Big Old, Bright Red Target - Armor of God Intro

I knew I was asking for it.

I knew that if I took the necessary steps to teach this Bible study, it would be drawing a target on my back. I knew that God would want to walk me through what I was teaching before I got up in front of His precious women and acted like I knew what I was talking about. I knew that the information from the Bible study could change lives.

So I fought it for a few weeks. I bided my time. And then, finally, I allowed the big old, bright red target to be drawn on my back. I asked for it.

I signed on to teach the Armor of God study by Priscilla Shirer at my church. It has been a fabulous, difficult summer of learning and teaching! But I am not stopping there, no. I feel as though I am also supposed to write about the things that I learned and taught throughout this summer. God has seen me through so much. He's incredibly faithful. Maybe there is someone who could not attend the class but will read these words so that the powerful truth from this study can continue impacting and changing lives.

That's my hope, anyway.

Being more timid by nature, I tend to like to fly under the radar. But I have learned over time that that tactic absolutely does not work. Somehow, some way, I still get targeted; perhaps you feel the same? We may as well embrace it and wield the tools that can help us to battle.

My pastor gave a sermon a few weeks ago on the things that get under our skin and fire us up with a holy passion. That resonated with me because something immediately jumped to my mind that made it personal: I get passionately worked up when I hear of women who struggle with anxiety and depression.

The numbers are staggering, and they make me angry. And that, essentially, is why I chose to teach about the armor of God. Because there is a specific plan for battle, and victory is ours. We just need to live it.

Since Eve, the enemy has relished targeting women. I believe that the enemy loves to target women through our tender spots: our emotions and relationships.

Maybe you struggle with fearful thoughts and imagining worst case scenarios.
Maybe you are tired from fighting off thoughts of sadness and hopelessness.
Maybe you feel sick about how you cannot keep your temper and emotions under control.
Maybe you feel like a relational leper because you cannot seem to love others in healthy ways.
Maybe you let people walk all over you and have never felt loved in a way that feeds your soul.
Maybe you feel tied up in knots because of a fight that never seems to resolve.

Many days we feel like we're losing the battle. But it doesn't have to be that way.

In God's hands, our emotions and gift for relationship, the things that Satan wants to use to bring us down, can become strengths. 

Yet, in order to win the battle, we must first suit up.

Ephesians 6:10-18:
"Finally, receive your power from the Lord and from his mighty strength. Put on all the armor that God supplies. In this way you can take a stand against the devil's strategies. This is not a wrestling match against a human opponent. We are wrestling with rulers, authorities, the powers who govern this world of darkness, and spiritual forces that control evil in the heavenly world. For this reason, take up all the armor that God supplies. Then you will be able to take a stand during these evil days. Once you have overcome all obstacles, you will be able to stand your ground. So then, take your stand! Fasten truth around your waist like a belt. Put on God's approval as your breastplate. Put on your shoes so that you are ready to spread the Good News that gives peace. In addition to all these, take the Christian faith as your shield. With it you can put out all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Also take salvation as your helmet and the word of God as the sword that the Spirit supplies. Pray in the Spirit in every situation. Use every kind of prayer and request there is. For the same reason be alert. Use every kind of effort and make every kind of request for all of God's people".

The Anxiety Monster and Singing

When I decided to start a blog 4+ years ago, I wasn't really sure what I was going to write about every time. It ended up normally including some sort of parenting lesson I was learning courtesy of Finn, or commemorating some special event or memory in my life. It kept my love for writing alive.

I never thought that I could write about parenting techniques, because I certainly don't feel like an expert.
I never thought I could write about fashion or makeup, because I'm so not on the cusp of it.
I never thought I could write about tv shows or entertainment, because it feels kind of empty and fruitless.
I never thought I could write about fitness tips or tricks, because come on, let's get serious.

I didn't have any knowledge that could help a reader out.

So I just kind of wrote about our lives, and my personal experiences. I wrote about God nearly every time, because He's intensely personal to me.

Writing helps me process the chaos in my mind, and I guess I share it because truly, I hope others can identify and get something out of what I've walked through. Let's all just be messes together, am I right?

One of the biggest insecurities I have about putting our lives out there is, "Gretchen, do you really think people care? How many stories can you tell about yourself, really? Are you that self-involved that you can't talk about anything else?" The voices of insecurity play on inside my head.

