Dirty Dipper Thoughts

In my life thus far, nothing has opened my eyes to the crazy large love of God like being a parent has. Each day when I look at my son and feel my heart overflow with love for him, God in turn whispers His love for me, "I love you both even more than what you feel right now, more than you can imagine." For someone who hasn't always readily accepted the love of God, it can be a little overwhelming!

A couple of days ago, Finn was being a little bit of a fussy-butts. He had been crying for awhile when I laid him down on the changing table to change a dirty dipper (yes, dipper). I looked at him and longed to soothe him, longed to help him understand that it would be okay. Whatever was bothering him was temporary and he would feel so much better if he just relaxed! And that led me to think about how God must say that to me all the time. He looks at me with my tears and fears (Tears for Fears - yeah!) and tries to console me. The problem is that I, like Finn, often cannot hear Him through my crying. I, like Finn, get caught up in the bellowing. And I just feel like if I could shut my tears off and listen more closely to what God is saying, I would hear "It's going to be all right! I see the end of this dilemma and it isn't as terrible as you think. I am here right beside you. I can't make you stop crying, all I can do is tell you that I am here with you and it will all be all right." Why do I think God is saying that? Because that's what I desire to communicate to Finn. "Son, it's going to be all right! I am right here and I will see you through your crying. Cry all you need to, get it out of your system, and know that everything is fine!" Unfortunately, Finn is too immature to understand me yet. All he can comprehend at this point is a soothing voice and touch - but not the words that I speak. Sometimes I can be a fussy-butts with God. But I am realizing that the more I turn myself to hear Him speak, the quicker I am comforted. The more I know Him and grow in the knowledge of Him, the more I can comprehend the exact words He says to me.

A few days ago I was changing Finn's dipper on the changing table (we do a lot of bonding at the changing table) and he began crying. I found myself saying to him, "Why are you crying? You don't want to stay in your dirty dipper, do you?" And again my thoughts paralleled the moment to my relationship with God. How often do I cry out when God begins to change me? Being changed isn't necessarily a romp-roaring good time, after all. But would I rather stay in my dirty dipper, the mess I made for myself? Or would I rather let myself be lifted onto God's theoretical changing table, let Him clean me up, and be as good as new? Granted, I will probably mess myself again in another hour or so....but God is right there to lift me back up to His changing table if I let Him. The less I fuss, the quicker the change will be.

Worst Case Scenario

I can be a bit dramatic. The way that this quality in me sometimes exerts itself is when I jump to worst case scenario thinking. Hence, a lot of the issues I have had in my life dealing with anxiety. I don't think that worst case scenario thinking is wrong, necessarily. Like all things, when surrendered I believe that God can turn it around for good. But surrendering it is the key thing here. God can reveal a lot when our worst case scenarios belong to Him.

Throughout my life, the thing that I have probably been the most anxious about for the largest part of my life would be financial stability. Blame it on my circumstances growing up or whatever, I have an issue with money. I feel most secure when I am working full time and know that my income coming in is more than sufficient to meet the pile of bills on my table. In other words, I feel most secure in my financial situation when I am in complete control. I don't worry when there is nothing to worry about - pretty big of me, eh?

Once we had Finn, Matt and I both felt led that I should stay home - most of the time - with Finn. There were many reasons for this that I won't get into right now....but I am so thankful every day that I get to spend the day with Finn. I am living my dream.

Dreams can come at a cost, however, and in this instance my dream came at the cost of my peace of mind, financially speaking. I knew that staying home is what God wanted me to do, so why was I struggling with anxiety? What was I missing? All of a sudden I wasn't in control of my financial stability anymore and it was causing me to fret the days away - days I should have been basking in my ever-changing son.

One day as I was praying about this, I remembered something that I had done in the past to help with anxiety: writing down exactly what I was anxious about, including what would be the worst case scenario and what would be the best case scenario. I learned in my counseling classes that writing things like that down help to get the circling thoughts out of the mind and can bring mental relief.

