The Anxiety Monster and Singing

When I decided to start a blog 4+ years ago, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about every time. It ended up normally including some sort of parenting lesson I was learning courtesy of Finn, or commemorating some special event or memory in my life. It kept my love for writing alive.

I never thought that I could write about parenting techniques, because I certainly don't feel like an expert.
I never thought I could write about fashion or makeup, because I'm so not on the cusp of it.
I never thought I could write about tv shows or entertainment, because it feels kind of empty and fruitless.
I never thought I could write about fitness tips or tricks, because come on, let's get serious.

I didn't have any knowledge that could help a reader out.

So I just kind of wrote about our lives, and my personal experiences. I wrote about God nearly every time, because He's intensely personal to me.

Writing helps me process the chaos in my mind, and I guess I share it because truly, I hope others can identify and get something out of what I've walked through. Let's all just be messes together, am I right?

One of the biggest insecurities I have about putting our lives out there is, "Gretchen, do you really think people care? How many stories can you tell about yourself, really? Are you that self-involved that you can't talk about anything else?" The voices of insecurity play on inside my head.

But really, I write about my stories because my personal experience is the only thing I feel like I am an expert at.

However, the other night, I was with my best friend and we got on the topic of how we often go through hard times so that we are able to better help others through similar circumstances (2 Corinthians 1). I shared with her how I've been able to help many of our young adult women through anxiety because it's a monster in my life that I've had to learn to conquer. I've been able to use my personal experience with it to teach others about walking through it in the strength of God.

I said to Chanelle, "I could probably just keep a blog all about anxiety and how to deal with it on a daily basis."

I've dealt with anxiety so much that sometimes I feel like an expert at it.

For the past year and a half or so, my anxiety has flared up every time I am to sing in public. Now, I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of people, but that was just the shy girl in me. Since last February, however, it has been a much more intense, sometimes debilitating fear. So debilitating in fact, that I have been tempted to walk away from it entirely: "Maybe God just never meant for me to be a singer and I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not".

I've never counted myself as the best singer in any room, especially any room that my husband is in, but it is something I have genuinely loved all my life. I come alive when I hear music. I have music going constantly at home. Even when it's silent I'm usually singing whatever song is stuck in my head at that moment. I love to connect to God through music; I love looking at Him through lyrics and singing them, meaning every word with all my heart. I feel His presence in those moments.

But I had allowed the joy of singing to be stolen from me by giving anxiety a foothold - again - in my mind. Every time I was to sing in public, I became petrified that my voice was going to give out on me. I consistently thought that my throat felt scratchy and agitated. For days before singing, I would avoid talking on the phone, having long conversations with my husband, and even reading books to my boys in order to "save" my voice. It began to take over my life on those days.

Nobody has ever argued that anxiety is always rational, after all.

When I realized that I had allowed something I loved very much to be tarnished by anxiety, I began to get angry. It has been my experience that anger can be a healthy antidote to anxiety. It shows a fighting spirit and an unwillingness to back down to the bully that is anxiety.

Anxiety has to be fought. It will not go away on it's own. The more leeway it is given, the more it takes over. One has to be more stubborn than it - choosing over and over again, 100 times a day if needed - to focus on faith more than fear.

I'm still not totally over this particular battle. It continues to be a mental boxing match, but oh, the strides that have been taken. After all, sometimes battles are won slowly.

Each time I get up and sing even when I'm afraid, I put one more nail in the coffin of anxiety.

I now refuse to stifle my voice in the days beforehand, choosing to believe that God will use my voice as long as it's offered, and whether it's tired or not.

This whole singing ordeal has been one more ride on the anxiety carousel for me. Although it has been suffocating and frustrating and humiliating to the point that I only spoke of it with those closest to me, it has taught me more about the anxiety monster and more about the faithfulness of God. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

This past weekend I was leading a song for worship and began feeling anxious as soon as my husband told me on Wednesday evening. Thursday I happened to read this: "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe." (Mark 5:36).

That's God's grace, right there. I repeated that verse to myself over and over again during the next few days. I acted on it, willing myself away from anxious thoughts and focusing on belief. It carried me up to the moment I opened my mouth to sing.

Showing up afraid and singing anyway helps me to defeat the anxiety monster.

I can give you names of sermons I've listened to and books I've read and and verses I've memorized and songs I've heard that have helped me immensely against anxiety.

But, truly, the greatest weapon that I have found in defeating it totally lies in one thing: trusting that God loves me.

When I trust that God loves me, I am able to surrender to whatever His plans are for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I can relax in His ability to care for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I know He works all things - even hard things - for good.
When I trust that God loves me, I honor Him.

Nothing, truly, matters more than that.

"Help"

I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.

There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.

With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.

Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.

This one has proven a bit different.

We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.

A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.

One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.

When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.

Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.

Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".

I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.

Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.

When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.

Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!

We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.

Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.

Harmony

Harmony can be defined in multiple ways:
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"

Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.

One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.