But really, I write about my stories because my personal experience is the only thing I feel like I am an expert at.

However, the other night, I was with my best friend and we got on the topic of how we often go through hard times so that we are able to better help others through similar circumstances (2 Corinthians 1). I shared with her how I've been able to help many of our young adult women through anxiety because it's a monster in my life that I've had to learn to conquer. I've been able to use my personal experience with it to teach others about walking through it in the strength of God.

I said to Chanelle, "I could probably just keep a blog all about anxiety and how to deal with it on a daily basis."

I've dealt with anxiety so much that sometimes I feel like an expert at it.

For the past year and a half or so, my anxiety has flared up every time I am to sing in public. Now, I've always been a little nervous to sing in front of people, but that was just the shy girl in me. Since last February, however, it has been a much more intense, sometimes debilitating fear. So debilitating in fact, that I have been tempted to walk away from it entirely: "Maybe God just never meant for me to be a singer and I'm trying too hard to be something I'm not".

I've never counted myself as the best singer in any room, especially any room that my husband is in, but it is something I have genuinely loved all my life. I come alive when I hear music. I have music going constantly at home. Even when it's silent I'm usually singing whatever song is stuck in my head at that moment. I love to connect to God through music; I love looking at Him through lyrics and singing them, meaning every word with all my heart. I feel His presence in those moments.

But I had allowed the joy of singing to be stolen from me by giving anxiety a foothold - again - in my mind. Every time I was to sing in public, I became petrified that my voice was going to give out on me. I consistently thought that my throat felt scratchy and agitated. For days before singing, I would avoid talking on the phone, having long conversations with my husband, and even reading books to my boys in order to "save" my voice. It began to take over my life on those days.

Nobody has ever argued that anxiety is always rational, after all.

When I realized that I had allowed something I loved very much to be tarnished by anxiety, I began to get angry. It has been my experience that anger can be a healthy antidote to anxiety. It shows a fighting spirit and an unwillingness to back down to the bully that is anxiety.

Anxiety has to be fought. It will not go away on it's own. The more leeway it is given, the more it takes over. One has to be more stubborn than it - choosing over and over again, 100 times a day if needed - to focus on faith more than fear.

I'm still not totally over this particular battle. It continues to be a mental boxing match, but oh, the strides that have been taken. After all, sometimes battles are won slowly.

Each time I get up and sing even when I'm afraid, I put one more nail in the coffin of anxiety.

I now refuse to stifle my voice in the days beforehand, choosing to believe that God will use my voice as long as it's offered, and whether it's tired or not.

This whole singing ordeal has been one more ride on the anxiety carousel for me. Although it has been suffocating and frustrating and humiliating to the point that I only spoke of it with those closest to me, it has taught me more about the anxiety monster and more about the faithfulness of God. I wouldn't trade that for anything.

This past weekend I was leading a song for worship and began feeling anxious as soon as my husband told me on Wednesday evening. Thursday I happened to read this: "Do not be afraid any longer, only believe." (Mark 5:36).

That's God's grace, right there. I repeated that verse to myself over and over again during the next few days. I acted on it, willing myself away from anxious thoughts and focusing on belief. It carried me up to the moment I opened my mouth to sing.

Showing up afraid and singing anyway helps me to defeat the anxiety monster.

I can give you names of sermons I've listened to and books I've read and and verses I've memorized and songs I've heard that have helped me immensely against anxiety.

But, truly, the greatest weapon that I have found in defeating it totally lies in one thing: trusting that God loves me.

When I trust that God loves me, I am able to surrender to whatever His plans are for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I can relax in His ability to care for me.
When I trust that God loves me, I know He works all things - even hard things - for good.
When I trust that God loves me, I honor Him.

Nothing, truly, matters more than that.

What's the Big Deal About Easter?

When I was a little girl, my mom was in a singing group called Gentle Praise. They sang beautifully and wore matching outfits and I loved watching them sing together. My favorite song that they sang was "This Same Jesus", a wonderful '80's song that ministered each time they performed. I would sit there, wide-eyed, and just feel the feels that the song brought about. I found the original version today on YouTube, and while it's not Gentle Praise, the Talleys do it decently too! If you listen, enjoy the excellently vintage Jesus clips:

This song still actually ministers to me, but not quite in the same way. When I was little, I used to imagine Jesus' second coming and watch for Him in the clouds when they broke apart in particularly beautiful ways. It still stirs my heart to think of it. This song speaks powerfully of the past that was and future to come. 

