I have never really been one of those people that invested much energy into interpreting or documenting my dreams for posterity's sake.
There were a couple of specific examples in my life when I would have a dream that I really felt meant something and I never wrote those down because well, over time I have just remembered them. They remain important and I continue to feel as though those dreams served one purpose or another.
One such dream I had when I was about 7 months pregnant with Finn. I had a dream that I was pregnant and playing volleyball (but of course!) As I was playing, I felt Finn stick his finger out of my belly and wiggle it around. In my mind I can still see that precious little finger bee-bopping around. As it turned out in the dream, Finn ended up breaking out of my belly and was a healthy and happy baby. Oh yeah, and he was covered in goo and my mom scolded me for not cleaning him off! She would :).
Oh dreams, you are funny.
That dream became all too real when I ended up having to have an emergency c-section. To this day, I believe that God was trying to prepare me for that.....just a bit.
In the last 2-3 months, I have had several dreams that fall into that "this has to mean something" category - if only because of the strength of emotion that they invoke.
Granted, a couple of nights ago I dreamt that Matt and I worked at a Wendy's and there were a couple of life-size ducks that kept trying to come in the doors to eat. Matt to the rescue - he met them at the door and did this amazing karate/gymnastic/flying leap kick at the ducks and apparently it was enough to get them to give up on Wendy's and I don't know, try McDonald's. I was laughing so hard in the dream that it woke me up and I had tears in my eyes. Some day, I'm going to have to get Matt to re-invent that leap kick for me.
This morning I had another powerful dream. My friends Chanelle, Laura, Alicia and I were getting ready to do a service at a retirement/rehab type facility. All of a sudden, someone wheeled my dad in. And I just stood there, staring at him knowing that it was impossible because he had passed away.
I remember being afraid and beginning to turn away, but then he leaps out of his wheelchair and throws his arms around me and says, "There has never been a day in my life that I didn't love you or that you disappointed me."
And I sob in the dream. And I sob in real life, waking myself up and continuing to cry for awhile after.
I know that dreams can be imaginary figments that are complete gibberish. See: duck dream.
But.....they can mean something too. I think my dream this morning meant something, if only as a chance to see my dad again.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Whelmed
"I know you can be overwhelmed and I know you can be underwhelmed....but can you ever just be whelmed?" - 10 Things I Hate About You
It could be stated....that due to my naturally dramatic nature......that I can get overwhelmed easily. I am, after all, the little girl who would wrap her ankle up with an Ace bandage every time it seemed to hurt. Often to me, circumstances in life can appear larger than they actually are, almost as if I were viewing things through a perpetual rearview mirror.
I remember distinctly during Matt's and my wedding service, my brother-in-law (also Matt) who performed the ceremony, was speaking about our relationship and said, "I think you, Matt, keep Gretchen from taking herself too seriously; and you, Gretchen, keep Matt from taking himself not seriously enough."
Amen. I take things too seriously sometimes.
And our blissful Fjerky family life has been picking up steam lately as our calendar just keeps getting more and more packed. It often seems as though the older we get, the more responsibilities are thrust upon us; the crazier life gets, the lengthier the list of things to worry about grows. Sometimes, it just seems so easy to get exasperatingly overwhelmed.
How does one avoid being overwhelmed? By shutting others and opportunities out? By blindly saying 'No' all the time? By shutting down emotionally? That seems.....hopeless. And selfish. And downright dreadful.
I honestly don't know.....but the more that I think, pray and study on it......the more I think that I realize that the feeling of "overwhelmed" is often about my own attitude and perception of situations.
One more shindig gathering pops up that we should attend? Stop viewing it as a blot on a blissfully free weekend and embrace it as a chance to pour forth love and good society.
One more obligation that is asked of us? Stop viewing it as an annoyance to be gotten through trudgingly and embrace it as a chance to share our God-given value.
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church......a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past......we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you......we are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindoll
Attitude - the way that we view things directly affects the way that we respond to them.
It is safe to say that before I became a mother, I did not work very hard to cultivate an attitude of calm in my life. I freaked out easily, stressed out about small things, and in general let my mind run amuck. I got easily overwhelmed. Since I had Finn, however, I have been working actively at being a calm person because that is the environment that I want him to grow up in.
I have been re-watching Felicity lately on Netflix and as I was half paying attention the other day while I was doing homework I heard,
"Before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, just know that you're going to be fine."
For some reason it struck a chord with me because that is often what I do - get caught up in the drama of a moment.
When all I really need to do is connect to the peace inside of me that Jesus has promised (John 14:27) and say, "Peace. Be still."
I do not need to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I can dwell in the 'whelmed', calm place of peace.
