Slippery Footing

Sometimes it is hard to find our footing.

That's how I have been feeling lately. It seems as though tragedy abounds around me. I hear about tragic circumstances and situations every day. There are families losing loved ones and people facing suffering on a scale that is nearly impossible to bear.

It is heartbreaking.
It is heart-rending.
It is so easy to get discouraged.

Here in the middle of my internship, I have felt myself hitting an emotional wall. On top of all of the sad situations surrounding my peripheral vision, I feel an utter draining of my inner strength. I can't positive self-talk my way through my days, and the only thing that has been sustaining me is God.

I broke down the other night to Matt and confessed that I am not sure if I could make it through the rest of the semester. I am just so tired. One day ends and another begins and I have no strength to give to it.

Whether I am talking about outer circumstances or inner feelings, sometimes the pain in this world can seem overwhelming.

It is so easy to ask, "Where were you, God? Where are you? Why did you allow it to happen this way?"

The world is dark and broken. Sometimes we get sucked into that before we are even aware.

I look at my son and sometimes envy his ability to be carefree. He runs around with sparkling eyes, interested and fascinated by the world around him. He has arms to run into when he cries and he has faces that smile back at him. He hears "I love you" whispered into his ear on a nearly hourly basis.

He too lives in this dark, broken world but he faces each day with unabashed ferocity and enthusiasm. To Finn, this world is meant to be explored, enjoyed, welcomed with open arms. He has no ability to understand how heavy the world can seem. He has experienced pain and he knows that he does not always get his way, but he does not carry a burden of that pain or disappointment.

He knows he is cared for. He knows his needs will be met. He knows there is good to be discovered.

When the tough questions come fast and hard and we cannot find our footing in day-to-day living, how do we find that childhood simplicity that allows us to release these burdens that weigh us down?

It is a lesson that I am still learning.....but I think that release is the key term in that question.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest (I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls). 

Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

For my yoke is wholesome (useful - good, not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious,  and pleasant), and my burden is light and easy to be borne." Matthew 11:28-30 (AMP)

We come and release our load, we run into the open arms when we're crying. We receive rest. We release ourselves into His will, knowing that we are loved beyond our wildest comprehension.

When we lose sight of the wild love of God, we falter and question and doubt His goodness.

Father God, may I keep my eyes fixed upon You and Your love for me. May I not allow the darkness of this world to blind and paralyze me. May Your light shine into this darkness around me and through me.

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy." Psalm 94:18-19

Inconvenient Interruptions

Oh my little bloggy blog, how I have missed you!

Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)

However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.

I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.

But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.

Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.

I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.

I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.

I begin to angry clean my kitchen.

"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"

My emotions were running away like a freight train.

Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.

Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.

I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"

My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.

A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.

Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?

30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.

It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.

I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.

It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.

Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.

God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.

God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.

Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.

When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.

The Next Chapter

I was vacuuming the other day and as I pushed back and forth, Finn ran maniacally from room to room. He was certain that no matter where he ran, the vacuum was coming for him.

It was pretty stinkin' cute.

However, the longer I vacuumed, the closer he would allow it to get to him. His fear of it slowly ebbed away as he realized that it was not, in fact, eating him.

By the time I was finishing up, Finn was coming close enough to play with the cord and even danced with it.

The closer he got to that which was making him afraid, the smaller his fear became. Had he continued to run from the vacuum, he never would have realized that the vacuum was no cause for fear.

In fact, vacuums are kind of fun! Which he did realize, once I shut it off and was rolling it in the closet: he hopped on and wanted a ride!

Funny boy :).

I have been reminding myself of that today, as the monstrosity of internship looms closer and I feel the beginning butterflies of fear.

Fear of the unknown, fear of not being with Finn all day 5 days a week, fear of failure.

But I move forward.......moving towards my fear. I know that if I should choose to run from it, I would never conquer it and it would in turn conquer me. If I ran from it, I would never realize that there is nothing to fear.

Rather, I move forward, despite the fear, believing there are beautiful things ahead.

"My son, when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know. Do you believe that? To the degree you believe that, you're going to have peace. And if you don't believe it, you don't have peace." Timothy Keller

Worth the Wait

I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.

I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.

Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.

When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!

But God loves surprises.

I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.

Because I was obedient, I was blessed.

Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.

I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.

Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.

But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.

I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."


After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far. 


Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?


Maybe. 


But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special. 


I still see the man that I know God meant for me. 


I still know that I am crazy blessed. 


It was worth the wait. 

Slapping Perfection

Personal goals: good or bad?

When I began my graduate school program 20 years ago in 2007, I set for myself a personal goal to graduate with a 4.0.

There was no particular reason for this, other than to prove to myself that I could do it. My mom, in her graduate program, graduated with a 4.0, so the most I can gather is that I set this goal for myself because I want to be as cool as my mom.

This semester, as many of you may know, has been extremely difficult for me. On top of taking two classes, I have been seeing clients for the first time in my life, spending one day a week at a school in Harrisburg, and preparing for and taking my comprehensive exams.

At this point, all that I can say is UFDA.

At the end of this semester, one could hypothesize that simply making it through with my faculties fully intact would be enough.

Hmmmm......but then there was that pesky personal goal that I set for myself.

My goal has been endangered for the greater part of the semester, as I was not securing as high of grades as I am used to in one of my classes.

This last week, my grade was teetering precariously between A and B and I had to force myself to face the reality that I may very well get my first B in the program.

