To the Woman Who is Afraid to Ask for Big Things

To the Woman Who is Afraid to Ask for Big Things,

Maybe it's healing. Maybe it's a relational issue. Maybe it's a financial miracle.

I understand. I've been there too, hesitant and timid. I know what it is like to wait and wait and wait some more, refusing to ask because I was not sure that what I wanted would ever happen for me.

I also know what is it is like to be so incredibly sick of waiting that I would try to seize control for myself, most often with disastrous results.

All the while, I was refusing to ask for what I really wanted.

So I would endlessly wait. And I would needlessly control.

It felt safer than asking. It felt easier. I could handle waiting and I could handle pseudo-control, but there were many reasons that I felt I could not ask God for a miraculous movement.

At various times:
I have felt invisible and unseen by God and man.
I have felt like I don't have anything to offer in return.
I have felt like my request would probably just get rejected anyway, because rejection was the norm.
I have felt let down and disappointed by God.
I have felt like too much and yet not enough at the same time.
I have felt afraid to draw attention to myself.
I have felt bound.

If you're afraid to ask for big things from God, perhaps you identify with one or more of those reasons? I wonder if you were reading those through and one of them shot through your heart like an arrow?

Ugh, my friend, I understand. The frustration and the anxiety and the tension, I get it. I wish I could see you face to face and laser shoot hope from my eyes to yours. I'm not very touchy feely, but I wish I could give you a hug and before I let you go I would shake you a little in order to snap you out of it.

I wish I could tell you to your face that even when it feels impossible or improbable or a total waste of time, I greatly encourage you to ask.

Can I tell you why?

The Bible is full of women who were afraid to ask much of Jesus. And yet they received what they really needed. 

* If you feel invisible and unseen, I would point out the Canaanite woman in Matthew 15:21-28.
She was pointedly ignored by Jesus, but a fighter spirit arose within her and she debated with the Son of God. This did not annoy Jesus but impressed him: "Woman, your faith is great. Let it be done for you as you want." (v28). Please know that God is the The God Who Sees (Genesis 16:11-15). When you feel pushed aside and unimportant, He sees you and He knows you. He loves you.

*If you feel like you have nothing to offer, I would direct you to the poor widow in Luke 21:1-4.
She did not have much, but what she did have was highly honored. What you have may not have high esteem with man, but when it is surrendered to Jesus, it can be multiplied and empowered beyond anything you could dream. You just have to bring what's in your hand.

*If you expect rejection, I would show you the woman at the well in John 4:4-26.
In cultural terms, Jesus surely shouldn't have bothered with her, as they had opposing religious backgrounds. In social terms, a great rabbi should not concern himself with a woman with questionable morals. Even Christ's disciples wondered why he was speaking with her. But he engaged her and pursued conversation and invited her despite every reason not to. God doesn't see all the reasons not to bother with you. He looks at you and sees possibility.

*If you've felt let down by Jesus before, I would ask you to read about Mary and Martha in John 11:17-43.
These women were close friends with Jesus. They trusted him and expected great things from him. But he didn't move the way they expected. He moved in a way that caused them great grief and pain. They had no way to know how miraculously God was about to move, but in order to do so, he needed to allow the wounding first. He still heard their cry and he still moved in their pain, but it had to be in a way that would more greatly display his power.

*If you are afraid to draw attention to yourself, I would direct you to the sick woman in Luke 8:42-49.
She desperately needed a divine touch, but was lost in crowd. She knew if she could just get close enough to him, that healing was available. She had great expectation for what he could do, but had little opportunity to ask for it. This woman had struggled for years with an ailment that isolated her. She was used to managing on her own, and when she had put her faith in others they had fallen woefully short of the help they promised. Yet when she reached out to Jesus, she was healed. Not only was she healed, she also found belonging, as the Son of God called her "Daughter."

*If you feel bound, I would want you to read about the crippled woman in Luke 13:10-17.
She was bound so severely that she stood out in the crowd. She was different, her daily life drastically affected and setting her apart. Jesus recognized what was keeping her crippled. He called it out and untied her from her bondage in a moment. The text doesn't even say that this woman showed up to hear Jesus teach that day. We don't know if she even knew who he was. He healed her because he desired freedom for her. He used a woman cast aside and discarded to display his glory.

*Lastly, if you feel like too much yet not enough, you are my soul sister. I have felt that way for so much of my life. I would beg you to read about the sinful woman who anoints Jesus in Luke 7:36-46.
This woman comes to Jesus broken and ashamed. She knows the gravity of her sins and how they have weighed her down. She knows how short she has fallen. But she trusts that Jesus does what he said he could do. Forgive. As she weeps at his feet, the exhibition of her adoration baffles the others in the room. She's too much for them, and they don't understand why Jesus is even letting her touch him. In his marvelous mercy, he defends and protects this woman. In the presence of many, he forgives her and sends her in peace, honoring how much she loved him. The woman who was not enough yet too much had just ministered to the Son of God. What she could not do for herself, she allowed God to do for her when she had a revelation of His goodness and mercy.