It could be stated....that due to my naturally dramatic nature......that I can get overwhelmed easily. I am, after all, the little girl who would wrap her ankle up with an Ace bandage every time it seemed to hurt. Often to me, circumstances in life can appear larger than they actually are, almost as if I were viewing things through a perpetual rearview mirror.
Amen. I take things too seriously sometimes.
And our blissful Fjerky family life has been picking up steam lately as our calendar just keeps getting more and more packed. It often seems as though the older we get, the more responsibilities are thrust upon us; the crazier life gets, the lengthier the list of things to worry about grows. Sometimes, it just seems so easy to get exasperatingly overwhelmed.
How does one avoid being overwhelmed? By shutting others and opportunities out? By blindly saying 'No' all the time? By shutting down emotionally? That seems.....hopeless. And selfish. And downright dreadful.
I honestly don't know.....but the more that I think, pray and study on it......the more I think that I realize that the feeling of "overwhelmed" is often about my own attitude and perception of situations.
One more shindig gathering pops up that we should attend? Stop viewing it as a blot on a blissfully free weekend and embrace it as a chance to pour forth love and good society.
One more obligation that is asked of us? Stop viewing it as an annoyance to be gotten through trudgingly and embrace it as a chance to share our God-given value.
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company.....a church......a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past......we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you......we are in charge of our attitudes" - Charles Swindoll
Attitude - the way that we view things directly affects the way that we respond to them.
It is safe to say that before I became a mother, I did not work very hard to cultivate an attitude of calm in my life. I freaked out easily, stressed out about small things, and in general let my mind run amuck. I got easily overwhelmed. Since I had Finn, however, I have been working actively at being a calm person because that is the environment that I want him to grow up in.
Being calm is not something that comes easily to me, but I am realizing more and more that I am able to choose to remain calm.
The way I see it, there is a continuum between being a person of calmness/peace and being a person of freakouts/spazz-attacks. Picture it like this:
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxMExxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
calm crazy
Being that I am a person and people tend to be in a constant state of motion and change, I figure that I am always moving in one direction or another on the continuum of calm.
For instance, yesterday Finn pooped in the bathtub. Not only that, but as I was in the process of cleaning him and it up, he kept right on pooping. The situation at the time seemed overwhelming to me. So standing there, with my son crying and the poop flying, I had a choice. I could either give in to the feeling of being overwhelmed and begin crying along with him......or, I could take a deep breath and just deal - knowing that the moment won't last forever. If I choose the latter, I have moved closer to the calm side of the continuum and it makes it easier to make that same decision next time. If I choose the former, well, I have taken another step towards being a person I really don't want to be. Life is a series of choices that work to develop who we are.
This also reminds me of a conversation I had recently with an amazing friend; she was telling me how tired she was of life throwing one annoying thing after another at her. More than that, she said she was tired of getting stressed out about each annoying thing - so she had decided that she was not going to keep going off what she was feeling. Rather, she was going to take things more in stride, she was going to relax and not take things so seriously.
I do not mean to make this all sound, however, as though it were all a matter of the will. It is impossible to will these types of urges away and expect them to remain on the sideline. Though it is possible to manage our attitudes and learn the art of chilling out, the work is completed only by God. Eventually, should we persist in our strength, the task will prove to be too much. Rather, its a matter of drawing on God's strength and ability to change me as I look to Him and allow Him room to move in my life.
I have been reflecting recently on story in Mark 4:35-41:
"'Late that day he said to them, 'Let's go across to the other side.' They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, 'Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?' Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Settle down!' The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: 'Why are you such cowards?? Don't you have any faith at all?' They were in absolute awe, staggered, 'Who is this, anyway?' they asked. 'Wind and sea at his beck and call!'"
Sometimes, my life feels as though its boat is about to capsize amidst the waves beating against my boat. I plead with God in my prayers, "Don't you see these waves overwhelming me?!"
Time after time, He says, "Do not fear. Peace, be still."
My problem is that I am focusing more on the waves than I am on He who is in the boat with me. I am looking at the storm and forgetting that He who created all things is right by my side.
The main issue is that I can't speak peace to the storm raging in my circumstances if there is not peace inside of me.
Knowing God is with me is sometimes the only peace I have in the craziness of life.
But that's enough.
I do not mean to make this all sound, however, as though it were all a matter of the will. It is impossible to will these types of urges away and expect them to remain on the sideline. Though it is possible to manage our attitudes and learn the art of chilling out, the work is completed only by God. Eventually, should we persist in our strength, the task will prove to be too much. Rather, its a matter of drawing on God's strength and ability to change me as I look to Him and allow Him room to move in my life.
