Martha, Martha

Growing up, whenever I was about to get in trouble, my mom would always begin with, "Say, I've got a question..."  Upon hearing those words, I would brace myself that she had discovered some dastardly deed of mine and a grounding was imminent.

"Say I've got a question...do you know what happened to the basement window?"
"Say I've got a question...where did all the Nutter Butters go?"
"Say I've got a question...why are there still dirty dishes in the sink?"

I would brace myself for the words that would follow. To this day, she'll say those words and I will tense up for whatever she's about to speak.

Being a person prone to anxious feelings, I have spent a good portion of my life bracing myself for bad news and expecting worst case scenarios to play out. I want to be ready for anything, but in preparing myself for the worst, there is much that I miss out on.

When I live constantly bracing myself for potential problems, I am in a near constant state of tension which also means a lack of rest, a lack of peace, a lack of stillness.  I am missing out on the full benefits that are promised to me as a child of God. I am missing out on the joy and freedom and peace that are mine, because I am His.

Whenever anxiety is swirling around in my mind and my thoughts are jumping all over the place to things that are not going well or situations where trouble may arise, this Bible story pops into my head:

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'

'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed-or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'" (Luke 10:38-42, NIV).

Sometimes all I need to hear internally in my flurry of activity is "Martha, Martha," and instantly I picture the difference between Martha and Mary. Martha, trying to do good, important work but with a wrong focus. Mary, a picture of stillness and peace at the feet of Jesus. The contrast is stark. Both are women that Jesus loves very much, but only one has her eyes set on him above all else. Only one is experiencing the rest of His presence.

"The Lord's people must trust Him to sustain and provide for their needs...resting is trusting in action." - Lauren Chandler

I read this quote a couple of weeks ago and it was a direct hit to my heart. If I trust God, and I do, then whatever He brings into my life and allows for me is what is best.

Period.

Unknowns will remain...always. There will always be chaos, or potential chaos, at every corner of life. There will rarely NOT be a reason to be worried. 

The only way to live in a state of rest is to continue to throw my trust on Him, however many times a day it takes. 

In my experience, the areas of my life where I am feeling anxious are the areas of my life that I am not fully surrendering to God. They are areas that, for whatever reason, are hard to give up.

"What you fear the most reveals where you trust God the least" - Craig Groeschel

At various times, those areas have included finances, my love life, my children's health, my relationships with friends or family members; the list goes on and on.

I can live in stillness and rest only where I am ready to embrace...whatever.

So here is what I am working on:

Instead of bracing myself for the worst, I am embracing whatever God brings.

The rest that flows from that place of surrender is complete and immediate. It's trusting God not only in my heart and mind, but with my actions. It's prying my fingers off any areas of concern, and resting in the TRUTH that He is in control and He loves me.

He is in control. And He loves me.

Both beliefs are essential in order for my mind to be at rest.

"God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows." - Timothy Keller

Stop bracing for the worst. Start embracing God's best.

Because with God, it's always His best. Truly.

The more I know Him, the more I experience His goodness and mercy to me, and the more I realize how absolutely worthy He is of being trusted. 

"I don't know where I'm going, more and more each day; it's becoming more alright with me. Because when I know where I'm going my eyes keep me from trusting Thee" - Jason Upton

So, I Hate to Vacuum...

My least favorite chore is vacuuming.

I actually kind of love cleaning my kitchen and wiping down surfaces and sweeping up crumbs. I like cleaning my bathroom, wiping spots off of the mirror and toothpaste out of the sink. I even kind of like doing laundry, the redundancy of wash, dry, put away, repeat.

I love seeing progress: the dirt wiped away, the counter clean and bright for one, brief moment.

But I hate vacuuming. It takes a whopping amount of energy or motivation for me to lug out our circa 1985 vacuum cleaner, pick up everything off the floor, plug and unplug the vacuum from room to room.

Ugh. It's the worst.

I think that the main reason that I loathe vacuuming so much is because our carpet is awful. It is wrinkly, it is stained, it is ugly. Until we can afford to remove or replace it, we are stuck with it.

Our carpet is so far gone that it is tough to even tell when it has been vacuumed. In essence, it looks dirty no matter how recently it's been cleaned.

Therefore, I don't see any progress or betterment, so it is difficult to enjoy my hard work. Shoot, forget enjoy, it's hard to even justify lugging our vacuum cleaner out of hiding and picking up every toy off of the floor.

