What Do I Do With These 64 Crayons?

Well, classes start in just 2 and a half weeks and I have truly been running the gamut of emotions:

- Excitement because I know it is what I am supposed to be doing AND I am almost finished
- Sadness over spending significantly less time with Finn
- Nervousness over counseling actual clients
- Wonder over how our finances will be met
- Fear that the stress of it all will cause my sleep problems to creep back in

.....Gosh those are a lot of negative emotions. Can I mention the excitement again? Because that IS a big part of what I am feeling!

I am a person who has dealt with a wide berth of emotions for as long as I can remember. I recall one of my professors stating once that some people have an 8 color box of crayons in emotions.  They have all the basics - red, blue, yellow, which means that they feel all the basic emotions - anger, sadness, happiness, etc.

Then he said that there are others who have a 64 box of crayons - they feel all those basic emotions, but they also feel all sorts of different shades of those emotions. Metaphorically speaking, they have not only blue, but also periwinkle, aqua, turquoise. Realistically speaking, they feel sadness, but also happy sadness, content sadness, angry sadness.

All of that to say, I am pretty sure I have the 64 box crayon of emotions. Not only that, but because of my hypersensitivity, I am usually very in touch with whatever emotion that I am feeling.

In the past, I have lived in surrender to whatever emotion I was feeling at any given point in time. My emotions were in control, so to speak. I used to think that living under the control of my emotions was an authentic way to live  - my feelings were my guide about everything. And while emotions can definitely be A guide, they are not meant to be the sole leader of our lives.

So as I feel all of these emotions about starting classes, I am trying to focus on the positive ones to give them power over the negative ones. But I am also assuring myself that they are just emotions and they don't change what I know I am supposed to be doing. Gosh, I feel like this is quickly venturing into self-help territory!!  Moving on....

Another thing that I am learning to do with my plethora of emotions is to pray them.

I used to feel ashamed of the strength of some of what I felt. I felt anger strongly, I felt sadness strongly, I felt jealousy strongly; but I also felt love strongly, loyalty strongly, obedience strongly, joy strongly.

When I would feel ashamed, I would tend to hide from God, a la Adam and Eve in the garden.

But what I have learned is that God longs to hear the honesty of whatever we are feeling. When we hide from Him, we hinder what He can do in the situation.

Dr. Timothy Keller, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastors to listen to online, did a sermon series on "Praying Your Fears" and "Praying Your Tears".

These sermons can be found online and I highly recommend them to anyone who deals with anxiety or sadness on a daily basis. They were eye opening for me and God used them to release a lot of strongholds in my life.

For those who don't go listen to them, however, essentially what they teach is that God wants to hear from us in the depth of what we are feeling - whatever it is. When we share what we are feeling with Him, it engages Him in the circumstance and invites Him to act.

As one who has often been burdened by the strength of my emotions, I have found praying them and being honest with God about them has been absolutely freeing. I no longer have to ashamed of what I feel; I bring it before God and we deal with it together.

One of my favorite books in the Bible has always been Psalms. I think that the reason I have loved it so is because I have always identified with much of what David wrote. He has been a brotha from anotha motha. In his writings, David expresses fear, sadness, joy, anger, elation, peace. I have recently gone through the psalms again and as I read them this time, I would write down any emotion that I felt was being expressed.

I sensed fear in Psalm 3,
affliction in Psalm 5,
weariness in Psalm 6,
wonder in Psalm 8,
bafflement in Psalm 10,
feeling forgotten in Psalm 13,
feeling rescued in Psalm 18,
thankfulness in Psalm 21,
anxiety in Psalm 22,
loneliness in Psalm31,
brokenness in Psalm 38,
depression in Psalm 42,
rejection in Psalm 44.

And that's not even the half of it.

The main reason that I love the psalms so much is because yes, they are a full expression of emotion. But the best part is that nearly every psalm, no matter what is being expressed, ends in giving glory to God and confessing His power over the circumstance.

Dr. Keller does point out that Psalm 88 is the only psalm that does not end on a positive note. I had written down that I sensed despair and loneliness from this psalm; it is not exactly a mood lifter. Dr. Keller believes that God wanted this psalm included as an indicator that things do not always wrap up happily or positively. Sometimes we can't come to that happy place in our minds after spilling our emotions; sometimes we dwell in darkness.

But even in darkness, we are not alone.

 "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night', even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." - Psalm 139:11-12 (MSG)
"God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you'." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

I don't think my 64 box of emotions is going anywhere soon. But by confessing and expressing them to God, He enters in and is ultimately glorified.

Therein lies the purpose of life.