Rack, Shack and Benny

I recently got thrown into a bit of a tailspin.

Something that I had come to depend on as a loyal safety net was suddenly pulled from me and I felt a bit as though I was flailing.

As I have discovered in the past, if I focused on the loss or the stir of trouble, I quickly became sick to my stomach with anxiety. But, rejoice! If I focused on God and the belief of His sovereignty, peace remained.

I had to do this more than once, more than 10 times, really. Then I guess I just did it so much that the fear got tired of trying and stayed away!

This morning as I was praying, I found myself thinking about Rack, Shack and Benny.

Rack, Shack and Benny; otherwise known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).

I was thinking of their amazing story, of their total commitment to God: to refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's god and thereby be thrown into (and saved from) the fiery furnace.

And I began putting myself in their shoes.......would I have been able to take that same bold stance for God? Would I have rather been thrown into the furnace than bow before another? Would I have gotten to experience the wonder of not getting burned by the fire?

Tragically, this is what came to my mind: "Well, I could do that if I was in the right frame of mind."

I began to try to decipher why that was my first reaction. After all, what does that mean? To be in the 'right frame of mind'?

It basically all came down to the fact that sometimes I feel close enough to God to risk anything for Him and obey Him no matter what He asks. Other times, our relationship isn't as easy or simple for me to trust.

More than anything, that passing thought gave me good reason to evaluate what it would take to remain in that so-called 'right frame of mind'. I don't have the entirety of my relationship with God figured out in statistics or black and white obviousness, but I do know that I want to consistently remain in the frame of mind that I would rather die than disown or disobey Him. I want to be a Rack, Shack and Benny compadre.

One of the first verses that I remember learning was 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I always gravitated to this verse because fear has always been a struggle of mine and it reminds me that fear is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be "of sound mind".

I remember being a bit disillusioned however, upon reading the NIV: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline." Self-discipline? Can't I have a sound mind instead? Trade-sies?

About a month ago I was thinking about this verse and why it was translated in different versions as "sound mind" and "self-discipline". What is the similarity that exists between them?

Perhaps, just maybe.........sound mind = self-discipline.

Perhaps, just maybe, we often come to be of sound mind through self-discipline - the self-discipline of training our minds to be sound.

This was truly revelatory to me, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.

It is pretty clear that Rack, Shack and Benny would not have been able to choose what they did and see a miracle of God if they had been operating in fear, rather than from a trifecta of soundness. If they had been focusing on the fire or their fear of being burned, they most likely would have acted to appease King Nebuchadnezzar. But they were focused on God and knew that He was bigger than the issue they were facing. This gave them the sound minds they needed to know that whatever happened, they could trust God.

For people like me, a sound mind is not a trait that comes naturally. Rather, it is something that I need to work hard to cultivate in myself because that is what God wants me, as His follower, to have.

The cultivating comes by recognizing fearful and anxious thoughts and replacing them with the word of God; by spending more time thinking about God's character and love than about myself or my situation.

"Truth is never at the mercy of facts. Facts say I feel lonely and afraid. Truth says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'." - Damon Thompson

I'm still learning. And sometimes I have to choose to focus on God 10-plus times before the anxious thoughts get tired and give up.

But there is a sound mind to be had and I'm going to get it.

Kicking My Own Booty - Day ?????

I remember when I first got pregnant, there was an innate part of me that was hoping I would be the woman whose weight dropped off effortlessly post-baby. After all, I had genetics in my favor - if you've seen my mom you know what I mean :).

It turns out, that wasn't so much the case. BUT here I am, 9 months later and I can say that I have officially lost my baby weight....even a couple pounds more than. Granted, I have a little extra baggage in certain areas than I had pre-baby, but the pounds don't lie, right?

It seems equitable to me: 9 months to gain the weight, 9 months to lose it.

It seemed as though the proper reward for losing the baby weight was a semi-makeover, so today I dyed my hair brunette, which is something I have been wanting to try for awhile. And what can I say - I really love it!

