Thrown Down a Hill

"Michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. Sometimes life is like that. It tosses us down a hill. But when we reach the bottom and only the important pieces are left, that's when our vision clears. That's when we hold on tight to what we know while hope stirs inside us. It's all a matter of perspective" - Everwood

I know what it's like when things break, when they fall apart, when they don't go the way that they should.

Despite being a part of what I consider the best family in the world, I learned that life is not always sunshine and rainbows and sugar-covered gumdrops. My childhood knew divorce, and death, and poverty.

Through all of these things, I learned at a young age that life does not always go the way that it should. Despite God being a very great God, existing in this world means taking a daily risk that it will fling a terrible circumstance in our direction.

As I was watching footage of the tornado that demolished Joplin, MO a few days ago (I was going to write that it 'touched down in Joplin', but that just did not seem accurate), I was overcome with grief and a phantom feeling of loss for the people that live there. And all I could think was, "How do people live through something like that without God?" Who do they call out to? Who do they cling to?

Maybe it is the Christian upbringing that I had, but through all of the unfortunate circumstances in my life, God has been my steadfast peace, my singular hope, and my strength that got me through.

When life sends adverse circumstances, I recall that "All things work for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28 NIV)

When life gets dark, I declare, "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not fear for You are with me" (Psalm 23:4 NIV)

When I feel like I can't go on anymore, I proclaim, "They that wait upon the Lord receive fresh strength" (Isaiah 40:31 MSG)

When I begin to worry about the future, I recall, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27 NIV)

When I get discouraged as I did this past week, consumed with thinking about all of the things in this world that can bring harm and pain, I remind myself,  "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things" (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

I guess that what I am getting at is that there are so many things to fear and suffer from - if I focus on those things the fear only grows, it feeds on itself.

Therefore, the only resolution that I can come to in dealing with this broken world is to focus on Him who brings healing and wholeness. No matter what pain and suffering befalls me, I can trust in the fact that He is good and does good and will continue to do good.

I found this in an article on relevantmagazine.com, speaking about the death of Lazarus and why Jesus didn't respond earlier than he did when he was completely capable of doing so: "Don't let His silence or delay confuse you about His goodness. There is no suffering in which Jesus will not walk and weep with you. There is no hurt the power of God can't bring new life to. In the proper time Jesus will make His way to your tomb, roll the stone away, and bring life to the dead. And the tears formed from mourning and doubt will flow with joy and gratitude"

I often compare God's love for me with my love for my son - its the closest that I can come to understanding the utter vastness of how He loves me. Just today, Finn rolled over from his tummy to his back as he has done a bajillion times now. I can put him down on the ground with his toys and he will literally roll across the entire floor. Today I was sitting right beside him as he did this and watched as he rolled too fast and bonked his head a little too hard on the ground.

He began crying. I immediately picked him up in my arms and gave him comfort and soothed his pain. But I did not stop the pain from happening to him. As a mother, it is impossible to stop him from ever getting hurt or crying - no matter how much I wish I could or how much it saddens my heart to see him cry. I cannot stop the pain from happening to him but I can embrace him and comfort him and be with him in his pain.

Isn't it like that with us and God?

"I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all - oh, how well I remember - the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope. God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits; to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions. Wait for hope to appear. Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face. The "worst" is never the worst. Why? Because the Master won't ever walk out and fail to return. If he works severely, he also works tenderly. His stockpiles of loyal love are immense." (Lamentations 3:19-32 MSG)

Soon

In honor of these so-called "End of the World" rumors......this song has been on my heart the last couple days. Matt and I were talking about heaven today and both teared up thinking about those we will see again some day soon. Even more so to 'be with the One I love'. It gives me goosebumps in eager expectation! What a joy we have to look forward to!

Romance

The thought of romance has been on my mind lately.

I think it is fairly safe to say that I have been...........interested in romance and love since I was a little girl. I remember getting "married" as a kindergartner to a few boys as a fun little game and wandering around the playground holding hands and stealing jackets as a means of flirting.


Although I only had 3 Ken dolls (one was an amputee, heaven help him) and about 15 Barbie dolls, my favorite dolls were always the ones who got the boyfriend. There was no Ken-boyfriend sharing at my house!

My favorite characters on tv shows were almost always the ones with a boyfriend (Kelly Kapowski, Topanga Lawrence, DJ Tanner, Kelly Taylor, Stacey McGill - give a big whoop if you know all of these!!)