But...what about the present? 

I know that Easter has gotten rather muddled over the last couple decades or so. The Easter Bunny is a distraction and Jesus didn't die just so we could give our kids candy. I know it's easy to get lost in all of that. It's easy, especially for those who don't know Jesus, to ask, "What's the big deal about Easter?"

For me, it absolutely is that Jesus was beaten and crucified for my sins. 

It absolutely is that His love for me is what compelled him onward when He could have ravaged everyone ravaging Him. 

It absolutely is the fact that the grave could not hold Him and He overcame death in His power. 

But also, this: HE'S STILL ALIVE!!!!! That SAME Jesus that rose 2,000+ years ago, is the SAME Jesus that is with us today. Romans 8:34 says, "Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died -- more than that, who was raised to life --is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us".

His mission of love met it's fulfillment on the cross, but it is still with us today. He died, rose to life, and intercedes for us. His love goes on!!! And on, and on, and on (and on, and on, and on). 

And on. 

A couple of months ago, I was inspired to put together a drama for Easter Sunday. From the moment I set out to do it, I heard a song and knew exactly what the drama should be about. Essentially, the message of the drama is this: that the same Jesus who conquered the grave on that first Easter morning is the same Jesus who is with us in our current messes. He has the same power and love that He did then, and He still lavishes it on us. 

How does He still work today?

 - He loves us as a father. In Luke 11:2, He instructs that when we pray, we address Him as Father. A good father is a protector and provider, armed with strength and love. God is the ultimate good Father. Psalm 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling." Psalm 27:10 says, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

A father doesn't go anywhere. A father is a steady foundation. A father sacrifices for His children. 

Yep. Nailed it. That's my God. 

 - He sends angels in times of need. I can't speak of this personally, because I'm not sure I've ever felt it. But I absolutely believe it. I've heard amazing testimonies about it. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvations?" Luke 4:10 says, 'For it is written, 'He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you carefully.". There's a peace that comes when we realize His heart to love and protect us. Bad things happen, yes, but nothing outside of the realm of His control. His love, in any situation, is absolutely trustworthy. 

 - He uses us. As Christians, we do not get to sit idly by when things are going well. We are to be diligent and active in our prayer and worship. Through these things, God will often compel us to minister to others. 2 Corinthians 2:1 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." Have you ever felt compelled to walk with someone through a hard time because you understood exactly how awful it was? That's God using you. So we wouldn't get too puffed up about that, we are reminded that it is through His strength that we serve (1 Peter 4:11). Philippians 2:13 : "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose". 

These are interesting times. There is so much nastiness and hate absorbing our world. In all of the headlines and stomach-churning news, our ONLY HOPE remains Jesus. His love, His sacrifice, His mercy. 

God is working in every day life. He's there if you're looking. 

For anyone reading this who has no plans to attend a church on Easter Sunday, I invite you to mine. It is a love-filled church and you will be welcomed as you are. Services are 8:30 and 10:45 (Donuts at 10 and Easter egg hunt for the kiddos at 10:15)!!! 

Sioux Falls First Assembly of God, 6300 W. 41st St.

Matthew 28:1-10: "After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him'. Now I have told you'. So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them, 'Greetings,' he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, 'Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me'". 

Talented Lumps of Clay

Being that I have a passion for psychology and the human mind, I tend to do a lot of evaluating. I evaluate why I am the way I am, why others are the way they are, what childhood trauma caused my husband to eat the last piece of pizza, and how getting upset with my son this morning will irrevocably mess him up for all future relationships.

Just kidding. Sort of.

But truly, I love a good personality test and I love the defining lines that they can give to the messy, vacillating orb that is my personality.




Lately, I have been seeking God a lot lately about the topic of talents.

Not the fraa-laa-laa-laa American Idol audition kind of talents.

But the Biblical kind of talents, the kind that we are supposed to be investing and growing, lest we be thrown outside into the darkness where teeth tend to gnash (Matthew 25:14-30).

Put simply, I want to be used. I want to matter. I want to be a tool to give God glory.

During our church's corporate fast this past month, that is one thing about which I was seeking God.

Where do you want me? Am I investing my talents in ways that honor You?

In this season of my life, with two squishy young 'ins, investing talents tends to be more difficult.

