I Said "Yes"

June 29, 2008. 3 years ago today, we were visiting Matt's family in Minnesota and it was an absolutely beautiful day from the moment the sun rose.
We went to church.
We ate Subway for lunch.
We took our Sunday afternoon nap and watched "Saved By the Bell".
We ate Jake's Pizza for dinner with his family.

All in all, it had been a wonderful day from top to bottom. But there was nothing super extraordinary about it - yet.

After pizza, Matt and I took a loooooong drive. I didn't know it, but Matt was trying to kill time waiting for the sun to go down (it was one of the longest days of the year). So we drove down country road after country road. He could have been driving me in circles for all I knew - you'd have to ask him, but I actually think he was! As we drove, we sang and harmonized together. Nerds, both of us.

Finally, as the clock was approaching 10 p.m., Matt deemed that it was dark enough out to carry out his plan. So we drove out to the house that his parents were building in the country, as his dad had called earlier and asked Matt if we could "pick up a notebook that he had left there".

We pulled down the long driveway and Matt says, "Let's hang out here for awhile and watch the fireflies. You're not in a hurry to get home, are you?" Ummmmm...................no, not so much.

So we sat on a bench overlooking the valley. There was no one around but us. The stars were slowly becoming brighter and the fireflies seemed to be multiplying every minute. It was beautiful. Matt put a cd on in his car and turned it up so we could hear the music.

The third song in, I recognized the chords immediately as one of my favorites: "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes.

As soon as the lyrics started, the tree that we were sitting beneath lit up with white lights and Matt asked me to turn around. I obliged, and there written on the window behind us was this:

Notice it doesn't say Will You Marry Me? Rather it says, Will You Marry Me! 

This is very Matt-appropriate :)

I turned back around to face Matt and he was off the bench and down on his knee before me. And he said simply, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

I said yes. 

And we danced under the stars. 

As I laid in bed that night, I remember I couldn't fall asleep because I kept holding up my hand to look at my beautiful ring. In that one evening, so many of my prayers were answered. Matt and I had waited a long time for each other. 

He says he knew he would marry me on our first date. We were walking through Walmart and I had turned around and walked backwards as he was talking so that I could better focus on him. 

For me, the realization came a couple days later when we were talking on the phone. I said "MVEMJSUNP" and he immediately knew what I was talking about. 

Clearly we were meant for one another :). 

(the tree that lit up right before he proposed)

The last 3 years since that night have been filled with highs and lows and lots of everything in between. 

And I would still say yes. 

Pregnancy Weight Loss, Schmegnancy Schmeight Schmoss

This isn't really easy for me to write about. However, my purpose with having a blog was to sort out the spasms of my mind and so I suppose that writing it all down is worthy of a shot.

Having a baby changed my body, and not in a good way! Before I go any further, I must stress that everything was absolutely worth it and I wouldn't change a thing!!! Finn is my answered prayer.

Onward.

For the first few months of my pregnancy, I remember thinking that I could really get used to being pregnant! I had dealt with some nausea but not much and I was having fun working on building my belly and experimenting with maternity fashion. Somewhere around the beginning of my third trimester, that all changed.

It started small.....and at the risk of sounding shallow, I started to realize that it had been awhile since someone had told me that I looked pretty or that I was such a cute pregnant lady. This didn't seem like such a big deal to me at the time and I would most often shrug off those feelings. After all, I didn't feel so different when I looked in the mirror.

But then I would see pictures of myself and would be in shock of how large I looked in the photo. People would comment to me on how I looked so much further along than I really was. People told me that I looked miserable and swollen. I didn't feel any of those things. And then someone just flat out said that I looked fat.

So I cried.

But because I had a valiant young man by my side still telling me that I was beautiful to him, I got over that too.

(Pictures of me at 8 months that I swore no one would ever see. This is what I call "making peace"!

Looking back, I suppose that there was a big part of me that hoped/believed that the moment I walked out of the hospital after giving birth, I would be considerably slimmer. Even possibly thin again.

As it turned out.................not so much.

Now, I have lost weight over the last six and a half months since Finn was born, just not as quickly or drastically as I had hoped. The hard-to-swallow fact is that I still have a good 10 pounds to go - at least. And these aren't just any 10 pounds. These are stubborn little suckers.

To shift gears just a tad, I am slowly beginning to realize that if I want to be pleased with the way I look, the time has come to eat like a grown-up.

Most people who know me, even on a surface-level, know that I do not have the best eating habits. Through the last 10 years of my adult life, my diet has consisted heavily of Totino's frozen pizza, pizza rolls, bagels with peanut butter, something sweet after every meal, and lots of Diet Coke. Zero water. Zero vegetables. Almost zero fruit (unless it was strawberries with sugar on top). This did change substantially when I got pregnant but I do not believe that the change was dramatic enough.

Writing all of this down and the utter truth of it feels a little laughable. But I also just feel ashamed.

For a lot of the last few years I have blamed my poor eating habits on my mom. After all, she was the one who let me eat french fries with a chocolate malt chaser for many meals.

I also claimed that I just didn't know how to eat healthier. I didn't know how to prepare well-rounded meals or what had the nutrients I needed or what to buy.

