We were exactly in the middle of our month long missions trip to South Africa. I, along with a few others, were randomly selected to go and speak at a women's prison just outside of Cape Town. We drove through the imposing gates of the prison and as we walked inside, steel door after steel door closed loudly behind us, locking us into the dreary building.
We started our time with worship. None of us had a guitar or piano, but we had a kickin' boombox and a cd. We got through the first song, no problem. We may have gotten through the second song as well, I cannot remember; the details have gotten a little foggy in the last ten years. Another song started playing; it was "You Raise Me Up", which was at it's peak of popularity.
I will never forget the way that these ladies joined in. Their faces shone with encouragement as they sang the words of this song.
And then, the cd started skipping. Our kickin' boombox was kicking it towards a slow death. I started praying that the song would start working. It was easy to see this song was ministering to these women and I was totally overwhelmed and intimidated at the thoughts of what could happen if we upset them or let them down. I was naive.
The song stopped playing entirely. I looked around the room with frightened eyes for one brief moment until...
the women kept right on singing. They were not going to let a boombox dinosaur ruin the moment that they were having with the song.
The singing filled the room and each face only became more beautiful.
It was a holy moment.
The ladies were in unfortunate circumstances in their lives. Truly, none of them were exactly where they desired to be. They had been met with hardship and mistakes and loneliness. Yet, they kept singing.
It reminds me of King David and his precious Psalms. There are plenty of psalms that were written in the midst of his life's pain. In the persecution, David wrote and sang. In the rejection, David wrote and sang. In his sin and shame, David wrote and sang.
His psalms speak still today that God can be found at the rock bottom of our circumstances. Each melancholy psalm pours forth its pain and then directs its gaze instead on the beauty and sovereignty of the Lord.
David too, kept singing. He let the song in his heart carry him through the storm directly into the presence of God.
Psalm 4: David begins with, "How long, exalted men, will my honor be insulted? How long will you love what is worthless and pursue a lie?" (v 2) and he ends with "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and new wine abound. I will both lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, Lord, make me live in safety." (vv 7-8)
Psalm 5: David begins, "Listen to my words, Lord; consider my sighing. Pay attention to my cry, my King and my God, for I pray to you." (v 1) and ends, "But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them shout for joy forever. May You shelter them, and may those who love Your name boast about You. For You, Lord, bless the righteous one; You surround him with favor like a shield." ( vv 11-12)
Psalm 6: David begins, "Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger; do not disciplines me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror. And You, Lord - how long?" (vv 1-3) and he ends with, "The Lord has heard my plea for help; the Lord accepts my prayer." (v 9).
These are just three examples from a single page of Scripture. Each psalm ends in hope. David and the other psalmists poured out their prayers, focused on God's goodness, and found their burdens lifted (except psalm 88, which ends on a painful note. But that's another blog...)
Sometimes the song can speak the words that we cannot.
When we were pregnant with Ezra and had received the report that he may have chromosomal abnormalities, we had to wait until we could follow up on that report. It was a vicious five days of waiting and wondering.
During those moments when the fear tried to choke me, I would sit at our piano and play the only song that would bring me comfort: "Good, Good Father". I would sing through tears streaming down my face and dwell on His goodness. There, sitting at the piano and focused on Him, I could truly accept whatever fate awaited my precious baby.
I kept singing. It was all that I could do.
When your circumstances are not all that you wish they were, keep singing.
When pressures are pushing in at you from every side, keep singing.
When your heart is broken and battered, keep singing.
When anxieties threaten to tear you apart on the inside, keep singing.
When the loneliness is stifling, keep singing.
When you cannot do anything else, keep singing.
In the singing, you will find Him.
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God's love. Show all posts
Monday, December 5, 2016
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Ezra's Birth Story
With each of my boys, one way I have loved celebrating their first birthdays is by remembering and documenting their birth stories.
I feel a little sheepish because I don't remember a ton of details from Ezra's birth. It was so uncomplicated that I have not told and retold the story dozens of times in the last year.
Finn's birth story was such a surprise, and Jonas' had so many complications; I told those over and over again.
Ezra's, in so many words, was contractions, active labor, birth. The end.
Yet as I have paused to really think through those days, there are so many little things hiding beneath the surface of those obvious details.
For one thing, he was my first baby that made me see my due date come...and go. As my due date was October 16 and Finn and Jonas had each come a few days early, I was hopeful from the very beginning that he would be born on the 13th. That is the anniversary of my brother's death, and I thought it would be super cool to redeem that date a little.
The 13th came and went. So did the 14th, 15th, and 16th. Ugh, and the 17th.
For about three nights before he came, I was up often in the middle of the night with contractions. Each night they got a little stronger and I would wake up so hopeful that the day had come! Yet they died down about the same time the sun came up. We had our 40 week checkup on Friday, October 16 and I was only dilated to a 1.5. This was after a couple nights of contractions. I was fairly discouraged, but my doctor said she thought I may not make it through the weekend. But grudgingly, I had to set up another checkup for 41 weeks...just in case.
The night of the 17th they were particularly strong. By the time it was time to get up for the day, I was gripping my pillow through the contractions and was having a difficult time talking through them. It was a Sunday morning. I remember being so thankful that Matt had someone to cover for him at church that morning, as I did not think I could manage the contractions and parenting our two young boys through the morning hours.
I was planning to ride the contractions out at home for a few more hours, but my mom convinced me to at least call the doctor and tell her what was happening. Her nurse called back and let me know that I should probably come in.
Walking into the building, I had to stop several times as contractions hit. They were definitely strong, and I was so hopeful that they were productive and that we would not get sent right back home.
When they checked me at the hospital, I was dilated to a 6 - HALLELUJAH!!!
They checked me in, and I got fairly comfortable, and I got my sweet, sweet epidural. One of my prayers for this birth was to have excellent nurses and to have a doctor in the room upon birth. I had learned with Jonas how vital a great nurse can be. God answered my prayer, and then some. We had the most amazing nurse named Molly, who was attentive and fun and communicative. She was exactly what I needed.
After a few hours of my contractions amping up and then relaxing, they decided to give me a dose of pitocin to see if they could move it along a bit. Within the next hour, I was ready to push. And about an hour after that, sweet Ezra Adam made his appearance at 4:08 p.m. Not only was there a doctor in the room, but a doctor and a student and 3 or 4 nurses. We were more than cared for.
Recovery was easy, especially in comparison to my others boys. I was up walking around that evening. This turned out to be a huge blessing; Matt's mom, who was watching Finn and Jonas, had not been feeling well. Since she is a warrior, she watched them without complaining. Yet we knew at that time that something more was going on. So Matt made himself more available to help her with the big boys, and I bonded with Ezra.
From the moment I got home, I was able to dive right in and keep things running. The adjustment to having three kids was fairly smooth, simply because I felt fine for the most part.
Ezra became and remained my sweet cuddle bug; he loved to be held. It was difficult to put him down sometimes!
I look back at the past year and everything that God has seen us through. There are many sweet memories, and many painful ones. Ezra came into this complicated world in an uncomplicated way. His name means "Help" and he is a reminder that God always gives us the help we need when we need it. He is a reminder, always, of God's faithfulness and goodness.
Monday, August 15, 2016
Big Old, Bright Red Target - Armor of God Intro
I knew I was asking for it.
I knew that if I took the necessary steps to teach this Bible study, it would be drawing a target on my back. I knew that God would want to walk me through what I was teaching before I got up in front of His precious women and acted like I knew what I was talking about. I knew that the information from the Bible study could change lives.
So I fought it for a few weeks. I bided my time. And then, finally, I allowed the big old, bright red target to be drawn on my back. I asked for it.
I signed on to teach the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer at my church. It has been a fabulous, difficult summer of learning and teaching! But I am not stopping there, no. I feel as though I am also supposed to write about the things that I learned and taught throughout this summer. God has seen me through so much. He's incredibly faithful. Maybe there is someone who could not attend the class but will read these words so that the powerful truth from this study can continue impacting and changing lives.
That's my hope, anyway.
Being more timid by nature, I tend to like to fly under the radar. But I have learned over time that that tactic absolutely does not work. Somehow, some way, I still get targeted; perhaps you feel the same? We may as well embrace it and wield the tools that can help us to battle.
My pastor gave a sermon a few weeks ago on the things that get under our skin and fire us up with a holy passion. That resonated with me because something immediately jumped to my mind that made it personal: I get passionately worked up when I hear of women who struggle with anxiety and depression.
The numbers are staggering, and they make me angry. And that, essentially, is why I chose to teach about the armor of God. Because there is a specific plan for battle, and victory is ours. We just need to live it.
Since Eve, the enemy has relished targeting women. I believe that the enemy loves to target women through our tender spots: our emotions and relationships.
Maybe you struggle with fearful thoughts and imagining worst case scenarios.
Maybe you are tired from fighting off thoughts of sadness and hopelessness.
Maybe you feel sick about how you cannot keep your temper and emotions under control.
Maybe you feel like a relational leper because you cannot seem to love others in healthy ways.
Maybe you let people walk all over you and have never felt loved in a way that feeds your soul.
Maybe you feel tied up in knots because of a fight that never seems to resolve.
Many days we feel like we're losing the battle. But it doesn't have to be that way.
In God's hands, our emotions and gift for relationship, the things that Satan wants to use to bring us down, can become strengths.
Yet, in order to win the battle, we must first suit up.
