Worth the Wait

I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.

I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.

Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.

When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!

But God loves surprises.

I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.

Because I was obedient, I was blessed.

Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.

I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.

Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.

But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.

I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."


After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far. 


Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?


Maybe. 


But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special. 


I still see the man that I know God meant for me. 


I still know that I am crazy blessed. 


It was worth the wait. 

Slapping Perfection

Personal goals: good or bad?

When I began my graduate school program 20 years ago in 2007, I set for myself a personal goal to graduate with a 4.0.

There was no particular reason for this, other than to prove to myself that I could do it. My mom, in her graduate program, graduated with a 4.0, so the most I can gather is that I set this goal for myself because I want to be as cool as my mom.

This semester, as many of you may know, has been extremely difficult for me. On top of taking two classes, I have been seeing clients for the first time in my life, spending one day a week at a school in Harrisburg, and preparing for and taking my comprehensive exams.

At this point, all that I can say is UFDA.

At the end of this semester, one could hypothesize that simply making it through with my faculties fully intact would be enough.

Hmmmm......but then there was that pesky personal goal that I set for myself.

My goal has been endangered for the greater part of the semester, as I was not securing as high of grades as I am used to in one of my classes.

This last week, my grade was teetering precariously between A and B and I had to force myself to face the reality that I may very well get my first B in the program.

Was I okay with a B? Could I still be proud of myself with a B? Would I forever look back on my life with this failed personal goal as a stain on my masters degree?

I pep-talked myself until I was sick of my own inner voice: "Perfection is boring, Gretchen!", "Only God can offer perfection, Gretchen!", "You are still a good student with a B on your record, Gretchen!", "You are blessed in every single way, Gretchen - knock it off!"

I even had a friend in the program who repeatedly chanted to me this week: "I'd prefer an A, but I'm okay with a B". Counselors can be so annoying :).

All of this was not working with me. I had to face the inner demon of perfectionism and we fought all week.

And then, miraculously, I forgot about the situation for a couple of days.

Things came to a head today when my last assignment grade was entered. I added up all of my assignments and realized that I had received a .949 (one needs a 95% for an A). I festered, I maybe cried a little bit, I did further calculations that proved that a mere half point more on any assignment would have pushed me over .95.

Was a half point really going to end my goal of 4.0? In my last class in my last semester of classes? Really?!

After stewing about it over lunch with my family, I decided to email my professor. I danced around the real issue in the email, but what I was really asking was "Will you round up? Oh please round up?!"

Then...........I took a bath and removed myself from watching my computer for a response. And I felt a peace float to the top of emotions.

This peace was not the result of trying to reason or argue with myself that getting a B wouldn't bother me. After all, I'd been trying that all week and it was not working.

It was truly a gift from God; I surrendered - seriously - the final result of this class.

This all served as a much needed reminder of how much I cannot do for myself. I can't bring myself peace and I can't slap perfection in the face by myself; I need the mighty hand of God for that.

As a person plagued with insecurity, I also can't be okay with my insecurities by myself (which is really what perfectionism is about for me). For that, I need to trust in what God says about me and give THAT precedence in my life.

Two hours later, I heard back from my professor......

and she rounded up.

Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve this goal this semester, because I know I did not do it alone:

- My amazingly supportive husband, who loves me and calls me smart and beautiful when I feel far from it.
- My amazingly supportive mother, who serves as a wonderful role model for me and who helped us indescribably with Finn.
- Matt's bosses, Quentin and Dianne, who were lenient with his schedule to make room for mine, which  further held us up these last few months.
- Kiki and Chanelle who served as endless sounding boards.....Kiki sent me a text early in the semester that said, "You got this" and I repeated that to myself often. Chanelle gave me a necklace that I would wear into my sessions that served as a reminder of who God made me to be.
- My awesome in-laws, Dave and Lynette, who provided help with Finn and other support which alleviated so much semester stress for both me and Matt.

I end this day thankful. Thankful, yes for the survival of my goal, but more so for this blessed life I get to lead. My insecurities tell me that I don't deserve it, but God gives it all anyway.

To Him be the glory.

Lately

I have not had much time to sit around and ponder my usual "ponderances" lately. Life is good and busy. It is busy AND it is good.

I daily operate from a position of knowing I cannot do this on my own. This means that every day I need to take a step of faith into the belief that I am doing what God has called me to do and that He will provide as I follow Him forward.

Every day I need to drop my insecurities and rely on what God says about me. Every day I need to call on His strength and wisdom to make it to bedtime successfully. Every day I need to remember the purpose of these sacrifices and the reality of His calling.

Neediness is not a bad position to be in with God. He has provided for me in amazing ways this last month. I get giddy even thinking of His faithfulness.

True, there are times when I feel like I am hanging by a thread. It is almost like I am living in a state of constant stress....I am in a pattern of stressful homeostasis. It doesn't take much to descend into the place  where the tears flow freely and the ugly cry reigns supreme.

Just ask my husband :).

But each ugly cry is met with a new morning and new victories given by God.

