We were exactly in the middle of our month long missions trip to South Africa. I, along with a few others, were randomly selected to go and speak at a women's prison just outside of Cape Town. We drove through the imposing gates of the prison and as we walked inside, steel door after steel door closed loudly behind us, locking us into the dreary building.
We started our time with worship. None of us had a guitar or piano, but we had a kickin' boombox and a cd. We got through the first song, no problem. We may have gotten through the second song as well, I cannot remember; the details have gotten a little foggy in the last ten years. Another song started playing; it was "You Raise Me Up", which was at it's peak of popularity.
I will never forget the way that these ladies joined in. Their faces shone with encouragement as they sang the words of this song.
And then, the cd started skipping. Our kickin' boombox was kicking it towards a slow death. I started praying that the song would start working. It was easy to see this song was ministering to these women and I was totally overwhelmed and intimidated at the thoughts of what could happen if we upset them or let them down. I was naive.
The song stopped playing entirely. I looked around the room with frightened eyes for one brief moment until...
the women kept right on singing. They were not going to let a boombox dinosaur ruin the moment that they were having with the song.
The singing filled the room and each face only became more beautiful.
It was a holy moment.
The ladies were in unfortunate circumstances in their lives. Truly, none of them were exactly where they desired to be. They had been met with hardship and mistakes and loneliness. Yet, they kept singing.
It reminds me of King David and his precious Psalms. There are plenty of psalms that were written in the midst of his life's pain. In the persecution, David wrote and sang. In the rejection, David wrote and sang. In his sin and shame, David wrote and sang.
His psalms speak still today that God can be found at the rock bottom of our circumstances. Each melancholy psalm pours forth its pain and then directs its gaze instead on the beauty and sovereignty of the Lord.
David too, kept singing. He let the song in his heart carry him through the storm directly into the presence of God.
Psalm 4: David begins with, "How long, exalted men, will my honor be insulted? How long will you love what is worthless and pursue a lie?" (v 2) and he ends with "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and new wine abound. I will both lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, Lord, make me live in safety." (vv 7-8)
Psalm 5: David begins, "Listen to my words, Lord; consider my sighing. Pay attention to my cry, my King and my God, for I pray to you." (v 1) and ends, "But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them shout for joy forever. May You shelter them, and may those who love Your name boast about You. For You, Lord, bless the righteous one; You surround him with favor like a shield." ( vv 11-12)
Psalm 6: David begins, "Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger; do not disciplines me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, Lord, for I am weak; heal me, Lord, for my bones are shaking; my whole being is shaken with terror. And You, Lord - how long?" (vv 1-3) and he ends with, "The Lord has heard my plea for help; the Lord accepts my prayer." (v 9).
These are just three examples from a single page of Scripture. Each psalm ends in hope. David and the other psalmists poured out their prayers, focused on God's goodness, and found their burdens lifted (except psalm 88, which ends on a painful note. But that's another blog...)
Sometimes the song can speak the words that we cannot.
When we were pregnant with Ezra and had received the report that he may have chromosomal abnormalities, we had to wait until we could follow up on that report. It was a vicious five days of waiting and wondering.
During those moments when the fear tried to choke me, I would sit at our piano and play the only song that would bring me comfort: "Good, Good Father". I would sing through tears streaming down my face and dwell on His goodness. There, sitting at the piano and focused on Him, I could truly accept whatever fate awaited my precious baby.
I kept singing. It was all that I could do.
When your circumstances are not all that you wish they were, keep singing.
When pressures are pushing in at you from every side, keep singing.
When your heart is broken and battered, keep singing.
When anxieties threaten to tear you apart on the inside, keep singing.
When the loneliness is stifling, keep singing.
When you cannot do anything else, keep singing.
In the singing, you will find Him.
Showing posts with label thanks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thanks. Show all posts
Monday, December 5, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
When Life Barks at You
Ezra fell down the stairs yesterday.
I heard him crying as I was changing out of my church clothes and in a moment of panic, wondered if I had forgotten to shut the door to the basement after laying Jonas down for a nap.
Coming around the corner into the kitchen and realizing that the door was indeed open was one of the scariest moments of my life.
I ran. I ran so fast that I don't remember how I reached him. I only remember the way I felt. I picked him up and held him close and checked him all over.
I was shaking and crying and terrified.
He was fine. Truly, I'm not sure how, but he was and is completely fine.
I, on the other hand, remained a mess. I ripped myself apart with thoughts of my incompetency as a mother. I felt like the worst mom in the world, negligent and forgetful and guilty.
The only counselor I ever saw pinpointed me from the very beginning: "You are way too hard on yourself, Gretchen." This was one of those moments. I curled into myself and fixated on my failure.
I felt sick all afternoon. The "what-if's" and "what-could-have-been's" terrorized me. I allowed them to. Logically, I knew that Ezra was okay. I knew that he was safe and healthy and perfectly perfect. Yet I was allowing my thoughts to reek complete havoc on my peace.
Then there came a moment of decision for me. I was watching a video of our worship experience yesterday morning at church. The worship that day was powerful, anointed, and broke some chains off of me. As I re-experienced that moment via video, one of the lyrics jumped out at me: "You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a child of God".
Rescue. I knew that God had rescued my boy, again. I knew that with my whole being. I just didn't know why. Then, in that moment, it hit me. God is rescuing Ezra for Himself and some greater purpose that I cannot yet fathom. Something in me just knows it. I don't need to fear losing a boy that God seems intent to rescue.
Even in my failure, I cannot break what God intends to keep whole.
I knew then that I had a choice to make. I could keep ruminating on what could have happened, or what could happen the next time I forget to do something important. I could tie myself up in knots with question after question, the worst case scenarios building a grim future for my life.