Ephesians 6:10-18:
"Finally, receive your power from the Lord and from his mighty strength. Put on all the armor that God supplies. In this way you can take a stand against the devil's strategies. This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world. For this reason, take up all the armor that God supplies. Then you will be able to take a stand during these evil days. Once you have overcome all obstacles, you will be able to stand your ground. So then, take your stand! Fasten truth around your waist like a belt. Put on God's approval as your breastplate. Put on your shoes so that you are ready to spread the Good News that gives peace. In addition to all these, take the Christian faith as your shield. With it you can put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Also take salvation as your helmet and the word of God as the sword that the Spirit supplies. Pray in the Spirit in every situation. Use every kind of prayer and request there is. For the same reason be alert. Use every kind of effort and make every kind of request for all of God's people".
I knew that if I took the necessary steps to teach this Bible study, it would be drawing a target on my back. I knew that God would want to walk me through what I was teaching before I got up in front of His precious women and acted like I knew what I was talking about. I knew that the information from the Bible study could change lives.
So I fought it for a few weeks. I bided my time. And then, finally, I allowed the big old, bright red target to be drawn on my back. I asked for it.
I signed on to teach the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer at my church. It has been a fabulous, difficult summer of learning and teaching! But I am not stopping there, no. I feel as though I am also supposed to write about the things that I learned and taught throughout this summer. God has seen me through so much. He's incredibly faithful. Maybe there is someone who could not attend the class but will read these words so that the powerful truth from this study can continue impacting and changing lives.
That's my hope, anyway.
Being more timid by nature, I tend to like to fly under the radar. But I have learned over time that that tactic absolutely does not work. Somehow, some way, I still get targeted; perhaps you feel the same? We may as well embrace it and wield the tools that can help us to battle.
My pastor gave a sermon a few weeks ago on the things that get under our skin and fire us up with a holy passion. That resonated with me because something immediately jumped to my mind that made it personal: I get passionately worked up when I hear of women who struggle with anxiety and depression.
The numbers are staggering, and they make me angry. And that, essentially, is why I chose to teach about the armor of God. Because there is a specific plan for battle, and victory is ours. We just need to live it.
Since Eve, the enemy has relished targeting women. I believe that the enemy loves to target women through our tender spots: our emotions and relationships.
Maybe you struggle with fearful thoughts and imagining worst case scenarios.
Maybe you are tired from fighting off thoughts of sadness and hopelessness.
Maybe you feel sick about how you cannot keep your temper and emotions under control.
Maybe you feel like a relational leper because you cannot seem to love others in healthy ways.
Maybe you let people walk all over you and have never felt loved in a way that feeds your soul.
Maybe you feel tied up in knots because of a fight that never seems to resolve.
Many days we feel like we're losing the battle. But it doesn't have to be that way.
In God's hands, our emotions and gift for relationship, the things that Satan wants to use to bring us down, can become strengths.
Yet, in order to win the battle, we must first suit up.
Ephesians 6:10-18:
"Finally, receive your power from the Lord and from his mighty strength. Put on all the armor that God supplies. In this way you can take a stand against the devil's strategies. This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world. For this reason, take up all the armor that God supplies. Then you will be able to take a stand during these evil days. Once you have overcome all obstacles, you will be able to stand your ground. So then, take your stand! Fasten truth around your waist like a belt. Put on God's approval as your breastplate. Put on your shoes so that you are ready to spread the Good News that gives peace. In addition to all these, take the Christian faith as your shield. With it you can put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Also take salvation as your helmet and the word of God as the sword that the Spirit supplies. Pray in the Spirit in every situation. Use every kind of prayer and request there is. For the same reason be alert. Use every kind of effort and make every kind of request for all of God's people".
Friday, July 15, 2016
Be Still and Start Moving
It has been a tough summer for me. God has been chiseling away at any place in my life where I have sought a safe place, other than Him. Relationships. Health. Ministry. Food. Finances. Relationships (again and again and again).
At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.
And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning, and waiting.
I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.
Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.
It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.
"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"
There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.
1. Following my own instincts
We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."
I let him lead, because he insisted upon it. But I knew the way to our destination; if he got too far off track, I could always take control and redirect. So we meandered a bit, but still reached home. If I had led the way home, we would have gotten there quicker. But 5 year old boys really like to lead the way.
Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.
We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.
Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.
But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.
2. Follow the Leader
I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.
Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.
One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.
One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.
Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).
Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?
Both.
The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.
The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom. "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).
As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.
But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.
The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.
But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.
"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16
At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.
And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning, and waiting.
I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.
Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.
It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.
"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"
There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.
1. Following my own instincts
We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."
Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.
We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.
Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.
But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.
2. Follow the Leader
I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.
Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.
One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.
One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.
Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).
Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?
Both.
The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.
The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom. "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).
As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.
But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.
The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.
But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.
"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16
Monday, March 21, 2016
To the Woman Who is Afraid to Ask for Big Things
To the Woman Who is Afraid to Ask for Big Things,
Maybe it's healing. Maybe it's a relational issue. Maybe it's a financial miracle.
I understand. I've been there too, hesitant and timid. I know what it is like to wait and wait and wait some more, refusing to ask because I was not sure that what I wanted would ever happen for me.
I also know what is it is like to be so incredibly sick of waiting that I would try to seize control for myself, most often with disastrous results.
All the while, I was refusing to ask for what I really wanted.
So I would endlessly wait. And I would needlessly control.
It felt safer than asking. It felt easier. I could handle waiting and I could handle pseudo-control, but there were many reasons that I felt I could not ask God for a miraculous movement.
At various times:
I have felt invisible and unseen by God and man.
I have felt like I don't have anything to offer in return.
I have felt like my request would probably just get rejected anyway, because rejection was the norm.
I have felt let down and disappointed by God.
I have felt like too much and yet not enough at the same time.
I have felt afraid to draw attention to myself.
I have felt bound.
If you're afraid to ask for big things from God, perhaps you identify with one or more of those reasons? I wonder if you were reading those through and one of them shot through your heart like an arrow?
Ugh, my friend, I understand. The frustration and the anxiety and the tension, I get it. I wish I could see you face to face and laser shoot hope from my eyes to yours. I'm not very touchy feely, but I wish I could give you a hug and before I let you go I would shake you a little in order to snap you out of it.
I wish I could tell you to your face that even when it feels impossible or improbable or a total waste of time, I greatly encourage you to ask.
Can I tell you why?
The Bible is full of women who were afraid to ask much of Jesus. And yet they received what they really needed.
* If you feel invisible and unseen, I would point out the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:21-28.
She was pointedly ignored by Jesus, but a fighter spirit arose within her and she debated with the Son of God. This did not annoy Jesus but impressed him: "Woman, your faith is great. Let it be done for you as you want." (v28). Please know that God is the The God Who Sees (Genesis 16:11-15). When you feel pushed aside and unimportant, He sees you and He knows you. He loves you.
*If you feel like you have nothing to offer, I would direct you to the poor widow in Luke 21:1-4.
She did not have much, but what she did have was highly honored. What you have may not have high esteem with man, but when it is surrendered to Jesus, it can be multiplied and empowered beyond anything you could dream. You just have to bring what's in your hand.
*If you expect rejection, I would show you the woman at the well in John 4:4-26.
In cultural terms, Jesus surely shouldn't have bothered with her, as they had opposing religious backgrounds. In social terms, a great rabbi should not concern himself with a woman with questionable morals. Even Christ's disciples wondered why he was speaking with her. But he engaged her and pursued conversation and invited her despite every reason not to. God doesn't see all the reasons not to bother with you. He looks at you and sees possibility.
*If you've felt let down by Jesus before, I would ask you to read about Mary and Martha in John 11:17-43.
These women were close friends with Jesus. They trusted him and expected great things from him. But he didn't move the way they expected. He moved in a way that caused them great grief and pain. They had no way to know how miraculously God was about to move, but in order to do so, he needed to allow the wounding first. He still heard their cry and he still moved in their pain, but it had to be in a way that would more greatly display his power.
*If you are afraid to draw attention to yourself, I would direct you to the sick woman in Luke 8:42-49.
She desperately needed a divine touch, but was lost in crowd. She knew if she could just get close enough to him, that healing was available. She had great expectation for what he could do, but had little opportunity to ask for it. This woman had struggled for years with an ailment that isolated her. She was used to managing on her own, and when she had put her faith in others they had fallen woefully short of the help they promised. Yet when she reached out to Jesus, she was healed. Not only was she healed, she also found belonging, as the Son of God called her "Daughter."
*If you feel bound, I would want you to read about the crippled woman in Luke 13:10-17.
She was bound so severely that she stood out in the crowd. She was different, her daily life drastically affected and setting her apart. Jesus recognized what was keeping her crippled. He called it out and untied her from her bondage in a moment. The text doesn't even say that this woman showed up to hear Jesus teach that day. We don't know if she even knew who he was. He healed her because he desired freedom for her. He used a woman cast aside and discarded to display his glory.
*Lastly, if you feel like too much yet not enough, you are my soul sister. I have felt that way for so much of my life. I would beg you to read about the sinful woman who anoints Jesus in Luke 7:36-46.
This woman comes to Jesus broken and ashamed. She knows the gravity of her sins and how they have weighed her down. She knows how short she has fallen. But she trusts that Jesus does what he said he could do. Forgive. As she weeps at his feet, the exhibition of her adoration baffles the others in the room. She's too much for them, and they don't understand why Jesus is even letting her touch him. In his marvelous mercy, he defends and protects this woman. In the presence of many, he forgives her and sends her in peace, honoring how much she loved him. The woman who was not enough yet too much had just ministered to the Son of God. What she could not do for herself, she allowed God to do for her when she had a revelation of His goodness and mercy.
Each of these women, ignored, poor, rejected, let down, broken, crippled, sinners.
The one thing they all have in common is that they needed something from Jesus. They asked in a variety of ways, and they received in a variety of ways.
But indeed they received exactly what they needed, because they came to the One "who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us" (Ephesians 3:20).
