Be Still and Start Moving

It has been a tough summer for me. God has been chiseling away at any place in my life where I have sought a safe place, other than Him. Relationships. Health. Ministry. Food. Finances. Relationships (again and again and again).

At times it has felt less like chiseling and more like God was using a machete to hack away whole parts of my safe havens.

And like chiseling (and hacking) tend to be, it's been painful. There have been tears. There have been angry prayers to God. There have been awful emotional reactions. There has been listening, learning,  and waiting.

I think, I think, I'm maybe kinda sorta starting to get a bit of the gist of it. Perhaps.

Sometimes answers come immediately. Some take their sweet time, like an old person driving around on a Sunday afternoon.

It is so easy to get frustrated and impatient in the waiting.

"God? Hello? You're still listening, right?"

There are a couple of different ways that I have tried to navigate this chiseling season.

1. Following my own instincts

We visited Matt's parents over Easter. Once I laid the younger boys down for a nap, I seized the opportunity to get some alone time with my oldest. We went "adventuring", which included throwing rocks in the river, walking the trails, and getting a little bit lost. I knew the way back to the house, but Finn wasn't so sure. Yet, since he's a 5 year old boy, he insisted on leading. He led us well, trusting his instincts and his memory. I complimented him at one point on doing a good job and he spoke, in true Finn fashion, "Your Finny is like a superhero. I can sniff the way home. Like a superhero dog."

I let him lead, because he insisted upon it. But I knew the way to our destination; if he got too far off track, I could always take control and redirect. So we meandered a bit, but still reached home. If I had led the way home, we would have gotten there quicker. But 5 year old boys really like to lead the way.

Adults like to lead the way sometimes too. We think we know best, and we don't always like to be told what to do or where to go. We know what we want and we are pretty sure that we know how to get it. So we take off and charge toward the goal line. The good news is that when we belong to God, He watches over our way. When we get too far off course, He resets our steps. In His mercy, He gives us the freedom to make decisions and in His love He helps us stay on the path to our destination.

We sometimes try to sniff our way home, not unlike a superhero dog, and expect God to bless wherever we end up.

Those who follow their instincts will try to look ahead to worst case scenarios and manipulate and control all the variables so things are in their favor. They try to manage all factors.

But there's another way, an arguably quicker way to reach our destination.

2. Follow the Leader

I was paying attention to the band a few weeks ago during worship. I rarely ever do this, so it was eye opening to me. It's no secret that Matt is a free flow in worship kind of guy. Most of the people on the worship team have played with Matt a long time and they know his signals very well. They know when his foot starts thumping, things are only getting started. When he backs away from the mic, keep it rolling and stay where you are. When the head nods, begin the new song. In those moments of free flow they are fully tuned in on him, as the leader, to tell them where to go next in the song. If one of them were to stop paying attention, that one could miss an important cue. Their eyes are on him, and they follow him. They trust his leadership.

Those who follow the leader focus on playing their part well and watching for their leader's cues. They study their leader to know the cues better. It's a sweet mix of watching, waiting, and acting.

One of my favorite verses for a long time was Exodus 14:14: "The Lord is fighting for you. You need only to be still!". I was in a season of transition when I clung to that promise. I would speak it to myself frequently to be encouraged in the face of the unknown.

One thing I didn't do at the time was read and study the surrounding text. In this passage of Scripture, Moses has led the Israelite people to the edge of the Red Sea. They are accosting him and accusing him, desiring to return to the chains of Egypt instead of pursuing the vast unknown. They preferred a safe cage to the arms of God. I would judge them for it, but I'm too busy identifying with them.

Here's what I missed years ago: right after Moses reminded the Israelites that God is fighting for them and to just relax, God responds: "Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to start moving." (v 15).

Er, God, what is it? Be still or start moving?

Both. 

The 'being still' has to do with our thoughts and emotions. It stops them before they take over and we act and react to whatever we feel. If it had been up to the Israelites, they would have returned to Egypt and lived in slavery.....out of fear.

The 'start moving' has to do with stepping out in faith, taking the next step that God shows you. If the Israelites had never taken that next step, they would have missed the spectacular experience of God dividing the Red Sea, for their freedom.  "Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. All that night the Lord pushed back the sea with a strong east wind and turned the sea into dry ground. The water divided, and the Israelites went through the middle of the sea on dry ground. The water stood like a wall on their right and on their left." (vv. 21-22).

As we follow God's leading, we need to do our best to stay calm. That doesn't mean never crying or never praying to God in anger. It means rehearsing His faithfulness and the amazing things He's already done for you. It means remembering His goodness and the millions of times He's shown His love to you. It means being aware of His power and promises and the fact that He can change your situation in a moment and WILL change it if and when it needs to be changed. Until then, it's knowing He's got you.

