When I was 12 years old, I took my brother's old job as a newspaper carrier as a way to "start saving for college". Once I outgrew that, I worked as a party coach (don't ask) at a kid's playland, a server/dishwasher at a retirement home, and a receptionist at a hair salon - all at various times throughout high school. And I did save most of that money. I never shopped much for clothes or fancy products. Most of my money went to junk food that couldn't be found in our house, going out to movies with friends, and penny pop. My first and only big purchase was a Wilson tennis racket that I still use to this day. Some of the money also went to the two missions trips I took in high school.
But I was a good saver. I've always been a good saver. Some people say stingy or frugal. I say saver.
Suffice it to say, I was woefully disappointed when the money I had saved was no where near what I would need for even a year at North Central University, my college of choice. The first day that I arrived at college I was all ready to move in and settle in and get to know people. But before I could do any of that, admissions informed me that I had to settle my financial accounts. I spent the next 3 1/2 hours trudging from billing to financial aid and back, waiting in lines and filling out paperwork.
It can only be described as one of the most frustrating days of my life.
Although I do believe that North Central was what God wanted me to do, I wish that someone had informed me of the repercussions of student loans. Even though I worked throughout college in a variety of jobs, the pricetag for college was more than I could manage without students loans. I wish that I had known that of the weight them would be on my life for, like, ever (going on 7 years of consistent payments and I feel like I still owe as much as I did when I graduated).
I'm not a psychologist, but if I were to analyze myself and the anxiety that arises within me when money is tight, I think that I would have to ascertain that the anxiety exists for decent reason.
I have lived at the edge of money's worst case scenario. I don't want to share all of the money problems of my childhood years on this blog, because I feel as though those details are not just my story. They belong to my entire family and some might not want those details shared. Sharing them might bring pain or embarrassment or annoyance at my tendency to over-share. I don't want that.
Without sharing specifics, those things weren't detrimental to my well-being and my family always pulled through to have enough. But I would still say that the financial roller-coaster of my younger years contributed to the money-related anxiety that I still deal with today.
I have gone to God with this problem many times over the years, wondering why He would allow our family that loved Him and served Him to go through such deep waters.
And in the place of my brain where wisdom exists, I know.
I know that He allowed it because some decisions that were made had repercussions, even if those repercussions were felt by innocent children.
I know that God provided the enough that we had. My mom has testified to this: how somehow, miraculously, our bills were met each month when she was a working single mother.
I know that it is easy to see in retrospect God's hand working things for good, despite all of the tough years and circumstances.
So why do I still worry?
The only thing that I can think of is that I want to avoid the suffering, the not-knowing, the checkbook-watching, the mental boxing match that comes with being financially strapped. I don't want to ride that roller-coaster ride. No thanks.
Because if I believe that God will hold me no matter what happens and that I am always safe with him - and I do - then what is it exactly that I am fearing?
I am fearing the worry of financial woes. I am fearing a stack of bills and not knowing how they will be paid. I am fearing being in a place of neediness. I want to know that I am taken care of; I want to be in control so that my financial situation does not require a miracle. Needing a miracle is a scary place to be in.
But as I look out over the horizon of the next year, I know with certainty that we will need God's provision to make it through. I say this with about 60% excitement of how he is going to do it all, and 40% fear that He won't. Ug....talk about a lagging faith.
Here are some things I am studying to bolster this laggadocious faith (yay for made up words!):
** I need to be surrendered to God's will and not my own. Once I am okay with whatever God brings to pass - trusting Him no matter what - I find a place of rest. Romans 12:1 - "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." (MSG) Amen. Place my life as an offering before God - God helping me. I'm going to need that help, Lord!
** Needing to see God move in one's life is not a bad place to be in. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - "As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally - not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing." (MSG). Amen. God still rescues. He can rescue. He will rescue. We need not depend on our own strength or wisdom, and sometimes we need to be forced into a place of trusting God. Even so, He rescues.
** Suffering should not be feared, but welcomed. Christ promised it, but he also promised to be with us when we walk through it. Philippians 1:29 - "There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting." (MSG). Amen. Let me not fight off suffering with every valiant effort for control I make. Let me embrace it with a knowledge of His presence and help. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." (MSG). In lines with that, the suffering need not be feared because it serves many purposes, including bringing us into greater dependence on God and a knowledge of our neediness of Him.
** There is a freedom that comes when we rest, unencumbered by burdens, in God. God rewards the steps of faith that we take. And we can take steps of faith and still be scared. Hebrews 10:23-24 - "So let's do it - full of belief, confident that we're presentable in side and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out." (MSG). Amen. God has promised that He is my provider. So let me proceed forward by clinging to that promise. Let me not focus on my own needs but use my energy in a better way by loving others - perhaps those who are less fortunate than I am.
So I am stepping out, clinging to the promises of God. I sometimes feel like the boy's father in Mark 9:24 who pleaded with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus responds to his request in verse 23: "If you can? ... everything is possible for one who believes."
"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24 - NIV).
I do believe in your promises, God! Help my unbelief!
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