I am slowly learning that when I neglect to ask God for big things, I rob Him of the opportunity to be glorified. The only reason any of us are even here on earth is to give Him glory.
So to the woman who hesitates to ask of God, please learn from my mistakes. I encourage you: don't let prayer be your last resort. Allow prayer to be the very first step you take in your time of need.
Speak. Ask. Expect.
Give God the invitation into your situation and watch Him change the unchangeable in your life.
You can't be so invisible, that He doesn't see you.
You can't be so poor, that He can't use you.
You can't feel so rejected, that He doesn't love you enough for 1,000 who didn't.
You can't be so disappointed, that he won't redeem the situation.
You can't be so timid, that He doesn't know exactly what you need.
You can't be so bound, that He cannot absolutely free you.
You can't be too much for Him, that He doesn't delight in your love.
Maybe it's healing. Maybe it's a relational issue. Maybe it's a financial miracle.
I understand. I've been there too, hesitant and timid. I know what it is like to wait and wait and wait some more, refusing to ask because I was not sure that what I wanted would ever happen for me.
I also know what is it is like to be so incredibly sick of waiting that I would try to seize control for myself, most often with disastrous results.
All the while, I was refusing to ask for what I really wanted.
So I would endlessly wait. And I would needlessly control.
It felt safer than asking. It felt easier. I could handle waiting and I could handle pseudo-control, but there were many reasons that I felt I could not ask God for a miraculous movement.
At various times:
I have felt invisible and unseen by God and man.
I have felt like I don't have anything to offer in return.
I have felt like my request would probably just get rejected anyway, because rejection was the norm.
I have felt let down and disappointed by God.
I have felt like too much and yet not enough at the same time.
I have felt afraid to draw attention to myself.
I have felt bound.
If you're afraid to ask for big things from God, perhaps you identify with one or more of those reasons? I wonder if you were reading those through and one of them shot through your heart like an arrow?
Ugh, my friend, I understand. The frustration and the anxiety and the tension, I get it. I wish I could see you face to face and laser shoot hope from my eyes to yours. I'm not very touchy feely, but I wish I could give you a hug and before I let you go I would shake you a little in order to snap you out of it.
I wish I could tell you to your face that even when it feels impossible or improbable or a total waste of time, I greatly encourage you to ask.
Can I tell you why?
The Bible is full of women who were afraid to ask much of Jesus. And yet they received what they really needed.
* If you feel invisible and unseen, I would point out the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:21-28.
She was pointedly ignored by Jesus, but a fighter spirit arose within her and she debated with the Son of God. This did not annoy Jesus but impressed him: "Woman, your faith is great. Let it be done for you as you want." (v28). Please know that God is the The God Who Sees (Genesis 16:11-15). When you feel pushed aside and unimportant, He sees you and He knows you. He loves you.
*If you feel like you have nothing to offer, I would direct you to the poor widow in Luke 21:1-4.
She did not have much, but what she did have was highly honored. What you have may not have high esteem with man, but when it is surrendered to Jesus, it can be multiplied and empowered beyond anything you could dream. You just have to bring what's in your hand.
*If you expect rejection, I would show you the woman at the well in John 4:4-26.
In cultural terms, Jesus surely shouldn't have bothered with her, as they had opposing religious backgrounds. In social terms, a great rabbi should not concern himself with a woman with questionable morals. Even Christ's disciples wondered why he was speaking with her. But he engaged her and pursued conversation and invited her despite every reason not to. God doesn't see all the reasons not to bother with you. He looks at you and sees possibility.
*If you've felt let down by Jesus before, I would ask you to read about Mary and Martha in John 11:17-43.
These women were close friends with Jesus. They trusted him and expected great things from him. But he didn't move the way they expected. He moved in a way that caused them great grief and pain. They had no way to know how miraculously God was about to move, but in order to do so, he needed to allow the wounding first. He still heard their cry and he still moved in their pain, but it had to be in a way that would more greatly display his power.
*If you are afraid to draw attention to yourself, I would direct you to the sick woman in Luke 8:42-49.
She desperately needed a divine touch, but was lost in crowd. She knew if she could just get close enough to him, that healing was available. She had great expectation for what he could do, but had little opportunity to ask for it. This woman had struggled for years with an ailment that isolated her. She was used to managing on her own, and when she had put her faith in others they had fallen woefully short of the help they promised. Yet when she reached out to Jesus, she was healed. Not only was she healed, she also found belonging, as the Son of God called her "Daughter."
*If you feel bound, I would want you to read about the crippled woman in Luke 13:10-17.
She was bound so severely that she stood out in the crowd. She was different, her daily life drastically affected and setting her apart. Jesus recognized what was keeping her crippled. He called it out and untied her from her bondage in a moment. The text doesn't even say that this woman showed up to hear Jesus teach that day. We don't know if she even knew who he was. He healed her because he desired freedom for her. He used a woman cast aside and discarded to display his glory.
*Lastly, if you feel like too much yet not enough, you are my soul sister. I have felt that way for so much of my life. I would beg you to read about the sinful woman who anoints Jesus in Luke 7:36-46.
This woman comes to Jesus broken and ashamed. She knows the gravity of her sins and how they have weighed her down. She knows how short she has fallen. But she trusts that Jesus does what he said he could do. Forgive. As she weeps at his feet, the exhibition of her adoration baffles the others in the room. She's too much for them, and they don't understand why Jesus is even letting her touch him. In his marvelous mercy, he defends and protects this woman. In the presence of many, he forgives her and sends her in peace, honoring how much she loved him. The woman who was not enough yet too much had just ministered to the Son of God. What she could not do for herself, she allowed God to do for her when she had a revelation of His goodness and mercy.
The one thing they all have in common is that they needed something from Jesus. They asked in a variety of ways, and they received in a variety of ways.
But indeed they received exactly what they needed, because they came to the One "who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us" (Ephesians 3:20).
I am slowly learning that when I neglect to ask God for big things, I rob Him of the opportunity to be glorified. The only reason any of us are even here on earth is to give Him glory.
So to the woman who hesitates to ask of God, please learn from my mistakes. I encourage you: don't let prayer be your last resort. Allow prayer to be the very first step you take in your time of need.
Speak. Ask. Expect.
Give God the invitation into your situation and watch Him change the unchangeable in your life.
You can't be so invisible, that He doesn't see you.
You can't be so poor, that He can't use you.
You can't feel so rejected, that He doesn't love you enough for 1,000 who didn't.
You can't be so disappointed, that he won't redeem the situation.
You can't be so timid, that He doesn't know exactly what you need.
You can't be so bound, that He cannot absolutely free you.
You can't be too much for Him, that He doesn't delight in your love.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
How NOT to Help the Hurting
As my husband made his way to the church yesterday, his attention was drawn to a group of protesters outside the Planned Parenthood building. This is not a new sight to him; in fact, it's a fairly common one.
But something struck him differently yesterday. As he watched, one of the protestors yelled directly at a woman entering the building and waved her sign at her with reckless abandon.
Something in his heart hurt for that woman entering the building.
He parked his car and walked over to the protestors. Emboldened, he told them, "This is not Christ's love! The words on some of these signs are awful. I stand with you guys in your beliefs but the words on these signs and getting aggressively in their faces is not Christ's love. Talking with them and praying with them would show Christ's love more than this."
These signs said words like "Butchers", amongst other things.
I truly believe this is not the way Jesus would be dealing with these women. (Psalm 103:10-11)
Time after time during his years of ministry, Jesus used truthful, yet gentle words with those who were lost in sin and hurting.
To the Samaritan woman in John 4, he invites her to abundant life, then speaks to her in straight-forward fashion of the life she has been leading thus far. He didn't get in her face with a sign, but touched her heart through conversation. Verse 39 tells us that "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.'"
To the adulterous woman in John 8, he cleverly diverts those accusing her and in a moment, lavishes unexpected mercy on her. She expects a stone and receives new life instead. He does not condemn or shame her, but lets grace do its work and tells her to leave her life of sin.
To the rich young man in Mark 10, he answers his questions and when it comes to the moment when he knows the man will meet his stronghold, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him" before speaking the words that would make the man turn away to deal with his decision.
To the outcasts and sinners, Jesus abundantly gave love, freedom, healing, and acceptance.
The ones that Jesus spoke the most harshly with were actually the religiously pious. In Matthew 23 he minces no words towards the Pharisees calling them, in swift succession: hypocrites, blind guides, blind fools, blind men, snakes, and brood of vipers. These were men who were representing religion and the law, and they were so busy filling up their minds that they never let the truth of what they learned penetrate their hearts. They were hardened and unmerciful. If they had had a picket sign, they probably would have smacked someone over the head with it.
One of the reasons that what Matt did yesterday hit so close to home for me is because he did something that I was once unable to do. When I was living in Minneapolis, I remember driving past the Metrodome to signs that were shaming and condemning homosexuality. These signs had words so ugly on them that I don't even want to put them here.
I remember driving by with tears in my eyes and a breaking heart. One sign in particular boldly and stupidly declared that God hated homosexuals. I immediately pictured my friend Eric, who is homosexual. Eric and I had grown close. Eric and I talked often about God and I tried to answer his questions as well as I could, a bumbling Bible school student. I had repeatedly and consistently tried to both speak and model the love of Christ to Eric.
It broke my heart and made me angry that he could drive by the lies on those signs outside the Metrodome, and possibly ever believe that God hated him. Though incredibly angered that day, I did not stop. I drove away and let hate have the final word.
A surprising thing happened after Matt's conversation with the protestors yesterday. One of them came into the church and found him. She told him that he was right and that she didn't feel as though they were displaying Christ's love through the measures they were using. He talked with her and prayed with her, and she left with a new strategy to love the hurting.
