I was newly pregnant and very hormonal when Matt leaned over to me in the middle of a church service and said, "I hope that our baby is a little girl, because I want to be the daddy to her that you never had."
In that moment, every emotion in my body tried to punch its way out of my body at the same time. It was powerful and memorable.
We have never had that little girl we thought we would.
But on this Father's Day weekend, if there was one thing I could say to my husband, it would be:
He has been that daddy to our boys.
He is present.
I asked Finn today what is his favorite thing about his daddy. He said, "I love that he wrestles and plays and swims and flies a kite with me. And that he lets me go to church with him at rest time sometimes."
It is Matt's presence that matters to his son(s).
In all of my experiences with fathers, I realize more and more that so much of fatherhood is presentness.
And not simply being in the same room. But being present with one's presence.
I could sit in the same room with someone for 5 hours, staring at a tv, and not feel like I matter at all.
But give me 10 minutes of invested conversation, and my value goes through the roof.
I have been reading in Exodus lately. At the beginning of chapter 26, God outlines the blessings that he longs to give to His people (vv. 3-13).
In these verses, God promises immense blessings if His people obey Him.
He promises fertility in the land (vv. 4-5, 10)
He promises living in safety in the land (v. 5)
He promises removal of dangerous animals and of the sword (v. 6)
He promises victory (v.7)
He promises His favor (v. 9)
When I was reading this the other day, I caught a glimpse of God's Father heart towards us.
The essence of these verses show the role a father ideally plays for his children: provision, peace, and protection.
Lastly, and most beautifully, God promises His presence: "I will place My residence among you, and I will not reject you. I will walk among you and be your God, and you will be my people." (v 11-12).
God's ultimate promise to bless us was His Presence.
This leads me to believe that God's plan for earthly fathers is to provide their children with the same:
Provision. Peace. Protection. Presence.
Fatherhood at its fullest:
- teaches
- leads
- disciplines
- invests
- asks questions
- notices what is unsaid
- provides
- brings peace
- protects
- SHOWS UP DOG TIRED AND SELFISHLY WANTING TO REST BUT POURS FORTH THE LAST BIT OF WHAT HE HAS SO THAT HIS CHILD KNOWS THEY ARE LOVED, VALUED, AND TREASURED.
Simply being present with one's presence makes all the difference, however much of it one have to give.
Fatherhood is presentness.
Showing posts with label my husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label my husband. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
How NOT to Help the Hurting
As my husband made his way to the church yesterday, his attention was drawn to a group of protesters outside the Planned Parenthood building. This is not a new sight to him; in fact, it's a fairly common one.
But something struck him differently yesterday. As he watched, one of the protestors yelled directly at a woman entering the building and waved her sign at her with reckless abandon.
Something in his heart hurt for that woman entering the building.
He parked his car and walked over to the protestors. Emboldened, he told them, "This is not Christ's love! The words on some of these signs are awful. I stand with you guys in your beliefs but the words on these signs and getting aggressively in their faces is not Christ's love. Talking with them and praying with them would show Christ's love more than this."
These signs said words like "Butchers", amongst other things.
I truly believe this is not the way Jesus would be dealing with these women. (Psalm 103:10-11)
Time after time during his years of ministry, Jesus used truthful, yet gentle words with those who were lost in sin and hurting.
To the Samaritan woman in John 4, he invites her to abundant life, then speaks to her in straight-forward fashion of the life she has been leading thus far. He didn't get in her face with a sign, but touched her heart through conversation. Verse 39 tells us that "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.'"
To the adulterous woman in John 8, he cleverly diverts those accusing her and in a moment, lavishes unexpected mercy on her. She expects a stone and receives new life instead. He does not condemn or shame her, but lets grace do its work and tells her to leave her life of sin.
To the rich young man in Mark 10, he answers his questions and when it comes to the moment when he knows the man will meet his stronghold, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him" before speaking the words that would make the man turn away to deal with his decision.
To the outcasts and sinners, Jesus abundantly gave love, freedom, healing, and acceptance.
The ones that Jesus spoke the most harshly with were actually the religiously pious. In Matthew 23 he minces no words towards the Pharisees calling them, in swift succession: hypocrites, blind guides, blind fools, blind men, snakes, and brood of vipers. These were men who were representing religion and the law, and they were so busy filling up their minds that they never let the truth of what they learned penetrate their hearts. They were hardened and unmerciful. If they had had a picket sign, they probably would have smacked someone over the head with it.
One of the reasons that what Matt did yesterday hit so close to home for me is because he did something that I was once unable to do. When I was living in Minneapolis, I remember driving past the Metrodome to signs that were shaming and condemning homosexuality. These signs had words so ugly on them that I don't even want to put them here.
I remember driving by with tears in my eyes and a breaking heart. One sign in particular boldly and stupidly declared that God hated homosexuals. I immediately pictured my friend Eric, who is homosexual. Eric and I had grown close. Eric and I talked often about God and I tried to answer his questions as well as I could, a bumbling Bible school student. I had repeatedly and consistently tried to both speak and model the love of Christ to Eric.
It broke my heart and made me angry that he could drive by the lies on those signs outside the Metrodome, and possibly ever believe that God hated him. Though incredibly angered that day, I did not stop. I drove away and let hate have the final word.
A surprising thing happened after Matt's conversation with the protestors yesterday. One of them came into the church and found him. She told him that he was right and that she didn't feel as though they were displaying Christ's love through the measures they were using. He talked with her and prayed with her, and she left with a new strategy to love the hurting.
As followers of Christ, there are absolutely harmful ways to spread our beliefs. These aggressive and selfish tactics only push away the ones that God so desperately wants us to reach.
Micah 7:18 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy".
If God delights in mercy, then I will seek every opportunity to show it. I am most like Christ when I extend grace and love to the lost and hurting, rather than slinging accusations at those who most need a tender word or gentle touch. Let us invite and invest rather than shame and condemn.
But something struck him differently yesterday. As he watched, one of the protestors yelled directly at a woman entering the building and waved her sign at her with reckless abandon.
Something in his heart hurt for that woman entering the building.
He parked his car and walked over to the protestors. Emboldened, he told them, "This is not Christ's love! The words on some of these signs are awful. I stand with you guys in your beliefs but the words on these signs and getting aggressively in their faces is not Christ's love. Talking with them and praying with them would show Christ's love more than this."
These signs said words like "Butchers", amongst other things.
I truly believe this is not the way Jesus would be dealing with these women. (Psalm 103:10-11)
Time after time during his years of ministry, Jesus used truthful, yet gentle words with those who were lost in sin and hurting.
To the Samaritan woman in John 4, he invites her to abundant life, then speaks to her in straight-forward fashion of the life she has been leading thus far. He didn't get in her face with a sign, but touched her heart through conversation. Verse 39 tells us that "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman's testimony, 'He told me everything I ever did.'"
To the adulterous woman in John 8, he cleverly diverts those accusing her and in a moment, lavishes unexpected mercy on her. She expects a stone and receives new life instead. He does not condemn or shame her, but lets grace do its work and tells her to leave her life of sin.
