A Bad Case of Stripes

When I first started working towards my masters degree in school counseling, I was single, childless, and highly motivated to do well and attain one of those semi-elusive school counselor positions.

Years passed. I met this most wonderful man:

 (maybe you know him?). 

We fell in love. We got married.  We procreated. 

Upon the birth of our son, Finn Matthew, I fell in love again:

(maybe you could see how?)

And all of a sudden, all that I wanted to do was to be with this little man. I didn't want to miss a moment or a happening. I wanted to be the one to lay him down for every nap and the first one to see his chirpy little face when he woke up.

I wasn't a perfect mommy. I got frustrated. I struggled with the surrender of my selfish desires so that I could better meet his needs. I got lonely on days when he was my only human interaction. I didn't clean the house every day (or every week....cough cough). 

When I took a year off from school to revel and indulge in Finn's first few months of life, it was very difficult to imagine finishing the degree that I had started sooooooooooo long ago - we're talking 2007 here!

I moaned, I groaned, and I wondered - often - what it would be like to not finish at all. 

Long story short.......I went back. I finished. 

(See?)

With the support of the most amazing team of people behind me that believed in me and by relying on God's strength when mine gave out, the driving force that helped me to finish was hoping that when all was said and done, I could be with my boy.

When I found out halfway through last semester that we were expecting another sweet baboose, I received an extra boost of drive. I knew that it was not an easy calling and that in many ways, working a full time job outside of the home would be easier and less stressful than mommy duty. But yet.......

all I wanted was to hit graduation so that I could be home with my boys. 

Last month, I was having lunch with 4 Kindergarten girls. As they ate, we chatted. Then one of them handed me a book and asked me to read it.

I had never heard of this book before; it was titled "A Bad Case of Stripes" by David Shannon.

This book is about a little girl who loves lima beans. However, before she starts her first day of school, she decides that she must hide her love of lima beans because loving lima beans is........well.......weird. Unfortunately, as she hides this love and tries to be like everyone else, she finds that she far too easily becomes what people tell her to become. When someone says stripes, her skin turns into stripes; same thing when someone talks about polka dots, an American flag, a rainbow, etc. Whatever people suggest, she turns into. They say it, she becomes it.

She is completely at their mercy, simply because she was caught up in thinking she needed to be like everyone else.

There were moments these past few months when I have felt that way, as though the only proper exclamation point on the end of this whirlwind year would be a full time school counselor position. It has definitely seemed enticing at times.

Since I graduated, I have been asked many, many times: "What are your plans?"

And truth be told, there have been times when I have been embarrassed to say, "Well, I really want to be home with my boys, so I am looking for something part time so that I can utilize my degree but not miss moments with them."

It sounds simple enough to speak those words......but sometimes it is difficult.

For some reason, at times, that answer seems like not enough. Which has made me feel like not enough.
I feel like I should want and aspire to a full time job where I can use my degree. After all, what if all of those years were for nothing? What if I toiled and tried and cried my way through those classes for no payoff?

Yet as I was reading this children's book to a table of adorable kindergarten girls, it hit me.

I just need to eat my lima beans.

I need to stop worrying about what others might think. I need to accept what I feel that God has called me to for our family. I need to stop asking myself those obnoxious "what if" questions.

I know that the road I am choosing is not an easy one. But I also believe that it is blessed because God is leading me down it. I am positive with every inch of my being that I will not look back at my life 30 years from now and regret the choice to spend as many moments with my boys as possible.

The world may say "go out and use your degree immediately", but my heart speaks something different.

I want to be a school counselor full time someday..............just.................not yet.

It's funny the lessons one can learn from a children's book.

The Next Chapter

I was vacuuming the other day and as I pushed back and forth, Finn ran maniacally from room to room. He was certain that no matter where he ran, the vacuum was coming for him.

It was pretty stinkin' cute.

However, the longer I vacuumed, the closer he would allow it to get to him. His fear of it slowly ebbed away as he realized that it was not, in fact, eating him.

By the time I was finishing up, Finn was coming close enough to play with the cord and even danced with it.