As followers of Christ, there are absolutely harmful ways to spread our beliefs. These aggressive and selfish tactics only push away the ones that God so desperately wants us to reach.
Micah 7:18 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy".
If God delights in mercy, then I will seek every opportunity to show it. I am most like Christ when I extend grace and love to the lost and hurting, rather than slinging accusations at those who most need a tender word or gentle touch. Let us invite and invest rather than shame and condemn.
But something struck him differently yesterday. As he watched, one of the protestors yelled directly at a woman entering the building and waved her sign at her with reckless abandon.
Something in his heart hurt for that woman entering the building.
He parked his car and walked over to the protestors. Emboldened, he told them, "This is not Christ's love! The words on some of these signs are awful. I stand with you guys in your beliefs but the words on these signs and getting aggressively in their faces is not Christ's love. Talking with them and praying with them would show Christ's love more than this."
These signs said words like "Butchers", amongst other things.
I truly believe this is not the way Jesus would be dealing with these women. (Psalm 103:10-11)
Time after time during his years of ministry, Jesus used truthful, yet gentle words with those who were lost in sin and hurting.
To the Samaritan woman in John 4, he invites her to abundant life, then speaks to her in straight-forward fashion of the life she has been leading thus far. He didn't get in her face with a sign, but touched her heart through conversation. Verse 39 tells us that "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.'"
To the adulterous woman in John 8, he cleverly diverts those accusing her and in a moment, lavishes unexpected mercy on her. She expects a stone and receives new life instead. He does not condemn or shame her, but lets grace do its work and tells her to leave her life of sin.
To the rich young man in Mark 10, he answers his questions and when it comes to the moment when he knows the man will meet his stronghold, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him" before speaking the words that would make the man turn away to deal with his decision.
To the outcasts and sinners, Jesus abundantly gave love, freedom, healing, and acceptance.
The ones that Jesus spoke the most harshly with were actually the religiously pious. In Matthew 23 he minces no words towards the Pharisees calling them, in swift succession: hypocrites, blind guides, blind fools, blind men, snakes, and brood of vipers. These were men who were representing religion and the law, and they were so busy filling up their minds that they never let the truth of what they learned penetrate their hearts. They were hardened and unmerciful. If they had had a picket sign, they probably would have smacked someone over the head with it.
One of the reasons that what Matt did yesterday hit so close to home for me is because he did something that I was once unable to do. When I was living in Minneapolis, I remember driving past the Metrodome to signs that were shaming and condemning homosexuality. These signs had words so ugly on them that I don't even want to put them here.
I remember driving by with tears in my eyes and a breaking heart. One sign in particular boldly and stupidly declared that God hated homosexuals. I immediately pictured my friend Eric, who is homosexual. Eric and I had grown close. Eric and I talked often about God and I tried to answer his questions as well as I could, a bumbling Bible school student. I had repeatedly and consistently tried to both speak and model the love of Christ to Eric.
It broke my heart and made me angry that he could drive by the lies on those signs outside the Metrodome, and possibly ever believe that God hated him. Though incredibly angered that day, I did not stop. I drove away and let hate have the final word.
A surprising thing happened after Matt's conversation with the protestors yesterday. One of them came into the church and found him. She told him that he was right and that she didn't feel as though they were displaying Christ's love through the measures they were using. He talked with her and prayed with her, and she left with a new strategy to love the hurting.
As followers of Christ, there are absolutely harmful ways to spread our beliefs. These aggressive and selfish tactics only push away the ones that God so desperately wants us to reach.
Micah 7:18 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy".
If God delights in mercy, then I will seek every opportunity to show it. I am most like Christ when I extend grace and love to the lost and hurting, rather than slinging accusations at those who most need a tender word or gentle touch. Let us invite and invest rather than shame and condemn.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
The Anxiety Monster and Singing
When I decided to start a blog 4+ years ago, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about every time. It ended up normally including some sort of parenting lesson I was learning courtesy of Finn, or commemorating some special event or memory in my life. It kept my love for writing alive.
I never thought that I could write about parenting techniques, because I certainly don't feel like an expert.
I never thought I could write about fashion or makeup, because I'm so not on the cusp of it.
I never thought I could write about tv shows or entertainment, because it feels kind of empty and fruitless.
I never thought I could write about fitness tips or tricks, because come on, let's get serious.
I didn't have any knowledge that could help a reader out.
So I just kind of wrote about our lives, and my personal experiences. I wrote about God nearly every time, because He's intensely personal to me.
Writing helps me process the chaos in my mind, and I guess I share it because truly, I hope others can identify and get something out of what I've walked through. Let's all just be messes together, am I right?
One of the biggest insecurities I have about putting our lives out there is, "Gretchen, do you really think people care? How many stories can you tell about yourself, really? Are you that self-involved that you can't talk about anything else?" The voices of insecurity play on inside my head.
But really, I write about my stories because my personal experience is the only thing I feel like I am an expert at.
However, the other night, I was with my best friend and we got on the topic of how we often go through hard times so that we are able to better help others through similar circumstances (2 Corinthians 1). I shared with her how I've been able to help many of our young adult women through anxiety because it's a monster in my life that I've had to learn to conquer. I've been able to use my personal experience with it to teach others about walking through it in the strength of God.
I said to Chanelle, "I could probably just keep a blog all about anxiety and how to deal with it on a daily basis."
I've dealt with anxiety so much that sometimes I feel like an expert at it.
For the past year and a half or so, my anxiety has flared up every time I am to sing in public. Now, I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of people, but that was just the shy girl in me. Since last February, however, it has been a much more intense, sometimes debilitating fear. So debilitating in fact, that I have been tempted to walk away from it entirely: "Maybe God just never meant for me to be a singer and I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not".
I've never counted myself as the best singer in any room, especially any room that my husband is in, but it is something I have genuinely loved all my life. I come alive when I hear music. I have music going constantly at home. Even when it's silent I'm usually singing whatever song is stuck in my head at that moment. I love to connect to God through music; I love looking at Him through lyrics and singing them, meaning every word with all my heart. I feel His presence in those moments.
But I had allowed the joy of singing to be stolen from me by giving anxiety a foothold - again - in my mind. Every time I was to sing in public, I became petrified that my voice was going to give out on me. I consistently thought that my throat felt scratchy and agitated. For days before singing, I would avoid talking on the phone, having long conversations with my husband, and even reading books to my boys in order to "save" my voice. It began to take over my life on those days.
Nobody has ever argued that anxiety is always rational, after all.
When I realized that I had allowed something I loved very much to be tarnished by anxiety, I began to get angry. It has been my experience that anger can be a healthy antidote to anxiety. It shows a fighting spirit and an unwillingness to back down to the bully that is anxiety.
Anxiety has to be fought. It will not go away on it's own. The more leeway it is given, the more it takes over. One has to be more stubborn than it - choosing over and over again, 100 times a day if needed - to focus on faith more than fear.
I'm still not totally over this particular battle. It continues to be a mental boxing match, but oh, the strides that have been taken. After all, sometimes battles are won slowly.
Each time I get up and sing even when I'm afraid, I put one more nail in the coffin of anxiety.
I now refuse to stifle my voice in the days beforehand, choosing to believe that God will use my voice as long as it's offered, and whether it's tired or not.
This whole singing ordeal has been one more ride on the anxiety carousel for me. Although it has been suffocating and frustrating and humiliating to the point that I only spoke of it with those closest to me, it has taught me more about the anxiety monster and more about the faithfulness of God. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
This past weekend I was leading a song for worship and began feeling anxious as soon as my husband told me on Wednesday evening. Thursday I happened to read this: "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe." (Mark 5:36).
That's God's grace, right there. I repeated that verse to myself over and over again during the next few days. I acted on it, willing myself away from anxious thoughts and focusing on belief. It carried me up to the moment I opened my mouth to sing.
Showing up afraid and singing anyway helps me to defeat the anxiety monster.
I can give you names of sermons I've listened to and books I've read and and verses I've memorized and songs I've heard that have helped me immensely against anxiety.
But, truly, the greatest weapon that I have found in defeating it totally lies in one thing: trusting that God loves me.
When I trust that God loves me, I am able to surrender to whatever His plans are for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I can relax in His ability to care for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I know He works all things - even hard things - for good.
When I trust that God loves me, I honor Him.
Nothing, truly, matters more than that.
I never thought that I could write about parenting techniques, because I certainly don't feel like an expert.
I never thought I could write about fashion or makeup, because I'm so not on the cusp of it.
I never thought I could write about tv shows or entertainment, because it feels kind of empty and fruitless.
I never thought I could write about fitness tips or tricks, because come on, let's get serious.
I didn't have any knowledge that could help a reader out.
So I just kind of wrote about our lives, and my personal experiences. I wrote about God nearly every time, because He's intensely personal to me.
Writing helps me process the chaos in my mind, and I guess I share it because truly, I hope others can identify and get something out of what I've walked through. Let's all just be messes together, am I right?
One of the biggest insecurities I have about putting our lives out there is, "Gretchen, do you really think people care? How many stories can you tell about yourself, really? Are you that self-involved that you can't talk about anything else?" The voices of insecurity play on inside my head.
But really, I write about my stories because my personal experience is the only thing I feel like I am an expert at.
However, the other night, I was with my best friend and we got on the topic of how we often go through hard times so that we are able to better help others through similar circumstances (2 Corinthians 1). I shared with her how I've been able to help many of our young adult women through anxiety because it's a monster in my life that I've had to learn to conquer. I've been able to use my personal experience with it to teach others about walking through it in the strength of God.
I said to Chanelle, "I could probably just keep a blog all about anxiety and how to deal with it on a daily basis."
I've dealt with anxiety so much that sometimes I feel like an expert at it.