To the rich young man in Mark 10, he answers his questions and when it comes to the moment when he knows the man will meet his stronghold, it says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him" before speaking the words that would make the man turn away to deal with his decision.
To the outcasts and sinners, Jesus abundantly gave love, freedom, healing, and acceptance.
The ones that Jesus spoke the most harshly with were actually the religiously pious. In Matthew 23 he minces no words towards the Pharisees calling them, in swift succession: hypocrites, blind guides, blind fools, blind men, snakes, and brood of vipers. These were men who were representing religion and the law, and they were so busy filling up their minds that they never let the truth of what they learned penetrate their hearts. They were hardened and unmerciful. If they had had a picket sign, they probably would have smacked someone over the head with it.
One of the reasons that what Matt did yesterday hit so close to home for me is because he did something that I was once unable to do. When I was living in Minneapolis, I remember driving past the Metrodome to signs that were shaming and condemning homosexuality. These signs had words so ugly on them that I don't even want to put them here.
I remember driving by with tears in my eyes and a breaking heart. One sign in particular boldly and stupidly declared that God hated homosexuals. I immediately pictured my friend Eric, who is homosexual. Eric and I had grown close. Eric and I talked often about God and I tried to answer his questions as well as I could, a bumbling Bible school student. I had repeatedly and consistently tried to both speak and model the love of Christ to Eric.
It broke my heart and made me angry that he could drive by the lies on those signs outside the Metrodome, and possibly ever believe that God hated him. Though incredibly angered that day, I did not stop. I drove away and let hate have the final word.
A surprising thing happened after Matt's conversation with the protestors yesterday. One of them came into the church and found him. She told him that he was right and that she didn't feel as though they were displaying Christ's love through the measures they were using. He talked with her and prayed with her, and she left with a new strategy to love the hurting.
As followers of Christ, there are absolutely harmful ways to spread our beliefs. These aggressive and selfish tactics only push away the ones that God so desperately wants us to reach.
Micah 7:18 says, "Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy".
If God delights in mercy, then I will seek every opportunity to show it. I am most like Christ when I extend grace and love to the lost and hurting, rather than slinging accusations at those who most need a tender word or gentle touch. Let us invite and invest rather than shame and condemn.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Harmony
Harmony can be defined in multiple ways:
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"
Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.
One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.
But it all started with the music. And the worship.
From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).
I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.
When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.
I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.
Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.
There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.
When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.
I love seeing him shine.
Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.
Two voices, one lovely strain.
When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.
"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15
When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.
In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.
And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.
Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.
Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.
But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.
Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"
Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.
One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.
But it all started with the music. And the worship.
From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).
I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.
When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.
I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.
Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.
There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.
When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.
I love seeing him shine.
Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.
Two voices, one lovely strain.
When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.
"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15
When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.
In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.
And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.
Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.
Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.
But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.
Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1
Saturday, June 14, 2014
A Daddy's Day Post
Growing up, I was never super gung ho about Father's Day.
I mean, it was fine.
I would get a card and make sure I told my dad that I loved him. I think I bought a gift a time or two.
My dad just never seemed very into celebrations…which takes some of the fun out of celebrating.
I loved my dad, but there wasn't always a desire to celebrate him.
My mom, on the other hand, was the queen of celebrations. Because of this, as well as her stellar care of us that went above and beyond what was required, us kids would often get my mom a card on Father's Day as well.
I say all of this to explain why it is a big deal that I am really looking forward to CELEBRATING Father's Day tomorrow.
Matt is a father worth celebrating.
He is a father who rocks Finn nearly every night before bed, all while singing the exact same 3 songs (in the exact same order) that Finn insists upon.
He is a father who gets Finn to brush his teeth by laughing, which gets Finn to brush even longer and harder, if only to make daddy laugh some more.
He is a father who has cleaned and scrubbed pukey sheets and held feverish boys.
He is a father who will stop while mowing the lawn just to catch a frog so that Finn can play with it.
He is a father who goes out of his way to stop and get "superhero" juice.
He is a father who drops what he is doing to help walk us out to the car after church so that we know that he is there for us even when others are wanting his attention.
He is a father who will sit on the floor and foster imagination by telling elaborate superhero stories.
He is a father who lets Finn sit on his lap nearly every morning as he drinks his coffee and gives him the coveted egg from his breakfast sandwich.
He is a father who doesn't shy away from a poopy diaper.
He is a father who cares enough to discipline his sons and teach them right from wrong. He leads by example, yet corrects when needed.
Maybe most importantly, he is a father who loves his boys' mother. They will know how to be amazing husbands someday by watching and learning how their daddy does it. He values and prioritizes us, and lets us all know that we are special to him.
Fathers like these are rare, a true gift. I am so thankful that my sons have a father that they can look up to and trust his leading.
These things are not to be taken lightly, no matter how menial they may seem.
By watching their daddy, Finn and Jonas will know how to love others well, how to be men of integrity, and how to live a life that glorifies God most of all.
In many ways, I feel like God is restoring the lost relationship that I had with my father by giving me a front row seat to watch Matt father our boys.
God doesn't skimp on blessings, after all.
I mean, it was fine.
I would get a card and make sure I told my dad that I loved him. I think I bought a gift a time or two.
My dad just never seemed very into celebrations…which takes some of the fun out of celebrating.
I loved my dad, but there wasn't always a desire to celebrate him.
My mom, on the other hand, was the queen of celebrations. Because of this, as well as her stellar care of us that went above and beyond what was required, us kids would often get my mom a card on Father's Day as well.
I say all of this to explain why it is a big deal that I am really looking forward to CELEBRATING Father's Day tomorrow.
Matt is a father worth celebrating.
He is a father who rocks Finn nearly every night before bed, all while singing the exact same 3 songs (in the exact same order) that Finn insists upon.
He is a father who gets Finn to brush his teeth by laughing, which gets Finn to brush even longer and harder, if only to make daddy laugh some more.
He is a father who has cleaned and scrubbed pukey sheets and held feverish boys.
He is a father who will stop while mowing the lawn just to catch a frog so that Finn can play with it.
He is a father who goes out of his way to stop and get "superhero" juice.
He is a father who drops what he is doing to help walk us out to the car after church so that we know that he is there for us even when others are wanting his attention.
He is a father who will sit on the floor and foster imagination by telling elaborate superhero stories.
He is a father who lets Finn sit on his lap nearly every morning as he drinks his coffee and gives him the coveted egg from his breakfast sandwich.
He is a father who doesn't shy away from a poopy diaper.
He is a father who cares enough to discipline his sons and teach them right from wrong. He leads by example, yet corrects when needed.
Maybe most importantly, he is a father who loves his boys' mother. They will know how to be amazing husbands someday by watching and learning how their daddy does it. He values and prioritizes us, and lets us all know that we are special to him.
Fathers like these are rare, a true gift. I am so thankful that my sons have a father that they can look up to and trust his leading.
These things are not to be taken lightly, no matter how menial they may seem.
By watching their daddy, Finn and Jonas will know how to love others well, how to be men of integrity, and how to live a life that glorifies God most of all.
