Ezra fell down the stairs yesterday.
I heard him crying as I was changing out of my church clothes and in a moment of panic, wondered if I had forgotten to shut the door to the basement after laying Jonas down for a nap.
Coming around the corner into the kitchen and realizing that the door was indeed open was one of the scariest moments of my life.
I ran. I ran so fast that I don't remember how I reached him. I only remember the way I felt. I picked him up and held him close and checked him all over.
I was shaking and crying and terrified.
He was fine. Truly, I'm not sure how, but he was and is completely fine.
I, on the other hand, remained a mess. I ripped myself apart with thoughts of my incompetency as a mother. I felt like the worst mom in the world, negligent and forgetful and guilty.
The only counselor I ever saw pinpointed me from the very beginning: "You are way too hard on yourself, Gretchen." This was one of those moments. I curled into myself and fixated on my failure.
I felt sick all afternoon. The "what-if's" and "what-could-have-been's" terrorized me. I allowed them to. Logically, I knew that Ezra was okay. I knew that he was safe and healthy and perfectly perfect. Yet I was allowing my thoughts to reek complete havoc on my peace.
Then there came a moment of decision for me. I was watching a video of our worship experience yesterday morning at church. The worship that day was powerful, anointed, and broke some chains off of me. As I re-experienced that moment via video, one of the lyrics jumped out at me: "You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a child of God".
Rescue. I knew that God had rescued my boy, again. I knew that with my whole being. I just didn't know why. Then, in that moment, it hit me. God is rescuing Ezra for Himself and some greater purpose that I cannot yet fathom. Something in me just knows it. I don't need to fear losing a boy that God seems intent to rescue.
Even in my failure, I cannot break what God intends to keep whole.
I knew then that I had a choice to make. I could keep ruminating on what could have happened, or what could happen the next time I forget to do something important. I could tie myself up in knots with question after question, the worst case scenarios building a grim future for my life.
Or I could choose to see God's mercy in the situation. I could see His saving hand and pour out my gratitude to Him. I could laugh in wonder at the amazing protection that God has ordered for my precocious Ezra. That was a moment of distinction for me:
Choosing to see God's protection in my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection, and not my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection.
And then thanking Him with all I have.
A couple of nights ago, we were visiting my aunt and uncle who live on a beautiful piece of land in Canton. They have an adorable golden retriever named Jack, who is still quite puppy-like in his behavior. Jack is sweet and energetic and BIG. My boys love dogs, but they are not used to dogs that big. So when Jack bounced around with them, barking, they got scared. They ran. Jack, who thought they were playing, ran after them. This caused terrified screams and cries from their cute little faces.
There was one time in particular that Finn was running from Jack, screaming. Matt called out to him, "Finn! Finn! Just run to me!" Matt knew that if Finn would run to him, then he would be able to protect him. He would handle the dog and keep Finn safe. When Finn kept running farther and faster away, it was difficult for Matt to do anything. He needed Finn close to protect him.
However, Finn couldn't hear his daddy calling. The dog was too close and the barking was too loud. Those teeth were too big and the situation was too scary. So he cried and screamed, powerless to do much else.
This was such a vivid example to me of how God responds to us in the barking chaos of our lives. When circumstances are overwhelming, He calls out to us to come close, to draw near. He wants to enclose us in the shadow of His wing so that He can better protect us. Yet sometimes the noise and the size of our circumstances just drowns out the voice of our Father and Protector. In our fear, we end up running further away from Him Who alone can help us.
Ezra falling down the stairs was life barking at me. Barking at me about my greatest fears and my most intimate failures.
When I drew close through prayer, it was then that God could speak the words that would restore my peace and dismantle my anxiety. I could have spent many days tied up in knots and broken over what almost happened. I know myself enough to know that I could have spiraled into a hole of fear and guilt.
God is speaking. He is always speaking. I choose to stay close to Him so I can hear Him above everything else and so that He can handle the noisy dogs of life for me. Dogs chase and bark, but God draws and whispers. Dogs will demand our attention but God will invite it.
It takes desire and true intention to focus on God over the chaos of our circumstances. But when we do, we will find a Father willing and capable to protect.
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label peace. Show all posts
Monday, September 19, 2016
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Peace as Shoes - Armor of God
The moment that I walked in the door after teaching on righteousness, my husband told me some information that immediately began attacking my peace. It was a financial issue, which is a common anxiety-inducer in my life.
I felt the familiar pangs of panic begin to tighten in my chest.
He was stressed out, I could see it. The good news is that when he gets stressed out, I know that there is no room for me to do the same.
I took a deep breath and assessed the situation for what it was: an excellent opportunity for me to walk in the shoes of peace for the next week before I taught on them.
Bring it on.
Most women get really excited to learn about peace. Whether one struggles with anxiety, worry,
discontentment, relational problems, or something else entirely, most every one can admit that she desires more peace in her life.
Right here, at the beginning, I need to say that peace is not a magic potion. It does not descend upon one's life like a fluffy, comforting cloud.
When I went through this study the first time, my teacher and friend, Heather, pointed out that peace is the one fruit of the spirit that cannot be conjured up. A person cannot will herself to peace. That stuck with me because I have tried, so incredibly hard, to make myself have peace. Nothing works.
Except...
In John 14:27, we see that Jesus bequeaths his peace to us; peace is already ours, but it does have to be fought for. There are a hundred things that can happen each day that could try to dislodge peace in our lives. Our circumstances constantly try to shake us. But we need to have the steady well of peace within us if we want to be able to bring peace to the circumstances around us.
"True peace is best detected and measured against the backdrop of commotion and confusion - when instability abounds, yet you remain steadfast; when disappointment and confusion are near, yet you're still capable of walking with Spirit-infused confidence, stability, and steadiness" - Priscilla Shirer
Shirer presents the specific type of shoes that Paul was talking about when he assigned peace to shoes. They were designed for battle and helped the soldiers to be effective on different types of terrain. These shoes had nail-like spikes that protruded from the bottom and allowed for firm grip while in battle.
They were meant to provide protection in the midst of the fight. These were not your mama's bunny slippers.
Paul wanted us to see that peace is meant to protect us from the crazy swirling around us.
While I had been nervous to teach on righteousness, I felt fairly confident teaching on peace. I educate myself on the subject of peace on a regular basis, because I need it. I've talked about my struggles with anxiety on this forum frequently. There's not a lot I need to rehash. The bulleted version is this:
*I've been prone to anxiety all my life
*I fell in a deep hole of it a few years ago
*God gave me wisdom to dig out
*I need to continue to be vigilant with peace to not get sucked back under the waves when they roar
The very cool thing is that the tools that I learned years ago to help dig out of my anxiety hole are extremely similar to what Priscilla Shirer teaches when instructing on the shoes of peace. This is not coincidence, it is solid truth and it's effective and powerful.
There are tested strategies that we can use to lock peace into place in our lives.
1. Peace is a matter of focus.
Circumstances that destroy our peace are empowered when we focus on ourselves. Self-focus is rich soil for things like anxiety and discontentment to grow quickly. The bad news is that we are naturally self-focused, but the great news is that we can do something about it.
With intention, we turn our eyes to God through worship. Worship restores our perspective because it reminds us of how powerful and beautiful God is. With intention, we turn our eyes to others through service. We ask what we can do to make someone else's day easier and how we can lighten someone else's load. We become reminded of how this world is not about us, and our comfort and happiness are minuscule matters in the scheme of things.
2. Peace is a matter of gratitude
When we choose to be thankful for all that God has already done and all that He is constantly doing for us, it is a consistent reminder that He is good and faithful. It starts with big things and then you will begin to feel a small amount of peace trickle in: God, thank you for the ones I love. Thank you for a job that provides. Thank you for a home as shelter.
The more you practice thankfulness, you start noticing smaller, more detailed things, but you feel it all in a bigger way: God, thank you that the sunrise this morning was perfectly timed so I could see it out my window as I got ready. The colors were really beautiful. God, thank you for that smile that my child gave me today. I could tell in that moment that he was feeling nothing but pure joy. God, thank you that my friend sent me that text that showed she was thinking of me. I needed that so badly.
Practicing gratitude opens our eyes to how constantly God is loving and caring for us. Peace floods in at this realization.
Shirer gives this equation: Trust fuels thanksgiving. Thanksgiving activates peace. I love this because it helps me remember that peace is already inside me, I just need to press the start button by giving thanks.
3. Peace is a matter of motion
We cannot hide from anxiety. We cannot run away from discontentment. These are temporary, ineffective ways of dealing with major heart issues. We must keep our feet moving in a forward direction to experience a lasting solution. We have to take that next step, fighting off the emotions that wish to strangle us in place.
When King David was fleeing from his son, Absalom, who was trying to usurp his throne, he wrote Psalms 3:3-5: "O Lord, look how my enemies have increased! Many are attacking me. Many are saying about me, 'Even with God (on his side), he won't be victorious'. But you, O Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high. I call aloud to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep. I wake up again because the Lord continues to support me."
David's safety and identity are both being threatened as he writes; you can feel his emotions trying to overtake him. In one of the best sermons I've ever heard on anxiety, Timothy Keller points out that the shield described in this verse was a specific type of shield that covered the front and top portion of a soldier. It was extremely effective in protecting those who moved forward in battle. However, if that soldier turned and ran, he was completely vulnerable to attack because his back was exposed. This is such a stellar illustration of how God's protection works best for us when we continue in motion. When we retreat and give up territory, our problems with anxiety and discontentment do not go away. They actually gain the territory in our lives that we have relinquished. We have not won when we run; we have only delayed our defeat for awhile.
When I mentioned above about our financial issue, it sounds like I handled it so maturely. Please understand, it sounds so simplified in a blog like this. That night, my mind still tried to jump to those worst case scenarios. My stomach still tightened with anxiety. My heart still started racing.
I still struggled.