For the past year and a half or so, my anxiety has flared up every time I am to sing in public. Now, I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of people, but that was just the shy girl in me. Since last February, however, it has been a much more intense, sometimes debilitating fear. So debilitating in fact, that I have been tempted to walk away from it entirely: "Maybe God just never meant for me to be a singer and I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not".
I've never counted myself as the best singer in any room, especially any room that my husband is in, but it is something I have genuinely loved all my life. I come alive when I hear music. I have music going constantly at home. Even when it's silent I'm usually singing whatever song is stuck in my head at that moment. I love to connect to God through music; I love looking at Him through lyrics and singing them, meaning every word with all my heart. I feel His presence in those moments.
But I had allowed the joy of singing to be stolen from me by giving anxiety a foothold - again - in my mind. Every time I was to sing in public, I became petrified that my voice was going to give out on me. I consistently thought that my throat felt scratchy and agitated. For days before singing, I would avoid talking on the phone, having long conversations with my husband, and even reading books to my boys in order to "save" my voice. It began to take over my life on those days.
Nobody has ever argued that anxiety is always rational, after all.
When I realized that I had allowed something I loved very much to be tarnished by anxiety, I began to get angry. It has been my experience that anger can be a healthy antidote to anxiety. It shows a fighting spirit and an unwillingness to back down to the bully that is anxiety.
Anxiety has to be fought. It will not go away on it's own. The more leeway it is given, the more it takes over. One has to be more stubborn than it - choosing over and over again, 100 times a day if needed - to focus on faith more than fear.
I'm still not totally over this particular battle. It continues to be a mental boxing match, but oh, the strides that have been taken. After all, sometimes battles are won slowly.
Each time I get up and sing even when I'm afraid, I put one more nail in the coffin of anxiety.
I now refuse to stifle my voice in the days beforehand, choosing to believe that God will use my voice as long as it's offered, and whether it's tired or not.
This whole singing ordeal has been one more ride on the anxiety carousel for me. Although it has been suffocating and frustrating and humiliating to the point that I only spoke of it with those closest to me, it has taught me more about the anxiety monster and more about the faithfulness of God. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
This past weekend I was leading a song for worship and began feeling anxious as soon as my husband told me on Wednesday evening. Thursday I happened to read this: "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe." (Mark 5:36).
That's God's grace, right there. I repeated that verse to myself over and over again during the next few days. I acted on it, willing myself away from anxious thoughts and focusing on belief. It carried me up to the moment I opened my mouth to sing.
Showing up afraid and singing anyway helps me to defeat the anxiety monster.
I can give you names of sermons I've listened to and books I've read and and verses I've memorized and songs I've heard that have helped me immensely against anxiety.
But, truly, the greatest weapon that I have found in defeating it totally lies in one thing: trusting that God loves me.
When I trust that God loves me, I am able to surrender to whatever His plans are for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I can relax in His ability to care for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I know He works all things - even hard things - for good.
When I trust that God loves me, I honor Him.
Nothing, truly, matters more than that.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Gratitude, the Fair, and My Nostrils
I woke up this morning grateful to be able to breathe through my nose. It's something I take for granted too often, these nostrils of mine. But they really are a gift! Like, they just work, open for my breathing pleasure, and I don't have to think twice about it. Miraculous!
The past few days, my nostrils were not working so well. They were totally and completely clogged, congesting my breathing and causing my eyes to spring forth tears like a plentiful fountain. Many times did I protest in that time, "I JUST WANT TO BREATHE!"
I woke up this morning, breathing, beautifully breathing through my nose. It was fabulous, and I actually thanked God for nostrils. I'm not usually cognizant of my gratefulness for nostrils, in fact, I almost always take them for granted.
Being taken for granted is something most parents understand all too well. All of the little things we do on a daily basis go completely unnoticed. Shoot, many of the BIG things we do go unnoticed and thereby unappreciated.
This past week we took our boys to the fair for the first time. We figured Finn would love the rides and Jonas would love the food. Sure enough, the first couple of rides, Finn's face was a bright beam of sunshine and he excitedly and sweetly waited for the next ride.
But then something peculiar happened. Instead of lavishing us in thanks and adoration for the fun time he was having, he began to get a little greedy. He began taking the whole experience for granted. Suddenly his sweet, eager waiting became sour, impatient whining. He became picky about which rides to go on, begging us for whatever looked like the next big thrill.
We had to say "no" to a lot in that stretch of time. Every "no" was for his good.
"No" to the sleazy pirate fun house.
"No" to the funky looking roller coaster.
"No" to the spinning craziness his daddy can't bear to ride with him.
Eventually, due to tiredness or overstimulation or what have you, our boy was a crying, screaming, demanding spectacle. Long gone was the bright-eyed boy who was eager just to get to ride any ride. The joy was gone, the thrill was gone, the gratitude was gone.
It was evident to me in that moment exactly why gratitude is so important to God.
When Jesus healed the 10 lepers and only one returned to thank him (Luke 17), he most certainly noticed, asking, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?" The one who returned received a special blessing.
Without gratitude, we become spoiled brats: looking for the next thrill to get our adrenaline pumping, demanding the next big thing as though we deserve it, and forgetting that there is a gracious Hand behind it all.
Like the Israelites after their dramatic rescue from the Egyptians, we begin to whine and complain and focus on all that we do not have.
We take our eyes off of the God who parted the Red Sea for us and center our attention on ourselves.
When we forget to be grateful for the abundance of things He's already given us (breathing through one's nose, for example), we become instantly greedy for the next big blessing. "More, more, more!" becomes the cry of our heart, rather than the quiet beauty and strength of a soul surrendered to Him.
Choosing to be grateful puts us in proper relationship to God, humble before Him, acknowledging that every good thing is directly from His hand and out of His love for us.
It is remembering all that He has already done, the many ways He is presently showing His love for us, and all that He has promised to do.
Gratitude helps us to not take the little motorcycle ride for granted, and reminds us that if we are told we can't ride the Tilt a Whirl, it's most certainly for our own protection.
The fact that Finn acted demanding and selfish did not change my love for him in any measure. However, his behavior did require some discipline and reminded me that maybe he will need a bit more preparation before we try something that grandiose again.
There are reasons we do not have everything our hearts desire. There are reasons we go through times of waiting. There are reasons we feel lousy for being demanding and selfish.
"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son'. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined - and everyone undergoes discipline - then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:5-11
When we remember to be grateful for all that has been, all that is, and all that will be, our joy in this life is tangible. We honor God, but it's really just another strategy He uses to bless us and make us more like Himself.
That's His goodness, and that's what we choose to remember.
We had to say "no" to a lot in that stretch of time. Every "no" was for his good.
"No" to the sleazy pirate fun house.
"No" to the funky looking roller coaster.
"No" to the spinning craziness his daddy can't bear to ride with him.
Eventually, due to tiredness or overstimulation or what have you, our boy was a crying, screaming, demanding spectacle. Long gone was the bright-eyed boy who was eager just to get to ride any ride. The joy was gone, the thrill was gone, the gratitude was gone.
It was evident to me in that moment exactly why gratitude is so important to God.
When Jesus healed the 10 lepers and only one returned to thank him (Luke 17), he most certainly noticed, asking, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?" The one who returned received a special blessing.
Without gratitude, we become spoiled brats: looking for the next thrill to get our adrenaline pumping, demanding the next big thing as though we deserve it, and forgetting that there is a gracious Hand behind it all.
Like the Israelites after their dramatic rescue from the Egyptians, we begin to whine and complain and focus on all that we do not have.
We take our eyes off of the God who parted the Red Sea for us and center our attention on ourselves.
When we forget to be grateful for the abundance of things He's already given us (breathing through one's nose, for example), we become instantly greedy for the next big blessing. "More, more, more!" becomes the cry of our heart, rather than the quiet beauty and strength of a soul surrendered to Him.
Choosing to be grateful puts us in proper relationship to God, humble before Him, acknowledging that every good thing is directly from His hand and out of His love for us.
It is remembering all that He has already done, the many ways He is presently showing His love for us, and all that He has promised to do.
Gratitude helps us to not take the little motorcycle ride for granted, and reminds us that if we are told we can't ride the Tilt a Whirl, it's most certainly for our own protection.
The fact that Finn acted demanding and selfish did not change my love for him in any measure. However, his behavior did require some discipline and reminded me that maybe he will need a bit more preparation before we try something that grandiose again.
There are reasons we do not have everything our hearts desire. There are reasons we go through times of waiting. There are reasons we feel lousy for being demanding and selfish.
"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son'. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined - and everyone undergoes discipline - then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:5-11
When we remember to be grateful for all that has been, all that is, and all that will be, our joy in this life is tangible. We honor God, but it's really just another strategy He uses to bless us and make us more like Himself.
That's His goodness, and that's what we choose to remember.
Friday, May 29, 2015
"Help"
I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.
There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.
With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.
Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.
This one has proven a bit different.
We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.
A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.
One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.
When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.
Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.
Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".
I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.
Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.
When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.
Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!
We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.
Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.
There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.
With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.
Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.
This one has proven a bit different.
We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.
I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.
A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.
One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.
When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.
Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.
Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".
I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.
Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.
When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.
Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!
We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.
Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
Stubborn Choice
So, I wish that I could say that since my last blog, I have been living in total victory over discouragement.
In all actuality, the opposite is probably true. Life has not magically gotten easier. I didn't crack the code of some long kept ancient secret to never being discouraged.
Days are still hard and it is still a daily battle and it truly takes a stubborn choice sometimes to NOT be discouraged.
Over the weekend, I had the most annoying strain of stomach virus. I use the word annoying because it made me feel just sick enough: my body was achy and sick, but my mind was jetting around inside of my head, trying to beckon me to do the enormous list of things I knew needed to be done.
