No Mo Mean Girls

Girls. Girls can be so tough, so hard on each other.

When I was in elementary school, I was a part of a mean girls clique. It was a group of 8-9 girls; some days you were "in" and some days you were "out". Power plays and manipulation were the name of the game and it was always a passive aggressive battle to not be the lowest girl on the totem pole. The lowest girl sat alone while the others talked about her. The lowest girl played by herself at recess, just praying that the others would include her. The lowest girl went home at the end of the day with a pit in her stomach. 

It was miserable. Even when you were at the top or middle of the group, it was miserable. 

I was so insecure in these 'friendships' that when I arrived at my very first day of middle school, I walked right past a group of them as they congregated near the building's front door. Since they were all already together, I was petrified that I was on the "outs" with them, so I walked right on by my best friends. 

For a shy, timid, and nervous 11 year old girl, there isn't much more intimidating than a group of mean girls. 

Save for one more bad experience, I was extremely blessed to go on to find good female friendships. I found the absolute best friends of my life in high school and college and after, one in particular who is more like a sister to me than just a friend.

These ladies renewed my faith in girls. They showed me grace and beauty and kindness. They showed me relationship. 

Granted, I still met girls who seriously intimidated me. 

Usually, the girls who intimated me were unusually beautiful, or exceptionally talented, or unflinchingly confident. I always felt like they had something that I didn't. 

I remember one time in particular, I was on a missions trip and was grouped together with this gorgeous girl who was a few years younger than me. My first instinct was to turn away from her. She hadn't done a single thing to me, yet I wanted to shun her. For nothing. 

Fortunately, wisdom prevailed. I felt something in my spirit beckon me to befriend her, to pursue relationship. I am so thankful that I listened to that voice because she became the person I was closest to on the trip, almost like a little sister. 

She was still amazingly beautiful, but I came to know so much more about her by moving towards her, rather than away from her. I gained a lovely friendship by kicking intimidation in the shins. 

Sometimes, I still have to kick intimidation in the shins. Women make the most incredible friends, but honestly? They can also still terrify me sometimes. 

Other women are so beautiful, kind, caring. They are impeccable mothers and generous wives. They have talent seeping from their pores and God delights in using those talents. 

It is amazing to see!

But sometimes, when we view other women from a distance, intimidation can loom large. When that distance is crossed and the mountains of intimidation are conquered, relationship blossoms. 

I meet with an excellent group of young women on Wednesday evenings. I love these times together because each one of these women are so different and unique. They are sensitive and tough. They are honest and kind. They are beautiful and they are merciful enough to laugh at my lame jokes. 

I have been amazed over the last few weeks to see how God is forging friendships between these women who are each so different. I feel privileged and thankful to be a part of it.

It all makes me excited, quite honestly! There is something here:

Something important, something Biblical, something beautiful.

This all stirs passion in me, and I have been studying it. Here's what I have found.

"It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out - in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God's Spirit. Then you won't feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day." Galatians 5:13-20

There is freedom here - true freedom! No more chains binding us with envy or insecurity. When we reach out to other women in kindness and love, we are doing our part to break down the walls that rise between us when we size each other up and compare ourselves against each other.


"Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original." Galatians 5:25-26

There is no doubt in my mind that this is the way that God intends for us to live. It is no secret that women often compare themselves to other women, and relationships can already be so fragile. But when we spend time building each other up rather than critiquing or criticizing or comparing, those relational bonds get stronger and God gets the glory. This is the good way.

"Make a careful exploration of who you are and the work you have been given, and then sink yourself into that. Don't be impressed with yourself. Don't compare yourself with others. Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." Galatians 6:4-5

It was kind of crazy to me when I began to study this topic, just how often the Bible instructs to not compare ourselves with others. When Paul wrote these instructions, he knew what a minefield comparison can be. When we compare, there are two end results: it makes us feel better about ourselves because we see how much better we have it than another, or it makes us envious that another has so much more.

"So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ's body, let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." Romans 12:6

Are either of these results really how we want to be? Prideful. Envious. Two sides of one coin. "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be"!!!

"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle." Romans 12:9-10

How do we not compare? By doing those things. Be authentic. Do good. Love deeply. Put others first.

