Carrying Rocks

Finn is all boy! He dumps dirt on his head, tackles his cousins, and he loves to eat.

One of his favorite things to play with are rocks.

He tosses them, holds them, and if I'm not watching closely enough, will suck on them.

Today, we were outside playing for a bit and he picks up two rocks - one for each hand.

Then, naturally, he wants to walk around our house on the landscaping ledge that keeps our rocks contained.

I took his hand to steady him, because he can't walk it by himself yet without falling off.

Since he had rocks in each hand, I had to wrap my hand around his, which did not feel totally secure.

As we are walking, I thought of how if he would just drop the rocks, I could grab his hand in a much more secure way. Then his slips wouldn't be as frequent or pronounced. He would have a better grip on me.

But either way, I won't let go of his hand.

And as I am prone to do, I compared this realization with my relationship with God.

He holds my hand along the path that I walk.

But there times when I cling tightly to burdens, or rocks, that serve no purpose other than to weigh me down or slow me down.

If I would but drop these burdens, I could cling tighter to my Heavenly Father's hand.

Clinging tightly to His hand means fewer slips, better balance, and a lighter weight.

But either way, He won't let go of my hand.

In Worship

Well, my latest blog was kind of an emotional dud. 

I process my feelings very much while I write and that sometimes means that I don't have it all together or have anything figured out when I type. 

It definitely felt a little topsy turvy to me. 

And that's okay. I'm topsy turvy sometimes. 

Sometimes faith is a fight and I think that post reflects that. 

But there are some aspects of my faith that are less of a struggle and more natural to me. 

Worship is like that for me. It is illuminating and strengthening. 

When I worship, I feel as though I am doing what I am called to do - whether or not I have a mic in my hands.

When I worship, things between me and God are in their proper position. He is high and exalted and I am not. I am reveling in His beauty and power and grace. 

A few years ago, Matt was doing an internship at a church in town. A lady came in, receiving a tour. When she realized who he was and who he was married to, she told him that she knew my family quite well back in the day because she had been friends with my sister, Missy. She told Matt that the last memory that she had of me was riding my tricycle and singing loudly to Jesus. When my brother, Matt, told me that I was annoying the neighbors, I told them that at least I was annoying them for Jesus! 

I have loved Jesus for as long as I can remember, and worship is a main way that I get to pour that out.

Worship is even what brought me and my husband together (well, worship and Saved By the Bell), and I LOVE that. 

I remember as a little girl sitting in the front row at church, I raised my hands in worship with gusto. I then peeked out of the corner of my eye to see 2 older girls pointing at me and giggling. My hands came down, suddenly self-aware. 

It is my hope now to lose my self-awareness in worship and become more and more God-aware. Aware of His presence, aware of His mercy, aware of His beauty. 

Psalms has been my favorite book in the Bible for as long as I can recall. King David was a worshiper and I have always identified with him. The highs and lows, the faith that proclaims and the doubt that questions. 

"I'm thanking you, God, from a full heart,

I'm writing the book on your wonders. 

I'm whistling, laughing, and jumping for joy; 

I'm singing your song, High God." - Psalm 9:1-2 (MSG)

"I hate all this silly religion,

but you, God, I trust.

I'm leaping and singing in the circle of your love; 

you saw my pain,

you disarmed my tormentors, 

You didn't leave me in their clutches

but gave me room to breathe." - Psalm 31:6-8 (MSG)

"I will bless the Lord at all times; 

His praise shall continually be in my mouth. 

My soul will make its boast in the Lord;

The humble will hear it and rejoice.

O magnify the Lord with me, 

And let us exalt His name together. 

I sought the Lord, and He answered me,

And delivered me from all my fears." - Psalm 34:1-4 (NASB)

"Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?

Why are you crying the blues?

Fix my eyes on God - 

soon I'll be praising again.

He puts a smile on my face. 

He's my God." - Psalm 43:5 (MSG)

"Going through the motions doesn't please you, 

a flawless performance is nothing to you. 

I learned God-worship

when my pride was shattered.