Or I could choose to see God's mercy in the situation. I could see His saving hand and pour out my gratitude to Him. I could laugh in wonder at the amazing protection that God has ordered for my precocious Ezra. That was a moment of distinction for me:
Choosing to see God's protection in my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection, and not my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection.
And then thanking Him with all I have.
A couple of nights ago, we were visiting my aunt and uncle who live on a beautiful piece of land in Canton. They have an adorable golden retriever named Jack, who is still quite puppy-like in his behavior. Jack is sweet and energetic and BIG. My boys love dogs, but they are not used to dogs that big. So when Jack bounced around with them, barking, they got scared. They ran. Jack, who thought they were playing, ran after them. This caused terrified screams and cries from their cute little faces.
There was one time in particular that Finn was running from Jack, screaming. Matt called out to him, "Finn! Finn! Just run to me!" Matt knew that if Finn would run to him, then he would be able to protect him. He would handle the dog and keep Finn safe. When Finn kept running farther and faster away, it was difficult for Matt to do anything. He needed Finn close to protect him.
However, Finn couldn't hear his daddy calling. The dog was too close and the barking was too loud. Those teeth were too big and the situation was too scary. So he cried and screamed, powerless to do much else.
This was such a vivid example to me of how God responds to us in the barking chaos of our lives. When circumstances are overwhelming, He calls out to us to come close, to draw near. He wants to enclose us in the shadow of His wing so that He can better protect us. Yet sometimes the noise and the size of our circumstances just drowns out the voice of our Father and Protector. In our fear, we end up running further away from Him Who alone can help us.
Ezra falling down the stairs was life barking at me. Barking at me about my greatest fears and my most intimate failures.
When I drew close through prayer, it was then that God could speak the words that would restore my peace and dismantle my anxiety. I could have spent many days tied up in knots and broken over what almost happened. I know myself enough to know that I could have spiraled into a hole of fear and guilt.
God is speaking. He is always speaking. I choose to stay close to Him so I can hear Him above everything else and so that He can handle the noisy dogs of life for me. Dogs chase and bark, but God draws and whispers. Dogs will demand our attention but God will invite it.
It takes desire and true intention to focus on God over the chaos of our circumstances. But when we do, we will find a Father willing and capable to protect.
I heard him crying as I was changing out of my church clothes and in a moment of panic, wondered if I had forgotten to shut the door to the basement after laying Jonas down for a nap.
Coming around the corner into the kitchen and realizing that the door was indeed open was one of the scariest moments of my life.
I ran. I ran so fast that I don't remember how I reached him. I only remember the way I felt. I picked him up and held him close and checked him all over.
I was shaking and crying and terrified.
He was fine. Truly, I'm not sure how, but he was and is completely fine.
I, on the other hand, remained a mess. I ripped myself apart with thoughts of my incompetency as a mother. I felt like the worst mom in the world, negligent and forgetful and guilty.
The only counselor I ever saw pinpointed me from the very beginning: "You are way too hard on yourself, Gretchen." This was one of those moments. I curled into myself and fixated on my failure.
I felt sick all afternoon. The "what-if's" and "what-could-have-been's" terrorized me. I allowed them to. Logically, I knew that Ezra was okay. I knew that he was safe and healthy and perfectly perfect. Yet I was allowing my thoughts to reek complete havoc on my peace.
Then there came a moment of decision for me. I was watching a video of our worship experience yesterday morning at church. The worship that day was powerful, anointed, and broke some chains off of me. As I re-experienced that moment via video, one of the lyrics jumped out at me: "You rescued me so I could stand and sing, I am a child of God".
Rescue. I knew that God had rescued my boy, again. I knew that with my whole being. I just didn't know why. Then, in that moment, it hit me. God is rescuing Ezra for Himself and some greater purpose that I cannot yet fathom. Something in me just knows it. I don't need to fear losing a boy that God seems intent to rescue.
Even in my failure, I cannot break what God intends to keep whole.
I knew then that I had a choice to make. I could keep ruminating on what could have happened, or what could happen the next time I forget to do something important. I could tie myself up in knots with question after question, the worst case scenarios building a grim future for my life.
Or I could choose to see God's mercy in the situation. I could see His saving hand and pour out my gratitude to Him. I could laugh in wonder at the amazing protection that God has ordered for my precocious Ezra. That was a moment of distinction for me:
Choosing to see God's protection in my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection, and not my failure.
Choosing to see God's protection.
And then thanking Him with all I have.
A couple of nights ago, we were visiting my aunt and uncle who live on a beautiful piece of land in Canton. They have an adorable golden retriever named Jack, who is still quite puppy-like in his behavior. Jack is sweet and energetic and BIG. My boys love dogs, but they are not used to dogs that big. So when Jack bounced around with them, barking, they got scared. They ran. Jack, who thought they were playing, ran after them. This caused terrified screams and cries from their cute little faces.
There was one time in particular that Finn was running from Jack, screaming. Matt called out to him, "Finn! Finn! Just run to me!" Matt knew that if Finn would run to him, then he would be able to protect him. He would handle the dog and keep Finn safe. When Finn kept running farther and faster away, it was difficult for Matt to do anything. He needed Finn close to protect him.
However, Finn couldn't hear his daddy calling. The dog was too close and the barking was too loud. Those teeth were too big and the situation was too scary. So he cried and screamed, powerless to do much else.
This was such a vivid example to me of how God responds to us in the barking chaos of our lives. When circumstances are overwhelming, He calls out to us to come close, to draw near. He wants to enclose us in the shadow of His wing so that He can better protect us. Yet sometimes the noise and the size of our circumstances just drowns out the voice of our Father and Protector. In our fear, we end up running further away from Him Who alone can help us.