I have been reflecting recently on story in Mark 4:35-41:
"'Late that day he said to them, 'Let's go across to the other side.' They took him in the boat as he was. Other boats came along. A huge storm came up. Waves poured into the boat, threatening to sink it. And Jesus was in the stern, head on a pillow, sleeping! They roused him, saying, 'Teacher, is it nothing to you that we're going down?' Awake now, he told the wind to pipe down and said to the sea, 'Quiet! Settle down!' The wind ran out of breath; the sea became smooth as glass. Jesus reprimanded the disciples: 'Why are you such cowards?? Don't you have any faith at all?' They were in absolute awe, staggered, 'Who is this, anyway?' they asked. 'Wind and sea at his beck and call!'"
Sometimes, my life feels as though its boat is about to capsize amidst the waves beating against my boat. I plead with God in my prayers, "Don't you see these waves overwhelming me?!"
Time after time, He says, "Do not fear. Peace, be still."
My problem is that I am focusing more on the waves than I am on He who is in the boat with me. I am looking at the storm and forgetting that He who created all things is right by my side.
The main issue is that I can't speak peace to the storm raging in my circumstances if there is not peace inside of me.
Knowing God is with me is sometimes the only peace I have in the craziness of life.
But that's enough.
I have been re-watching Felicity lately on Netflix and as I was half paying attention the other day while I was doing homework I heard,
"Before you let yourself get caught up in the drama of the moment, just know that you're going to be fine."
For some reason it struck a chord with me because that is often what I do - get caught up in the drama of a moment.
When all I really need to do is connect to the peace inside of me that Jesus has promised (John 14:27) and say, "Peace. Be still."
I do not need to be overwhelmed or underwhelmed. I can dwell in the 'whelmed', calm place of peace.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Rorschach
I started back to school this week. The class I am taking, Appraisal of the Individual, is all about ways to assess those that we will be seeing in counseling.
We were discussing the history of assessment and the Rorschach test was brought up. You know Rorschach.....those weird ink-blot type cards that can look like something straight out of a serial killer's mind.
Our professor, Dr. Rice, stated that when people are being evaluated with these, they fare much better when they take in the entire image on the card, rather than just focusing in on smaller aspects of it.
Those who were able to view the bigger picture had a healthier all-around view on life and had healthier mindsets.
It resonated with me that I, too, tend to have an all-around healthier mindset when I am able to focus on the big picture rather than zeroing in on one area of my life.
And what is the big picture?
That life is not about being comfortable or seeking my own way on things.
That I am called to love and bless others.
That God will supply all of my needs. That God has a purpose for my life. That God loves me.
Colossians 3:1-4 says, "So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ - that's where the action is. See things from his perspective."
I have a feeling all of life would make more sense if I was constantly attuned to God's perspective.
This message was reaffirmed to my heart this morning in church, when our pastor's message was all about God's calling and purpose for us. Then Pastor Beard said, "Everything we do is to be taken in the light of eternity."
Life is lived best by taking my eyes off of myself and looking to God. By looking to God, I am able to trust His plan........even when nothing seems to make sense. When I stop fighting for my own way all the time, I am able to relax and feel God's love for others flow through me. He is better able to use me when I let go of my own plans. Now if only I didn't need so many reminders of these things.
Rorschach, Rorschach, Rorschach.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On another random note, Lifelight is this weekend! We ventured out on Friday so Finn could experience his first music festival. It was a wonderful time - we got to hear some awesome music, see great friends that we haven't seen in awhile, and participate in a cool ministry.
Listening to his first band!
Chatty Daddy
Fjerky Fam Extraordinaire
Beautiful Evening
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Gloomy Doomy
Uff-da.
It has been quite a day already; I feel like I have earned my mommy stripes. All day yesterday, Finn was pretty fussy and just not acting like himself. Then, last night, he slept - on average - about 30-45 minute increments. Needless to say, my poor sweet boy was not feeling well and there wasn't a whole lot that I could do about it. And there wasn't a whole lot of sleep being gotten at our house.
This morning, I was up before the sun in order to get ready for church. I was on the worship team and had to be there by 7:30. I tried to do as much as I could to myself before Finn awoke, but didn't get nearly as far as I wanted to. When Finn woke up, it was clear to see that he still was not feeling great. But I nursed him and bathed him and got him ready without much incident.
Except for the part where he pooped in the tub.
But I got him cleaned up, got the tub cleaned up, and got him dressed. As I tried getting ready, I pulled out every trick in my bag to keep him from fussing and wanting to be held. Dancing, singing, handing him things to suck on..............here it was, only 7:15 and I was already exhausted!
On the way to church, I began praying for the service and for my own spirits as they were dragging. The sky was beautiful.....the sun rising in the east was magnificent in the way that its rays were passing through the clouds. But even that wasn't lifting my spirits as it normally would. Off to the west, a dark wall of clouds was making its way into town and it was easy to see that a storm was brewing. Unfortunately, those were the clouds that better matched my mood.