Heart-shattered lives ready for love

don't for a moment escape God's notice." - Psalm 51:16-17 (MSG)

"God-you're my God!

I can't get enough of you!

I've worked up such hunger and thirst for God,

traveling across dry and weary deserts.

So here I am in the place of worship, eyes open, 

drinking in your strength and glory.

In your generous love I am really living at last!

My lips brim praises like fountains.

I bless you every time I take a breath;

My arms wave like banners of praise to you. 

I eat my fill of prime rib and gravy;

I smack my lips. It's time to shout praises!

If I'm sleepless at midnight,

I spend the hours in grateful reflection.

Because you've always stood up for me,

I'm free to run and play.

I hold on to you for dear life,

and you hold me steady as a post." - Psalm 63:1-8  (MSG)

"Come, let us worship and bow down, 

Let us kneel before the Lord our Maker.

For He is our God,

And we are the people of His pasture and 

the sheep of His hand." - Psalm 95:6-7 (NASB)

"What can I give back to God

for the blessings he's poured out on me?

I'll lift high the cup of salvation-a toast to God!

I'll pray in the name of God;" - Psalm 116:12-13  (MSG)

"He heals the heartbroken

and bandages their wounds.

He counts the stars 

and assigns each a name.

Our Lord is great, with limitless strength;

we'll never comprehend what he knows and

does.

God puts the fallen on their feet again 

and pushes the wicked into the ditch.

Sing to God a thanksgiving hymn,

play music on your instruments to God," - Psalm 147: 3-7 (MSG)

I didn't want to write very long today; I simply felt a desire to turn my attention. 

In worship. 

Laggadocious Faith

I have dealt with a fear of money and its provision for as long as I can remember.

When I was 12 years old, I took my brother's old job as a newspaper carrier as a way to "start saving for college". Once I outgrew that, I worked as a party coach (don't ask) at a kid's playland, a server/dishwasher at a retirement home, and a receptionist at a hair salon - all at various times throughout high school. And I did save most of that money. I never shopped much for clothes or fancy products. Most of my money went to junk food that couldn't be found in our house, going out to movies with friends, and penny pop. My first and only big purchase was a Wilson tennis racket that I still use to this day. Some of the money also went to the two missions trips I took in high school.

But I was a good saver. I've always been a good saver. Some people say stingy or frugal. I say saver.

Suffice it to say, I was woefully disappointed when the money I had saved was no where near what I would need for even a year at North Central University, my college of choice. The first day that I arrived at college I was all ready to move in and settle in and get to know people. But before I could do any of that, admissions informed me that I had to settle my financial accounts. I spent the next 3 1/2 hours trudging from billing to financial aid and back, waiting in lines and filling out paperwork.

It can only be described as one of the most frustrating days of my life.

Although I do believe that North Central was what God wanted me to do, I wish that someone had informed me of the repercussions of student loans. Even though I worked throughout college in a variety of jobs, the pricetag for college was more than I could manage without students loans. I wish that I had known that of the weight them would be on my life for, like, ever (going on 7 years of consistent payments and I feel like I still owe as much as I did when I graduated).

I'm not a psychologist, but if I were to analyze myself and the anxiety that arises within me when money is tight, I think that I would have to ascertain that the anxiety exists for decent reason.

I have lived at the edge of money's worst case scenario. I don't want to share all of the money problems of my childhood years on this blog, because I feel as though those details are not just my story. They belong to my entire family and some might not want those details shared. Sharing them might bring pain or embarrassment or annoyance at my tendency to over-share. I don't want that.

Without sharing specifics, those things weren't detrimental to my well-being and my family always pulled through to have enough. But I would still say that the financial roller-coaster of my younger years contributed to the money-related anxiety that I still deal with today.

I have gone to God with this problem many times over the years, wondering why He would allow our family that loved Him and served Him to go through such deep waters.

And in the place of my brain where wisdom exists, I know.

I know that He allowed it because some decisions that were made had repercussions, even if those repercussions were felt by innocent children.