In many ways, I feel like God is restoring the lost relationship that I had with my father by giving me a front row seat to watch Matt father our boys.
God doesn't skimp on blessings, after all.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Unsafe Relationship
When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.
I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.
He was too friendly and nice to everybody.
I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
He was also too good-looking.
I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.
So what does God do?
He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.
I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.
He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.
He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.
Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.
Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......
Yeah, this was like that.
The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.
I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.
God wanted to give me more than just enough.
I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.
God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.
I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.
God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability.
I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.
Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."
As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.
Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."
Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.
God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.
Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.
My cup overflows.
I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.
He was too friendly and nice to everybody.
I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
He was also too good-looking.
I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.
I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.
So what does God do?
He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.
I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.
He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.
He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.
Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.
Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......
Yeah, this was like that.
The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.
I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.
God wanted to give me more than just enough.
I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.
God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.
I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.
God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability.
I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.
But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.
Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."
As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.
Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."
Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.
God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.
Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.
My cup overflows.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Inconvenient Interruptions
Oh my little bloggy blog, how I have missed you!
Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)
However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.
I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.
But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.
Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.
I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.
I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.
I begin to angry clean my kitchen.
"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"
My emotions were running away like a freight train.
Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.
Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.
I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"
My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.
A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.
Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?
30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.
It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.
I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.
It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.
Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.
God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.
God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.
Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.
When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.
Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)
However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.
I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.
But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.
Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.
I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.
I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.
5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.
I begin to angry clean my kitchen.
"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"
My emotions were running away like a freight train.
Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.
Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.
I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"
My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.
A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.
Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?
30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.
It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.
I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.
It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.
Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.
God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.
God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.
Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.
When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Worth the Wait
I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.
I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.
Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.
When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!
But God loves surprises.
I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.
Because I was obedient, I was blessed.
Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.
I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.
Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.
But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.
I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."
After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far.
Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?
Maybe.
But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special.
I still see the man that I know God meant for me.
I still know that I am crazy blessed.
It was worth the wait.
I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.
Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.
When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!
But God loves surprises.
I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.
Because I was obedient, I was blessed.
Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.
I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.
Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.
But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.
I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."
After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far.
Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?
Maybe.
But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special.
I still see the man that I know God meant for me.
I still know that I am crazy blessed.
It was worth the wait.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Kindred Spirits
I've been delving back into my Anne of Green Gables books again recently. Sometimes I feel like a child again when I read them and I think maybe that is what draws me in time and time again.
I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).
I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.
One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".
In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.
Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"
Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.
I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.
Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."
I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.
I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.
I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.
To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.
So..........you know...............thanks.
I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).
I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.
One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".
In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.
Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"
Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.
I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.
Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."
I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.
I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.
I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.
To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.
So..........you know...............thanks.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Ring Reminder
This post is momentous for me because it is #100.
Woohoo! Who would have thought that I would have so much to say? :)
This past week Matt has been gone as a counselor at senior high camp. In his absence, I found myself coping with it in a few different ways:
- I stayed busy and surrounded by friends and family
- I took lots of pictures to document our week so that it wouldn't feel like Matt missed anything
- I hardly took my wedding ring off at all
Admittedly, leaving my wedding ring on all week doesn't seem like that big of a deal. But usually I take it off right when I enter the house, right along with my shoes. Matt and I have both done this since we got married - we walk in the door, take off adornments, and put on comfies :). Yes, we are an old married couple!
However, this week, I felt myself drawn to my ring in his absence. I showered with it on, slept with it on, exercised with it on. Without his presence there to consistently remind me of his love for me (we couldn't really talk throughout the week either), I found a sort of solace in the ring that he gave me.
My ring serves as a reminder of the promise that Matt gave me. In his absence, I could recall that promise by wearing and looking at the ring. I knew that there was someone out there that loved me, even if I couldn't see him or talk to him.
Yesterday as I was contemplating the comfort I found in doing this, I thought about God's promises to us which are provided in His Word. While we may not always utilize them as we should and "leave them off in the comfort of our own home" like Matt and I do with our rings, they are still there in our loneliness, desperation, and need.
The promises remain, even in physical absence. And they are reminders of the ultimate love.
Woohoo! Who would have thought that I would have so much to say? :)
This past week Matt has been gone as a counselor at senior high camp. In his absence, I found myself coping with it in a few different ways:
- I stayed busy and surrounded by friends and family
- I took lots of pictures to document our week so that it wouldn't feel like Matt missed anything
- I hardly took my wedding ring off at all
Admittedly, leaving my wedding ring on all week doesn't seem like that big of a deal. But usually I take it off right when I enter the house, right along with my shoes. Matt and I have both done this since we got married - we walk in the door, take off adornments, and put on comfies :). Yes, we are an old married couple!
However, this week, I felt myself drawn to my ring in his absence. I showered with it on, slept with it on, exercised with it on. Without his presence there to consistently remind me of his love for me (we couldn't really talk throughout the week either), I found a sort of solace in the ring that he gave me.
My ring serves as a reminder of the promise that Matt gave me. In his absence, I could recall that promise by wearing and looking at the ring. I knew that there was someone out there that loved me, even if I couldn't see him or talk to him.
Yesterday as I was contemplating the comfort I found in doing this, I thought about God's promises to us which are provided in His Word. While we may not always utilize them as we should and "leave them off in the comfort of our own home" like Matt and I do with our rings, they are still there in our loneliness, desperation, and need.
The promises remain, even in physical absence. And they are reminders of the ultimate love.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Love Languages
I have heard it said before that we tend to give out love the way that we like to receive it.
For those who feel loved when being held or touched, they hold and touch.
For those who feel loved when encouraged and affirmed, they encourage and affirm.
For those who feel loved when things are done for them in service, they serve.
For those who feel loved when spending quality time together, they give quality time.
For those who feel loved with gifts, they give gifts.
I have found this to be true in my own life, most definitely.
I recognize it by the way that I feel when someone is speaking my love language. I feel valued, cherished, thought of. I feel more than loved; I feel known.
Matt and I speak different love languages. It has taken some time to learn just how much he appreciates it when I bring him a gift to show him that I have been thinking of him while I was shopping at Target. When I make the gift an energy drink, I get to watch his face light up like an 8 year old.
To me, I do enjoy when he thinks of me and gets me a gift at Target.
But when he gives me words of affirmation and tells me how he loves me and why he loves me?
Overwhelmed.
Bowled over.
Tears.
Joy.
While it is good for me to know under what circumstances that I feel the most loved and best receive love, I can't just leave it at that. I need to be cognizant of the love that I give out as well.
This is how I am working on it:
I have said on this blog before that I am a shy and timid person. In fact, it is in my "About Me" section that I hate small talk.
While that isn't a lie by any means, I am beginning to realize that sometimes if I speak something enough over my life, I just might start to fully believe it.
Because there is a need in me to be pursued, I can have a difficult time beginning conversations - going up to someone cold turkey and breaking the ice.
Being the youngest child, I grew up having a lot of others do the talking for me. My best friend is a genius conversation holder. My husband could talk to a wall if he really wanted to. I am used to others carrying the conversation while I sit back and observe.