Each of these women, ignored, poor, rejected, let down, broken, crippled, sinners.

The one thing they all have in common is that they needed something from Jesus. They asked in a variety of ways, and they received in a variety of ways.

But indeed they received exactly what they needed, because they came to the One "who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us" (Ephesians 3:20).

I am slowly learning that when I neglect to ask God for big things, I rob Him of the opportunity to be glorified. The only reason any of us are even here on earth is to give Him glory.

So to the woman who hesitates to ask of God, please learn from my mistakes. I encourage you: don't let prayer be your last resort. Allow prayer to be the very first step you take in your time of need.

Speak. Ask. Expect.

Give God the invitation into your situation and watch Him change the unchangeable in your life.

You can't be so invisible, that He doesn't see you.
You can't be so poor, that He can't use you.
You can't feel so rejected, that He doesn't love you enough for 1,000 who didn't.
You can't be so disappointed, that he won't redeem the situation.
You can't be so timid, that He doesn't know exactly what you need.
You can't be so bound, that He cannot absolutely free you.
You can't be too much for Him, that He doesn't delight in your love.

Love's Learning Curve (Happy 7 years, Shoog!)

Matt and I mark 7 years of marriage this weekend!!! In so many ways, that feels impossible. Like, 4 years, maybe. But, 7??? When did that happen??

He's my best friend. He doesn't make me feel crazy for all my emotions and feelings. He makes me laugh and we are total nerds together. He buys me sweet treats all the time to show me he's thinking of me. I have to believe that he does not do this to fatten me up so I'll never leave, much like the witch did to Hansel and Gretal.

He loves me very well.

My hope at this 7 year mark is that I show him my love half as well as he shows me his.

Because you see, I had to learn how to love him well.

I learned early on that feelings didn't take me very far.

As human beings and reflections of God, love is our foundational language. And while the feeling of love comes very naturally and fluently to us, the action of love is all together different.

The feeling of love stays inside of me and is selfishly serving. I am the only one that benefits from that feeling.
The action of love is what is external and thereby serves the other person.
The feeling of love is easy and makes us feel inspired and valuable.
The action of love can be grueling and breaks down every part of our selfish nature.

It took awhile to realize that Matt does not benefit from my feeling love for him, but only from the action I show him.

This means cleaning up the bathtub toys on Saturday nights because he wakes up so early and it is one less thing for him to do on Sunday mornings.
This means not retreating to pout when we argue or my feelings get hurt, but doing the hard work of communicating.
This means affirming him as a husband and father often, because I know how much encouragement means to him.

These are a few of a hundred examples I could give.

There is a learning curve when it comes to love.

When Ezra first joined our family, our older boys were completely enamored by him. They clearly loved him and wanted to show it. But they had to be taught how to love him well.

Finn wanted to hold him all the time, but first he had to learn how to do that. If he never learned how to properly hold Ezra, then chances are that he would one day accidentally hurt him. He had to learn to cradle and support his head, to be gentle, and to not impatiently push him away when he was done holding him.

Jonas was a bit different. He didn't give Ezra as much attention and would easily forget about his presence (babies DO sleep A LOT). But then when he would see him again and his eyes would light up. He would say, "Aww, Ez-a!!" and want to touch his face and pull his hands. He had to learn that those kind of touches are not pleasant for Ezra, and that it is most loving to touch the top of his head. He also had to learn that laying on top of Ezra is not the best way to show his love as it could potentially suffocate (!!!) what he is trying ignorantly to love.

It's not too different when we as adults are in relationship with each other. We have to learn that pushing and suffocating have no place when it comes to truly showing love to another. When we learn how to love others, it is learning the hard lesson that we best love others when we do what is best for them. We deprogram all those selfish, striving efforts to make ourselves feel comfortable, and lift up the other person through our actions.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is our Biblical teaching on love, instructing us how to love each other well:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

I have to think that God inspired Paul to write those words because He knew how badly we needed instruction on how to love others well. We are innately selfish and have to learn how to put others first. I can't help but notice that each thing in that passage that we are told to do distinctly puts others ahead of ourselves. It isn't something that comes naturally but only with much practice.

After 7 years of marriage, I hope that I am only getting better and better at honoring Matt above myself. Not because he always deserves it, nor because I always feel it, but simply because I love him. The feeling of love I feel for Matt is all mine and I surely do enjoy it. But the actions I take each and every day are how Matt will know my love, and that is all for him.

Sometimes love is felt and sometimes love is chosen, but to be true it should always be shown.

On Rejection

For years and years and years, as long as I can remember really, I have had this insecurity complex where I brace to be rejected. I had this feeling that unless someone explicitly shows they like me, they probably don't.

If someone didn't specifically tell me I was doing a good job, I assumed I wasn't meeting their expectations or was letting them down.

Even further, if someone actually rejected me, even jokingly, I took it hard.

I cowered in the face of rejection.

Please like me. Please, please like me.

