Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block

The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.

Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.

Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.

It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.

Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.

It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.

Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!

When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".

I lied.

Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.

I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!

But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.

Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?

I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.

However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.

I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.

My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.

Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.

Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.

We ask, "God…why?"

Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.

But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.

Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.

The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.

Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.

Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"

There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.

No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.

So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.

Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.

I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.

I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.

I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.

I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.

Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)

Dog Toys

A few days ago, I was cleaning, Jonas was sleeping, and Finn was playing. It was exciting times at the Fjerkenstad household!

Like many people, we keep our cleaning supplies underneath our kitchen sink. When I moved to clean the bathroom, I left the door to said cabinet open. Normally it is child lock protected and dutifully shut every time. I guess I got a little lazy.

Finn's curiosity got the better of him and he started digging through a treasure trove of cleaning bottles and Target bags.

Suddenly, I heard him proclaim, "Mommy! There's toys in here!"

I peeked my head around from the bathroom and said, "There aren't any toys in there, Finn."

"Yes there are!!!" he urged me.

Then it dawned on me: we used to keep chew toys for our dog underneath the sink…Eureka!

I said to my funny boy, "Finn, if there are toys down there, believe me - you don't want them."

"I do…" he insisted.

As this conversation continued, I thought of the oodles of toys that Finn already had in his possession. Already, our living room was overflowing with superheroes, Little People, and Legos.

Yet Finn was searching for more. Even worse, there was inflection in his words that suggested that we were holding out on him.

"Sweet boy," I said again, "Trust me you don't want anything under there." With that, I closed the cabinet and somewhere in the back of my mind, I made a mental note to clean and purge under our sink.

However, as I continued my cleaning spree, it dawned on me that sometimes we treat God our Father that same way.

We ignore the bounty before us and are in a continuous search for more…..More…..MORE!!!!!

There is a continuous aching in us that is forever longing for something more.

C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

Until we are in our forever home of heaven, we will always be aching for something.

And because of that aching, we often point the finger at God and question His authority and His goodness to us.

We believe that He is holding out on us. If He were truly our provider and our sustainer, then surely we wouldn't feel this constant longing.

All the while, He is showing us all of the amazing gifts we have already received.

Love. Breath. Sunsets. Nature. Beauty. Laughter. Emotion. Intellect. Spiritual gifts. Love…again (it's so important I had to put it twice!)

Romans 8:31-32 says, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Look around and be encouraged.

God is not holding out on us. He has given us everything.

In other words, there is no need to dig around for a glimpse of dog toys when you have superheroes and Little People in front of you.

Trust Him - He knows what you need and He will never withhold any good thing from you.

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11

Letting Go

My oldest son, even with his abundance of energy and independence, has always been a snuggler. The other day as we cuddled after he woke up from his nap, I asked him,

"Finn, will you promise to cuddle with me forever?"

With all seriousness, he looked at me and perked up immediately and responded,
"I have to fight lions and monsters first!"

But of course! So…

I let him go.

He exploded off the couch and brandished his styrofoam sword and ran off to conquer those pesky lions and monsters.

He is an adventurer at heart.

He is feisty and sweet and shy and social and loathes loud noises. He is one hundred other, unique things; and he is an adventurer at heart.

Because of that, I know that I will spend the rest of my life letting him go.

Letting him go to preschool, and then school.
Letting him go hang out with friends, and drive, and date.
Letting him go to move out and move on and head to college and career.

And every time I let him go, a little piece of me will go with him.

There is so much inside of me that wants to cling him to me and keep him close always. I dread the days when he will leave me with an actual aching in my heart.

But the older that my boys get, and the more independence that they exert, the more I realize that when I love them the way that I need to - with kisses and cuddles and spoken words - it doesn't always resonate with them.

When I cuddle and coo, it is mostly just an expression of what I am feeling in that moment. When I say, "I love you" to my boys 639 times a day, it is because I truly feel it at those moments. Those kinds of things meet my need to express my love to them.

However, to truly speak the language of looooove, it must be communicated in a way that the receiver knows it and feels it.

When I sit on the floor and play Little People? When I let Finn use his superpowers to turn me into a princess and the kitchen table becomes my castle? When I pick Jonas up from his crying in the middle of the night to comfort him when all I want to do is pull the pillow over my head and sleep?

That's love in their language.