- I sporadically sing on the worship team, but it is often with spit-up on my shirt (or this past week, coffee).
- I make connections with some of our young adult women, but it is often electronically via Facebook or text. When it is in person, there is typically a little person grabbing my hair or jumping off couches for attention.
- I dream about creating human videos, but my bold visions are often thwarted by realistic wet blankets like limited practice time.

So I do what I can do.

I absolutely invest in the lives of my boys. I know 100% that they are my greatest investments. For them I love, I teach, I discipline, I lead, I clean (usually), I cook (meagerly), I load dishes and laundry machines. I snuggle. I squish their squishy faces.

But I do more than these things because I also believe that investment can lie outside of the boundaries of family. After all, I am more than a wife and mommy. I am a woman. I am a servant of God.

I ask, I seek, I pray, I offer.

During these last few weeks, God has definitely guided me in a certain direction that has filled me with excitement and expectation.

This is the rough version of how God spoke to me about talents over the last few weeks:

1. Use what you have. Take time and evaluate yourself - identify what you are good at, what you are not so good at. Be honest. If you're not sure, ask God to show you and He absolutely will. God made you the way He did for a reason and purpose and He longs to see you utilizing the traits He has placed within you.

Also, use what God has brought you through. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us..." (MSG).

There are reasons we cannot fathom for going through the dark days we go through; but often it is so that we can help others who need a hand in their own darkness. If God has brought you through something incredibly hard, it brings Him glory when you help someone else in a similar situation.

2. Invest yourself. Prayerfully, with consideration, but invest yourself. Get busy about the things that you are passionate about. Whatever gets you excited, whatever you find immense joy in - get busy! Passion doesn't just mean positive emotions either - whatever stirs up feelings of anger, indignation, or injustice - do something! Think outside the box and get creative. You don't have to just fill holes left empty by someone else.

Forget insecurity. Remember that God loves you and cling to that. Find rest in His deep, abiding love. Find your security not in what you can bring to the table, but in the God who has called you.

3. You don't need to use allllllll your gifts at one time. I believe that some gifts we have are for certain seasons of our lives. For example, I love to write and journal about what God is doing in my life. Sometimes I am able to whittle out some time to write, sometimes I am not. I just try to do it when I feel inspired, when I feel led.

Also, some of our gifts need to be honed and refined before we use them greatly. Take my handsome and hunky and bearded hubs; Matt is an amazingly gifted worship leader, but he refined his gift for years before God opened the door and said, "Now. Go."

There is much to be said for funneling all of your energies into one or two areas of service; if you spread yourself too thin, then you're probably not serving anywhere abundantly enough to matter. Bring it before God and ask. He loves to be asked (especially when we wait long enough to listen)!

4. Don't compare yourself to others who have similar giftings. There is only one you and God can best use you in the areas He has planned for you - no one else can matter in the way you matter. God has certain ministries, conversations, lives set up along the pathway He has for you. You need only to pay attention to Him and obey, so that you can walk in it.

Romans 12:6 says, "Let's just be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't" (MSG).

I read somewhere that when we compare ourselves to others, we wind up either disappointed or prideful. I, for one, don't wish to be either of those things. Does anybody?


Lastly....

Matt and I went to "Catching Fire" a few weeks ago. One really great aspect of that movie is comraderie and teamwork; every person had a skill that they used as their main weapon and helped to serve the greater purpose. Katniss - archery, Finnick - strength and coordination, Beetee - eccentric smarts, Johanna - axe, Peeta - camoflauge (oh Peeta....how boring).

They utilized other skills and traits, but they really leaned upon what they were innately good at.

I really think there is something to that. It is futile to try to fight the battle of life with weapons that are not a natural fit.

Seek God, ask Him which of your traits and abilities He can best use for His glory.

You will be amazed at what He can do with a a malleable lump of clay.

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." C.T. Studd

Christianese

I was born into a Christian family who literally lived at the church for the first few formative years of my life. If there was a service, we were there. If a member of our family was sick, we went anyway. We were often one of the first to arrive and most often the last to leave.

I have known God my whole life.

And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.

I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.

My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.

My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.

All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.

I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".

Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.

There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.

We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.

I know I am guilty of it.

For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.

In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.

And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.

But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.

Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.

Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.

For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.

The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.

Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.

It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.

He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.

Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."

Beautiful Ashes

This past Sunday morning, I was doing my weekly exercise of "chase Finn around the church as he explores".

