Not For a Moment

I love being a mommy to two boys.

Two sweet, squishy, lovable boys.

The transition from mommy of one to mommy of two was not everything that I pictured it would be.

I knew it would be hard. I was prepared for it to be hard. One consistent thing that I had heard from others is that the transition from one to two is hard.

I kept trying to prepare Matt for it to be hard, but Matt just wouldn't even go there in his mind.

That is why we are married! My realism meets his optimism in a happy, beautiful balancing act.

Yet even though I was prepared for it to be hard, I was not prepared for the right kind of hard.

The hard that I was expecting was actually quite easy. Perhaps I over-prepared myself by dwelling on worst case scenario possibilities. That's definitely been known to happen before :).

These things went easier than I planned:
 - I worried about how Finn would react. However, Finn loves his baby brother and is fascinated by him. He wants to be near him. He is not jealous but is sweet and obedient and eager to please 90% of the time. When he gets excited or revved up......its a different story. He is Matt's son after all! I love him in all of his moods.
 - Since Finn was a fairly easy baby, I was expecting my second one to be tougher. However, Jonas is the definition of content. He sleeps well, nurses well, and only gets fussy when he has a toot or a poop. He is fairly gassy.....he is Matt's son after all! :)
 - I was worried that with family in town that Jonas' entry in the world may be inconvenient or imposing to others. However, having extra family around was a gigantic blessing and it was wonderful getting to share those first few days of Jonas' life with more people.

I am so blessed and grateful that those worst case scenarios did not pan out. Once again, I wasted time mentally preparing for things that did not come to fruition.

However......there was a different kind of hard to deal with that I was not prepared for. There really would have been no way to prepare for it even if I did have some foreboding feeling about it.

First, the good news:
I was able to have a successful VBAC! Jonas cooperated perfectly and all of my labor went smoothly. It was a fun adventure to time my contractions through the night and feel the anticipation build as they became closer together. I am so thankful that I was able to give birth to Jonas that way.

And I am also very thankful for epidurals. Contractions are no joke.

The hard part started at the moment of Jonas' entry into the world. I don't need to paint a picture on here about everything that happened or went wrong.........those who need to know, do.

But there was a series of things that did not go as they should have. The result of that being that I was in quite a bit of pain for the first couple weeks of Jonas' life. The first week it was difficult to sit or move without pain.

Thus......caring for a newborn and a toddler was hard. The hard that I was not expecting.

I had many moments of frustration. I longed to jump into being a mommy of two....I wanted to run around with Finn so that he would know that Mommy still loved him. I wanted to pick up Jonas by myself to nurse him rather than have to have him handed to me. I wanted to dive in and feel like I could tackle everything that I saw looming before me.

I was not able to. I had to sit and wait and allow others to help. I had to *gasp* ask for help.

As frustrating as it was for me to wade slowly into the "mommy of two" waters, I can look back now and see what a blessing it was. It really just feels like everything worked out the way it needed to, pain and all.

Of course it is easy to say that now that the pain is mostly a distant memory. But that's how it works: pain loses its power in time. 

Now that everything has settled in a bit, I have gotten into a new routine and groove with my two boys.

I love my days with them more than I can say and am so thankful for the opportunity to be home with them. This may seem super nerdy, but sometimes I get butterflies of excitement in my stomach at the prospect of spending time with them.....even during middle of the night nursings. These days are precious gifts!

God's gifts can often come as a result of pain.......His faithfulness is always true, not only in the midst of good circumstances.

This song is my latest obsession and gets stuck in my head nearly every day. It applies to this situation in my life and so many others.........I believe it is a song that people need to hear. Peace through the pain, comfort in the storm, love when we are unlovable.....just more gifts from God!

"Not for a Moment (After All)" - Vertical Church Band

Refrigerator Mess

Last night I was nesting in a major way. I gutted and cleaned my refrigerator, which is something that I haven't done in .... months.

I filled our trash can to overflowing with expired food and meals from last week and weeks previous.