Talk about frustration. I can't turn my brain off and I can't find my body's on switch. I felt helpless and hopeless and just so very, very sad. Maybe a little sorry for myself. It was the 4th time I have been sick during this pregnancy, other than the standard nausea and exhaustion, and I was just so very done.
The last time I remember feeling this way was right after Jonas was born. I was so eager to get up and get moving and conquer the world of mothering two sweet boys.
I just couldn't.
The postpartum period was rough with Jonas because of the physical effects of the labor. While my mind was aching to use my "I'm a mother of TWO" anxiety to get active and prove to everyone (to myself) that I could do this, my body just simply would not cooperate.
I could barely walk. I could barely sit.
I could lay pretty well though, so there's that.
I had to accept others' help, rather than prove to everyone (to myself) that I could successfully mother two boys.
It was frustrating, but it was a phase.
So I try to keep that in mind as I feel like I deal with one sickness after another, one nauseous day after another, one lousy night of sleep after another.
It is frustrating, but it is a phase.
In the midst of dealing with all of these physical symptoms, I am clearly feeling some mental anxiety about having a third child. I am nervous. I don't feel like the natural mothering type and I am very hard on myself and I compare myself to others who do it so much better and I spin myself into circles and then into knots.
I so badly want to be amazing at this but so often do not feel like I am.
I want to prove to everyone (to myself) that I am a good mother.
Then yesterday morning I read it.
"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." Romans 4:4-5 MSG
In that moment, I was blissfully reminded that I cannot do it "all", nor am I expected to.
When mothering feels overwhelming to me and I feel so far less than excellent at it, I remember the help that is at my right hand by calling on God. My Deliverer, my Helper, the God Who sees me.
It honestly brings a sigh of relief to my exhausted body when I bask in the reality of His help. I know it not just as something that I read about in His Word, but as something that is true and lasting and comes right when I need it. I've called out for His help in a moment of despair or confusion and felt the immediate lightening of my problem.
I state here and now that I am not a perfect mother by my own abilities. I am far too often overwhelmed by all that I feel needs to be done and yet underwhelmed by what I feel are my own abilities.
But when I call on God and trust Him to act, I have all the help I will ever need.
Breathe. Relax. Trust.
In all actuality, the opposite is probably true. Life has not magically gotten easier. I didn't crack the code of some long kept ancient secret to never being discouraged.
Days are still hard and it is still a daily battle and it truly takes a stubborn choice sometimes to NOT be discouraged.
Over the weekend, I had the most annoying strain of stomach virus. I use the word annoying because it made me feel just sick enough: my body was achy and sick, but my mind was jetting around inside of my head, trying to beckon me to do the enormous list of things I knew needed to be done.
Talk about frustration. I can't turn my brain off and I can't find my body's on switch. I felt helpless and hopeless and just so very, very sad. Maybe a little sorry for myself. It was the 4th time I have been sick during this pregnancy, other than the standard nausea and exhaustion, and I was just so very done.
The last time I remember feeling this way was right after Jonas was born. I was so eager to get up and get moving and conquer the world of mothering two sweet boys.
I just couldn't.
The postpartum period was rough with Jonas because of the physical effects of the labor. While my mind was aching to use my "I'm a mother of TWO" anxiety to get active and prove to everyone (to myself) that I could do this, my body just simply would not cooperate.
I could barely walk. I could barely sit.
I could lay pretty well though, so there's that.
I had to accept others' help, rather than prove to everyone (to myself) that I could successfully mother two boys.
It was frustrating, but it was a phase.
So I try to keep that in mind as I feel like I deal with one sickness after another, one nauseous day after another, one lousy night of sleep after another.
It is frustrating, but it is a phase.
In the midst of dealing with all of these physical symptoms, I am clearly feeling some mental anxiety about having a third child. I am nervous. I don't feel like the natural mothering type and I am very hard on myself and I compare myself to others who do it so much better and I spin myself into circles and then into knots.
I so badly want to be amazing at this but so often do not feel like I am.
I want to prove to everyone (to myself) that I am a good mother.
Then yesterday morning I read it.
"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." Romans 4:4-5 MSG
In that moment, I was blissfully reminded that I cannot do it "all", nor am I expected to.
When mothering feels overwhelming to me and I feel so far less than excellent at it, I remember the help that is at my right hand by calling on God. My Deliverer, my Helper, the God Who sees me.
It honestly brings a sigh of relief to my exhausted body when I bask in the reality of His help. I know it not just as something that I read about in His Word, but as something that is true and lasting and comes right when I need it. I've called out for His help in a moment of despair or confusion and felt the immediate lightening of my problem.
I state here and now that I am not a perfect mother by my own abilities. I am far too often overwhelmed by all that I feel needs to be done and yet underwhelmed by what I feel are my own abilities.
But when I call on God and trust Him to act, I have all the help I will ever need.
Breathe. Relax. Trust.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
What's the Big Deal About Easter?
When I was a little girl, my mom was in a singing group called Gentle Praise. They sang beautifully and wore matching outfits and I loved watching them sing together. My favorite song that they sang was "This Same Jesus", a wonderful '80's song that ministered each time they performed. I would sit there, wide-eyed, and just feel the feels that the song brought about. I found the original version today on YouTube, and while it's not Gentle Praise, the Talleys do it decently too! If you listen, enjoy the excellently vintage Jesus clips:
This song still actually ministers to me, but not quite in the same way. When I was little, I used to imagine Jesus' second coming and watch for Him in the clouds when they broke apart in particularly beautiful ways. It still stirs my heart to think of it. This song speaks powerfully of the past that was and future to come.
But...what about the present?
I know that Easter has gotten rather muddled over the last couple decades or so. The Easter Bunny is a distraction and Jesus didn't die just so we could give our kids candy. I know it's easy to get lost in all of that. It's easy, especially for those who don't know Jesus, to ask, "What's the big deal about Easter?"
For me, it absolutely is that Jesus was beaten and crucified for my sins.
It absolutely is that His love for me is what compelled him onward when He could have ravaged everyone ravaging Him.
It absolutely is the fact that the grave could not hold Him and He overcame death in His power.
His mission of love met it's fulfillment on the cross, but it is still with us today. He died, rose to life, and intercedes for us. His love goes on!!! And on, and on, and on (and on, and on, and on).
And on.
A couple of months ago, I was inspired to put together a drama for Easter Sunday. From the moment I set out to do it, I heard a song and knew exactly what the drama should be about. Essentially, the message of the drama is this: that the same Jesus who conquered the grave on that first Easter morning is the same Jesus who is with us in our current messes. He has the same power and love that He did then, and He still lavishes it on us.
How does He still work today?
- He loves us as a father. In Luke 11:2, He instructs that when we pray, we address Him as Father. A good father is a protector and provider, armed with strength and love. God is the ultimate good Father. Psalm 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling." Psalm 27:10 says, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
A father doesn't go anywhere. A father is a steady foundation. A father sacrifices for His children.
Yep. Nailed it. That's my God.
- He sends angels in times of need. I can't speak of this personally, because I'm not sure I've ever felt it. But I absolutely believe it. I've heard amazing testimonies about it. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvations?" Luke 4:10 says, 'For it is written, 'He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you carefully.". There's a peace that comes when we realize His heart to love and protect us. Bad things happen, yes, but nothing outside of the realm of His control. His love, in any situation, is absolutely trustworthy.
- He uses us. As Christians, we do not get to sit idly by when things are going well. We are to be diligent and active in our prayer and worship. Through these things, God will often compel us to minister to others. 2 Corinthians 2:1 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." Have you ever felt compelled to walk with someone through a hard time because you understood exactly how awful it was? That's God using you. So we wouldn't get too puffed up about that, we are reminded that it is through His strength that we serve (1 Peter 4:11). Philippians 2:13 : "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose".
These are interesting times. There is so much nastiness and hate absorbing our world. In all of the headlines and stomach-churning news, our ONLY HOPE remains Jesus. His love, His sacrifice, His mercy.
God is working in every day life. He's there if you're looking.
For anyone reading this who has no plans to attend a church on Easter Sunday, I invite you to mine. It is a love-filled church and you will be welcomed as you are. Services are 8:30 and 10:45 (Donuts at 10 and Easter egg hunt for the kiddos at 10:15)!!!
Sioux Falls First Assembly of God, 6300 W. 41st St.
Matthew 28:1-10: "After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him'. Now I have told you'. So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them, 'Greetings,' he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, 'Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me'".
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Safety in Darkness
Jonas' new favorite thing to do is to climb up onto his big brother's toddler bed. Maybe it is because it has a cool red blanket strewn on top of it in order to create a fort-like atmosphere. Maybe it is because Finn's bed is more fun to bounce upon. Maybe it is because he has been told over and over again NOT to do it. Judging from his mischievous smile when he gets caught, I think it may be the latter.
Last night, I followed him into the room and shadowed him as he climbed up on the bed for like, the 15th time that day. Since I am battling a nasty sore throat and fever, I just did not have the energy to lift him off again. So I joined him. I laid down in the bed with him, and if he got too close to the edge, I mustered the power to steady him.
It wasn't too long before Finn joined us. To a three year old, a situation like this screams, "PARTY IN MY BED!!!!!" Finn laughingly turned on the noise machine and turned off the light, delighting in the fact that we were having a 'sleeping party'.
Unsurprisingly, Jonas was not a fan of this new twist. The lights had been shut off for him and the fun had stopped. I could feel him in the dark grappling to find his balance because he could know longer see where he was. I felt him, ever so slowly, sidle over to me. He touched my face and my arms to make sure it was me, and then he clung to me. I spoke to him as he searched and told him he was okay.
