Kindred Spirits

I've been delving back into my Anne of Green Gables books again recently. Sometimes I feel like a child again when I read them and I think maybe that is what draws me in time and time again.

I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).

I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.

One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".

In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.

Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"

Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.

I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.

Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."

I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.

I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.

I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.

To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.

So..........you know...............thanks.

What Do I Do With These 64 Crayons?

Well, classes start in just 2 and a half weeks and I have truly been running the gamut of emotions:

- Excitement because I know it is what I am supposed to be doing AND I am almost finished
- Sadness over spending significantly less time with Finn
- Nervousness over counseling actual clients
- Wonder over how our finances will be met
- Fear that the stress of it all will cause my sleep problems to creep back in

.....Gosh those are a lot of negative emotions. Can I mention the excitement again? Because that IS a big part of what I am feeling!

I am a person who has dealt with a wide berth of emotions for as long as I can remember. I recall one of my professors stating once that some people have an 8 color box of crayons in emotions.  They have all the basics - red, blue, yellow, which means that they feel all the basic emotions - anger, sadness, happiness, etc.

Then he said that there are others who have a 64 box of crayons - they feel all those basic emotions, but they also feel all sorts of different shades of those emotions. Metaphorically speaking, they have not only blue, but also periwinkle, aqua, turquoise. Realistically speaking, they feel sadness, but also happy sadness, content sadness, angry sadness.

All of that to say, I am pretty sure I have the 64 box crayon of emotions. Not only that, but because of my hypersensitivity, I am usually very in touch with whatever emotion that I am feeling.

In the past, I have lived in surrender to whatever emotion I was feeling at any given point in time. My emotions were in control, so to speak. I used to think that living under the control of my emotions was an authentic way to live  - my feelings were my guide about everything. And while emotions can definitely be A guide, they are not meant to be the sole leader of our lives.

So as I feel all of these emotions about starting classes, I am trying to focus on the positive ones to give them power over the negative ones. But I am also assuring myself that they are just emotions and they don't change what I know I am supposed to be doing. Gosh, I feel like this is quickly venturing into self-help territory!!  Moving on....

Another thing that I am learning to do with my plethora of emotions is to pray them.

I used to feel ashamed of the strength of some of what I felt. I felt anger strongly, I felt sadness strongly, I felt jealousy strongly; but I also felt love strongly, loyalty strongly, obedience strongly, joy strongly.

When I would feel ashamed, I would tend to hide from God, a la Adam and Eve in the garden.

But what I have learned is that God longs to hear the honesty of whatever we are feeling. When we hide from Him, we hinder what He can do in the situation.

Dr. Timothy Keller, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastors to listen to online, did a sermon series on "Praying Your Fears" and "Praying Your Tears".

These sermons can be found online and I highly recommend them to anyone who deals with anxiety or sadness on a daily basis. They were eye opening for me and God used them to release a lot of strongholds in my life.

For those who don't go listen to them, however, essentially what they teach is that God wants to hear from us in the depth of what we are feeling - whatever it is. When we share what we are feeling with Him, it engages Him in the circumstance and invites Him to act.

As one who has often been burdened by the strength of my emotions, I have found praying them and being honest with God about them has been absolutely freeing. I no longer have to ashamed of what I feel; I bring it before God and we deal with it together.

One of my favorite books in the Bible has always been Psalms. I think that the reason I have loved it so is because I have always identified with much of what David wrote. He has been a brotha from anotha motha. In his writings, David expresses fear, sadness, joy, anger, elation, peace. I have recently gone through the psalms again and as I read them this time, I would write down any emotion that I felt was being expressed.

I sensed fear in Psalm 3,
affliction in Psalm 5,
weariness in Psalm 6,
wonder in Psalm 8,
bafflement in Psalm 10,
feeling forgotten in Psalm 13,
feeling rescued in Psalm 18,
thankfulness in Psalm 21,
anxiety in Psalm 22,
loneliness in Psalm31,
brokenness in Psalm 38,
depression in Psalm 42,
rejection in Psalm 44.

And that's not even the half of it.

The main reason that I love the psalms so much is because yes, they are a full expression of emotion. But the best part is that nearly every psalm, no matter what is being expressed, ends in giving glory to God and confessing His power over the circumstance.

Dr. Keller does point out that Psalm 88 is the only psalm that does not end on a positive note. I had written down that I sensed despair and loneliness from this psalm; it is not exactly a mood lifter. Dr. Keller believes that God wanted this psalm included as an indicator that things do not always wrap up happily or positively. Sometimes we can't come to that happy place in our minds after spilling our emotions; sometimes we dwell in darkness.

But even in darkness, we are not alone.

 "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night', even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." - Psalm 139:11-12 (MSG)
"God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you'." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

I don't think my 64 box of emotions is going anywhere soon. But by confessing and expressing them to God, He enters in and is ultimately glorified.

Therein lies the purpose of life.