My own mom has become an expert at this as my siblings and I have gotten older. She actively seeks out our worlds and when she spends time with us, she wants it to be doing something that makes us feel attended to. That's why she sits and watches tv shows with Missy and shows care for her animals. It's why she goes shopping and sips coffee during conversation with Kiki. It's why she engages in football games that she watches with Josh, asking questions so he can explain it to her. It's why she speaks with me about music and psychology and allows me to pick her brain about everything.

Parenthood is a continual letting go. But there is an upside of letting go, and that is when you grasp the opportunities to step inside your children's worlds and be active participants in them. I guarantee you that they will never feel more loved or invested in than when they feel that you care about the things that interest them.

It's speaking their language.

Talented Lumps of Clay

Being that I have a passion for psychology and the human mind, I tend to do a lot of evaluating. I evaluate why I am the way I am, why others are the way they are, what childhood trauma caused my husband to eat the last piece of pizza, and how getting upset with my son this morning will irrevocably mess him up for all future relationships.

Just kidding. Sort of.

But truly, I love a good personality test and I love the defining lines that they can give to the messy, vacillating orb that is my personality.




Lately, I have been seeking God a lot lately about the topic of talents.

Not the fraa-laa-laa-laa American Idol audition kind of talents.

But the Biblical kind of talents, the kind that we are supposed to be investing and growing, lest we be thrown outside into the darkness where teeth tend to gnash (Matthew 25:14-30).

Put simply, I want to be used. I want to matter. I want to be a tool to give God glory.

During our church's corporate fast this past month, that is one thing about which I was seeking God.

Where do you want me? Am I investing my talents in ways that honor You?

In this season of my life, with two squishy young 'ins, investing talents tends to be more difficult.

- I sporadically sing on the worship team, but it is often with spit-up on my shirt (or this past week, coffee).
- I make connections with some of our young adult women, but it is often electronically via Facebook or text. When it is in person, there is typically a little person grabbing my hair or jumping off couches for attention.
- I dream about creating human videos, but my bold visions are often thwarted by realistic wet blankets like limited practice time.

So I do what I can do.

I absolutely invest in the lives of my boys. I know 100% that they are my greatest investments. For them I love, I teach, I discipline, I lead, I clean (usually), I cook (meagerly), I load dishes and laundry machines. I snuggle. I squish their squishy faces.

But I do more than these things because I also believe that investment can lie outside of the boundaries of family. After all, I am more than a wife and mommy. I am a woman. I am a servant of God.

I ask, I seek, I pray, I offer.

During these last few weeks, God has definitely guided me in a certain direction that has filled me with excitement and expectation.

This is the rough version of how God spoke to me about talents over the last few weeks:

1. Use what you have. Take time and evaluate yourself - identify what you are good at, what you are not so good at. Be honest. If you're not sure, ask God to show you and He absolutely will. God made you the way He did for a reason and purpose and He longs to see you utilizing the traits He has placed within you.

Also, use what God has brought you through. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us..." (MSG).

There are reasons we cannot fathom for going through the dark days we go through; but often it is so that we can help others who need a hand in their own darkness. If God has brought you through something incredibly hard, it brings Him glory when you help someone else in a similar situation.

2. Invest yourself. Prayerfully, with consideration, but invest yourself. Get busy about the things that you are passionate about. Whatever gets you excited, whatever you find immense joy in - get busy! Passion doesn't just mean positive emotions either - whatever stirs up feelings of anger, indignation, or injustice - do something! Think outside the box and get creative. You don't have to just fill holes left empty by someone else.

Forget insecurity. Remember that God loves you and cling to that. Find rest in His deep, abiding love. Find your security not in what you can bring to the table, but in the God who has called you.

3. You don't need to use allllllll your gifts at one time. I believe that some gifts we have are for certain seasons of our lives. For example, I love to write and journal about what God is doing in my life. Sometimes I am able to whittle out some time to write, sometimes I am not. I just try to do it when I feel inspired, when I feel led.

Also, some of our gifts need to be honed and refined before we use them greatly. Take my handsome and hunky and bearded hubs; Matt is an amazingly gifted worship leader, but he refined his gift for years before God opened the door and said, "Now. Go."

There is much to be said for funneling all of your energies into one or two areas of service; if you spread yourself too thin, then you're probably not serving anywhere abundantly enough to matter. Bring it before God and ask. He loves to be asked (especially when we wait long enough to listen)!

4. Don't compare yourself to others who have similar giftings. There is only one you and God can best use you in the areas He has planned for you - no one else can matter in the way you matter. God has certain ministries, conversations, lives set up along the pathway He has for you. You need only to pay attention to Him and obey, so that you can walk in it.