(Un-styled, but you get the idea)

And finally, a few gratitude shout-outs:

Devin - for giving me insight into the uncharted territory of healthful living and eating

Matt - for saying I was beautiful even when I felt far from it

Finn - for being worth every pound

Kiki - my biggest cheerleader and empathizer

My scale - for finally being on my side

And to all those who love me large and love me not so large...............

a genuine thank you.

Errr.....Awkward Pause

I hate awkward pauses. I think that is the primary reason that I am not a fan of small talk.

"How are you?"
"Good! How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Err....ummmm.....uhhhhhh. "

.........................awkward.................................pause.

"Okay then! See you later!"

But really I think I hate it because I am not very good at it, unlike my husband who I have always said could have a conversation with a wall:

"Hey wall! How are you? I like your paint! You're pretty sturdy! Say hello to your mother for me, alright?"

I often don't initiate conversation with others unless I can mentally note about 5 conversation topics should the awkward pause rear its ugly head. Its really that bad for this introverted, shy, clumsy girl.

As I was driving down to Vermillion yesterday for class, I was praying for my family and it hit me that sometimes life feels like one, long awkward pause. It is as though we are always in a state of paused waiting....waiting to graduate college, waiting to find "the one", waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the big job. Waiting for the answer to our prayers.

And I think that if I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that as soon as God answers one of my prayers, it isn't long before I delve back into longing for something. Therefore, life as one long pause.

I began thinking about those who lived in a state of pause in the Bible:
Abraham - waiting for the promised child
Moses - waiting for entrance into the promised land
Joseph - waiting through imprisonment for his chance to save his people
Esther - waiting many months to be the king's choice

Life is waiting. And there is so much that needs to be experienced in the pauses. I read this morning in Streams in the Desert:

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music...Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God himself will count the time for us." - John Ruskin

I often find that when God is really trying to drive a point home to me, he is very consistent in what He shows me. Hence, my thoughts of living in the pauses of life on my way to class last night. Hence, reading this this morning:

"Like the faith diggers do every day, we bury our swollen prayers in Him who's raised from the tomb. We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good. Good always necessitates long waiting....this waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God." - Ann Voskamp

There is much to be experienced in the pauses of life. We are not to doubt or manipulate to get what we want in order to have some facade of control. Rather, we are to trust in God despite the circumstances. Real faith overflows in us when we choose to trust God even in the long moments of waiting, when He hits the "Pause" button on our tape deck (yes, tape deck!)

One of my favorite songs says, "When the suffering's all that I see, may I walk with you by faith and not by sight." (The Father's Heart-Hillsong).

My faith comes to full fruition when I choose to trust even when I do not understand. God hasn't promised that I would always understand; but He did promise to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

I remember when I was swollen in pregnancy with Finn and I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. There were some moments when I literally didn't think that I could wait any longer. And in a moment of great need, I randomly found this verse tucked into one of my old planners:

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right - everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones" (Isaiah 30:18 MSG).

That verse spoke to me everything I needed to hear in that moment and a few days later, my sweet boy was in my arms.

My mom is well aware of the pauses that we feel like we are living in. As she was reading the Word this past weekend, she sent me Habukkuk 2:3 and felt that it was to be our family's promise during this time:

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

Though it linger, wait for it. Though the pause is awkward and uncomfortable, know it won't last forever. Though the music tarries, enjoy the rest in full confidence of the next note.

Ohohoh Dreamweaver!

I have never really been one of those people that invested much energy into interpreting or documenting my dreams for posterity's sake.

There were a couple of specific examples in my life when I would have a dream that I really felt meant something and I never wrote those down because well, over time I have just remembered them. They remain important and I continue to feel as though those dreams served one purpose or another.

One such dream I had when I was about 7 months pregnant with Finn. I had a dream that I was pregnant and playing volleyball (but of course!) As I was playing, I felt Finn stick his finger out of my belly and wiggle it around. In my mind I can still see that precious little finger bee-bopping around. As it turned out in the dream, Finn ended up breaking out of my belly and was a healthy and happy baby. Oh yeah, and he was covered in goo and my mom scolded me for not cleaning him off! She would :).

 Oh dreams, you are funny.

That dream became all too real when I ended up having to have an emergency c-section. To this day, I believe that God was trying to prepare me for that.....just a bit.

