Pretentious Manure

"Daddy always said an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure." (Steel Magnolias)

Last night in class, our professor asked us to do something very simple: write down our favorite book/movie/tv show. The purpose of this would be to highlight what we value and find meaningful through these things.

Immediately, in terms of books, two things pop in my head: "Les Miserables" and "Anne of Green Gables". Which to choose to share with the class? I truly did love "Les Miserables" when I read it - the message of transformation through an act of mercy is inspiring. But honestly? I haven't read it since. The thought of reading it again actually overwhelms me!

Then again, I have read "Anne of Green Gables" a hundred bajillion times. It is easy and enjoyable to read and it is dreamy, intelligent, romantic, idealized comfort food to me. I want to live on Prince Edward Island on a lush, green farm. Growing up, I always said that I wanted to marry Gilbert Blythe.

But of course, I say "Les Miserables" to my classmates. I give the pretentious answer. These classmates don't know me very well. To most of them, I am the quiet, older girl who isn't in the rest of their classes with them. While I long to be friendly with them, I have a hard time breaking the barrier of silence between us - especially because they all know each other so well. I am the outsider.

As the outsider, I have to make a good impression......right? What would they think of me if I tell them that my favorite book is "Anne of Green Gables"? That I admire her tenacity and positivity and ability to make every situation sunnier and lovelier? That I relate to her emotion and passion and dramatic breakdowns?

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

But as soon as the words "Les Miserables" pop out of my mouth, I know that I haven't been true to myself - as cheesy as that sounds. After all, the guy right before mentioned a book by John Steinbeck that I had never even heard of before. This is masters level, people! No kiddie books around here!

Hogwash.

Especially since the girls after me state that their favorite tv shows are "One Tree Hill" and "Big Bang Theory".

Suddenly, "Anne of Green Gables"? Not so elementary, my dear Watson.

No more pretense. What is so bad about laying the truth out there - in all of its nerdy little glory?

"I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted."

Embrace the things that you love, because you love them for good reason. They might inspire or ignite something in you; they might be comfortable or relatable; they might be aspirational or downright junk food for your mind.

Who cares?

And who knows? If I had given the honest answer, I may have just found a kindred spirit or two.

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."

Life Soundtrack

I almost always have music on during the day. I love to put my Ipod on "shuffle" because I enjoy not knowing what song is coming next. There is music on my Ipod that spans years of my musical tastes - everything from 80's love songs to boy band mania to country ridiculosity to fluffy Christian pop to current worship music. The Ipod shuffle feature is wonderful - bringing back memories with almost every song. Although I do believe that the shuffle has overestimated my affection for Air Supply. I really don't want to hear one of their songs every 19 minutes. 

Have you ever noticed the power of a song to bring you back to a particular place and time? I have thought of that a few times lately as I find myself making memories with Finn - dancing to music in the kitchen, the songs Matt and I sing to him, the way his world stops in its tracks when The Office or Parks and Recreation theme songs come on TV. 

This much I know: my son loves music. Granted, he doesn't have much choice in the matter, with how constantly he is inundated with music in his daily life. Even his nursery is a music theme!

 It is very sweet to watch his genuine excitement and fascination with guitars, drums, and piano. When I am on worship team and bring him to practice, he stares down everyone playing an instrument. And I can't help but wonder if his memory will be distinctly tied to the music that fills his life, because that is what so many of my own memories are tied to. 

For example: this song brings me right back to sitting in church listening to my mom and her singing group, "Gentle Praise". However cheesy it is, it gives me a happy, sappy feeling. 

Then there is this song - a winner if there ever was one. This is from the Chicago tape that our family would listen to relentlessly every time we would bake chocolate chip cookies - one of my all-time favorite childhood memories. That Chicago Greatest Hits tape saw a lot of mileage, as it also spurs many road trip memories! Was it the only tape we owned?