Matt doesn't have to help with a single other household chore; if he will just vacuum for me, my heart explodes in star showers of love for him.

At least when I do other household chores, there's an automatic payoff of momentary cleanliness. When I vacuum, I am still looking at ugly. The carpet may BE clean, but if it doesn't LOOK clean, what's the point?

When it comes to growing deeper in my walk with God, I think it can be similar to my vacuuming conundrum.

Whatever progress is made can be indiscernible at times, which makes it tempting to give up or slack off. I often cannot tell that there is a difference in my growth, especially when it feels like I am fighting the same battles daily, weekly, annually. Whats the point? Why lug out the giant vacuum cleaner or the giant study Bible if it makes no difference? If I feel no different? If my struggle feels the same?

For starters, just because something doesn't look clean doesn't mean it isn't. Just because someone doesn't seem clean, doesn't mean she isn't. Psalm 139 makes it beautifully clear that God knows me more than I even know myself. It's a reminder to me that He sees the progress. I was saved and cleaned and made righteous through Jesus' death on the cross. So even when I don't feel it, I can know it is true. 2 Corinthians 5:21 helps me remember, "God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God"

Secondly, retrospect is a great revealer. I may not feel different day-to-day in my walk with God, but when I look back at where I was 2 years, or 5 years, or 10 years ago, I can see how the incremental shifts have added up to abundant change.

Lastly, I need to remember that I don't read my Bible and pray and seek Him because it helps me to feel a certain way. I do those things because I love Him immensely and I want to know Him more.

If the start of this new year is weighing you down more than anything else, and it feels like some struggles will never fall away and your mess remains, I want to encourage you.

Keep pressing in. Keep seeking Him. Keep your desire for Him alive. Stay faithful and you will become fruitful, as He turns those incremental shifts into abundant change. Do the hard work of lugging that metaphorical vacuum cleaner out of the closet and clean away the mess, even if it feels the same when you're done.

He is working. He sees the change. In Him, you are clean.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" - Galatians 6:9

Tough Questions

Finn is big on the idea of bad guys. He is at the developmental stage where he understands things as being good or bad. Black or white.

Because of his daddy, he knows by heart who Superman's bad guys are, who Batman's bad guys are, who Flash's bad guys are. He's fascinated by the whole thing! He even has a made-up game called "Bad Guys" that he loves to play - especially with his two grandmas. There is a part of him that even thinks the bad guys are cooler than the superheroes they fight.

The other day, he was playing with his superhero guys at our kitchen table. Then I hear him ask, "Mommy, who is Jesus' bad guy?". Caught a little bit by surprise, it took me a second to find the answer in my mind. After a pause, I replied, "Jesus' bad guy is Satan." This just led to more questions:
"Why is he bad?"
"What bad things does he do?"
"What does he look like?"

Uhhhhh...

These questions each stretched my brain more than I would have guessed. I almost called Matt and asked him to tag in for me. In my head I know the answers to these questions, or at least an idea of where to find them in the Bible. But putting the answers into comprehensible words was new for me. I've never had to answer questions like these because, for the majority of my life, I have been surrounded by other Christians. It has been years and years since I have been asked to explain my faith. One of my favorite things to do is to talk about Jesus, but it is always with other believers.

My life has been mostly surrounded by my family, my youth group, my high school friends (all my best friends were Christians), my Christian college friends, my Alaskan church friends, my Arkansan Chi Alpha friends, my current church friends. Christians.

The closest I have come to an experience of tongue-tie-mania like this one was with my good friend from Minneapolis, Eric. Eric and I worked together as servers at Old Spaghetti Factory. He was one of my favorite people to work with because he was almost always happy. We both loved to laugh and sing while we were preparing salads and getting drinks. We sang so much that we began to label each night we worked with a different theme: one night would be strictly Broadway songs, another would be songs from Disney movies, etc. He was my good friend. He is gay.

Eric knew I went to a Christian college. We often had deep conversations about God and theology. One night he looked at me and asked, "Gretchen, do you believe I am going to hell when I die?"

I felt like someone had simultaneously sucked all of the air from my lungs and the thoughts from my head. I gave him an honest answer and our friendship only grew stronger.

The Word teaches us that we need to be ready for when people ask us the tough questions.

1 Peter 3:15 - "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
Colossians 4:6 - "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone"

I know why I live a life of faith: I love God and I can see evidence in my life of His goodness and faithfulness. But can I explain it to others? I need to be able to articulate:
A) so I can appropriately teach my children about God and
B) so that I can answer others' questions about Him as well.