At times this has led me to extreme perfectionism. Because you can't get hurt if you do it best, right?At times it has led me to extreme apathy. Because you can't fail if you don't even try, right?

I don't know if I even really realized this about myself until the last year or so. I just thought I was super sensitive. I was going through some really personal battles, and by praying and studying and listening, I discovered a deep root of rejection in my life.

As has been typical since I became a mother, I have recently become privy to how rejection affects me in my most important role of being a mother. We bring our baggage everywhere, especially into parenthood.

My relationships with my two sweet boys are pretty different. From the time Finn was born, I absolutely loved him. I couldn't wait until the moments when he got older and would cry when I left. I stated on numerous occasions that I wanted to be his #1 person; I was his mommy after all. But Finn didn't show his love for me in the way for which I was longing. He was typically happy to leave my side, especially if he was staying with one of his grandmas. He lit up whenever Matt walked into the room, but not usually when I would. He was used to me. I think he maybe cried once when I dropped him off at nursery, but otherwise he was like, "See ya, mommy! I'ma gonna play!"

Because he didn't show his love for me in the way that I was expecting/hoping, the slightest feeling of rejection from him rocked me. I didn't feel loved, and what kind of mother isn't loved by her own child??? When he would openly prefer someone else, I would feel humiliated. The first time he said he didn't like me upon being disciplined, I shattered. When I would go to pick him up and he would cry to stay where he was, I would bite my lip and try to wait until I got to the car to cry. I felt unloved and unwanted, by my child. Children are supposed to fill our love holes....right?

It's tough acknowledging my frailty in these memories. It's tough to document.

On the other hand, Jonas has always preferred me. Even as a newborn, he clearly wanted me more than anyone else. He lights up when he sees me and looks for me before anyone else. He bawls when I drop him off at the nursery. He always, always comes to me when he gets hurt and needs comfort. He loves me the way I always expected my child would.

But.

A few weeks ago, Matt's mom watched the boys while Matt and I helped with the women's conference at our church. It wasn't until last week, however, that I saw a note hanging on the fridge:

My heart lit up. "He thinks that about me?! Wow!" I had no clue that Finn felt that way about me. It touched my heart more than I can really express. It may seem small, but that kind of indicates how much I needed to hear something positive. I feel like a failure much of the time.

When I mother from a place of rejection, or trying not to feel rejected, it doesn't inspire affection in my children. My kids are going to show they love me by their own unique personalities. Jonas is social and effusive - ask anyone. Finn is shy at first and then blossoms.

It is impossible to compare the two - each so different, each so special.

I truly believe that both of my boys love me and look to me as their safe place, they just show it in different ways. It's taken awhile to get there, but get there I did. I am learning to operate from a place of believing that I am loved.

When I mother from a place of knowing, truly knowing, that I am loved, it frees me up. I don't need to try to earn their love, because it's all mine already. I don't need to prove myself worthy as a mother; God has made me a mother, therefore I am anointed to be a mother. I am still learning confidence in mothering, but I can say this - the more confident I am, the more confident, secure, and stable my boys are. I've seen it.

Entering our relationships from a place of insecurity always leads us down a road where nothing will ever be good enough. No affirmative word will last long enough. No quality time will be perfect enough. No gift will be thoughtful enough.

I remember when Matt and I were dating and I felt insecure in our relationship, afraid of being rejected. I couldn't wait to have a ring on my finger to prove to others (and myself) that this wonderful man really did want me. But then as soon as we were engaged, I started counting down the days until we were married. Because you see, if it was legal, then there was no getting out it for him!!

It was three months into our marriage when I started getting hit hard with insomnia and anxiety. Looking back, I know that a big part of the anxiety for me was - once again - fearing that he wouldn't want me anymore if I fell apart on him. Well, fall apart I did. And yet - he still wanted me. He still pursued my broken heart. He was steady in all of my unsteadiness.

That year taught me that Matt can see me at my lowest.....and still love me. Because of that year, I know that Matt will stick with me through it all. My insecurity in our relationship slowly dissipated. I was no longer waiting to be rejected.

When I relate to others from a place of brokenness, it only begets more brokenness. It breeds insecurity and jealousy and striving for my selfish ambitions. I constantly try to protect myself.

WONDROUS NEWS!!!! I can relate to them from the place of fullness that Christ offers me -  I do not need them to fill me because, honey, I'm full. Let me pour out. I can know that I'm not enough on my own but I'm enough in Jesus. Let me be available when you need me, I can be there.

This is when I have the joy to do the tough task set before me. I have peace that I am doing a good job and don't need nearly as much outward approval.


1 John 3:18-22 :"My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what please him." MSG

Harmony

Harmony can be defined in multiple ways:
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"

Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.

One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.

But it all started with the music. And the worship.

From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).

I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.

When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.

I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.

Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.

There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.

When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.

I love seeing him shine.

Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.

Two voices, one lovely strain.

When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.

"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15

When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.

In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.

And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.

Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.

Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.

But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.

Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1

Unsafe Relationship

When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.

I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.

He was too friendly and nice to everybody.

I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

He was also too good-looking.

I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.