He wandered into the gym where kid's church is held. As he continued his exploration, I got to listen to a bit of the message. Pastor Jeff was holding up two cards, one that read "YES" and one that read "NO". As per most children's pastors, he spent some time teasing the kids, asking them if they could read what was printed on the "YES" card. When they would respond with a resounding "Yes!", he would playfully ask what the word was. Again, "Yes!" was screamed and Pastor Jeff would act befuddled and it went round and round like this for awhile. It was a rousing round of "Who's On First" for the elementary masses.

It didn't take too long, however, for several of the kids to catch on. There were a rebel few who began to see through Pastor Jeff's gamely charade and would shout, "No!" to everyone else's "Yes!". They were ahead of the crowd and chose a contrary way of proving that they had the game figured out.

And I just laughed to myself there in the back of the gym. Those contrary ones who catch on so quickly and go against the grain don't always make things easy on figures of authority. They've got it all figured out and are bent on proving it.

But then it also hit me how those contrary ones are trailblazers and quite possibly the future leaders of the rest of us. They are the ones who aren't content with the norm and they strive to be heard, to make a difference.

It all just started me thinking how God uses those sometimes "unappealing to others" aspects of our personalities to bring about His will. He truly turns ashes into beauty as we surrender the ashes to Him.

It makes me think of how I have heard that my husband was as a child: boundlessly energetic, fearless, adventurous........in a word, tiring :).

To see how God has taken all of those qualities and molded them for His purpose is lovely: Matt is an anointed worship leader whose energy and passion inspire those around him.

I was blessed to do a human video yesterday in church that I created when I was 17 years old. From the time that I was a pre-teen, I would create "dances" in my room to various songs (many of which were sung by Amy Grant). Since I was never much of a dancer, these dances were really just random movements set to the music......a pre-cursor for the human videos I would someday create. What my siblings would have called annoying and amateurish and hilarious (not in the good way), God turned to use for good. And it just amazes me that God is able to use the kicks and flicks that I set to music to speak to people and give Him glory.

 For those who did not grow up in an A/G church and don't know what a human video is - you are missing out!! Here is one of my favorites for a visual:

Essentially, human video = drama set to music

It can be so easy for us to be hyper-critical of ourselves and the character flaws that we feel that we possess. But when we view things from God's perspective, we are able to see the beauty shining through the ashes.

In Worship

Well, my latest blog was kind of an emotional dud. 

I process my feelings very much while I write and that sometimes means that I don't have it all together or have anything figured out when I type. 

It definitely felt a little topsy turvy to me. 

And that's okay. I'm topsy turvy sometimes. 

Sometimes faith is a fight and I think that post reflects that. 

But there are some aspects of my faith that are less of a struggle and more natural to me. 

Worship is like that for me. It is illuminating and strengthening. 

When I worship, I feel as though I am doing what I am called to do - whether or not I have a mic in my hands.

When I worship, things between me and God are in their proper position. He is high and exalted and I am not. I am reveling in His beauty and power and grace. 

A few years ago, Matt was doing an internship at a church in town. A lady came in, receiving a tour. When she realized who he was and who he was married to, she told him that she knew my family quite well back in the day because she had been friends with my sister, Missy. She told Matt that the last memory that she had of me was riding my tricycle and singing loudly to Jesus. When my brother, Matt, told me that I was annoying the neighbors, I told them that at least I was annoying them for Jesus! 

I have loved Jesus for as long as I can remember, and worship is a main way that I get to pour that out.

Worship is even what brought me and my husband together (well, worship and Saved By the Bell), and I LOVE that. 

I remember as a little girl sitting in the front row at church, I raised my hands in worship with gusto. I then peeked out of the corner of my eye to see 2 older girls pointing at me and giggling. My hands came down, suddenly self-aware. 

It is my hope now to lose my self-awareness in worship and become more and more God-aware. Aware of His presence, aware of His mercy, aware of His beauty. 

Psalms has been my favorite book in the Bible for as long as I can recall. King David was a worshiper and I have always identified with him. The highs and lows, the faith that proclaims and the doubt that questions. 

"I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart,

I'm writing the book on your wonders. 

I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy; 

I'm singing your song, High God." - Psalm 9:1-2 (MSG)

"I hate all this silly religion,

but you, God, I trust.