I know my own testimony and what God has brought me through. My experiences with God give me a good start but they are not everything I need to know.

My oldest son is just reaching the age where he is beginning to ask the tough questions. I have years and years of tough questions ahead of me, and it's not something I take lightly.

I pray that I not only provide the answers to point my boys towards Jesus, but that I also am able to live what I speak.

One thing is certain: I cannot do it all on my own.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5

- Wait for It -

Two years ago, Halloween was difficult for me. There was a huge party at our church and we had gotten the CUTEST costume for Finn - a monkey for our monkey.

However, I could not take him because I had class. I could not even consider skipping class because I had a presentation that evening. It was brutal to miss such a special night.

So, while I presented on things to remember when counseling Asian Americans, I longed to be with my monkey boy. My body was in a classroom in Vermillion, but my heart was with my boy at his first Halloween party. I rushed out of class and tried to make it to a bit of the party, but by the time I got there, my mom had already changed Finn out of his costume because it was making him so warm. I did not get to see him in his costume on Halloween. I didn't even get a picture!

It was possibly the most difficult night of that whole semester for me, but I knew that I had to push through and finish my classes. It was simply a sacrifice that had to be made. It was one year. I could miss some stuff for one year while finishing my degree. That's what I told myself, but I didn't always believe me. I wanted to be with my boy.

By the time the next Halloween rolled around, I was so stinking excited to go with my boys (I had two by then) that I watched the calendar days pass with eager anticipation, praying that no one would get sick.

We arrived at the church early that night so that the boys could see their dad for a bit before the party really got started. As Matt is employed at the church, he always has jobs to do throughout the event and couldn't help much with the boys.

Once Matt had to leave, I went up to his office so that I could nurse Jonas and get both boys dressed in their costumes. As I was working trying to get them both dressed and keep them content, a single thought crossed my mind.............

"This is haaard. Have I really been waiting a year for this? When does the fun start?"

Did I really wait a year to finagle the boys into their costumes, have Jonas spit up on his 30 minutes later, have my own half-hearted costume destroyed by the end of the night, carry Jonas around for 3+ hours without a break, watch Finn spend almost 2 hours on the same blow-up slide only to then walk around in his Superman t-shirt and bare feet when he got too hot, and get a headache from my obnoxious '80's hairdo?

Yes!!!!!

This past year was better, thanks to a massive assist from Matt's mom. But still, I was pooped by the end of the night. Chasing two toddlers around a big church filled with lots of exciting things is, in a word, exhausting. It's so, so fun, but it's also hard.

I realize the older that I get that the hard stuff is the good stuff. Anything worth anything is going to be worth some sort of battle.

Marriages, dream jobs, sweet and respectful children, good relationships........

all of these things take hard work and committment. Some days it may not all seem to be truly worth it.

But what we value is shown by what we fight for.

We are tenacious with those things that we are passionate about.

So was the Halloween wait worth it for me when it proved to be a lot of work? Two years in a row?

Absotutely-rutely.

The look on Finn's face as he tackled each new inflatable with non-relinquishing gusto.
Getting to see Jonas wear the monkey costume that I missed seeing on Finn.
Watching other adorable kids in their costumes and seeing that this outreach was a blessing to the community.

The hard stuff is the good stuff.
The good stuff is haaaaaaard.

But oh so very worth it.

I think that God often allows a waiting time into our lives before we get something that we truly desire. Since the good stuff CAN be hard at times, we are less likely to take it for granted or wish it away if we had to wait and pine for it before we received it.

Paul comes to my mind; Paul and his desire to visit Rome. Paul longed to visit Rome and encourage them. He writes to the Roman church in Romans 1:10-12 - "And God, whom I so love to worship and serve by spreading the good news of his Son-the Message!-knows that every time I think of you in my prayers, which is practically all the time, I ask him to clear the way for me to come and see you. The longer this waiting goes on, the deeper the ache. I so want to be there to deliver God's gift in person and watch you grow stronger right before my eyes!"

It is safe to say that Paul yearned to visit the Roman church, but he states in verse 13 that "something has always come up and prevented it".

It is so tempting to start shaking a mighty finger at God when we feel as though we have been waiting too long.

It was tempting to do that when I was missing Halloween night with my Finn two years ago. "This is a big event in his life, God! Why tonight? I HATE SCHOOOOOOOL!!!!" (I don't really, but I am known to be a little dramatic when my emotions get stirred).

