Inconvenient Interruptions

Oh my little bloggy blog, how I have missed you!

Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)

However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.

I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.

But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.

Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.

I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.

I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.

I begin to angry clean my kitchen.

"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"

My emotions were running away like a freight train.

Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.

Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.

I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"

My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.

A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.

Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?

30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.

It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.

I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.

It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.

Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.

God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.

God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.

Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.

When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.