So what does God do?

He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.

I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.

He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.

He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.

Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.

Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......

Yeah, this was like that.

The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.

I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.

God wanted to give me more than just enough. 

I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never  had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.

God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.

I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.

God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability. 

I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.

Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."

As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.

Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."

Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.

God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.

Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.

My cup overflows.

Worth the Wait

I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.

I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.

Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.

When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!

But God loves surprises.

I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.

Because I was obedient, I was blessed.

Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.

I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.

Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.

But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.

I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."


After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far. 


Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?


Maybe. 


But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special. 


I still see the man that I know God meant for me. 


I still know that I am crazy blessed. 


It was worth the wait. 

Creeper Mom

One of the 9,756,283 things that I love about my son is how I can stare at him when he is in my arms, or when we are just in close proximity to each other, and he could care less.

He doesn't try to push my face away. He doesn't avert his own face. He doesn't even blush with the rush of attention that is upon him.

Therefore, I can gaze at him lovingly all I want. And I do. I'm such a creeper.

And today as I am doing this and already dreading the day when he pushes me away (because let's be honest, it will come), I start thinking about what it is that makes us desire to push a look of love away.

It is a part of growing older. It is a rising self-consciousness. It is a heightened awareness of what is unfolding around us at any given point in time.

My favorite grad school professor said once that he loved it when his kids started saying the word "No!" because it showed that they were developing their own identity and stepping into it.

I wonder if pushing those loving looks away is a part of stepping into our own identity.

We all want our personal space after all. What's mine is MINE!

What I start to wonder though is what would happen if we surrendered that personal space to our Heavenly Father?

What if we didn't need to keep a protective bubble around ourselves?

What if we could just allow Him near and let Him lovingly gaze at us?

What if trying so hard to fight to be ourselves, we enter into being His and know that that's enough?

I think it would be easier to attain that "faith like a child" that Jesus talks about in Luke 18:17.
I think it would be easier to trust Him and His everlasting, powerful, abiding love for us.
I think it would be easier to hear His heartbeat as we allow Him near.

Yeah. That sounds good to me.

Love Languages

I have heard it said before that we tend to give out love the way that we like to receive it. 

For those who feel loved when being held or touched, they hold and touch. 

For those who feel loved when encouraged and affirmed, they encourage and affirm. 

For those who feel loved when things are done for them in service, they serve. 

For those who feel loved when spending quality time together, they give quality time. 

For those who feel loved with gifts, they give gifts. 

I have found this to be true in my own life, most definitely. 

I recognize it by the way that I feel when someone is speaking my love language. I feel valued, cherished, thought of. I feel more than loved; I feel known. 

Matt and I speak different love languages. It has taken some time to learn just how much he appreciates it when I bring him a gift to show him that I have been thinking of him while I was shopping at Target. When I make the gift an energy drink, I get to watch his face light up like an 8 year old. 

To me, I do enjoy when he thinks of me and gets me a gift at Target. 

But when he gives me words of affirmation and tells me how he loves me and why he loves me?

Overwhelmed.

Bowled over.

Tears.

Joy.

While it is good for me to know under what circumstances that I feel the most loved and best receive love, I can't just leave it at that. I need to be cognizant of the love that I give out as well. 

This is how I am working on it:

I have said on this blog before that I am a shy and timid person. In fact, it is in my "About Me" section that I hate small talk. 

While that isn't a lie by any means, I am beginning to realize that sometimes if I speak something enough over my life, I just might start to fully believe it. 

Because there is a need in me to be pursued, I can have a difficult time beginning conversations - going up to someone cold turkey and breaking the ice. 

Being the youngest child, I grew up having a lot of others do the talking for me. My best friend is a genius conversation holder. My husband could talk to a wall if he really wanted to. I am used to others carrying the conversation while I sit back and observe.

The truth is, I can be shy. However, when the need has called for it, I have risen to be an excellent talker and relationship pursuer.  

What I have begun to realize is that I can't always wait for others to make the first step.

How tragic it would be if someone went untalked to, or felt unloved, because it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I guess I just don't feel like I can really take that risk anymore. 

I have been called to love. Loving means loving the other person in the way that they can best receive it.......which may not always be my natural way of giving love. 

In this way, love means being uncomfortable. 

I have finally gotten comfortable with that. 

Valentiney Ooey Gooey Love

My first real Valentine's Day was the first one that Matt and I spent together in 2008. It was a doosey, too.

He got me flowers, several gifts - all wrapped with white tissue paper and colored with red marker - and he sang me a song he had written for me. We had a heart shaped pizza from Pizza Hut and watched "Across the Universe".

It was delightful - everything that I had longed for while I was waiting and single. Since then, Valentine's Days have still been special. This year was no different; thanks to a couple from church, Matt and I were able to go out for a nice dinner at Spezia's and thanks to my mom for the free baby-sitting, we were able to have a focused conversation without pausing to tear food apart or disinfect surfaces. Best of all, Matt's gift to me was tickets to a Dave Barnes (my FAVORITE!!!) concert in Minneapolis. So, not only will I get Dave Barnes, I will also get Chipotle, good shopping, and time alone with my husband. Perfection!