I'm leaping and singing in the circle of your love; 

you saw my pain,

you disarmed my tormentors, 

You didn't leave me in their clutches

but gave me room to breathe." - Psalm 31:6-8 (MSG)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; 

His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 

My soul will make its boast in the Lord;

The humble will hear it and rejoice.

O magnify the Lord with me, 

And let us exalt His name together. 

I sought the Lord, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:1-4 (NASB)

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God - 

soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face. 

He's my God." - Psalm 43:5 (MSG)

"Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

I learned God-worship

when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

don't for a moment escape God's notice." - Psalm 51:16-17 (MSG)

"God-you're my God!

I can't get enough of you!

I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,

traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, 

drinking in your strength and glory.

In your generous love I am really living at last!

My lips brim praises like fountains.

I bless you every time I take a breath;

My arms wave like banners of praise to you. 

I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;

I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!

If I'm sleepless at midnight,

I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because you've always stood up for me,

I'm free to run and play.

I hold on to you for dear life,

and you hold me steady as a post." - Psalm 63:1-8  (MSG)

"Come, let us worship and bow down, 

Let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.

For He is our God,

And we are the people of His pasture and 

the sheep of His hand." - Psalm 95:6-7 (NASB)

"What can I give back to God

for the blessings he's poured out on me?

I'll lift high the cup of salvation-a toast to God!

I'll pray in the name of God;" - Psalm 116:12-13  (MSG)

"He heals the heartbroken

and bandages their wounds.

He counts the stars 

and assigns each a name.

Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;

we'll never comprehend what he knows and

does.

God puts the fallen on their feet again 

and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

Sing to God a thanksgiving hymn,

play music on your instruments to God," - Psalm 147: 3-7 (MSG)

I didn't want to write very long today; I simply felt a desire to turn my attention. 

In worship. 

Young Adult Love Overflow

I love working with young adults!

As I have written here before, I fully believe that this generation of young adults is going to change the world. They are the dreamers that have a passion and drive necessary to make a difference.

Matt and I have the immense honor of ministering to the young adult population in our church. During the Sunday School class, Monday night small group, and other hang out opportunities, we have heard the hearts of these young adults who face so many distractions in their daily lives, yet who are desperate for more of Jesus and ready to risk and sacrifice in order to know Him more.

* There are seniors graduating high school who are excited to see God's will unfold in their lives and to show God's love at the universities they will soon be attending.

* There are college students who are impacting their campuses by letting God shine naturally in their lives.

* There are others who are working full time jobs and who daily embrace the opportunities presented to them to love their co-workers and share what God is doing in their lives.

The young adult years can be many things: Tough. Educational. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Limit Pushing.

Ultimately, to one who is open to God and His will, the young adult years will be a time when one really learns the steady support that God gives.

To our young adults:

You may find yourself for the first time having no one to call on except Him; and you will find Him to be enough for your situation. You will learn that the peace He provides is real and unshakable, the love He gives is all-encompassing, and His faithfulness can be trusted.

- You will be shown that sometimes life is tough so that you can know the comfort that God gives. 

- You will be shown that sometimes life is educational so that you can realize that you are never done understanding His ways. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is inspiring so that you will see how God still does miracles. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is heartbreaking so that you can learn how God can put a heart back together. 

- You will learn that sometimes life pushes us to our limits because that is how you will grow and develop the gifts that God has blessed you with. 

It is our joy and honor to learn with you, walk with you, and support you.

We really love you guys (you know who you are!).

I posted this song because it reminds me of the difference we can make in the day-to-day monotony.

You're already making a difference!

O The Blood

Gosh, it feels like forever since I have written here. Two weeks ago was a crazy busy week trying to fit things in and get ready for Minneapolis and Dave Barnes. This past week we have all been sick, sick, sick and blogging has been near the bottom of my to-do list. And at the top? Keep breathing, take more meds, drink more water.

But I feel compelled to write today. I was driving home from church today and was listening to one of my favorite new worship songs: "O The Blood". I have been wanting Matt to do this song on a Sunday for a couple months now, and last week he finally obliged :). There is just something about this song, an anointing, that makes me cry almost every time that I hear it. So today, as I am shamelessly driving and sickly singing and ugly crying to this song, I began to wonder about how the lyrics might sound to someone who did not grow up in church.

After all, to those who aren't familiar with "church lingo" or know nothing of Christ's sacrifice, singing about blood(?) might seem a little.............strange.

