Steppin' Out with My Baby

There is exciting news on the Fjerkenstad home front!

My husband has accepted the position of worship leader at our church, Sioux Falls First.

Taking this job means many things. It means that a desire of Matt's heart has been heard and filled. It means that he will be able to use the gifts and talents he has been given fully. It means that my husband now works at the church I grew up in. In many ways, honestly, it is a dream fulfilled for me too. Not only because Matt's dreams are my dreams, but because I love my church and I always have.

I remember my best friend, Chanelle, and I used to dream when we were in high school that we would get married and our husbands would work at the church. Back then, I believe that I was going to marry a youth pastor and she was going to marry a children's pastor. But that was not all! We had also assigned roles to our family members: I believe her sister Holly and her husband, Ray, would be the pastors and my sister Kiki and her husband, Matt, would be the college pastors. There was more but the details are a bit muddy!

Obviously, life did not turn out the way that we planned. The cool part of it is that although our lives are different than what we dreamily wrote down on paper 10+ years ago, it is amazing to see how God has fulfilled those desires in our hearts - just in different ways. Shoooo-eeee, God is good.

With the excitement of this opportunity, there also come many unknowns. There are times that I can get caught up in the Land of the Unknown and get tangled trying to figure out how things will work themselves out.

Such is what happened last Friday night. Throughout the course of the day, my mind had been turning and spinning trying to come to a place of peace concerning our family's financial situation. I felt a myriad of different emotions as I tried to process: guilt over not contributing more financially, bitterness over my undergraduate debt, doubt over whether I should continue my graduate degree.

Along with all of these feelings, I tried over and over again to come to a solution that would give ease to my mind. Then suddenly, almost as clear as some saying it aloud to me, I heard,

"It doesn't have to make sense."

Immediately, the burden on my mind was lifted and I'm pretty sure I even smiled because I was reminded that God's will doesn't have to make sense! In fact, He gets more glory when things DON'T make sense but work out anyway!

"'I don't think the way you think. The way you work isn't the way I work.' God's Decree. 'For as the sky soars high above earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.'" Isaiah 55:8-9 (MSG)

Take Gideon in Judges 7. God kept ordering away hordes of his army until Gideon was left with a paltry 300 men versus the 135,000 Midianite army.

God didn't do this to screw Gideon over or to mess with him. He did it so that He Himself would get the glory from the victory. And they were victorious!

Because Gideon was obedient and trusted God, God gave the victory against enormous odds. Indeed, God's ways often don't make sense.

What do we do when we come to the end of our common sense and we are not sure how the battle will be won or the bills will be paid?

 Trust. We call upon His promises to never leave us or forsake us, and we trust.

Our whole purpose on earth is to love others, love God, and bring God glory. God gets the glory when we trust Him against insurmountable odds.

 We step out in faith, confident that as we step, the path will be laid out before us.

So we Fjerkenstads are stepping out, sure that this is what God has for us. We know that God has led us to this place at this time for a specific reason.

What's the old adage: "Where God guides, God provides"? Yeah, we're counting on that.

All of this "stepping out" talk has dunked this song in my head and now I can't get it out......so it is only fair to share :).

Weany Weeny

*Sigh*

Tonight is the first night that I have not nursed my son since his birth. And it is hard. I have missed holding him close............stroking his hair.................I even miss him slapping at and pinching me. I already miss the nearness of nursing. I am a weany weeny.

But there were a few things today that highlighted that it was time. I have been thinking about weaning him completely for about a week now. After all, he is over 13 months old, and most women (from what I have read) nurse until about a year. After all, I don't want to keep nursing him just because it is difficult for me to give it up.

Today was it.

- I worked for a few hours today and when I picked Finn up from my mom's, she was holding him and I was taken aback by how big he looked! Granted, my mom is teeny tiny so most things look big next to her. But boy my boy looked big.