But I immediately chose to see the attack on my peace as a gift in disguise. It took a few days for my mind, stomach, and heart to catch up with that decision. But they did catch up. Days later, I was walking in full confidence, knowing that the financial situation would be solved, one way or another. I didn't think this because I had any reasonable evidence for it. Rather, I believed it because I had chosen to fix my eyes on God instead of my situation. I worshiped Him and thanked Him for the response to my prayers before I saw it. I was not paralyzed in fear, but moved forward in the situation through prayer and fasting. The peace that was in the deep well within me expanded and overflowed into the circumstances around me. And?
And the situation resolved. Completely, and then some.
Having the power to choose where we fix our eyes is a powerful gift that God gives us. He could control our minds into peace if He so desired.
However, authentic relationship with us matters too much to Him. He wants us to trust Him because He's sovereign and loves us. He wants us to thank Him because He is good and takes care of us. He wants us to have His peace, that's why He gave it to us.
We just need to activate it.
I felt the familiar pangs of panic begin to tighten in my chest.
He was stressed out, I could see it. The good news is that when he gets stressed out, I know that there is no room for me to do the same.
I took a deep breath and assessed the situation for what it was: an excellent opportunity for me to walk in the shoes of peace for the next week before I taught on them.
Bring it on.
Most women get really excited to learn about peace. Whether one struggles with anxiety, worry,
discontentment, relational problems, or something else entirely, most every one can admit that she desires more peace in her life.
Right here, at the beginning, I need to say that peace is not a magic potion. It does not descend upon one's life like a fluffy, comforting cloud.
When I went through this study the first time, my teacher and friend, Heather, pointed out that peace is the one fruit of the spirit that cannot be conjured up. A person cannot will herself to peace. That stuck with me because I have tried, so incredibly hard, to make myself have peace. Nothing works.
Except...
In John 14:27, we see that Jesus bequeaths his peace to us; peace is already ours, but it does have to be fought for. There are a hundred things that can happen each day that could try to dislodge peace in our lives. Our circumstances constantly try to shake us. But we need to have the steady well of peace within us if we want to be able to bring peace to the circumstances around us.
"True peace is best detected and measured against the backdrop of commotion and confusion - when instability abounds, yet you remain steadfast; when disappointment and confusion are near, yet you're still capable of walking with Spirit-infused confidence, stability, and steadiness" - Priscilla Shirer
Shirer presents the specific type of shoes that Paul was talking about when he assigned peace to shoes. They were designed for battle and helped the soldiers to be effective on different types of terrain. These shoes had nail-like spikes that protruded from the bottom and allowed for firm grip while in battle.
They were meant to provide protection in the midst of the fight. These were not your mama's bunny slippers.
Paul wanted us to see that peace is meant to protect us from the crazy swirling around us.
While I had been nervous to teach on righteousness, I felt fairly confident teaching on peace. I educate myself on the subject of peace on a regular basis, because I need it. I've talked about my struggles with anxiety on this forum frequently. There's not a lot I need to rehash. The bulleted version is this:
*I've been prone to anxiety all my life
*I fell in a deep hole of it a few years ago
*God gave me wisdom to dig out
*I need to continue to be vigilant with peace to not get sucked back under the waves when they roar
The very cool thing is that the tools that I learned years ago to help dig out of my anxiety hole are extremely similar to what Priscilla Shirer teaches when instructing on the shoes of peace. This is not coincidence, it is solid truth and it's effective and powerful.
There are tested strategies that we can use to lock peace into place in our lives.
1. Peace is a matter of focus.
Circumstances that destroy our peace are empowered when we focus on ourselves. Self-focus is rich soil for things like anxiety and discontentment to grow quickly. The bad news is that we are naturally self-focused, but the great news is that we can do something about it.
With intention, we turn our eyes to God through worship. Worship restores our perspective because it reminds us of how powerful and beautiful God is. With intention, we turn our eyes to others through service. We ask what we can do to make someone else's day easier and how we can lighten someone else's load. We become reminded of how this world is not about us, and our comfort and happiness are minuscule matters in the scheme of things.
2. Peace is a matter of gratitude
When we choose to be thankful for all that God has already done and all that He is constantly doing for us, it is a consistent reminder that He is good and faithful. It starts with big things and then you will begin to feel a small amount of peace trickle in: God, thank you for the ones I love. Thank you for a job that provides. Thank you for a home as shelter.
The more you practice thankfulness, you start noticing smaller, more detailed things, but you feel it all in a bigger way: God, thank you that the sunrise this morning was perfectly timed so I could see it out my window as I got ready. The colors were really beautiful. God, thank you for that smile that my child gave me today. I could tell in that moment that he was feeling nothing but pure joy. God, thank you that my friend sent me that text that showed she was thinking of me. I needed that so badly.
Practicing gratitude opens our eyes to how constantly God is loving and caring for us. Peace floods in at this realization.
Shirer gives this equation: Trust fuels thanksgiving. Thanksgiving activates peace. I love this because it helps me remember that peace is already inside me, I just need to press the start button by giving thanks.
3. Peace is a matter of motion
We cannot hide from anxiety. We cannot run away from discontentment. These are temporary, ineffective ways of dealing with major heart issues. We must keep our feet moving in a forward direction to experience a lasting solution. We have to take that next step, fighting off the emotions that wish to strangle us in place.
When King David was fleeing from his son, Absalom, who was trying to usurp his throne, he wrote Psalms 3:3-5: "O Lord, look how my enemies have increased! Many are attacking me. Many are saying about me, 'Even with God (on his side), he won't be victorious'. But you, O Lord, are a shield that surrounds me. You are my glory. You hold my head high. I call aloud to the Lord, and he answers me from his holy mountain. I lie down and sleep. I wake up again because the Lord continues to support me."
David's safety and identity are both being threatened as he writes; you can feel his emotions trying to overtake him. In one of the best sermons I've ever heard on anxiety, Timothy Keller points out that the shield described in this verse was a specific type of shield that covered the front and top portion of a soldier. It was extremely effective in protecting those who moved forward in battle. However, if that soldier turned and ran, he was completely vulnerable to attack because his back was exposed. This is such a stellar illustration of how God's protection works best for us when we continue in motion. When we retreat and give up territory, our problems with anxiety and discontentment do not go away. They actually gain the territory in our lives that we have relinquished. We have not won when we run; we have only delayed our defeat for awhile.
When I mentioned above about our financial issue, it sounds like I handled it so maturely. Please understand, it sounds so simplified in a blog like this. That night, my mind still tried to jump to those worst case scenarios. My stomach still tightened with anxiety. My heart still started racing.
I still struggled.
But I immediately chose to see the attack on my peace as a gift in disguise. It took a few days for my mind, stomach, and heart to catch up with that decision. But they did catch up. Days later, I was walking in full confidence, knowing that the financial situation would be solved, one way or another. I didn't think this because I had any reasonable evidence for it. Rather, I believed it because I had chosen to fix my eyes on God instead of my situation. I worshiped Him and thanked Him for the response to my prayers before I saw it. I was not paralyzed in fear, but moved forward in the situation through prayer and fasting. The peace that was in the deep well within me expanded and overflowed into the circumstances around me. And?
And the situation resolved. Completely, and then some.
Having the power to choose where we fix our eyes is a powerful gift that God gives us. He could control our minds into peace if He so desired.
However, authentic relationship with us matters too much to Him. He wants us to trust Him because He's sovereign and loves us. He wants us to thank Him because He is good and takes care of us. He wants us to have His peace, that's why He gave it to us.
We just need to activate it.
Friday, July 15, 2016
Be Still and Start Moving
It has been a tough summer for me. God has been chiseling away at any place in my life where I have sought a safe place, other than Him. Relationships. Health. Ministry. Food. Finances. Relationships (again and again and again).
At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.
And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning, and waiting.
I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.
Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.
It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.
"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"
There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.
1. Following my own instincts
We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."
I let him lead, because he insisted upon it. But I knew the way to our destination; if he got too far off track, I could always take control and redirect. So we meandered a bit, but still reached home. If I had led the way home, we would have gotten there quicker. But 5 year old boys really like to lead the way.
Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.
We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.
Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.
But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.
2. Follow the Leader
I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.
Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.
One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.
One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.
Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).
Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?
Both.
The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.
The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom. "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).
As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.
But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.
The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.
But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.
"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16
At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.
And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning, and waiting.
I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.
Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.
It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.
"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"
There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.
1. Following my own instincts
We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."
Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.
We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.
Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.
But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.
2. Follow the Leader
I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.
Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.
One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.
One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.
Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).
Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?
Both.
The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.
The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom. "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).
As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.
But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.
The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.
But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.
"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16
Saturday, March 19, 2016
Martha, Martha
Growing up, whenever I was about to get in trouble, my mom would always begin with, "Say, I've got a question..." Upon hearing those words, I would brace myself that she had discovered some dastardly deed of mine and a grounding was imminent.
"Say I've got a question...do you know what happened to the basement window?"
"Say I've got a question...where did all the Nutter Butters go?"
"Say I've got a question...why are there still dirty dishes in the sink?"
I would brace myself for the words that would follow. To this day, she'll say those words and I will tense up for whatever she's about to speak.
When I live constantly bracing myself for potential problems, I am in a near constant state of tension which also means a lack of rest, a lack of peace, a lack of stillness. I am missing out on the full benefits that are promised to me as a child of God. I am missing out on the joy and freedom and peace that are mine, because I am His.
Whenever anxiety is swirling around in my mind and my thoughts are jumping all over the place to things that are not going well or situations where trouble may arise, this Bible story pops into my head:
Sometimes all I need to hear internally in my flurry of activity is "Martha, Martha," and instantly I picture the difference between Martha and Mary. Martha, trying to do good, important work but with a wrong focus. Mary, a picture of stillness and peace at the feet of Jesus. The contrast is stark. Both are women that Jesus loves very much, but only one has her eyes set on him above all else. Only one is experiencing the rest of His presence.
Period.
Unknowns will remain...always. There will always be chaos, or potential chaos, at every corner of life. There will rarely NOT be a reason to be worried.
The only way to live in a state of rest is to continue to throw my trust on Him, however many times a day it takes.
In my experience, the areas of my life where I am feeling anxious are the areas of my life that I am not fully surrendering to God. They are areas that, for whatever reason, are hard to give up.
At various times, those areas have included finances, my love life, my children's health, my relationships with friends or family members; the list goes on and on.
