When Life Barks at You

Ezra fell down the stairs yesterday.

I heard him crying as I was changing out of my church clothes and in a moment of panic, wondered if I had forgotten to shut the door to the basement after laying Jonas down for a nap.

Coming around the corner into the kitchen and realizing that the door was indeed open was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I ran. I ran so fast that I don't remember how I reached him. I only remember the way I felt. I picked him up and held him close and checked him all over.

I was shaking and crying and terrified.

He was fine. Truly, I'm not sure how, but he was and is completely fine.

I, on the other hand, remained a mess. I ripped myself apart with thoughts of my incompetency as a mother. I felt like the worst mom in the world, negligent and forgetful and guilty.

The only counselor I ever saw pinpointed me from the very beginning: "You are way too hard on yourself, Gretchen." This was one of those moments. I curled into myself and fixated on my failure.

I felt sick all afternoon. The "what-if's" and "what-could-have-been's" terrorized me. I allowed them to. Logically, I knew that Ezra was okay. I knew that he was safe and healthy and perfectly perfect. Yet I was allowing my thoughts to reek complete havoc on my peace.

Then there came a moment of decision for me. I was watching a video of our worship experience yesterday morning at church. The worship that day was powerful, anointed, and broke some chains off of me. As I re-experienced that moment via video, one of the lyrics jumped out at me: "You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a child of God".

Rescue. I knew that God had rescued my boy, again. I knew that with my whole being. I just didn't know why. Then, in that moment, it hit me. God is rescuing Ezra for Himself and some greater purpose that I cannot yet fathom. Something in me just knows it. I don't need to fear losing a boy that God seems intent to rescue.

Even in my failure, I cannot break what God intends to keep whole.

I knew then that I had a choice to make. I could keep ruminating on what could have happened, or what could happen the next time I forget to do something important. I could tie myself up in knots with question after question, the worst case scenarios building a grim future for my life.

Or I could choose to see God's mercy in the situation. I could see His saving hand and pour out my gratitude to Him. I could laugh in wonder at the amazing protection that God has ordered for my precocious Ezra. That was a moment of distinction for me:

Choosing to see God's protection in my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection, and not my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection.

And then thanking Him with all I have.

A couple of nights ago, we were visiting my aunt and uncle who live on a beautiful piece of land in Canton. They have an adorable golden retriever named Jack, who is still quite puppy-like in his behavior. Jack is sweet and energetic and BIG. My boys love dogs, but they are not used to dogs that big. So when Jack bounced around with them, barking, they got scared. They ran. Jack, who thought they were playing, ran after them. This caused terrified screams and cries from their cute little faces.

There was one time in particular that Finn was running from Jack, screaming. Matt called out to him, "Finn! Finn! Just run to me!" Matt knew that if Finn would run to him, then he would be able to protect him. He would handle the dog and keep Finn safe. When Finn kept running farther and faster away, it was difficult for Matt to do anything. He needed Finn close to protect him.

However, Finn couldn't hear his daddy calling. The dog was too close and the barking was too loud. Those teeth were too big and the situation was too scary. So he cried and screamed, powerless to do much else.

This was such a vivid example to me of how God responds to us in the barking chaos of our lives. When circumstances are overwhelming, He calls out to us to come close, to draw near. He wants to enclose us in the shadow of His wing so that He can better protect us. Yet sometimes the noise and the size of our circumstances just drowns out the voice of our Father and Protector. In our fear, we end up running further away from Him Who alone can help us.

Ezra falling down the stairs was life barking at me. Barking at me about my greatest fears and my most intimate failures.

When I drew close through prayer, it was then that God could speak the words that would restore my peace and dismantle my anxiety. I could have spent many days tied up in knots and broken over what almost happened. I know myself enough to know that I could have spiraled into a hole of fear and guilt.

God is speaking. He is always speaking. I choose to stay close to Him so I can hear Him above everything else and so that He can handle the noisy dogs of life for me. Dogs chase and bark, but God draws and whispers. Dogs will demand our attention but God will invite it.

It takes desire and true intention to focus on God over the chaos of our circumstances. But when we do, we will find a Father willing and capable to protect.

Peace as Shoes - Armor of God

The moment that I walked in the door after teaching on righteousness, my husband told me some information that immediately began attacking my peace. It was a financial issue, which is a common anxiety-inducer in my life.

I felt the familiar pangs of panic begin to tighten in my chest.

He was stressed out, I could see it. The good news is that when he gets stressed out, I know that there is no room for me to do the same.