But we also need to keep our feet moving. We cannot sit around and wait, letting our gifts sit idle or others' needs unmet. We keep our eyes on Him for cues, and we walk, knowing He will direct us.

The thing with waiting on God's timing is that it cannot be rushed or manipulated.

But it can absolutely, 100%, all the time, be trusted.

"Protect me, O God, because I take refuge in you. I said to the Lord, 'You are my Lord. Without you, I have nothing good.' Those who lead holy lives on earth are the noble ones who fill me with joy. Those who quickly chase after other gods multiply their sorrows. I will not pour out their sacrificial offerings of blood or use my lips to speak their names. The Lord is my inheritance and my cup. You are the one who determines my destiny. Your boundary lines mark out pleasant places for me. Indeed, my inheritance is something beautiful. I will praise the Lord, who advises me. My conscience warns me at night. I always keep the Lord in front of me. When he is by my side, I cannot be moved. That is why my heart is glad and my soul rejoices. My body rests securely because you do not abandon my soul to the grave or allow your holy one to decay. You make the path of life known to me. Complete joy is in your presence. Pleasures are by your side forever." Psalm 16

"Help"

I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.

There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.

With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.

Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.

This one has proven a bit different.

We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.

A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.

One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.

When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.

Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.

Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".

I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.

Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.

When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.

Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!

We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.

Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.

- Wait for It -

Two years ago, Halloween was difficult for me. There was a huge party at our church and we had gotten the CUTEST costume for Finn - a monkey for our monkey.

However, I could not take him because I had class. I could not even consider skipping class because I had a presentation that evening. It was brutal to miss such a special night.

So, while I presented on things to remember when counseling Asian Americans, I longed to be with my monkey boy. My body was in a classroom in Vermillion, but my heart was with my boy at his first Halloween party. I rushed out of class and tried to make it to a bit of the party, but by the time I got there, my mom had already changed Finn out of his costume because it was making him so warm. I did not get to see him in his costume on Halloween. I didn't even get a picture!

It was possibly the most difficult night of that whole semester for me, but I knew that I had to push through and finish my classes. It was simply a sacrifice that had to be made. It was one year. I could miss some stuff for one year while finishing my degree. That's what I told myself, but I didn't always believe me. I wanted to be with my boy.

By the time the next Halloween rolled around, I was so stinking excited to go with my boys (I had two by then) that I watched the calendar days pass with eager anticipation, praying that no one would get sick.

We arrived at the church early that night so that the boys could see their dad for a bit before the party really got started. As Matt is employed at the church, he always has jobs to do throughout the event and couldn't help much with the boys.

Once Matt had to leave, I went up to his office so that I could nurse Jonas and get both boys dressed in their costumes. As I was working trying to get them both dressed and keep them content, a single thought crossed my mind.............

"This is haaard. Have I really been waiting a year for this? When does the fun start?"

Did I really wait a year to finagle the boys into their costumes, have Jonas spit up on his 30 minutes later, have my own half-hearted costume destroyed by the end of the night, carry Jonas around for 3+ hours without a break, watch Finn spend almost 2 hours on the same blow-up slide only to then walk around in his Superman t-shirt and bare feet when he got too hot, and get a headache from my obnoxious '80's hairdo?

Yes!!!!!

This past year was better, thanks to a massive assist from Matt's mom. But still, I was pooped by the end of the night. Chasing two toddlers around a big church filled with lots of exciting things is, in a word, exhausting. It's so, so fun, but it's also hard.

I realize the older that I get that the hard stuff is the good stuff. Anything worth anything is going to be worth some sort of battle.

Marriages, dream jobs, sweet and respectful children, good relationships........

all of these things take hard work and committment. Some days it may not all seem to be truly worth it.

But what we value is shown by what we fight for.

We are tenacious with those things that we are passionate about.

So was the Halloween wait worth it for me when it proved to be a lot of work? Two years in a row?

Absotutely-rutely.

The look on Finn's face as he tackled each new inflatable with non-relinquishing gusto.
Getting to see Jonas wear the monkey costume that I missed seeing on Finn.
Watching other adorable kids in their costumes and seeing that this outreach was a blessing to the community.

The hard stuff is the good stuff.
The good stuff is haaaaaaard.

But oh so very worth it.

I think that God often allows a waiting time into our lives before we get something that we truly desire. Since the good stuff CAN be hard at times, we are less likely to take it for granted or wish it away if we had to wait and pine for it before we received it.

Paul comes to my mind; Paul and his desire to visit Rome. Paul longed to visit Rome and encourage them. He writes to the Roman church in Romans 1:10-12 - "And God, whom I so love to worship and serve by spreading the good news of his Son-the Message!-knows that every time I think of you in my prayers, which is practically all the time, I ask him to clear the way for me to come and see you. The longer this waiting goes on, the deeper the ache. I so want to be there to deliver God's gift in person and watch you grow stronger right before my eyes!"