However, as good as the Valentine's holiday was this year, last night was the most aware I have been in  a long time of how much I love my husband, how blessed we are.

We had been watching my mom's dog, Kody, for the past week. About 9 p.m., Kody throws up. Matt, after a quick dog scolding, cleans it up.

About 10:15, Finn throws up. The two of us jump into action: I grab Finn and dunk him through a quick bath and get him clean and fragrant and then hold him close and rock with him and sing to him. Meanwhile, my valiant husband is downstairs scrubbing vomit out of Finn's sheets and pajamas.

About half an hour later, right after I laid him back in his crib, Finn throws up again. We both activate again and clean the mess up by working together. A little while later, I am holding Finn when he starts to heave and cry again, and Matt grabs a floatable tub (yes, this was readily available in our house) and I move Finn and at least the throw up is contained this time.

As I am holding Finn and rubbing his head and back, Kody throws up two more times. At this point, the whole situation is somewhat comical! While I am cleaning up doggy ick, Matt changes the laundry and hauls an extra mattress up from downstairs and places it on the floor in Finn's room for us to sleep on for the night. After all, there is no way that we can sleep across the hall in our room and risk Finn throwing up again.

We settle in for the night, unusually close together on the full-sized mattress (thank heavens for Queen-sized). Again, about half an hour later, we hear Finn make a familiar sound; rising off the mattress, Matt grabs the bowl we had placed aside for such a purpose and I grab the paper towels to wipe off Finn's face. Once he is back down, we discover another previously unnoticed pile of doggy ick. So Matt cleans it up.

I high five my husband.

As we lay back down and I drift off to sleep, I give thanks for the team that we make. I think of how much I love him and how cleaning pukey sheets speaks so much more to me than a bouquet of flowers (although, flowers ARE nice too :)).

And although I am more tired than usual this morning, I have extra pep in my step and joy in my disposition because I have been fortunate to be reminded of my blessings through a throw up kind of evening. This morning I am thankful for my son who is now healthy and for the partnership that my husband and I have.

It doesn't say in the Bible that true love cleans up puke, but I'm pretty sure its inferred :).

Walmart: M&G Part Two

One week after I first noticed Matt's attention toward me had changed, my sister and her boys (she only had two then) happened to be in town and came to church with me.

Obviously, I was interested to know her thoughts on the cute guy that I sang with. And her thoughts were? "You guys have GOT to stop flirting when you're on the stage."

As I was leaving church that day to go meet Kiki, Cort, and Lane for Sonic, I noticed Matt leaving right behind me. He walked behind me, talked some more, flirted some more. Then I got in my car and drove away. It was later that I found out that he was trying to get up the courage to ask for my phone number but chickened out.

About a half hour later, as we were filling our bellies with Sonic, I received a text message on my phone from an unknown number which began an unconventional texting conversation. Long story short, Matt had hit up our mutual friend, Jeremy, for my phone number. Long story shorter, Matt asked me out for the next evening. 

It was about this point in time that I started jumping up and down in my apartment (literally). My sweet nephews were looking at me like I was crazy!

But I didn't care. I had a date! With the cute guy from church! Ah, sweet bliss. 

For the next 29 hours or so, butterflies consumed my belly.

Since the next day was a Monday, I had to endure a day of work before our date. As I was telling my co-worker all the details of the "ask-out", I remember feeling a calmness overcome the butterflies for a moment and felt something inside me say, "Just relax and enjoy the journey".

That evening, Matt picked me up for dinner at HuHot (still our favorite). Three things I remember about that dinner: very deep conversation for a first date, wishing that noodles were easier to eat attractively, and talking about egg nog.

Talking about egg nog led to a momentous trek to Walmart. It was while we were at Walmart that everything truly clicked into place. We got away from all the seriousness of our dinner conversation and essentially became children. We raced through the parking lot, did cartwheels in the office chair aisle, and pressed all of the musical toys so they were all playing at once.

It was also at Walmart that Matt says he knew he was going to marry me. There was apparently a moment when he was telling a story as we were walking, and I turned around to walk backwards so that I could focus on him better.

It's the little things, I guess.

After Walmart, we went to Barnes and Noble to get coffee. After some conversation on the floor of the music section and a race through the store (who could be quickest to look up a word in the dictionary, of course), it was time to call it a night.

After four hours together, we knew we had something very special.

Matt walked me to my door and the last words he said to me that night were, "Be blessed! I know I was!"

And so it began. 

Groovy Pair?: M&G Part One

December is a month of looooooooooove. Not just because family is near and people are more generous of spirit, but because December always gets me thinking back to the beginning of me and Matt's relationship. December holds memories of our first date, first "I love you", first kiss, only wedding....

As Matt and I have been together for nearly 4 years and married for nearly 3, I thought that it would be an opportune time to share some of the details of how Matt and I made it to the matrimonial altar. Since I am a person of details with a sometimes elephant-esque memory.......this story will likely take several entries to tell!