The truth is, I can be shy. However, when the need has called for it, I have risen to be an excellent talker and relationship pursuer.
What I have begun to realize is that I can't always wait for others to make the first step.
How tragic it would be if someone went untalked to, or felt unloved, because it made me feel uncomfortable.
I guess I just don't feel like I can really take that risk anymore.
I have been called to love. Loving means loving the other person in the way that they can best receive it.......which may not always be my natural way of giving love.
In this way, love means being uncomfortable.
I have finally gotten comfortable with that.
Monday, May 7, 2012
'Bout Time, Summer
I love summer! I am done with classes and can take a deep breath and just enjoy these next few months before things get really crazy next fall.
I get to spend all day every day with the sweetest, funniest boy I know.
My bestest friends are almost freed from the bonds of teaching for the summer, hence hangout time - zoos, parks, playdates.
My sister and her boys come in a couple weeks for a glorious month of relentless family bonding - and I mean that in the best possible way.
My husband and I are starting a small group for young adults which I am SO excited about.
Plus, I am actually enjoying running. Today as I rolled out of bed at 7 a.m., I smiled when I saw that the sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. I kind of couldn't wait to get out there.
So far, I have run 5 days since last Monday. On Saturday, I wasn't planning to run, but I was feeling cranky and just feeling like I needed to blow off some steam. So I ran, faster than I ever had before, in the wind (unprecedented!), and by the time I got home, I felt almost giddy. Mood swings: meet your match. Her name is running and she's a beast.
Today, I am eager to check off one thing off my to-do list. I get to go to the library and dig for new books to read!!
I love libraries. I get tiny little butterflies when I think about going to one - no joke. Ahhhh.....books. Endless supplies of books.
Even as a little girl I loved libraries. My mom would bring Josh and I there on Saturdays and then we would scatter. I would hole up somewhere in the teen fiction - probably right between The Baby-Sitters Club and Sweet Valley books. Literally planted on the floor, I would have piles around me, trying to decided which ones to check out. After all, my mom always gave us a limit of 7.
If I am being embarrassingly honest, I would still wander to that same section as an adult - back when the books were still being written - because I wanted to see what continued to happen to my favorite BSC girls from Stoneybrook. Were they still perpetually 13? Would they ever graduate to high school? How many times exactly could they re-live 8th grade?
So that's my agenda today. And it's fantastic.
Ahhhhhhh, summer.
On an equally sunny summer note, this past Friday was a big day for my husband - a day that he has been waiting a good year for. In many ways, I think he has been waiting most of his life for this day.
It was Avengers day.
As a little boy growing up, Matt devoured comic books and the escapism fantasy that they offered. Even now as a grown man, he can still get lost in the intricate back stories and superpowers of his favorite characters.
So Friday came. Matt had arranged for his mom to come to town and sit with Finn so that we could go together. I got a t-shirt for the occasion.
We got to the movie early and sat about halfway up the stadium seating. After a couple minutes, Matt decided it was a little too close, so we moved back to a more ideal spot in the last, top row.
As the movie time creeped closer, Matt started wringing his hands and shifting in his seat. We both took well planned bathroom breaks. In the couple minutes before, Matt actually began muttering, "Just start!" under his breath.
The next 2 hours and 20 minutes passed in splendid fashion. It was a truly great movie, and that's coming from someone who is still a comic book newbie.
The moral of the story is that my husband is cute. And summer is here! Bask! Enjoy!
I get to spend all day every day with the sweetest, funniest boy I know.
My bestest friends are almost freed from the bonds of teaching for the summer, hence hangout time - zoos, parks, playdates.
My sister and her boys come in a couple weeks for a glorious month of relentless family bonding - and I mean that in the best possible way.
My husband and I are starting a small group for young adults which I am SO excited about.
Plus, I am actually enjoying running. Today as I rolled out of bed at 7 a.m., I smiled when I saw that the sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. I kind of couldn't wait to get out there.
So far, I have run 5 days since last Monday. On Saturday, I wasn't planning to run, but I was feeling cranky and just feeling like I needed to blow off some steam. So I ran, faster than I ever had before, in the wind (unprecedented!), and by the time I got home, I felt almost giddy. Mood swings: meet your match. Her name is running and she's a beast.
Today, I am eager to check off one thing off my to-do list. I get to go to the library and dig for new books to read!!
I love libraries. I get tiny little butterflies when I think about going to one - no joke. Ahhhh.....books. Endless supplies of books.
Even as a little girl I loved libraries. My mom would bring Josh and I there on Saturdays and then we would scatter. I would hole up somewhere in the teen fiction - probably right between The Baby-Sitters Club and Sweet Valley books. Literally planted on the floor, I would have piles around me, trying to decided which ones to check out. After all, my mom always gave us a limit of 7.
If I am being embarrassingly honest, I would still wander to that same section as an adult - back when the books were still being written - because I wanted to see what continued to happen to my favorite BSC girls from Stoneybrook. Were they still perpetually 13? Would they ever graduate to high school? How many times exactly could they re-live 8th grade?
So that's my agenda today. And it's fantastic.
Ahhhhhhh, summer.
On an equally sunny summer note, this past Friday was a big day for my husband - a day that he has been waiting a good year for. In many ways, I think he has been waiting most of his life for this day.
It was Avengers day.
As a little boy growing up, Matt devoured comic books and the escapism fantasy that they offered. Even now as a grown man, he can still get lost in the intricate back stories and superpowers of his favorite characters.
So Friday came. Matt had arranged for his mom to come to town and sit with Finn so that we could go together. I got a t-shirt for the occasion.
As the movie time creeped closer, Matt started wringing his hands and shifting in his seat. We both took well planned bathroom breaks. In the couple minutes before, Matt actually began muttering, "Just start!" under his breath.
The next 2 hours and 20 minutes passed in splendid fashion. It was a truly great movie, and that's coming from someone who is still a comic book newbie.
The moral of the story is that my husband is cute. And summer is here! Bask! Enjoy!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Valentiney Ooey Gooey Love
My first real Valentine's Day was the first one that Matt and I spent together in 2008. It was a doosey, too.
It was delightful - everything that I had longed for while I was waiting and single. Since then, Valentine's Days have still been special. This year was no different; thanks to a couple from church, Matt and I were able to go out for a nice dinner at Spezia's and thanks to my mom for the free baby-sitting, we were able to have a focused conversation without pausing to tear food apart or disinfect surfaces. Best of all, Matt's gift to me was tickets to a Dave Barnes (my FAVORITE!!!) concert in Minneapolis. So, not only will I get Dave Barnes, I will also get Chipotle, good shopping, and time alone with my husband. Perfection!
However, as good as the Valentine's holiday was this year, last night was the most aware I have been in a long time of how much I love my husband, how blessed we are.
We had been watching my mom's dog, Kody, for the past week. About 9 p.m., Kody throws up. Matt, after a quick dog scolding, cleans it up.
About 10:15, Finn throws up. The two of us jump into action: I grab Finn and dunk him through a quick bath and get him clean and fragrant and then hold him close and rock with him and sing to him. Meanwhile, my valiant husband is downstairs scrubbing vomit out of Finn's sheets and pajamas.