I know that God provided the enough that we had. My mom has testified to this: how somehow, miraculously, our bills were met each month when she was a working single mother.

I know that it is easy to see in retrospect God's hand working things for good, despite all of the tough years and circumstances.

So why do I still worry?

The only thing that I can think of is that I want to avoid the suffering, the not-knowing, the checkbook-watching, the mental boxing match that comes with being financially strapped. I don't want to ride that roller-coaster ride. No thanks.

Because if I believe that God will hold me no matter what happens and that I am always safe with him - and I do - then what is it exactly that I am fearing?

I am fearing the worry of financial woes. I am fearing a stack of bills and not knowing how they will be paid. I am fearing being in a place of neediness. I want to know that I am taken care of; I want to be in control so that my financial situation does not require a miracle. Needing a miracle is a scary place to be  in.

But as I look out over the horizon of the next year, I know with certainty that we will need God's provision to make it through. I say this with about 60% excitement of how he is going to do it all, and 40% fear that He won't. Ug....talk about a lagging faith.

Here are some things I am studying to bolster this laggadocious faith (yay for made up words!):

** I need to be surrendered to God's will and not my own. Once I am okay with whatever God brings to pass - trusting Him no matter what - I find a place of rest. Romans 12:1 - "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." (MSG)  Amen. Place my life as an offering before God - God helping me. I'm going to need that help, Lord!

** Needing to see God move in one's life is not a bad place to be in. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - "As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally - not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing." (MSG). Amen. God still rescues. He can rescue. He will rescue. We need not depend on our own strength or wisdom, and sometimes we need to be forced into a place of trusting God. Even so, He rescues. 

** Suffering should not be feared, but welcomed. Christ promised it, but he also promised to be with us when we walk through it. Philippians 1:29 - "There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting." (MSG). Amen. Let me not fight off suffering with every valiant effort for control I make. Let me embrace it with a knowledge of His presence and help. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." (MSG). In lines with that, the suffering need not be feared because it serves many purposes, including bringing us into greater dependence on God and a knowledge of our neediness of Him.

** There is a freedom that comes when we rest, unencumbered by burdens, in God. God rewards the steps of faith that we take. And we can take steps of faith and still be scared. Hebrews 10:23-24 - "So let's do it - full of belief, confident that we're presentable in side and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out." (MSG). Amen. God has promised that He is my provider. So let me proceed forward by clinging to that promise. Let me not focus on my own needs but use my energy in a better way by loving others - perhaps those who are less fortunate than I am. 

So I am stepping out, clinging to the promises of God. I sometimes feel like the boy's father in Mark 9:24 who pleaded with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus responds to his request in verse 23: "If you can? ... everything is possible for one who believes."

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24 - NIV).

I do believe in your promises, God! Help my unbelief!

Love Languages

I have heard it said before that we tend to give out love the way that we like to receive it. 

For those who feel loved when being held or touched, they hold and touch. 

For those who feel loved when encouraged and affirmed, they encourage and affirm. 

For those who feel loved when things are done for them in service, they serve. 

For those who feel loved when spending quality time together, they give quality time. 

For those who feel loved with gifts, they give gifts. 

I have found this to be true in my own life, most definitely. 

I recognize it by the way that I feel when someone is speaking my love language. I feel valued, cherished, thought of. I feel more than loved; I feel known. 

Matt and I speak different love languages. It has taken some time to learn just how much he appreciates it when I bring him a gift to show him that I have been thinking of him while I was shopping at Target. When I make the gift an energy drink, I get to watch his face light up like an 8 year old. 

To me, I do enjoy when he thinks of me and gets me a gift at Target. 

But when he gives me words of affirmation and tells me how he loves me and why he loves me?

Overwhelmed.

Bowled over.

Tears.

Joy.

While it is good for me to know under what circumstances that I feel the most loved and best receive love, I can't just leave it at that. I need to be cognizant of the love that I give out as well. 

This is how I am working on it:

I have said on this blog before that I am a shy and timid person. In fact, it is in my "About Me" section that I hate small talk. 