The beginning...
In 2007, I was living in Conway, Arkansas, working as a nanny and helping out with Chi Alpha ministries. I would frequently speak on the phone with my best friend, Chanelle. It was, in fact, Chanelle who first told me about a man she knew that sang on the worship team at the new church that she and her husband were attending. She never shoved the idea of him down my throat by any means, but she would mention him every once in a while and how much she wanted me to hurry up and move back home because she wanted me to meet him. She thought we would be a groovy pair!

Me and my Arkansas sistas

So move back home I eventually did. August 2007 found me moving back to Sioux Falls in order to attend graduate school at USD to get my masters in School Counseling.

My first Sunday back in Sioux Falls, I attended church with Chanelle and her family. Was my curiosity piqued about this so-called mystery man/worship leader? Yes. But I also knew several people at the church already that I was eager to see again, including my old friend, Jeremy. Jeremy and I had been friends since we met at church camp when we were 17 and 15, respectively.

Little did I know that Jeremy had been playing a bit of matchmaker as well. He and Matt had been living together for a couple of months and when he found out that I would be moving back home, he mentioned my existence to Matt and said that he thought we would be a groovy pair. Jeremy even showed Matt my MySpace page (hello, 2007!) and Matt's response? "Get her here, then!"

Matt and Jeremy bonding over Dance Dance

Alas, things were not exactly easy peasy lemon breezy from that point forward. I began attending the church where Matt helped to lead worship and yes, I thought he was cute. When I had been attending the church for a couple of weeks, the worship leader, Joe, came up to me and asked me if I sang. I told him that I did, but not amazingly. He had me "audition" for him and he pulled Matt in to sing with me. It was at this time that I found out that Matt was 2 years older than me. After having spent the last two years surrounded by college-aged guys who were younger than my college-graduated self, that was a breath of fresh air. Suddenly, my interest was piqued even further.

However, that interest was halted when I realized that Matt had a girlfriend. Unfortunately for me, he had begun dating her a few weeks before I moved back home.

For the next few months, Matt's and my interactions were fairly basic. He was very friendly (is there anyone Matt isn't friendly to?) and every once in a while we would have a conversation that would reveal just how many diverse things we had in common. I remember one conversation in particular where we were quoting movie lines and knew exactly what the other one was talking about. But for the most part, we talked about "The Office" during downtime at church and we sang together. I never once felt like Matt was flirtatious with me when he was dating the other girl.

Which was why, on December 3rd, I could actually feel that his attitude toward me changed. All of a sudden, he got his flirt on. And all of a sudden, I found myself realizing that it had been quite awhile since I had seen his girlfriend...........

Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth...

My mom used to have a song she would sing to reprimand our naughty mouths that went like this:
"Oh be careful little mouth what you say! Oh be careful little mouth what you say! For the Father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little mouth what you say!"

To this day I am not sure if she created this one herself or stole it from somewhere else. Either way, it was preferable to a bar of soap in the mouth :).

I have been ruminating on my words recently as Finn has begun crawling. He crawls everywhere and he moves quick and he is fearless when it comes to pulling himself up on things. As I spend the greater part of my day shadowing him and making sure he is safe, I have caught myself saying things like,

"You are so exhausting!"
"You little nerd!"
"You are such a handful!"
Although I say these things with laughter in my voice, I usually wish that I could take those words back and replace them with something softer and more gentle.

Colossians 4:5-6 "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."

There is no denying that the affect that words have over us is powerful. They can hit us like a punch in the gut or soothe us like an arm around the shoulder.

My mom was telling me a story awhile back about when she was in college. She was working in downtown Minneapolis and had a nasty cold. After one particular cough explosion, she overheard someone say, "That's a cough that isn't long for this world". To this day, she still hears that voice when she gets sick, wondering if it is a malady making way for the grim reaper.

For me, it goes back to words I heard as a child. When I was growing up, the words that I remember the most about myself are "brat" and "selfish". This is not to say that I didn't deserve them or that they weren't often said in jest; it is not to say that many nice things weren't said as well. It is simply to say that they are the ones most seared in my memory. Even still, anytime someone says one of those words in conjunction with my name, it takes me a second to catch my composure again.

Just last week, Matt and I were discussing our game plan on something and he said, "I'm not saying you're being selfish, but....". And I just started crying. That word has power to me. To me, selfish and brat are the two worst words in the entire English language. Yes, they are even worse than 'moist'; worse than 'succulent'; worse than 'bootylicious'.

In many ways, I feel as though I have lived much of my adult life trying to run from those two words; I try to distance myself as much as possible from them. But the unfortunate truth is that sometimes I still act bratty. Sometimes I still act selfish. They have followed me into adulthood, into marriage, into motherhood.

We all have things about ourselves that threaten to bring us shame. Since childhood is such a formative time in life, many of these undesired characteristics were derived before we had any inclination to their long-term results.  Even more so, many of those bandaged-over wounds can still rip open from time to time - no matter how old we get.