Ezra falling down the stairs was life barking at me. Barking at me about my greatest fears and my most intimate failures.
When I drew close through prayer, it was then that God could speak the words that would restore my peace and dismantle my anxiety. I could have spent many days tied up in knots and broken over what almost happened. I know myself enough to know that I could have spiraled into a hole of fear and guilt.
God is speaking. He is always speaking. I choose to stay close to Him so I can hear Him above everything else and so that He can handle the noisy dogs of life for me. Dogs chase and bark, but God draws and whispers. Dogs will demand our attention but God will invite it.
It takes desire and true intention to focus on God over the chaos of our circumstances. But when we do, we will find a Father willing and capable to protect.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Gratitude, the Fair, and My Nostrils
I woke up this morning grateful to be able to breathe through my nose. It's something I take for granted too often, these nostrils of mine. But they really are a gift! Like, they just work, open for my breathing pleasure, and I don't have to think twice about it. Miraculous!
The past few days, my nostrils were not working so well. They were totally and completely clogged, congesting my breathing and causing my eyes to spring forth tears like a plentiful fountain. Many times did I protest in that time, "I JUST WANT TO BREATHE!"
I woke up this morning, breathing, beautifully breathing through my nose. It was fabulous, and I actually thanked God for nostrils. I'm not usually cognizant of my gratefulness for nostrils, in fact, I almost always take them for granted.
Being taken for granted is something most parents understand all too well. All of the little things we do on a daily basis go completely unnoticed. Shoot, many of the BIG things we do go unnoticed and thereby unappreciated.
This past week we took our boys to the fair for the first time. We figured Finn would love the rides and Jonas would love the food. Sure enough, the first couple of rides, Finn's face was a bright beam of sunshine and he excitedly and sweetly waited for the next ride.
But then something peculiar happened. Instead of lavishing us in thanks and adoration for the fun time he was having, he began to get a little greedy. He began taking the whole experience for granted. Suddenly his sweet, eager waiting became sour, impatient whining. He became picky about which rides to go on, begging us for whatever looked like the next big thrill.
We had to say "no" to a lot in that stretch of time. Every "no" was for his good.
"No" to the sleazy pirate fun house.
"No" to the funky looking roller coaster.
"No" to the spinning craziness his daddy can't bear to ride with him.
Eventually, due to tiredness or overstimulation or what have you, our boy was a crying, screaming, demanding spectacle. Long gone was the bright-eyed boy who was eager just to get to ride any ride. The joy was gone, the thrill was gone, the gratitude was gone.
It was evident to me in that moment exactly why gratitude is so important to God.
When Jesus healed the 10 lepers and only one returned to thank him (Luke 17), he most certainly noticed, asking, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?" The one who returned received a special blessing.
Without gratitude, we become spoiled brats: looking for the next thrill to get our adrenaline pumping, demanding the next big thing as though we deserve it, and forgetting that there is a gracious Hand behind it all.
Like the Israelites after their dramatic rescue from the Egyptians, we begin to whine and complain and focus on all that we do not have.
We take our eyes off of the God who parted the Red Sea for us and center our attention on ourselves.
When we forget to be grateful for the abundance of things He's already given us (breathing through one's nose, for example), we become instantly greedy for the next big blessing. "More, more, more!" becomes the cry of our heart, rather than the quiet beauty and strength of a soul surrendered to Him.
Choosing to be grateful puts us in proper relationship to God, humble before Him, acknowledging that every good thing is directly from His hand and out of His love for us.
It is remembering all that He has already done, the many ways He is presently showing His love for us, and all that He has promised to do.
Gratitude helps us to not take the little motorcycle ride for granted, and reminds us that if we are told we can't ride the Tilt a Whirl, it's most certainly for our own protection.
The fact that Finn acted demanding and selfish did not change my love for him in any measure. However, his behavior did require some discipline and reminded me that maybe he will need a bit more preparation before we try something that grandiose again.
There are reasons we do not have everything our hearts desire. There are reasons we go through times of waiting. There are reasons we feel lousy for being demanding and selfish.
"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son'. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined - and everyone undergoes discipline - then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:5-11
When we remember to be grateful for all that has been, all that is, and all that will be, our joy in this life is tangible. We honor God, but it's really just another strategy He uses to bless us and make us more like Himself.
That's His goodness, and that's what we choose to remember.
We had to say "no" to a lot in that stretch of time. Every "no" was for his good.
"No" to the sleazy pirate fun house.
"No" to the funky looking roller coaster.
"No" to the spinning craziness his daddy can't bear to ride with him.
Eventually, due to tiredness or overstimulation or what have you, our boy was a crying, screaming, demanding spectacle. Long gone was the bright-eyed boy who was eager just to get to ride any ride. The joy was gone, the thrill was gone, the gratitude was gone.
It was evident to me in that moment exactly why gratitude is so important to God.
When Jesus healed the 10 lepers and only one returned to thank him (Luke 17), he most certainly noticed, asking, "Were not ten cleansed? Where are the other nine?" The one who returned received a special blessing.
Without gratitude, we become spoiled brats: looking for the next thrill to get our adrenaline pumping, demanding the next big thing as though we deserve it, and forgetting that there is a gracious Hand behind it all.
Like the Israelites after their dramatic rescue from the Egyptians, we begin to whine and complain and focus on all that we do not have.
We take our eyes off of the God who parted the Red Sea for us and center our attention on ourselves.
When we forget to be grateful for the abundance of things He's already given us (breathing through one's nose, for example), we become instantly greedy for the next big blessing. "More, more, more!" becomes the cry of our heart, rather than the quiet beauty and strength of a soul surrendered to Him.