But it all started with the music. And the worship.

From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).

I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.

When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.

I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.

Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.

There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.

When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.

I love seeing him shine.

Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.

Two voices, one lovely strain.

When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.

"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15

When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.

In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.

And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.

Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.

Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.

But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.

Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1

Beautiful Ashes

This past Sunday morning, I was doing my weekly exercise of "chase Finn around the church as he explores".

He wandered into the gym where kid's church is held. As he continued his exploration, I got to listen to a bit of the message. Pastor Jeff was holding up two cards, one that read "YES" and one that read "NO". As per most children's pastors, he spent some time teasing the kids, asking them if they could read what was printed on the "YES" card. When they would respond with a resounding "Yes!", he would playfully ask what the word was. Again, "Yes!" was screamed and Pastor Jeff would act befuddled and it went round and round like this for awhile. It was a rousing round of "Who's On First" for the elementary masses.

It didn't take too long, however, for several of the kids to catch on. There were a rebel few who began to see through Pastor Jeff's gamely charade and would shout, "No!" to everyone else's "Yes!". They were ahead of the crowd and chose a contrary way of proving that they had the game figured out.

And I just laughed to myself there in the back of the gym. Those contrary ones who catch on so quickly and go against the grain don't always make things easy on figures of authority. They've got it all figured out and are bent on proving it.

But then it also hit me how those contrary ones are trailblazers and quite possibly the future leaders of the rest of us. They are the ones who aren't content with the norm and they strive to be heard, to make a difference.

It all just started me thinking how God uses those sometimes "unappealing to others" aspects of our personalities to bring about His will. He truly turns ashes into beauty as we surrender the ashes to Him.

It makes me think of how I have heard that my husband was as a child: boundlessly energetic, fearless, adventurous........in a word, tiring :).

To see how God has taken all of those qualities and molded them for His purpose is lovely: Matt is an anointed worship leader whose energy and passion inspire those around him.

I was blessed to do a human video yesterday in church that I created when I was 17 years old. From the time that I was a pre-teen, I would create "dances" in my room to various songs (many of which were sung by Amy Grant). Since I was never much of a dancer, these dances were really just random movements set to the music......a pre-cursor for the human videos I would someday create. What my siblings would have called annoying and amateurish and hilarious (not in the good way), God turned to use for good. And it just amazes me that God is able to use the kicks and flicks that I set to music to speak to people and give Him glory.

 For those who did not grow up in an A/G church and don't know what a human video is - you are missing out!! Here is one of my favorites for a visual:

Essentially, human video = drama set to music

It can be so easy for us to be hyper-critical of ourselves and the character flaws that we feel that we possess. But when we view things from God's perspective, we are able to see the beauty shining through the ashes.

In Worship

Well, my latest blog was kind of an emotional dud. 

I process my feelings very much while I write and that sometimes means that I don't have it all together or have anything figured out when I type. 

It definitely felt a little topsy turvy to me. 

And that's okay. I'm topsy turvy sometimes. 

Sometimes faith is a fight and I think that post reflects that. 

But there are some aspects of my faith that are less of a struggle and more natural to me. 

Worship is like that for me. It is illuminating and strengthening. 

When I worship, I feel as though I am doing what I am called to do - whether or not I have a mic in my hands.

When I worship, things between me and God are in their proper position. He is high and exalted and I am not. I am reveling in His beauty and power and grace. 

A few years ago, Matt was doing an internship at a church in town. A lady came in, receiving a tour. When she realized who he was and who he was married to, she told him that she knew my family quite well back in the day because she had been friends with my sister, Missy. She told Matt that the last memory that she had of me was riding my tricycle and singing loudly to Jesus. When my brother, Matt, told me that I was annoying the neighbors, I told them that at least I was annoying them for Jesus! 

I have loved Jesus for as long as I can remember, and worship is a main way that I get to pour that out.

Worship is even what brought me and my husband together (well, worship and Saved By the Bell), and I LOVE that. 

I remember as a little girl sitting in the front row at church, I raised my hands in worship with gusto. I then peeked out of the corner of my eye to see 2 older girls pointing at me and giggling. My hands came down, suddenly self-aware. 

It is my hope now to lose my self-awareness in worship and become more and more God-aware. Aware of His presence, aware of His mercy, aware of His beauty. 

Psalms has been my favorite book in the Bible for as long as I can recall. King David was a worshiper and I have always identified with him. The highs and lows, the faith that proclaims and the doubt that questions. 

"I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart,

I'm writing the book on your wonders. 

I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy; 

I'm singing your song, High God." - Psalm 9:1-2 (MSG)

"I hate all this silly religion,

but you, God, I trust.

I'm leaping and singing in the circle of your love; 

you saw my pain,

you disarmed my tormentors, 

You didn't leave me in their clutches

but gave me room to breathe." - Psalm 31:6-8 (MSG)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; 

His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 

My soul will make its boast in the Lord;

The humble will hear it and rejoice.

