Matt and I mark 7 years of marriage this weekend!!! In so many ways, that feels impossible. Like, 4 years, maybe. But, 7??? When did that happen??
He's my best friend. He doesn't make me feel crazy for all my emotions and feelings. He makes me laugh and we are total nerds together. He buys me sweet treats all the time to show me he's thinking of me. I have to believe that he does not do this to fatten me up so I'll never leave, much like the witch did to Hansel and Gretal.
He loves me very well.
My hope at this 7 year mark is that I show him my love half as well as he shows me his.
Because you see, I had to learn how to love him well.
I learned early on that feelings didn't take me very far.
As human beings and reflections of God, love is our foundational language. And while the feeling of love comes very naturally and fluently to us, the action of love is all together different.
The feeling of love stays inside of me and is selfishly serving. I am the only one that benefits from that feeling.
The action of love is what is external and thereby serves the other person.
The feeling of love is easy and makes us feel inspired and valuable.
The action of love can be grueling and breaks down every part of our selfish nature.
It took awhile to realize that Matt does not benefit from my feeling love for him, but only from the action I show him.
This means cleaning up the bathtub toys on Saturday nights because he wakes up so early and it is one less thing for him to do on Sunday mornings.
This means not retreating to pout when we argue or my feelings get hurt, but doing the hard work of communicating.
This means affirming him as a husband and father often, because I know how much encouragement means to him.
These are a few of a hundred examples I could give.
There is a learning curve when it comes to love.
When Ezra first joined our family, our older boys were completely enamored by him. They clearly loved him and wanted to show it. But they had to be taught how to love him well.
Finn wanted to hold him all the time, but first he had to learn how to do that. If he never learned how to properly hold Ezra, then chances are that he would one day accidentally hurt him. He had to learn to cradle and support his head, to be gentle, and to not impatiently push him away when he was done holding him.
Jonas was a bit different. He didn't give Ezra as much attention and would easily forget about his presence (babies DO sleep A LOT). But then when he would see him again and his eyes would light up. He would say, "Aww, Ez-a!!" and want to touch his face and pull his hands. He had to learn that those kind of touches are not pleasant for Ezra, and that it is most loving to touch the top of his head. He also had to learn that laying on top of Ezra is not the best way to show his love as it could potentially suffocate (!!!) what he is trying ignorantly to love.
It's not too different when we as adults are in relationship with each other. We have to learn that pushing and suffocating have no place when it comes to truly showing love to another. When we learn how to love others, it is learning the hard lesson that we best love others when we do what is best for them. We deprogram all those selfish, striving efforts to make ourselves feel comfortable, and lift up the other person through our actions.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 is our Biblical teaching on love, instructing us how to love each other well:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
I have to think that God inspired Paul to write those words because He knew how badly we needed instruction on how to love others well. We are innately selfish and have to learn how to put others first. I can't help but notice that each thing in that passage that we are told to do distinctly puts others ahead of ourselves. It isn't something that comes naturally but only with much practice.
After 7 years of marriage, I hope that I am only getting better and better at honoring Matt above myself. Not because he always deserves it, nor because I always feel it, but simply because I love him. The feeling of love I feel for Matt is all mine and I surely do enjoy it. But the actions I take each and every day are how Matt will know my love, and that is all for him.
Sometimes love is felt and sometimes love is chosen, but to be true it should always be shown.
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label marriage. Show all posts
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
Harmony
Harmony can be defined in multiple ways:
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"
Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.
One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.
But it all started with the music. And the worship.
From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).
I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.
When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.
I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.
Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.
There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.
When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.
I love seeing him shine.
Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.
Two voices, one lovely strain.
When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.
"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15
When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.
In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.
And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.
Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.
Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.
But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.
Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1
1. "An orderly or pleasing combination of elements in a whole"
2. "A relationship in which various components exist together without destroying one another"
3. "A relationship characterized by a lack of conflict or by agreement, as of opinion or interest"
Harmony can be a way of life. It can also be musical, one voice or instrument added to another, in order to create an even more beautiful song.