O the blood, crimson love
Price of life's demand
Shameful sin, placed on Him
The hope of every man


O the blood of Jesus washes me
O the blood of Jesus shed for me
What a sacrifice, that saved my life
Yes the blood, it is my victory


Savior Son, Holy One
Slain so I can live 
See the Lamb, the Great I Am
Who takes away my sin


O the blood of the Lamb
O the blood of the Lamb
O the blood of the Lamb
The precious blood of the Lamb
What a sacrifice, that saved my life
Yes the blood, it is my victory


O what love, no greater love
Grace, how can it be
That in my sin, yes even then
He shed His blood for me

I talk a lot about God on this blog, because this blog represents my life and God is the center of my life. The characteristic I am most attracted to writing about God is His incredible love. To me, it is His most defining characteristic, the driving force behind everything else.

When I think about explaining the lyrics of this song to someone who did not grow up in church, I hope that what they would most sense would be God's abiding and infinite love. However, to be brutally honest, I don't have a lot of experience talking through my faith with those who aren't Christians. Since I rededicated my life to God when I was 14, I have dwelled in a large, comfy bubble of Christian family and friends. In high school, my best friends were my youth group and the Christian group at school. In college, a Christian university, the vast majority of my friends - except for a few, special friends I met while serving at Old Spag - were Christians. Arkansas? All friends I met while working with Chi Alpha, a Christian ministry. Alaska? All friends I met at church.

For that reason, I have never really had to share my faith. It was already shared. A couple of meager attempts that I made as a self-righteous teenager resulted in a wounded relationship with my brother and  feeling pretty puffed up about the whole situation. I wish I could take that back.

All of that to say, looking through those lyrics and singing them whole-heartedly, I know what they mean to me. I feel the aching love course through my bones with each word.

But how do I explain the blood? How do I share the meaning of the cross and sacrifice that Jesus made for us? How do I express the pull of my heart, the peace, the power, the love?

I don't know.

Maybe it will come in time. When it does, I pray that the self-righteousness of my high school years has been completely stripped away so that all that meets the person I am speaking with is the pure, unbridled love of God.

Until I can explain myself better, I guess this blog is the best source I have for expressing my faith.

More than anything, I just want people to know that God loves them. God loves them enough to send His Son to die in their place so that they could live with Him in heaven forever. Even in the utter depths of our human uglies, God loves us all enough to do whatever needed to bring us to Himself.

Maybe its best to keep it simple.

Steppin' Out with My Baby

There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!

My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.

Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.

I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!

Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.

With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.

Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.

Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,

"It doesn't have to make sense."

Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!

"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)

Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.

God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!

Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.

What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?

 Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.

Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.

 We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.

So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.

What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.

All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).

Gloomy Doomy

Uff-da.

It has been quite a day already; I feel like I have earned my mommy stripes. All day yesterday, Finn was pretty fussy and just not acting like himself. Then, last night, he slept - on average - about 30-45 minute increments. Needless to say, my poor sweet boy was not feeling well and there wasn't a whole lot that I could do about it. And there wasn't a whole lot of sleep being gotten at our house.

This morning, I was up before the sun in order to get ready for church. I was on the worship team and had to be there by 7:30. I tried to do as much as I could to myself before Finn awoke, but didn't get nearly as far as I wanted to. When Finn woke up, it was clear to see that he still was not feeling great. But I nursed him and bathed him and got him ready without much incident.

Except for the part where he pooped in the tub.

But I got him cleaned up, got the tub cleaned up, and got him dressed. As I tried getting ready, I pulled out every trick in my bag to keep him from fussing and wanting to be held. Dancing, singing, handing him things to suck on..............here it was, only 7:15 and I was already exhausted!

On the way to church, I began praying for the service and for my own spirits as they were dragging. The sky was beautiful.....the sun rising in the east was magnificent in the way that its rays were passing through the clouds. But even that wasn't lifting my spirits as it normally would. Off to the west, a dark wall of clouds was making its way into town and it was easy to see that a storm was brewing. Unfortunately, those were the clouds that better matched my mood.

All of a sudden, I saw a rainbow spreading forth against the storm clouds as the song that I was listening to sang, "Love never fails....".

And it hit me that I had a choice: I could either focus on the storm clouds rolling in, or on the rainbow and its representation of the promises of God.

If I focused on the storm clouds, my gloomy, doomy mood would be allowed to take over and the storm could rage on.

