No Mo Mean Girls

Girls. Girls can be so tough, so hard on each other.

When I was in elementary school, I was a part of a mean girls clique. It was a group of 8-9 girls; some days you were "in" and some days you were "out". Power plays and manipulation were the name of the game and it was always a passive aggressive battle to not be the lowest girl on the totem pole. The lowest girl sat alone while the others talked about her. The lowest girl played by herself at recess, just praying that the others would include her. The lowest girl went home at the end of the day with a pit in her stomach. 

It was miserable. Even when you were at the top or middle of the group, it was miserable. 

I was so insecure in these 'friendships' that when I arrived at my very first day of middle school, I walked right past a group of them as they congregated near the building's front door. Since they were all already together, I was petrified that I was on the "outs" with them, so I walked right on by my best friends. 

For a shy, timid, and nervous 11 year old girl, there isn't much more intimidating than a group of mean girls. 

Save for one more bad experience, I was extremely blessed to go on to find good female friendships. I found the absolute best friends of my life in high school and college and after, one in particular who is more like a sister to me than just a friend.

These ladies renewed my faith in girls. They showed me grace and beauty and kindness. They showed me relationship. 

Granted, I still met girls who seriously intimidated me. 

Usually, the girls who intimated me were unusually beautiful, or exceptionally talented, or unflinchingly confident. I always felt like they had something that I didn't. 

I remember one time in particular, I was on a missions trip and was grouped together with this gorgeous girl who was a few years younger than me. My first instinct was to turn away from her. She hadn't done a single thing to me, yet I wanted to shun her. For nothing. 

Fortunately, wisdom prevailed. I felt something in my spirit beckon me to befriend her, to pursue relationship. I am so thankful that I listened to that voice because she became the person I was closest to on the trip, almost like a little sister. 

She was still amazingly beautiful, but I came to know so much more about her by moving towards her, rather than away from her. I gained a lovely friendship by kicking intimidation in the shins. 

Sometimes, I still have to kick intimidation in the shins. Women make the most incredible friends, but honestly? They can also still terrify me sometimes. 

Other women are so beautiful, kind, caring. They are impeccable mothers and generous wives. They have talent seeping from their pores and God delights in using those talents. 

It is amazing to see!

But sometimes, when we view other women from a distance, intimidation can loom large. When that distance is crossed and the mountains of intimidation are conquered, relationship blossoms. 

I meet with an excellent group of young women on Wednesday evenings. I love these times together because each one of these women are so different and unique. They are sensitive and tough. They are honest and kind. They are beautiful and they are merciful enough to laugh at my lame jokes. 

I have been amazed over the last few weeks to see how God is forging friendships between these women who are each so different. I feel privileged and thankful to be a part of it.

It all makes me excited, quite honestly! There is something here:

Something important, something Biblical, something beautiful.

This all stirs passion in me, and I have been studying it. Here's what I have found.

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out - in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day." Galatians 5:13-20

There is freedom here - true freedom! No more chains binding us with envy or insecurity. When we reach out to other women in kindness and love, we are doing our part to break down the walls that rise between us when we size each other up and compare ourselves against each other.


"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original." Galatians 5:25-26

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way that God intends for us to live. It is no secret that women often compare themselves to other women, and relationships can already be so fragile. But when we spend time building each other up rather than critiquing or criticizing or comparing, those relational bonds get stronger and God gets the glory. This is the good way.

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." Galatians 6:4-5

It was kind of crazy to me when I began to study this topic, just how often the Bible instructs to not compare ourselves with others. When Paul wrote these instructions, he knew what a minefield comparison can be. When we compare, there are two end results: it makes us feel better about ourselves because we see how much better we have it than another, or it makes us envious that another has so much more.

"So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." Romans 12:6

Are either of these results really how we want to be? Prideful. Envious. Two sides of one coin. "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be"!!!

"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." Romans 12:9-10

How do we not compare? By doing those things. Be authentic. Do good. Love deeply. Put others first.