"So where does that leave you when you criticize a brother? And where does that leave you when you condescend to a sister? I'd say it leaves you looking pretty silly - or worse. Eventually, we're all going to end up kneeling side by side in the place of judgment, facing God. Your critical and condescending ways aren't going to improve your position one bit. Read it for yourself in Scripture: 'As I live and breath,' God says, 'every knee will bow before me; Every tongue will tell the honest truth that I and only I am God.' So tend to your knitting. You've got your hands full just taking care of your own life before God." Romans 14:10-12

This is a beautiful reminder that we are all on the same side. When we waste time looking at others, it is ultimately attention that we are not giving God. Ladies, look at God! Isn't He amazing?! Doesn't He deserve our whole attention?!

Yes. Yes, He does.

"God's kingdom isn't a matter of what you put in you stomach for goodness' sake. It's what God does with your life as he sets it right, puts it together, and completes it with joy. Your task is to single-mindedly serve Christ. Do that and you'll kill two birds with one stone: please the God above you and proving your worth to the people around you. So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." Romans 14:17-19

When you see another woman looking lovely, by all means TELL HER!
When you see a gifting on a woman's life, don't envy it but BLESS IT! God's got you, friend. He will NOT hold out on you.
When you see someone you think is an excellent mother or wife, SPEAK IT! She may not hear it that often and you could have just given her a gift of renewed purpose.

Our words are so powerful. How will other women know we think they are amazing, if we don't tell them?!?!

"I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, 'I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body,' would that make it so? If Ear said, 'I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head,' would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it. But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of." 1 Corinthians 12:14-20

This is really what it all comes down to, isn't it? We all want to be significant. We all want to matter.

God knows that. He isn't blind to our battle for significance.

But that's the beautiful thing about God's sovereignty. He knows how much we can handle. He knows what gifts to bless us with in order to reach those who need them. He also knows when not to gift when it may cause pride and pull you away from Him who really matters.

It all truly comes down to a matter of trusting God. Do we trust that He loves us (John 3:16)? Do we trust that He wants to give us good things (Psalm 84:11)? Do we trust that He is good (Psalm 100:5)? Do we trust that He works all things for good (Romans 8:28)? Do we trust that He has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)?

He is absolutely trustworthy, but do you trust Him?

Then throw your energy into loving and encouraging, building up people and tearing down walls.

After all, if we have not love, we have nothing (1 Corinthians 13:2).

My Secret Identity

Before I was ever even conceived, my mom prayed for me. She prayed for one more daughter, one who would look cute in braids and whom she could name Gretchen. Gretchen was a name laid on my mom's heart before I ever existed.

In the Bible, especially in the Old Testament, a person's given name was their identity. A name was bestowed with thoughtfulness and heritage. When a child was named, it was sometimes a descriptor of the child at birth but most often a prophecy about what the child would become. 

Genesis 25 tells of the naming of Esau and Jacob. Esau, so named because he was "red and hairy" at birth. Jacob, so named because he came out "grasping" at his brother's heel.

Ruth 1 describes the agony of Naomi, who after great tragedy purposefully changed her name from Naomi ("pleasant") to Mara ("bitter").

1 Samuel 1 tells how Hannah, after praying for a child for years, named her sweet child Samuel ("heard of God").

There are dozens of other examples.

Names give identity.

During the formative years of my life, I found my identity by being a part of a big, church-going family.  We were the Swansons, ya'll! We were always at church, or at least that's what it felt like.

Mom played the piano and Dad played the organ and we all sang.

I was the youngest, so I was endeared as the baby of the family. I was Little Sister and Youngest Daughter and I belonged. My mom had prayed to God specifically for me and I knew I was wanted and cherished.

And then, to some extent, my family fell apart.

My parents divorced. We moved houses again. We changed churches. Mom started working longer hours so that we had food in the pantry. Mom got remarried. My brother passed away. My other siblings moved away.

We were no longer infallible. We were destructible.

Largely because of that, my identity suffered. The who I had been vanished. With the changes in my world, I found unhealthy ways to deal with my emotions and I uncovered parts of myself that I did not like so very much. I had attitude for days and rolling my eyes was my signature move. I snapped at people a lot when I felt out of control. I was angry.

Seemingly suddenly, I was identifying only with the negative parts of myself: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I no longer felt like the beloved, cherished, desired daughter and sister.

I lived under the shadow of those words: Selfish. Brat. Dramatic. I believed them about myself, because they felt true. I aligned myself with those words, and because of that I felt stifling shame.