Choosing to be grateful puts us in proper relationship to God, humble before Him, acknowledging that every good thing is directly from His hand and out of His love for us.
It is remembering all that He has already done, the many ways He is presently showing His love for us, and all that He has promised to do.
Gratitude helps us to not take the little motorcycle ride for granted, and reminds us that if we are told we can't ride the Tilt a Whirl, it's most certainly for our own protection.
The fact that Finn acted demanding and selfish did not change my love for him in any measure. However, his behavior did require some discipline and reminded me that maybe he will need a bit more preparation before we try something that grandiose again.
There are reasons we do not have everything our hearts desire. There are reasons we go through times of waiting. There are reasons we feel lousy for being demanding and selfish.
"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, 'My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son'. Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined - and everyone undergoes discipline - then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - Hebrews 12:5-11
When we remember to be grateful for all that has been, all that is, and all that will be, our joy in this life is tangible. We honor God, but it's really just another strategy He uses to bless us and make us more like Himself.
That's His goodness, and that's what we choose to remember.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Job and Moses and a baby named Ezra
I've been re-reading the story of Job the last couple of weeks. I remember when I first read that book of the Bible - back in high school - I totally misunderstood it.
In my high school Bible, emblazoned with my name on the bottom right corner of course, I underlined quote after quote spoken by Job's "friends". They were touting the faithfulness and splendor of God, after all.
I didn't underline much of what Job said at that time. To me, what he said bordered on blasphemous, openly questioning God and opining his own faithfulness to God. It wasn't until Bible college when I better grasped the book of Job as a whole.
Job didn't handle things perfectly for sure, and God takes care of that in the last couple of chapters. But God is more upset with Job's friends for their passionless rhetoric about His ways. They are spouting off quotes they have learned about God, but not even once seeking to understand the whole situation. They are giving Job advice that he never sought or desired, and their compassion for the depth of their friend's woes is heartbreakingly absent.
In Job 6:25-27 he states, "Honest words never hurt anyone, but what's the point of all this pious bluster? You pretend to tell me what's wrong with my life, but treat my words of anguish as so much hot air. Are people mere things to you? Are friends just items of profit and loss?"
These are the kinds of friends that it is tough to have in a crisis. They pronounce rote declarations over you, never taking the time to listen to your heart.
Then there are the types of friends that Moses had in Exodus 17:8-13. There is a battle waging between the Israelites and the Amalekites. Moses goes to the top of a nearby hill with his infamous staff. As Joshua leads the soldiers in battle, Moses wages his own type of battle from his spot on the hill. As he holds his arms up over the armies, the Israelites gain victory. But as soon as he puts his arms down, they immediately begin losing. What's a guy with two sore arms to do?!
Verse 12-13 tells us, "When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one of one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady until sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."
These are the types of friends that are wonderful to have in a crisis. When your arms get tired of fighting but the battle is not yet over, they surround you, they support you, they lift you up when you are too weak to do it yourself.
A crisis is a perfect opportunity to decipher whether you have Job friends or Moses friends.
You guys, if you're reading this, you have been Moses friends to us. If you commented to us or messaged us, if you texted words of encouragement, if you listened to our tears, if you lifted your hearts in prayer for us, if you gave us some of your time so that we had a fun distraction, you are indeed a Moses friend.
I can't tell you enough how amazingly supported and lifted up we felt during this past week. We felt buoyed by the prayers of others. Anxiety over the possibilities was not allowed entrance into our minds because of the prayer battle waged for us. We felt surrounded, understood, and most of all....loved.
Thank you. From the most sincere and authentic place in my heart, thank you.
Now for the good news :) .
We had our appointment this morning with the genetic counselor and an ultrasound to get a closer look at Ezra. Our genetic counselor was wonderful. She was full of positivity and calm confidence.
We went into our ultrasound and for about 45 minutes, the tech measured, checked, and double-checked any areas of concern. We were still in the dark during this time obviously, as techs are not allowed to discuss the details.
Then Dr. McNamara entered. From the moment he entered, I felt a kindness and compassion radiate from him. The simple way he looked at us, I could tell that he cared for us although he barely knew us. Matt stated afterward that God had again fulfilled the "good, good father" vision in Dr. McNamara. That's how secure he helped us to feel.
He showed us on ultrasound again the specific things they were looking for indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, specifically the hands, the heart, and the umbilical cord. Everything looked great! So great, in fact, that he advised against the further genetic testing that had been offered. In his words, "It's not needed. Your baby looks great."
In short, the cyst is still there, in the part of the brain that exchanges fluid with the spinal cord. It's something that simply happens sometimes, and when they are isolated (like ours) with no other indicators of abnormality (like ours), they tend to go away on their own by 28 weeks gestation. We will have one more ultrasound at that point to make sure things look good and that baby is on schedule.
Your words of kindness, support, love, and understanding have been used by God to bring us through the last week. I wish I could tell each of you individually how your prayers got us through. Please know how valued and valuable they each were. The waiting was by far the toughest part, and it was in the not knowing that God used you all to lift up our arms as we got tired.
Speaking of which, my brain and body are tired so I will sign off with this: a precious baby smirk to remind us that all is well!
In my high school Bible, emblazoned with my name on the bottom right corner of course, I underlined quote after quote spoken by Job's "friends". They were touting the faithfulness and splendor of God, after all.
I didn't underline much of what Job said at that time. To me, what he said bordered on blasphemous, openly questioning God and opining his own faithfulness to God. It wasn't until Bible college when I better grasped the book of Job as a whole.