"So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I'd say it leaves you looking pretty silly - or worse. Eventually, we're all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren't going to improve your position one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture: 'As I live and breath,' God says, 'every knee will bow before me; Every tongue will tell the honest truth that I and only I am God.' So tend to your knitting. You've got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God." Romans 14:10-12

This is a beautiful reminder that we are all on the same side. When we waste time looking at others, it is ultimately attention that we are not giving God. Ladies, look at God! Isn't He amazing?! Doesn't He deserve our whole attention?!

Yes. Yes, He does.

"God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in you stomach for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: please the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you. So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." Romans 14:17-19

When you see another woman looking lovely, by all means TELL HER!
When you see a gifting on a woman's life, don't envy it but BLESS IT! God's got you, friend. He will NOT hold out on you.
When you see someone you think is an excellent mother or wife, SPEAK IT! She may not hear it that often and you could have just given her a gift of renewed purpose.

Our words are so powerful. How will other women know we think they are amazing, if we don't tell them?!?!

"I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, 'I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body,' would that make it so? If Ear said, 'I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head,' would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of." 1 Corinthians 12:14-20

This is really what it all comes down to, isn't it? We all want to be significant. We all want to matter.

God knows that. He isn't blind to our battle for significance.

But that's the beautiful thing about God's sovereignty. He knows how much we can handle. He knows what gifts to bless us with in order to reach those who need them. He also knows when not to gift when it may cause pride and pull you away from Him who really matters.

It all truly comes down to a matter of trusting God. Do we trust that He loves us (John 3:16)? Do we trust that He wants to give us good things (Psalm 84:11)? Do we trust that He is good (Psalm 100:5)? Do we trust that He works all things for good (Romans 8:28)? Do we trust that He has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)?

He is absolutely trustworthy, but do you trust Him?

Then throw your energy into loving and encouraging, building up people and tearing down walls.

After all, if we have not love, we have nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2).

Kindred Spirits

I've been delving back into my Anne of Green Gables books again recently. Sometimes I feel like a child again when I read them and I think maybe that is what draws me in time and time again.

I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).

I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.

One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".

In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.

Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"

Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.

I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.

Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."

I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.

I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.

I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.

To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.

So..........you know...............thanks.

Mighty Mountains

I've been on two mountains in my entire life.

I heard a sermon recently that brought me back to both of them.

In the sermon, the pastor told a story about the Swiss Alps. Apparently, large groups of people can climb the Swiss Alps together. There is a chalet of sorts that meets them at the halfway point. The chalet is filled with all things comfortable: warmth, resting places, food and drink. The chalet is so stinkin' comfortable, that on average, about 25% of the group members choose not to proceed to the top of the Alps. They are satisfied with how far they have come, and the comfort has drawn them in and beckoned them to stay.

For awhile, they are content with their decision. But then, while they gaze through binoculars at their fellow group members who are high-fiving at the summit, regret begins to creep in. The realization hits that they have sacrificed their goal for a relatively cheap comfort.

As the group reunites and reaches their collective starting point, it is clear to see by the brightness of their countenance those who reached the summit and those who tarried by comfort's side.

The reason this story struck a chord with me is because it flat out convicted me.

Like I mentioned earlier, I have been on two mountains in my entire life.



The first one was Flat Top, located in Anchorage. Flat Top, true to its name, has a - wait for it - flat top. In the spring and summer months, once the snow has melted away, it is possible to hike all the way to the top without gear.





One day when my mom and stepdad had recently moved there and my brother and I were home for the summer, the four of us decided to "go on a little hike". Or so I thought.

It wasn't long into the "hike" when I realized - I was not cut out for that business. I muttered, I sputtered, I thought constantly of turning around. As we inched our way past tiny pathways and steep climbs, I agonized.

However, to those that I was with, turning around was not an option. They marched forward and by right of my own pride, I followed. It was one of the toughest things, physically, that I have ever done.