On week nights, I used to lay in my bedroom listening to Delilah (a radio show all about love....is it still on???), recording love songs onto a menagerie of mix tapes.

In my young adult life, I filled my quote book with love poems, quotes, and lyrics that heralded romance.

Many of my favorite movies and songs are still about love.

I have always been fascinated with love. Big sigh.

Perhaps then, because of my romantic naiveness, God found it good to have me wait years before blessing me with my husband and a pretty fantastic love story.

For a person so entranced by the idea of love, its a bit ironic that I had never actually been in it until I met Matt. Matt knew how to woo. He gave good woo.

He wrote me lengthy letters pouring his heart out about why he loved me. He surprised me with flowers and gifts. He planned romantic and creative dates. He wrote songs about me. He took me ice-skating for goodness sakes. Twice.

Now that we have been married 2 1/2 years, the romance has changed a bit. Let's just say that it has been awhile since I have gotten a lengthy letter detailing his love for me!!

Instead, I get a front row seat to see him living it out for me every day.

We did a couples devotional about a week ago that asked us to specify how the other shows his/her love for us. And when it was my turn to share, I didn't say a single thing about flowers or love letters or ice-skating. Instead, I said.....

He changes dirty diapers.
He holds me when I am anxious and overwhelmed.
He still sends me daily text messages to let me know he is thinking of me.
He rubbed my feet when I was 9 months pregnant and swollen to the size of a human blueberry (ala Violet Beauregarde).......AND still called me beautiful.
He lets me speak my mind without judgment.
He spends his spring break to travel 12 hours to see my family for a week.
He shares his dreams with me.
He encourages and believes in me when I don't believe in myself.
He makes me laugh.
He prays for me. He prays with me.

Now that we have our sweet, amazing baby boy, our love story has evolved again. But from what I can tell.........it is only getting better.

So all of that to say that my idea of love and romance has definitely changed over time.

What was once idyllic and obscure.......is now tangible and real.

Sooooooooooooooooooo..................worth the wait :).

Lastly, here are a couple songs that I have been listening to on repeat this last week that reflect my current idea of romance more than any boy band song ever could (still love those boy bands though!)

Rosie Thomas "Guess It May" - shout out to the "Lost" montage!!!

Sam and Ruby "The Here and the Now"

The Answer

Finners and I were listening to my Ipod on shuffle mode today and this song was the first to pop up. I hadn't heard it in a really long time and had forgotten how beautiful it is. The first verse especially reminds me of my Heavenly Father, but I also felt it apply to my relationship with Finn and the privilege of being his mother.

It also brought to mind something I felt God tell me when Finn was about a month old. I was worried about the lack of sleep I was getting and felt like it could hinder my ability to care for Finn. And I just felt God impress to me, "You just take care of Finn. I'll take care of you." So every day I do the best that I can taking care of my son, and entrust myself to Abba - my Father God.

Delight

The other day I was driving to my mom's to pick up Finn. I had only been gone 3 1/2 hours at work, but I could not wait to get to her house and hold my sweet boy again. My thoughts turned to how much I delighted in him. I love it when he smiles, when he cries, when he's awake, when he's sleeping.....I delight and find joy in nearly every little thing he does. This may sound pathetic but there are even mornings when he wakes up at 4 in the morning that I rejoice just because I get to spend another day with him.

So I'm driving, thinking of my sweet boy and how easy he is to delight in.....and I wonder - will I delight in him any less when he is older and isn't this perfect, adorable baby? Will I still delight in him when he is older and his human nature kicks in and he has thoughtless, rude, or inconsiderate moments?  

I hung out with my mom today to celebrate Mother's Day and found myself asking her....."Does your motherly love change when your kids grow up and act in ways that hurt or devastate you?" Having 5 amazingly different children, she is an expert on the subject. 

I told her that being a mom has helped me to better understand the heart of God and how unconditional and overwhelming His love is for us, His children. I told her that from what I understood, babies are easy to love.........but are kids? Are adult children? In essence I was asking, "Does God's love for us change the more we fail Him?"

And she stated simply that she didn't always like us....but she always loved us. She brought up a few examples:

She delighted in Missy when she got the opportunity to see her teach a class in the Air Force and just how good she was at it. 

She delighted in Matthew when he walked her down the aisle to marry Bryan and the strength he had. 

She delighted in Josh when he asked her to take a walk with him while he smoked a cigarette because it was a moment of acceptance for both of them.

