Errr.....Awkward Pause

I hate awkward pauses. I think that is the primary reason that I am not a fan of small talk.

"How are you?"
"Good! How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Err....ummmm.....uhhhhhh. "

.........................awkward.................................pause.

"Okay then! See you later!"

But really I think I hate it because I am not very good at it, unlike my husband who I have always said could have a conversation with a wall:

"Hey wall! How are you? I like your paint! You're pretty sturdy! Say hello to your mother for me, alright?"

I often don't initiate conversation with others unless I can mentally note about 5 conversation topics should the awkward pause rear its ugly head. Its really that bad for this introverted, shy, clumsy girl.

As I was driving down to Vermillion yesterday for class, I was praying for my family and it hit me that sometimes life feels like one, long awkward pause. It is as though we are always in a state of paused waiting....waiting to graduate college, waiting to find "the one", waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the big job. Waiting for the answer to our prayers.

And I think that if I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that as soon as God answers one of my prayers, it isn't long before I delve back into longing for something. Therefore, life as one long pause.

I began thinking about those who lived in a state of pause in the Bible:
Abraham - waiting for the promised child
Moses - waiting for entrance into the promised land
Joseph - waiting through imprisonment for his chance to save his people
Esther - waiting many months to be the king's choice

Life is waiting. And there is so much that needs to be experienced in the pauses. I read this morning in Streams in the Desert:

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music...Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God himself will count the time for us." - John Ruskin

I often find that when God is really trying to drive a point home to me, he is very consistent in what He shows me. Hence, my thoughts of living in the pauses of life on my way to class last night. Hence, reading this this morning:

"Like the faith diggers do every day, we bury our swollen prayers in Him who's raised from the tomb. We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good. Good always necessitates long waiting....this waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God." - Ann Voskamp

There is much to be experienced in the pauses of life. We are not to doubt or manipulate to get what we want in order to have some facade of control. Rather, we are to trust in God despite the circumstances. Real faith overflows in us when we choose to trust God even in the long moments of waiting, when He hits the "Pause" button on our tape deck (yes, tape deck!)

One of my favorite songs says, "When the suffering's all that I see, may I walk with you by faith and not by sight." (The Father's Heart-Hillsong).

My faith comes to full fruition when I choose to trust even when I do not understand. God hasn't promised that I would always understand; but He did promise to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

I remember when I was swollen in pregnancy with Finn and I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. There were some moments when I literally didn't think that I could wait any longer. And in a moment of great need, I randomly found this verse tucked into one of my old planners:

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right - everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones" (Isaiah 30:18 MSG).

That verse spoke to me everything I needed to hear in that moment and a few days later, my sweet boy was in my arms.

My mom is well aware of the pauses that we feel like we are living in. As she was reading the Word this past weekend, she sent me Habukkuk 2:3 and felt that it was to be our family's promise during this time:

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

Though it linger, wait for it. Though the pause is awkward and uncomfortable, know it won't last forever. Though the music tarries, enjoy the rest in full confidence of the next note.