"Help"

I'm not sure how people who have held a precious baby in their arms and let their minds truly think about how that baby was formed for 9 months, can still doubt in the hand of a Creator.

There are so many, many things that have to go correctly in order for a baby to be born perfectly without complications. It is truly a miracle when a baby is flawlessly formed and birthed.

With that being said, complications aren't rare. Medical issues, physical deformities, and babies with special needs are fairly common, yet it doesn't mean that those precious babies are any less beautiful or as though they were neglected and forgotten in the forming process.

Matt and I have been fortunate to have 2 uncomplicated pregnancies.

This one has proven a bit different.

We found out yesterday that there is a cyst on our sweet baby's brain. This can be an indicator of a few possible chromosomal issues.

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster for the last couple of days - the exhilaration of the ultrasound appointment, the unmet expectation of not having a daughter, the thrill and embrace of naming our sweet baby and being able to call him by name, and then the crushing news that there could be something seriously wrong with the baby we love so much.

A few days ago, even before our ultrasound, I felt a song laid on my heart. "Good, Good Father" was my declaration going into this week, not knowing all that I would be facing. I lived this song, walking around the house singing it and even figuring out the chords on piano so that I could play it from my heart.

One of my favorite lyrics of this song says, "You are perfect in all of Your ways", and I sang that over and over again, seeking to embrace God's plan for us no matter what it was.

When we found out on Tuesday that we were having a boy, we immediately set out trying to settle on a name for him. That's one of our favorite parts - getting to call him by name. We finally chose "Ezra Noel", and Matt nearly cried happy tears. He had been set on that name this entire pregnancy. I had been the holdout - Ezra Fjerkenstad seemed a bit of a mouthful to me. Yet, when I discovered that the name means "help", my mind was changed. Help was the one thing I knew I needed through this pregnancy - help with my sickness, my exhaustion, my feeling overwhelmed about having 3 young kids.

Naming him brought so much peace and anticipation to his impending arrival.

Then Wednesday afternoon came, and a scary phone call from our OB nurse. That afternoon as tears flowed, I read in Psalm 20:6: "That cinches it - help's coming, an answer's on the way, everything's going to work out".

I smiled at God's goodness that I should read that psalm that day of all days. Peace flowed in.

Later that day, my mother-in-law Lynette called to pray with me. On the voicemail she spoke a couple different times that God is a "good, good father" and able to be trusted. She had no clue I had been clinging to that song. Peace flooded in.

When my mind has been troubled these past few days, I turn on worship music and direct my eyes to the one sure Help I have, God my Father Who loves me and works all things for good.

Here is the part where I say how I hesitated to post this. I could have just posted a professional singer and band singing the song. But because I have personalized this song so much, I felt like it was important to post a personalized version of it (with my very, very rough piano skills). I love this though because if you listen closely enough, you can hear Finn singing along with me. There's nothing quite like listening to your child sing along to a song like this!

We have an ultrasound Tuesday when we will discover more about what is going on with our baby. We highly value your prayers as we wait. Until Tuesday, we are focusing on expecting a good report.

Then our next hurdle will be breaking it to Finn that we are not naming the baby Batman.

It's A.....(gender reveal)

So you're pregnant with your 3rd baby?

The questions immediately start rolling in, and the most notorious is definitely:

"So, do you have any preference whether it is a boy or a girl?"

I am a terrible liar. Every single thing I feel shows up all over my face, so I don't even bother trying to pull one over on people. I answer:

"I would absolutely love a daughter. I've always wanted a daughter!!"

No shame about coming right out and saying it, no use giving the PC answer. God knows the desires of my heart and I really don't feel badly about stating them out loud.

To be supremely honest, I wanted a daughter when we were pregnant with Finn. I wanted a daughter when we were pregnant with Jonas.

I wanted to buy sweet dresses and bows. I wanted to play Barbies and dolls in lieu of trucks and trains. I wanted a daughter I could be so close with as she grew older and I could walk her through her complicated emotions and absurd hormones. I wanted a daughter that when she's young is content to sit in my lap rather than run around exerting energy like my big boys, and when she's older could sit and have long, deep conversations with me. I am fairly certain that I do not desire to be pregnant again, therefore this is our final chance!!

There were 3 separate people that spoke into us that we were having a girl.

I felt like God laid a name for a daughter on my heart.

Yet......it's a boy!

Let me say 100% honestly up front that as I was looking at that sweet boy today on ultrasound, I felt nothing but complete love for him. I am already aching to hold him in my arms. He is so amazing and I cherish every single kick that I feel him give me.

Even though with Finn and Jonas I began the pregnancy desiring daughters, something always switched in my heart before the ultrasound. I peacefully was ready to hear the ultrasound tech say "It's a boy!" Because of that, there was never a shred of disappointment. In His mercy, He prepared me.