And that is just one example of many. There are many bigger, tougher things for which to wait. It was tough being single and waiting to meet Matt. It was tough finishing my internship and waiting for that blissful graduation date. There have been tough times waiting for a good job, relational healing, God to speak. The list could go on and on and is unique for each person.

But in my experience with waiting, I have come to know a few things. God is amazingly faithful. I see when I look back in retrospect the beauty of His ways and why He works like He does. God doesn't move when I want Him to, He moves when He needs to. He does not withhold things from me that are necessary for His plans. His ways are good and trustworthy, even when they make zero sense to me.

I don't have to make sense of God. I need to trust Him.

"Then the Lord replied: 'Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.'" (Habakkuk 2:2-3)

I also have come to see the tenderness of God in restoring what has been lost. Even being able to see Jonas in the monkey costume was so sweet for me. It will never replace not seeing Finn in it or not celebrating that night with him, but there was a redemptive quality to passing the costume on and watching that monkey butt waddle around the entire church.

I even see it within our greater family. My brother Matt was killed in a car accident when he was 22 years old. Our family now has two more Matts in it, plus two sweet first-borns with Matthew as a middle name. The fact that our family is so laughably exploding with boys (my mom just became a grandmother to her 8th grandson) screams to me about God's love and mercy. This bounty of boys will never replace the one that was lost, but there is a restorative healing that comes when we embrace the many that we have now. 

The waiting is not wasted. Nothing is ever wasted in God's hand.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

With that said, how do we know that we are waiting well?

Whatever you do have at this moment, be faithful with it. Take whatever you've been given and invest it (Matthew 25:14-30). Don't bury it and twiddle your thumbs, waiting for what you "really" want.

I think of Matt, who worked as a special education teacher for years before he stepped into a job he fully desired as a worship leader. I had a front row seat to see how God used those years of waiting to deepen Matt's relationship with Himself, to increase his skills, and broaden his support system. Those things have been essential to Matt's success as a worship leader because, newsflash: life in the ministry is not easy.

Matt did not idly sit around and long for a different job, but he made himself useful how he could and God ushered him into a great position at a time when God could receive the glory.

If you're single and waiting, stop giving energy to looking for the right one and use this waiting time to become the right one. Practice doing relationship well by valuing your friends and family and helping them feel loved. 

If you're waiting for that perfect job, be excellent at the one you already have.
If you are in a season of "stuckness" and don't know what's on the horizon or what you even want and you certainly don't know how to get there, invest the time by studying His Word and His ways. Then, whenever you do get to the next step, you'll be taking it in closer relationship with Him. There's no bad there.

"It's in the season of waiting where character is forged and refined. It's where we learn new skills, discover what we're passionate (and not passionate) about. Don't waste your wait." (Joel Delgado, Relevant Magazine). 

Christianese

I was born into a Christian family who literally lived at the church for the first few formative years of my life. If there was a service, we were there. If a member of our family was sick, we went anyway. We were often one of the first to arrive and most often the last to leave.

I have known God my whole life.

And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.

I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.

My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.

My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.

All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.

I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".

Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.

There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.

We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.

I know I am guilty of it.

For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.

In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.

And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.

But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.

Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.

Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.

For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.

The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.

Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.

It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.

He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.

Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."

Random Notes

Ahhhh, vacation. I have been watching many movies, spending quality time with my new friend, Pinterest, and have decided to finally read The Chronicles of Narnia.

I finished "The Magician's Nephew" a couple of days ago and as I have proceeded through the series, my thoughts keep coming back to one tiny part in that book that seemed fairly insignificant at the time it was read.

Digory, the main character, has been sent on a mission with his friend, Polly, and a horse named Fledge, in order to retrieve an apple from a specific tree for Aslan. It is in the midst of this short journey that Digory says, "Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,". Fledge, the talking horse (a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course....) responds by saying that he is sure Aslan would have, if they had asked him. Polly, aware of Aslan's great knowledge, suggests that "Wouldn't he know without being asked?"

The horse, full of wisdom, says simply, "I've no doubt he would. But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."

Since I read that passage, I have been looking at the prayers I pray from a different standpoint. There are some that I leave unspoken and there are times that I desist from praying because well, God is God and surely He already knows. Yeah, I can be lazy.

But isn't it true that He likes to be asked? He likes it when we come to Him for what we need. He doesn't have to be ask in order to know our needs, but when we do come to Him it builds the relationship that He so longs to have with each of us.