Was I okay with a B? Could I still be proud of myself with a B? Would I forever look back on my life with this failed personal goal as a stain on my masters degree?

I pep-talked myself until I was sick of my own inner voice: "Perfection is boring, Gretchen!", "Only God can offer perfection, Gretchen!", "You are still a good student with a B on your record, Gretchen!", "You are blessed in every single way, Gretchen - knock it off!"

I even had a friend in the program who repeatedly chanted to me this week: "I'd prefer an A, but I'm okay with a B". Counselors can be so annoying :).

All of this was not working with me. I had to face the inner demon of perfectionism and we fought all week.

And then, miraculously, I forgot about the situation for a couple of days.

Things came to a head today when my last assignment grade was entered. I added up all of my assignments and realized that I had received a .949 (one needs a 95% for an A). I festered, I maybe cried a little bit, I did further calculations that proved that a mere half point more on any assignment would have pushed me over .95.

Was a half point really going to end my goal of 4.0? In my last class in my last semester of classes? Really?!

After stewing about it over lunch with my family, I decided to email my professor. I danced around the real issue in the email, but what I was really asking was "Will you round up? Oh please round up?!"

Then...........I took a bath and removed myself from watching my computer for a response. And I felt a peace float to the top of emotions.

This peace was not the result of trying to reason or argue with myself that getting a B wouldn't bother me. After all, I'd been trying that all week and it was not working.

It was truly a gift from God; I surrendered - seriously - the final result of this class.

This all served as a much needed reminder of how much I cannot do for myself. I can't bring myself peace and I can't slap perfection in the face by myself; I need the mighty hand of God for that.

As a person plagued with insecurity, I also can't be okay with my insecurities by myself (which is really what perfectionism is about for me). For that, I need to trust in what God says about me and give THAT precedence in my life.

Two hours later, I heard back from my professor......

and she rounded up.

Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve this goal this semester, because I know I did not do it alone:

- My amazingly supportive husband, who loves me and calls me smart and beautiful when I feel far from it.
- My amazingly supportive mother, who serves as a wonderful role model for me and who helped us indescribably with Finn.
- Matt's bosses, Quentin and Dianne, who were lenient with his schedule to make room for mine, which  further held us up these last few months.
- Kiki and Chanelle who served as endless sounding boards.....Kiki sent me a text early in the semester that said, "You got this" and I repeated that to myself often. Chanelle gave me a necklace that I would wear into my sessions that served as a reminder of who God made me to be.
- My awesome in-laws, Dave and Lynette, who provided help with Finn and other support which alleviated so much semester stress for both me and Matt.

I end this day thankful. Thankful, yes for the survival of my goal, but more so for this blessed life I get to lead. My insecurities tell me that I don't deserve it, but God gives it all anyway.

To Him be the glory.

Lately

I have not had much time to sit around and ponder my usual "ponderances" lately. Life is good and busy. It is busy AND it is good.

I daily operate from a position of knowing I cannot do this on my own. This means that every day I need to take a step of faith into the belief that I am doing what God has called me to do and that He will provide as I follow Him forward.

Every day I need to drop my insecurities and rely on what God says about me. Every day I need to call on His strength and wisdom to make it to bedtime successfully. Every day I need to remember the purpose of these sacrifices and the reality of His calling.

Neediness is not a bad position to be in with God. He has provided for me in amazing ways this last month. I get giddy even thinking of His faithfulness.

True, there are times when I feel like I am hanging by a thread. It is almost like I am living in a state of constant stress....I am in a pattern of stressful homeostasis. It doesn't take much to descend into the place  where the tears flow freely and the ugly cry reigns supreme.

Just ask my husband :).

But each ugly cry is met with a new morning and new victories given by God.

This song has been the cry of my heart lately and I can't stop listening to it. It is a reminder of all things important.

Busy Blessed

I am not a person who loves to be busy. I like my down time; one could argue that I NEED my down time. I'm a nicer person when I get some down time.

These next few months however, do not allow for a whole lot of down time. I am straight-up-now-tell-me busy.

And don't get me wrong - I am actually having a lot of fun! This fun in the midst of the busy, often frantic feeling verifies that I am in the center of God's will for my life and that I have not misunderstood what He wants for me. Even when things are storming around me, I feel a peace that I am in the right place.

That feels goooooooood.

But I am busier than I have been in awhile. The word bursting comes to mind - my life is bursting with good things.

There are times when I am tempted to feel sorry for myself and to wish time away - I just want to graduate already!!!!

But then God slaps me in the face with perspective.

I just read a blog entry from a mom whose precious son was taken from her one year ago.

As I read, tears flooded my eyes and I clutched Finn close to me as he sat on my lap watching Yo Gabba Gabba.  I cherished the moment that I had with him.

And the simple truth hit me: I am not too busy; I am just really blessed.

I am blessed to get to finish my masters degree.
I am blessed to have the most amazing support system that supports and helps in whatever ways they can.
I am blessed to have a son whom I miss (a lot) when I am not with him.
I am blessed to study, attend class, practice working in a school, support my husband in his ministry by working with our young adults, develop dramas for our church, and have friends to fit in between all the cracks.

There's no bad here.

In the first few lines of the perspective-giving blog I read, the writer states, "A few weeks ago I thought my biggest problem in the world was that I’d gained 10 lbs over the summer. I may have mentioned it to you here a time or three. But as you know, everything has changed:"

My seeming problems are not problems at all; at least, not compared to what others are going through. 

I am BLESSED and may I never forget it.