Today was not quite like that. I really expected the opposite report. And we all know how expectations can complicate things!

I write this all as a way of processing...maybe it's a mistake to write it all down when my emotions are so raw. But again, I figure in the days to come it's going to be making it's way around anyway, and there's me with my face that gives my heart away. So I lay it all out here.

The disappointment is real. I don't think that our disappointments surprise God or mar His love for us.

I truly believe He gets it. He understands layers deeper than anything I ever could.

And this is just one day on the journey of 1,000 steps. It may take awhile to work it all out. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

He knows exactly what we need. He knows exactly what He's doing. He is ever faithful and always so, so good. He loves me and cares about the fact that my heart is a little broken today at what seems like the death of a long-held hope and desire. I can say with absolute certainty that I trust His will; this disappointment is only for a day and I know that one day I will see His absolute gracious provision in blessing us with 3 amazing, astounding boys.

One day. Today is for processing and embracing His perfect plan.

I remember my sophomore year of college when I was dating a guy who I thought was the whole package. When he broke up with me, I remember feeling so devastated and embarrassed that I literally hid out in my dorm room for two days. I was not prepared to talk about it at all, even with my best friend and roommate. It was the end of a hope and desire then, too.

And now, at 13 years past that experience, I wish I could go back and whisper in 20 year old Gretchen's ear: "It's okay. This is more than okay. It is a victory and a gift that this relationship ended. God has so much more ahead for you. Let this hope die and accept and trust the heart of your Father who works all things for good. There is a new hope ahead that will kick this hope's butt. Trust and take His hand!"

I cling to that today as I accept what looks to be the ending of this hope for a daughter. I am letting go of my desires in order to better hold onto what God has ahead for me. Somehow, I think future-Gretchen wishes she could whisper to me of all of the wonderful things that God has on this journey ahead.

Stubborn Choice

So, I wish that I could say that since my last blog, I have been living in total victory over discouragement.

In all actuality, the opposite is probably true. Life has not magically gotten easier. I didn't crack the code of some long kept ancient secret to never being discouraged.

Days are still hard and it is still a daily battle and it truly takes a stubborn choice sometimes to NOT be discouraged.

Over the weekend, I had the most annoying strain of stomach virus. I use the word annoying because it made me feel just sick enough: my body was achy and sick, but my mind was jetting around inside of my head, trying to beckon me to do the enormous list of things I knew needed to be done.

Talk about frustration. I can't turn my brain off and I can't find my body's on switch. I felt helpless and hopeless and just so very, very sad. Maybe a little sorry for myself. It was the 4th time I have been sick during this pregnancy, other than the standard nausea and exhaustion, and I was just so very done.

The last time I remember feeling this way was right after Jonas was born. I was so eager to get up and get moving and conquer the world of mothering two sweet boys.

I just couldn't.

The postpartum period was rough with Jonas because of the physical effects of the labor. While my mind was aching to use my "I'm a mother of TWO" anxiety to get active and prove to everyone (to myself) that I could do this, my body just simply would not cooperate.

I could barely walk. I could barely sit.

I could lay pretty well though, so there's that.

I had to accept others' help, rather than prove to everyone (to myself) that I could successfully mother two boys.

It was frustrating, but it was a phase.

So I try to keep that in mind as I feel like I deal with one sickness after another, one nauseous day after another, one lousy night of sleep after another.

It is frustrating, but it is a phase.

In the midst of dealing with all of these physical symptoms, I am clearly feeling some mental anxiety about having a third child. I am nervous. I don't feel like the natural mothering type and I am very hard on myself and I compare myself to others who do it so much better and I spin myself into circles and then into knots.

I so badly want to be amazing at this but so often do not feel like I am.

I want to prove to everyone (to myself) that I am a good mother.

Then yesterday morning I read it.

"If you're a hard worker and do a good job, you deserve your pay; we don't call your wages a gift. But if you see that the job is too big for you, that it's something only God can do, and you trust him to do it - you could never do it for yourself no matter how hard and long you worked - well, that trusting-him-to-do-it is what gets you set right with God, by God. Sheer gift." Romans 4:4-5 MSG

In that moment, I was blissfully reminded that I cannot do it "all", nor am I expected to.

When mothering feels overwhelming to me and I feel so far less than excellent at it, I remember the help that is at my right hand by calling on God. My Deliverer, my Helper, the God Who sees me.

It honestly brings a sigh of relief to my exhausted body when I bask in the reality of His help. I know it not just as something that I read about in His Word, but as something that is true and lasting and comes right when I need it. I've called out for His help in a moment of despair or confusion and felt the immediate lightening of my problem.