***** Edit from my mom***** She read the original blog and sent the following via text message:
"read your blog...very gd....feel bad there r no "delights" 4 u and kiki....i delight so much in u guys....when u perform and it goes beyond perf to amazing ministry....when i see u lovin on sweet finn and being such an incredible mom. Kiki: for being the mom-2-boys-extraordinaire and her selfless past sacrifices for me. thats all for now....need more"

She said that she finds many moments of delight......and that she delights when we simply call her to talk with her. 

And I just realized that it is the same with God. He delights in us when we call on Him. All it takes is for us to come to Him and say His name for Him to be pleased with us - no bells or whistles required. When we pray, He isn't sitting there with His arms crossed waiting for us to prove ourselves worthy before He cracks a smile in our direction. He is eager to love us and does not need encouragement or a reason to do so......He just does. 

Thankful today for my mom and for my Father God - they are a tag team of magnificent measure :)

Dry Bones

Matt, Finn, and I traveled to Arkansas last week to see my sisters and their families. It was a wonderful trip - complete with dodging tornadoes and Easter egg hunts and pregnancy gender tests :).

Easter egg discovery!

Sisters!

Tornado safety spot

Every time I go back to visit Conway, I am hit with dozens of memories of my 2 years down there. Specifically, my time working with Chi Alpha - my brother-in-law's college ministry. It is crazy to see how much it has grown and developed and matured since I have been a part of it. I was proud to be a part of it 4 years ago when I moved away and I am proud of it still, for it is truly an amazing ministry in its creativity and the passion that it births in college students for God and the message of Jesus.

Redeemed - small group I co-led. I miss them :(.

My Jilly-Anne and Whitwey

The "core four"

Those who know Matt Carpenter most likely have heard his classic "dry bones" analogy for college campus missions. I wrote the following 5 years ago, I think, in the midst of my Chi Alpha ministry, and was reminded of it on this past trip. So now, to share:

"They see dry bones but we see an army!


In Ezekiel 37, we read about a valley of dry bones; bodies that have been left alone to rot - clearly forgotten about and barely noticed anymore. But God sees them. He knows the potential of these seemingly hopeless carcasses. So He speaks to the prophet Ezekiel, tells him to prophesy to the bones to live; that through this, God will cause them to come together, not just with what they are - dry bones - but God will cover them with flesh and tendons - make them everything that they could not be on their own.


And He doesn't stop there! After the bones have arisen to become human figures again, He then commands Ezekiel to prophesy breath into the bodies - give them the life flow that they need to live. And this is the cool part: the bodies stand up on their feet and take the breath that should have been lost to them forever - a gift from God! And now, Ezekiel states, this valley of dry bones has risen to become a VAST ARMY.


Is this a strange prophesy? Yes. I admit when I really think it through and imagine the tendons and flesh regrowing that its like something out of a circa 1970's horror flick.


But when I really press deeper and delve into the prophesy and what it represents, I am blown away by the analogy to my own generation.


Older people, past generations, tend to look at 18-30 year olds as a valley of dry bones - hopeless, not much to offer, bound in alcohol and drugs and caught up in self. They see our negative aspects - a generation lost, with little to give those who will follow behind us. Better to focus on the younger generation and raise them better - fix past mistakes.


But when God looks at college campuses and the hearts of those who know Him, He does not see dry bones - He sees a people passionate for His purposes, longing to love others with their entire being, hoping to make a difference in a world that so desperately needs someone to step up and say "Enough! What can I do to help?"


Oh, what we could accomplish if we would realize what we truly have to offer! We cannot change the world all by ourselves. We need each other and we need a driving passion and MOST OF ALL we need the power and beauty and grace of God.


We need to stop believing the lies that our lives will never amount to much. Because that's all they are - lies. Some of us have never had someone believe in us, never had someone tell us, "I know you can do it. "


But God's purposes surpass all of that. He has amazing plans for those willing to step out of the shadow of the unattainable and say, "Here I am. What can I do?" It starts small. It begins by realizing that this life is not about us anyway. We are not the stars of our own life story or reality television show. Our lives truly have value when we reach out and help others who have so much less than we do. Our purpose is claimed by listening to a hurting soul, crying with those who cry, rejoicing with those who rejoice, and lifting a finger to help all of the hurt in the world.


The world out there may see us young adults as a valley of dry bones......but God - He sees an army. Only one question remains - what are we going to do about it?"

I am thankful for ministries like Chi Alpha that invest in the lives of young adults and value the impact that they can have in the world. Sometimes, all it takes is some hope and for someone to see us not for what we are now, but for what we can become!