About half an hour later, right after I laid him back in his crib, Finn throws up again. We both activate again and clean the mess up by working together. A little while later, I am holding Finn when he starts to heave and cry again, and Matt grabs a floatable tub (yes, this was readily available in our house) and I move Finn and at least the throw up is contained this time.
As I am holding Finn and rubbing his head and back, Kody throws up two more times. At this point, the whole situation is somewhat comical! While I am cleaning up doggy ick, Matt changes the laundry and hauls an extra mattress up from downstairs and places it on the floor in Finn's room for us to sleep on for the night. After all, there is no way that we can sleep across the hall in our room and risk Finn throwing up again.
We settle in for the night, unusually close together on the full-sized mattress (thank heavens for Queen-sized). Again, about half an hour later, we hear Finn make a familiar sound; rising off the mattress, Matt grabs the bowl we had placed aside for such a purpose and I grab the paper towels to wipe off Finn's face. Once he is back down, we discover another previously unnoticed pile of doggy ick. So Matt cleans it up.
I high five my husband.
As we lay back down and I drift off to sleep, I give thanks for the team that we make. I think of how much I love him and how cleaning pukey sheets speaks so much more to me than a bouquet of flowers (although, flowers ARE nice too :)).
And although I am more tired than usual this morning, I have extra pep in my step and joy in my disposition because I have been fortunate to be reminded of my blessings through a throw up kind of evening. This morning I am thankful for my son who is now healthy and for the partnership that my husband and I have.
It doesn't say in the Bible that true love cleans up puke, but I'm pretty sure its inferred :).
He got me flowers, several gifts - all wrapped with white tissue paper and colored with red marker - and he sang me a song he had written for me. We had a heart shaped pizza from Pizza Hut and watched "Across the Universe".
However, as good as the Valentine's holiday was this year, last night was the most aware I have been in a long time of how much I love my husband, how blessed we are.
We had been watching my mom's dog, Kody, for the past week. About 9 p.m., Kody throws up. Matt, after a quick dog scolding, cleans it up.
About 10:15, Finn throws up. The two of us jump into action: I grab Finn and dunk him through a quick bath and get him clean and fragrant and then hold him close and rock with him and sing to him. Meanwhile, my valiant husband is downstairs scrubbing vomit out of Finn's sheets and pajamas.
About half an hour later, right after I laid him back in his crib, Finn throws up again. We both activate again and clean the mess up by working together. A little while later, I am holding Finn when he starts to heave and cry again, and Matt grabs a floatable tub (yes, this was readily available in our house) and I move Finn and at least the throw up is contained this time.
As I am holding Finn and rubbing his head and back, Kody throws up two more times. At this point, the whole situation is somewhat comical! While I am cleaning up doggy ick, Matt changes the laundry and hauls an extra mattress up from downstairs and places it on the floor in Finn's room for us to sleep on for the night. After all, there is no way that we can sleep across the hall in our room and risk Finn throwing up again.
We settle in for the night, unusually close together on the full-sized mattress (thank heavens for Queen-sized). Again, about half an hour later, we hear Finn make a familiar sound; rising off the mattress, Matt grabs the bowl we had placed aside for such a purpose and I grab the paper towels to wipe off Finn's face. Once he is back down, we discover another previously unnoticed pile of doggy ick. So Matt cleans it up.
I high five my husband.
As we lay back down and I drift off to sleep, I give thanks for the team that we make. I think of how much I love him and how cleaning pukey sheets speaks so much more to me than a bouquet of flowers (although, flowers ARE nice too :)).
And although I am more tired than usual this morning, I have extra pep in my step and joy in my disposition because I have been fortunate to be reminded of my blessings through a throw up kind of evening. This morning I am thankful for my son who is now healthy and for the partnership that my husband and I have.
It doesn't say in the Bible that true love cleans up puke, but I'm pretty sure its inferred :).
Friday, January 6, 2012
Steppin' Out with My Baby
There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.
Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.
I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!
Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.
With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.
Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.
Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,
"It doesn't have to make sense."
Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!
"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)
Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.
God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!
Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.
What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?
Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.
Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.
We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.
So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.
What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.
All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).
Monday, January 2, 2012
Random Notes
Ahhhh, vacation. I have been watching many movies, spending quality time with my new friend, Pinterest, and have decided to finally read The Chronicles of Narnia.
I finished "The Magician's Nephew" a couple of days ago and as I have proceeded through the series, my thoughts keep coming back to one tiny part in that book that seemed fairly insignificant at the time it was read.
Digory, the main character, has been sent on a mission with his friend, Polly, and a horse named Fledge, in order to retrieve an apple from a specific tree for Aslan. It is in the midst of this short journey that Digory says, "Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,". Fledge, the talking horse (a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course....) responds by saying that he is sure Aslan would have, if they had asked him. Polly, aware of Aslan's great knowledge, suggests that "Wouldn't he know without being asked?"
The horse, full of wisdom, says simply, "I've no doubt he would. But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."
Since I read that passage, I have been looking at the prayers I pray from a different standpoint. There are some that I leave unspoken and there are times that I desist from praying because well, God is God and surely He already knows. Yeah, I can be lazy.
But isn't it true that He likes to be asked? He likes it when we come to Him for what we need. He doesn't have to be ask in order to know our needs, but when we do come to Him it builds the relationship that He so longs to have with each of us.
So the past few days, each time an anxiety or need creeps into my brain, I hear, "I've sort of the idea he likes to be asked". So, I ask. I come.
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 MSG)
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On an entirely different note, tonight I was teasing my husband. Sometimes I get actively passive aggressive (yep, actively passive!) with my teasing. For example, if he tells me that he really likes my shirt, I will tease him and say, "So you don't really like my pants?".
I know, I'm such a girl.
Tonight, it centered around my looks. And I could hear myself saying bad things about myself to him just to get a reaction. But I couldn't seem to stop pushing the matter. Maybe I was looking for him to tease me back and flirt; maybe I was looking for a compliment. I really couldn't tell you.
Suddenly, he stopped me cold with, "How does God see you?"
I'm pretty sure my breath caught in my throat as the negative things I had been saying about myself - joking or not - hung in the air between us. Actual tears came to my eyes as I felt convicted because I know that the way I was picking myself apart is not what God does when He looks at me. He looks at me through eyes of grace and mercy. He looks at me with love. He looks at me and finds me beautiful, even when I feel far from it.
I hope to remember that moment when my husband corrected me the next time I feel the urge to say something bad about myself.
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On another, totally different, completely distinct, not even a little bit related note:
I made my first meal from Pinterest tonight.
And it was gooooooooooooooooooood.
I think the Crockpot will be my friend.
I finished "The Magician's Nephew" a couple of days ago and as I have proceeded through the series, my thoughts keep coming back to one tiny part in that book that seemed fairly insignificant at the time it was read.