While that isn't a lie by any means, I am beginning to realize that sometimes if I speak something enough over my life, I just might start to fully believe it. 

Because there is a need in me to be pursued, I can have a difficult time beginning conversations - going up to someone cold turkey and breaking the ice. 

Being the youngest child, I grew up having a lot of others do the talking for me. My best friend is a genius conversation holder. My husband could talk to a wall if he really wanted to. I am used to others carrying the conversation while I sit back and observe.

The truth is, I can be shy. However, when the need has called for it, I have risen to be an excellent talker and relationship pursuer.  

What I have begun to realize is that I can't always wait for others to make the first step.

How tragic it would be if someone went untalked to, or felt unloved, because it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I guess I just don't feel like I can really take that risk anymore. 

I have been called to love. Loving means loving the other person in the way that they can best receive it.......which may not always be my natural way of giving love. 

In this way, love means being uncomfortable. 

I have finally gotten comfortable with that. 

Fighting

This past week, Matt and I have gotten sucked into a show on Netflix called "Out of the Wild". There are two different seasons - one in Alaska, one in Venezuela - and we flew through both of them.

The show is essentially about a group of 9 people (different sets for each season) who are dropped in the middle of nowhere with only the tools that they will need for survival. They have no idea how long it will take to reach civilization. They will need to build their own shelters and forage for their own food. There is no prize money at the end, only a giant sense of accomplishment. At any point of the experience, a team member may hit an emergency GPS button that they carry and be rescued via helicopter.

Sounds like a load of fun, right?

Survivalistic shows usually aren't my cup of tea or what floats my boat, so I was surprised that I was so quickly hooked on this show.

I think that what ultimately sucked me in was the psychology of the show. It was fascinating to me to see how people dealt with the challenges thrown their way. Some people met them head on; no matter how little they had to eat or how long it rained, they focused on the positive and kept their eyes on the ultimate goal of reaching civilization. They knew this experience wouldn't last forever and they were determined to deal well with it. They stayed busy with the task at hand. But there were others who would relent at the smallest obstacle; these were the ones who sat around while others fished and worked on the shelters. These were the whiners. These were the GPS pushers.

The battles were waged in the mind, by the way each person viewed their circumstances.

Things got more interesting as the groups moved forward. Foraging for food was not always successful, which meant that they were often starving; the team members who lasted until the end lost a lot of weight. They faced days upon days of rain or cold and snow.

It was intriguing what excuses people gave for pushing their GPS buttons. Some were injured; some were scared for their health; some thought that they had gotten everything out of the experience that they could. One woman, after lasting 28 days, gave up and pushed her button, not knowing that her teammates would reach civilization the very next day.

Bummer.

I received a phone call this week from an old friend asking for prayer. She was sad and frustrated, dealing once more with an issue that has plagued her for awhile now.

When I returned her call, the only thing I felt important to tell her was to just not give up. Keep fighting the battle and know that God is her strength when she is weak. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I gave her this verse to encourage her:"God is strong and he wants you strong." Ephesians 6:10 (MSG).

Although I have not gone through the exact same battle as my friend, I know what it is like to face the same obstacle over and over again. I know what it is to get weary in the midst of the fight.

And it is because of that that I empathize with her. I know how tough it is and that sometimes it is impossible to imagine moving forward.

But the only alternative to fighting the battle is to give up. Throw in the towel. Hit the metaphorical GPS button and be helipcoptered away.

At times when the GPS button seems tempting, it is helpful to keep in mind that the only thing required of us is the next step.

The only thing required of us is to not give up.

The people on the show who made it all the way to the end understood that while they had no idea how long the trying journey would be nor how difficult, all that was required of them was the next step. Then the next step. Then the next.

1 Timothy 6:12 (AMP): "Fight the good fight of the faith;"

There was no prize money sitting in a pot at the end of this journey's rainbow. Each person who lasted did so because they always made the decision to keep on fighting.

One guy said at the end, "Quitting wasn't ever an option for me."

I understand the reasons for wanting to press the GPS button. Giving up can seem desirable for a multitude of reasons.