But when the four of us sat atop the summit and gazed victoriously over Anchorage, the sense of accomplishment was surreal. My legs might still have shaken the whole way back down and then been sore for days afterwards, but that couldn't take away from the fact that I had done it. I had done it when I literally thought over and over and over that there was no way I could.



The second mountain that I found myself on was Table Mountain in Cape Town, South Africa. Renowned for its beauty, Table Mountain offers one of the most beautiful views in the world. The higher up you go, the more rewarding the beauty you behold.

There was a whole crew of us visiting Table Mountain, enjoying a day of rest in the midst of a missions trip. You can get about halfway up Table Mountain by hiking or driving, but in order to get to the summit, you have to take a cable car. In order to take the cable car, you have to pay about $10.

Not really that steep of a cost to see such an amazing view.

However, on this particular day, I was tired. I was tired AND I felt poor. I was tired and I felt poor AND I had friends with me that also weren't really desiring to pay the price and take the ride.

About 5 of us opted out that day in order to head back to our hostel and unwind with a good book. At the time it felt like the right decision. But about the time I started seeing everyone else's photos of that day, the regret started to seep in. This is what I missed that day:

 

When I think back about the two mountains that I have been on, I look back on one with joy and a victorious feeling; I look back on the other with regret because I know that I took the easy and comfortable way out.

There are few guarantees in life, but it is almost certain that we will all face metaphorical mountains at various times.

I know I've faced a few.

Comparing my experiences on these two remarkable mountains and applying them to the metaphorical mountains, I see several real life applications.

1. When climbing a mountain - especially one you are unprepared for - it is detrimental to have others alongside you spurring you on. At times, they may need to simply encourage; at other times, they may have to inspire you by climbing themselves. At the worst times, they may need to literally push your butt up the mountain. They are essential to success. 

2. Don't allow a mediocre cost prevent you from a magnificent view. 

3. Comfort is a deceiving distraction from reaching the summit. Do not allow the allure of a cozy lodge or a good book at the hostel sway your goal to climb the mountain. Do the work and stay focused, because there are some regrets for which you won't get a second chance. 

Mountains - realistically and figuratively - are exhausting, gut-wrenching, and testing.

But I understand that the view is more than worth all that trouble.

Galentine's Day

Galentine's Day Gifts

It is Galentine's Day today! For those who don't watch "Parks and Rec", it is the day before Valentine's Day that is set aside to celebrate the female friendships that help to keep one sane :).

It hit me as I was trying to process my birthday retrospectively, that one of the reasons that I was so disappointed was because it was all a verification of a gnawing sense of loneliness that I had been feeling lately.

Since I like to evaluate and psychoanalyze every single emotion that I have, I started picking apart why I was "all of a sudden"............lonely. Without going into too many gritty details, I think that it ultimately comes down to the fact that I have spent the last few years investing heavily into my relationship with Matt and, this last year, Finn. My whole life circled around my boys. It was wonderful. And I don't regret a single moment; I truly believe that is what God wanted me to be doing.

But I believe that I am now coming to the surface a little bit and realizing that I have fallen short when it comes to my sustaining my friendships. My strongest friendships are still strong. My friends are still my friends. But there is a longing for female relationship in me that has not been met over the last couple of years.

During this past week, I have reflected a bit on times in my past when I have felt lonely like this. Two times spring to mind: Alaska and Arkansas.

When I spent a semester in Alaska, separated from my college support system and longing for friendship. And when I moved down to Arkansas and had to start over entirely.

I look back at those times, and while they were extremely difficult at the time to go through and I spent more than one night crying into my pillow, in retrospection I can see the amazing things that God brought out of those lonely times. And He didn't leave me lonely for long.

Therefore, although I feel pangs of loneliness now, I am believing fully that God will bring good out of it.

So this day, this Galentine's Day, I am celebrating the female relationships in my life that I am grateful for. And I am eager with expectation for what God will bring forth from this season!