All of a sudden, I saw a rainbow spreading forth against the storm clouds as the song that I was listening to sang, "Love never fails....".
And it hit me that I had a choice: I could either focus on the storm clouds rolling in, or on the rainbow and its representation of the promises of God.
If I focused on the storm clouds, my gloomy, doomy mood would be allowed to take over and the storm could rage on.
If I focused on the rainbow, the shadows of my mood could surrender to the beauty of God's promises. The storm may still come to rage its power, but it could never cause God's promises to falter or fade.
He promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises to be my helper.
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)
He promises that He has plans for me.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
He promises that He loves me and that nothing could come between us.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39)
What was I feeling gloomy about again?
It has been quite a day already; I feel like I have earned my mommy stripes. All day yesterday, Finn was pretty fussy and just not acting like himself. Then, last night, he slept - on average - about 30-45 minute increments. Needless to say, my poor sweet boy was not feeling well and there wasn't a whole lot that I could do about it. And there wasn't a whole lot of sleep being gotten at our house.
This morning, I was up before the sun in order to get ready for church. I was on the worship team and had to be there by 7:30. I tried to do as much as I could to myself before Finn awoke, but didn't get nearly as far as I wanted to. When Finn woke up, it was clear to see that he still was not feeling great. But I nursed him and bathed him and got him ready without much incident.
Except for the part where he pooped in the tub.
But I got him cleaned up, got the tub cleaned up, and got him dressed. As I tried getting ready, I pulled out every trick in my bag to keep him from fussing and wanting to be held. Dancing, singing, handing him things to suck on..............here it was, only 7:15 and I was already exhausted!
On the way to church, I began praying for the service and for my own spirits as they were dragging. The sky was beautiful.....the sun rising in the east was magnificent in the way that its rays were passing through the clouds. But even that wasn't lifting my spirits as it normally would. Off to the west, a dark wall of clouds was making its way into town and it was easy to see that a storm was brewing. Unfortunately, those were the clouds that better matched my mood.
All of a sudden, I saw a rainbow spreading forth against the storm clouds as the song that I was listening to sang, "Love never fails....".
And it hit me that I had a choice: I could either focus on the storm clouds rolling in, or on the rainbow and its representation of the promises of God.
If I focused on the storm clouds, my gloomy, doomy mood would be allowed to take over and the storm could rage on.
If I focused on the rainbow, the shadows of my mood could surrender to the beauty of God's promises. The storm may still come to rage its power, but it could never cause God's promises to falter or fade.
He promises to never leave me or forsake me.
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6
He promises to be my helper.
"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)
He promises that He has plans for me.
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
He promises that He loves me and that nothing could come between us.
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39)
What was I feeling gloomy about again?
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Graduate
No metaphorical ruminations or odes to weight loss today.
Today, the main thing on my mind is that in approximately one week I will be preparing to re-begin grad school. Granted, I am getting my feet wet slowly by taking only one class, but still.......it kinda sorta feels like a lot.
Sometimes, this feels like the masters degree that knows no end! It is crazy to think that I started this program in August 2007; before Finn, before my job, before Matt. I honestly had an entirely different life back then!
I had just moved back home to Sioux Falls after 2 years in Arkansas, working as a nanny, doing ministry with Chi Alpha, and spending most of my spare time with Kiki and her family. I remember at one point when I lived down there, Kiki was trying to teach Cort to ask her or Matt before he could do something. And he says, "Yep, I know! I ask you or Daddy or Goosey!" I felt honored :).
Since I have lived in Sioux Falls again, graduate school has been a fairly big part of my life. And at this point, there are only FOUR semesters for me to complete before I am finished.
Even so, there was a part of me that didn't want to go back. I didn't want to mess with Finn and my routine and honestly, I didn't want to be away from my boys for 5 1/2 hours every Tuesday evening. I admit, I can be selfish with my time!
But the thought of going back to class still gives me butterflies in my stomach; I know deep down that there is that part of me that loves school and desperately desires that degree. Thanks to the encouragement of my husband, back to class I go! And I am hoping it is not just because he wants his 'guy' nights back!
I remember when I first realized that I wanted to be a school counselor. I was working on homework and had on an episode of Seventh Heaven in the background as mindless noise. And the younger son on the show (Simon, to you die-hard fans), was talking to his dad about a problem he was having. I found myself wanting to give him advice - speak life and encouragement to him! And all of a sudden, I just knew. I knew that I wanted to be a counselor for kids. I immediately called my mom - who, by the way, is the best counselor I know - to discuss the possibilities with her.
At the time, I was in my final semester at North Central and was student teaching. I had two separate sections of student teaching. The first was in a small Christian school with 3rd graders. Those kids just oozed love and acceptance. They saved me spots at their lunch tables, handcrafted cards for me, and made it a habit of telling me that they thought I was wonderful. IT was wonderful.