If I focused on the rainbow, the shadows of my mood could surrender to the beauty of God's promises. The storm may still come to rage its power, but it could never cause God's promises to falter or fade.

He promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

He promises to be my helper.
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

He promises that He has plans for me.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

He promises that He loves me and that nothing could come between us.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39)


What was I feeling gloomy about again?

"The Giving Tree" Church

It is probably no secret to any regular readers of my blog that I am a Christian and I grew up in church. God and church have always been a huge part of my life.

A couple of days ago I attended a retirement party for a couple that is extremely dear to me - Pastor Ron and Margo Traub. They have been my pastors for.....well....for forever.

My family began attending 1st Assembly of God church when I was 3 years old and it was often at the forefront of family activity. In other words, it was our second home for many, many years! We were at church for every service, as my mom didn't think there was any good excuse to miss - even for homework :). So every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night..............the Swanson family shuffled in like a small herd.

As I was sitting at the retirement party yesterday and seeing faces from throughout the years and watching the slideshow that chronicled the Traubs 29 years of service........I couldn't help but reflect on the barrage of memories that were being drawn up. That church and its people are tied to a plethora of my memories.

 - It's where I would sit and play in the orange chairs when we used to have church in the gym....before the sanctuary was built. I often went and sat by Dorothy Elliot because she would bring fun toys!

 - It's where I first began singing at the age of 3; "Jesus Loves Me", anyone?

 - It's where us kids would play Hide and Go Seek as we waited for our parents to pick us up from Kid's Church

 - It's where I was a flower girl in my cousin's wedding and got to wear a pretty dress with flowers in my hair and walk down the aisle with the ring "bear"

 - It's where I became an expert explorer when the new sanctuary was being built and we would wander through the construction site

 - It's where I watched my older siblings perform in the youth group plays and wished I could be that cool

 - It's where I played in the sanctuary while waiting for my parents during countless music practices, throwing my Barbies off of the balcony

 - It's where we spent Sunday nights, then headed out after church with a regular crew to meet at Rolling Pin

 - It's where I met my best friend.....standing outside the nursery when we were 7 years old and my dad was selling hers a house. She pulled my hair and told me I was her best friend. 22 years later - we are still best friends!

 - It's where I said a final goodbye to my big brother Matt - his funeral was held there in October 1995

 - It's where I performed in a play when I was 14 years old, which led to me later sitting in my car with my mom in the driveway and praying to rededicate my life to God

 - It's where we would leave for camps bright and early Monday morning being all cute and clean....and return Friday afternoon disheveled, inspired, and wearing whatever was packed at the bottom of the suitcase

 - It's where we used to turn off all the lights and play Sardines throughout the entire church building

 - It's where I participated in Singing Christmas Tree after Singing Christmas Tree......I was at various times a little girl waking up Christmas morning, a ballerina, a choir member, Mary, and a teenager up in an attic.......

 - It's where we spent countless hours playing pool in the youth room

 - It's where I would shake with nerves every time I got up to sing a solo

 - It's where we honed our skills for Fine Arts Festivals

 - It's where we worked to pull off the Valentine Dinner Theaters

 - It's where we had Graduation Sunday and I  received the Bible that would become awfully marked up during my college years

 - It's where I got married to the love of my life

 - It's where we returned after several years away and were welcomed back with open arms

 - It's where I got to sing with my husband while he led worship

 - It's where we dedicated our son to God

Looking back on these many memories has reminded me just how God has used the church to
nurture me,
mature me,
comfort me,
discipline me,
teach me,
love me.

I keep thinking of "The Giving Tree", and the tree that kept sacrificing pieces of itself in order to care for the boy it loved. In many ways, that is what the church has been for me. It is chock full of people who have sacrificed their time and given their talents so that I and many other children could grow in the knowledge of God.

I get downright giddy when I think of how incredibly grateful I am to be able to provide Finn with that same support system.

And now it is my turn. It is my turn to give and sacrifice so that others will know how MUCH God loves them.

Shoo-ee His love is extravagant! I get emotional even thinking about it. That is what people need to know.

I wish I knew how best to thank people like the Traubs who poured into my life.

I can't say for certain what they would prefer, but I venture to say that the best 'thank you' they could ever receive is seeing a life they poured into living for God's glory.

So to my parents and the Traubs and my children's pastors, youth pastors, Sunday School teachers, and many many others...............

THANK YOU.