Job didn't handle things perfectly for sure, and God takes care of that in the last couple of chapters. But God is more upset with Job's friends for their passionless rhetoric about His ways. They are spouting off quotes they have learned about God, but not even once seeking to understand the whole situation. They are giving Job advice that he never sought or desired, and their compassion for the depth of their friend's woes is heartbreakingly absent.
In Job 6:25-27 he states, "Honest words never hurt anyone, but what's the point of all this pious bluster? You pretend to tell me what's wrong with my life, but treat my words of anguish as so much hot air. Are people mere things to you? Are friends just items of profit and loss?"
These are the kinds of friends that it is tough to have in a crisis. They pronounce rote declarations over you, never taking the time to listen to your heart.
Then there are the types of friends that Moses had in Exodus 17:8-13. There is a battle waging between the Israelites and the Amalekites. Moses goes to the top of a nearby hill with his infamous staff. As Joshua leads the soldiers in battle, Moses wages his own type of battle from his spot on the hill. As he holds his arms up over the armies, the Israelites gain victory. But as soon as he puts his arms down, they immediately begin losing. What's a guy with two sore arms to do?!
Verse 12-13 tells us, "When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up - one of one side, one on the other - so that his hands remained steady until sunset. So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword."
These are the types of friends that are wonderful to have in a crisis. When your arms get tired of fighting but the battle is not yet over, they surround you, they support you, they lift you up when you are too weak to do it yourself.
A crisis is a perfect opportunity to decipher whether you have Job friends or Moses friends.
You guys, if you're reading this, you have been Moses friends to us. If you commented to us or messaged us, if you texted words of encouragement, if you listened to our tears, if you lifted your hearts in prayer for us, if you gave us some of your time so that we had a fun distraction, you are indeed a Moses friend.
I can't tell you enough how amazingly supported and lifted up we felt during this past week. We felt buoyed by the prayers of others. Anxiety over the possibilities was not allowed entrance into our minds because of the prayer battle waged for us. We felt surrounded, understood, and most of all....loved.
Thank you. From the most sincere and authentic place in my heart, thank you.
Now for the good news :) .
We had our appointment this morning with the genetic counselor and an ultrasound to get a closer look at Ezra. Our genetic counselor was wonderful. She was full of positivity and calm confidence.
We went into our ultrasound and for about 45 minutes, the tech measured, checked, and double-checked any areas of concern. We were still in the dark during this time obviously, as techs are not allowed to discuss the details.
Then Dr. McNamara entered. From the moment he entered, I felt a kindness and compassion radiate from him. The simple way he looked at us, I could tell that he cared for us although he barely knew us. Matt stated afterward that God had again fulfilled the "good, good father" vision in Dr. McNamara. That's how secure he helped us to feel.
He showed us on ultrasound again the specific things they were looking for indicators of chromosomal abnormalities, specifically the hands, the heart, and the umbilical cord. Everything looked great! So great, in fact, that he advised against the further genetic testing that had been offered. In his words, "It's not needed. Your baby looks great."
In short, the cyst is still there, in the part of the brain that exchanges fluid with the spinal cord. It's something that simply happens sometimes, and when they are isolated (like ours) with no other indicators of abnormality (like ours), they tend to go away on their own by 28 weeks gestation. We will have one more ultrasound at that point to make sure things look good and that baby is on schedule.
Your words of kindness, support, love, and understanding have been used by God to bring us through the last week. I wish I could tell each of you individually how your prayers got us through. Please know how valued and valuable they each were. The waiting was by far the toughest part, and it was in the not knowing that God used you all to lift up our arms as we got tired.
Speaking of which, my brain and body are tired so I will sign off with this: a precious baby smirk to remind us that all is well!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Christianese
I was born into a Christian family who literally lived at the church for the first few formative years of my life. If there was a service, we were there. If a member of our family was sick, we went anyway. We were often one of the first to arrive and most often the last to leave.
I have known God my whole life.
And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.
I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.
My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.
My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.
All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.
I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".
Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.
There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.
We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.
I know I am guilty of it.
For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.
In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.
And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.
But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.
Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.
Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.
For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.
The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.
Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."
I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.
It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.
He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.
Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."
I have known God my whole life.
And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.
I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.
My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.
I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.
My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.
All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.
I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".
Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.
There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.
We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.
I know I am guilty of it.
For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.
In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.
And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.
But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.
Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.
Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.
For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.
The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.
Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."
I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.
It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.
He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.
Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Kindred Spirits
I've been delving back into my Anne of Green Gables books again recently. Sometimes I feel like a child again when I read them and I think maybe that is what draws me in time and time again.
I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).
I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.
One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".
In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.
Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"
Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.
I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.
Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."
I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.
I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.
I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.
To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.
So..........you know...............thanks.
I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).
I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.
One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".
In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.
Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"
Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.
I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.
Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."
I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.
I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.
I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.
To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.
So..........you know...............thanks.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Steppin' Out with My Baby
There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
Friday, December 30, 2011
Epiphany
I had an epiphany tonight as I walked into my tiny kitchen to stir my dinner of bean and bacon soup. I stepped over my husband's legs and my son's toys as Pinners whimpered after me.
And I thought, simply, 'Life is good'. I picked up the spoon, stirred, and smiled into the wall as I had a sense of overflowing joy for the blessings in my life. Such an average night; such a random moment; such a wondrous realization.
This realization hit me at a place where I have been worried about the future and its unknown murkiness.
Suddenly, like an actual lightbulb sparking above my head, it hit me that God is the One gracious enough to bring me to this place of contentment, joy, life.
Will He not continue to care for us and lavish us with love and good things?
It may not be the way that I suspect or would choose for it to go, but it will be good.
If only because He goes with me.
