toilet of anxious thoughts, but this song would still break through. In the very deepest part of my being, beneath the layers of anxiety that just seemed to be getter thicker with each day, I knew that all I really needed was more of Jesus. Meds and sleeping pills were not the answer for me. For me, I needed more and more and more and more of Him who holds my very life in His hands.

Indeed, there are times when no words are sufficient and no human support is steady or sturdy enough. But if we can find an iota of strength to call out for more, more, more of Jesus, then the dark times cannot last forever.

Pretty, flowery prayers are all well and good. But sometimes, all God needs to hear is that we want more of Him.

Sometimes, one word is enough. More.

We are going to be singing this song again in church soon, and my prayer is that its simplicity would be a reminder of all that really matters in the chaos and confusion of this broken world.

From the other side of a life-changing trial, I say with all certainty that there is power and hope in the name of Jesus. Getting more and more and more of Him is all that saved me from a life of constant anxiety. Getting more and more and more of Him is the hope that I have for the future.

And the honest truth is I still don't sleep perfectly every night. But because I know God deeper than I did before, it is 9 gazillion times easier for me to relax and rest in His care of me.

In any trial or confusion, the answer is always more of Jesus.

At All Times

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn, my mind jumps around, I envy those all over the world who are sleeping peacefully. There is usually no consistent reason for this trouble: sometimes I have things on my mind, sometimes I stress myself out, sometimes I just lay restfully and wait for the sleep to come.

Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....

And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"

But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4

YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!

After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.

This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.

So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."

That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.

Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.

May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.