I took a deep breath and assessed the situation for what it was: an excellent opportunity for me to walk in the shoes of peace for the next week before I taught on them.

Bring it on.

Most women get really excited to learn about peace. Whether one struggles with anxiety, worry,
discontentment, relational problems, or something else entirely, most every one can admit that she desires more peace in her life.

Right here, at the beginning, I need to say that peace is not a magic potion. It does not descend upon one's life like a fluffy, comforting cloud.

When I went through this study the first time, my teacher and friend, Heather, pointed out that peace is the one fruit of the spirit that cannot be conjured up. A person cannot will herself to peace. That stuck with me because I have tried, so incredibly hard, to make myself have peace. Nothing works.

Except...

In John 14:27, we see that Jesus bequeaths his peace to us; peace is already ours, but it does have to be fought for. There are a hundred things that can happen each day that could try to dislodge peace in our lives. Our circumstances constantly try to shake us. But we need to have the steady well of peace within us if we want to be able to bring peace to the circumstances around us.

"True peace is best detected and measured against the backdrop of commotion and confusion - when instability abounds, yet you remain steadfast; when disappointment and confusion are near, yet you're still capable of walking with Spirit-infused confidence, stability, and steadiness" - Priscilla Shirer

Shirer presents the specific type of shoes that Paul was talking about when he assigned peace to shoes. They were designed for battle and helped the soldiers to be effective on different types of terrain. These shoes had nail-like spikes that protruded from the bottom and allowed for firm grip while in battle.

They were meant to provide protection in the midst of the fight. These were not your mama's bunny slippers.

Paul wanted us to see that peace is meant to protect us from the crazy swirling around us.

While I had been nervous to teach on righteousness, I felt fairly confident teaching on peace. I educate myself on the subject of peace on a regular basis, because I need it. I've talked about my struggles with anxiety on this forum frequently. There's not a lot I need to rehash. The bulleted version is this:
*I've been prone to anxiety all my life
*I fell in a deep hole of it a few years ago
*God gave me wisdom to dig out
*I need to continue to be vigilant with peace to not get sucked back under the waves when they roar

The very cool thing is that the tools that I learned years ago to help dig out of my anxiety hole are extremely similar to what Priscilla Shirer teaches when instructing on the shoes of peace. This is not coincidence, it is solid truth and it's effective and powerful.

There are tested strategies that we can use to lock peace into place in our lives.

1. Peace is a matter of focus.
Circumstances that destroy our peace are empowered when we focus on ourselves. Self-focus is rich soil for things like anxiety and discontentment to grow quickly. The bad news is that we are naturally self-focused, but the great news is that we can do something about it.

With intention, we turn our eyes to God through worship. Worship restores our perspective because it reminds us of how powerful and beautiful God is. With intention, we turn our eyes to others through service. We ask what we can do to make someone else's day easier and how we can lighten someone else's load. We become reminded of how this world is not about us, and our comfort and happiness are minuscule matters in the scheme of things.

2. Peace is a matter of gratitude
When we choose to be thankful for all that God has already done and all that He is constantly doing for us, it is a consistent reminder that He is good and faithful. It starts with big things and then you will begin to feel a small amount of peace trickle in: God, thank you for the ones I love. Thank you for a job that provides. Thank you for a home as shelter.

The more you practice thankfulness, you start noticing smaller, more detailed things, but you feel it all in a bigger way: God, thank you that the sunrise this morning was perfectly timed so I could see it out my window as I got ready. The colors were really beautiful. God, thank you for that smile that my child gave me today. I could tell in that moment that he was feeling nothing but pure joy. God, thank you that my friend sent me that text that showed she was thinking of me. I needed that so badly.

Practicing gratitude opens our eyes to how constantly God is loving and caring for us. Peace floods in at this realization.

Shirer gives this equation: Trust fuels thanksgiving. Thanksgiving activates peace. I love this because it helps me remember that peace is already inside me, I just need to press the start button by giving thanks.

3. Peace is a matter of motion
We cannot hide from anxiety. We cannot run away from discontentment. These are temporary, ineffective ways of dealing with major heart issues. We must keep our feet moving in a forward direction to experience a lasting solution. We have to take that next step, fighting off the emotions that wish to strangle us in place.

