I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.
He was too friendly and nice to everybody.
I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
He was also too good-looking.
I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.
So what does God do?
He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.
I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.
He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.
He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.
Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.
Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......
Yeah, this was like that.
The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.
I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.
God wanted to give me more than just enough.
I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.
God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.
I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.
God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability.
I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.
Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."
As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.
Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."
Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.
God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.
Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.
My cup overflows.