It is safe to say that Paul yearned to visit the Roman church, but he states in verse 13 that "something has always come up and prevented it".

It is so tempting to start shaking a mighty finger at God when we feel as though we have been waiting too long.

It was tempting to do that when I was missing Halloween night with my Finn two years ago. "This is a big event in his life, God! Why tonight? I HATE SCHOOOOOOOL!!!!" (I don't really, but I am known to be a little dramatic when my emotions get stirred).

And that is just one example of many. There are many bigger, tougher things for which to wait. It was tough being single and waiting to meet Matt. It was tough finishing my internship and waiting for that blissful graduation date. There have been tough times waiting for a good job, relational healing, God to speak. The list could go on and on and is unique for each person.

But in my experience with waiting, I have come to know a few things. God is amazingly faithful. I see when I look back in retrospect the beauty of His ways and why He works like He does. God doesn't move when I want Him to, He moves when He needs to. He does not withhold things from me that are necessary for His plans. His ways are good and trustworthy, even when they make zero sense to me.

I don't have to make sense of God. I need to trust Him.

"Then the Lord replied: 'Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.'" (Habakkuk 2:2-3)

I also have come to see the tenderness of God in restoring what has been lost. Even being able to see Jonas in the monkey costume was so sweet for me. It will never replace not seeing Finn in it or not celebrating that night with him, but there was a redemptive quality to passing the costume on and watching that monkey butt waddle around the entire church.

I even see it within our greater family. My brother Matt was killed in a car accident when he was 22 years old. Our family now has two more Matts in it, plus two sweet first-borns with Matthew as a middle name. The fact that our family is so laughably exploding with boys (my mom just became a grandmother to her 8th grandson) screams to me about God's love and mercy. This bounty of boys will never replace the one that was lost, but there is a restorative healing that comes when we embrace the many that we have now. 

The waiting is not wasted. Nothing is ever wasted in God's hand.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

With that said, how do we know that we are waiting well?

Whatever you do have at this moment, be faithful with it. Take whatever you've been given and invest it (Matthew 25:14-30). Don't bury it and twiddle your thumbs, waiting for what you "really" want.

I think of Matt, who worked as a special education teacher for years before he stepped into a job he fully desired as a worship leader. I had a front row seat to see how God used those years of waiting to deepen Matt's relationship with Himself, to increase his skills, and broaden his support system. Those things have been essential to Matt's success as a worship leader because, newsflash: life in the ministry is not easy.

Matt did not idly sit around and long for a different job, but he made himself useful how he could and God ushered him into a great position at a time when God could receive the glory.

If you're single and waiting, stop giving energy to looking for the right one and use this waiting time to become the right one. Practice doing relationship well by valuing your friends and family and helping them feel loved. 

If you're waiting for that perfect job, be excellent at the one you already have.
If you are in a season of "stuckness" and don't know what's on the horizon or what you even want and you certainly don't know how to get there, invest the time by studying His Word and His ways. Then, whenever you do get to the next step, you'll be taking it in closer relationship with Him. There's no bad there.

"It's in the season of waiting where character is forged and refined. It's where we learn new skills, discover what we're passionate (and not passionate) about. Don't waste your wait." (Joel Delgado, Relevant Magazine). 

Dog Toys

A few days ago, I was cleaning, Jonas was sleeping, and Finn was playing. It was exciting times at the Fjerkenstad household!

Like many people, we keep our cleaning supplies underneath our kitchen sink. When I moved to clean the bathroom, I left the door to said cabinet open. Normally it is child lock protected and dutifully shut every time. I guess I got a little lazy.

Finn's curiosity got the better of him and he started digging through a treasure trove of cleaning bottles and Target bags.

Suddenly, I heard him proclaim, "Mommy! There's toys in here!"

I peeked my head around from the bathroom and said, "There aren't any toys in there, Finn."

"Yes there are!!!" he urged me.

Then it dawned on me: we used to keep chew toys for our dog underneath the sink…Eureka!

I said to my funny boy, "Finn, if there are toys down there, believe me - you don't want them."

"I do…" he insisted.

As this conversation continued, I thought of the oodles of toys that Finn already had in his possession. Already, our living room was overflowing with superheroes, Little People, and Legos.

Yet Finn was searching for more. Even worse, there was inflection in his words that suggested that we were holding out on him.

"Sweet boy," I said again, "Trust me you don't want anything under there." With that, I closed the cabinet and somewhere in the back of my mind, I made a mental note to clean and purge under our sink.