I can live in stillness and rest only where I am ready to embrace...whatever.
So here is what I am working on:
Instead of bracing myself for the worst, I am embracing whatever God brings.
The rest that flows from that place of surrender is complete and immediate. It's trusting God not only in my heart and mind, but with my actions. It's prying my fingers off any areas of concern, and resting in the TRUTH that He is in control and He loves me.
He is in control. And He loves me.
Both beliefs are essential in order for my mind to be at rest.
"Say I've got a question...do you know what happened to the basement window?"
"Say I've got a question...where did all the Nutter Butters go?"
"Say I've got a question...why are there still dirty dishes in the sink?"
I would brace myself for the words that would follow. To this day, she'll say those words and I will tense up for whatever she's about to speak.
Being a person prone to anxious feelings, I have spent a good portion of my life bracing myself for bad news and expecting worst case scenarios to play out. I want to be ready for anything, but in preparing myself for the worst, there is much that I miss out on.
When I live constantly bracing myself for potential problems, I am in a near constant state of tension which also means a lack of rest, a lack of peace, a lack of stillness. I am missing out on the full benefits that are promised to me as a child of God. I am missing out on the joy and freedom and peace that are mine, because I am His.
Whenever anxiety is swirling around in my mind and my thoughts are jumping all over the place to things that are not going well or situations where trouble may arise, this Bible story pops into my head:
"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'
'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'" (Luke 10:38-42, NIV).
Sometimes all I need to hear internally in my flurry of activity is "Martha, Martha," and instantly I picture the difference between Martha and Mary. Martha, trying to do good, important work but with a wrong focus. Mary, a picture of stillness and peace at the feet of Jesus. The contrast is stark. Both are women that Jesus loves very much, but only one has her eyes set on him above all else. Only one is experiencing the rest of His presence.
"The Lord's people must trust Him to sustain and provide for their needs...resting is trusting in action." - Lauren Chandler
I read this quote a couple of weeks ago and it was a direct hit to my heart. If I trust God, and I do, then whatever He brings into my life and allows for me is what is best.
Period.
Unknowns will remain...always. There will always be chaos, or potential chaos, at every corner of life. There will rarely NOT be a reason to be worried.
The only way to live in a state of rest is to continue to throw my trust on Him, however many times a day it takes.
In my experience, the areas of my life where I am feeling anxious are the areas of my life that I am not fully surrendering to God. They are areas that, for whatever reason, are hard to give up.
"What you fear the most reveals where you trust God the least" - Craig Groeschel
At various times, those areas have included finances, my love life, my children's health, my relationships with friends or family members; the list goes on and on.
I can live in stillness and rest only where I am ready to embrace...whatever.
So here is what I am working on:
Instead of bracing myself for the worst, I am embracing whatever God brings.
The rest that flows from that place of surrender is complete and immediate. It's trusting God not only in my heart and mind, but with my actions. It's prying my fingers off any areas of concern, and resting in the TRUTH that He is in control and He loves me.
He is in control. And He loves me.
Both beliefs are essential in order for my mind to be at rest.
"God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows." - Timothy Keller
Stop bracing for the worst. Start embracing God's best.
Because with God, it's always His best. Truly.
The more I know Him, the more I experience His goodness and mercy to me, and the more I realize how absolutely worthy He is of being trusted.
Because with God, it's always His best. Truly.
The more I know Him, the more I experience His goodness and mercy to me, and the more I realize how absolutely worthy He is of being trusted.
"I don't know where I'm going, more and more each day; it's becoming more alright with me. Because when I know where I'm going my eyes keep me from trusting Thee" - Jason Upton
Friday, May 29, 2015
"Help"
I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.
There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.
With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.
Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.
This one has proven a bit different.
We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.
A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.
One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.
When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.
Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.
Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".
I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.
Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.
When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.
Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!
We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.
Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.
There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.
With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.
Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.
This one has proven a bit different.
We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.
A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.
One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.
When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.
Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.
Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".
I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.
Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.
When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.
Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!
We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.
Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Deeper Waters
It's no secret to most who have read my blog before or know me in person that I like to play it safe. I've written about it on numerous occasions - I like the consistency and comfort of doing things the way they "should" be done. I color inside the lines, obey the rules, and sing the song the way it was written.
I looooove organization and everything in it's proper place. It's why I still enjoy playing Tetris (sorting?? Yes please!). It's why I beg Matt to let me alphabetize his music at church. It's why, when my sister gave me several pairs of funky, purposefully non-matching socks as a gift and declared, "You can mix and match how you want!", I paired them with their best possible match and have stuck to those pairings like glue.
I think, up until now, that God has been good with this facet of my personality. And I'm almost positive that He has used it to protect me from numerous situations. After all, those who play it safe and use discretion are often operating in wisdom.
But lately, He has been revealing to me how much more there is. There are deeper waters, where feet can't touch the bottom and one must use trust as a flotation device to stay above the water.
A couple of months ago, Matt had the opportunity to sing in the wedding of a couple of our young adults. I had gone back and forth about whether or not the boys and I should go. Originally, I was going to go, but the closer the wedding crept, the more hesitant I became. After all, wouldn't it be hard to go camping with the boys? Especially if Matt was playing through the whole ceremony and I would have them by myself? At a wedding? Where I had to keep them quiet? Or risk humiliation? Wouldn't my boys lose out on sleep and be cranky? And like, cry and stuff?
These were my thoughts. I went back and forth in my head and ruminated for weeks about whether or not to go. When the time came to finally make a decision, I played it safe. We weren't going to go, because the boys are so much easier to manage on our home turf. We could have our routine, and our comforts, and our pretty little scheduled nap times. We would just have to do without daddy and the joy of seeing two of my favorites get married.
However, through a series of fortunate conversations, I changed my mind. I kicked my butt and my thoughts into action and I started envisioning the fun and the adventure versus the possible stressors and mishaps.
I look back on that trip now and I cannot believe I almost chose to miss it because it might feel a little hard or unsafe. That trip was a fabulous blast. It was a fablast!!
There have been a couple of our young adult women that have truly inspired me by their boldness and unabashed desire for God. I want to live like that. Not timidly shirking scary situations, but embracing God's plan in them.
The other day, Finn was looking at a children's book that had an illustration of a mermaid whose illustrator had forgotten to draw a bikini top for her (a kid's book…are you kidding me? Take a moment and draw a top on the nude lady, illustrator!!!) When I saw it, I took a permanent marker and nonchalantly colored a top for her myself. Finn wasn't very happy with me.
I allowed him to cry and vent at me for awhile, but then I invited him to sit in my lap. Once he had calmed down, I told him, "Finny, it is mommy's job to protect you and keep you safe". Although he initially furrowed his brow and stated, "I don't need 'tection", eventually he accepted what I had done and we hugged it out.
Likewise, I need to walk more often in the truth that it is not my job to protect myself or keep myself safe.
I don't need to stay on the beach or even close to shore just in case a storm comes in. Rather, I need to allow myself to be drawn out where my faith can be strengthened amidst the waves. It is vital to learn to trust in God's protection and care of me. I know this. I know this. I know this.
I think, up until now, that God has been good with this facet of my personality. And I'm almost positive that He has used it to protect me from numerous situations. After all, those who play it safe and use discretion are often operating in wisdom.
But lately, He has been revealing to me how much more there is. There are deeper waters, where feet can't touch the bottom and one must use trust as a flotation device to stay above the water.
A couple of months ago, Matt had the opportunity to sing in the wedding of a couple of our young adults. I had gone back and forth about whether or not the boys and I should go. Originally, I was going to go, but the closer the wedding crept, the more hesitant I became. After all, wouldn't it be hard to go camping with the boys? Especially if Matt was playing through the whole ceremony and I would have them by myself? At a wedding? Where I had to keep them quiet? Or risk humiliation? Wouldn't my boys lose out on sleep and be cranky? And like, cry and stuff?
These were my thoughts. I went back and forth in my head and ruminated for weeks about whether or not to go. When the time came to finally make a decision, I played it safe. We weren't going to go, because the boys are so much easier to manage on our home turf. We could have our routine, and our comforts, and our pretty little scheduled nap times. We would just have to do without daddy and the joy of seeing two of my favorites get married.
However, through a series of fortunate conversations, I changed my mind. I kicked my butt and my thoughts into action and I started envisioning the fun and the adventure versus the possible stressors and mishaps.
I look back on that trip now and I cannot believe I almost chose to miss it because it might feel a little hard or unsafe. That trip was a fabulous blast. It was a fablast!!
There have been a couple of our young adult women that have truly inspired me by their boldness and unabashed desire for God. I want to live like that. Not timidly shirking scary situations, but embracing God's plan in them.
The other day, Finn was looking at a children's book that had an illustration of a mermaid whose illustrator had forgotten to draw a bikini top for her (a kid's book…are you kidding me? Take a moment and draw a top on the nude lady, illustrator!!!) When I saw it, I took a permanent marker and nonchalantly colored a top for her myself. Finn wasn't very happy with me.
I allowed him to cry and vent at me for awhile, but then I invited him to sit in my lap. Once he had calmed down, I told him, "Finny, it is mommy's job to protect you and keep you safe". Although he initially furrowed his brow and stated, "I don't need 'tection", eventually he accepted what I had done and we hugged it out.
Likewise, I need to walk more often in the truth that it is not my job to protect myself or keep myself safe.
I don't need to stay on the beach or even close to shore just in case a storm comes in. Rather, I need to allow myself to be drawn out where my faith can be strengthened amidst the waves. It is vital to learn to trust in God's protection and care of me. I know this. I know this. I know this.
I'm stepping out into deeper water here, folks. But the craziest thing is that, the further I walk, the more secure I feel. The deeper the waters, the deeper the peace.
There is freedom waiting to be gained when we can trust God more than our safe places. He is the ultimate safe place.
After all, it's His job to 'tect us…
especially in the most adverse of conditions.
"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind" - 1 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
"You can only be marked as safe if you've fashioned for yourself a God small and tame. And what the world desperately needs is more dangerous disciples of an unsafe God" - Ann Voskamp
There is freedom waiting to be gained when we can trust God more than our safe places. He is the ultimate safe place.