In the last 2-3 months, I have had several dreams that fall into that "this has to mean something" category - if only because of the strength of emotion that they invoke.

Granted, a couple of nights ago I dreamt that Matt and I worked at a Wendy's and there were a couple of life-size ducks that kept trying to come in the doors to eat. Matt to the rescue - he met them at the door and did this amazing karate/gymnastic/flying leap kick at the ducks and apparently it was enough to get them to give up on Wendy's and I don't know, try McDonald's. I was laughing so hard in the dream that it woke me up and I had tears in my eyes. Some day, I'm going to have to get Matt to re-invent that leap kick for me.

This morning I had another powerful dream. My friends Chanelle, Laura, Alicia and I were getting ready to do a service at a retirement/rehab type facility. All of a sudden, someone wheeled my dad in. And I just stood there, staring at him knowing that it was impossible because he had passed away.

I remember being afraid and beginning to turn away, but then he leaps out of his wheelchair and throws his arms around me and says, "There has never been a day in my life that I didn't love you or that you disappointed me."

And I sob in the dream. And I sob in real life, waking myself up and continuing to cry for awhile after.

I know that dreams can be imaginary figments that are complete gibberish. See: duck dream.

But.....they can mean something too. I think my dream this morning meant something, if only as a chance to see my dad again.

Whelmed

"I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed....but can you ever just be whelmed?" - 10 Things I Hate About You

It could be stated....that due to my naturally dramatic nature......that I can get overwhelmed easily. I am, after all, the little girl who would wrap her ankle up with an Ace bandage every time it seemed to hurt. Often to me, circumstances in life can appear larger than they actually are, almost as if I were viewing things through a perpetual rearview mirror.

I remember distinctly during Matt's and my wedding service, my brother-in-law (also Matt) who performed the ceremony, was speaking about our relationship and said, "I think you, Matt, keep Gretchen from taking herself too seriously; and you, Gretchen, keep Matt from taking himself not seriously enough."

Amen. I take things too seriously sometimes.

And our blissful Fjerky family life has been picking up steam lately as our calendar just keeps getting more and more packed. It often seems as though the older we get, the more responsibilities are thrust upon us;  the crazier life gets, the lengthier the list of things to worry about grows. Sometimes, it just seems so easy to get exasperatingly overwhelmed.

How does one avoid being overwhelmed? By shutting others and opportunities out? By blindly saying 'No' all the time? By shutting down emotionally? That seems.....hopeless. And selfish. And downright dreadful.

I honestly don't know.....but the more that I think, pray and study on it......the more I think that I realize that the feeling of "overwhelmed" is often about my own attitude and perception of situations.

One more shindig gathering pops up that we should attend? Stop viewing it as a blot on a blissfully free weekend and embrace it as a chance to pour forth love and good society.

One more obligation that is asked of us? Stop viewing it as an annoyance to be gotten through trudgingly and embrace it as a chance to share our God-given value.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church......a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past......we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you......we are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindoll

Attitude - the way that we view things directly affects the way that we respond to them.

It is safe to say that before I became a mother, I did not work very hard to cultivate an attitude of calm in my life. I freaked out easily, stressed out about small things, and in general let my mind run amuck. I got easily overwhelmed. Since I had Finn, however, I have been working actively at being a calm person because that is the environment that I want him to grow up in.

Being calm is not something that comes easily to me, but I am realizing more and more that I am able to choose to remain calm.

The way I see it, there is a continuum between being a person of calmness/peace and being a person of freakouts/spazz-attacks. Picture it like this:

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMExxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

   calm                                                                                                                   crazy

Being that I am a person and people tend to be in a constant state of motion and change, I figure that I am always moving in one direction or another on the continuum of calm.

For instance, yesterday Finn pooped in the bathtub. Not only that, but as I was in the process of cleaning him and it up, he kept right on pooping. The situation at the time seemed overwhelming to me. So standing there, with my son crying and the poop flying, I had a choice. I could either give in to the feeling of being overwhelmed and begin crying along with him......or, I could take a deep breath and just deal - knowing that the moment won't last forever.  If I choose the latter, I have moved closer to the calm side of the continuum and it makes it easier to make that same decision next time. If I choose the former, well, I have taken another step towards being a person I really don't want to be. Life is a series of choices that work to develop who we are.