When King David was fleeing from his son, Absalom, who was trying to usurp his throne, he wrote Psalms 3:3-5: "O Lord, look how my enemies have increased! Many are attacking me. Many are saying about me, 'Even with God (on his side), he won't be victorious'. But you, O Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high. I call aloud to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep. I wake up again because the Lord continues to support me."
David's safety and identity are both being threatened as he writes; you can feel his emotions trying to overtake him. In one of the best sermons I've ever heard on anxiety, Timothy Keller points out that the shield described in this verse was a specific type of shield that covered the front and top portion of a soldier. It was extremely effective in protecting those who moved forward in battle. However, if that soldier turned and ran, he was completely vulnerable to attack because his back was exposed. This is such a stellar illustration of how God's protection works best for us when we continue in motion. When we retreat and give up territory, our problems with anxiety and discontentment do not go away. They actually gain the territory in our lives that we have relinquished. We have not won when we run; we have only delayed our defeat for awhile.

When I mentioned above about our financial issue, it sounds like I handled it so maturely. Please understand, it sounds so simplified in a blog like this. That night, my mind still tried to jump to those worst case scenarios. My stomach still tightened with anxiety. My heart still started racing.

I still struggled.

But I immediately chose to see the attack on my peace as a gift in disguise. It took a few days for my mind, stomach, and heart to catch up with that decision. But they did catch up. Days later, I was walking in full confidence, knowing that the financial situation would be solved, one way or another. I didn't think this because I had any reasonable evidence for it. Rather, I believed it because I had chosen to fix my eyes on God instead of my situation. I worshiped Him and thanked Him for the response to my prayers before I saw it. I was not paralyzed in fear, but moved forward in the situation through prayer and fasting. The peace that was in the deep well within me expanded and overflowed into the circumstances around me. And?

And the situation resolved. Completely, and then some.

Having the power to choose where we fix our eyes is a powerful gift that God gives us. He could control our minds into peace if He so desired.

However, authentic relationship with us matters too much to Him. He wants us to trust Him because He's sovereign and loves us. He wants us to thank Him because He is good and takes care of us. He wants us to have His peace, that's why He gave it to us.

We just need to activate it.

Be Still and Start Moving

It has been a tough summer for me. God has been chiseling away at any place in my life where I have sought a safe place, other than Him. Relationships. Health. Ministry. Food. Finances. Relationships (again and again and again).

At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.

And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning,  and waiting.

I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.

Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.

It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.

"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"

There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.

1. Following my own instincts

We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."

I let him lead, because he insisted upon it. But I knew the way to our destination; if he got too far off track, I could always take control and redirect. So we meandered a bit, but still reached home. If I had led the way home, we would have gotten there quicker. But 5 year old boys really like to lead the way.

Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.

We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.

Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.

But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.

2. Follow the Leader

I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.

Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.

One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.

One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.

Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).

Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?

Both. 

The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.

The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom.  "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).

As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.

But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.

The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.

But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.

"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16

Martha, Martha

Growing up, whenever I was about to get in trouble, my mom would always begin with, "Say, I've got a question..."  Upon hearing those words, I would brace myself that she had discovered some dastardly deed of mine and a grounding was imminent.

"Say I've got a question...do you know what happened to the basement window?"
"Say I've got a question...where did all the Nutter Butters go?"
"Say I've got a question...why are there still dirty dishes in the sink?"

I would brace myself for the words that would follow. To this day, she'll say those words and I will tense up for whatever she's about to speak.

Being a person prone to anxious feelings, I have spent a good portion of my life bracing myself for bad news and expecting worst case scenarios to play out. I want to be ready for anything, but in preparing myself for the worst, there is much that I miss out on.

When I live constantly bracing myself for potential problems, I am in a near constant state of tension which also means a lack of rest, a lack of peace, a lack of stillness.  I am missing out on the full benefits that are promised to me as a child of God. I am missing out on the joy and freedom and peace that are mine, because I am His.

Whenever anxiety is swirling around in my mind and my thoughts are jumping all over the place to things that are not going well or situations where trouble may arise, this Bible story pops into my head:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'" (Luke 10:38-42, NIV).

Sometimes all I need to hear internally in my flurry of activity is "Martha, Martha," and instantly I picture the difference between Martha and Mary. Martha, trying to do good, important work but with a wrong focus. Mary, a picture of stillness and peace at the feet of Jesus. The contrast is stark. Both are women that Jesus loves very much, but only one has her eyes set on him above all else. Only one is experiencing the rest of His presence.

"The Lord's people must trust Him to sustain and provide for their needs...resting is trusting in action." - Lauren Chandler

I read this quote a couple of weeks ago and it was a direct hit to my heart. If I trust God, and I do, then whatever He brings into my life and allows for me is what is best.