- He has been in a great mood all evening long. Whereas yesterday evening, he started following me around and crying/fussing at about 8:30 (half hour before his nursing - he was ready!), tonight he played happily for the most part. When he would get a bit fussy, I would give him some milk and distract him with a story. Plus, the ultimate distraction came over......which leads to my next reason:

- My mom asked if she could come over tonight and bring Finn a couple of things. Like a beacon of confirmation, she brought him a new blanket that she had made for him and a "sleep giraffe", which is essentially a snuggly giraffe with a noise machine tucked inside.

Snuggly tuddly with his new "lovey" blanket and giraffe pal

Every day Finn gets closer to being a toddler and further away from being a baby. And while it is definitely bittersweet that I am done nursing my boy, it has been a gift while it lasted. I cannot wait for the next phase of motherhood; so tonight is not about mourning what is past but rather looking excitedly toward the steps to come.

And, God willing, there will be more babies to nurse in the future :).

Random Notes

Ahhhh, vacation. I have been watching many movies, spending quality time with my new friend, Pinterest, and have decided to finally read The Chronicles of Narnia.

I finished "The Magician's Nephew" a couple of days ago and as I have proceeded through the series, my thoughts keep coming back to one tiny part in that book that seemed fairly insignificant at the time it was read.

Digory, the main character, has been sent on a mission with his friend, Polly, and a horse named Fledge, in order to retrieve an apple from a specific tree for Aslan. It is in the midst of this short journey that Digory says, "Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,". Fledge, the talking horse (a horse is a horse of course of course and no one can talk to a horse of course....) responds by saying that he is sure Aslan would have, if they had asked him. Polly, aware of Aslan's great knowledge, suggests that "Wouldn't he know without being asked?"

The horse, full of wisdom, says simply, "I've no doubt he would. But I've a sort of idea he likes to be asked."

Since I read that passage, I have been looking at the prayers I pray from a different standpoint. There are some that I leave unspoken and there are times that I desist from praying because well, God is God and surely He already knows. Yeah, I can be lazy.

But isn't it true that He likes to be asked? He likes it when we come to Him for what we need. He doesn't have to be ask in order to know our needs, but when we do come to Him it builds the relationship that He so longs to have with each of us.

So the past few days, each time an anxiety or need creeps into my brain, I hear, "I've sort of the idea he likes to be asked". So, I ask. I come.

"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." (Philippians 4:6-7 MSG)

A beautiful new song I heard for the first time today. Come!

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On an entirely different note, tonight I was teasing my husband. Sometimes I get actively passive aggressive (yep, actively passive!) with my teasing. For example, if he tells me that he really likes my shirt, I will tease him and say, "So you don't really like my pants?".

I know, I'm such a girl.

Tonight, it centered around my looks. And I could hear myself saying bad things about myself to him just to get a reaction. But I couldn't seem to stop pushing the matter. Maybe I was looking for him to tease me back and flirt; maybe I was looking for a compliment. I really couldn't tell you.

Suddenly, he stopped me cold with, "How does God see you?"

I'm pretty sure my breath caught in my throat as the negative things I had been saying about myself - joking or not - hung in the air between us. Actual tears came to my eyes as I felt convicted because I know that the way I was picking myself apart is not what God does when He looks at me. He looks at me through eyes of grace and mercy. He looks at me with love. He looks at me and finds me beautiful, even when I feel far from it.

I hope to remember that moment when my husband corrected me the next time I feel the urge to say something bad about myself.

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On another, totally different, completely distinct, not even a little bit related note:

I made my first meal from Pinterest tonight.

And it was gooooooooooooooooooood.

I think the Crockpot will be my friend.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany tonight as I walked into my tiny kitchen to stir my dinner of bean and bacon soup. I stepped over my husband's legs and my son's toys as Pinners whimpered after me.

And I thought, simply, 'Life is good'. I picked up the spoon, stirred, and smiled into the wall as I had a sense of overflowing joy for the blessings in my life. Such an average night; such a random moment; such a wondrous realization.