Digory, the main character, has been sent on a mission with his friend, Polly, and a horse named Fledge, in order to retrieve an apple from a specific tree for Aslan. It is in the midst of this short journey that Digory says, "Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,". Fledge, the talking horse (a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course....) responds by saying that he is sure Aslan would have, if they had asked him. Polly, aware of Aslan's great knowledge, suggests that "Wouldn't he know without being asked?"
The horse, full of wisdom, says simply, "I've no doubt he would. But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."
Since I read that passage, I have been looking at the prayers I pray from a different standpoint. There are some that I leave unspoken and there are times that I desist from praying because well, God is God and surely He already knows. Yeah, I can be lazy.
But isn't it true that He likes to be asked? He likes it when we come to Him for what we need. He doesn't have to be ask in order to know our needs, but when we do come to Him it builds the relationship that He so longs to have with each of us.
So the past few days, each time an anxiety or need creeps into my brain, I hear, "I've sort of the idea he likes to be asked". So, I ask. I come.
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 MSG)
A beautiful new song I heard for the first time today. Come!
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On an entirely different note, tonight I was teasing my husband. Sometimes I get actively passive aggressive (yep, actively passive!) with my teasing. For example, if he tells me that he really likes my shirt, I will tease him and say, "So you don't really like my pants?".
I know, I'm such a girl.
Tonight, it centered around my looks. And I could hear myself saying bad things about myself to him just to get a reaction. But I couldn't seem to stop pushing the matter. Maybe I was looking for him to tease me back and flirt; maybe I was looking for a compliment. I really couldn't tell you.
Suddenly, he stopped me cold with, "How does God see you?"
I'm pretty sure my breath caught in my throat as the negative things I had been saying about myself - joking or not - hung in the air between us. Actual tears came to my eyes as I felt convicted because I know that the way I was picking myself apart is not what God does when He looks at me. He looks at me through eyes of grace and mercy. He looks at me with love. He looks at me and finds me beautiful, even when I feel far from it.
I hope to remember that moment when my husband corrected me the next time I feel the urge to say something bad about myself.
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On another, totally different, completely distinct, not even a little bit related note:
I made my first meal from Pinterest tonight.
And it was gooooooooooooooooooood.
I think the Crockpot will be my friend.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Walmart: M&G Part Two
One week after I first noticed Matt's attention toward me had changed, my sister and her boys (she only had two then) happened to be in town and came to church with me.
Obviously, I was interested to know her thoughts on the cute guy that I sang with. And her thoughts were? "You guys have GOT to stop flirting when you're on the stage."
As I was leaving church that day to go meet Kiki, Cort, and Lane for Sonic, I noticed Matt leaving right behind me. He walked behind me, talked some more, flirted some more. Then I got in my car and drove away. It was later that I found out that he was trying to get up the courage to ask for my phone number but chickened out.
Obviously, I was interested to know her thoughts on the cute guy that I sang with. And her thoughts were? "You guys have GOT to stop flirting when you're on the stage."
About a half hour later, as we were filling our bellies with Sonic, I received a text message on my phone from an unknown number which began an unconventional texting conversation. Long story short, Matt had hit up our mutual friend, Jeremy, for my phone number. Long story shorter, Matt asked me out for the next evening.
It was about this point in time that I started jumping up and down in my apartment (literally). My sweet nephews were looking at me like I was crazy!
But I didn't care. I had a date! With the cute guy from church! Ah, sweet bliss.
But I didn't care. I had a date! With the cute guy from church! Ah, sweet bliss.
For the next 29 hours or so, butterflies consumed my belly.
Since the next day was a Monday, I had to endure a day of work before our date. As I was telling my co-worker all the details of the "ask-out", I remember feeling a calmness overcome the butterflies for a moment and felt something inside me say, "Just relax and enjoy the journey".
That evening, Matt picked me up for dinner at HuHot (still our favorite). Three things I remember about that dinner: very deep conversation for a first date, wishing that noodles were easier to eat attractively, and talking about egg nog.
Talking about egg nog led to a momentous trek to Walmart. It was while we were at Walmart that everything truly clicked into place. We got away from all the seriousness of our dinner conversation and essentially became children. We raced through the parking lot, did cartwheels in the office chair aisle, and pressed all of the musical toys so they were all playing at once.
It was also at Walmart that Matt says he knew he was going to marry me. There was apparently a moment when he was telling a story as we were walking, and I turned around to walk backwards so that I could focus on him better.
It's the little things, I guess.
After Walmart, we went to Barnes and Noble to get coffee. After some conversation on the floor of the music section and a race through the store (who could be quickest to look up a word in the dictionary, of course), it was time to call it a night.
After four hours together, we knew we had something very special.
Matt walked me to my door and the last words he said to me that night were, "Be blessed! I know I was!"
And so it began.
Since the next day was a Monday, I had to endure a day of work before our date. As I was telling my co-worker all the details of the "ask-out", I remember feeling a calmness overcome the butterflies for a moment and felt something inside me say, "Just relax and enjoy the journey".
That evening, Matt picked me up for dinner at HuHot (still our favorite). Three things I remember about that dinner: very deep conversation for a first date, wishing that noodles were easier to eat attractively, and talking about egg nog.
Talking about egg nog led to a momentous trek to Walmart. It was while we were at Walmart that everything truly clicked into place. We got away from all the seriousness of our dinner conversation and essentially became children. We raced through the parking lot, did cartwheels in the office chair aisle, and pressed all of the musical toys so they were all playing at once.
It was also at Walmart that Matt says he knew he was going to marry me. There was apparently a moment when he was telling a story as we were walking, and I turned around to walk backwards so that I could focus on him better.
It's the little things, I guess.
After Walmart, we went to Barnes and Noble to get coffee. After some conversation on the floor of the music section and a race through the store (who could be quickest to look up a word in the dictionary, of course), it was time to call it a night.
After four hours together, we knew we had something very special.
Matt walked me to my door and the last words he said to me that night were, "Be blessed! I know I was!"
And so it began.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Groovy Pair?: M&G Part One
December is a month of looooooooooove. Not just because family is near and people are more generous of spirit, but because December always gets me thinking back to the beginning of me and Matt's relationship. December holds memories of our first date, first "I love you", first kiss, only wedding....
As Matt and I have been together for nearly 4 years and married for nearly 3, I thought that it would be an opportune time to share some of the details of how Matt and I made it to the matrimonial altar. Since I am a person of details with a sometimes elephant-esque memory.......this story will likely take several entries to tell!
The beginning...
In 2007, I was living in Conway, Arkansas, working as a nanny and helping out with Chi Alpha ministries. I would frequently speak on the phone with my best friend, Chanelle. It was, in fact, Chanelle who first told me about a man she knew that sang on the worship team at the new church that she and her husband were attending. She never shoved the idea of him down my throat by any means, but she would mention him every once in a while and how much she wanted me to hurry up and move back home because she wanted me to meet him. She thought we would be a groovy pair!
So move back home I eventually did. August 2007 found me moving back to Sioux Falls in order to attend graduate school at USD to get my masters in School Counseling.