So the past few days, each time an anxiety or need creeps into my brain, I hear, "I've sort of the idea he likes to be asked". So, I ask. I come.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 MSG)

A beautiful new song I heard for the first time today. Come!

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On an entirely different note, tonight I was teasing my husband. Sometimes I get actively passive aggressive (yep, actively passive!) with my teasing. For example, if he tells me that he really likes my shirt, I will tease him and say, "So you don't really like my pants?".

I know, I'm such a girl.

Tonight, it centered around my looks. And I could hear myself saying bad things about myself to him just to get a reaction. But I couldn't seem to stop pushing the matter. Maybe I was looking for him to tease me back and flirt; maybe I was looking for a compliment. I really couldn't tell you.

Suddenly, he stopped me cold with, "How does God see you?"

I'm pretty sure my breath caught in my throat as the negative things I had been saying about myself - joking or not - hung in the air between us. Actual tears came to my eyes as I felt convicted because I know that the way I was picking myself apart is not what God does when He looks at me. He looks at me through eyes of grace and mercy. He looks at me with love. He looks at me and finds me beautiful, even when I feel far from it.

I hope to remember that moment when my husband corrected me the next time I feel the urge to say something bad about myself.

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On another, totally different, completely distinct, not even a little bit related note:

I made my first meal from Pinterest tonight.

And it was gooooooooooooooooooood.

I think the Crockpot will be my friend.

More

This post is very personal for me and not always easy to talk about. I think that is because I still feel some shame when I look back at this time in my life.

With that said...

A couple of years ago, I was going through a very hard time. Without delving into too many specifics, it had to do with sleep - or lack thereof. Here is a little about that journey: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=96024931778.

This trial, which started so small, quickly spiraled out of control for me. To many people, losing some sleep is not a huge deal. To me, it caused my life to get completely knocked off balance.  Essentially, I walked around all day, every day with a knot in my stomach, a burden on my shoulders, and a literal anxious pain in my heart. Though there were times of brief reprieve, it was fairly continuous for months and months. I look back at pictures from that time and I can still see a vacant expression on my face because most likely when the picture was taken, I was thinking about whether or not I would sleep well that night.

It was one of the toughest times that I have personally gone through and I think that one of the things that made it so difficult was that I felt all alone in it. Matt was a wonderful support during this time, often just holding me when the anxiety became too much for me, but the anxiety remained all mine to deal with.

There were brief conversations of putting me on meds to help me deal with my anxiety or sleeping pills to make sure that I slept.

None of these things seemed like the answer to me. I don't denounce the help that these things can bring, but to me it just seemed like I would be digging myself a bigger and bigger hole. I chose not to pursue those avenues and clung to God, His love, and His promise to take care of my needs. Even when it seemed as though my prayers were being met with silence, I had to keep trusting that God loved me and had good plans for me.

But the journey out of that space was long and tough. There were many times that I didn't think it would ever end. There were moments when I felt like it took everything in me to clutch tightly to God and my belief in His goodness. And at those moments, there was one song in particular that would come to my mind. It was an old song that I remember singing in church when I was younger and it is amazingly simple:

"I need You more, more than yesterday.
I need You more, more than words can say.
I need You more than ever before.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord.


More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing,
More than the next heartbeat, more than anything.
And Lord, as time goes by I will be by Your side.
Because I never want to go back to my old life."

I would be driving in my car and trying to find the words to pray but they wouldn't come. My mind was circling the toilet of anxious thoughts, but this song would still break through. In the very deepest part of my being, beneath the layers of anxiety that just seemed to be getter thicker with each day, I knew that all I really needed was more of Jesus. Meds and sleeping pills were not the answer for me. For me, I needed more and more and more and more of Him who holds my very life in His hands.

Indeed, there are times when no words are sufficient and no human support is steady or sturdy enough. But if we can find an iota of strength to call out for more, more, more of Jesus, then the dark times cannot last forever.

Pretty, flowery prayers are all well and good. But sometimes, all God needs to hear is that we want more of Him.

Sometimes, one word is enough. More.

We are going to be singing this song again in church soon, and my prayer is that its simplicity would be a reminder of all that really matters in the chaos and confusion of this broken world.

From the other side of a life-changing trial, I say with all certainty that there is power and hope in the name of Jesus. Getting more and more and more of Him is all that saved me from a life of constant anxiety. Getting more and more and more of Him is the hope that I have for the future.