Period.

Unknowns will remain...always. There will always be chaos, or potential chaos, at every corner of life. There will rarely NOT be a reason to be worried. 

The only way to live in a state of rest is to continue to throw my trust on Him, however many times a day it takes. 

In my experience, the areas of my life where I am feeling anxious are the areas of my life that I am not fully surrendering to God. They are areas that, for whatever reason, are hard to give up.

"What you fear the most reveals where you trust God the least" - Craig Groeschel

At various times, those areas have included finances, my love life, my children's health, my relationships with friends or family members; the list goes on and on.

I can live in stillness and rest only where I am ready to embrace...whatever.

So here is what I am working on:

Instead of bracing myself for the worst, I am embracing whatever God brings.

The rest that flows from that place of surrender is complete and immediate. It's trusting God not only in my heart and mind, but with my actions. It's prying my fingers off any areas of concern, and resting in the TRUTH that He is in control and He loves me.

He is in control. And He loves me.

Both beliefs are essential in order for my mind to be at rest.

"God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows." - Timothy Keller

Stop bracing for the worst. Start embracing God's best.

Because with God, it's always His best. Truly.

The more I know Him, the more I experience His goodness and mercy to me, and the more I realize how absolutely worthy He is of being trusted. 

"I don't know where I'm going, more and more each day; it's becoming more alright with me. Because when I know where I'm going my eyes keep me from trusting Thee" - Jason Upton

Fear and Ice Cream

If there was one thing that I could wish for my boys to absolutely not to inherit from my gene pool, it would be my tendency towards anxiety and fear.

I can say, with relative certainty, that Finn inherited my olive skin tone, my stumpy legs, my sensitivity, my timidity......and my fear.

He is a typical first-born in many ways: he likes to be in charge, he benefits greatly from a strong schedule, and he likes to know everything that is going on - at all times.

What that looks like lately is that he asks questions when a situation is new to him. Lots and lots of questions.

Where are we going?
Why are we going?
What are we doing?
Who will be there?
Will you stay with me?
What do they have there?

He is a kid that likes to be prepared. He prefers to have knowledge of what he is walking into.

My mom tells me that I was much the same way. Before she would take me somewhere, she would prep me with all of the details so that it would lessen my anxieties. For example, when we would go to the doctor she would say something along the lines of,

"We will walk in to the waiting room and will wait there for a few minutes until they call our names. When they call our names, they will lead us back to the doctor's office where they will weigh you and check your height. The doctor will use a really cool tool to hear your heartbeat. Then it will be time for a nurse to come in and give you a shot. It will hurt for a second, but the pain will be over with quickly. I will be with you the whole time, and then we can get ice cream."

I found such comfort in knowing each step. When it was laid out all in front of me like that, it felt manageable and something that I could undertake. My anxieties would lessen. 

That is the kind of inherited fear I see in Finn - an anxiousness that lessons when one feels prepared and feels like he can manage whatever he is about to face.

So yes, some fear is inherited. 

But I am learning the older my big boy gets, that some fear is also learned. 

He can latch onto fears simply by watching the way that I act and react to the world around me. 

For example, I have a big old nasty fear of spiders. They are gross, they are ugly, and they have 8 spindly legs that they use to haunt my dreams. Don't even get me started on the webs they are able to create. Sticky, stretchy, yuck. 

Finn knows well my fear of spiders. It used to be that when we would play in our basement, where the spiders feel extra homey, I would screech at the sight of one and he would hop up and kill it for me with toilet paper. "My HERO!" I would exclaim. 

But there came a day a few months ago when all of a sudden Finn didn't want to kill the spider. He, too, wanted to run from it and stare at it in disgust, wishing it would drop dead from a evil glare. He began to shake his head and cower in the corner at the suggestion that he kill it. 

From curiosity and zero fear to cowering in a corner; I can only surmise that he learned this by watching his mommy. 

 - Fear as a personality trait can be inherited. This includes a certain tendency toward timidity and a fondness for being in control. When my mom would give me that speech before we ventured out, she was helping me to trust myself that I could handle what lay ahead. I do the same thing with Finn so that I can prepare him and cut way down on the chances that he might have a meltdown when he feels overwhelmed. This is a natural proactive parenting response. 

However, God does not treat us in the same way. He does not wish for us to trust ourselves, but leaves us in the dark about so much that lies ahead so that we may trust in Him. He does not lay out a step by step plan for us to take, but guides us one foot in front of the other. He does not give speeches like my mom gave, save for one line: "I will be with you the whole time" (Deuteronomy 31:8). This alone is to be enough to quell our fears of the unknown future. We are never left alone or unloved. 