This song has been the cry of my heart lately and I can't stop listening to it. It is a reminder of all things important.

Busy Blessed

I am not a person who loves to be busy. I like my down time; one could argue that I NEED my down time. I'm a nicer person when I get some down time.

These next few months however, do not allow for a whole lot of down time. I am straight-up-now-tell-me busy.

And don't get me wrong - I am actually having a lot of fun! This fun in the midst of the busy, often frantic feeling verifies that I am in the center of God's will for my life and that I have not misunderstood what He wants for me. Even when things are storming around me, I feel a peace that I am in the right place.

That feels goooooooood.

But I am busier than I have been in awhile. The word bursting comes to mind - my life is bursting with good things.

There are times when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and to wish time away - I just want to graduate already!!!!

But then God slaps me in the face with perspective.

I just read a blog entry from a mom whose precious son was taken from her one year ago.

As I read, tears flooded my eyes and I clutched Finn close to me as he sat on my lap watching Yo Gabba Gabba.  I cherished the moment that I had with him.

And the simple truth hit me: I am not too busy; I am just really blessed.

I am blessed to get to finish my masters degree.
I am blessed to have the most amazing support system that supports and helps in whatever ways they can.
I am blessed to have a son whom I miss (a lot) when I am not with him.
I am blessed to study, attend class, practice working in a school, support my husband in his ministry by working with our young adults, develop dramas for our church, and have friends to fit in between all the cracks.

There's no bad here.

In the first few lines of the perspective-giving blog I read, the writer states, "A few weeks ago I thought my biggest problem in the world was that I’d gained 10 lbs over the summer. I may have mentioned it to you here a time or three. But as you know, everything has changed:"

My seeming problems are not problems at all; at least, not compared to what others are going through. 

I am BLESSED and may I never forget it. 

Kindred Spirits

I've been delving back into my Anne of Green Gables books again recently. Sometimes I feel like a child again when I read them and I think maybe that is what draws me in time and time again.

I so admire the way that Anne sees life - everything is lovely and dreamy, inspiration is everywhere. She is a driven, intelligent, independent, lovable girl (and then woman).

I have always identified with Anne: her passion and sensitivity, her flair for the dramatic, her flash of tempers, her inner drive to be more, her loyal love for her nearest and dearest.

One aspect of Anne's life that I have been reflecting on lately is the "kindred spirits" in her life. Anne defined a kindred spirit as "a bosom friend-an intimate friend, you know-a really kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul".

In other words, kindred spirits are those with whom we don't have to "try" with. They are easy to be around; they are easy to be ourselves around. They are trusted with the innermost places of our lives and give theirs in return.

Kindred spirits are the ones whom you can listen to talk forever because you find what they have to say truly interesting. They are the ones that you walk away from meeting them for the first time thinking, "We are SO going to be friends!"

Sometimes kindred spirits develop when we find others who are going through similar things in life, or who see life through the same lens. Sometimes kindred spirits are part of our same family. Sometimes kindred spirits just happen.

I find the notion of kindred spirits absolutely compelling and entirely true. There are many people who I enjoy being with and talking to, but for whatever reason there is a lack of "clicking". They make great friends, but their kindred spirits are found in others and not in me.

Kindred spirits are special. They are the ones that you can go weeks or months without talking to and pick up right where you left off. They are the ones of whom you can say, "We'll be friends for life."

I have been blessed with a handful of kindred spirits. When I look at those people in my life who fill that description, I find that we accept each other as is and we understand and reciprocate humor.

I am thankful for the way they thrive on relationship.
I am thankful that they always take my side and offer to beat up anyone who hurts me.
I am thankful for their wit and the entertaining, epic conversations we can have.
I am thankful for their outgoing nature and energy and thoughtfulness.
I am thankful for their steady presence and willingness to share with me.

I think it is very near impossible to make it through life well without holding tightly to our kindred spirit relationships. They are phenomenally unique, as they allow us to receive a gift and be a gift all at the same time.

To my kindreds, you make my life 100,000,000,000 times better.

So..........you know...............thanks.

What Do I Do With These 64 Crayons?

Well, classes start in just 2 and a half weeks and I have truly been running the gamut of emotions:

- Excitement because I know it is what I am supposed to be doing AND I am almost finished
- Sadness over spending significantly less time with Finn
- Nervousness over counseling actual clients
- Wonder over how our finances will be met
- Fear that the stress of it all will cause my sleep problems to creep back in

.....Gosh those are a lot of negative emotions. Can I mention the excitement again? Because that IS a big part of what I am feeling!

I am a person who has dealt with a wide berth of emotions for as long as I can remember. I recall one of my professors stating once that some people have an 8 color box of crayons in emotions.  They have all the basics - red, blue, yellow, which means that they feel all the basic emotions - anger, sadness, happiness, etc.

Then he said that there are others who have a 64 box of crayons - they feel all those basic emotions, but they also feel all sorts of different shades of those emotions. Metaphorically speaking, they have not only blue, but also periwinkle, aqua, turquoise. Realistically speaking, they feel sadness, but also happy sadness, content sadness, angry sadness.