The closer he got to that which was making him afraid, the smaller his fear became. Had he continued to run from the vacuum, he never would have realized that the vacuum was no cause for fear.

In fact, vacuums are kind of fun! Which he did realize, once I shut it off and was rolling it in the closet: he hopped on and wanted a ride!

Funny boy :).

I have been reminding myself of that today, as the monstrosity of internship looms closer and I feel the beginning butterflies of fear.

Fear of the unknown, fear of not being with Finn all day 5 days a week, fear of failure.

But I move forward.......moving towards my fear. I know that if I should choose to run from it, I would never conquer it and it would in turn conquer me. If I ran from it, I would never realize that there is nothing to fear.

Rather, I move forward, despite the fear, believing there are beautiful things ahead.

"My son, when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know. Do you believe that? To the degree you believe that, you're going to have peace. And if you don't believe it, you don't have peace." Timothy Keller

Lately

I have not had much time to sit around and ponder my usual "ponderances" lately. Life is good and busy. It is busy AND it is good.

I daily operate from a position of knowing I cannot do this on my own. This means that every day I need to take a step of faith into the belief that I am doing what God has called me to do and that He will provide as I follow Him forward.

Every day I need to drop my insecurities and rely on what God says about me. Every day I need to call on His strength and wisdom to make it to bedtime successfully. Every day I need to remember the purpose of these sacrifices and the reality of His calling.

Neediness is not a bad position to be in with God. He has provided for me in amazing ways this last month. I get giddy even thinking of His faithfulness.

True, there are times when I feel like I am hanging by a thread. It is almost like I am living in a state of constant stress....I am in a pattern of stressful homeostasis. It doesn't take much to descend into the place  where the tears flow freely and the ugly cry reigns supreme.

Just ask my husband :).

But each ugly cry is met with a new morning and new victories given by God.

This song has been the cry of my heart lately and I can't stop listening to it. It is a reminder of all things important.

The Finish Line

The end of the semester is so close that I can nearly taste it. I am stretching out my fingers so far toward the finish line that sometimes it seems as though time slows down around me. I take my final on Tuesday and in my spare moments have been dreaming of all that I want to do once that finish line is crossed.

I've got a list of books I want to read. 

I want to dominate our family photo album and Finn's baby book. 

I want to start studying for comps - the big test I have to take in the fall to complete my graduate program. 

And I want to start running. 

I have never been much of a runner; the few times I have tried have been pretty pathetic.  

When I was a freshman in high school, one of my favorite teachers was a coach for track. When he recruited me for the team, I joined because I felt honored and I wanted to please him. Plus, the sweats the teammates received were cute. 

I spent those months on the track team attending practices half-heartedly and sitting at meets, anxiously dreading the moment when it was my turn to run. I loathed waiting for the pistol to fire, signaling the start of the race. 

There are other times that I have tried to become a runner since then - each equally disastrous. 

Over and over again, I have heard of "the wall" in that exists with running. It's killer to reach it, but once you break through, there is relief, enjoyment, power. I never cared enough to push past that wall. Until now. 

There are a couple of reasons why the urge is surging in me. 

1. The next couple of semesters of schooling for me are going to be pretty intense. When I focus too much on those looming months, I feel overwhelmed. There are times when I am not sure if I can do it, if I can finish what I started 5 years ago. I am hypothesizing that if I can push myself physically in this way, it will help me see that I am capable of more than I think I am (and that's before I even factor in God's help). In short, I hope it can boost my confidence, prove something to myself about myself.

2. Finn's wake time is typically between 7:30 and 8 a.m. each morning. I figure that I can fairly easily discipline myself to get up at 7 each morning and get out for a run (Matt will still be home if he wakes up before I return). This will jump start our mornings; if I am lucky I can even squeeze my shower in before he wakes up. I see this as being immediately beneficial in providing more energy to our days. I see this as being long term beneficial as well, as once my schedule gets crazier in the fall, it won't be such a shock to my system.

There are my reasons. This blog is my accountability. Now I just have to do it. Eeeek. 

Pretentious Manure

"Daddy always said an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure." (Steel Magnolias)

Last night in class, our professor asked us to do something very simple: write down our favorite book/movie/tv show. The purpose of this would be to highlight what we value and find meaningful through these things.