Speaking of road trips, we were coming back from one when I, as a little girl, first heard this song come on the radio. I remember it was nighttime and I sat in the backseat, staring forlornly out the window. I looked up at the stars and wondered if "somewhere out there", my future husband was listening to the same song and thinking of me. Ah, ever the romantic. Matt, did you ever stare out the window while listening to this song and wonder where I was? :)

These songs are all included in the soundtrack of my childhood, along with any song from "Annie" and the morning song my mom sang to wake us up: 

"The puppies are barking, the kitties are meowing

The birdies are singing, it's such a happy day!

The sun is shining, the grass is growing,

They all seem to say, 'Come out and play!'"

 There is also an unending array of songs that my siblings introduced me to.

This song reminds me of sleepovers in Missy's dorm at USF:

"Walking on Broken Glass" - Annie Lennox

This song reminds me of Matt going to their concert and his love for country music:

"Fishin' in the Dark" - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

This song reminds me of Kiki playing this song endlessly when she was in high school - she would play the tape, rewind it, play it again. And my naive mind would think - how does she always manage to find the right radio station that is playing that song??

"If I Ever Fall in Love" - Shai

This song reminds me of riding to school in Josh's black Nissan truck and we would actually belt this song out together - he would take the "Hey heys" and I would take the "Whoa-oh-ohs":

"Runaround Sue" - Dion and the Belmonts

It is phenomenal the way that music can evoke and invoke emotions.....long buried but deeply remaining.

And I cannot wait, as Finn gets older, to hear him look back on what songs evoke memories for him.

As long as it doesn't start in "Air" and end in "Supply".  

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

The movie "13 Going on 30" begins with Jennifer Garner's character at 13, desperately wishing to be 30 years old. Her character, Jenna, imagines that 30 is the pinnacle of supreme happiness, which is aided by a magazine article titled "Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving!". She imagines that at 30 she would have a glamorous job, a fabulous wardrobe, and a handsome boyfriend or two. Plus, as a bonus, she would no longer have to stuff her bra.

I remember watching this movie for the first time, thinking that all the things that she desired at 30 were pretty "meh". With 30 as such a big milestone, girls are prone to think about where they would like to be at that time in their lives. And at 30, I knew that all I wanted was to be married, have a child (or 2), and be happy. Except the wardrobe......I could be talked into the fabulous wardrobe  :).

As I hit said milestone this week, I embrace it completely, grateful for the blessings in my life and excited for the future.

I was reading another blog last week that had this idea to write a letter to yourself as a child, addressing some things you regret and wouldn't mind changing. I figured there was no better time than a milestone birthday to look back on my own life and write a letter to the little me.


Dear Little Gretchen,

Be nice to others. Remember that you do not need to be mean to make others like you or think that you are "cool". Always be kind to the girl who doesn't seem like she gets to shower enough and don't join in when your friends start to make fun of another. If you can find the courage, be the one that sticks up for those who can't stick up for themselves.

Always respect your mom. She will sacrifice a lot for you and it is because of her that you will one day be a strong and loving woman.

Your dad may not always love you the way that you wish he would. Love him the best that you can anyway.

Your siblings are some of the most amazing people you will ever know. Enjoy them and don't make them watch all of your dance routines.

Don't tattle on your brother. He deserves your loyalty because he looks out for you.

One day you will meet a girl named Chanelle who will prove to be the best friend you ever have. Try to always be kind to her and put her first, because she will put you first a lot. That is just the kind of person she is.

One day, almost overnight, you are going to turn from an outgoing kid into a shy adolescent. Try to find the courage to talk to others because the more you practice being outgoing - the easier it will become.

You won't always be cute:

You will go through a gangly hair, t-zone troubled, fashion challenged stage in early high school (photo unavailable). But don't feel bad about yourself. Just work what you got.
















Whatever you do, don't start rolling your eyes. It's a terrible habit to break, and it makes you look ridiculous.