And the honest truth is I still don't sleep perfectly every night. But because I know God deeper than I did before, it is 9 gazillion times easier for me to relax and rest in His care of me.

In any trial or confusion, the answer is always more of Jesus.

Rorschach

I started back to school this week. The class I am taking, Appraisal of the Individual, is all about ways to assess those that we will be seeing in counseling. 

We were discussing the history of assessment and the Rorschach test was brought up. You know Rorschach.....those weird ink-blot type cards that can look like something straight out of a serial killer's mind. 

Our professor, Dr. Rice, stated that when people are being evaluated with these, they fare much better when they take in the entire image on the card, rather than just focusing in on smaller aspects of it. 

Those who were able to view the bigger picture had a healthier all-around view on life and had healthier mindsets. 

It resonated with me that I, too, tend to have an all-around healthier mindset when I am able to focus on the big picture rather than zeroing in on one area of my life. 

And what is the big picture?

That life is not about being comfortable or seeking my own way on things. 

That I am called to love and bless others. 

That God will supply all of my needs. That God has a purpose for my life. That God loves me. 

Colossians 3:1-4 says, "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."

I have a feeling all of life would make more sense if I was constantly attuned to God's perspective. 

This message was reaffirmed to my heart this morning in church, when our pastor's message was all about God's calling and purpose for us. Then Pastor Beard said, "Everything we do is to be taken in the light of eternity."

Life is lived best by taking my eyes off of myself and looking to God. By looking to God, I am able to trust His plan........even when nothing seems to make sense. When I stop fighting for my own way all the time, I am able to relax and feel God's love for others flow through me. He is better able to use me when I let go of my own plans. Now if only I didn't need so many reminders of these things. 

Rorschach, Rorschach, Rorschach. 

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On another random note, Lifelight is this weekend! We ventured out on Friday so Finn could experience his first music festival. It was a wonderful time - we got to hear some awesome music, see great friends that we haven't seen in awhile, and participate in a cool ministry. 

Listening to his first band!

Chatty Daddy

Fjerky Fam Extraordinaire

Beautiful Evening

Ragamuffin

I began reading The Ragamuffin Gospel today and I could tell by its foreword that I was going to like it:

"This book is not for the super-spiritual.
It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero. 
It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis.
It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christianity into a naked appeal of emotion. 
It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. 
It is not for Alleluia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. 
It is not for the fearless and tearless. 
It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the gospels: 'All these commandments I have kept from my youth.'
It is not for the complacent, hoisting over their shoulder a tote-bag of honors, diplomas, and good works actually believing they have it made. 
It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus. 
If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up and burnt-out. 
It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. 
It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know they don't have it altogether and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. 
It is for the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. 
It is for the poor, weak, sinful men and women with hereditary faults and limited talents. 
It is for the earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. 
It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. 
It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest disciples who admit they are scalawags. 
The Ragamuffin Gospel is a book I wrote for myself and anyone who has grown weary and discouraged along the way."

It really caught me on the line, "It is for the inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker." I had to go back and re-read that several times.

At first I wondered, "What does he mean? Cheese? Cracker? Huh?"

And then I think I got it, at least in a way that is applicable to me........at that moment.

If the cracker is me, or my mind/intellect/general grasp on things.........and God is my cheese, "The Big Cheese" so to speak.........

Then I really understood what Brennan Manning was saying.

I try to keep my knowledge and how I understand things steady in order to keep my God-cheese in place, which gives me a phantom feeling as though I actually have a grasp on the world around me. If I shift my cracker too much one way or another, my God-cheese slides right off. And the truth is that cheese just will NOT stay in place! What I know of God is not steady or static. It is ever-changing and evolving and deepening as I learn more and more about Him. Just when I think I've got it figured out - bringing the cheese-covered cracker to my mouth to digest - something happens that throws me off kilter and the cheese. slides. off.

My God-cheese will not be contained. It is uncontainable.

As I have been reading and praying today, I have been asking God to speak to me. And the only thing He has revealed so far is that I am not even close to figuring Him out. He is beyond my knowing.

The question left to ask myself is, does that comfort me or totally freak me out?

However I respond to that is how I respond to God. Either I trust in His infinite goodness and rest in the not knowing...or I scramble around restlessly trying to keep my cheese on the stinking cracker.

Today I say, "Slide off cheese! It keeps me on my toes and I need that."