After all, it's His job to 'tect us…
especially in the most adverse of conditions.
"The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind" - 1 Timothy 1:7 NKJV
"You can only be marked as safe if you've fashioned for yourself a God small and tame. And what the world desperately needs is more dangerous disciples of an unsafe God" - Ann Voskamp
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Safety in Darkness
Jonas' new favorite thing to do is to climb up onto his big brother's toddler bed. Maybe it is because it has a cool red blanket strewn on top of it in order to create a fort-like atmosphere. Maybe it is because Finn's bed is more fun to bounce upon. Maybe it is because he has been told over and over again NOT to do it. Judging from his mischievous smile when he gets caught, I think it may be the latter.
Last night, I followed him into the room and shadowed him as he climbed up on the bed for like, the 15th time that day. Since I am battling a nasty sore throat and fever, I just did not have the energy to lift him off again. So I joined him. I laid down in the bed with him, and if he got too close to the edge, I mustered the power to steady him.
It wasn't too long before Finn joined us. To a three year old, a situation like this screams, "PARTY IN MY BED!!!!!" Finn laughingly turned on the noise machine and turned off the light, delighting in the fact that we were having a 'sleeping party'.
Unsurprisingly, Jonas was not a fan of this new twist. The lights had been shut off for him and the fun had stopped. I could feel him in the dark grappling to find his balance because he could know longer see where he was. I felt him, ever so slowly, sidle over to me. He touched my face and my arms to make sure it was me, and then he clung to me. I spoke to him as he searched and told him he was okay.
I enjoyed every second of the snuggles, however brief they were. Because 5 seconds later, Finn bounded to the light switch again and turned the lights back on. Just like that, Jonas started scooting further away from me again. He felt safe with the light back on and so he went back to doing whatever he wanted.
Until once again, Finn hysterically shuts the light off and we are basked in darkness. Then the searching and grasping for my arm and face resumed.
This hilarity ensued for a good five minutes before mommy regained the strength to put an end to the madness.
In the light, Jonas giggled and played and made daring attempts to fly past me off of the bed. In the darkness, Jonas cuddled and clung closely to whatever part of me he could find.
And I'm laying there thinking, isn't that what we too often do with God?
When the light is on and we can see where we're going, when things are rosy and sunshiny and going our way, we edge away from Him by pursuing our own desires or whatever is making us happy and fulfilling our needs in that moment.
But when the lights go out on us, what then? We suddenly feel alone and afraid. We struggle through the darkness to find any piece of Him that we can. When we find Him, we hold on tight to His love, and strength, and peace. We know we are safe with Him in the dark.
But oh….to know that it is safe with Him in the light as well. To know that the best place to be on the brightest days of our lives is STILL right by His side, clinging to His hand.
When we remain by His side, we do not need to be afraid that the light around us might suddenly go dark.
When we remain by His side, we don't waste time trying to struggle in the darkness by ourselves.
When we remain by His side, we get to experience the brightest highs and the darkest lows with the One who loves us stronger and knows us better than we could ever imagine.
There's no safer place than that.
"For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God." Isaiah 50:10 (MSG)
"'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:1-5 (NASB)
"There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven!" Philippians 3: 18-20 (MSG)
Last night, I followed him into the room and shadowed him as he climbed up on the bed for like, the 15th time that day. Since I am battling a nasty sore throat and fever, I just did not have the energy to lift him off again. So I joined him. I laid down in the bed with him, and if he got too close to the edge, I mustered the power to steady him.
It wasn't too long before Finn joined us. To a three year old, a situation like this screams, "PARTY IN MY BED!!!!!" Finn laughingly turned on the noise machine and turned off the light, delighting in the fact that we were having a 'sleeping party'.
Unsurprisingly, Jonas was not a fan of this new twist. The lights had been shut off for him and the fun had stopped. I could feel him in the dark grappling to find his balance because he could know longer see where he was. I felt him, ever so slowly, sidle over to me. He touched my face and my arms to make sure it was me, and then he clung to me. I spoke to him as he searched and told him he was okay.
I enjoyed every second of the snuggles, however brief they were. Because 5 seconds later, Finn bounded to the light switch again and turned the lights back on. Just like that, Jonas started scooting further away from me again. He felt safe with the light back on and so he went back to doing whatever he wanted.
Until once again, Finn hysterically shuts the light off and we are basked in darkness. Then the searching and grasping for my arm and face resumed.
This hilarity ensued for a good five minutes before mommy regained the strength to put an end to the madness.
In the light, Jonas giggled and played and made daring attempts to fly past me off of the bed. In the darkness, Jonas cuddled and clung closely to whatever part of me he could find.
And I'm laying there thinking, isn't that what we too often do with God?
When the light is on and we can see where we're going, when things are rosy and sunshiny and going our way, we edge away from Him by pursuing our own desires or whatever is making us happy and fulfilling our needs in that moment.
But when the lights go out on us, what then? We suddenly feel alone and afraid. We struggle through the darkness to find any piece of Him that we can. When we find Him, we hold on tight to His love, and strength, and peace. We know we are safe with Him in the dark.
But oh….to know that it is safe with Him in the light as well. To know that the best place to be on the brightest days of our lives is STILL right by His side, clinging to His hand.
When we remain by His side, we do not need to be afraid that the light around us might suddenly go dark.
When we remain by His side, we don't waste time trying to struggle in the darkness by ourselves.
When we remain by His side, we get to experience the brightest highs and the darkest lows with the One who loves us stronger and knows us better than we could ever imagine.
There's no safer place than that.
"For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God." Isaiah 50:10 (MSG)
"'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:1-5 (NASB)
"There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven!" Philippians 3: 18-20 (MSG)
Saturday, May 24, 2014
My Secret Identity
Before I was ever even conceived, my mom prayed for me. She prayed for one more daughter, one who would look cute in braids and whom she could name Gretchen. Gretchen was a name laid on my mom's heart before I ever existed.
In the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, a person's given name was their identity. A name was bestowed with thoughtfulness and heritage. When a child was named, it was sometimes a descriptor of the child at birth but most often a prophecy about what the child would become.
Genesis 25 tells of the naming of Esau and Jacob. Esau, so named because he was "red and hairy" at birth. Jacob, so named because he came out "grasping" at his brother's heel.
Ruth 1 describes the agony of Naomi, who after great tragedy purposefully changed her name from Naomi ("pleasant") to Mara ("bitter").
1 Samuel 1 tells how Hannah, after praying for a child for years, named her sweet child Samuel ("heard of God").
There are dozens of other examples.
Names give identity.
During the formative years of my life, I found my identity by being a part of a big, church-going family. We were the Swansons, ya'll! We were always at church, or at least that's what it felt like.
In the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, a person's given name was their identity. A name was bestowed with thoughtfulness and heritage. When a child was named, it was sometimes a descriptor of the child at birth but most often a prophecy about what the child would become.
Genesis 25 tells of the naming of Esau and Jacob. Esau, so named because he was "red and hairy" at birth. Jacob, so named because he came out "grasping" at his brother's heel.
Ruth 1 describes the agony of Naomi, who after great tragedy purposefully changed her name from Naomi ("pleasant") to Mara ("bitter").
1 Samuel 1 tells how Hannah, after praying for a child for years, named her sweet child Samuel ("heard of God").
There are dozens of other examples.
Names give identity.
During the formative years of my life, I found my identity by being a part of a big, church-going family. We were the Swansons, ya'll! We were always at church, or at least that's what it felt like.
Mom played the piano and Dad played the organ and we all sang.
I was the youngest, so I was endeared as the baby of the family. I was Little Sister and Youngest Daughter and I belonged. My mom had prayed to God specifically for me and I knew I was wanted and cherished.
And then, to some extent, my family fell apart.
My parents divorced. We moved houses again. We changed churches. Mom started working longer hours so that we had food in the pantry. Mom got remarried. My brother passed away. My other siblings moved away.
We were no longer infallible. We were destructible.
Largely because of that, my identity suffered. The who I had been vanished. With the changes in my world, I found unhealthy ways to deal with my emotions and I uncovered parts of myself that I did not like so very much. I had attitude for days and rolling my eyes was my signature move. I snapped at people a lot when I felt out of control. I was angry.
Seemingly suddenly, I was identifying only with the negative parts of myself: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I no longer felt like the beloved, cherished, desired daughter and sister.
I lived under the shadow of those words: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I believed them about myself, because they felt true. I aligned myself with those words, and because of that I felt stifling shame.
Until…
God began teaching me about my name. I've blogged about it before, so I don't need to rehash. Long story short,
Gretchen means pearl.
Pearls don't start out as much, just a simple grain of sand in a shell. Through irritation, a pearl is formed.
I may have began as a grain of sand, but through irritation, God could turn me into a pearl.
Something beautiful, something beloved.
Suddenly, I could identify with something positive about myself.
However, lately I have been struggling with feelings of insecurity that I thought had long ago been faced and dealt with. For the past few months, just when I think I've found a firm footing when it comes to how I feel about myself, the terrain shifts again and I'm flailing.
I was praying about my frustration and asking God what in the world was going on with me. Where did my confidence go? Where did my confidence IN HIM go?
And ever so gently, one question came to my mind:
"In what are you finding your identity?"
So I did some digging.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my family - Mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my life's calling - Counselor. Pastor's Wife. Worshiper.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my personality traits - Sensitive. Dramatic. Sarcastic.
As honorable and true as those things are, when they are the only ways I identify myself, I am basically begging to feel insecure.
Because each of those things are insecure. They are fallible and shakeable.
For instance…
It is true that I will always be a sister, but the picture of what that means changes far too often for me to define myself by it.
It is true that I will always be a worshiper, but if I lose my voice tomorrow it would change the way that I worship and my identity could suffer.
It is true that I will always be sensitive, but I've seen enough episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" to know that even that can be affected by a tiny tumor on the brain.
The hard truth is that even though we think we are defining ourselves with honorable, amazing, God-given things, when we find our whole identity through our relationships, or callings, or personality traits, we are aligning ourselves with things that are inconsistent or shakeable.