I enjoyed every second of the snuggles, however brief they were. Because 5 seconds later, Finn bounded to the light switch again and turned the lights back on. Just like that, Jonas started scooting further away from me again. He felt safe with the light back on and so he went back to doing whatever he wanted.
Until once again, Finn hysterically shuts the light off and we are basked in darkness. Then the searching and grasping for my arm and face resumed.
This hilarity ensued for a good five minutes before mommy regained the strength to put an end to the madness.
In the light, Jonas giggled and played and made daring attempts to fly past me off of the bed. In the darkness, Jonas cuddled and clung closely to whatever part of me he could find.
And I'm laying there thinking, isn't that what we too often do with God?
When the light is on and we can see where we're going, when things are rosy and sunshiny and going our way, we edge away from Him by pursuing our own desires or whatever is making us happy and fulfilling our needs in that moment.
But when the lights go out on us, what then? We suddenly feel alone and afraid. We struggle through the darkness to find any piece of Him that we can. When we find Him, we hold on tight to His love, and strength, and peace. We know we are safe with Him in the dark.
But oh….to know that it is safe with Him in the light as well. To know that the best place to be on the brightest days of our lives is STILL right by His side, clinging to His hand.
When we remain by His side, we do not need to be afraid that the light around us might suddenly go dark.
When we remain by His side, we don't waste time trying to struggle in the darkness by ourselves.
When we remain by His side, we get to experience the brightest highs and the darkest lows with the One who loves us stronger and knows us better than we could ever imagine.
There's no safer place than that.
"For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God." Isaiah 50:10 (MSG)
"'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:1-5 (NASB)
"There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven!" Philippians 3: 18-20 (MSG)
Last night, I followed him into the room and shadowed him as he climbed up on the bed for like, the 15th time that day. Since I am battling a nasty sore throat and fever, I just did not have the energy to lift him off again. So I joined him. I laid down in the bed with him, and if he got too close to the edge, I mustered the power to steady him.
It wasn't too long before Finn joined us. To a three year old, a situation like this screams, "PARTY IN MY BED!!!!!" Finn laughingly turned on the noise machine and turned off the light, delighting in the fact that we were having a 'sleeping party'.
Unsurprisingly, Jonas was not a fan of this new twist. The lights had been shut off for him and the fun had stopped. I could feel him in the dark grappling to find his balance because he could know longer see where he was. I felt him, ever so slowly, sidle over to me. He touched my face and my arms to make sure it was me, and then he clung to me. I spoke to him as he searched and told him he was okay.
I enjoyed every second of the snuggles, however brief they were. Because 5 seconds later, Finn bounded to the light switch again and turned the lights back on. Just like that, Jonas started scooting further away from me again. He felt safe with the light back on and so he went back to doing whatever he wanted.
Until once again, Finn hysterically shuts the light off and we are basked in darkness. Then the searching and grasping for my arm and face resumed.
This hilarity ensued for a good five minutes before mommy regained the strength to put an end to the madness.
In the light, Jonas giggled and played and made daring attempts to fly past me off of the bed. In the darkness, Jonas cuddled and clung closely to whatever part of me he could find.
And I'm laying there thinking, isn't that what we too often do with God?
When the light is on and we can see where we're going, when things are rosy and sunshiny and going our way, we edge away from Him by pursuing our own desires or whatever is making us happy and fulfilling our needs in that moment.
But when the lights go out on us, what then? We suddenly feel alone and afraid. We struggle through the darkness to find any piece of Him that we can. When we find Him, we hold on tight to His love, and strength, and peace. We know we are safe with Him in the dark.
But oh….to know that it is safe with Him in the light as well. To know that the best place to be on the brightest days of our lives is STILL right by His side, clinging to His hand.
When we remain by His side, we do not need to be afraid that the light around us might suddenly go dark.
When we remain by His side, we don't waste time trying to struggle in the darkness by ourselves.
When we remain by His side, we get to experience the brightest highs and the darkest lows with the One who loves us stronger and knows us better than we could ever imagine.
There's no safer place than that.
"For anyone out there who doesn't know where you're going, anyone groping in the dark, Here's what: Trust in God. Lean on your God." Isaiah 50:10 (MSG)
"'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in your place. Since you are precious in my sight, Since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life. Do not fear, for I am with you." Isaiah 43:1-5 (NASB)
"There are many out there taking other paths, choosing other goals, and trying to get you to go along with them. I've warned you of them many times; sadly, I'm having to do it again. All they want is easy street. They hate Christ's Cross. But easy street is a dead-end street. Those who live there make their bellies their gods; belches are their praise; all they can think of is their appetites. But there's far more to life for us. We're citizens of high heaven!" Philippians 3: 18-20 (MSG)
Sunday, June 8, 2014
No Mo Mean Girls
Girls. Girls can be so tough, so hard on each other.
When I was in elementary school, I was a part of a mean girls clique. It was a group of 8-9 girls; some days you were "in" and some days you were "out". Power plays and manipulation were the name of the game and it was always a passive aggressive battle to not be the lowest girl on the totem pole. The lowest girl sat alone while the others talked about her. The lowest girl played by herself at recess, just praying that the others would include her. The lowest girl went home at the end of the day with a pit in her stomach.
It was miserable. Even when you were at the top or middle of the group, it was miserable.
I was so insecure in these 'friendships' that when I arrived at my very first day of middle school, I walked right past a group of them as they congregated near the building's front door. Since they were all already together, I was petrified that I was on the "outs" with them, so I walked right on by my best friends.
For a shy, timid, and nervous 11 year old girl, there isn't much more intimidating than a group of mean girls.
Save for one more bad experience, I was extremely blessed to go on to find good female friendships. I found the absolute best friends of my life in high school and college and after, one in particular who is more like a sister to me than just a friend.
These ladies renewed my faith in girls. They showed me grace and beauty and kindness. They showed me relationship.
These ladies renewed my faith in girls. They showed me grace and beauty and kindness. They showed me relationship.
Granted, I still met girls who seriously intimidated me.
Usually, the girls who intimated me were unusually beautiful, or exceptionally talented, or unflinchingly confident. I always felt like they had something that I didn't.
I remember one time in particular, I was on a missions trip and was grouped together with this gorgeous girl who was a few years younger than me. My first instinct was to turn away from her. She hadn't done a single thing to me, yet I wanted to shun her. For nothing.
Fortunately, wisdom prevailed. I felt something in my spirit beckon me to befriend her, to pursue relationship. I am so thankful that I listened to that voice because she became the person I was closest to on the trip, almost like a little sister.
She was still amazingly beautiful, but I came to know so much more about her by moving towards her, rather than away from her. I gained a lovely friendship by kicking intimidation in the shins.
Sometimes, I still have to kick intimidation in the shins. Women make the most incredible friends, but honestly? They can also still terrify me sometimes.
Other women are so beautiful, kind, caring. They are impeccable mothers and generous wives. They have talent seeping from their pores and God delights in using those talents.
It is amazing to see!
But sometimes, when we view other women from a distance, intimidation can loom large. When that distance is crossed and the mountains of intimidation are conquered, relationship blossoms.
I meet with an excellent group of young women on Wednesday evenings. I love these times together because each one of these women are so different and unique. They are sensitive and tough. They are honest and kind. They are beautiful and they are merciful enough to laugh at my lame jokes.
I have been amazed over the last few weeks to see how God is forging friendships between these women who are each so different. I feel privileged and thankful to be a part of it.
It all makes me excited, quite honestly! There is something here:
Something important, something Biblical, something beautiful.
This all stirs passion in me, and I have been studying it. Here's what I have found.
"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out - in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day." Galatians 5:13-20
There is freedom here - true freedom! No more chains binding us with envy or insecurity. When we reach out to other women in kindness and love, we are doing our part to break down the walls that rise between us when we size each other up and compare ourselves against each other.
"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original." Galatians 5:25-26
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way that God intends for us to live. It is no secret that women often compare themselves to other women, and relationships can already be so fragile. But when we spend time building each other up rather than critiquing or criticizing or comparing, those relational bonds get stronger and God gets the glory. This is the good way.
"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." Galatians 6:4-5
It was kind of crazy to me when I began to study this topic, just how often the Bible instructs to not compare ourselves with others. When Paul wrote these instructions, he knew what a minefield comparison can be. When we compare, there are two end results: it makes us feel better about ourselves because we see how much better we have it than another, or it makes us envious that another has so much more.
"So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." Romans 12:6
Are either of these results really how we want to be? Prideful. Envious. Two sides of one coin. "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be"!!!
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." Romans 12:9-10
How do we not compare? By doing those things. Be authentic. Do good. Love deeply. Put others first.
"So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I'd say it leaves you looking pretty silly - or worse. Eventually, we're all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren't going to improve your position one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture: 'As I live and breath,' God says, 'every knee will bow before me; Every tongue will tell the honest truth that I and only I am God.' So tend to your knitting. You've got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God." Romans 14:10-12
This is a beautiful reminder that we are all on the same side. When we waste time looking at others, it is ultimately attention that we are not giving God. Ladies, look at God! Isn't He amazing?! Doesn't He deserve our whole attention?!
Yes. Yes, He does.
"God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in you stomach for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: please the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you. So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." Romans 14:17-19
When you see another woman looking lovely, by all means TELL HER!
When you see a gifting on a woman's life, don't envy it but BLESS IT! God's got you, friend. He will NOT hold out on you.
When you see someone you think is an excellent mother or wife, SPEAK IT! She may not hear it that often and you could have just given her a gift of renewed purpose.
Our words are so powerful. How will other women know we think they are amazing, if we don't tell them?!?!