Until…

God began teaching me about my name. I've blogged about it before, so I don't need to rehash. Long story short,

Gretchen means pearl. 

Pearls don't start out as much, just a simple grain of sand in a shell. Through irritation, a pearl is formed.

I may have began as a grain of sand, but through irritation, God could turn me into a pearl.

Something beautiful, something beloved.

Suddenly, I could identify with something positive about myself.

However, lately I have been struggling with feelings of insecurity that I thought had long ago been faced and dealt with. For the past few months, just when I think I've found a firm footing when it comes to how I feel about myself, the terrain shifts again and I'm flailing.

I was praying about my frustration and asking God what in the world was going on with me. Where did my confidence go? Where did my confidence IN HIM go?

And ever so gently, one question came to my mind:

"In what are you finding your identity?"

So I did some digging.

Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my family - Mother. Wife. Sister. Daughter. 
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my life's calling - Counselor. Pastor's Wife. Worshiper. 
Sometimes I feel like I find my identity through my personality traits - Sensitive. Dramatic. Sarcastic. 

As honorable and true as those things are, when they are the only ways I identify myself, I am  basically begging to feel insecure.

Because each of those things are insecure. They are fallible and shakeable.

For instance…

It is true that I will always be a sister, but the picture of what that means changes far too often for me to define myself by it.
It is true that I will always be a worshiper, but if I lose my voice tomorrow it would change the way that I worship and my identity could suffer.
It is true that I will always be sensitive, but I've seen enough episodes of "Grey's Anatomy" to know that even that can be affected by a tiny tumor on the brain.

The hard truth is that even though we think we are defining ourselves with honorable, amazing, God-given things, when we find our whole identity through our relationships, or callings, or personality traits, we are aligning ourselves with things that are inconsistent or shakeable.

Like when I was a child and felt my identity completely wrapped within my family.

Families and life callings and personality traits fail us.

God cannot. Christ cannot.

When we find our identity in Him, we find an identity that cannot be shaken by circumstances.

Take a second and really think about that. We have an eternal security!!!!

This is exciting stuff here, folks.

When our identity is wrapped in God, we know that we are His. We belong.

When we know that we are His, we know that we are:

- His children (1 John 3:1, Hebrews 12:7, Galatians 3:26, Ephesians 5:1, Ephesians 1:4-5)
- Called (1 Peter 5:10, 1 Corinthians 7:17)
- Never alone or abandoned (Hebrews 13:5)
- Holy (Hebrews 10:10, Colossians 1:22)
- Saved (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10, Romans 10:9)
- Called to peace (Colossians 3:15)
- Provided for (Philippians 4:19, 2 Corinthians 9:8)
- A work in progress (Philippians 2:12-13, Philippians 3:12-14)
- Light (Ephesians 3:8)
- Family (Ephesians 2:19)
- Forgiven (Ephesians 1:7-8)
- Free (Galatians 5:1, 2 Corinthians 3:17)
- Heirs (Galatians 4:6-7)
- A new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- Comforted (2 Corinthians 1:1-5)
- Loved ones (Hosea 2:23)
- More than conquerors (Romans 8:37)
- Known (Romans 8:26-27, Psalm 139)

And there is more…so much more!!

Find security in Him and watch all insecurity fall away.

"Lord, thank you.
I am not the mistakes I have made.
I am not the plans I have failed.
I am not the wrongs I have done.
I am not forgotten.
I am not abandoned.
I am not alone.
Because you say to the lost: come.
You say to the unlikely: beloved.
You say to the battle weary: rest.
In a hard and beautiful world, Your grade is the only pillowed relief for my tired soul.
To rest in Your making all things new."

- Ann Voskamp

Brown the Color and New Kids on the Block

The other day I was coloring with Finn. I was using the color brown, and all of a sudden I started to feel a titch sorry for for brown.

Brown is nobody's favorite color. People usually don't clamor to have brown colored rooms or bikes or cars or clothes.

Brown is the color of mud. And baskets. And poo.

It's just not fair. Brown should be someone's favorite color.

Brown is just brown. Lonely, muddy old brown.

It reminded me of when I was 9 years old and, like most little girls my age, The New Kids on the Block were where it was at.

Those smooth moves, those silky prepubescent voices, those boyish good looks!

When my friends and I would giggle around our sleeping bags and practice the dance to "(You've Got The) Right Stuff", we would talk about which member was our favorite. During these conversations, I would respond with "Danny".