Because of this, I am trying to stay sensitively conscious of the words that I speak over Finn. It would literally break my heart if he were to ever think that he is 'too much to handle' or an 'exhausting' presence in my life. Or that he truly think himself a nerd and thereby become blissfully uncool! As his mother and the person that is with him nearly 100% of the time, it is my job to speak goodness and love into his life. I am discovering that there are ways that I can release what I am feeling without negative connotation.

Instead of, "You are so exhausting!" I can speak, "You are so adventurous!"
Instead of, "You little nerd!" I can speak, "You are so funny!"
Instead of, "You are such a handful!" I can speak, "You keep Mommy on her toes!"

Ephesians 4:29-32 states, "Watch the way you talk. let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."

A gift. With the words we speak, we can give gifts of encouragement, love, and tenderness. Each time I talk to Finn, I can choose to let him know that I love him and that I think he is an amazing blessing. May this sweet little boy never doubt that he is loved!

Similarly, as I concentrate on speaking positive words over my son, I am also practicing doing the same thing over myself.

'Brat' and 'selfish' do not have to be burdens weighing me down as constant reminders of how I used to be. Rather, they can be catalysts to remind me how not to be. I may have a spunky attitude, but I am not a brat. I may have grown up selfishly wanting my own way, but as an adult woman I can pour myself out to be a blessing for others. Words do not define us; actions do. But words can have one heck of an impact. May I use my words as gifts, to bless, and to find beautiful things in others.

Romans 12:17: "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everyone."

"Don't let evil get the best of you. Get the best of evil by doing good." Romans 12:21

1 Peter 3:8-11 says, "Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that's your job, to bless. you'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, here's what you do; Say nothing evil or hurtful; snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth."

Practice Makes Perfect, yadda yadda yadda

"If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong" Romans 14:23

There are certain hopes that I have for my sweet Finners.

I want him to be kind. I want him to be generous in his love for others. I want him to not be selfish. I want him to trust and hope and dream and to know joy and peace fully and absolutely. I want him to love God more than anything else this life has to offer.

As I have been thinking about these things this past week, God has been revealing to me that the way Finn is most likely to grow in these things is to see them modeled by those he is closest to. Me. Matt. His grandmas, grandpas, cousins.

This was affirmed to me today when I read on BabyCenter.com: "Over the next few months, he may learn to assess and imitate moods and might show the first stirrings of empathy. For instance, if he hears someone crying, he may start crying too. And even though your baby's just beginning to learn about his emotions, he's picking things up from you. Over the many months (and years) to come, your child will likely copy the way he sees you treat people."

No pressure there :).

But on a serious note, there is a huge amount of responsibility I feel in teaching Finn how to treat others. And sometimes, it seems as though there couldn't be a worse person from whom to learn.

I have been selfish. I have gossiped and criticized. I have struggled, desperately at times, to learn how to love others the way that I know I should.

But recently, I have begun to study on the matter. And do you know what I have found?

1 John 3:18-21: "My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!"

Or as Nike advises: "Just Do It".

There are no more excuses like, "Well, I am just really grumpy today,"; "He cut me off! He deserved that nasty look I gave him!"; "They started it!".

There was a time about a month ago when I was at Target, and it could have been said that I was grumpy. Maybe just a little.

I found myself getting so easily annoyed with others and then instantly feeling guilty for it. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head say, "Act the exact opposite of what you feel."

So when I felt like someone was in my way, I backed up so that they had even more room to maneuver. When someone took forever looking at what I wanted to look at, I smiled politely and came back to it once they were finished. When someone was speaking so loudly it felt like her voice was attached to the loud speaker, I changed my thoughts to, "I hope that she is having a really good conversation!"

At the end of that Target trip,  I didn't feel emotionally exhausted or annoyed anymore as I sometimes did in the past. I felt energized, and even more ready and eager to be kind to others that I encountered.

There have been several times since that Target trip that I have felt annoyance simmering beneath my surface and have reminded myself to act the opposite of what I feel. It is NOT always easy and sometimes means swallowing a healthy dose of pride and my idea of justice............but each time gets a little bit easier. "Work at getting along with each other and with God" (Hebrews 12:14).

Work?

I am still studying, but I think that means something like this:

If I  am annoyed, I can choose "Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out." (1 Thessalonians 5:13-15)

If I feel taken advantage of, I can choose "Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." (Philippians 2:2-6)

If I am jealous, I can choose "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or prideful comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." (Romans 12:6)

If I feel the desire to judge, I can choose "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." (Romans 14:19-20)

If I get my feelings hurt, I can choose "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. 'I'll do the judging,' says God. 'I'll take care of it.'" (Romans 12:17-19)

We are so much more than our feelings. We are not prisoners to them.

There have been one too many times that I have read or underlined these scriptures in my Bible and then not put them into practice. "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." (James 1:22-24).

How is that at 29 years of age, I am just now realizing that following these principles is God's most major plan for my life? "But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well." (1 Corinthians 10:24)

The more I actively love others, the less I focus on myself. The less I focus on myself, the happier I am. Truly.