Like when I was a child and felt my identity completely wrapped within my family.
Families and life callings and personality traits fail us.
God cannot. Christ cannot.
When we find our identity in Him, we find an identity that cannot be shaken by circumstances.
Take a second and really think about that. We have an eternal security!!!!
This is exciting stuff here, folks.
When our identity is wrapped in God, we know that we are His. We belong.
When we know that we are His, we know that we are:
- His children (1 John 3:1, Hebrews 12:7, Galatians 3:26, Ephesians 5:1, Ephesians 1:4-5)
- Called (1 Peter 5:10, 1 Corinthians 7:17)
- Never alone or abandoned (Hebrews 13:5)
- Holy (Hebrews 10:10, Colossians 1:22)
- Saved (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10, Romans 10:9)
- Called to peace (Colossians 3:15)
- Provided for (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 9:8)
- A work in progress (Philippians 2:12-13, Philippians 3:12-14)
- Light (Ephesians 3:8)
- Family (Ephesians 2:19)
- Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7-8)
- Free (Galatians 5:1, 2 Corinthians 3:17)
- Heirs (Galatians 4:6-7)
- A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- Comforted (2 Corinthians 1:1-5)
- Loved ones (Hosea 2:23)
- More than conquerors (Romans 8:37)
- Known (Romans 8:26-27, Psalm 139)
And there is more…so much more!!
Find security in Him and watch all insecurity fall away.
"Lord, thank you.
I am not the mistakes I have made.
I am not the plans I have failed.
I am not the wrongs I have done.
I am not forgotten.
I am not abandoned.
I am not alone.
Because you say to the lost: come.
You say to the unlikely: beloved.
You say to the battle weary: rest.
In a hard and beautiful world, Your grade is the only pillowed relief for my tired soul.
To rest in Your making all things new."
- Ann Voskamp
I was the youngest, so I was endeared as the baby of the family. I was Little Sister and Youngest Daughter and I belonged. My mom had prayed to God specifically for me and I knew I was wanted and cherished.
And then, to some extent, my family fell apart.
My parents divorced. We moved houses again. We changed churches. Mom started working longer hours so that we had food in the pantry. Mom got remarried. My brother passed away. My other siblings moved away.
We were no longer infallible. We were destructible.
Largely because of that, my identity suffered. The who I had been vanished. With the changes in my world, I found unhealthy ways to deal with my emotions and I uncovered parts of myself that I did not like so very much. I had attitude for days and rolling my eyes was my signature move. I snapped at people a lot when I felt out of control. I was angry.
Seemingly suddenly, I was identifying only with the negative parts of myself: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I no longer felt like the beloved, cherished, desired daughter and sister.
I lived under the shadow of those words: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I believed them about myself, because they felt true. I aligned myself with those words, and because of that I felt stifling shame.
Until…
God began teaching me about my name. I've blogged about it before, so I don't need to rehash. Long story short,
Gretchen means pearl.
Pearls don't start out as much, just a simple grain of sand in a shell. Through irritation, a pearl is formed.
I may have began as a grain of sand, but through irritation, God could turn me into a pearl.
Something beautiful, something beloved.
Suddenly, I could identify with something positive about myself.
However, lately I have been struggling with feelings of insecurity that I thought had long ago been faced and dealt with. For the past few months, just when I think I've found a firm footing when it comes to how I feel about myself, the terrain shifts again and I'm flailing.
I was praying about my frustration and asking God what in the world was going on with me. Where did my confidence go? Where did my confidence IN HIM go?
And ever so gently, one question came to my mind:
"In what are you finding your identity?"
So I did some digging.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my family - Mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my life's calling - Counselor. Pastor's Wife. Worshiper.
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my personality traits - Sensitive. Dramatic. Sarcastic.
As honorable and true as those things are, when they are the only ways I identify myself, I am basically begging to feel insecure.
Because each of those things are insecure. They are fallible and shakeable.
For instance…
It is true that I will always be a sister, but the picture of what that means changes far too often for me to define myself by it.
It is true that I will always be a worshiper, but if I lose my voice tomorrow it would change the way that I worship and my identity could suffer.
It is true that I will always be sensitive, but I've seen enough episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" to know that even that can be affected by a tiny tumor on the brain.
The hard truth is that even though we think we are defining ourselves with honorable, amazing, God-given things, when we find our whole identity through our relationships, or callings, or personality traits, we are aligning ourselves with things that are inconsistent or shakeable.
Like when I was a child and felt my identity completely wrapped within my family.
Families and life callings and personality traits fail us.
God cannot. Christ cannot.
When we find our identity in Him, we find an identity that cannot be shaken by circumstances.
Take a second and really think about that. We have an eternal security!!!!
This is exciting stuff here, folks.
When our identity is wrapped in God, we know that we are His. We belong.
When we know that we are His, we know that we are:
- His children (1 John 3:1, Hebrews 12:7, Galatians 3:26, Ephesians 5:1, Ephesians 1:4-5)
- Called (1 Peter 5:10, 1 Corinthians 7:17)
- Never alone or abandoned (Hebrews 13:5)
- Holy (Hebrews 10:10, Colossians 1:22)
- Saved (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10, Romans 10:9)
- Called to peace (Colossians 3:15)
- Provided for (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 9:8)
- A work in progress (Philippians 2:12-13, Philippians 3:12-14)
- Light (Ephesians 3:8)
- Family (Ephesians 2:19)
- Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7-8)
- Free (Galatians 5:1, 2 Corinthians 3:17)
- Heirs (Galatians 4:6-7)
- A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- Comforted (2 Corinthians 1:1-5)
- Loved ones (Hosea 2:23)
- More than conquerors (Romans 8:37)
- Known (Romans 8:26-27, Psalm 139)
And there is more…so much more!!
Find security in Him and watch all insecurity fall away.
"Lord, thank you.
I am not the mistakes I have made.
I am not the plans I have failed.
I am not the wrongs I have done.
I am not forgotten.
I am not abandoned.
I am not alone.
Because you say to the lost: come.
You say to the unlikely: beloved.
You say to the battle weary: rest.
In a hard and beautiful world, Your grade is the only pillowed relief for my tired soul.
To rest in Your making all things new."
- Ann Voskamp
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block
The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.
Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.
Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.
It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.
Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.
It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.
Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!
When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".
I lied.
Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.
I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!
But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.
Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?
I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.
However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.
I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.
My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.
Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.
Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.
We ask, "God…why?"
Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.
But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.
Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.
The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.
Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.
Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"
There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.
No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.
So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.
Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.
I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.
I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.
I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.
I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.
Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)
Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.
Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.
It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.
Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.
It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.
Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!
When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".
Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.
I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!
But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.
Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?
I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.
However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.
I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.
My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.
Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.
Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.
We ask, "God…why?"
Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.
But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.
Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.
The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.
Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.
Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"
There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.
No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.
So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.
Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.
I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.
I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.
I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.
I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.
Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Inconvenient Interruptions
Oh my little bloggy blog, how I have missed you!
Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)
However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.
I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.
But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.
Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.
I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.
I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.
I begin to angry clean my kitchen.
"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"
My emotions were running away like a freight train.
Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.
Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.
I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"
My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.
A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.
Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?
30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.
It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.
I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.
It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.
Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.
God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.
God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.
Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.
When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.
Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)
However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.
I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.
But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.
Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.
I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.
I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.
I begin to angry clean my kitchen.
"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"
My emotions were running away like a freight train.
Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.
Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.
I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"
My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.
A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.
Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?
30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.
It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.
I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.
It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.
Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.
God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.
God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.
Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.
When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
The Next Chapter
I was vacuuming the other day and as I pushed back and forth, Finn ran maniacally from room to room. He was certain that no matter where he ran, the vacuum was coming for him.
It was pretty stinkin' cute.
However, the longer I vacuumed, the closer he would allow it to get to him. His fear of it slowly ebbed away as he realized that it was not, in fact, eating him.
By the time I was finishing up, Finn was coming close enough to play with the cord and even danced with it.
The closer he got to that which was making him afraid, the smaller his fear became. Had he continued to run from the vacuum, he never would have realized that the vacuum was no cause for fear.
In fact, vacuums are kind of fun! Which he did realize, once I shut it off and was rolling it in the closet: he hopped on and wanted a ride!
Funny boy :).
I have been reminding myself of that today, as the monstrosity of internship looms closer and I feel the beginning butterflies of fear.
Fear of the unknown, fear of not being with Finn all day 5 days a week, fear of failure.
But I move forward.......moving towards my fear. I know that if I should choose to run from it, I would never conquer it and it would in turn conquer me. If I ran from it, I would never realize that there is nothing to fear.
Rather, I move forward, despite the fear, believing there are beautiful things ahead.
"My son, when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know. Do you believe that? To the degree you believe that, you're going to have peace. And if you don't believe it, you don't have peace." Timothy Keller
It was pretty stinkin' cute.
However, the longer I vacuumed, the closer he would allow it to get to him. His fear of it slowly ebbed away as he realized that it was not, in fact, eating him.
By the time I was finishing up, Finn was coming close enough to play with the cord and even danced with it.
The closer he got to that which was making him afraid, the smaller his fear became. Had he continued to run from the vacuum, he never would have realized that the vacuum was no cause for fear.
In fact, vacuums are kind of fun! Which he did realize, once I shut it off and was rolling it in the closet: he hopped on and wanted a ride!
Funny boy :).
I have been reminding myself of that today, as the monstrosity of internship looms closer and I feel the beginning butterflies of fear.
Fear of the unknown, fear of not being with Finn all day 5 days a week, fear of failure.
But I move forward.......moving towards my fear. I know that if I should choose to run from it, I would never conquer it and it would in turn conquer me. If I ran from it, I would never realize that there is nothing to fear.
Rather, I move forward, despite the fear, believing there are beautiful things ahead.
"My son, when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know. Do you believe that? To the degree you believe that, you're going to have peace. And if you don't believe it, you don't have peace." Timothy Keller
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Busy Blessed
I am not a person who loves to be busy. I like my down time; one could argue that I NEED my down time. I'm a nicer person when I get some down time.
These next few months however, do not allow for a whole lot of down time. I am straight-up-now-tell-me busy.