I lied.

Danny was nobody's favorite, so I actually felt a little bit bad for the guy. In the picture above, he is far left in the top one and far right in the bottom one. Danny wasn't the best singer or the best dancer. He wasn't the cutest. He couldn't even pseudo-rap like Donnie. And, let's be honest, when he got older he kind of started to look like a mobster hit man.

I tried and tried to no avail to like Danny. I tried because Danny should be liked…..by somebody!

But nope. I couldn't force it. I really liked Jordan, just like 50% of other girls my age.

Similarly, last spring when I graduated with my masters degree in School Counseling, I knew that I should be looking for full-time school counseling jobs. After all, its crazy to get a masters degree and then……..not immediately use it. Right? Right? Who does that?

I did that. Unabashedly, really. I did that. I knew that more than anything, if our family could afford it, I wanted to stay home with our boys.

However, even though I knew that's what our family wanted, I felt a little "less than" for not doing what the rest of my friends and classmates were doing - nailing down jobs. There were some tears and anxiety as I wrestled with what I felt called to do versus what I felt I should do.

I have been dealing with the question of should lately in my relationship with God. Although I have a close relationship with God, doubt tends to rear its ugly head in my mind when things stop making sense. When things don't go the way they should go, I question why.

My rule following, paint-by-numbers self likes order and loathes chaos.

Most people don't live long in this world before realizing that things often don't go the way that they should.

Parents don't stay married. Loved ones pass away far too young. Children get scarred and abused by adults who are abused and scarred. Sickness. Poverty. Depression. The list goes on.

We ask, "God…why?"

Why is just a fancy should. It's a should with a top hat on.

But when we "should" God, we quickly become bitter. We trust our instincts more than His promises.

Moreover, when we place our "shoulds" above His sovereignty, anger arises in our hearts.

The underlying issue in "shoulding" God is doubting His love. It is doubting that is heart is good toward us. It's forgetting that He promised to never leave or forsake us and to always provide what we need.

Although it feels as though we are simplifying things when we expect them to turn out a certain way, that is a mirage.

Job 38:1-2 "And now, finally, God answered Job from the eye of a violent storm. He said: 'Why do you confuse the issue? Why do you talk without knowing what you are talking about?"

There is nothing more simple than just this: TRUST. GOD.

No more, no less. Trust His plans and His heart and His promises and His love and His sovereignty.

So this is something that I am working on. I am working on throwing away the shoulds for good. After all, our life circumstances do not always need to make sense.

Helen Keller once said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."

That Helen was a smart cookie. She knew that we truly come alive when we let go of the reins of our lives and relax into the breeze of the unexpected.

I am going to stop "shoulding" myself to meet standards that I was never meant to.

I am going to stop "shoulding" God and actively choose to trust Him…..even more so when circumstances don't make sense.

I have fallen often enough into the gracious love of God that I know it will always be enough.

I may never learn to love the chaotic dance of life, but I can fall even more in love with He who orchestrates the steps.

Romans 8:15 says, "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike 'What's next, Papa?'" (MSG)

Dog Toys

A few days ago, I was cleaning, Jonas was sleeping, and Finn was playing. It was exciting times at the Fjerkenstad household!

Like many people, we keep our cleaning supplies underneath our kitchen sink. When I moved to clean the bathroom, I left the door to said cabinet open. Normally it is child lock protected and dutifully shut every time. I guess I got a little lazy.

Finn's curiosity got the better of him and he started digging through a treasure trove of cleaning bottles and Target bags.

Suddenly, I heard him proclaim, "Mommy! There's toys in here!"

I peeked my head around from the bathroom and said, "There aren't any toys in there, Finn."

"Yes there are!!!" he urged me.

Then it dawned on me: we used to keep chew toys for our dog underneath the sink…Eureka!

I said to my funny boy, "Finn, if there are toys down there, believe me - you don't want them."

"I do…" he insisted.

As this conversation continued, I thought of the oodles of toys that Finn already had in his possession. Already, our living room was overflowing with superheroes, Little People, and Legos.

Yet Finn was searching for more. Even worse, there was inflection in his words that suggested that we were holding out on him.

"Sweet boy," I said again, "Trust me you don't want anything under there." With that, I closed the cabinet and somewhere in the back of my mind, I made a mental note to clean and purge under our sink.

