I yelled at both of my boys in the span of 2 minutes today and had them both crying.
Finn was being mean to Jonas, so I scolded him. Then, when I was talking it out with Finn, Jonas wandered into the bathroom and began playing in the toilet water. The Finn-had-urinated-in-the toilet-and-not-flushed-it toilet water.
Surprised and aghast at both of their actions, I cried out in my primal mommy yell. I'm not proud about it. In fact, I felt pretty stinking lousy about it.
The strength of my emotions and the tough time I have controlling them 100% of the time is one of my personality traits that brings me the most shame. Emotions are telling, and they are always all over my face. My sin is tough to hide.
I am emotionally effusive. And often, it hoists on me a heaping pile of shame.
We have been talking about feelings of shame and condemnation in the young women's study that I lead on Wednesday nights. It's a tricky beast. So often when we feel ashamed for our behavior, we feel like we need to allow ourselves to feel beaten up about it. We need to suffer a bit, just to make extra sure that we learn our lesson. Right?
But here's the thing: when we beat ourselves up about our behavior, we are totally negating the price that Jesus paid for us. We take Him out of the equation and pretend that living victorious all depends on us.
When we dwell too long on our areas of weakness, we forget God's grace.
Our weaknesses serve as a powerful reminder that we absolutely cannot live victoriously on our own.
Paul said in that he delighted in his weaknesses because it reminded him of how much he relied upon his Savior. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest upon me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Paul's wisdom astounds. He's absolutely right. When we allow our weaknesses to become a catalyst to remind us of God's strength, we are on the path to living a life of freedom, unrestrained by the chains of condemnation that wish to remind us of our failings.
If you are frustrated with your own weaknesses and shortcomings, thank God. Thank Him that He didn't leave you to do life on your own and will come with His help the exact moment you ask. It's when we admit that we need Him that He takes our invitation and enters our situation.
"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16 NIV
"So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:16 MSG
One of my favorite chapters in Scripture talks about how God uses the challenges we face. It's one I have turned to time and time again since we entered the ministry field, because it reminds me of my purpose and calling:
2 Corinthians 1:3-6 - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, if is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer."
Essentially what Paul is saying here is that when we go through hard times, we better learn how to invite God in and thereby deal with the dilemma. I believe this works even for learning how to handle daily struggles. We learn His grace when we invite Him into our failures. People who have not suffered much are typically short on compassion. They don't have an understanding of how to deal with tough times because they have no clue what tough times feel like.
God wants to comfort everyone. And He uses us to do it.
"I think God often allows you to be afflicted with the very disease He's called you to heal. If he didn't allow you to feel the pain, you would be arrogant." - Steven Furtick
I can speak personally of this, because another area of my life that threatens to cover me with shame is my struggle with anxiety (another emotional issue). Similar to Paul's thorn in the flesh that he is speaking about in 2 Corinthians 12, I have begged God to take it from me. My insides are crying out, "God, I trust you! I do! I know you love me and care for me but I'm so afraid of the pain that this (whatever it is) could bring!"
And I hear the steady drumbeat of shame coming closer: "If you really trusted God, you wouldn't be tied in knots right now. Some child of God you are. Look at all He's done for you and you're still doubting? What a sorry excuse. You're faithless. You're pathetic. Pull it together already. Some kind of example you are setting for all those young women you claim to care so much about. Weak. You're weak and far too sensitive for your own good. God is so disappointed in you."
Shame is ugly. But through grappling through the dark space of anxiety and the accompanying shame, I have felt first-hand the freedom that comes from inviting God into the situation. Now, when I feel the familiar tug of those feelings, I know what to do. I've felt the solution. And I can proclaim ecstatically, first-hand, the blessing of peace.
It is absolutely one of my primary goals in life to help others who are dealing with the same things I have felt suffocated by. Through the blood, sweat, and tears of this life, I have learned that we are each weak for a reason. We are weak to teach us compassion for others. We are weak to remember that we cannot live free all on our own. We are weak to invite God in and receive His mercy.
So today, I got to a place where I thanked God for my flourish of weakness. I prayed that He would help me to be more patient and understanding the next time, and that He would help me walk through a cranky day of parenting.
And then I prayed that He would use my weakness to comfort and bless someone else. Maybe, someday, I'll be able to say to another young mom, "I understand. You're not alone. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Go love on your kids, tell them you're sorry, and receive God's grace for your sin."
We're made to need God.
Yes, shame is ugly. But grace is so, so beautiful.