Immediately, in terms of books, two things pop in my head: "Les Miserables" and "Anne of Green Gables". Which to choose to share with the class? I truly did love "Les Miserables" when I read it - the message of transformation through an act of mercy is inspiring. But honestly? I haven't read it since. The thought of reading it again actually overwhelms me!

Then again, I have read "Anne of Green Gables" a hundred bajillion times. It is easy and enjoyable to read and it is dreamy, intelligent, romantic, idealized comfort food to me. I want to live on Prince Edward Island on a lush, green farm. Growing up, I always said that I wanted to marry Gilbert Blythe.

But of course, I say "Les Miserables" to my classmates. I give the pretentious answer. These classmates don't know me very well. To most of them, I am the quiet, older girl who isn't in the rest of their classes with them. While I long to be friendly with them, I have a hard time breaking the barrier of silence between us - especially because they all know each other so well. I am the outsider.

As the outsider, I have to make a good impression......right? What would they think of me if I tell them that my favorite book is "Anne of Green Gables"? That I admire her tenacity and positivity and ability to make every situation sunnier and lovelier? That I relate to her emotion and passion and dramatic breakdowns?

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

But as soon as the words "Les Miserables" pop out of my mouth, I know that I haven't been true to myself - as cheesy as that sounds. After all, the guy right before mentioned a book by John Steinbeck that I had never even heard of before. This is masters level, people! No kiddie books around here!

Hogwash.

Especially since the girls after me state that their favorite tv shows are "One Tree Hill" and "Big Bang Theory".

Suddenly, "Anne of Green Gables"? Not so elementary, my dear Watson.

No more pretense. What is so bad about laying the truth out there - in all of its nerdy little glory?

"I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted."

Embrace the things that you love, because you love them for good reason. They might inspire or ignite something in you; they might be comfortable or relatable; they might be aspirational or downright junk food for your mind.

Who cares?

And who knows? If I had given the honest answer, I may have just found a kindred spirit or two.

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."

Engage

I read this blog this morning that encouraged contentment through appreciating what you have right now. Today. This moment. It verified so much of what I have been feeling lately.

I started class again yesterday. It is my final semester of "normal" class, as next fall and spring get pretty crazy for me. That is when I have to start seeing clients, spend much more time away from home and my sweet boy, and ultimately do a 40 hour/week internship. Even thinking about all of it right now gets my stomach twisting in twenty different directions. It all just feels very...........overwhelming.

How will I get all of my hours in? What will my clients be like? Who will watch Finn? What will it be like to be away from him for so long during the day? What if I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day and can't give my best to him? You mean I actually have to counsel people?

These thoughts.......over and over and over again; trying to make sense of a time months and months away.

I slowly began to notice that as I was channeling Marty McFly and trying to live in the future by attempting to figure it all out, I was robbing today of whatever was right in front of me.

Days can be hectic, blissful, chaotic, lovely, demanding, delightful or a mixture of many things. But whatever my days were, I was missing it.

I have a terrible habit of trying to figure out the future before it happens. I want to be comfortable with it, to know that it is within my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34, NIV)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34, MSG)

The older I get, the more I am realizing that the time spent trying to figure out the future is literally time that is wasted. Clearly there is no predicting the future. I could get comfortable with what lies before me one moment when the next moment something comes along and totally derails that scenario.

But how to stop the mind from reeling and churning and grinding out those scenarios?

One word that keeps coming back to my mind is "engaged".

If I am truly engaged with this moment, I won't have available brain space to give to the future.

If I am reading a book to Finn, I won't be able to picture the clients I may be counseling in 6 months.
If I am participating in his quest to destroy the bathroom during bath time, I won't be able to ruminate on who might baby-sit him during my internship.
If I am actively listening to my husband select songs for worship on Sunday, I won't be lost in ponderation about my student loan bill.

Looking back on my life and how faithful God has been to make sure that every little piece of the puzzle fits into the right spot.........how can I still look into the future with anxiety about how things will work and fit together? I need only to look behind me and see His faithfulness to be able to look ahead of me and believe He will remain faithful.