And I thought, simply, 'Life is good'. I picked up the spoon, stirred, and smiled into the wall as I had a sense of overflowing joy for the blessings in my life. Such an average night; such a random moment; such a wondrous realization.
This realization hit me at a place where I have been worried about the future and its unknown murkiness.
Suddenly, like an actual lightbulb sparking above my head, it hit me that God is the One gracious enough to bring me to this place of contentment, joy, life.
Will He not continue to care for us and lavish us with love and good things?
It may not be the way that I suspect or would choose for it to go, but it will be good.
If only because He goes with me.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thanks God
This is the time of year when it is easy to remember to give thanks. Thanksgiving is even - dare I say it - shoved in our faces a bit. It has even exploded into a trendy habit on Facebook - people listing every day what they are grateful for leading up to Thanksgiving.
And it is encouraging to see this trend - being grateful. It certainly beats women reporting the color of their bra in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.
I read a really wonderful book about 5 months ago called "A Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. This book is entirely about giving thanks. For me, it served as an amazing educator on the great blessing of living a life of constant gratitude. Basically, the author was dared by a friend that she wouldn't be able to come up with one thousand things for which she was grateful. Long story short, she came up with one thousand and kept right on going, realizing that the more she gave thanks, the less anxious she felt about the trials in her life and the weaker hold anger and impatience had on her.
Intrigued, I began my own list of of gifts for which I was thankful. I found this to be a way to stay in a constant proper position of awe before God. By paying attention and giving thanks for my crazy amount of blessings, it was nearly impossible to let anxiety or discontent have any room to move in my life. I noticed myself, when I had a bad day, begin to immediately fix my thoughts on the blessings in my life instead of the circumstances of my negative mood. Each and every time, like a precious elixir, the gratitude worked to lift my spirits and renew my peace.
Sometimes, it is true, that giving thanks is not easy. Sometimes, it is far more natural to dwell on all that seems to be going wrong. But giving thanks doesn't have to consist of large and obvious blessings. It can be thanking God for this breath, for a moment when things seem to make sense, for another chance to hold my sweet boy with his head asleep on my shoulder.
Looking back on my own list of gratitude, it is almost like reading a journal of the last few months of my life:
#8 - Summer mornings that are cool enough to walk in
#19 - One last night with my dad before he passed away
#32 - New school supplies
#56 - Standing in church, surrounded by family and we are all singing
#85 - Seeing the sun and moon out at the same time
#100 - Butterflies in my belly
#111 - Flirting with my husband
#121 - A cathartic cry
#145 - Walking through a canopy of trees
#162 - Big sit down style family breakfasts
#180 - Seeing Finn make someone smile
#197 - Missing my husband when he is gone
#236 - A scar that brings back a memory
#268 - The fog settling over the prairie at dusk
#307 - Sitting with the windows open to let cool air fill the house
#383 - When Matt and I are both craving the same meal
#418 - Delivered packages
#447 - Sunny days after a week of clouds
#490 - When Matt apologizes for hurting my feelings instead of rationalizing
#510 - Not getting pulled over when cop is clocking and I am speeding
#543 - Walks around McKennan Park with an old friend
#623 - Finn's face when the wind blows strongly on him
#658 - Laughing with my husband at the end of a long day
#692 - Malt-O-Meal for breakfast
#718 - The way Finn clings to me when I get home from class
#748 - Matt's serious face when he gets up to check out a noise outside
#787 - Bundling up on chilly days
#833 - Matt telling a trick or treater that he is greedy
#860 - First eggnog latte of the season
#885 - Cooking while Finn plays happily with pots and pans in the kitchen
#919 - Freedom of paying off bills
#948 - The way Finn looks in his puffy winter coat
#962 - Big orange harvest moons that sit low in the sky
#975 - Matt offering to fold clothes so that I could take a bath
#991 - Peace coming in that passes all logical reasoning
These moments truly come in abundance when I stop and pay attention. It has been easy to reach 1,000 things I am thankful for. So easy, in fact, that I plan to keep on going and desire to make giving thanks to God the force that drives my life.
Truly I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Life is sweet.
Thanks God.
And it is encouraging to see this trend - being grateful. It certainly beats women reporting the color of their bra in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.
I read a really wonderful book about 5 months ago called "A Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. This book is entirely about giving thanks. For me, it served as an amazing educator on the great blessing of living a life of constant gratitude. Basically, the author was dared by a friend that she wouldn't be able to come up with one thousand things for which she was grateful. Long story short, she came up with one thousand and kept right on going, realizing that the more she gave thanks, the less anxious she felt about the trials in her life and the weaker hold anger and impatience had on her.
Intrigued, I began my own list of of gifts for which I was thankful. I found this to be a way to stay in a constant proper position of awe before God. By paying attention and giving thanks for my crazy amount of blessings, it was nearly impossible to let anxiety or discontent have any room to move in my life. I noticed myself, when I had a bad day, begin to immediately fix my thoughts on the blessings in my life instead of the circumstances of my negative mood. Each and every time, like a precious elixir, the gratitude worked to lift my spirits and renew my peace.
Sometimes, it is true, that giving thanks is not easy. Sometimes, it is far more natural to dwell on all that seems to be going wrong. But giving thanks doesn't have to consist of large and obvious blessings. It can be thanking God for this breath, for a moment when things seem to make sense, for another chance to hold my sweet boy with his head asleep on my shoulder.