And don't get me wrong - I am actually having a lot of fun! This fun in the midst of the busy, often frantic feeling verifies that I am in the center of God's will for my life and that I have not misunderstood what He wants for me. Even when things are storming around me, I feel a peace that I am in the right place.
That feels goooooooood.
But I am busier than I have been in awhile. The word bursting comes to mind - my life is bursting with good things.
There are times when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and to wish time away - I just want to graduate already!!!!
But then God slaps me in the face with perspective.
I just read a blog entry from a mom whose precious son was taken from her one year ago.
As I read, tears flooded my eyes and I clutched Finn close to me as he sat on my lap watching Yo Gabba Gabba. I cherished the moment that I had with him.
And the simple truth hit me: I am not too busy; I am just really blessed.
I am blessed to get to finish my masters degree.
I am blessed to have the most amazing support system that supports and helps in whatever ways they can.
I am blessed to have a son whom I miss (a lot) when I am not with him.
I am blessed to study, attend class, practice working in a school, support my husband in his ministry by working with our young adults, develop dramas for our church, and have friends to fit in between all the cracks.
There's no bad here.
In the first few lines of the perspective-giving blog I read, the writer states, "A few weeks ago I thought my biggest problem in the world was that I’d gained 10 lbs over the summer. I may have mentioned it to you here a time or three. But as you know, everything has changed:"
My seeming problems are not problems at all; at least, not compared to what others are going through.
I am BLESSED and may I never forget it.
These next few months however, do not allow for a whole lot of down time. I am straight-up-now-tell-me busy.
And don't get me wrong - I am actually having a lot of fun! This fun in the midst of the busy, often frantic feeling verifies that I am in the center of God's will for my life and that I have not misunderstood what He wants for me. Even when things are storming around me, I feel a peace that I am in the right place.
That feels goooooooood.
But I am busier than I have been in awhile. The word bursting comes to mind - my life is bursting with good things.
There are times when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and to wish time away - I just want to graduate already!!!!
But then God slaps me in the face with perspective.
I just read a blog entry from a mom whose precious son was taken from her one year ago.
As I read, tears flooded my eyes and I clutched Finn close to me as he sat on my lap watching Yo Gabba Gabba. I cherished the moment that I had with him.
And the simple truth hit me: I am not too busy; I am just really blessed.
I am blessed to get to finish my masters degree.
I am blessed to have the most amazing support system that supports and helps in whatever ways they can.
I am blessed to have a son whom I miss (a lot) when I am not with him.
I am blessed to study, attend class, practice working in a school, support my husband in his ministry by working with our young adults, develop dramas for our church, and have friends to fit in between all the cracks.
There's no bad here.
In the first few lines of the perspective-giving blog I read, the writer states, "A few weeks ago I thought my biggest problem in the world was that I’d gained 10 lbs over the summer. I may have mentioned it to you here a time or three. But as you know, everything has changed:"
My seeming problems are not problems at all; at least, not compared to what others are going through.
I am BLESSED and may I never forget it.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Ungraceful Teetering
I can't say this with 100% certainty, but I think that everyone has an issue or two (or three, four, five) that they seem to deal with over and over again. Try as we might, there are some inner battles that we continue to wage year after year.
Anger. Depression. Insecurity. Pride. Lust. Jealousy. I could go on.....
One of these struggles for me is anxiety, which I have talked about through this forum many times. Writing about it helps me to keep my wits about me and helps me to focus on what really matters: God, His plan, and His many blessings to me.
I was reading this article earlier today about anxiety and I found myself identifying with the author more than I would have liked. I, too, have dealt with anxiety on and off throughout my life.
I remember when I was 9 years old and we had just moved into a new house after my parent's divorce. For the first time, my bedroom was upstairs, away from the action on the main floor. Kiki's room was right across the hall, but as she is 7 years older than me, we didn't exactly go to bed at the same time. Once I was "put to bed", I remember that I would lie awake and wonder what I would do if our house caught on fire and I was stuck all by myself upstairs, forgotten, with no one to hear me. I pictured myself tying all of my sheets together to fashion a rope to reach the ground. I envisioned trying to jump from my window and receiving broken bones in the process. There were even times when my dramatic mind would get carried away and I wondered if someone in my family might even start the fire and leave me alone. Heavy stuff for a 9 year old.
Another example that remains clear in my memory is from when I was in high school. We had moved again, across town. My mom had since remarried and she and my stepdad, like most couples, had frequent date nights. If they would not be home at the time they said they would, I would sit at the front window and stare down the street hoping to catch a glimpse of their car. This was before the age of cell phones, so I couldn't reach them that way, however I did call a restaurant once or twice wondering if they were still there or if they had left and how long ago? I would picture these terrible car accidents and police cars pulling into our driveway to deliver the bad news. I would work myself into a tizzy, crying genuine tears and tied up in knots not to be undone until I heard the roar of the garage door.
A vivid imagination does not serve an anxious spirit well.
To this day, my mind can get carried away with the "what ifs" of life. There are certain circumstances that I face from time to time that seem to trigger a greater level of anxiety in my heart and mind.
God keeps bringing me back to this verse:
Anger. Depression. Insecurity. Pride. Lust. Jealousy. I could go on.....
One of these struggles for me is anxiety, which I have talked about through this forum many times. Writing about it helps me to keep my wits about me and helps me to focus on what really matters: God, His plan, and His many blessings to me.
I was reading this article earlier today about anxiety and I found myself identifying with the author more than I would have liked. I, too, have dealt with anxiety on and off throughout my life.
I remember when I was 9 years old and we had just moved into a new house after my parent's divorce. For the first time, my bedroom was upstairs, away from the action on the main floor. Kiki's room was right across the hall, but as she is 7 years older than me, we didn't exactly go to bed at the same time. Once I was "put to bed", I remember that I would lie awake and wonder what I would do if our house caught on fire and I was stuck all by myself upstairs, forgotten, with no one to hear me. I pictured myself tying all of my sheets together to fashion a rope to reach the ground. I envisioned trying to jump from my window and receiving broken bones in the process. There were even times when my dramatic mind would get carried away and I wondered if someone in my family might even start the fire and leave me alone. Heavy stuff for a 9 year old.
Another example that remains clear in my memory is from when I was in high school. We had moved again, across town. My mom had since remarried and she and my stepdad, like most couples, had frequent date nights. If they would not be home at the time they said they would, I would sit at the front window and stare down the street hoping to catch a glimpse of their car. This was before the age of cell phones, so I couldn't reach them that way, however I did call a restaurant once or twice wondering if they were still there or if they had left and how long ago? I would picture these terrible car accidents and police cars pulling into our driveway to deliver the bad news. I would work myself into a tizzy, crying genuine tears and tied up in knots not to be undone until I heard the roar of the garage door.
A vivid imagination does not serve an anxious spirit well.
To this day, my mind can get carried away with the "what ifs" of life. There are certain circumstances that I face from time to time that seem to trigger a greater level of anxiety in my heart and mind.
God keeps bringing me back to this verse:
"Don't be afraid. I've redeemed you. I've called your name. You're mine. When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down. When you're between a rock and a hard place, it won't be a dead end - Because I am God, your personal God. The Holy of Israel, your Savior. I paid a huge price for you...That's how much you mean to me! That's how much I love you! I'd sell off the whole world to get you back, trade creation just for you. So don't be afraid: I'm with you."
Isaiah 43:1-5 (MSG)
The reoccurrence of this issue reminds me of the waves in the ocean: a wave comes, then passes. Then another comes...and passes. And so on. There are times that I feel like I may get sucked under the water when I call on the promise of the verse above: "When you're in over your head, I'll be there with you. When you're in rough waters, you will not go down." These words give me the power and strength that I need in order to learn how to face and ride these waves. And the next time a wave comes, I will be even better at riding it. Pro surfer, baby. Riding the waves will become more natural the more that I do it.
In dealing with the waves, I have teetered ungracefully from frustration to sadness to surrender. Though I am tempted to recoil in fear from what ails me, I know that it needs to be faced head on. What I fear needs to be dealt with, otherwise it keeps the power and I am a scared little girl in the corner of the room. But "God is strong, and he wants you strong." Ephesians 6:10 (MSG)
So today, I do not shrink back. "But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way." Hebrews 10:39 (MSG)
Because I am more than a conqueror in Christ: "But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" Romans 8:37 (MSG)
No more recoiling. I am a fighter and I do not go into battle alone. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you'." Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)
Because I am more than a conqueror in Christ: "But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us" Romans 8:37 (MSG)
No more recoiling. I am a fighter and I do not go into battle alone. "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you 'Do not fear; I will help you'." Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Steppin' Out with My Baby
There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanks God
This is the time of year when it is easy to remember to give thanks. Thanksgiving is even - dare I say it - shoved in our faces a bit. It has even exploded into a trendy habit on Facebook - people listing every day what they are grateful for leading up to Thanksgiving.
And it is encouraging to see this trend - being grateful. It certainly beats women reporting the color of their bra in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.
I read a really wonderful book about 5 months ago called "A Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. This book is entirely about giving thanks. For me, it served as an amazing educator on the great blessing of living a life of constant gratitude. Basically, the author was dared by a friend that she wouldn't be able to come up with one thousand things for which she was grateful. Long story short, she came up with one thousand and kept right on going, realizing that the more she gave thanks, the less anxious she felt about the trials in her life and the weaker hold anger and impatience had on her.
Intrigued, I began my own list of of gifts for which I was thankful. I found this to be a way to stay in a constant proper position of awe before God. By paying attention and giving thanks for my crazy amount of blessings, it was nearly impossible to let anxiety or discontent have any room to move in my life. I noticed myself, when I had a bad day, begin to immediately fix my thoughts on the blessings in my life instead of the circumstances of my negative mood. Each and every time, like a precious elixir, the gratitude worked to lift my spirits and renew my peace.
Sometimes, it is true, that giving thanks is not easy. Sometimes, it is far more natural to dwell on all that seems to be going wrong. But giving thanks doesn't have to consist of large and obvious blessings. It can be thanking God for this breath, for a moment when things seem to make sense, for another chance to hold my sweet boy with his head asleep on my shoulder.