When you are 14 years old, you will rededicate your life to God. This will change your life in many ways. Whatever you do, do not become self-righteous about the changes in your heart. This takes away from what Jesus did for you. God wants you to be gracious and merciful like He is; don't make others feel guilty for not having the same convictions that you do. Just love them.

As you grow up, you will face heartache several times. It is okay to hurt at these times. But don't waste too many tears or allow yourself to feel unlovely. There is an incredible guy that rejoices in marrying you one day.

I know you are dramatic, and that is okay. Drama is cool. But sometimes, your troubles just need a good cry, an honest prayer, and a shoulder to cry on......rather than a 5 alarm freak out.

When you turn 30, life is gooooooooooood.

Thank God.

Engage

I read this blog this morning that encouraged contentment through appreciating what you have right now. Today. This moment. It verified so much of what I have been feeling lately.

I started class again yesterday. It is my final semester of "normal" class, as next fall and spring get pretty crazy for me. That is when I have to start seeing clients, spend much more time away from home and my sweet boy, and ultimately do a 40 hour/week internship. Even thinking about all of it right now gets my stomach twisting in twenty different directions. It all just feels very...........overwhelming.

How will I get all of my hours in? What will my clients be like? Who will watch Finn? What will it be like to be away from him for so long during the day? What if I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day and can't give my best to him? You mean I actually have to counsel people?

These thoughts.......over and over and over again; trying to make sense of a time months and months away.

I slowly began to notice that as I was channeling Marty McFly and trying to live in the future by attempting to figure it all out, I was robbing today of whatever was right in front of me.

Days can be hectic, blissful, chaotic, lovely, demanding, delightful or a mixture of many things. But whatever my days were, I was missing it.

I have a terrible habit of trying to figure out the future before it happens. I want to be comfortable with it, to know that it is within my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34, NIV)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34, MSG)

The older I get, the more I am realizing that the time spent trying to figure out the future is literally time that is wasted. Clearly there is no predicting the future. I could get comfortable with what lies before me one moment when the next moment something comes along and totally derails that scenario.

But how to stop the mind from reeling and churning and grinding out those scenarios?

One word that keeps coming back to my mind is "engaged".

If I am truly engaged with this moment, I won't have available brain space to give to the future.

If I am reading a book to Finn, I won't be able to picture the clients I may be counseling in 6 months.
If I am participating in his quest to destroy the bathroom during bath time, I won't be able to ruminate on who might baby-sit him during my internship.
If I am actively listening to my husband select songs for worship on Sunday, I won't be lost in ponderation about my student loan bill.

Looking back on my life and how faithful God has been to make sure that every little piece of the puzzle fits into the right spot.........how can I still look into the future with anxiety about how things will work and fit together? I need only to look behind me and see His faithfulness to be able to look ahead of me and believe He will remain faithful.

There is a beautiful scene in "The Shack" (controversial book, I know!), where Mack and Jesus are having a conversation about fear. Over the years since I have read the book, this scene has remained with me:

"Tell me what you are afraid of, Mack."
"Well, let me see. What am I afraid of? Well, I am afraid of looking like an idiot. I am afraid that you are making fun of me and that I will sink like a rock. I imagine that - "


"Exactly. You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"
"Well, I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?"


"Relax, Mack; this is not a test, it's a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
"I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."


"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always indicated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
"Why do I do that?"


"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."
"So why do I have so much fear in my life?"


"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."
"I have so far to go."


Me too, Mack, me too.

If God presides in this present moment, then that is where I want to be.

Steppin' Out with My Baby

There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!

My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.

Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.

I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!

Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.

With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.

Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.

Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,

"It doesn't have to make sense."

Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!

"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)

Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.

God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!

Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.

What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?

 Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.

Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.

 We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.

So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.

What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.

All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).

Weany Weeny

*Sigh*

Tonight is the first night that I have not nursed my son since his birth. And it is hard. I have missed holding him close............stroking his hair.................I even miss him slapping at and pinching me. I already miss the nearness of nursing. I am a weany weeny.