Looking back on my own list of gratitude, it is almost like reading a journal of the last few months of my life:
#8 - Summer mornings that are cool enough to walk in
#19 - One last night with my dad before he passed away
#32 - New school supplies
#56 - Standing in church, surrounded by family and we are all singing
#85 - Seeing the sun and moon out at the same time
#100 - Butterflies in my belly
#111 - Flirting with my husband
#121 - A cathartic cry
#145 - Walking through a canopy of trees
#162 - Big sit down style family breakfasts
#180 - Seeing Finn make someone smile
#197 - Missing my husband when he is gone
#236 - A scar that brings back a memory
#268 - The fog settling over the prairie at dusk
#307 - Sitting with the windows open to let cool air fill the house
#383 - When Matt and I are both craving the same meal
#418 - Delivered packages
#447 - Sunny days after a week of clouds
#490 - When Matt apologizes for hurting my feelings instead of rationalizing
#510 - Not getting pulled over when cop is clocking and I am speeding
#543 - Walks around McKennan Park with an old friend
#623 - Finn's face when the wind blows strongly on him
#658 - Laughing with my husband at the end of a long day
#692 - Malt-O-Meal for breakfast
#718 - The way Finn clings to me when I get home from class
#748 - Matt's serious face when he gets up to check out a noise outside
#787 - Bundling up on chilly days
#833 - Matt telling a trick or treater that he is greedy
#860 - First eggnog latte of the season
#885 - Cooking while Finn plays happily with pots and pans in the kitchen
#919 - Freedom of paying off bills
#948 - The way Finn looks in his puffy winter coat
#962 - Big orange harvest moons that sit low in the sky
#975 - Matt offering to fold clothes so that I could take a bath
#991 - Peace coming in that passes all logical reasoning
These moments truly come in abundance when I stop and pay attention. It has been easy to reach 1,000 things I am thankful for. So easy, in fact, that I plan to keep on going and desire to make giving thanks to God the force that drives my life.
Thanks God for this guy:
And this baboose:
And these guys:
And friends that know me inside and out and love me still:
Truly I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Life is sweet.
Thanks God.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Busy McGee
Ufda! I have not had much time to post lately due to a hectic schedule! It seems as though our little Fjerky fam has been running around endlessly for the last month or so, but we have so much to be thankful for! The things that have been filling our lives are blessings - each and every one of them. Therefore, as we ride this busy season through, we just take a deep breath and do the next thing - whatever that may be!
I believe that I am truly cultivating the art of multi-tasking as our schedule fills in each week. For example, last week I had a midterm and was having a hard time sitting down and studying for it. It seemed as though when I would get a moment during Finn's naps where I wasn't working or catching up on something, I could not find the motivation to study as I waited for him to wake up. So instead I made flash cards and would quiz myself on them while I did other things. Waiting for my computer to restart? Study! Nursing Finn? Study! Driving across town? Study! (carefully, of course).
With Matt working a full time job and being the interim worship leader at our church, it definitely feels as though we see him less, which has been an adjustment. It is a very worthy adjustment to make however, in order to see him ministering in what he is passionate about. His joy and energy when he sings and leads people in worship is inspiring to me. Yesterday in church, I caught myself just smiling like a fool because I was just so happy for him (his joy was evident) and also so very proud of him. I am very fortunate to be his wife!
With all the crazinesses, I have found myself juggling to find a balance between it all. There is this truly cheesy Amy Grant song called "Hats" which talks about all the different (drumroll, please........) hats that she wears. I would post it here but I really don't want to because it is really that bad ("hats!").
I am balancing between trying to be: supportive, loving wife; teaching, loving mother; part-time employee and trainer; studious, invested graduate student; not to mention friend, daughter, sister, small group member, human video director, and loyal church attendee!
Like I said, blessed.
The moments that I feel overwhelmed are wonderful opportunities to take a deep breath and give thanks.
And then?
Just do the next thing.
Okay.....I couldn't resist! Partake in this ear candy!
I believe that I am truly cultivating the art of multi-tasking as our schedule fills in each week. For example, last week I had a midterm and was having a hard time sitting down and studying for it. It seemed as though when I would get a moment during Finn's naps where I wasn't working or catching up on something, I could not find the motivation to study as I waited for him to wake up. So instead I made flash cards and would quiz myself on them while I did other things. Waiting for my computer to restart? Study! Nursing Finn? Study! Driving across town? Study! (carefully, of course).
With Matt working a full time job and being the interim worship leader at our church, it definitely feels as though we see him less, which has been an adjustment. It is a very worthy adjustment to make however, in order to see him ministering in what he is passionate about. His joy and energy when he sings and leads people in worship is inspiring to me. Yesterday in church, I caught myself just smiling like a fool because I was just so happy for him (his joy was evident) and also so very proud of him. I am very fortunate to be his wife!
With all the crazinesses, I have found myself juggling to find a balance between it all. There is this truly cheesy Amy Grant song called "Hats" which talks about all the different (drumroll, please........) hats that she wears. I would post it here but I really don't want to because it is really that bad ("hats!").
I am balancing between trying to be: supportive, loving wife; teaching, loving mother; part-time employee and trainer; studious, invested graduate student; not to mention friend, daughter, sister, small group member, human video director, and loyal church attendee!
Like I said, blessed.
The moments that I feel overwhelmed are wonderful opportunities to take a deep breath and give thanks.
And then?
Just do the next thing.
Okay.....I couldn't resist! Partake in this ear candy!
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
At All Times
Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn, my mind jumps around, I envy those all over the world who are sleeping peacefully. There is usually no consistent reason for this trouble: sometimes I have things on my mind, sometimes I stress myself out, sometimes I just lay restfully and wait for the sleep to come.
Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....
And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"
But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4
YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!
After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.
This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.
So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."
That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.
Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.
May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.
Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....
And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"
But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4
YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!
After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.
This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.
So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)
One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."
That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.
Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.