This realization hit me at a place where I have been worried about the future and its unknown murkiness.

Suddenly, like an actual lightbulb sparking above my head, it hit me that God is the One gracious enough to bring me to this place of contentment, joy, life.

Will He not continue to care for us and lavish us with love and good things?

It may not be the way that I suspect or would choose for it to go, but it will be good.

If only because He goes with me.

Christmas Recovery

As a self-proclaimed holiday lover, is it okay to say, here at the end of the season................phew!?

This has been a wonderful Thanksgiving/Christmas/holiday conglomeration. But it feels like life has been in super-powered Flash speed (that one is for you, Matt!) since mid-November. Some favorite moments from the past few weeks include (but are not limited to):

* Watching this:

* Picking out the 2011 family tree:

* Getting an 'A' in Appraisal

* More time to sing with that bearded guy on the right:

* Christmas Eve dinner at Rentschler's with Missy and Bruce

* Jake's Pizza with the Fjerkenstads.....even if we couldn't eat it there!

* Laughing through Dutch Blitz with Matt, Ann and Nate

With all of these amazing memories, it is hard to admit that I am glad that it is all over. But as I sit here with the Christmas tree lit up for one of the last times, with my husband on the couch beside me; with Pizza Hut in my belly and having finally had time to watch "Crazy, Stupid, Love", which I have been wanting to see for months, I can honestly say PHEW! 

We are blessed that Matt has the next week off. With the past few months of Matt filling in as interim worship leader, our quality time has been dwindled. That hasn't been easy for this quality time love language girl. But having the next few days stretch before us blissfully unscheduled (for the most part), is a gift of great value - greater than any Christmas gift received this year for certain. 

And as this year inches towards its conclusion and a new one dawns, it is humbling and exciting and a bit terrifying to admit that I have no idea what it will hold.

But some things will be definite in the coming year: there are decisions to be made and prayers to be prayed. There are hugs and kisses to give and apologies to be made. There are trials to enjoy and joys to savor. There are literally thousands of reasons to be thankful. 

This past year has been one of the most amazing of my entire life. 

I can't wait to see what lies on the horizon of this new year! 

Stair Climbing

Over the past few weeks, we have been spending a lot of extra time at my mom and step-dad's house. First Kiki and Matt and their boys came, then Josh and Taty; now Missy and Bruce have arrived in town. Let me just say that I love my mom's house. It is home; my mom has this uncanny ability to make any place that she is "home". It didn't matter how many times we got moved from house to house - even up to Alaska - wherever my mom was was home. My mom is an exceptional home-maker.

With that being said, watching my curious, energetic boy at my mom's house has become a genuine workout. He's into everything and just wants to be free to explore. Last night, Missy was watching him for a few minutes and came upstairs to where my mom and I were, plopped down and said, "I'm exhausted!"

Of course, Finn's favorite thing to do at my mom and step-dad's house is to go up and down the stairs. They have two separate staircases, so when he gets tired of one he moves on to the next.

Up and down. Up and down. Up and down.

And so whoever is on Finn duty obligingly trudges up and down with him.

Last night, it was my honor. He has recently learned how to scoot himself down the stairs, so that is his new fascination.

As his spotter, I never took my eyes of Finn, lest I do and he slips at that moment.
I let Finn explore and have fun with his trips up and down the stairs, but I do stay right near him, within arm's distance, and stand between him and a serious tumble. True, Finn is only 1 year old so there are times when he gets distracted and loses his focus and slips. But then my arm is there to steady him; and rather than facing a terrible end at the bottom of the stairs, he may come away with a carpet scrape, but wholly intact and healthy.

As I stood there spotting him and thinking of these things (yes, these thoughts really swarm around in my head), it became a clear picture to me of how God takes care of me. When I slip and lose my focus, God's hand is right there to steady me and get me back on track. Although I have attempted to move too fast and have made mistakes, because God stood between me and destruction, all I came away with were some scrapes and bruises. God never takes his eyes off of me, lest I should I fall.