I had our condiment bottles set out on the floor and Finn would bring his soccer ball in and try to bowl them over. It was hilarious and cute.

It was not long after this fact, however, that I heard a "Boom!" and was surprised by some thrown-away spaghetti noodles and sauce jumping into my cleaner than ever fridge.

Slowly it dawned on me what happened. I closed the refrigerator door and discovered that Finn, while playing with his soccer ball, had knocked over the entire trash can.

There was food.........gross, expired, smelly, noodley food...........everywhere.

I scolded him handedly, maybe shed a hormonal tear or two, and ordered him out of the kitchen while I processed what to begin cleaning first.

As I cleaned, I calmed down........I knew that it was just a simple 2 year-old mistake.

Since it took me thirty minutes to clean it all up............I had plenty of time to work my way to calm.

All of this to say:

I sat down with Finn after I had the mess cleaned up. At first he didn't want to come near me because he had seen my mad face and heard my mad voice.

When I told him, "Mommy isn't mad anymore. She just wants to love on you." He says, "Okay," and comes right to me.

I put him up on the table as I sat in a kitchen chair so that we were nearly eye level.....and the first thing that I tell him is,

"Finn, I love you very much."

In the aftermath of all of the hullaballoo,  that was the very first thing that I wanted him to hear from me.

His actions upset me, yes. But my love for him was not swayed for a moment. There, as we began communicating about the situation, was the perfect and most ideal time to let him know that I loved him. I felt it flowing through me as I sat down to talk with him and I just had to tell him.

It has been awhile since I have written about comparing God's love to parental love........but this is one of those posts.

Because in all of the thousands of ways that I mess up (it happens all the time really), I still feel God's love beating for me in everything that surrounds.

In fact, I think that when I do mess up and then come to Him to communicate about it, that's the first thing that He wants me to know:

"Gretchen, I love you very much."

God operates from a position of overwhelming, overcoming love......always.

Much like Finn didn't want to come near me until he knew I just wanted to love him, it is often hard for us to come near God until we understand the way He loves.

"Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn't love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that." - Ephesians 5:1-2

That's where He begins and ends........in love.
That's where all of His dealings with us happen.......in love.
That's the lens through which He sees our messes...........in love.

How awesome is that? How utterly reassuring and peace-giving is that?!

I know I feel better :).

1 John 3:1: "How GREAT is the LOVE the Father has LAVISHED on us, that we should be called the CHILDREN OF GOD! And that IS what we ARE!"

A Bad Case of Stripes

When I first started working towards my masters degree in school counseling, I was single, childless, and highly motivated to do well and attain one of those semi-elusive school counselor positions.

Years passed. I met this most wonderful man:

 (maybe you know him?). 

We fell in love. We got married.  We procreated. 

Upon the birth of our son, Finn Matthew, I fell in love again:

(maybe you could see how?)

And all of a sudden, all that I wanted to do was to be with this little man. I didn't want to miss a moment or a happening. I wanted to be the one to lay him down for every nap and the first one to see his chirpy little face when he woke up.

I wasn't a perfect mommy. I got frustrated. I struggled with the surrender of my selfish desires so that I could better meet his needs. I got lonely on days when he was my only human interaction. I didn't clean the house every day (or every week....cough cough). 

When I took a year off from school to revel and indulge in Finn's first few months of life, it was very difficult to imagine finishing the degree that I had started sooooooooooo long ago - we're talking 2007 here!

I moaned, I groaned, and I wondered - often - what it would be like to not finish at all. 

Long story short.......I went back. I finished. 

(See?)

With the support of the most amazing team of people behind me that believed in me and by relying on God's strength when mine gave out, the driving force that helped me to finish was hoping that when all was said and done, I could be with my boy.

When I found out halfway through last semester that we were expecting another sweet baboose, I received an extra boost of drive. I knew that it was not an easy calling and that in many ways, working a full time job outside of the home would be easier and less stressful than mommy duty. But yet.......

all I wanted was to hit graduation so that I could be home with my boys. 