And now for my favorite: The Finn Analogy!!!  Bum-da-da-bum!
He has officially become a crawler. There are times when I can honestly see the motor in his brain turning and trying to figure out just how to get to where he wants to go.  It is easy to see that he knows where he wants to go, but he is just learning to possess the skills needed to get his body to immediately do what his brain wants!

Sometimes I watch him as he is straining to get to something....brain turning....knowing what he wants to do......and not quite able to do it. I cheer, I clap, I laugh - if I could will him to do it I would.

There are things that God is currently refining in me. I am learning to be less critical, more giving; I am learning to speak less and listen more; I am learning to indulge myself less and seek Him more; in general, He is teaching me to love others better.

But there are still situations when I biff it big time.

Like my Finnerooski, I am just beginning to learn how to love others the God wants me to. My brain can focus in on what I want to do but my actions don't always follow suit immediately.

Sometimes when I screw up I can be very hard on myself and dwell in the shame of failure, which is its own kind of indulgence. In the past I would have pictured God as being dreadfully ashamed of me and hiding His face. But James admits that it isn't always easy to get along with others: "You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, and treating each other with dignity and honor." (James 3:18)

So I too am learning to crawl. I am moving forward and not abiding in past mistakes but rather in a hopeful future. And I can almost sense God cheering, clapping and laughing as I figure things out by seeking Him.

What is the old adage? Practice makes perfect? I played kickball this past week and while I wasn't terrible.......I also wasn't great.

I used to be great....................in elementary school, when I last played.

But I suspect that the more I play kickball this summer, the better I will become.

Likewise, the more I practice loving others well and putting them first, the better I will become.

And since my little boy is watching and learning from me, I know that he won't observe me handling every situation perfectly all the time. But I do hope that he learns to treat others with love and kindness. I hope he learns that it is okay to mess up; it is good to receive grace.

Lastly, here is a spin on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that I love:

“I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you
and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you,
and ‘love covers a multitude of sins.’ “

(Jerry Bridges)
Action Statements based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Discipline of Grace, p. 39

Romance

The thought of romance has been on my mind lately.

I think it is fairly safe to say that I have been...........interested in romance and love since I was a little girl. I remember getting "married" as a kindergartner to a few boys as a fun little game and wandering around the playground holding hands and stealing jackets as a means of flirting.


Although I only had 3 Ken dolls (one was an amputee, heaven help him) and about 15 Barbie dolls, my favorite dolls were always the ones who got the boyfriend. There was no Ken-boyfriend sharing at my house!

My favorite characters on tv shows were almost always the ones with a boyfriend (Kelly Kapowski, Topanga Lawrence, DJ Tanner, Kelly Taylor, Stacey McGill - give a big whoop if you know all of these!!)


On week nights, I used to lay in my bedroom listening to Delilah (a radio show all about love....is it still on???), recording love songs onto a menagerie of mix tapes.

In my young adult life, I filled my quote book with love poems, quotes, and lyrics that heralded romance.

Many of my favorite movies and songs are still about love.

I have always been fascinated with love. Big sigh.

Perhaps then, because of my romantic naiveness, God found it good to have me wait years before blessing me with my husband and a pretty fantastic love story.

For a person so entranced by the idea of love, its a bit ironic that I had never actually been in it until I met Matt. Matt knew how to woo. He gave good woo.

He wrote me lengthy letters pouring his heart out about why he loved me. He surprised me with flowers and gifts. He planned romantic and creative dates. He wrote songs about me. He took me ice-skating for goodness sakes. Twice.

Now that we have been married 2 1/2 years, the romance has changed a bit. Let's just say that it has been awhile since I have gotten a lengthy letter detailing his love for me!!

Instead, I get a front row seat to see him living it out for me every day.

We did a couples devotional about a week ago that asked us to specify how the other shows his/her love for us. And when it was my turn to share, I didn't say a single thing about flowers or love letters or ice-skating. Instead, I said.....

He changes dirty diapers.
He holds me when I am anxious and overwhelmed.
He still sends me daily text messages to let me know he is thinking of me.
He rubbed my feet when I was 9 months pregnant and swollen to the size of a human blueberry (ala Violet Beauregarde).......AND still called me beautiful.
He lets me speak my mind without judgment.
He spends his spring break to travel 12 hours to see my family for a week.
He shares his dreams with me.
He encourages and believes in me when I don't believe in myself.
He makes me laugh.
He prays for me. He prays with me.

Now that we have our sweet, amazing baby boy, our love story has evolved again. But from what I can tell.........it is only getting better.

So all of that to say that my idea of love and romance has definitely changed over time.

What was once idyllic and obscure.......is now tangible and real.

Sooooooooooooooooooo..................worth the wait :).

Lastly, here are a couple songs that I have been listening to on repeat this last week that reflect my current idea of romance more than any boy band song ever could (still love those boy bands though!)

Rosie Thomas "Guess It May" - shout out to the "Lost" montage!!!

Sam and Ruby "The Here and the Now"