However, as I continued my cleaning spree, it dawned on me that sometimes we treat God our Father that same way.

We ignore the bounty before us and are in a continuous search for more…..More…..MORE!!!!!

There is a continuous aching in us that is forever longing for something more.

C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

Until we are in our forever home of heaven, we will always be aching for something.

And because of that aching, we often point the finger at God and question His authority and His goodness to us.

We believe that He is holding out on us. If He were truly our provider and our sustainer, then surely we wouldn't feel this constant longing.

All the while, He is showing us all of the amazing gifts we have already received.

Love. Breath. Sunsets. Nature. Beauty. Laughter. Emotion. Intellect. Spiritual gifts. Love…again (it's so important I had to put it twice!)

Romans 8:31-32 says, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Look around and be encouraged.

God is not holding out on us. He has given us everything.

In other words, there is no need to dig around for a glimpse of dog toys when you have superheroes and Little People in front of you.

Trust Him - He knows what you need and He will never withhold any good thing from you.

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11

Epiphany

I had an epiphany tonight as I walked into my tiny kitchen to stir my dinner of bean and bacon soup. I stepped over my husband's legs and my son's toys as Pinners whimpered after me.

And I thought, simply, 'Life is good'. I picked up the spoon, stirred, and smiled into the wall as I had a sense of overflowing joy for the blessings in my life. Such an average night; such a random moment; such a wondrous realization.

This realization hit me at a place where I have been worried about the future and its unknown murkiness.

Suddenly, like an actual lightbulb sparking above my head, it hit me that God is the One gracious enough to bring me to this place of contentment, joy, life.

Will He not continue to care for us and lavish us with love and good things?

It may not be the way that I suspect or would choose for it to go, but it will be good.

If only because He goes with me.

Errr.....Awkward Pause

I hate awkward pauses. I think that is the primary reason that I am not a fan of small talk.

"How are you?"
"Good! How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Err....ummmm.....uhhhhhh. "

.........................awkward.................................pause.

"Okay then! See you later!"

But really I think I hate it because I am not very good at it, unlike my husband who I have always said could have a conversation with a wall:

"Hey wall! How are you? I like your paint! You're pretty sturdy! Say hello to your mother for me, alright?"

I often don't initiate conversation with others unless I can mentally note about 5 conversation topics should the awkward pause rear its ugly head. Its really that bad for this introverted, shy, clumsy girl.

As I was driving down to Vermillion yesterday for class, I was praying for my family and it hit me that sometimes life feels like one, long awkward pause. It is as though we are always in a state of paused waiting....waiting to graduate college, waiting to find "the one", waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the big job. Waiting for the answer to our prayers.

And I think that if I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that as soon as God answers one of my prayers, it isn't long before I delve back into longing for something. Therefore, life as one long pause.

I began thinking about those who lived in a state of pause in the Bible:
Abraham - waiting for the promised child
Moses - waiting for entrance into the promised land
Joseph - waiting through imprisonment for his chance to save his people
Esther - waiting many months to be the king's choice

Life is waiting. And there is so much that needs to be experienced in the pauses. I read this morning in Streams in the Desert:

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music...Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God himself will count the time for us." - John Ruskin

I often find that when God is really trying to drive a point home to me, he is very consistent in what He shows me. Hence, my thoughts of living in the pauses of life on my way to class last night. Hence, reading this this morning:

"Like the faith diggers do every day, we bury our swollen prayers in Him who's raised from the tomb. We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good. Good always necessitates long waiting....this waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God." - Ann Voskamp

There is much to be experienced in the pauses of life. We are not to doubt or manipulate to get what we want in order to have some facade of control. Rather, we are to trust in God despite the circumstances. Real faith overflows in us when we choose to trust God even in the long moments of waiting, when He hits the "Pause" button on our tape deck (yes, tape deck!)

One of my favorite songs says, "When the suffering's all that I see, may I walk with you by faith and not by sight." (The Father's Heart-Hillsong).

My faith comes to full fruition when I choose to trust even when I do not understand. God hasn't promised that I would always understand; but He did promise to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

I remember when I was swollen in pregnancy with Finn and I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. There were some moments when I literally didn't think that I could wait any longer. And in a moment of great need, I randomly found this verse tucked into one of my old planners:

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right - everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones" (Isaiah 30:18 MSG).

That verse spoke to me everything I needed to hear in that moment and a few days later, my sweet boy was in my arms.

My mom is well aware of the pauses that we feel like we are living in. As she was reading the Word this past weekend, she sent me Habukkuk 2:3 and felt that it was to be our family's promise during this time:

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

Though it linger, wait for it. Though the pause is awkward and uncomfortable, know it won't last forever. Though the music tarries, enjoy the rest in full confidence of the next note.