However, as I continued my cleaning spree, it dawned on me that sometimes we treat God our Father that same way.

We ignore the bounty before us and are in a continuous search for more…..More…..MORE!!!!!

There is a continuous aching in us that is forever longing for something more.

C.S. Lewis once said, "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."

Until we are in our forever home of heaven, we will always be aching for something.

And because of that aching, we often point the finger at God and question His authority and His goodness to us.

We believe that He is holding out on us. If He were truly our provider and our sustainer, then surely we wouldn't feel this constant longing.

All the while, He is showing us all of the amazing gifts we have already received.

Love. Breath. Sunsets. Nature. Beauty. Laughter. Emotion. Intellect. Spiritual gifts. Love…again (it's so important I had to put it twice!)

Romans 8:31-32 says, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

Look around and be encouraged.

God is not holding out on us. He has given us everything.

In other words, there is no need to dig around for a glimpse of dog toys when you have superheroes and Little People in front of you.

Trust Him - He knows what you need and He will never withhold any good thing from you.

"For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." Psalm 84:11

Letting Go

My oldest son, even with his abundance of energy and independence, has always been a snuggler. The other day as we cuddled after he woke up from his nap, I asked him,

"Finn, will you promise to cuddle with me forever?"

With all seriousness, he looked at me and perked up immediately and responded,
"I have to fight lions and monsters first!"

But of course! So…

I let him go.

He exploded off the couch and brandished his styrofoam sword and ran off to conquer those pesky lions and monsters.

He is an adventurer at heart.

He is feisty and sweet and shy and social and loathes loud noises. He is one hundred other, unique things; and he is an adventurer at heart.

Because of that, I know that I will spend the rest of my life letting him go.

Letting him go to preschool, and then school.
Letting him go hang out with friends, and drive, and date.
Letting him go to move out and move on and head to college and career.

And every time I let him go, a little piece of me will go with him.

There is so much inside of me that wants to cling him to me and keep him close always. I dread the days when he will leave me with an actual aching in my heart.

But the older that my boys get, and the more independence that they exert, the more I realize that when I love them the way that I need to - with kisses and cuddles and spoken words - it doesn't always resonate with them.

When I cuddle and coo, it is mostly just an expression of what I am feeling in that moment. When I say, "I love you" to my boys 639 times a day, it is because I truly feel it at those moments. Those kinds of things meet my need to express my love to them.

However, to truly speak the language of looooove, it must be communicated in a way that the receiver knows it and feels it.

When I sit on the floor and play Little People? When I let Finn use his superpowers to turn me into a princess and the kitchen table becomes my castle? When I pick Jonas up from his crying in the middle of the night to comfort him when all I want to do is pull the pillow over my head and sleep?

That's love in their language.

My own mom has become an expert at this as my siblings and I have gotten older. She actively seeks out our worlds and when she spends time with us, she wants it to be doing something that makes us feel attended to. That's why she sits and watches tv shows with Missy and shows care for her animals. It's why she goes shopping and sips coffee during conversation with Kiki. It's why she engages in football games that she watches with Josh, asking questions so he can explain it to her. It's why she speaks with me about music and psychology and allows me to pick her brain about everything.

Parenthood is a continual letting go. But there is an upside of letting go, and that is when you grasp the opportunities to step inside your children's worlds and be active participants in them. I guarantee you that they will never feel more loved or invested in than when they feel that you care about the things that interest them.

It's speaking their language.

Talented Lumps of Clay

Being that I have a passion for psychology and the human mind, I tend to do a lot of evaluating. I evaluate why I am the way I am, why others are the way they are, what childhood trauma caused my husband to eat the last piece of pizza, and how getting upset with my son this morning will irrevocably mess him up for all future relationships.

Just kidding. Sort of.

But truly, I love a good personality test and I love the defining lines that they can give to the messy, vacillating orb that is my personality.




Lately, I have been seeking God a lot lately about the topic of talents.

Not the fraa-laa-laa-laa American Idol audition kind of talents.

But the Biblical kind of talents, the kind that we are supposed to be investing and growing, lest we be thrown outside into the darkness where teeth tend to gnash (Matthew 25:14-30).

Put simply, I want to be used. I want to matter. I want to be a tool to give God glory.

During our church's corporate fast this past month, that is one thing about which I was seeking God.

Where do you want me? Am I investing my talents in ways that honor You?

