My Secret Identity

Before I was ever even conceived, my mom prayed for me. She prayed for one more daughter, one who would look cute in braids and whom she could name Gretchen. Gretchen was a name laid on my mom's heart before I ever existed.

In the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, a person's given name was their identity. A name was bestowed with thoughtfulness and heritage. When a child was named, it was sometimes a descriptor of the child at birth but most often a prophecy about what the child would become. 

Genesis 25 tells of the naming of Esau and Jacob. Esau, so named because he was "red and hairy" at birth. Jacob, so named because he came out "grasping" at his brother's heel.

Ruth 1 describes the agony of Naomi, who after great tragedy purposefully changed her name from Naomi ("pleasant") to Mara ("bitter").

1 Samuel 1 tells how Hannah, after praying for a child for years, named her sweet child Samuel ("heard of God").

There are dozens of other examples.

Names give identity.

During the formative years of my life, I found my identity by being a part of a big, church-going family.  We were the Swansons, ya'll! We were always at church, or at least that's what it felt like.

Mom played the piano and Dad played the organ and we all sang.

I was the youngest, so I was endeared as the baby of the family. I was Little Sister and Youngest Daughter and I belonged. My mom had prayed to God specifically for me and I knew I was wanted and cherished.

And then, to some extent, my family fell apart.

My parents divorced. We moved houses again. We changed churches. Mom started working longer hours so that we had food in the pantry. Mom got remarried. My brother passed away. My other siblings moved away.

We were no longer infallible. We were destructible.

Largely because of that, my identity suffered. The who I had been vanished. With the changes in my world, I found unhealthy ways to deal with my emotions and I uncovered parts of myself that I did not like so very much. I had attitude for days and rolling my eyes was my signature move. I snapped at people a lot when I felt out of control. I was angry.

Seemingly suddenly, I was identifying only with the negative parts of myself: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I no longer felt like the beloved, cherished, desired daughter and sister.

I lived under the shadow of those words: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I believed them about myself, because they felt true. I aligned myself with those words, and because of that I felt stifling shame.

Until…

God began teaching me about my name. I've blogged about it before, so I don't need to rehash. Long story short,

Gretchen means pearl. 

Pearls don't start out as much, just a simple grain of sand in a shell. Through irritation, a pearl is formed.

I may have began as a grain of sand, but through irritation, God could turn me into a pearl.

Something beautiful, something beloved.

Suddenly, I could identify with something positive about myself.

However, lately I have been struggling with feelings of insecurity that I thought had long ago been faced and dealt with. For the past few months, just when I think I've found a firm footing when it comes to how I feel about myself, the terrain shifts again and I'm flailing.

I was praying about my frustration and asking God what in the world was going on with me. Where did my confidence go? Where did my confidence IN HIM go?

And ever so gently, one question came to my mind:

"In what are you finding your identity?"

So I did some digging.

Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my family - Mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. 
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my life's calling - Counselor. Pastor's Wife. Worshiper. 
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my personality traits - Sensitive. Dramatic. Sarcastic. 

As honorable and true as those things are, when they are the only ways I identify myself, I am  basically begging to feel insecure.

Because each of those things are insecure. They are fallible and shakeable.

For instance…

It is true that I will always be a sister, but the picture of what that means changes far too often for me to define myself by it.
It is true that I will always be a worshiper, but if I lose my voice tomorrow it would change the way that I worship and my identity could suffer.
It is true that I will always be sensitive, but I've seen enough episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" to know that even that can be affected by a tiny tumor on the brain.

The hard truth is that even though we think we are defining ourselves with honorable, amazing, God-given things, when we find our whole identity through our relationships, or callings, or personality traits, we are aligning ourselves with things that are inconsistent or shakeable.

Like when I was a child and felt my identity completely wrapped within my family.

Families and life callings and personality traits fail us.

God cannot. Christ cannot.

When we find our identity in Him, we find an identity that cannot be shaken by circumstances.

Take a second and really think about that. We have an eternal security!!!!

This is exciting stuff here, folks.

When our identity is wrapped in God, we know that we are His. We belong.

When we know that we are His, we know that we are:

- His children (1 John 3:1, Hebrews 12:7, Galatians 3:26, Ephesians 5:1, Ephesians 1:4-5)
- Called (1 Peter 5:10, 1 Corinthians 7:17)
- Never alone or abandoned (Hebrews 13:5)
- Holy (Hebrews 10:10, Colossians 1:22)
- Saved (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10, Romans 10:9)
- Called to peace (Colossians 3:15)
- Provided for (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 9:8)
- A work in progress (Philippians 2:12-13, Philippians 3:12-14)
- Light (Ephesians 3:8)
- Family (Ephesians 2:19)
- Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7-8)
- Free (Galatians 5:1, 2 Corinthians 3:17)
- Heirs (Galatians 4:6-7)
- A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- Comforted (2 Corinthians 1:1-5)
- Loved ones (Hosea 2:23)
- More than conquerors (Romans 8:37)
- Known (Romans 8:26-27, Psalm 139)

And there is more…so much more!!

Find security in Him and watch all insecurity fall away.

"Lord, thank you.
I am not the mistakes I have made.
I am not the plans I have failed.
I am not the wrongs I have done.
I am not forgotten.
I am not abandoned.
I am not alone.
Because you say to the lost: come.
You say to the unlikely: beloved.
You say to the battle weary: rest.
In a hard and beautiful world, Your grade is the only pillowed relief for my tired soul.
To rest in Your making all things new."

- Ann Voskamp

Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block

The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.

Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.

Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.

It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.

Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.

It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.

Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!

When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".

I lied.

Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.

I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!

But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.

Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?

I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.

However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.

I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.

My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.

Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.

Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.

We ask, "God…why?"

Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.

But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.

Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.

The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.

Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.

Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"

There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.

No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.

So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.

Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.

I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.

I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.

I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.

I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.

Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)