"I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, 'I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body,' would that make it so? If Ear said, 'I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head,' would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of." 1 Corinthians 12:14-20
This is really what it all comes down to, isn't it? We all want to be significant. We all want to matter.
God knows that. He isn't blind to our battle for significance.
But that's the beautiful thing about God's sovereignty. He knows how much we can handle. He knows what gifts to bless us with in order to reach those who need them. He also knows when not to gift when it may cause pride and pull you away from Him who really matters.
It all truly comes down to a matter of trusting God. Do we trust that He loves us (John 3:16)? Do we trust that He wants to give us good things (Psalm 84:11)? Do we trust that He is good (Psalm 100:5)? Do we trust that He works all things for good (Romans 8:28)? Do we trust that He has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)?
He is absolutely trustworthy, but do you trust Him?
Then throw your energy into loving and encouraging, building up people and tearing down walls.
After all, if we have not love, we have nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2).
It all makes me excited, quite honestly! There is something here:
Something important, something Biblical, something beautiful.
This all stirs passion in me, and I have been studying it. Here's what I have found.
"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out - in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day." Galatians 5:13-20
There is freedom here - true freedom! No more chains binding us with envy or insecurity. When we reach out to other women in kindness and love, we are doing our part to break down the walls that rise between us when we size each other up and compare ourselves against each other.
"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original." Galatians 5:25-26
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way that God intends for us to live. It is no secret that women often compare themselves to other women, and relationships can already be so fragile. But when we spend time building each other up rather than critiquing or criticizing or comparing, those relational bonds get stronger and God gets the glory. This is the good way.
"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." Galatians 6:4-5
It was kind of crazy to me when I began to study this topic, just how often the Bible instructs to not compare ourselves with others. When Paul wrote these instructions, he knew what a minefield comparison can be. When we compare, there are two end results: it makes us feel better about ourselves because we see how much better we have it than another, or it makes us envious that another has so much more.
"So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." Romans 12:6
Are either of these results really how we want to be? Prideful. Envious. Two sides of one coin. "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be"!!!
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." Romans 12:9-10
How do we not compare? By doing those things. Be authentic. Do good. Love deeply. Put others first.
"So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I'd say it leaves you looking pretty silly - or worse. Eventually, we're all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren't going to improve your position one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture: 'As I live and breath,' God says, 'every knee will bow before me; Every tongue will tell the honest truth that I and only I am God.' So tend to your knitting. You've got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God." Romans 14:10-12
This is a beautiful reminder that we are all on the same side. When we waste time looking at others, it is ultimately attention that we are not giving God. Ladies, look at God! Isn't He amazing?! Doesn't He deserve our whole attention?!
Yes. Yes, He does.
"God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in you stomach for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: please the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you. So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." Romans 14:17-19
When you see another woman looking lovely, by all means TELL HER!
When you see a gifting on a woman's life, don't envy it but BLESS IT! God's got you, friend. He will NOT hold out on you.
When you see someone you think is an excellent mother or wife, SPEAK IT! She may not hear it that often and you could have just given her a gift of renewed purpose.
Our words are so powerful. How will other women know we think they are amazing, if we don't tell them?!?!
"I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, 'I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body,' would that make it so? If Ear said, 'I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head,' would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of." 1 Corinthians 12:14-20
This is really what it all comes down to, isn't it? We all want to be significant. We all want to matter.
God knows that. He isn't blind to our battle for significance.
But that's the beautiful thing about God's sovereignty. He knows how much we can handle. He knows what gifts to bless us with in order to reach those who need them. He also knows when not to gift when it may cause pride and pull you away from Him who really matters.
It all truly comes down to a matter of trusting God. Do we trust that He loves us (John 3:16)? Do we trust that He wants to give us good things (Psalm 84:11)? Do we trust that He is good (Psalm 100:5)? Do we trust that He works all things for good (Romans 8:28)? Do we trust that He has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)?
He is absolutely trustworthy, but do you trust Him?
Then throw your energy into loving and encouraging, building up people and tearing down walls.
After all, if we have not love, we have nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2).
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block
The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.
Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.
Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.
It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.
Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.
It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.
Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!
When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".
I lied.
Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.
I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!
But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.
Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?
I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.
However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.
I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.
My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.
Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.
Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.
We ask, "God…why?"
Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.
But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.
Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.
The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.
Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.
Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"
There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.
No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.
So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.
Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.
I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.
I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.
I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.
I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.
Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)
Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.
Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.
It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.
Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.
It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.
Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!
When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".
Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.
I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!
But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.
Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?
I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.
However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.
I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.
My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.
Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.
Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.
We ask, "God…why?"
Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.
But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.
Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.
The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.
Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.
Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"
There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.
No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.
So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.
Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.
I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.
I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.
I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.
I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.
Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Dog Toys
A few days ago, I was cleaning, Jonas was sleeping, and Finn was playing. It was exciting times at the Fjerkenstad household!
Like many people, we keep our cleaning supplies underneath our kitchen sink. When I moved to clean the bathroom, I left the door to said cabinet open. Normally it is child lock protected and dutifully shut every time. I guess I got a little lazy.
Finn's curiosity got the better of him and he started digging through a treasure trove of cleaning bottles and Target bags.
Suddenly, I heard him proclaim, "Mommy! There's toys in here!"
I peeked my head around from the bathroom and said, "There aren't any toys in there, Finn."
"Yes there are!!!" he urged me.
Then it dawned on me: we used to keep chew toys for our dog underneath the sink…Eureka!
I said to my funny boy, "Finn, if there are toys down there, believe me - you don't want them."
"I do…" he insisted.
As this conversation continued, I thought of the oodles of toys that Finn already had in his possession. Already, our living room was overflowing with superheroes, Little People, and Legos.
Yet Finn was searching for more. Even worse, there was inflection in his words that suggested that we were holding out on him.
"Sweet boy," I said again, "Trust me you don't want anything under there." With that, I closed the cabinet and somewhere in the back of my mind, I made a mental note to clean and purge under our sink.
However, as I continued my cleaning spree, it dawned on me that sometimes we treat God our Father that same way.
We ignore the bounty before us and are in a continuous search for more…..More…..MORE!!!!!
There is a continuous aching in us that is forever longing for something more.
C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."
Until we are in our forever home of heaven, we will always be aching for something.
And because of that aching, we often point the finger at God and question His authority and His goodness to us.
We believe that He is holding out on us. If He were truly our provider and our sustainer, then surely we wouldn't feel this constant longing.
All the while, He is showing us all of the amazing gifts we have already received.
Love. Breath. Sunsets. Nature. Beauty. Laughter. Emotion. Intellect. Spiritual gifts. Love…again (it's so important I had to put it twice!)
Romans 8:31-32 says, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
Look around and be encouraged.
God is not holding out on us. He has given us everything.
In other words, there is no need to dig around for a glimpse of dog toys when you have superheroes and Little People in front of you.
Trust Him - He knows what you need and He will never withhold any good thing from you.
"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11
Like many people, we keep our cleaning supplies underneath our kitchen sink. When I moved to clean the bathroom, I left the door to said cabinet open. Normally it is child lock protected and dutifully shut every time. I guess I got a little lazy.
Finn's curiosity got the better of him and he started digging through a treasure trove of cleaning bottles and Target bags.
Suddenly, I heard him proclaim, "Mommy! There's toys in here!"
I peeked my head around from the bathroom and said, "There aren't any toys in there, Finn."
"Yes there are!!!" he urged me.
Then it dawned on me: we used to keep chew toys for our dog underneath the sink…Eureka!
I said to my funny boy, "Finn, if there are toys down there, believe me - you don't want them."
"I do…" he insisted.
As this conversation continued, I thought of the oodles of toys that Finn already had in his possession. Already, our living room was overflowing with superheroes, Little People, and Legos.
Yet Finn was searching for more. Even worse, there was inflection in his words that suggested that we were holding out on him.
"Sweet boy," I said again, "Trust me you don't want anything under there." With that, I closed the cabinet and somewhere in the back of my mind, I made a mental note to clean and purge under our sink.
However, as I continued my cleaning spree, it dawned on me that sometimes we treat God our Father that same way.
We ignore the bounty before us and are in a continuous search for more…..More…..MORE!!!!!
There is a continuous aching in us that is forever longing for something more.
C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."
Until we are in our forever home of heaven, we will always be aching for something.
And because of that aching, we often point the finger at God and question His authority and His goodness to us.
We believe that He is holding out on us. If He were truly our provider and our sustainer, then surely we wouldn't feel this constant longing.
All the while, He is showing us all of the amazing gifts we have already received.
Love. Breath. Sunsets. Nature. Beauty. Laughter. Emotion. Intellect. Spiritual gifts. Love…again (it's so important I had to put it twice!)
Romans 8:31-32 says, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"
Look around and be encouraged.
God is not holding out on us. He has given us everything.
In other words, there is no need to dig around for a glimpse of dog toys when you have superheroes and Little People in front of you.
Trust Him - He knows what you need and He will never withhold any good thing from you.
"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11
Monday, December 16, 2013
Unsafe Relationship
When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.
I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.
He was too friendly and nice to everybody.
I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
He was also too good-looking.
I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.
So what does God do?
He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.
I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.
He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.
He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.
Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.
Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......
Yeah, this was like that.
The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.
I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.
God wanted to give me more than just enough.
I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.
God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.
I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.
God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability.
I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.
Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."
As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.
Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."
Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.
God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.
Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.
My cup overflows.
I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.
He was too friendly and nice to everybody.
I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
He was also too good-looking.
I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.
So what does God do?
He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.
I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.
He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.
He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.
Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.
Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......
Yeah, this was like that.
The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.
I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.
God wanted to give me more than just enough.
I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.
God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.
I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.
God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability.
I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.
Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."
As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.
Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."
Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.
God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.
Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.
My cup overflows.
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