Looking back on my own list of gratitude, it is almost like reading a journal of the last few months of my life:
#8 - Summer mornings that are cool enough to walk in
#19 - One last night with my dad before he passed away
#32 - New school supplies
#56 - Standing in church, surrounded by family and we are all singing
#85 - Seeing the sun and moon out at the same time
#100 - Butterflies in my belly
#111 - Flirting with my husband
#121 - A cathartic cry
#145 - Walking through a canopy of trees
#162 - Big sit down style family breakfasts
#180 - Seeing Finn make someone smile
#197 - Missing my husband when he is gone
#236 - A scar that brings back a memory
#268 - The fog settling over the prairie at dusk
#307 - Sitting with the windows open to let cool air fill the house
#383 - When Matt and I are both craving the same meal
#418 - Delivered packages
#447 - Sunny days after a week of clouds
#490 - When Matt apologizes for hurting my feelings instead of rationalizing
#510 - Not getting pulled over when cop is clocking and I am speeding
#543 - Walks around McKennan Park with an old friend
#623 - Finn's face when the wind blows strongly on him
#658 - Laughing with my husband at the end of a long day
#692 - Malt-O-Meal for breakfast
#718 - The way Finn clings to me when I get home from class
#748 - Matt's serious face when he gets up to check out a noise outside
#787 - Bundling up on chilly days
#833 - Matt telling a trick or treater that he is greedy
#860 - First eggnog latte of the season
#885 - Cooking while Finn plays happily with pots and pans in the kitchen
#919 - Freedom of paying off bills
#948 - The way Finn looks in his puffy winter coat
#962 - Big orange harvest moons that sit low in the sky
#975 - Matt offering to fold clothes so that I could take a bath
#991 - Peace coming in that passes all logical reasoning
These moments truly come in abundance when I stop and pay attention. It has been easy to reach 1,000 things I am thankful for. So easy, in fact, that I plan to keep on going and desire to make giving thanks to God the force that drives my life.
Truly I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Life is sweet.
Thanks God.
And it is encouraging to see this trend - being grateful. It certainly beats women reporting the color of their bra in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.
I read a really wonderful book about 5 months ago called "A Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. This book is entirely about giving thanks. For me, it served as an amazing educator on the great blessing of living a life of constant gratitude. Basically, the author was dared by a friend that she wouldn't be able to come up with one thousand things for which she was grateful. Long story short, she came up with one thousand and kept right on going, realizing that the more she gave thanks, the less anxious she felt about the trials in her life and the weaker hold anger and impatience had on her.
Intrigued, I began my own list of of gifts for which I was thankful. I found this to be a way to stay in a constant proper position of awe before God. By paying attention and giving thanks for my crazy amount of blessings, it was nearly impossible to let anxiety or discontent have any room to move in my life. I noticed myself, when I had a bad day, begin to immediately fix my thoughts on the blessings in my life instead of the circumstances of my negative mood. Each and every time, like a precious elixir, the gratitude worked to lift my spirits and renew my peace.
Sometimes, it is true, that giving thanks is not easy. Sometimes, it is far more natural to dwell on all that seems to be going wrong. But giving thanks doesn't have to consist of large and obvious blessings. It can be thanking God for this breath, for a moment when things seem to make sense, for another chance to hold my sweet boy with his head asleep on my shoulder.
Looking back on my own list of gratitude, it is almost like reading a journal of the last few months of my life:
#8 - Summer mornings that are cool enough to walk in
#19 - One last night with my dad before he passed away
#32 - New school supplies
#56 - Standing in church, surrounded by family and we are all singing
#85 - Seeing the sun and moon out at the same time
#100 - Butterflies in my belly
#111 - Flirting with my husband
#121 - A cathartic cry
#145 - Walking through a canopy of trees
#162 - Big sit down style family breakfasts
#180 - Seeing Finn make someone smile
#197 - Missing my husband when he is gone
#236 - A scar that brings back a memory
#268 - The fog settling over the prairie at dusk
#307 - Sitting with the windows open to let cool air fill the house
#383 - When Matt and I are both craving the same meal
#418 - Delivered packages
#447 - Sunny days after a week of clouds
#490 - When Matt apologizes for hurting my feelings instead of rationalizing
#510 - Not getting pulled over when cop is clocking and I am speeding
#543 - Walks around McKennan Park with an old friend
#623 - Finn's face when the wind blows strongly on him
#658 - Laughing with my husband at the end of a long day
#692 - Malt-O-Meal for breakfast
#718 - The way Finn clings to me when I get home from class
#748 - Matt's serious face when he gets up to check out a noise outside
#787 - Bundling up on chilly days
#833 - Matt telling a trick or treater that he is greedy
#860 - First eggnog latte of the season
#885 - Cooking while Finn plays happily with pots and pans in the kitchen
#919 - Freedom of paying off bills
#948 - The way Finn looks in his puffy winter coat
#962 - Big orange harvest moons that sit low in the sky
#975 - Matt offering to fold clothes so that I could take a bath
#991 - Peace coming in that passes all logical reasoning
These moments truly come in abundance when I stop and pay attention. It has been easy to reach 1,000 things I am thankful for. So easy, in fact, that I plan to keep on going and desire to make giving thanks to God the force that drives my life.
Thanks God for this guy:
And this baboose:
And these guys:
And friends that know me inside and out and love me still:
Truly I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Life is sweet.
Thanks God.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
At All Times
Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn, my mind jumps around, I envy those all over the world who are sleeping peacefully. There is usually no consistent reason for this trouble: sometimes I have things on my mind, sometimes I stress myself out, sometimes I just lay restfully and wait for the sleep to come.
Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....
And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"
But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4
YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!
After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.
This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.
So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."
That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.
Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.
May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.
Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....
And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"
But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4
YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!
After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.
This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.
So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."
That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.
Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.
May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Rack, Shack and Benny
I recently got thrown into a bit of a tailspin.
Something that I had come to depend on as a loyal safety net was suddenly pulled from me and I felt a bit as though I was flailing.
As I have discovered in the past, if I focused on the loss or the stir of trouble, I quickly became sick to my stomach with anxiety. But, rejoice! If I focused on God and the belief of His sovereignty, peace remained.
I had to do this more than once, more than 10 times, really. Then I guess I just did it so much that the fear got tired of trying and stayed away!
This morning as I was praying, I found myself thinking about Rack, Shack and Benny.
Rack, Shack and Benny; otherwise known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).
I was thinking of their amazing story, of their total commitment to God: to refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's god and thereby be thrown into (and saved from) the fiery furnace.
And I began putting myself in their shoes.......would I have been able to take that same bold stance for God? Would I have rather been thrown into the furnace than bow before another? Would I have gotten to experience the wonder of not getting burned by the fire?
Tragically, this is what came to my mind: "Well, I could do that if I was in the right frame of mind."
I began to try to decipher why that was my first reaction. After all, what does that mean? To be in the 'right frame of mind'?
It basically all came down to the fact that sometimes I feel close enough to God to risk anything for Him and obey Him no matter what He asks. Other times, our relationship isn't as easy or simple for me to trust.
More than anything, that passing thought gave me good reason to evaluate what it would take to remain in that so-called 'right frame of mind'. I don't have the entirety of my relationship with God figured out in statistics or black and white obviousness, but I do know that I want to consistently remain in the frame of mind that I would rather die than disown or disobey Him. I want to be a Rack, Shack and Benny compadre.
One of the first verses that I remember learning was 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I always gravitated to this verse because fear has always been a struggle of mine and it reminds me that fear is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be "of sound mind".
I remember being a bit disillusioned however, upon reading the NIV: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline." Self-discipline? Can't I have a sound mind instead? Trade-sies?
About a month ago I was thinking about this verse and why it was translated in different versions as "sound mind" and "self-discipline". What is the similarity that exists between them?
Perhaps, just maybe.........sound mind = self-discipline.
Perhaps, just maybe, we often come to be of sound mind through self-discipline - the self-discipline of training our minds to be sound.
This was truly revelatory to me, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.
It is pretty clear that Rack, Shack and Benny would not have been able to choose what they did and see a miracle of God if they had been operating in fear, rather than from a trifecta of soundness. If they had been focusing on the fire or their fear of being burned, they most likely would have acted to appease King Nebuchadnezzar. But they were focused on God and knew that He was bigger than the issue they were facing. This gave them the sound minds they needed to know that whatever happened, they could trust God.
For people like me, a sound mind is not a trait that comes naturally. Rather, it is something that I need to work hard to cultivate in myself because that is what God wants me, as His follower, to have.
The cultivating comes by recognizing fearful and anxious thoughts and replacing them with the word of God; by spending more time thinking about God's character and love than about myself or my situation.
"Truth is never at the mercy of facts. Facts say I feel lonely and afraid. Truth says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'." - Damon Thompson
I'm still learning. And sometimes I have to choose to focus on God 10-plus times before the anxious thoughts get tired and give up.
But there is a sound mind to be had and I'm going to get it.
Something that I had come to depend on as a loyal safety net was suddenly pulled from me and I felt a bit as though I was flailing.
As I have discovered in the past, if I focused on the loss or the stir of trouble, I quickly became sick to my stomach with anxiety. But, rejoice! If I focused on God and the belief of His sovereignty, peace remained.
I had to do this more than once, more than 10 times, really. Then I guess I just did it so much that the fear got tired of trying and stayed away!
This morning as I was praying, I found myself thinking about Rack, Shack and Benny.
Rack, Shack and Benny; otherwise known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).
I was thinking of their amazing story, of their total commitment to God: to refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's god and thereby be thrown into (and saved from) the fiery furnace.
And I began putting myself in their shoes.......would I have been able to take that same bold stance for God? Would I have rather been thrown into the furnace than bow before another? Would I have gotten to experience the wonder of not getting burned by the fire?
Tragically, this is what came to my mind: "Well, I could do that if I was in the right frame of mind."
I began to try to decipher why that was my first reaction. After all, what does that mean? To be in the 'right frame of mind'?
It basically all came down to the fact that sometimes I feel close enough to God to risk anything for Him and obey Him no matter what He asks. Other times, our relationship isn't as easy or simple for me to trust.