 - Fear as a behavior can be learned. Our kids learn so much from watching us, maybe too much sometimes. They learn how to treat others, how to react in certain situations, how to spend their free time, and how to work through the chaotic world of emotions. What do you do when you are angry, or sad, or overwhelmed, or fearful? That will often be the first thing your child tries when he or she feels something similar. It honestly scares the bejeebers out of me that my boys are learning so much from me, because I know how short I fall in so many areas. I wish I could send them to my sister's house for two weeks and say, "Watch her instead. That's how it should be done." Behaviors are learned. Therefore, behaviors can also be un-learned and re-taught. 

I don't want my boy to prefer cowering in a corner, so I am going to try my hardest to squash the next spider I see as quickly as possible and with the biggest wad of toilet paper I can get - even if it kills me (and it just might). 

We don't have control over what our children inherit from us, but we can do something about the behaviors that they learn from us.

I can teach my son that faith stands up to fear, be it a new situation or a nasty spider. The best way I can teach him is by showing him how.

And that even though I can't prepare him for every little thing he might face, there is One that is always with him.

Also, if he's been a good boy, there can be ice cream afterwards (because Mommy will probably be wanting it too)!

"Help"

I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.

There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.

With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.

Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.

This one has proven a bit different.

We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.

A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.

One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.

When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.

Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.

Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".

I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.

Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.

When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.

Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!

We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.

Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.

Safety in Darkness

Jonas' new favorite thing to do is to climb up onto his big brother's toddler bed. Maybe it is because it has a cool red blanket strewn on top of it in order to create a fort-like atmosphere. Maybe it is because Finn's bed is more fun to bounce upon. Maybe it is because he has been told over and over again NOT to do it. Judging from his mischievous smile when he gets caught, I think it may be the latter.

Last night, I followed him into the room and shadowed him as he climbed up on the bed for like, the 15th time that day. Since I am battling a nasty sore throat and fever, I just did not have the energy to lift him off again. So I joined him. I laid down in the bed with him, and if he got too close to the edge, I mustered the power to steady him.

It wasn't too long before Finn joined us. To a three year old, a situation like this screams, "PARTY IN MY BED!!!!!" Finn laughingly turned on the noise machine and turned off the light, delighting in the fact that we were having a 'sleeping party'.

Unsurprisingly, Jonas was not a fan of this new twist. The lights had been shut off for him and the fun had stopped. I could feel him in the dark grappling to find his balance because he could know longer see where he was. I felt him, ever so slowly, sidle over to me. He touched my face and my arms to make sure it was me, and then he clung to me. I spoke to him as he searched and told him he was okay.

I enjoyed every second of the snuggles, however brief they were. Because 5 seconds later, Finn bounded to the light switch again and turned the lights back on. Just like that, Jonas started scooting further away from me again. He felt safe with the light back on and so he went back to doing whatever he wanted.

Until once again, Finn hysterically shuts the light off and we are basked in darkness. Then the searching and grasping for my arm and face resumed.

This hilarity ensued for a good five minutes before mommy regained the strength to put an end to the madness.

In the light, Jonas giggled and played and made daring attempts to fly past me off of the bed. In the darkness, Jonas cuddled and clung closely to whatever part of me he could find.

And I'm laying there thinking, isn't that what we too often do with God?

When the light is on and we can see where we're going, when things are rosy and sunshiny and going our way, we edge away from Him by pursuing our own desires or whatever is making us happy and fulfilling our needs in that moment.

But when the lights go out on us, what then? We suddenly feel alone and afraid. We struggle through the darkness to find any piece of Him that we can. When we find Him, we hold on tight to His love, and strength, and peace. We know we are safe with Him in the dark.

But oh….to know that it is safe with Him in the light as well. To know that the best place to be on the brightest days of our lives is STILL right by His side, clinging to His hand.

When we remain by His side, we do not need to be afraid that the light around us might suddenly go dark.
When we remain by His side, we don't waste time trying to struggle in the darkness by ourselves.
When we remain by His side, we get to experience the brightest highs and the darkest lows with the One who loves us stronger and knows us better than we could ever imagine.

There's no safer place than that.

"For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God." Isaiah 50:10 (MSG)

"'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:1-5 (NASB)


"There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven!" Philippians 3: 18-20 (MSG)

Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block

The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.

Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.

Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.

It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.

Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.

It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.

Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!

When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".

I lied.

Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.

I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!

But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.

Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?

I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.

However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.

I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.

My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.

Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.

Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.

We ask, "God…why?"

Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.

But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.

Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.

The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.

Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.

Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"

There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.

No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.

So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.

Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.

I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.

I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.

I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.

I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.

Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)

Wild Rumpus

"And when he came to the place where the wild things are they roared their terrible roars and 

gnashed their terrible teeth and 

rolled their terrible eyes and 

showed their terrible claws till 

Max said "BE STILL!" and 

tamed them with the magic trick of staring into 

all their yellow eyes without blinking once and 

they were frightened and called him the most wild thing of all..." 

- Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

We have been dealing with a most formidable foe at the Fjerkenstad household the last few weeks:

Fear.

For the first time, Finn has been truly fearful of certain things. Most of these fears seem to matriculate when it is time for bed. Even for a two year old, life is scariest when one is alone and things are dark.

I have been admittedly a bit baffled by this fearfulness, if only because it seems to have come on so suddenly. Where did my brave, independent boy go? He who used to revel in being given the freedom to play alone in the basement now frantically chases us up the stairs if we start to leave him. Is it just a developmental phase or is this fearfulness a byproduct of something else in his life?

Since this is all new for us, I have been treading carefully when it comes to handling Finn's fear. Essentially, I want to teach Finn to manage his own fear. I don't want my big boy to face his life afraid and shrinking back from things.

In other words, I don't want him to handle fear the way that I did for many, many years. I've learned it doesn't go away if you ignore it......it just gains more power and grows more frightening.

The way I see it, starting now, however we help him deal with fear builds the foundation for how he will deal with fear for the rest of his life.

No pressure.

I feel as though it is a balancing act between listening to him tell his fears but not allowing him to dwell in them.

I want to seek to understand without fostering the fear and making it worse.
I want to let him know that his fears are heard but also that they have no power over him.
I want to hold him when he is afraid but I also want him to know that he is brave and strong and can conquer them on his own.

I want to throw one arm around him in comfort and use the other arm to equip him with a weapon to fight back the fear.

My best friend was over a few weeks ago while I was putting Finn to bed (Bachelorette finale - woop woop!) In his fear as I laid him down, he wanted me to leave the door open and the hallway light on. I did, but as I wandered out to Chanelle in the living room, I sought her advice on how she handled this phase with her own 3 sweet kids.

She quickly asked me, "Did you pray with him?"

Ummmmmmmmmmm..........no.

How had I not even thought of that?! I have prayed for him but I had honestly never thought to pray with him. Praying with him welcomes him into the process and it teaches him through my example.

If I am going to equip Finn to face and deal with his fears, then prayer is the first and last of weapons that I need to be giving him.

Duh. Thanks Chanelle!

The way that I see it, if our fears are like the yellow-eyed, gnashy monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are", then prayer is yelling "BE STILL!" directly at them.

"...Yell a loud no to the devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and He'll be there in no time..." - James 4:7 (MSG).

Now when Finn feels the very real and intense emotion of fear, I pray with him. I am beginning to teach him that he is not alone because he has a Heavenly Father who is ever with him and for him. It is my hope that as he matures, he will realize this truth in greater and increasing measures.

'And now', cried Max, 'Let the wild rumpus start!'" WTWTA

Shoulds and Shouldnt's

This weekend, I willingly offered up nearly 3 hours of my precious time getting sucked into a movie on Netflix: "Lost in Austen". The premise of this movie is basically that a modern day Londoner (Londonite?) who is obsessed with "Pride and Prejudice" ends up swapping places with Elizabeth Bennett. While she tries to take control of the story in order to make sure that things end up as they should (Jane with Bingley, Charlotte with Collins, Lydia NOT with Wickham), she of course ends up falling in love with Darcy. This much is understandable to me. However, the 3 hours became irredeemable as the movie ended; this new lady and Darcy proclaimed their love and ultimately ended up together. Errr, what?!

As a touted romantic, there are just certain unalienable truths.

Noah belongs with Allie. 

Zack belongs with Kelly. 

Ross belongs with Rachel. 

Gilbert belongs with Anne. 

Darcy belongs with Elizabeth. 

Period. No erasees. 

Any attempts to modernize these truths and thereby change them result in me rolling my eyes in frustration. Some things are just meant to be. These things should just be.

Right?

I'm a big fan of should. I'm a rule follower. I color inside the lines. I never had a single detention, or even a warning.