But at the end, I want to be the fighter who does not gives up.

1 Timothy 4:7-8 (MSG): "This is the only race worth running. I've run hard right to the finish, believed all the way. All that's left now is the shouting-God's applause! Depend on it, he's an honest judge. He'll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming."

Remembering

Yesterday after naps, my sister and I rounded up our boys and Mom and Bryan (who had flowers in hand) and made a family trip to the cemetery.

Cemeteries aren't typically a romp roarin' time.

But every time I visit, I enjoy reading the gravestones of those whom I do not know. I gaze at their names, the years they were born, how old they were when they died. I try to imagine what they looked like, marriages, children, what kind of job they may have had, what life was like during the years they were alive.

It may sound a touch creepy, but I love people's stories.

As we trudged through grass and chased down runaway boys (no wait, maybe that was just me chasing), we talked memories.

For 'twas Memorial Day, after all.

As we stood at my brother's headstone, I found myself watching Finn play nearby with his cousins. And it hit me - suddenly - how life has just..........gone on.

For my brother, Matt, life halted in that moment when he passed. But for the rest of us, life has progressed. It was a beautiful October day when our family stood in that same spot and said a final goodbye. That was 17 years ago; I was a 13 year old adolescent grappling with the loss of my brother. Now I stood in that exact same spot as a 30 year old woman, watching my sweet son play with his cousins and marveling at the spin of life.

As the boys took turns climbing on Matt's headstone, my mom said something that brought tears to my eyes and sent them rolling down my cheeks:

"Matt would have loved having you boys climb all over. Because he would have loved you all so much."

We each shared happy memories of Matt. Kiki shared of their long talks when she was in college. Mom shared about the way he threw his head back when he laughed. Bryan shared of how tall he stood when he walked mom down the aisle at their wedding. I shared about how he cleaned and bandaged my leg after a bad fall at the tennis courts.

On the day of Matt's funeral, our worship pastor at the time, Pastor Mark, came up to my mom and delivered a sweet gift. He told her that he saw Matt in heaven with grandpa (my mom's dad). Grandpa said that he was taking care of him.

That is a treasure that our entire family has held onto since that day.

The hope of heaven is real. It can cover, like a balm, the loss that is felt when we remember our lost loved ones.

Hope is a gift on Memorial Day.

Young Adult Love Overflow

I love working with young adults!

As I have written here before, I fully believe that this generation of young adults is going to change the world. They are the dreamers that have a passion and drive necessary to make a difference.

Matt and I have the immense honor of ministering to the young adult population in our church. During the Sunday School class, Monday night small group, and other hang out opportunities, we have heard the hearts of these young adults who face so many distractions in their daily lives, yet who are desperate for more of Jesus and ready to risk and sacrifice in order to know Him more.

* There are seniors graduating high school who are excited to see God's will unfold in their lives and to show God's love at the universities they will soon be attending.

* There are college students who are impacting their campuses by letting God shine naturally in their lives.

* There are others who are working full time jobs and who daily embrace the opportunities presented to them to love their co-workers and share what God is doing in their lives.

The young adult years can be many things: Tough. Educational. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Limit Pushing.

Ultimately, to one who is open to God and His will, the young adult years will be a time when one really learns the steady support that God gives.

To our young adults:

You may find yourself for the first time having no one to call on except Him; and you will find Him to be enough for your situation. You will learn that the peace He provides is real and unshakable, the love He gives is all-encompassing, and His faithfulness can be trusted.

- You will be shown that sometimes life is tough so that you can know the comfort that God gives. 

- You will be shown that sometimes life is educational so that you can realize that you are never done understanding His ways. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is inspiring so that you will see how God still does miracles. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is heartbreaking so that you can learn how God can put a heart back together. 

- You will learn that sometimes life pushes us to our limits because that is how you will grow and develop the gifts that God has blessed you with. 

It is our joy and honor to learn with you, walk with you, and support you.

We really love you guys (you know who you are!).

I posted this song because it reminds me of the difference we can make in the day-to-day monotony.

You're already making a difference!