But my second student teaching section was vastly different. It was at an inner city middle school with an extremely diverse population of kids. And man, did those kids make me work for it! For the first couple of weeks, I lived my life with a perpetual pit in my stomach because of how much they intimidated me. But slowly, as I showed genuine interest in their lives, they began to accept me. I had to seek them out because they weren't coming to me! So I spent lunch time playing basketball with the boys, I talked to the girls about my crush on Orlando Bloom, I went to their dances and baseball games.
All of this to say that middle schoolers are my absolute favorite age group. Not that I don't love the younger kids, but there is a certain investment value when the relationship costs blood, sweat, and tears! Therefore, middle schoolers are where my heart is, the ones I get excited to work with and counsel.
By the time I was student teaching, I knew enough about teaching to know that I did not want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. This is not the prime spot to find oneself in during the last semester of college! However, with my newfound passion for counseling, I figured that if I honed in on school counseling, then I could still use my undergraduate degree AND get to do something I love.
Being ever the planner that I am, I did not go directly into grad school but chose to move down to Arkansas for two years in order to build a savings to pay for my masters. Plus, there was probably a piece of me that wanted a teeny, tiny break from school.
As I am sitting here rehashing what a process this degree has been, I am able to look back with a peace and know that I am still doing what I am supposed to be doing. Somehow, amongst all the twists, turns and speed bumps on the road, I still feel like I am where I am meant to be. I still feel the inner drive to work with middle schoolers.
There are times when I look at how full my life is and can allow myself to get overwhelmed by it all. How am I supposed to be a full time stay at home mommy, a part time work from home employee, a part time graduate student, and a full time wife?
But I guess what I am realizing more and more is, why get overwhelmed when I can give thanks for the gifts He gives each day? Why get dragged down with complaining when I can rejoice in God and thereby be lifted up? Why dread the tasks of each day when I know that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength?
These are the kinds of things I need to think about when I feel my grad school motor slow down to a limp. I know that I have been equipped for this task. I want to be working with kids. I want to work for that investment. I want to be a blessing, because I have been so very blessed.
Today, the main thing on my mind is that in approximately one week I will be preparing to re-begin grad school. Granted, I am getting my feet wet slowly by taking only one class, but still.......it kinda sorta feels like a lot.
Sometimes, this feels like the masters degree that knows no end! It is crazy to think that I started this program in August 2007; before Finn, before my job, before Matt. I honestly had an entirely different life back then!
I had just moved back home to Sioux Falls after 2 years in Arkansas, working as a nanny, doing ministry with Chi Alpha, and spending most of my spare time with Kiki and her family. I remember at one point when I lived down there, Kiki was trying to teach Cort to ask her or Matt before he could do something. And he says, "Yep, I know! I ask you or Daddy or Goosey!" I felt honored :).
Cort and Goosey
Me and Laners
Since I have lived in Sioux Falls again, graduate school has been a fairly big part of my life. And at this point, there are only FOUR semesters for me to complete before I am finished.
Even so, there was a part of me that didn't want to go back. I didn't want to mess with Finn and my routine and honestly, I didn't want to be away from my boys for 5 1/2 hours every Tuesday evening. I admit, I can be selfish with my time!
But the thought of going back to class still gives me butterflies in my stomach; I know deep down that there is that part of me that loves school and desperately desires that degree. Thanks to the encouragement of my husband, back to class I go! And I am hoping it is not just because he wants his 'guy' nights back!
I remember when I first realized that I wanted to be a school counselor. I was working on homework and had on an episode of Seventh Heaven in the background as mindless noise. And the younger son on the show (Simon, to you die-hard fans), was talking to his dad about a problem he was having. I found myself wanting to give him advice - speak life and encouragement to him! And all of a sudden, I just knew. I knew that I wanted to be a counselor for kids. I immediately called my mom - who, by the way, is the best counselor I know - to discuss the possibilities with her.
At the time, I was in my final semester at North Central and was student teaching. I had two separate sections of student teaching. The first was in a small Christian school with 3rd graders. Those kids just oozed love and acceptance. They saved me spots at their lunch tables, handcrafted cards for me, and made it a habit of telling me that they thought I was wonderful. IT was wonderful.
But my second student teaching section was vastly different. It was at an inner city middle school with an extremely diverse population of kids. And man, did those kids make me work for it! For the first couple of weeks, I lived my life with a perpetual pit in my stomach because of how much they intimidated me. But slowly, as I showed genuine interest in their lives, they began to accept me. I had to seek them out because they weren't coming to me! So I spent lunch time playing basketball with the boys, I talked to the girls about my crush on Orlando Bloom, I went to their dances and baseball games.