I remember when I was living down in Arkansas, I met my sister and her boys at the mall with the little boy I nannied at the time. As we were trying to make our way to the second floor, Kiki suggested we use the nearby escalator instead of treading over a ways to the elevator. As she positioned her stroller filled with boys onto the escalator, I was getting ready to follow with my own stroller when I noticed a sign that said, "No strollers on the escalator". I hesitated and questioned Kiki about it. What if we got in trouble??? She rolled her eyes at me and I'm pretty sure she made fun of me. And then she continued on her way. So I sheepishly followed.

I feel like in my faith, "should" has been something that I have continued to wrestle with God. The longer that I live, the more I realize that the "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts"of life are an illusion - there to make us feel as though we have some sort of control in this crazy, unpredictable life.

Children shouldn't suffer from terminal illnesses.
Children should live longer than their parents.
There shouldn't be people starving in others countries.
We should always keep our patience while driving - even around Iowans.
I shouldn't get frustrated when my son tests his boundaries.
I should always be filled with belief and never feel anxious.

The examples go on and on. The only thing, really, that matters though is where we are led through all the shoulds and shouldn'ts. It is difficult to completely suspend our beliefs about certain matters. Shoulds and shouldn'ts will always exist somewhere in our minds.

But do we leave them there and grow bitter and anxious with everything that doesn't go the way we deem it needs to go?

Or do we surrender those very things, humbly admitting that we do not know all and that no matter what happens, we are cradled in God?

I think that sometimes our expectations, our shoulds and shouldn'ts, cause us to turn away from God and question what in the world He is doing. We reject what He is offering us in a given moment.

"Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life of material comfort? A life free of all trials, all hardship, all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement - expectations - is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy? And what do I really deserve? Thankfully, God never gives what is deserved, but instead, God graciously, passionately offers gifts, our bodies, our time, our very lives.....proudly refusing to accept this moment, dismissing it as no gift at all, I refuse God. I reject God." - Ann Voskamp One Thousand Gifts

I was listening to a sermon today that discussed the crucifixion of Jesus. What stood out to me the most was the following:

"When Jesus Christ Himself said, "Come to me", God turned away from Him. In other words, Jesus got the abandonment we deserved. Jesus was calling for God and God turned His face away, so that when we say to God, "Turn Your face away', God will come. Because He experienced what we should have received, and therefore He can be understanding....." - Dr. Timothy Keller

That's the biggest "shouldn't" there ever was. Jesus dying for us, taking our punishment. We should have to pay the price of our own sin against God. Jesus shouldn't have to die for crimes he never committed. But because that "shouldn't" happened, we can trust God with the entirety of our lives - even that which doesn't make sense. Even when we reject and turn away, God comes.

If we can surrender the shoulds and shouldn'ts of life and trust in the strength of God's arms to hold us, the power of God's love to save us, and the sovereignty of God's knowledge to guide us, there is nothing to fear.

Rack, Shack and Benny

I recently got thrown into a bit of a tailspin.

Something that I had come to depend on as a loyal safety net was suddenly pulled from me and I felt a bit as though I was flailing.

As I have discovered in the past, if I focused on the loss or the stir of trouble, I quickly became sick to my stomach with anxiety. But, rejoice! If I focused on God and the belief of His sovereignty, peace remained.

I had to do this more than once, more than 10 times, really. Then I guess I just did it so much that the fear got tired of trying and stayed away!

This morning as I was praying, I found myself thinking about Rack, Shack and Benny.

Rack, Shack and Benny; otherwise known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).

I was thinking of their amazing story, of their total commitment to God: to refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's god and thereby be thrown into (and saved from) the fiery furnace.

And I began putting myself in their shoes.......would I have been able to take that same bold stance for God? Would I have rather been thrown into the furnace than bow before another? Would I have gotten to experience the wonder of not getting burned by the fire?

Tragically, this is what came to my mind: "Well, I could do that if I was in the right frame of mind."

I began to try to decipher why that was my first reaction. After all, what does that mean? To be in the 'right frame of mind'?

It basically all came down to the fact that sometimes I feel close enough to God to risk anything for Him and obey Him no matter what He asks. Other times, our relationship isn't as easy or simple for me to trust.

More than anything, that passing thought gave me good reason to evaluate what it would take to remain in that so-called 'right frame of mind'. I don't have the entirety of my relationship with God figured out in statistics or black and white obviousness, but I do know that I want to consistently remain in the frame of mind that I would rather die than disown or disobey Him. I want to be a Rack, Shack and Benny compadre.