When I help Finn down the stairs, do I allow some room for him to slip? Yes, because I want him to learn from his mistakes and correct it the next time, or the next time, or the next time.

But I do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn't seriously harm himself in the process, because I love him so much that my heart wants to explode sometimes when I just look at him.

I love him. I don't want him to get hurt but I do want him to learn. And that is why I am right there to help him, to catch him.

Psalm 94:18 "When I said, 'My foot is slipping', your love, O Lord, supported me."

1 Peter 5:7 "Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." (MSG)

More

This post is very personal for me and not always easy to talk about. I think that is because I still feel some shame when I look back at this time in my life.

With that said...

A couple of years ago, I was going through a very hard time. Without delving into too many specifics, it had to do with sleep - or lack thereof. Here is a little about that journey: https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=96024931778.

This trial, which started so small, quickly spiraled out of control for me. To many people, losing some sleep is not a huge deal. To me, it caused my life to get completely knocked off balance.  Essentially, I walked around all day, every day with a knot in my stomach, a burden on my shoulders, and a literal anxious pain in my heart. Though there were times of brief reprieve, it was fairly continuous for months and months. I look back at pictures from that time and I can still see a vacant expression on my face because most likely when the picture was taken, I was thinking about whether or not I would sleep well that night.

It was one of the toughest times that I have personally gone through and I think that one of the things that made it so difficult was that I felt all alone in it. Matt was a wonderful support during this time, often just holding me when the anxiety became too much for me, but the anxiety remained all mine to deal with.

There were brief conversations of putting me on meds to help me deal with my anxiety or sleeping pills to make sure that I slept.

None of these things seemed like the answer to me. I don't denounce the help that these things can bring, but to me it just seemed like I would be digging myself a bigger and bigger hole. I chose not to pursue those avenues and clung to God, His love, and His promise to take care of my needs. Even when it seemed as though my prayers were being met with silence, I had to keep trusting that God loved me and had good plans for me.

But the journey out of that space was long and tough. There were many times that I didn't think it would ever end. There were moments when I felt like it took everything in me to clutch tightly to God and my belief in His goodness. And at those moments, there was one song in particular that would come to my mind. It was an old song that I remember singing in church when I was younger and it is amazingly simple:

"I need You more, more than yesterday.
I need You more, more than words can say.
I need You more than ever before.
I need You Lord, I need You Lord.


More than the air I breathe, more than the song I sing,
More than the next heartbeat, more than anything.
And Lord, as time goes by I will be by Your side.
Because I never want to go back to my old life."

I would be driving in my car and trying to find the words to pray but they wouldn't come. My mind was circling the toilet of anxious thoughts, but this song would still break through. In the very deepest part of my being, beneath the layers of anxiety that just seemed to be getter thicker with each day, I knew that all I really needed was more of Jesus. Meds and sleeping pills were not the answer for me. For me, I needed more and more and more and more of Him who holds my very life in His hands.

Indeed, there are times when no words are sufficient and no human support is steady or sturdy enough. But if we can find an iota of strength to call out for more, more, more of Jesus, then the dark times cannot last forever.

Pretty, flowery prayers are all well and good. But sometimes, all God needs to hear is that we want more of Him.

Sometimes, one word is enough. More.

We are going to be singing this song again in church soon, and my prayer is that its simplicity would be a reminder of all that really matters in the chaos and confusion of this broken world.

From the other side of a life-changing trial, I say with all certainty that there is power and hope in the name of Jesus. Getting more and more and more of Him is all that saved me from a life of constant anxiety. Getting more and more and more of Him is the hope that I have for the future.

And the honest truth is I still don't sleep perfectly every night. But because I know God deeper than I did before, it is 9 gazillion times easier for me to relax and rest in His care of me.

In any trial or confusion, the answer is always more of Jesus.