One could say that it was music that brought me and Matt together. I joined the worship team, we sang together, we cracked jokes, and we bonded over a mutual love of nerdy '90's movies and tv shows.
But it all started with the music. And the worship.
From the beginning, Matt was the soloist and I plugged away trying to learn harmony. Learning harmony was something that took intentional practicing for me; it was something I had to work to perfect (and to be honest, I still don't have it perfected).
I remember growing up in church, I would stand next to my mom and listen to her sing. She rarely ever sang the melody of a song; rather, she would effortlessly find the harmony. When I was young, I wondered why she wasn't singing the melody with everyone else. I didn't understand that she was simply making the song more lovely and complex.
When the time came in which I was trying to learn harmony, there were times it was fairly easy and others that it was more difficult. It depended upon the key of the song and the complexity of the melody, and I had to learn how to blend in my voice. But I loved it.
I especially loved singing with Matt (and not just because he was super dreamy). I loved molding my voice to his and instinctively knowing where he was going to go with a song. It is still one of my favorite things to do with my husband - sing harmony over his melody.
Matt and I have been married 6 years (happy anniversary to us!), and as I was reflecting on our relationship this week, I was thinking about how marriage itself is often like harmony.
There is a blending that is needed when you bring two separate lives together. And it's a skill that takes some perfecting.
When Matt is working hard and pursuing his goals, he is leading our family in a way similar to how one can lead a song. One of my main joys as a wife is to support Matt's gifts and goals and leadership. When I see Matt using his gifts, I want to do whatever I can to help and invest in his success. I want to bolster his efforts however I can. If he is the strong melody, I become the harmony, there to back him and help him shine.
I love seeing him shine.
Plus, the beauty of it all is that it goes both ways. When my gifts and goals are the focus and I carry the melody, Matt creates some beautiful harmony. When I was completing my masters degree and had homework and internship and commitments, Matt dedicated himself to doing whatever he could do to help me finish strong. If he had to rearrange his schedule to keep Finn so I could study, he did. If he had to do extra cooking and cleaning around the house so we weren't living in Sty-ville, he did. These days, he joyfully will watch the boys so that I can meet with one of our young adult women. I support his gifts, he supports my gifts.
Two voices, one lovely strain.
When I act in ways that support Matt's gifts, abilities, and goals, I harmoniously strengthen him. And vice versa.
On the other hand, if I act in ways that tear him down or make it difficult for him to succeed, I create a dissonant noise in our relationship and family. Nobody wants to listen to that kind of song, filled with contentious and mismatched notes. Unless you're like, into scream-o stuff.
"A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm" Proverbs 27:15
When you live with someone day in and day out, knowing their quirks and weaknesses and struggles almost as well as you know your own, it's not a blissful Hallmark movie kind of existence. It's much too real for that. The choice is to either create harmony through love and support, or exist in dissonance.
In this life that we are blessed to build together, our mutual goal is to let God write the song. With Matt as the head of our family, I trust him to lead us as the melody. I will do whatever I can to support and complement his melody by being a steady harmony in his life.
And, I imagine Finn can click us off on the drums while Jonas strums away on guitar.
Matt is my best friend. He still gives me whirligigs because he's so stinking handsome. He is committed to our family and loves to let us know it through his actions. I'm so, so, so delighted to be his harmony. He's still one of my favorite gifts from God. Ever.
Love is a privilege and not a right. It takes work and action and intentionality.
But it's beautiful. It's oh, so beautiful and oh, so worth it.
Learn the harmony and pour forth the love.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal" 1 Corinthians 13:1
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Worth the Wait
I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.
I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.
Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.
When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!
But God loves surprises.
I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.
Because I was obedient, I was blessed.
Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.
I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.
Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.
But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.
I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."
After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far.
Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?
Maybe.
But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special.
I still see the man that I know God meant for me.
I still know that I am crazy blessed.
It was worth the wait.
I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.
Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.
When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!
But God loves surprises.
I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.
Because I was obedient, I was blessed.
Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.
I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.
Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.
But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.
I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."
After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far.
Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?
Maybe.
But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special.
I still see the man that I know God meant for me.
I still know that I am crazy blessed.
It was worth the wait.
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