So I went in search of those papers. I found 3 of them from about a year ago tucked inside last year's planner. I read over them....each written in intricate detail about the things that were troubling me at the time. And you know what I discovered? For one of them my prayers had been answered - the best case scenario had occurred. For one of them, my prayers had not been answered - well, not exactly anyway. God had exceeded my prayers and had given me more than I had thought to ask for. And the last one - well, that one God just decided to go ahead and get rid of for me. That dilemma completely ceased to exist.

How amazing!! What a testament to God's faithfulness! I still get excited as I think about those answered prayers. More than anything, I am amazed at how easily I had forgotten those responses from God and had to see them written down in order to remember. How tragic.

After professing renewed hope, I decided to try the same exercise with my current concern. I wrote down the details of what was causing me anxiety. I wrote what the worst case scenario would be. I wrote what the best case scenario would be. And then I tucked it away with its predecessors and can honestly say that I haven't felt anxious since.

And you know what? I have every reason to believe that as I keep seeking God and His will for my life, that this time next year I will be able to pull out that sheet of paper and give thanks for the answered prayer upon it.

"Its impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that He exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him" (Hebrews 11:6, Message)

Retrospect

I was looking at Finn the other day, trying to figure out who he looks like. I wanted to find Matt's and my baby pictures to compare and contrast, but the only baby pictures of Matt that we have in our house are on our wedding picture video - you know, those cheesy ones where you try to compile your whole photographed life in 7 minutes set to music. Anyway, I had fun watching and re-watching it...but I still can't tell who Finn looks like! I guess he just looks like Finn :). Here is the video...in all its glory...I had to upload it onto our Mac and put different songs to it (I was constrained to ones that were on our Mac I-tunes), but it is still pretty enjoyable!

Grace

The other night Matt and I were laying on the floor with Finn and doing devotions together. We have this thing where one of us will read from the Bible and the other will pray. I think we both prefer the reading out loud part, so it is the best way to keep it fair :). It was my turn to read and as I did, Finn was talking and jabbering on like crazy. When I stopped to laugh at him, he would just smile away. Then I would begin reading again and his jabbering continued. It was then Matt's turn to pray and as soon as he started talking, Finn joined right in and cooed in time with his daddy. It was adorable and one of those moments when I was able to just pause and think, "Wow, life is good".

Life is good because of God's blessings, plain and simple. I am blown away sometimes at his graciousness to me and the many ways that He shows me He loves me.

When I was pregnant with Finn, I had a list of things that I prayed for every day. Obviously I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. But there were a couple things I prayed for that were a little less generic.

For most of my last trimester, I dealt with some early signs of preeclampsia. I had high blood pressure (sometimes ridiculously so) and lots and lots of swelling (ugggggghhh). I knew how dangerous preeclampsia could be, so from the moment those symptoms popped up, I prayed that I would not be diagnosed with it. Even though there were a couple of scares with my high blood pressure, each time the doctor assured me that I did not have preeclampsia. This continued until the day that Finn was born. While we were still in the hospital after his birth, the on call doctor came in to check on me and she informed me that it was a wonderful thing that my water had broken when it did because my test results taken that night showed positive for the beginning stages of preeclampsia. Basically, if my water hadn't broken when it did, my pregnancy and delivery could have become much more complicated and dangerous. I believe fully that this was an answer to prayer.

The second thing that I prayed for was a little more personal. I really wanted the experience of going into labor on my own. I knew a lot of friends and family that had to be induced for various reasons and I simply had a strong desire to go into labor on my own. The excitement of labor just starting out of nowhere was too much for this drama queen to want to pass up :). Ironically, it was the day that we made the appointment for our induction that my water broke. My doctor thought that I was crazy for not scheduling the induction sooner because my swelling was so out of control, but I clung to hope that Finners would come on his own. And come he did, later that night!

I guess I shared all this just as a personal testament to God's goodness. I am well aware that He did not have to answer these meager requests but He did because, for whatever reason, He loves me and thereby He loves to bless me. Isaiah 30:18 says that "God longs to be gracious to you". He delights in showing His love - to all of us, in ways that we don't even see all the time.

Now that Finn is here (in my arms drifting off to sleep as I type!) I am reminded of God's love and graciousness much more often. And I look forward to Finn interrupting a thousand more family devotions with his cooing, laughing, talking, questions, input, and all-around sweetness!