O magnify the Lord with me, 

And let us exalt His name together. 

I sought the Lord, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:1-4 (NASB)

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God - 

soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face. 

He's my God." - Psalm 43:5 (MSG)

"Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

I learned God-worship

when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

don't for a moment escape God's notice." - Psalm 51:16-17 (MSG)

"God-you're my God!

I can't get enough of you!

I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,

traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, 

drinking in your strength and glory.

In your generous love I am really living at last!

My lips brim praises like fountains.

I bless you every time I take a breath;

My arms wave like banners of praise to you. 

I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;

I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!

If I'm sleepless at midnight,

I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because you've always stood up for me,

I'm free to run and play.

I hold on to you for dear life,

and you hold me steady as a post." - Psalm 63:1-8  (MSG)

"Come, let us worship and bow down, 

Let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.

For He is our God,

And we are the people of His pasture and 

the sheep of His hand." - Psalm 95:6-7 (NASB)

"What can I give back to God

for the blessings he's poured out on me?

I'll lift high the cup of salvation-a toast to God!

I'll pray in the name of God;" - Psalm 116:12-13  (MSG)

"He heals the heartbroken

and bandages their wounds.

He counts the stars 

and assigns each a name.

Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;

we'll never comprehend what he knows and

does.

God puts the fallen on their feet again 

and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

Sing to God a thanksgiving hymn,

play music on your instruments to God," - Psalm 147: 3-7 (MSG)

I didn't want to write very long today; I simply felt a desire to turn my attention. 

In worship. 

Life Soundtrack

I almost always have music on during the day. I love to put my Ipod on "shuffle" because I enjoy not knowing what song is coming next. There is music on my Ipod that spans years of my musical tastes - everything from 80's love songs to boy band mania to country ridiculosity to fluffy Christian pop to current worship music. The Ipod shuffle feature is wonderful - bringing back memories with almost every song. Although I do believe that the shuffle has overestimated my affection for Air Supply. I really don't want to hear one of their songs every 19 minutes. 

Have you ever noticed the power of a song to bring you back to a particular place and time? I have thought of that a few times lately as I find myself making memories with Finn - dancing to music in the kitchen, the songs Matt and I sing to him, the way his world stops in its tracks when The Office or Parks and Recreation theme songs come on TV. 

This much I know: my son loves music. Granted, he doesn't have much choice in the matter, with how constantly he is inundated with music in his daily life. Even his nursery is a music theme!

 It is very sweet to watch his genuine excitement and fascination with guitars, drums, and piano. When I am on worship team and bring him to practice, he stares down everyone playing an instrument. And I can't help but wonder if his memory will be distinctly tied to the music that fills his life, because that is what so many of my own memories are tied to. 

For example: this song brings me right back to sitting in church listening to my mom and her singing group, "Gentle Praise". However cheesy it is, it gives me a happy, sappy feeling. 

Then there is this song - a winner if there ever was one. This is from the Chicago tape that our family would listen to relentlessly every time we would bake chocolate chip cookies - one of my all-time favorite childhood memories. That Chicago Greatest Hits tape saw a lot of mileage, as it also spurs many road trip memories! Was it the only tape we owned?

Speaking of road trips, we were coming back from one when I, as a little girl, first heard this song come on the radio. I remember it was nighttime and I sat in the backseat, staring forlornly out the window. I looked up at the stars and wondered if "somewhere out there", my future husband was listening to the same song and thinking of me. Ah, ever the romantic. Matt, did you ever stare out the window while listening to this song and wonder where I was? :)

These songs are all included in the soundtrack of my childhood, along with any song from "Annie" and the morning song my mom sang to wake us up: 

"The puppies are barking, the kitties are meowing

The birdies are singing, it's such a happy day!

The sun is shining, the grass is growing,

They all seem to say, 'Come out and play!'"

 There is also an unending array of songs that my siblings introduced me to.

This song reminds me of sleepovers in Missy's dorm at USF:

"Walking on Broken Glass" - Annie Lennox

This song reminds me of Matt going to their concert and his love for country music:

"Fishin' in the Dark" - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

This song reminds me of Kiki playing this song endlessly when she was in high school - she would play the tape, rewind it, play it again. And my naive mind would think - how does she always manage to find the right radio station that is playing that song??

"If I Ever Fall in Love" - Shai

This song reminds me of riding to school in Josh's black Nissan truck and we would actually belt this song out together - he would take the "Hey heys" and I would take the "Whoa-oh-ohs":

"Runaround Sue" - Dion and the Belmonts

It is phenomenal the way that music can evoke and invoke emotions.....long buried but deeply remaining.

And I cannot wait, as Finn gets older, to hear him look back on what songs evoke memories for him.

As long as it doesn't start in "Air" and end in "Supply".  

Healing is in Your Hands

Video share time! I can't get enough of this song right now. God's love is entire and infinite and I just can't wrap my head around it. Am I supposed to? Or do I just need to accept it?