All of that to say, I am pretty sure I have the 64 box crayon of emotions. Not only that, but because of my hypersensitivity, I am usually very in touch with whatever emotion that I am feeling.

In the past, I have lived in surrender to whatever emotion I was feeling at any given point in time. My emotions were in control, so to speak. I used to think that living under the control of my emotions was an authentic way to live  - my feelings were my guide about everything. And while emotions can definitely be A guide, they are not meant to be the sole leader of our lives.

So as I feel all of these emotions about starting classes, I am trying to focus on the positive ones to give them power over the negative ones. But I am also assuring myself that they are just emotions and they don't change what I know I am supposed to be doing. Gosh, I feel like this is quickly venturing into self-help territory!!  Moving on....

Another thing that I am learning to do with my plethora of emotions is to pray them.

I used to feel ashamed of the strength of some of what I felt. I felt anger strongly, I felt sadness strongly, I felt jealousy strongly; but I also felt love strongly, loyalty strongly, obedience strongly, joy strongly.

When I would feel ashamed, I would tend to hide from God, a la Adam and Eve in the garden.

But what I have learned is that God longs to hear the honesty of whatever we are feeling. When we hide from Him, we hinder what He can do in the situation.

Dr. Timothy Keller, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite pastors to listen to online, did a sermon series on "Praying Your Fears" and "Praying Your Tears".

These sermons can be found online and I highly recommend them to anyone who deals with anxiety or sadness on a daily basis. They were eye opening for me and God used them to release a lot of strongholds in my life.

For those who don't go listen to them, however, essentially what they teach is that God wants to hear from us in the depth of what we are feeling - whatever it is. When we share what we are feeling with Him, it engages Him in the circumstance and invites Him to act.

As one who has often been burdened by the strength of my emotions, I have found praying them and being honest with God about them has been absolutely freeing. I no longer have to ashamed of what I feel; I bring it before God and we deal with it together.

One of my favorite books in the Bible has always been Psalms. I think that the reason I have loved it so is because I have always identified with much of what David wrote. He has been a brotha from anotha motha. In his writings, David expresses fear, sadness, joy, anger, elation, peace. I have recently gone through the psalms again and as I read them this time, I would write down any emotion that I felt was being expressed.

I sensed fear in Psalm 3,
affliction in Psalm 5,
weariness in Psalm 6,
wonder in Psalm 8,
bafflement in Psalm 10,
feeling forgotten in Psalm 13,
feeling rescued in Psalm 18,
thankfulness in Psalm 21,
anxiety in Psalm 22,
loneliness in Psalm31,
brokenness in Psalm 38,
depression in Psalm 42,
rejection in Psalm 44.

And that's not even the half of it.

The main reason that I love the psalms so much is because yes, they are a full expression of emotion. But the best part is that nearly every psalm, no matter what is being expressed, ends in giving glory to God and confessing His power over the circumstance.

Dr. Keller does point out that Psalm 88 is the only psalm that does not end on a positive note. I had written down that I sensed despair and loneliness from this psalm; it is not exactly a mood lifter. Dr. Keller believes that God wanted this psalm included as an indicator that things do not always wrap up happily or positively. Sometimes we can't come to that happy place in our minds after spilling our emotions; sometimes we dwell in darkness.

But even in darkness, we are not alone.

 "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night', even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You." - Psalm 139:11-12 (MSG)
"God has said, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you'." - Hebrews 13:5 (NIV)

I don't think my 64 box of emotions is going anywhere soon. But by confessing and expressing them to God, He enters in and is ultimately glorified.

Therein lies the purpose of life.

Creeper Mom

One of the 9,756,283 things that I love about my son is how I can stare at him when he is in my arms, or when we are just in close proximity to each other, and he could care less.

He doesn't try to push my face away. He doesn't avert his own face. He doesn't even blush with the rush of attention that is upon him.

Therefore, I can gaze at him lovingly all I want. And I do. I'm such a creeper.

And today as I am doing this and already dreading the day when he pushes me away (because let's be honest, it will come), I start thinking about what it is that makes us desire to push a look of love away.

It is a part of growing older. It is a rising self-consciousness. It is a heightened awareness of what is unfolding around us at any given point in time.

My favorite grad school professor said once that he loved it when his kids started saying the word "No!" because it showed that they were developing their own identity and stepping into it.

I wonder if pushing those loving looks away is a part of stepping into our own identity.

We all want our personal space after all. What's mine is MINE!

What I start to wonder though is what would happen if we surrendered that personal space to our Heavenly Father?

What if we didn't need to keep a protective bubble around ourselves?

What if we could just allow Him near and let Him lovingly gaze at us?

What if trying so hard to fight to be ourselves, we enter into being His and know that that's enough?

I think it would be easier to attain that "faith like a child" that Jesus talks about in Luke 18:17.
I think it would be easier to trust Him and His everlasting, powerful, abiding love for us.
I think it would be easier to hear His heartbeat as we allow Him near.

Yeah. That sounds good to me.