But there were a few things today that highlighted that it was time. I have been thinking about weaning him completely for about a week now. After all, he is over 13 months old, and most women (from what I have read) nurse until about a year. After all, I don't want to keep nursing him just because it is difficult for me to give it up.

Today was it.

- I worked for a few hours today and when I picked Finn up from my mom's, she was holding him and I was taken aback by how big he looked! Granted, my mom is teeny tiny so most things look big next to her. But boy my boy looked big.

- He has been in a great mood all evening long. Whereas yesterday evening, he started following me around and crying/fussing at about 8:30 (half hour before his nursing - he was ready!), tonight he played happily for the most part. When he would get a bit fussy, I would give him some milk and distract him with a story. Plus, the ultimate distraction came over......which leads to my next reason:

- My mom asked if she could come over tonight and bring Finn a couple of things. Like a beacon of confirmation, she brought him a new blanket that she had made for him and a "sleep giraffe", which is essentially a snuggly giraffe with a noise machine tucked inside.

Snuggly tuddly with his new "lovey" blanket and giraffe pal

Every day Finn gets closer to being a toddler and further away from being a baby. And while it is definitely bittersweet that I am done nursing my boy, it has been a gift while it lasted. I cannot wait for the next phase of motherhood; so tonight is not about mourning what is past but rather looking excitedly toward the steps to come.

And, God willing, there will be more babies to nurse in the future :).

Random Notes

Ahhhh, vacation. I have been watching many movies, spending quality time with my new friend, Pinterest, and have decided to finally read The Chronicles of Narnia.

I finished "The Magician's Nephew" a couple of days ago and as I have proceeded through the series, my thoughts keep coming back to one tiny part in that book that seemed fairly insignificant at the time it was read.

Digory, the main character, has been sent on a mission with his friend, Polly, and a horse named Fledge, in order to retrieve an apple from a specific tree for Aslan. It is in the midst of this short journey that Digory says, "Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,". Fledge, the talking horse (a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course....) responds by saying that he is sure Aslan would have, if they had asked him. Polly, aware of Aslan's great knowledge, suggests that "Wouldn't he know without being asked?"

The horse, full of wisdom, says simply, "I've no doubt he would. But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."

Since I read that passage, I have been looking at the prayers I pray from a different standpoint. There are some that I leave unspoken and there are times that I desist from praying because well, God is God and surely He already knows. Yeah, I can be lazy.

But isn't it true that He likes to be asked? He likes it when we come to Him for what we need. He doesn't have to be ask in order to know our needs, but when we do come to Him it builds the relationship that He so longs to have with each of us.

So the past few days, each time an anxiety or need creeps into my brain, I hear, "I've sort of the idea he likes to be asked". So, I ask. I come.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 MSG)

A beautiful new song I heard for the first time today. Come!

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On an entirely different note, tonight I was teasing my husband. Sometimes I get actively passive aggressive (yep, actively passive!) with my teasing. For example, if he tells me that he really likes my shirt, I will tease him and say, "So you don't really like my pants?".

I know, I'm such a girl.

Tonight, it centered around my looks. And I could hear myself saying bad things about myself to him just to get a reaction. But I couldn't seem to stop pushing the matter. Maybe I was looking for him to tease me back and flirt; maybe I was looking for a compliment. I really couldn't tell you.

Suddenly, he stopped me cold with, "How does God see you?"

I'm pretty sure my breath caught in my throat as the negative things I had been saying about myself - joking or not - hung in the air between us. Actual tears came to my eyes as I felt convicted because I know that the way I was picking myself apart is not what God does when He looks at me. He looks at me through eyes of grace and mercy. He looks at me with love. He looks at me and finds me beautiful, even when I feel far from it.

I hope to remember that moment when my husband corrected me the next time I feel the urge to say something bad about myself.

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On another, totally different, completely distinct, not even a little bit related note:

I made my first meal from Pinterest tonight.

And it was gooooooooooooooooooood.

I think the Crockpot will be my friend.