But I am realizing that these have been crutches for me to lean upon and I have grown tired of excuses.

Sound the alarm! Break out the marching band! Anyone have any balloons??!

Gretchen is changing the way she eats. For good.

The other day at Target, I bought peas and green beans. This was truly a momentous occasion. Now I just have to eat them :).

In all seriousness, I am changing the way I eat for many reasons. To be healthy. To not be unhealthy. To get my body better prepared for another pregnancy. And yes, to lose weight.

I am also coming to finally admit that being healthy and taking care of our bodies is important to God. Over the years, this has been a Biblical principle that I have glossed over carelessly and chose to not apply to my life.
"Learn to appreciate and give dignity to your body, not abusing it, as is so common among those who know nothing of God" (1 Thessalonians 4:4 MSG)

And I admit that I am still learning - there is still a whole uncharted (by me) world out there of eating healthy. If anyone has any tips or tricks, I welcome them!

And please - be gentle with the pregnant women you know. Tell them they look beautiful and by all means, never ever ever in a gazillion years ever tell them that they look fat. They have enough going on without dealing with others' insensitivity. This is spoken from one who knows :).

"The Giving Tree" Church

It is probably no secret to any regular readers of my blog that I am a Christian and I grew up in church. God and church have always been a huge part of my life.

A couple of days ago I attended a retirement party for a couple that is extremely dear to me - Pastor Ron and Margo Traub. They have been my pastors for.....well....for forever.

My family began attending 1st Assembly of God church when I was 3 years old and it was often at the forefront of family activity. In other words, it was our second home for many, many years! We were at church for every service, as my mom didn't think there was any good excuse to miss - even for homework :). So every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night..............the Swanson family shuffled in like a small herd.

As I was sitting at the retirement party yesterday and seeing faces from throughout the years and watching the slideshow that chronicled the Traubs 29 years of service........I couldn't help but reflect on the barrage of memories that were being drawn up. That church and its people are tied to a plethora of my memories.

 - It's where I would sit and play in the orange chairs when we used to have church in the gym....before the sanctuary was built. I often went and sat by Dorothy Elliot because she would bring fun toys!

 - It's where I first began singing at the age of 3; "Jesus Loves Me", anyone?

 - It's where us kids would play Hide and Go Seek as we waited for our parents to pick us up from Kid's Church

 - It's where I was a flower girl in my cousin's wedding and got to wear a pretty dress with flowers in my hair and walk down the aisle with the ring "bear"

 - It's where I became an expert explorer when the new sanctuary was being built and we would wander through the construction site

 - It's where I watched my older siblings perform in the youth group plays and wished I could be that cool

 - It's where I played in the sanctuary while waiting for my parents during countless music practices, throwing my Barbies off of the balcony

 - It's where we spent Sunday nights, then headed out after church with a regular crew to meet at Rolling Pin

 - It's where I met my best friend.....standing outside the nursery when we were 7 years old and my dad was selling hers a house. She pulled my hair and told me I was her best friend. 22 years later - we are still best friends!

 - It's where I said a final goodbye to my big brother Matt - his funeral was held there in October 1995

 - It's where I performed in a play when I was 14 years old, which led to me later sitting in my car with my mom in the driveway and praying to rededicate my life to God

 - It's where we would leave for camps bright and early Monday morning being all cute and clean....and return Friday afternoon disheveled, inspired, and wearing whatever was packed at the bottom of the suitcase

 - It's where we used to turn off all the lights and play Sardines throughout the entire church building

 - It's where I participated in Singing Christmas Tree after Singing Christmas Tree......I was at various times a little girl waking up Christmas morning, a ballerina, a choir member, Mary, and a teenager up in an attic.......

 - It's where we spent countless hours playing pool in the youth room

 - It's where I would shake with nerves every time I got up to sing a solo

 - It's where we honed our skills for Fine Arts Festivals

 - It's where we worked to pull off the Valentine Dinner Theaters

 - It's where we had Graduation Sunday and I  received the Bible that would become awfully marked up during my college years

 - It's where I got married to the love of my life

 - It's where we returned after several years away and were welcomed back with open arms

 - It's where I got to sing with my husband while he led worship

 - It's where we dedicated our son to God

Looking back on these many memories has reminded me just how God has used the church to
nurture me,
mature me,
comfort me,
discipline me,
teach me,
love me.

I keep thinking of "The Giving Tree", and the tree that kept sacrificing pieces of itself in order to care for the boy it loved. In many ways, that is what the church has been for me. It is chock full of people who have sacrificed their time and given their talents so that I and many other children could grow in the knowledge of God.

I get downright giddy when I think of how incredibly grateful I am to be able to provide Finn with that same support system.

And now it is my turn. It is my turn to give and sacrifice so that others will know how MUCH God loves them.

Shoo-ee His love is extravagant! I get emotional even thinking about it. That is what people need to know.

I wish I knew how best to thank people like the Traubs who poured into my life.

I can't say for certain what they would prefer, but I venture to say that the best 'thank you' they could ever receive is seeing a life they poured into living for God's glory.