There is a beautiful scene in "The Shack" (controversial book, I know!), where Mack and Jesus are having a conversation about fear. Over the years since I have read the book, this scene has remained with me:

"Tell me what you are afraid of, Mack."
"Well, let me see. What am I afraid of? Well, I am afraid of looking like an idiot. I am afraid that you are making fun of me and that I will sink like a rock. I imagine that - "


"Exactly. You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"
"Well, I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?"


"Relax, Mack; this is not a test, it's a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
"I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."


"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always indicated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
"Why do I do that?"


"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."
"So why do I have so much fear in my life?"


"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."
"I have so far to go."


Me too, Mack, me too.

If God presides in this present moment, then that is where I want to be.

Rorschach

I started back to school this week. The class I am taking, Appraisal of the Individual, is all about ways to assess those that we will be seeing in counseling. 

We were discussing the history of assessment and the Rorschach test was brought up. You know Rorschach.....those weird ink-blot type cards that can look like something straight out of a serial killer's mind. 

Our professor, Dr. Rice, stated that when people are being evaluated with these, they fare much better when they take in the entire image on the card, rather than just focusing in on smaller aspects of it. 

Those who were able to view the bigger picture had a healthier all-around view on life and had healthier mindsets. 

It resonated with me that I, too, tend to have an all-around healthier mindset when I am able to focus on the big picture rather than zeroing in on one area of my life. 

And what is the big picture?

That life is not about being comfortable or seeking my own way on things. 

That I am called to love and bless others. 

That God will supply all of my needs. That God has a purpose for my life. That God loves me. 

Colossians 3:1-4 says, "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

I have a feeling all of life would make more sense if I was constantly attuned to God's perspective. 

This message was reaffirmed to my heart this morning in church, when our pastor's message was all about God's calling and purpose for us. Then Pastor Beard said, "Everything we do is to be taken in the light of eternity."

Life is lived best by taking my eyes off of myself and looking to God. By looking to God, I am able to trust His plan........even when nothing seems to make sense. When I stop fighting for my own way all the time, I am able to relax and feel God's love for others flow through me. He is better able to use me when I let go of my own plans. Now if only I didn't need so many reminders of these things. 

Rorschach, Rorschach, Rorschach. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another random note, Lifelight is this weekend! We ventured out on Friday so Finn could experience his first music festival. It was a wonderful time - we got to hear some awesome music, see great friends that we haven't seen in awhile, and participate in a cool ministry. 

Listening to his first band!

Chatty Daddy

Fjerky Fam Extraordinaire

Beautiful Evening

The Graduate

No metaphorical ruminations or odes to weight loss today.

Today, the main thing on my mind is that in approximately one week I will be preparing to re-begin grad school. Granted, I am getting my feet wet slowly by taking only one class, but still.......it kinda sorta feels like a lot.

Sometimes, this feels like the masters degree that knows no end! It is crazy to think that I started this program in August 2007; before Finn, before my job, before Matt. I honestly had an entirely different life back then!

I had just moved back home to Sioux Falls after 2 years in Arkansas, working as a nanny, doing ministry with Chi Alpha, and spending most of my spare time with Kiki and her family. I remember at one point when I lived down there, Kiki was trying to teach Cort to ask her or Matt before he could do something. And he says, "Yep, I know! I ask you or Daddy or Goosey!" I felt honored :).

Cort and Goosey

Me and Laners

Since I have lived in Sioux Falls again, graduate school has been a fairly big part of my life. And at this point, there are only FOUR semesters for me to complete before I am finished.

Even so, there was a part of me that didn't want to go back. I didn't want to mess with Finn and my routine and honestly, I didn't want to be away from my boys for 5 1/2 hours every Tuesday evening. I admit, I can be selfish with my time!

But the thought of going back to class still gives me butterflies in my stomach; I know deep down that there is that part of me that loves school and desperately desires that degree. Thanks to the encouragement of my husband, back to class I go! And I am hoping it is not just because he wants his 'guy' nights back!