All of this to say that middle schoolers are my absolute favorite age group. Not that I don't love the younger kids, but there is a certain investment value when the relationship costs blood, sweat, and tears! Therefore, middle schoolers are where my heart is, the ones I get excited to work with and counsel.
By the time I was student teaching, I knew enough about teaching to know that I did not want to be a teacher for the rest of my life. This is not the prime spot to find oneself in during the last semester of college! However, with my newfound passion for counseling, I figured that if I honed in on school counseling, then I could still use my undergraduate degree AND get to do something I love.
Being ever the planner that I am, I did not go directly into grad school but chose to move down to Arkansas for two years in order to build a savings to pay for my masters. Plus, there was probably a piece of me that wanted a teeny, tiny break from school.
As I am sitting here rehashing what a process this degree has been, I am able to look back with a peace and know that I am still doing what I am supposed to be doing. Somehow, amongst all the twists, turns and speed bumps on the road, I still feel like I am where I am meant to be. I still feel the inner drive to work with middle schoolers.
There are times when I look at how full my life is and can allow myself to get overwhelmed by it all. How am I supposed to be a full time stay at home mommy, a part time work from home employee, a part time graduate student, and a full time wife?
But I guess what I am realizing more and more is, why get overwhelmed when I can give thanks for the gifts He gives each day? Why get dragged down with complaining when I can rejoice in God and thereby be lifted up? Why dread the tasks of each day when I know that I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength?
These are the kinds of things I need to think about when I feel my grad school motor slow down to a limp. I know that I have been equipped for this task. I want to be working with kids. I want to work for that investment. I want to be a blessing, because I have been so very blessed.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Hammock
We have a hammock swing out back that I have had for years. It is the only swing we have so I have recently begun putting Finn in it if we get a jonesing for a good swing escape.
When I first placed him in it, he wasn't so sure. He looked at me like I was crazy and then proceeded to take action to escape. I am sure it felt like a strange position for him, suspended and laid-back. Being the kind of mother I am (you have to try it before you can say you don't like it!), I left him in it and sought to distract his efforts to be lifted out. I sang, I swung him, I held his gaze so he would know he was all right. Sure enough, as he relaxed, he began to laugh and giggle his adorable giggle.
When swing time was over and I slowed the swing in order to take him out, apprehension took over him once again and he started to fight what I was trying to do - lift him out.
He writhed and wriggled and managed to get his sweet little fingers and toes curled around and caught in the roped holes of the hammock.
This caused more "trouble" than needed, as I had had it under control. His striving and fighting to release himself only complicated me lifting him out. But I couldn't blame him; after all, he was only doing what felt natural to him. He was struggling for a bit of control.
So it is with me.
Sometimes, when I am placed in certain situations, I fight against the uncomfortable newness of it - especially if it is a position I would not choose for myself. I struggle for a bit of control.
But when I focus on the gaze of God instead of on my position, I am able to relax and enjoy where I am in the moment. I am able to ignore the new, uncomfortable feeling and trust that God has me where I am for a reason. When I focus on the gaze of God, I am overwhelmed by His peace and beauty and my position matters less and less. All that matters is Him.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
I too often writhe and wriggle to try to release myself from situations I am placed in. I can do this through manipulating, complaining, or an active and fighting rebellion. So often, my striving, my ceasing to be still, causes so much more trouble than if I had just relaxed and let God lift me up in His time.
My fingers and toes get caught in metaphorical holes if I begin to fight where God has placed me. Thereby, I become more uncomfortable than if I had just relaxed and trusted - trusted that God works all things for good (Romans 8:28) and that He is more than able to lift me out when the right time comes.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).
Oh, may I gaze on God and rest easily in the hammocks of life.....whatever they are. If I pay close enough attention, I may even feel His arms in charge of the swing and His voice singing over me.
When I first placed him in it, he wasn't so sure. He looked at me like I was crazy and then proceeded to take action to escape. I am sure it felt like a strange position for him, suspended and laid-back. Being the kind of mother I am (you have to try it before you can say you don't like it!), I left him in it and sought to distract his efforts to be lifted out. I sang, I swung him, I held his gaze so he would know he was all right. Sure enough, as he relaxed, he began to laugh and giggle his adorable giggle.
When swing time was over and I slowed the swing in order to take him out, apprehension took over him once again and he started to fight what I was trying to do - lift him out.
He writhed and wriggled and managed to get his sweet little fingers and toes curled around and caught in the roped holes of the hammock.
This caused more "trouble" than needed, as I had had it under control. His striving and fighting to release himself only complicated me lifting him out. But I couldn't blame him; after all, he was only doing what felt natural to him. He was struggling for a bit of control.
So it is with me.
Sometimes, when I am placed in certain situations, I fight against the uncomfortable newness of it - especially if it is a position I would not choose for myself. I struggle for a bit of control.