Last month, I was having lunch with 4 Kindergarten girls. As they ate, we chatted. Then one of them handed me a book and asked me to read it.

I had never heard of this book before; it was titled "A Bad Case of Stripes" by David Shannon.

This book is about a little girl who loves lima beans. However, before she starts her first day of school, she decides that she must hide her love of lima beans because loving lima beans is........well.......weird. Unfortunately, as she hides this love and tries to be like everyone else, she finds that she far too easily becomes what people tell her to become. When someone says stripes, her skin turns into stripes; same thing when someone talks about polka dots, an American flag, a rainbow, etc. Whatever people suggest, she turns into. They say it, she becomes it.

She is completely at their mercy, simply because she was caught up in thinking she needed to be like everyone else.

There were moments these past few months when I have felt that way, as though the only proper exclamation point on the end of this whirlwind year would be a full time school counselor position. It has definitely seemed enticing at times.

Since I graduated, I have been asked many, many times: "What are your plans?"

And truth be told, there have been times when I have been embarrassed to say, "Well, I really want to be home with my boys, so I am looking for something part time so that I can utilize my degree but not miss moments with them."

It sounds simple enough to speak those words......but sometimes it is difficult.

For some reason, at times, that answer seems like not enough. Which has made me feel like not enough.
I feel like I should want and aspire to a full time job where I can use my degree. After all, what if all of those years were for nothing? What if I toiled and tried and cried my way through those classes for no payoff?

Yet as I was reading this children's book to a table of adorable kindergarten girls, it hit me.

I just need to eat my lima beans.

I need to stop worrying about what others might think. I need to accept what I feel that God has called me to for our family. I need to stop asking myself those obnoxious "what if" questions.

I know that the road I am choosing is not an easy one. But I also believe that it is blessed because God is leading me down it. I am positive with every inch of my being that I will not look back at my life 30 years from now and regret the choice to spend as many moments with my boys as possible.

The world may say "go out and use your degree immediately", but my heart speaks something different.

I want to be a school counselor full time someday..............just.................not yet.

It's funny the lessons one can learn from a children's book.

Slippery Footing

Sometimes it is hard to find our footing.

That's how I have been feeling lately. It seems as though tragedy abounds around me. I hear about tragic circumstances and situations every day. There are families losing loved ones and people facing suffering on a scale that is nearly impossible to bear.

It is heartbreaking.
It is heart-rending.
It is so easy to get discouraged.

Here in the middle of my internship, I have felt myself hitting an emotional wall. On top of all of the sad situations surrounding my peripheral vision, I feel an utter draining of my inner strength. I can't positive self-talk my way through my days, and the only thing that has been sustaining me is God.

I broke down the other night to Matt and confessed that I am not sure if I could make it through the rest of the semester. I am just so tired. One day ends and another begins and I have no strength to give to it.

Whether I am talking about outer circumstances or inner feelings, sometimes the pain in this world can seem overwhelming.

It is so easy to ask, "Where were you, God? Where are you? Why did you allow it to happen this way?"

The world is dark and broken. Sometimes we get sucked into that before we are even aware.

I look at my son and sometimes envy his ability to be carefree. He runs around with sparkling eyes, interested and fascinated by the world around him. He has arms to run into when he cries and he has faces that smile back at him. He hears "I love you" whispered into his ear on a nearly hourly basis.

He too lives in this dark, broken world but he faces each day with unabashed ferocity and enthusiasm. To Finn, this world is meant to be explored, enjoyed, welcomed with open arms. He has no ability to understand how heavy the world can seem. He has experienced pain and he knows that he does not always get his way, but he does not carry a burden of that pain or disappointment.

He knows he is cared for. He knows his needs will be met. He knows there is good to be discovered.

When the tough questions come fast and hard and we cannot find our footing in day-to-day living, how do we find that childhood simplicity that allows us to release these burdens that weigh us down?