More than anything, that passing thought gave me good reason to evaluate what it would take to remain in that so-called 'right frame of mind'. I don't have the entirety of my relationship with God figured out in statistics or black and white obviousness, but I do know that I want to consistently remain in the frame of mind that I would rather die than disown or disobey Him. I want to be a Rack, Shack and Benny compadre.
One of the first verses that I remember learning was 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I always gravitated to this verse because fear has always been a struggle of mine and it reminds me that fear is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be "of sound mind".
I remember being a bit disillusioned however, upon reading the NIV: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline." Self-discipline? Can't I have a sound mind instead? Trade-sies?
About a month ago I was thinking about this verse and why it was translated in different versions as "sound mind" and "self-discipline". What is the similarity that exists between them?
Perhaps, just maybe.........sound mind = self-discipline.
Perhaps, just maybe, we often come to be of sound mind through self-discipline - the self-discipline of training our minds to be sound.
This was truly revelatory to me, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.
It is pretty clear that Rack, Shack and Benny would not have been able to choose what they did and see a miracle of God if they had been operating in fear, rather than from a trifecta of soundness. If they had been focusing on the fire or their fear of being burned, they most likely would have acted to appease King Nebuchadnezzar. But they were focused on God and knew that He was bigger than the issue they were facing. This gave them the sound minds they needed to know that whatever happened, they could trust God.
For people like me, a sound mind is not a trait that comes naturally. Rather, it is something that I need to work hard to cultivate in myself because that is what God wants me, as His follower, to have.
The cultivating comes by recognizing fearful and anxious thoughts and replacing them with the word of God; by spending more time thinking about God's character and love than about myself or my situation.
"Truth is never at the mercy of facts. Facts say I feel lonely and afraid. Truth says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'." - Damon Thompson
I'm still learning. And sometimes I have to choose to focus on God 10-plus times before the anxious thoughts get tired and give up.
But there is a sound mind to be had and I'm going to get it.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Whelmed
"I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed....but can you ever just be whelmed?" - 10 Things I Hate About You
It could be stated....that due to my naturally dramatic nature......that I can get overwhelmed easily. I am, after all, the little girl who would wrap her ankle up with an Ace bandage every time it seemed to hurt. Often to me, circumstances in life can appear larger than they actually are, almost as if I were viewing things through a perpetual rearview mirror.
I remember distinctly during Matt's and my wedding service, my brother-in-law (also Matt) who performed the ceremony, was speaking about our relationship and said, "I think you, Matt, keep Gretchen from taking herself too seriously; and you, Gretchen, keep Matt from taking himself not seriously enough."
Amen. I take things too seriously sometimes.
And our blissful Fjerky family life has been picking up steam lately as our calendar just keeps getting more and more packed. It often seems as though the older we get, the more responsibilities are thrust upon us; the crazier life gets, the lengthier the list of things to worry about grows. Sometimes, it just seems so easy to get exasperatingly overwhelmed.
How does one avoid being overwhelmed? By shutting others and opportunities out? By blindly saying 'No' all the time? By shutting down emotionally? That seems.....hopeless. And selfish. And downright dreadful.
I honestly don't know.....but the more that I think, pray and study on it......the more I think that I realize that the feeling of "overwhelmed" is often about my own attitude and perception of situations.
One more shindig gathering pops up that we should attend? Stop viewing it as a blot on a blissfully free weekend and embrace it as a chance to pour forth love and good society.
One more obligation that is asked of us? Stop viewing it as an annoyance to be gotten through trudgingly and embrace it as a chance to share our God-given value.
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church......a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past......we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you......we are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindoll
Attitude - the way that we view things directly affects the way that we respond to them.
It is safe to say that before I became a mother, I did not work very hard to cultivate an attitude of calm in my life. I freaked out easily, stressed out about small things, and in general let my mind run amuck. I got easily overwhelmed. Since I had Finn, however, I have been working actively at being a calm person because that is the environment that I want him to grow up in.
I have been re-watching Felicity lately on Netflix and as I was half paying attention the other day while I was doing homework I heard,
"Before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, just know that you're going to be fine."
For some reason it struck a chord with me because that is often what I do - get caught up in the drama of a moment.
When all I really need to do is connect to the peace inside of me that Jesus has promised (John 14:27) and say, "Peace. Be still."
I do not need to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I can dwell in the 'whelmed', calm place of peace.
It could be stated....that due to my naturally dramatic nature......that I can get overwhelmed easily. I am, after all, the little girl who would wrap her ankle up with an Ace bandage every time it seemed to hurt. Often to me, circumstances in life can appear larger than they actually are, almost as if I were viewing things through a perpetual rearview mirror.
Amen. I take things too seriously sometimes.
And our blissful Fjerky family life has been picking up steam lately as our calendar just keeps getting more and more packed. It often seems as though the older we get, the more responsibilities are thrust upon us; the crazier life gets, the lengthier the list of things to worry about grows. Sometimes, it just seems so easy to get exasperatingly overwhelmed.
How does one avoid being overwhelmed? By shutting others and opportunities out? By blindly saying 'No' all the time? By shutting down emotionally? That seems.....hopeless. And selfish. And downright dreadful.
I honestly don't know.....but the more that I think, pray and study on it......the more I think that I realize that the feeling of "overwhelmed" is often about my own attitude and perception of situations.
One more shindig gathering pops up that we should attend? Stop viewing it as a blot on a blissfully free weekend and embrace it as a chance to pour forth love and good society.
One more obligation that is asked of us? Stop viewing it as an annoyance to be gotten through trudgingly and embrace it as a chance to share our God-given value.
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church......a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past......we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you......we are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindoll
Attitude - the way that we view things directly affects the way that we respond to them.
It is safe to say that before I became a mother, I did not work very hard to cultivate an attitude of calm in my life. I freaked out easily, stressed out about small things, and in general let my mind run amuck. I got easily overwhelmed. Since I had Finn, however, I have been working actively at being a calm person because that is the environment that I want him to grow up in.
Being calm is not something that comes easily to me, but I am realizing more and more that I am able to choose to remain calm.
The way I see it, there is a continuum between being a person of calmness/peace and being a person of freakouts/spazz-attacks. Picture it like this:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMExxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
calm crazy
Being that I am a person and people tend to be in a constant state of motion and change, I figure that I am always moving in one direction or another on the continuum of calm.
For instance, yesterday Finn pooped in the bathtub. Not only that, but as I was in the process of cleaning him and it up, he kept right on pooping. The situation at the time seemed overwhelming to me. So standing there, with my son crying and the poop flying, I had a choice. I could either give in to the feeling of being overwhelmed and begin crying along with him......or, I could take a deep breath and just deal - knowing that the moment won't last forever. If I choose the latter, I have moved closer to the calm side of the continuum and it makes it easier to make that same decision next time. If I choose the former, well, I have taken another step towards being a person I really don't want to be. Life is a series of choices that work to develop who we are.
This also reminds me of a conversation I had recently with an amazing friend; she was telling me how tired she was of life throwing one annoying thing after another at her. More than that, she said she was tired of getting stressed out about each annoying thing - so she had decided that she was not going to keep going off what she was feeling. Rather, she was going to take things more in stride, she was going to relax and not take things so seriously.
I do not mean to make this all sound, however, as though it were all a matter of the will. It is impossible to will these types of urges away and expect them to remain on the sideline. Though it is possible to manage our attitudes and learn the art of chilling out, the work is completed only by God. Eventually, should we persist in our strength, the task will prove to be too much. Rather, its a matter of drawing on God's strength and ability to change me as I look to Him and allow Him room to move in my life.
I have been reflecting recently on story in Mark 4:35-41:
"'Late that day he said to them, 'Let's go across to the other side.' They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, 'Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?' Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Settle down!' The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: 'Why are you such cowards?? Don't you have any faith at all?' They were in absolute awe, staggered, 'Who is this, anyway?' they asked. 'Wind and sea at his beck and call!'"
Sometimes, my life feels as though its boat is about to capsize amidst the waves beating against my boat. I plead with God in my prayers, "Don't you see these waves overwhelming me?!"
Time after time, He says, "Do not fear. Peace, be still."
My problem is that I am focusing more on the waves than I am on He who is in the boat with me. I am looking at the storm and forgetting that He who created all things is right by my side.
The main issue is that I can't speak peace to the storm raging in my circumstances if there is not peace inside of me.
Knowing God is with me is sometimes the only peace I have in the craziness of life.
But that's enough.
I do not mean to make this all sound, however, as though it were all a matter of the will. It is impossible to will these types of urges away and expect them to remain on the sideline. Though it is possible to manage our attitudes and learn the art of chilling out, the work is completed only by God. Eventually, should we persist in our strength, the task will prove to be too much. Rather, its a matter of drawing on God's strength and ability to change me as I look to Him and allow Him room to move in my life.
I have been reflecting recently on story in Mark 4:35-41:
"'Late that day he said to them, 'Let's go across to the other side.' They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, 'Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?' Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Settle down!' The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: 'Why are you such cowards?? Don't you have any faith at all?' They were in absolute awe, staggered, 'Who is this, anyway?' they asked. 'Wind and sea at his beck and call!'"
Sometimes, my life feels as though its boat is about to capsize amidst the waves beating against my boat. I plead with God in my prayers, "Don't you see these waves overwhelming me?!"
Time after time, He says, "Do not fear. Peace, be still."
My problem is that I am focusing more on the waves than I am on He who is in the boat with me. I am looking at the storm and forgetting that He who created all things is right by my side.
The main issue is that I can't speak peace to the storm raging in my circumstances if there is not peace inside of me.
Knowing God is with me is sometimes the only peace I have in the craziness of life.
But that's enough.
I have been re-watching Felicity lately on Netflix and as I was half paying attention the other day while I was doing homework I heard,
"Before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, just know that you're going to be fine."
For some reason it struck a chord with me because that is often what I do - get caught up in the drama of a moment.
When all I really need to do is connect to the peace inside of me that Jesus has promised (John 14:27) and say, "Peace. Be still."
I do not need to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I can dwell in the 'whelmed', calm place of peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)