This also reminds me of a conversation I had recently with an amazing friend; she was telling me how tired she was of life throwing one annoying thing after another at her. More than that, she said she was tired of getting stressed out about each annoying thing - so she had decided that she was not going to keep going off what she was feeling. Rather, she was going to take things more in stride, she was going to relax and not take things so seriously.

I do not mean to make this all sound, however, as though it were all a matter of the will. It is impossible to will these types of urges away and expect them to remain on the sideline. Though it is possible to manage our attitudes and learn the art of chilling out, the work is completed only by God. Eventually, should we persist in our strength, the task will prove to be too much. Rather, its a matter of drawing on God's strength and ability to change me as I look to Him and allow Him room to move in my life.

I have been reflecting recently on story in Mark 4:35-41:
"'Late that day he said to them, 'Let's go across to the other side.' They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, 'Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?' Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Settle down!' The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: 'Why are you such cowards?? Don't you have any faith at all?' They were in absolute awe, staggered, 'Who is this, anyway?' they asked. 'Wind and sea at his beck and call!'"

Sometimes, my life feels as though its boat is about to capsize amidst the waves beating against my boat. I plead with God in my prayers, "Don't you see these waves overwhelming me?!"
Time after time, He says, "Do not fear. Peace, be still."

My problem is that I am focusing more on the waves than I am on He who is in the boat with me. I am looking at the storm and forgetting that He who created all things is right by my side.

The main issue is that I can't speak peace to the storm raging in my circumstances if there is not peace inside of me.

Knowing God is with me is sometimes the only peace I have in the craziness of life.

But that's enough. 

I have been re-watching Felicity lately on Netflix and as I was half paying attention the other day while I was doing homework I heard,
"Before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, just know that you're going to be fine."

For some reason it struck a chord with me because that is often what I do - get caught up in the drama of a moment.

When all I really need to do is connect to the peace inside of me that Jesus has promised (John 14:27) and say, "Peace. Be still."

I do not need to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I can dwell in the 'whelmed', calm place of peace.

Rorschach

I started back to school this week. The class I am taking, Appraisal of the Individual, is all about ways to assess those that we will be seeing in counseling. 

We were discussing the history of assessment and the Rorschach test was brought up. You know Rorschach.....those weird ink-blot type cards that can look like something straight out of a serial killer's mind. 

Our professor, Dr. Rice, stated that when people are being evaluated with these, they fare much better when they take in the entire image on the card, rather than just focusing in on smaller aspects of it. 

Those who were able to view the bigger picture had a healthier all-around view on life and had healthier mindsets. 

It resonated with me that I, too, tend to have an all-around healthier mindset when I am able to focus on the big picture rather than zeroing in on one area of my life. 

And what is the big picture?

That life is not about being comfortable or seeking my own way on things. 

That I am called to love and bless others. 

That God will supply all of my needs. That God has a purpose for my life. That God loves me. 

Colossians 3:1-4 says, "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

I have a feeling all of life would make more sense if I was constantly attuned to God's perspective. 

This message was reaffirmed to my heart this morning in church, when our pastor's message was all about God's calling and purpose for us. Then Pastor Beard said, "Everything we do is to be taken in the light of eternity."

Life is lived best by taking my eyes off of myself and looking to God. By looking to God, I am able to trust His plan........even when nothing seems to make sense. When I stop fighting for my own way all the time, I am able to relax and feel God's love for others flow through me. He is better able to use me when I let go of my own plans. Now if only I didn't need so many reminders of these things. 

Rorschach, Rorschach, Rorschach. 

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On another random note, Lifelight is this weekend! We ventured out on Friday so Finn could experience his first music festival. It was a wonderful time - we got to hear some awesome music, see great friends that we haven't seen in awhile, and participate in a cool ministry. 

Listening to his first band!

Chatty Daddy

Fjerky Fam Extraordinaire

Beautiful Evening