May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"The Giving Tree" Church
It is probably no secret to any regular readers of my blog that I am a Christian and I grew up in church. God and church have always been a huge part of my life.
A couple of days ago I attended a retirement party for a couple that is extremely dear to me - Pastor Ron and Margo Traub. They have been my pastors for.....well....for forever.
My family began attending 1st Assembly of God church when I was 3 years old and it was often at the forefront of family activity. In other words, it was our second home for many, many years! We were at church for every service, as my mom didn't think there was any good excuse to miss - even for homework :). So every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night..............the Swanson family shuffled in like a small herd.
As I was sitting at the retirement party yesterday and seeing faces from throughout the years and watching the slideshow that chronicled the Traubs 29 years of service........I couldn't help but reflect on the barrage of memories that were being drawn up. That church and its people are tied to a plethora of my memories.
Looking back on these many memories has reminded me just how God has used the church to
nurture me,
mature me,
comfort me,
discipline me,
teach me,
love me.
I keep thinking of "The Giving Tree", and the tree that kept sacrificing pieces of itself in order to care for the boy it loved. In many ways, that is what the church has been for me. It is chock full of people who have sacrificed their time and given their talents so that I and many other children could grow in the knowledge of God.
I get downright giddy when I think of how incredibly grateful I am to be able to provide Finn with that same support system.
And now it is my turn. It is my turn to give and sacrifice so that others will know how MUCH God loves them.
Shoo-ee His love is extravagant! I get emotional even thinking about it. That is what people need to know.
I wish I knew how best to thank people like the Traubs who poured into my life.
I can't say for certain what they would prefer, but I venture to say that the best 'thank you' they could ever receive is seeing a life they poured into living for God's glory.
So to my parents and the Traubs and my children's pastors, youth pastors, Sunday School teachers, and many many others...............
THANK YOU.
A couple of days ago I attended a retirement party for a couple that is extremely dear to me - Pastor Ron and Margo Traub. They have been my pastors for.....well....for forever.
My family began attending 1st Assembly of God church when I was 3 years old and it was often at the forefront of family activity. In other words, it was our second home for many, many years! We were at church for every service, as my mom didn't think there was any good excuse to miss - even for homework :). So every Sunday morning, every Sunday night, every Wednesday night..............the Swanson family shuffled in like a small herd.
As I was sitting at the retirement party yesterday and seeing faces from throughout the years and watching the slideshow that chronicled the Traubs 29 years of service........I couldn't help but reflect on the barrage of memories that were being drawn up. That church and its people are tied to a plethora of my memories.
- It's where I would sit and play in the orange chairs when we used to have church in the gym....before the sanctuary was built. I often went and sat by Dorothy Elliot because she would bring fun toys!
- It's where I first began singing at the age of 3; "Jesus Loves Me", anyone?
- It's where us kids would play Hide and Go Seek as we waited for our parents to pick us up from Kid's Church
- It's where I was a flower girl in my cousin's wedding and got to wear a pretty dress with flowers in my hair and walk down the aisle with the ring "bear"
- It's where I became an expert explorer when the new sanctuary was being built and we would wander through the construction site
- It's where I watched my older siblings perform in the youth group plays and wished I could be that cool
- It's where I played in the sanctuary while waiting for my parents during countless music practices, throwing my Barbies off of the balcony
- It's where we spent Sunday nights, then headed out after church with a regular crew to meet at Rolling Pin
- It's where I met my best friend.....standing outside the nursery when we were 7 years old and my dad was selling hers a house. She pulled my hair and told me I was her best friend. 22 years later - we are still best friends!
- It's where I said a final goodbye to my big brother Matt - his funeral was held there in October 1995
- It's where I performed in a play when I was 14 years old, which led to me later sitting in my car with my mom in the driveway and praying to rededicate my life to God
- It's where we would leave for camps bright and early Monday morning being all cute and clean....and return Friday afternoon disheveled, inspired, and wearing whatever was packed at the bottom of the suitcase
- It's where we used to turn off all the lights and play Sardines throughout the entire church building
- It's where I participated in Singing Christmas Tree after Singing Christmas Tree......I was at various times a little girl waking up Christmas morning, a ballerina, a choir member, Mary, and a teenager up in an attic.......
- It's where we spent countless hours playing pool in the youth room
- It's where I would shake with nerves every time I got up to sing a solo
- It's where we honed our skills for Fine Arts Festivals
- It's where we worked to pull off the Valentine Dinner Theaters
- It's where we had Graduation Sunday and I received the Bible that would become awfully marked up during my college years
- It's where I got married to the love of my life
- It's where we returned after several years away and were welcomed back with open arms
- It's where I got to sing with my husband while he led worship
- It's where we dedicated our son to God
Looking back on these many memories has reminded me just how God has used the church to
nurture me,
mature me,
comfort me,
discipline me,
teach me,
love me.
I keep thinking of "The Giving Tree", and the tree that kept sacrificing pieces of itself in order to care for the boy it loved. In many ways, that is what the church has been for me. It is chock full of people who have sacrificed their time and given their talents so that I and many other children could grow in the knowledge of God.
I get downright giddy when I think of how incredibly grateful I am to be able to provide Finn with that same support system.
And now it is my turn. It is my turn to give and sacrifice so that others will know how MUCH God loves them.
Shoo-ee His love is extravagant! I get emotional even thinking about it. That is what people need to know.
I wish I knew how best to thank people like the Traubs who poured into my life.
I can't say for certain what they would prefer, but I venture to say that the best 'thank you' they could ever receive is seeing a life they poured into living for God's glory.
So to my parents and the Traubs and my children's pastors, youth pastors, Sunday School teachers, and many many others...............
THANK YOU.
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