But when I focus on the gaze of God instead of on my position, I am able to relax and enjoy where I am in the moment. I am able to ignore the new, uncomfortable feeling and trust that God has me where I am for a reason. When I focus on the gaze of God, I am overwhelmed by His peace and beauty and my position matters less and less. All that matters is Him.
"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time. Cast all of your anxiety on Him because He cares for you" (1 Peter 5:6-7).
I too often writhe and wriggle to try to release myself from situations I am placed in. I can do this through manipulating, complaining, or an active and fighting rebellion. So often, my striving, my ceasing to be still, causes so much more trouble than if I had just relaxed and let God lift me up in His time.
My fingers and toes get caught in metaphorical holes if I begin to fight where God has placed me. Thereby, I become more uncomfortable than if I had just relaxed and trusted - trusted that God works all things for good (Romans 8:28) and that He is more than able to lift me out when the right time comes.
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still" (Exodus 14:14).
Oh, may I gaze on God and rest easily in the hammocks of life.....whatever they are. If I pay close enough attention, I may even feel His arms in charge of the swing and His voice singing over me.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Oh, Be Careful Little Mouth...
My mom used to have a song she would sing to reprimand our naughty mouths that went like this:
"Oh be careful little mouth what you say! Oh be careful little mouth what you say! For the Father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little mouth what you say!"
To this day I am not sure if she created this one herself or stole it from somewhere else. Either way, it was preferable to a bar of soap in the mouth :).
I have been ruminating on my words recently as Finn has begun crawling. He crawls everywhere and he moves quick and he is fearless when it comes to pulling himself up on things. As I spend the greater part of my day shadowing him and making sure he is safe, I have caught myself saying things like,
"You are so exhausting!"
"You little nerd!"
"You are such a handful!"
Although I say these things with laughter in my voice, I usually wish that I could take those words back and replace them with something softer and more gentle.
Colossians 4:5-6 "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."
There is no denying that the affect that words have over us is powerful. They can hit us like a punch in the gut or soothe us like an arm around the shoulder.
My mom was telling me a story awhile back about when she was in college. She was working in downtown Minneapolis and had a nasty cold. After one particular cough explosion, she overheard someone say, "That's a cough that isn't long for this world". To this day, she still hears that voice when she gets sick, wondering if it is a malady making way for the grim reaper.
For me, it goes back to words I heard as a child. When I was growing up, the words that I remember the most about myself are "brat" and "selfish". This is not to say that I didn't deserve them or that they weren't often said in jest; it is not to say that many nice things weren't said as well. It is simply to say that they are the ones most seared in my memory. Even still, anytime someone says one of those words in conjunction with my name, it takes me a second to catch my composure again.
Just last week, Matt and I were discussing our game plan on something and he said, "I'm not saying you're being selfish, but....". And I just started crying. That word has power to me. To me, selfish and brat are the two worst words in the entire English language. Yes, they are even worse than 'moist'; worse than 'succulent'; worse than 'bootylicious'.
In many ways, I feel as though I have lived much of my adult life trying to run from those two words; I try to distance myself as much as possible from them. But the unfortunate truth is that sometimes I still act bratty. Sometimes I still act selfish. They have followed me into adulthood, into marriage, into motherhood.
We all have things about ourselves that threaten to bring us shame. Since childhood is such a formative time in life, many of these undesired characteristics were derived before we had any inclination to their long-term results. Even more so, many of those bandaged-over wounds can still rip open from time to time - no matter how old we get.
Because of this, I am trying to stay sensitively conscious of the words that I speak over Finn. It would literally break my heart if he were to ever think that he is 'too much to handle' or an 'exhausting' presence in my life. Or that he truly think himself a nerd and thereby become blissfully uncool! As his mother and the person that is with him nearly 100% of the time, it is my job to speak goodness and love into his life. I am discovering that there are ways that I can release what I am feeling without negative connotation.
Instead of, "You are so exhausting!" I can speak, "You are so adventurous!"
Instead of, "You little nerd!" I can speak, "You are so funny!"
Instead of, "You are such a handful!" I can speak, "You keep Mommy on her toes!"
Ephesians 4:29-32 states, "Watch the way you talk. let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."
A gift. With the words we speak, we can give gifts of encouragement, love, and tenderness. Each time I talk to Finn, I can choose to let him know that I love him and that I think he is an amazing blessing. May this sweet little boy never doubt that he is loved!
Similarly, as I concentrate on speaking positive words over my son, I am also practicing doing the same thing over myself.