Romans 12:6 says, "Let's just be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't" (MSG).

I read somewhere that when we compare ourselves to others, we wind up either disappointed or prideful. I, for one, don't wish to be either of those things. Does anybody?


Lastly....

Matt and I went to "Catching Fire" a few weeks ago. One really great aspect of that movie is comraderie and teamwork; every person had a skill that they used as their main weapon and helped to serve the greater purpose. Katniss - archery, Finnick - strength and coordination, Beetee - eccentric smarts, Johanna - axe, Peeta - camoflauge (oh Peeta....how boring).

They utilized other skills and traits, but they really leaned upon what they were innately good at.

I really think there is something to that. It is futile to try to fight the battle of life with weapons that are not a natural fit.

Seek God, ask Him which of your traits and abilities He can best use for His glory.

You will be amazed at what He can do with a a malleable lump of clay.

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." C.T. Studd

Unsafe Relationship

When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.

I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.

He was too friendly and nice to everybody.

I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

He was also too good-looking.

I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.

So what does God do?

He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.

I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.

He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.

He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.

Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.

Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......

Yeah, this was like that.

The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.

I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.

God wanted to give me more than just enough. 

I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never  had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.

God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.

I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.

God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability. 

I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.

Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."

As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.

Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."

Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.

God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.

Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.

My cup overflows.

"Love, Mom"

My mom always made Christmas magical.

Not like Santa and flying reindeer magical.......

....but just super, super special.

Back when I was a little girl, I had no idea just how hard she worked to make it all happen.

She saved all year long in order to be able to buy us just the right things at Christmastime. Each gift was wrapped impeccably and had a different personalized tag on it: For "Gretchie-Ketchie-Netchie-Setchie-Betchie-Detchie" or "Grrrr-Nin" or "Gretchen Noelle".

"Love, Mom".

But it really wasn't about the gifts, even then. They were simply the icing on a Christmas-flavored cake (what does Christmas taste like, you say? Mint.....and egg nog......and love).

It was about the traditions that she birthed and fostered and tended every year. It was about all being together. It was about listening to Christmas music and reading Luke 2 as a family and eating caramel rolls in the morning. It was about taking turns opening gifts so we wouldn't miss anything and playing games and putting on plays about the nativity story.

Mom handmade each of our stockings, delighted in getting us matching pajamas, and made 5 different kinds of cookies every year because, well, we each had our own kind that we would sit and make with her of course! If baking cookies meant quality time with mom, we were there. 

Being the youngest child, the older I got, the further away my older siblings moved. However, nearly every year without fail, they each returned home. Christmas was our time to be together. So a house that had been quiet burst with joyful noise. The driveway filled up. The table became crowded. There wasn't a chance of getting to watch what you wanted on TV. It took about 2 days for all of us to start getting on each other's nerves............but wow, those first 2 days were pure bliss!

This year as my own little family was decorating for Christmas, it hit me that this is the first year that Finn kind of "gets it". He loves anything to do with Christmas. He loves any movie with a Santa in it, wants our tree lit at all times, he lets out gasps of delight at seeing lights on others' houses, and He even calls snow "Christmas". 

He also is beginning to know who Jesus is because we talk about how Jesus is with him at all times. Christmas isn't Christmas without Jesus. 

With his new awareness, I feel a certain kind of pressure, a good pressure, to not only make Christmas special and memorable for my boys, but to also keep the discussion central on Jesus. 

Because Jesus is cooler than Santa. 

As much FUN as Christmas is, THIS is the time to begin teaching them:

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, 

did not consider equality with God as something to be used to his own advantage;

rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, 

being made in human likeness. 

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death

 - even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and 

gave him the name that is above every name, 

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

 in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 

to the glory of God the Father."

- Philippians 2:5-11

My sweet, squishy boys: this is the most important thing that I could ever teach you. 

Love, Mom. 

Christianese

I was born into a Christian family who literally lived at the church for the first few formative years of my life. If there was a service, we were there. If a member of our family was sick, we went anyway. We were often one of the first to arrive and most often the last to leave.

I have known God my whole life.

And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.

I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.

My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.

My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.

All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.

I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".

Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.

There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.

We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.

I know I am guilty of it.

For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.

In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.

And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.

But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.

Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.

Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.

For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.

The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.

Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.

It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.

He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.

Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."