I remember when I first realized that I wanted to be a school counselor. I was working on homework and had on an episode of Seventh Heaven in the background as mindless noise. And the younger son on the show (Simon, to you die-hard fans), was talking to his dad about a problem he was having. I found myself wanting to give him advice - speak life and encouragement to him! And all of a sudden, I just knew. I knew that I wanted to be a counselor for kids. I immediately called my mom - who, by the way, is the best counselor I know - to discuss the possibilities with her.

At the time, I was in my final semester at North Central and was student teaching. I had two separate sections of student teaching. The first was in a small Christian school with 3rd graders. Those kids just oozed love and acceptance. They saved me spots at their lunch tables, handcrafted cards for me, and made it a habit of telling me that they thought I was wonderful. IT was wonderful.

But my second student teaching section was vastly different. It was at an inner city middle school with an extremely diverse population of kids. And man, did those kids make me work for it! For the first couple of weeks, I lived my life with a perpetual pit in my stomach because of how much they intimidated me. But slowly, as I showed genuine interest in their lives, they began to accept me. I had to seek them out because they weren't coming to me! So I spent lunch time playing basketball with the boys, I talked to the girls about my crush on Orlando Bloom, I went to their dances and baseball games.

All of this to say that middle schoolers are my absolute favorite age group. Not that I don't love the younger kids, but there is a certain investment value when the relationship costs blood, sweat, and tears! Therefore, middle schoolers are where my heart is, the ones I get excited to work with and counsel.

By the time I was student teaching, I knew enough about teaching to know that I did not want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. This is not the prime spot to find oneself in during the last semester of college! However, with my newfound passion for counseling, I figured that if I honed in on school counseling, then I could still use my undergraduate degree AND get to do something I love.

Being ever the planner that I am, I did not go directly into grad school but chose to move down to Arkansas for two years in order to build a savings to pay for my masters. Plus, there was probably a piece of me that wanted a teeny, tiny break from school.

As I am sitting here rehashing what a process this degree has been, I am able to look back with a peace and know that I am still doing what I am supposed to be doing. Somehow, amongst all the twists, turns and speed bumps on the road, I still feel like I am where I am meant to be. I still feel the inner drive to work with middle schoolers.

There are times when I look at how full my life is and can allow myself to get overwhelmed by it all. How am I supposed to be a full time stay at home mommy, a part time work from home employee, a part time graduate student, and a full time wife?

But I guess what I am realizing more and more is, why get overwhelmed when I can give thanks for the gifts He gives each day? Why get dragged down with complaining when I can rejoice in God and thereby be lifted up? Why dread the tasks of each day when I know that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength?

These are the kinds of things I need to think about when I feel my grad school motor slow down to a limp. I know that I have been equipped for this task. I want to be working with kids. I want to work for that investment. I want to be a blessing, because I have been so very blessed.

Bypassing August

Autumn and I, well, we've always kind of had a thing. 

We love each other, Autumn and I. 

She gives me colorful leaves, pumpkin patch excursions, hot apple cider, sweater weather, cool mornings and evenings with warm afternoons, crisp breezes, setting clocks back, hayrides.....

And me? What do I do for Autumn? I enjoy her. I bask in the bounty of her charms. 

But, every year there is one small problem that arises, one minuscule annoyance that must be overcome before I can annually bond with my Autumn. 

August.

I don't love August much. It is hot and humid. There are no fun holidays in August. August means the last sunshine-filled days of summer. The only thing that August brings is the impending doom of school starting back up again.

After taking a year off from pursuing my Masters, I am headed back to the classroom. It could be said that perhaps.......because of that.........that maybe August and I are a little bit more at odds than we have been in the past.

No, I don't like August much. Every year I try to ignore it but it just never seems to get the hint. It keeps coming back like the ants that keep marching into our house and refuse to drink the poison that we lay out for them. August sniffs defiantly at my poison.

So I give up. I cast a haughty glance its way and then I allow myself to partake in August's one amenity: back to school shopping. Fresh paper, new pens, a funky binder, an unmarked planner just begging to be covered.

I should leave it at that before I start thinking of the textbooks I have to buy.

Sigh.

Dumb old August.