My first Sunday back in Sioux Falls, I attended church with Chanelle and her family. Was my curiosity piqued about this so-called mystery man/worship leader? Yes. But I also knew several people at the church already that I was eager to see again, including my old friend, Jeremy. Jeremy and I had been friends since we met at church camp when we were 17 and 15, respectively.
Little did I know that Jeremy had been playing a bit of matchmaker as well. He and Matt had been living together for a couple of months and when he found out that I would be moving back home, he mentioned my existence to Matt and said that he thought we would be a groovy pair. Jeremy even showed Matt my MySpace page (hello, 2007!) and Matt's response? "Get her here, then!"
Alas, things were not exactly easy peasy lemon breezy from that point forward. I began attending the church where Matt helped to lead worship and yes, I thought he was cute. When I had been attending the church for a couple of weeks, the worship leader, Joe, came up to me and asked me if I sang. I told him that I did, but not amazingly. He had me "audition" for him and he pulled Matt in to sing with me. It was at this time that I found out that Matt was 2 years older than me. After having spent the last two years surrounded by college-aged guys who were younger than my college-graduated self, that was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, my interest was piqued even further.
However, that interest was halted when I realized that Matt had a girlfriend. Unfortunately for me, he had begun dating her a few weeks before I moved back home.
For the next few months, Matt's and my interactions were fairly basic. He was very friendly (is there anyone Matt isn't friendly to?) and every once in a while we would have a conversation that would reveal just how many diverse things we had in common. I remember one conversation in particular where we were quoting movie lines and knew exactly what the other one was talking about. But for the most part, we talked about "The Office" during downtime at church and we sang together. I never once felt like Matt was flirtatious with me when he was dating the other girl.
Which was why, on December 3rd, I could actually feel that his attitude toward me changed. All of a sudden, he got his flirt on. And all of a sudden, I found myself realizing that it had been quite awhile since I had seen his girlfriend...........
As Matt and I have been together for nearly 4 years and married for nearly 3, I thought that it would be an opportune time to share some of the details of how Matt and I made it to the matrimonial altar. Since I am a person of details with a sometimes elephant-esque memory.......this story will likely take several entries to tell!
The beginning...
In 2007, I was living in Conway, Arkansas, working as a nanny and helping out with Chi Alpha ministries. I would frequently speak on the phone with my best friend, Chanelle. It was, in fact, Chanelle who first told me about a man she knew that sang on the worship team at the new church that she and her husband were attending. She never shoved the idea of him down my throat by any means, but she would mention him every once in a while and how much she wanted me to hurry up and move back home because she wanted me to meet him. She thought we would be a groovy pair!
Me and my Arkansas sistas
So move back home I eventually did. August 2007 found me moving back to Sioux Falls in order to attend graduate school at USD to get my masters in School Counseling.
My first Sunday back in Sioux Falls, I attended church with Chanelle and her family. Was my curiosity piqued about this so-called mystery man/worship leader? Yes. But I also knew several people at the church already that I was eager to see again, including my old friend, Jeremy. Jeremy and I had been friends since we met at church camp when we were 17 and 15, respectively.
Little did I know that Jeremy had been playing a bit of matchmaker as well. He and Matt had been living together for a couple of months and when he found out that I would be moving back home, he mentioned my existence to Matt and said that he thought we would be a groovy pair. Jeremy even showed Matt my MySpace page (hello, 2007!) and Matt's response? "Get her here, then!"
Matt and Jeremy bonding over Dance Dance
Alas, things were not exactly easy peasy lemon breezy from that point forward. I began attending the church where Matt helped to lead worship and yes, I thought he was cute. When I had been attending the church for a couple of weeks, the worship leader, Joe, came up to me and asked me if I sang. I told him that I did, but not amazingly. He had me "audition" for him and he pulled Matt in to sing with me. It was at this time that I found out that Matt was 2 years older than me. After having spent the last two years surrounded by college-aged guys who were younger than my college-graduated self, that was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, my interest was piqued even further.
However, that interest was halted when I realized that Matt had a girlfriend. Unfortunately for me, he had begun dating her a few weeks before I moved back home.
For the next few months, Matt's and my interactions were fairly basic. He was very friendly (is there anyone Matt isn't friendly to?) and every once in a while we would have a conversation that would reveal just how many diverse things we had in common. I remember one conversation in particular where we were quoting movie lines and knew exactly what the other one was talking about. But for the most part, we talked about "The Office" during downtime at church and we sang together. I never once felt like Matt was flirtatious with me when he was dating the other girl.
Which was why, on December 3rd, I could actually feel that his attitude toward me changed. All of a sudden, he got his flirt on. And all of a sudden, I found myself realizing that it had been quite awhile since I had seen his girlfriend...........
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
I Said "Yes"
June 29, 2008. 3 years ago today, we were visiting Matt's family in Minnesota and it was an absolutely beautiful day from the moment the sun rose.
We went to church.
We ate Subway for lunch.
We took our Sunday afternoon nap and watched "Saved By the Bell".
We ate Jake's Pizza for dinner with his family.
All in all, it had been a wonderful day from top to bottom. But there was nothing super extraordinary about it - yet.
After pizza, Matt and I took a loooooong drive. I didn't know it, but Matt was trying to kill time waiting for the sun to go down (it was one of the longest days of the year). So we drove down country road after country road. He could have been driving me in circles for all I knew - you'd have to ask him, but I actually think he was! As we drove, we sang and harmonized together. Nerds, both of us.
Finally, as the clock was approaching 10 p.m., Matt deemed that it was dark enough out to carry out his plan. So we drove out to the house that his parents were building in the country, as his dad had called earlier and asked Matt if we could "pick up a notebook that he had left there".
We pulled down the long driveway and Matt says, "Let's hang out here for awhile and watch the fireflies. You're not in a hurry to get home, are you?" Ummmmm...................no, not so much.
So we sat on a bench overlooking the valley. There was no one around but us. The stars were slowly becoming brighter and the fireflies seemed to be multiplying every minute. It was beautiful. Matt put a cd on in his car and turned it up so we could hear the music.
The third song in, I recognized the chords immediately as one of my favorites: "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes.
We went to church.
We ate Subway for lunch.
We took our Sunday afternoon nap and watched "Saved By the Bell".
We ate Jake's Pizza for dinner with his family.
All in all, it had been a wonderful day from top to bottom. But there was nothing super extraordinary about it - yet.
After pizza, Matt and I took a loooooong drive. I didn't know it, but Matt was trying to kill time waiting for the sun to go down (it was one of the longest days of the year). So we drove down country road after country road. He could have been driving me in circles for all I knew - you'd have to ask him, but I actually think he was! As we drove, we sang and harmonized together. Nerds, both of us.
Finally, as the clock was approaching 10 p.m., Matt deemed that it was dark enough out to carry out his plan. So we drove out to the house that his parents were building in the country, as his dad had called earlier and asked Matt if we could "pick up a notebook that he had left there".
We pulled down the long driveway and Matt says, "Let's hang out here for awhile and watch the fireflies. You're not in a hurry to get home, are you?" Ummmmm...................no, not so much.