One of the first verses that I remember learning was 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I always gravitated to this verse because fear has always been a struggle of mine and it reminds me that fear is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be "of sound mind".

I remember being a bit disillusioned however, upon reading the NIV: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline." Self-discipline? Can't I have a sound mind instead? Trade-sies?

About a month ago I was thinking about this verse and why it was translated in different versions as "sound mind" and "self-discipline". What is the similarity that exists between them?

Perhaps, just maybe.........sound mind = self-discipline.

Perhaps, just maybe, we often come to be of sound mind through self-discipline - the self-discipline of training our minds to be sound.

This was truly revelatory to me, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.

It is pretty clear that Rack, Shack and Benny would not have been able to choose what they did and see a miracle of God if they had been operating in fear, rather than from a trifecta of soundness. If they had been focusing on the fire or their fear of being burned, they most likely would have acted to appease King Nebuchadnezzar. But they were focused on God and knew that He was bigger than the issue they were facing. This gave them the sound minds they needed to know that whatever happened, they could trust God.

For people like me, a sound mind is not a trait that comes naturally. Rather, it is something that I need to work hard to cultivate in myself because that is what God wants me, as His follower, to have.

The cultivating comes by recognizing fearful and anxious thoughts and replacing them with the word of God; by spending more time thinking about God's character and love than about myself or my situation.

"Truth is never at the mercy of facts. Facts say I feel lonely and afraid. Truth says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'." - Damon Thompson

I'm still learning. And sometimes I have to choose to focus on God 10-plus times before the anxious thoughts get tired and give up.

But there is a sound mind to be had and I'm going to get it.

Tennis, Anyone?

My sister and I got out yesterday to play tennis. We used to spend our summers doing this - I'm pretty sure we had our own court on reserve at all times at McKennan Park! I had forgotten how much FUN it is to play, even if we did have four little monkey men running around on the court with us!

We decided to play at Lincoln High School (our alma mater) and it brought me back to when those courts were my second home. I was on the tennis team all four years of high school and those courts took a little of my blood, a lot of my sweat, and a few of my tears.

As Kiki and I were playing, I recalled one particular memory on those courts that happened my senior year. Our team was practicing, and our coach pulled me and two other girls aside. The three of us were all seniors, and all were going to be playing another year on the JV team instead of the varsity.

This really came as no surprise to any of us. Our team was amazing - 2 time state champs positioned to take the title again, our varsity ironically consisted of only two seniors.......and an 8th grader, a 9th grader and two 10th graders. But they were all so good! So very, very good! We supported them and rooted for them and were all great friends. There was no jealousy or vying for the top spots, at least that I can remember in looking back with these rose-colored glasses :).

That is why when our coach pulled us aside, us three were a little confused. He proceeded to tell us that when seniors don't make varsity their final year, he always offered them an easy out to leave the team - no questions asked. It being the final year, I think he saw it as an offering of grace. But it just baffled me.

Why wouldn't I want to play? I loved tennis - enough to put up with the 90 degree weather, weekend-filled tournaments and endless rounds of "running the ladder" during practices. The thought of not playing just because I didn't make the top squad was truly absurd.

Apparently it was absurd enough to me that when the coach was finished talking, I gave him a look that let him know just how absurd I thought it was. At the senior banquet that year, he told that story about the three of us and the infamous look I had given him. I think his exact words were something like, "I remember Gretchen especially looking at me like, 'What are you talking about?!'"

Looking back on that story, I wish that I were still more like that. I wish that I would do more things for the sheer love of doing them and more often disregard the opinion of others. There are times that I refrain from doing things if I don't feel like I will excel at them. It seems to me that the older I get, the more I allow fear to hold me back. I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will look like an idiot.

To my coach, it was a bit strange for seniors to want to play on the tennis team if they weren't on varsity. To me, my coach was wrong.

I suppose that the moral of this story is to not let what others think hold us back from the desires that are in our hearts. I wasn't the most experienced or talented tennis player on that team by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that God used me that season on that team because He called me to it. "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there" (1 Corinthians 7:17 MSG).

If I had listened to the coach that day or given his opinion more weight than my own, I would have quit the team and missed a wonderful season and deepening friendships and celebrating another state title with my girls.

If you believe in God and seek him whole-heartedly, trust yourself and the ability that God has given You to hear His voice and walk in His will. Don't give fear a say.

"With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort" (1 Corinthians 15:58 MSG)

"Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping" (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)