It is a lesson that I am still learning.....but I think that release is the key term in that question.

"Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest (I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls). 

Take my yoke upon you and learn of me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls.

For my yoke is wholesome (useful - good, not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious,  and pleasant), and my burden is light and easy to be borne." Matthew 11:28-30 (AMP)

We come and release our load, we run into the open arms when we're crying. We receive rest. We release ourselves into His will, knowing that we are loved beyond our wildest comprehension.

When we lose sight of the wild love of God, we falter and question and doubt His goodness.

Father God, may I keep my eyes fixed upon You and Your love for me. May I not allow the darkness of this world to blind and paralyze me. May Your light shine into this darkness around me and through me.

"When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' Your unfailing love, Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought me joy." Psalm 94:18-19

Inconvenient Interruptions

Oh my little bloggy blog, how I have missed you!

Things have definitely been...........busy! I am enjoying internship and the daily challenges that rise along with it. It is crazy to think that I am one third finished with this gigantic journey and that much closer to my ultimate goal of graduation (have you started planning my party yet, Matthew???)

However, this goal does have a cost to pay, and that cost is not seeing my boys as much as I would like. I am a quality time diva......I eat it up like chocolate.

I miss my Finny Matt throughout the day immensely. I hate not being there when he wakes up and not feeding him breakfast or playing with him or watching him learn every new thing he is learning.

But I also miss the wealth of quality time that I used to get with my husband. It often feels as though we are playing a never ending game of "pass-the-child" back and forth. When it is finally time for time with my sweets, I get HAPPY!! If something comes up and takes away some of that time, I can get.....................selfish. Impatient. Frustrated. Angry. Possessive. Gosh, these aren't pretty words.

Tuesday nights are currently the only night of the week that Matt and I get together at home. This past Tuesday night, Matt comes home and laments his need to shovel the driveway from the storm we had over the weekend. I agreed.

I am inside feeding Finn a nutritious dinner of chicken nuggets when I realize that I do not hear the familiar scraping of shovel on sidewalk.

I peer out the front window and realize that our neighbor has pulled his truck into our driveway and is talking to Matt. I think something along the lines of "Oh, cool!" and get back to the kitchen.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. This time my thoughts run along the lines of, "Ug.....Jim is SUCH a talker!"

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. "Seriously?!" is more my line of thinking....I might have even thrown an eye roll in there.

5 minutes later, I peer out again and they are still talking. I started to feel the annoyance physically rise up and don't do much to try to stop it.

I begin to angry clean my kitchen.

"What can they be talking about that is so important? Our precious family time is slipping away! This is the ONE night I get to really see my husband. WHAT are the odds?!? So Matt spends 20 minutes talking to the neighbor and he is still going to have to clean the driveway; he is going to be out there forever!!!!!!!!!!!"

My emotions were running away like a freight train.

Then I remembered something that I felt like God had been trying to teach me lately.

Patience. Grace. Surrender to His will, not mine.

I stopped my runaway emotions and paused to pray...."God, Matt is doing what you want from him in this moment. He is showing love to a neighbor. What is it that You want from ME right now?"

My eyes were immediately taken off of myself and I was able to be present-minded and rationally focused on what really matters.

A mere 5 minutes later, I heard a truck rev up in the driveway. I peered outside again and realized that neighbor Jim was plowing the snow out of our driveway.

Did I mention that he owns his own snow removal business?

30 seconds later, Matt walks through the door. He had been outside about the same amount of time it would have taken him to shovel the driveway. Except instead of shoveling, he poured kindness and attention into someone else's life.

It didn't take long from there to connect the dots of what God was wanting me to learn in this situation.

I am not master of my time. The more I try to control it, the more out of control I end up feeling.

It was when I surrendered my plans and desires for the evening that calm was restored to me.

Plus, even more amazingly, God returned the time that I felt was being stolen away from me.