In this season of my life, with two squishy young 'ins, investing talents tends to be more difficult.

- I sporadically sing on the worship team, but it is often with spit-up on my shirt (or this past week, coffee).
- I make connections with some of our young adult women, but it is often electronically via Facebook or text. When it is in person, there is typically a little person grabbing my hair or jumping off couches for attention.
- I dream about creating human videos, but my bold visions are often thwarted by realistic wet blankets like limited practice time.

So I do what I can do.

I absolutely invest in the lives of my boys. I know 100% that they are my greatest investments. For them I love, I teach, I discipline, I lead, I clean (usually), I cook (meagerly), I load dishes and laundry machines. I snuggle. I squish their squishy faces.

But I do more than these things because I also believe that investment can lie outside of the boundaries of family. After all, I am more than a wife and mommy. I am a woman. I am a servant of God.

I ask, I seek, I pray, I offer.

During these last few weeks, God has definitely guided me in a certain direction that has filled me with excitement and expectation.

This is the rough version of how God spoke to me about talents over the last few weeks:

1. Use what you have. Take time and evaluate yourself - identify what you are good at, what you are not so good at. Be honest. If you're not sure, ask God to show you and He absolutely will. God made you the way He did for a reason and purpose and He longs to see you utilizing the traits He has placed within you.

Also, use what God has brought you through. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us..." (MSG).

There are reasons we cannot fathom for going through the dark days we go through; but often it is so that we can help others who need a hand in their own darkness. If God has brought you through something incredibly hard, it brings Him glory when you help someone else in a similar situation.

2. Invest yourself. Prayerfully, with consideration, but invest yourself. Get busy about the things that you are passionate about. Whatever gets you excited, whatever you find immense joy in - get busy! Passion doesn't just mean positive emotions either - whatever stirs up feelings of anger, indignation, or injustice - do something! Think outside the box and get creative. You don't have to just fill holes left empty by someone else.

Forget insecurity. Remember that God loves you and cling to that. Find rest in His deep, abiding love. Find your security not in what you can bring to the table, but in the God who has called you.

3. You don't need to use allllllll your gifts at one time. I believe that some gifts we have are for certain seasons of our lives. For example, I love to write and journal about what God is doing in my life. Sometimes I am able to whittle out some time to write, sometimes I am not. I just try to do it when I feel inspired, when I feel led.

Also, some of our gifts need to be honed and refined before we use them greatly. Take my handsome and hunky and bearded hubs; Matt is an amazingly gifted worship leader, but he refined his gift for years before God opened the door and said, "Now. Go."

There is much to be said for funneling all of your energies into one or two areas of service; if you spread yourself too thin, then you're probably not serving anywhere abundantly enough to matter. Bring it before God and ask. He loves to be asked (especially when we wait long enough to listen)!

4. Don't compare yourself to others who have similar giftings. There is only one you and God can best use you in the areas He has planned for you - no one else can matter in the way you matter. God has certain ministries, conversations, lives set up along the pathway He has for you. You need only to pay attention to Him and obey, so that you can walk in it.

Romans 12:6 says, "Let's just be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't" (MSG).

I read somewhere that when we compare ourselves to others, we wind up either disappointed or prideful. I, for one, don't wish to be either of those things. Does anybody?


Lastly....

Matt and I went to "Catching Fire" a few weeks ago. One really great aspect of that movie is comraderie and teamwork; every person had a skill that they used as their main weapon and helped to serve the greater purpose. Katniss - archery, Finnick - strength and coordination, Beetee - eccentric smarts, Johanna - axe, Peeta - camoflauge (oh Peeta....how boring).

They utilized other skills and traits, but they really leaned upon what they were innately good at.

I really think there is something to that. It is futile to try to fight the battle of life with weapons that are not a natural fit.

Seek God, ask Him which of your traits and abilities He can best use for His glory.

You will be amazed at what He can do with a a malleable lump of clay.

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." C.T. Studd

Unsafe Relationship

When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.

I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.

He was too friendly and nice to everybody.

I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

He was also too good-looking.

I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.

So what does God do?

He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.

I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.

He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.

He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.

Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.

Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......

Yeah, this was like that.

The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.

I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.

God wanted to give me more than just enough. 

I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never  had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.

God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.

I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.

God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability. 

I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.

Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."

As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.

Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."

Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.

God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.

Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.

My cup overflows.