So we sat on a bench overlooking the valley. There was no one around but us. The stars were slowly becoming brighter and the fireflies seemed to be multiplying every minute. It was beautiful. Matt put a cd on in his car and turned it up so we could hear the music.
The third song in, I recognized the chords immediately as one of my favorites: "On a Night Like This" by Dave Barnes.
As soon as the lyrics started, the tree that we were sitting beneath lit up with white lights and Matt asked me to turn around. I obliged, and there written on the window behind us was this:
Notice it doesn't say Will You Marry Me? Rather it says, Will You Marry Me!
This is very Matt-appropriate :)
I turned back around to face Matt and he was off the bench and down on his knee before me. And he said simply, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"
I said yes.
And we danced under the stars.
As I laid in bed that night, I remember I couldn't fall asleep because I kept holding up my hand to look at my beautiful ring. In that one evening, so many of my prayers were answered. Matt and I had waited a long time for each other.
He says he knew he would marry me on our first date. We were walking through Walmart and I had turned around and walked backwards as he was talking so that I could better focus on him.
For me, the realization came a couple days later when we were talking on the phone. I said "MVEMJSUNP" and he immediately knew what I was talking about.
Clearly we were meant for one another :).
(the tree that lit up right before he proposed)
The last 3 years since that night have been filled with highs and lows and lots of everything in between.
And I would still say yes.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Romance
The thought of romance has been on my mind lately.
I think it is fairly safe to say that I have been...........interested in romance and love since I was a little girl. I remember getting "married" as a kindergartner to a few boys as a fun little game and wandering around the playground holding hands and stealing jackets as a means of flirting.
Although I only had 3 Ken dolls (one was an amputee, heaven help him) and about 15 Barbie dolls, my favorite dolls were always the ones who got the boyfriend. There was no Ken-boyfriend sharing at my house!
My favorite characters on tv shows were almost always the ones with a boyfriend (Kelly Kapowski, Topanga Lawrence, DJ Tanner, Kelly Taylor, Stacey McGill - give a big whoop if you know all of these!!)
On week nights, I used to lay in my bedroom listening to Delilah (a radio show all about love....is it still on???), recording love songs onto a menagerie of mix tapes.
In my young adult life, I filled my quote book with love poems, quotes, and lyrics that heralded romance.
Many of my favorite movies and songs are still about love.
I have always been fascinated with love. Big sigh.
Perhaps then, because of my romantic naiveness, God found it good to have me wait years before blessing me with my husband and a pretty fantastic love story.
For a person so entranced by the idea of love, its a bit ironic that I had never actually been in it until I met Matt. Matt knew how to woo. He gave good woo.
He wrote me lengthy letters pouring his heart out about why he loved me. He surprised me with flowers and gifts. He planned romantic and creative dates. He wrote songs about me. He took me ice-skating for goodness sakes. Twice.
Now that we have been married 2 1/2 years, the romance has changed a bit. Let's just say that it has been awhile since I have gotten a lengthy letter detailing his love for me!!
Instead, I get a front row seat to see him living it out for me every day.
We did a couples devotional about a week ago that asked us to specify how the other shows his/her love for us. And when it was my turn to share, I didn't say a single thing about flowers or love letters or ice-skating. Instead, I said.....
He changes dirty diapers.
He holds me when I am anxious and overwhelmed.
He still sends me daily text messages to let me know he is thinking of me.
He rubbed my feet when I was 9 months pregnant and swollen to the size of a human blueberry (ala Violet Beauregarde).......AND still called me beautiful.
He lets me speak my mind without judgment.
He spends his spring break to travel 12 hours to see my family for a week.
He shares his dreams with me.
He encourages and believes in me when I don't believe in myself.
He makes me laugh.
He prays for me. He prays with me.
Now that we have our sweet, amazing baby boy, our love story has evolved again. But from what I can tell.........it is only getting better.
So all of that to say that my idea of love and romance has definitely changed over time.
What was once idyllic and obscure.......is now tangible and real.
Sooooooooooooooooooo..................worth the wait :).
Lastly, here are a couple songs that I have been listening to on repeat this last week that reflect my current idea of romance more than any boy band song ever could (still love those boy bands though!)
Rosie Thomas "Guess It May" - shout out to the "Lost" montage!!!
Sam and Ruby "The Here and the Now"
I think it is fairly safe to say that I have been...........interested in romance and love since I was a little girl. I remember getting "married" as a kindergartner to a few boys as a fun little game and wandering around the playground holding hands and stealing jackets as a means of flirting.
Although I only had 3 Ken dolls (one was an amputee, heaven help him) and about 15 Barbie dolls, my favorite dolls were always the ones who got the boyfriend. There was no Ken-boyfriend sharing at my house!
My favorite characters on tv shows were almost always the ones with a boyfriend (Kelly Kapowski, Topanga Lawrence, DJ Tanner, Kelly Taylor, Stacey McGill - give a big whoop if you know all of these!!)
On week nights, I used to lay in my bedroom listening to Delilah (a radio show all about love....is it still on???), recording love songs onto a menagerie of mix tapes.
In my young adult life, I filled my quote book with love poems, quotes, and lyrics that heralded romance.
Many of my favorite movies and songs are still about love.
I have always been fascinated with love. Big sigh.
Perhaps then, because of my romantic naiveness, God found it good to have me wait years before blessing me with my husband and a pretty fantastic love story.
For a person so entranced by the idea of love, its a bit ironic that I had never actually been in it until I met Matt. Matt knew how to woo. He gave good woo.
He wrote me lengthy letters pouring his heart out about why he loved me. He surprised me with flowers and gifts. He planned romantic and creative dates. He wrote songs about me. He took me ice-skating for goodness sakes. Twice.
Now that we have been married 2 1/2 years, the romance has changed a bit. Let's just say that it has been awhile since I have gotten a lengthy letter detailing his love for me!!
Instead, I get a front row seat to see him living it out for me every day.
We did a couples devotional about a week ago that asked us to specify how the other shows his/her love for us. And when it was my turn to share, I didn't say a single thing about flowers or love letters or ice-skating. Instead, I said.....
He changes dirty diapers.
He holds me when I am anxious and overwhelmed.
He still sends me daily text messages to let me know he is thinking of me.
He rubbed my feet when I was 9 months pregnant and swollen to the size of a human blueberry (ala Violet Beauregarde).......AND still called me beautiful.
He lets me speak my mind without judgment.
He spends his spring break to travel 12 hours to see my family for a week.
He shares his dreams with me.
He encourages and believes in me when I don't believe in myself.
He makes me laugh.
He prays for me. He prays with me.
Now that we have our sweet, amazing baby boy, our love story has evolved again. But from what I can tell.........it is only getting better.
So all of that to say that my idea of love and romance has definitely changed over time.
What was once idyllic and obscure.......is now tangible and real.
Sooooooooooooooooooo..................worth the wait :).
Lastly, here are a couple songs that I have been listening to on repeat this last week that reflect my current idea of romance more than any boy band song ever could (still love those boy bands though!)
Rosie Thomas "Guess It May" - shout out to the "Lost" montage!!!
Sam and Ruby "The Here and the Now"
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