God wants me to have quality time with my husband as much as I do. He knows how difficult these months have been in that way. However, when I fuss and strive and strong arm others out of the way to get my time with Matt.............it is displeasing to Him, puts Matt in the middle, and just makes me feel miserable and guilty.

God knows the desires of our hearts. He longs to give us what we wish for, particularly when our wishes line up with His own. But even more than that, He longs to teach us and mature us to walk in right emotions and actions.

Sometimes this requires discipline.
Sometimes this requires facing our demons.
Sometimes this asks us to operate against our own emotions and doing what it right rather than giving into what we feel.

When we surrender to Him, God will return what may be lost in the process. God operates ALWAYS out of tender love for us. It is up to us to remember that and surrender our desires to His good will.

The Next Chapter

I was vacuuming the other day and as I pushed back and forth, Finn ran maniacally from room to room. He was certain that no matter where he ran, the vacuum was coming for him.

It was pretty stinkin' cute.

However, the longer I vacuumed, the closer he would allow it to get to him. His fear of it slowly ebbed away as he realized that it was not, in fact, eating him.

By the time I was finishing up, Finn was coming close enough to play with the cord and even danced with it.

The closer he got to that which was making him afraid, the smaller his fear became. Had he continued to run from the vacuum, he never would have realized that the vacuum was no cause for fear.

In fact, vacuums are kind of fun! Which he did realize, once I shut it off and was rolling it in the closet: he hopped on and wanted a ride!

Funny boy :).

I have been reminding myself of that today, as the monstrosity of internship looms closer and I feel the beginning butterflies of fear.

Fear of the unknown, fear of not being with Finn all day 5 days a week, fear of failure.

But I move forward.......moving towards my fear. I know that if I should choose to run from it, I would never conquer it and it would in turn conquer me. If I ran from it, I would never realize that there is nothing to fear.

Rather, I move forward, despite the fear, believing there are beautiful things ahead.

"My son, when a child of mine makes a request, I always give that person what he or she would have asked for if they knew everything I know. Do you believe that? To the degree you believe that, you're going to have peace. And if you don't believe it, you don't have peace." Timothy Keller

Worth the Wait

I dated enough of the wrong guys to know when I met the right one.

I faced enough anxiety, guilt, regret, and heartache over those years to be able to recognize the symptoms of "he's not the right one" within a week or two of a first date.

Through those years I prayed, I fasted, I longed.

When I moved to Sioux Falls in 2007, I sincerely thought that I was signing the death certificate on my longings to be married. Finding a good guy in my hometown? HA!

But God loves surprises.

I moved back home to Sioux Falls not because I believed I would fall in love and start a family there, but because I believed it was what God wanted me to do.

Because I was obedient, I was blessed.

Blessed beyond what I ever thought I deserved. Blessed beyond even what I thought I wanted.

I made a "good little Christian" list when I was 16 of all of the traits that I wanted in my future husband. This list was meant to keep me focused through my dating years and to help me to not waste time on those who did not meet my standards; it had wonderful intentions.

Although I am a sucker for lists, this one was hard to stick to. It seemed impossible, my standards were too high. So I wavered from it and eventually abandoned it.

But......when I was 25, I began dating the man who met every single criteria on my list.

I wrote this to him after we had been dating a month:
"You have entirely swept me off of my feet, and I find absolute delight in believing that this is from the heart of God. If it was just you and me in this relationship, it would still be pretty cool, but with God as the reason and purpose and the honoree of our relationship - wow, I just feel incredibly blessed to get to share this journey with you. I love you very much, and I have such a peace in my spirit, such a comfort in your presence, and such a joy in getting to know you more."


After 5 years together (4 years of marriage), I look back with wonderment at the journey thus far. 


Do I sometimes get annoyed at his snoring or at how long it takes him to pick up a short list of items at Target?


Maybe. 


But when I look at him, I still see the man who has my heart. I still see the man with the kind eyes and the bright smile. I still see the man who specializes in making me feel loved and special. 


I still see the man that I know God meant for me. 


I still know that I am crazy blessed. 


It was worth the wait.