'Brat' and 'selfish' do not have to be burdens weighing me down as constant reminders of how I used to be. Rather, they can be catalysts to remind me how not to be. I may have a spunky attitude, but I am not a brat. I may have grown up selfishly wanting my own way, but as an adult woman I can pour myself out to be a blessing for others. Words do not define us; actions do. But words can have one heck of an impact. May I use my words as gifts, to bless, and to find beautiful things in others.
Romans 12:17: "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everyone."
"Don't let evil get the best of you. Get the best of evil by doing good." Romans 12:21
1 Peter 3:8-11 says, "Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that's your job, to bless. you'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, here's what you do; Say nothing evil or hurtful; snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth."
"Oh be careful little mouth what you say! Oh be careful little mouth what you say! For the Father up above is looking down in love, oh be careful little mouth what you say!"
To this day I am not sure if she created this one herself or stole it from somewhere else. Either way, it was preferable to a bar of soap in the mouth :).
I have been ruminating on my words recently as Finn has begun crawling. He crawls everywhere and he moves quick and he is fearless when it comes to pulling himself up on things. As I spend the greater part of my day shadowing him and making sure he is safe, I have caught myself saying things like,
"You are so exhausting!"
"You little nerd!"
"You are such a handful!"
Although I say these things with laughter in my voice, I usually wish that I could take those words back and replace them with something softer and more gentle.
Colossians 4:5-6 "Be gracious in your speech. The goal is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not put them down, not cut them out."
There is no denying that the affect that words have over us is powerful. They can hit us like a punch in the gut or soothe us like an arm around the shoulder.
My mom was telling me a story awhile back about when she was in college. She was working in downtown Minneapolis and had a nasty cold. After one particular cough explosion, she overheard someone say, "That's a cough that isn't long for this world". To this day, she still hears that voice when she gets sick, wondering if it is a malady making way for the grim reaper.
For me, it goes back to words I heard as a child. When I was growing up, the words that I remember the most about myself are "brat" and "selfish". This is not to say that I didn't deserve them or that they weren't often said in jest; it is not to say that many nice things weren't said as well. It is simply to say that they are the ones most seared in my memory. Even still, anytime someone says one of those words in conjunction with my name, it takes me a second to catch my composure again.
Just last week, Matt and I were discussing our game plan on something and he said, "I'm not saying you're being selfish, but....". And I just started crying. That word has power to me. To me, selfish and brat are the two worst words in the entire English language. Yes, they are even worse than 'moist'; worse than 'succulent'; worse than 'bootylicious'.
In many ways, I feel as though I have lived much of my adult life trying to run from those two words; I try to distance myself as much as possible from them. But the unfortunate truth is that sometimes I still act bratty. Sometimes I still act selfish. They have followed me into adulthood, into marriage, into motherhood.
We all have things about ourselves that threaten to bring us shame. Since childhood is such a formative time in life, many of these undesired characteristics were derived before we had any inclination to their long-term results. Even more so, many of those bandaged-over wounds can still rip open from time to time - no matter how old we get.
Because of this, I am trying to stay sensitively conscious of the words that I speak over Finn. It would literally break my heart if he were to ever think that he is 'too much to handle' or an 'exhausting' presence in my life. Or that he truly think himself a nerd and thereby become blissfully uncool! As his mother and the person that is with him nearly 100% of the time, it is my job to speak goodness and love into his life. I am discovering that there are ways that I can release what I am feeling without negative connotation.
Instead of, "You are so exhausting!" I can speak, "You are so adventurous!"
Instead of, "You little nerd!" I can speak, "You are so funny!"
Instead of, "You are such a handful!" I can speak, "You keep Mommy on her toes!"
Ephesians 4:29-32 states, "Watch the way you talk. let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift."
A gift. With the words we speak, we can give gifts of encouragement, love, and tenderness. Each time I talk to Finn, I can choose to let him know that I love him and that I think he is an amazing blessing. May this sweet little boy never doubt that he is loved!
Similarly, as I concentrate on speaking positive words over my son, I am also practicing doing the same thing over myself.
'Brat' and 'selfish' do not have to be burdens weighing me down as constant reminders of how I used to be. Rather, they can be catalysts to remind me how not to be. I may have a spunky attitude, but I am not a brat. I may have grown up selfishly wanting my own way, but as an adult woman I can pour myself out to be a blessing for others. Words do not define us; actions do. But words can have one heck of an impact. May I use my words as gifts, to bless, and to find beautiful things in others.
Romans 12:17: "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everyone."
"Don't let evil get the best of you. Get the best of evil by doing good." Romans 12:21
1 Peter 3:8-11 says, "Summing up: Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble. That goes for all of you, no exceptions. No retaliation. No sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless - that's your job, to bless. you'll be a blessing and also get a blessing. Whoever wants to embrace life and see the day fill up with good, here's what you do; Say nothing evil or hurtful; snub evil and cultivate good; run after peace for all you're worth."
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