So to my parents and the Traubs and my children's pastors, youth pastors, Sunday School teachers, and many many others...............

THANK YOU.

White Piano

There are some days that no matter how terrible they are, can still end well and totally redeem themselves.

That is how yesterday was for me. It kind of felt as though I was trying to swim through water.

You know that feeling........in your mind you are moving your legs as fast as you can, but as your legs try to move through the water, the resistance proves futile. The deeper the water, the greater the difficulty to wade successfully through.

Yesterday it seemed that I started at about ankle deep water and as the day progressed, the water grew higher and higher. The strange thing is that there wasn't any major thing that went wrong. It was just a lot of tiny little things. Every time there was a chance for something to go the way I wanted it to, it didn't.

Like Alexander's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, I woke up with gum in my hair, didn't get the dessert I wanted at lunch, got shafted on the tennis shoes I wanted, and had to eat lima beans for dinner. Metaphorically speaking.

And so it went.....all day long......until finally, yesterday afternoon when I was writing a blog, I somehow managed to delete the entire thing. I can't even explain how it happened, which increased my frustration!

On an ordinary day,  I would have been annoyed and disappointed. But yesterday, it was the tiny string of straw that broke the camel's back.

I cried. I went into my bedroom and flat out ugly cried.



And it felt amazing!!! What a release!

Now, the rest of the day wasn't a fairy tale by any means. There were still minor hiccups and headaches. But because of my cathartic ugly cry, I was in a better place to deal with them.

I was ready to concede to the day going down in the history books as "meh", when I was surprised by the ability of a single circumstance to completely turn it around.

We were over at my mom and stepdad's house last night for my nephew's birthday party. And as the party was winding down, my mom sat down at her piano to play.

(this is not my mother, but it is her piano!)

Now let me just say: I LOVE listening to my mom play the piano. It is one of my favorite things on earth. It has the power to instantly bring me back to being a child. So although the white piano room was filled with people playing and talking and consorting noisily.........in my mind I was in my happy place.

I felt immediately refreshed and ready to take on the world once again, lima beans and all.

So the next time that I have a frustrating day, I hope I don't underestimate the chance of an eleventh hour redemption.

After all, there is always hope that things will get better.

Tennis, Anyone?

My sister and I got out yesterday to play tennis. We used to spend our summers doing this - I'm pretty sure we had our own court on reserve at all times at McKennan Park! I had forgotten how much FUN it is to play, even if we did have four little monkey men running around on the court with us!

We decided to play at Lincoln High School (our alma mater) and it brought me back to when those courts were my second home. I was on the tennis team all four years of high school and those courts took a little of my blood, a lot of my sweat, and a few of my tears.

As Kiki and I were playing, I recalled one particular memory on those courts that happened my senior year. Our team was practicing, and our coach pulled me and two other girls aside. The three of us were all seniors, and all were going to be playing another year on the JV team instead of the varsity.

This really came as no surprise to any of us. Our team was amazing - 2 time state champs positioned to take the title again, our varsity ironically consisted of only two seniors.......and an 8th grader, a 9th grader and two 10th graders. But they were all so good! So very, very good! We supported them and rooted for them and were all great friends. There was no jealousy or vying for the top spots, at least that I can remember in looking back with these rose-colored glasses :).

That is why when our coach pulled us aside, us three were a little confused. He proceeded to tell us that when seniors don't make varsity their final year, he always offered them an easy out to leave the team - no questions asked. It being the final year, I think he saw it as an offering of grace. But it just baffled me.

Why wouldn't I want to play? I loved tennis - enough to put up with the 90 degree weather, weekend-filled tournaments and endless rounds of "running the ladder" during practices. The thought of not playing just because I didn't make the top squad was truly absurd.

Apparently it was absurd enough to me that when the coach was finished talking, I gave him a look that let him know just how absurd I thought it was. At the senior banquet that year, he told that story about the three of us and the infamous look I had given him. I think his exact words were something like, "I remember Gretchen especially looking at me like, 'What are you talking about?!'"

Looking back on that story, I wish that I were still more like that. I wish that I would do more things for the sheer love of doing them and more often disregard the opinion of others. There are times that I refrain from doing things if I don't feel like I will excel at them. It seems to me that the older I get, the more I allow fear to hold me back. I fear that I will fail. I fear that I will look like an idiot.

To my coach, it was a bit strange for seniors to want to play on the tennis team if they weren't on varsity. To me, my coach was wrong.

I suppose that the moral of this story is to not let what others think hold us back from the desires that are in our hearts. I wasn't the most experienced or talented tennis player on that team by any stretch of the imagination, but I know that God used me that season on that team because He called me to it. "And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there" (1 Corinthians 7:17 MSG).

If I had listened to the coach that day or given his opinion more weight than my own, I would have quit the team and missed a wonderful season and deepening friendships and celebrating another state title with my girls.

If you believe in God and seek him whole-heartedly, trust yourself and the ability that God has given You to hear His voice and walk in His will. Don't give fear a say.

"With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort" (1 Corinthians 15:58 MSG)

"Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping" (1 Corinthians 16:13-14)