I state here and now that I am not a perfect mother by my own abilities. I am far too often overwhelmed by all that I feel needs to be done and yet underwhelmed by what I feel are my own abilities.

But when I call on God and trust Him to act, I have all the help I will ever need. 

Breathe. Relax. Trust.

A Common Plague

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I've been fighting discouragement.

Discouragement is a common plague, a nearly daily deluge of bad news sent to make us feel that our circumstances are unconquerable, impenetrable, and fantastically beyond our ability to deal.

Lately, my source of discouragement has been parenting. This pregnancy has zapped me of so much energy, that I have to physically fight myself off the couch multiple times a day. I wipe little butts and feed faces and keep everything else fairly picked up, but when it comes to going above and beyond that, it has been a battle. At times, I can almost feel an invisible hand holding me down in my seated (or lying down) position, like a magnet planting me to the couch. This week I've just been down; I was finally getting an iota of energy back, and then I got a cold so I still feel blah and lousy. I just want to feel normal, like myself, again.

I'm tired. And nauseous - I just don't feel good. But I know I do not have it that bad really, so I mentally challenge myself to not complain.

However, in my heart, I feel down and easily discouraged. I hear thoughts prance through my brain:

"Your house is tiny, how is it that hard to keep clean?"
"How will you possibly have energy to take care of another child?"
"You are going to be tired and overwhelmed forever"

We have been talking about discouragement for the past few weeks in the young women's group I lead at our church on Wednesday nights. The unique thing to me about this topic is that, unlike many of the other issues we have discussed (fear, insecurity, shame), this one admittedly affects US ALL.

Let's be honest - it doesn't take much to get discouraged. Sometimes it only takes one small mishap or misstep. Sometimes we get discouraged when we are overwhelmed - we feel like there is no way we can possibly do everything being asked of us. Sometimes we get discouraged when we're bored - we feel like there's no greater purpose or calling for us. Sometimes discouragement comes from being disappointed by other people, and sometimes is materializes from within ourselves.

Discouragement leads us to ask ourselves, "What I'm doing is not working, so what's the point?"

A couple of weeks ago I was pondering discouragement in order to prepare for group. My mind wandered a bit to the human video drama that we had done in church a couple of days before. I thought about several of the really nice comments that I heard from people and was encouraged. But there was a part of me that was a little baffled, because when I create and do human videos, my head tends to tell me, "Gretchen, you're just putting random movements to music. What's so special about that?"

I have acknowledged for years that the movements certainly aren't special because I create them. They are special when, and only when, God works through them.

Without God, they are simple movements. With God, they are anointed and point people to Him.

And it was then that a thought hit me - discouragement occurs when we neglect to factor God into the situation.

When I look at the human videos I have created, it is easy to feel critical and doubtful that they will be any good at all. Even ones that I have done numerous times, I find myself praying for God to use it again, because if He doesn't it will look like a 3rd grader creating a dance to an Amy Grant song (which I maybe used to do).

Likewise, when I feel exhausted and blah and nauseous, it is easy to feel like I will never feel normal again. But when I intentionally look to God, I am able to remember that He has promised to give me the strength I need for each day. I remember that He has blessed this pregnancy and He will give me the grace I need to parent three children. He will meet me where I need Him, every time.

I had kind of a fun exercise looking at places where I get easily discouraged to see if this was true across the board - that discouragement happens when we neglect to factor in God. And sure enough, each of my discouragement triggers were all about my own lack:

 - As a mother, I get discouraged by feeling like I daily fail my boys. But when I factor God in, I am reminded that I am the exact mama that my boys need and though I am far from perfect, I am present and engaged and loving. What I lack in calm demeanor, I make up for with effusive love.

 - As a singer, I get discouraged by feeling like my voice is not strong or controlled enough. But when I factor God in, I am reminded that His glory is all that matters and I have nothing to prove. I am a vessel to display Him, and there's nothing I love more than displaying Him.

 - As a wife, I get discouraged by feeling relationally needy or exhaustedly removed (sometimes at the exact same time!!). But when I factor God in, I am reminded that He has given me everything I need to be a good wife and I just need to be obedient. I need to engage, support, and love my husband well, and that may look different in different seasons. God has also given me a patient husband, who responds so beautifully to me when I am honest about how I am feeling.

These are things to be thankful for and encouraged by, not burdens by which to be brought low.

The list goes on and on, truly. The things that discourage me about being a counselor, or a leader of Bible studies, or a friend.....they all completely transform when I factor in God and His wondrously true promises. If discouragement happens when I am focusing on my lack and everything I don't have to conquer the looming mountains ahead of me, then certainly focusing on the abundance of the Lord corrects my perspective.

There was a sermon I heard awhile ago that centered on the story of David and Goliath. There was one very cool realization from it that has stuck with me still. The Israelite army were utterly discouraged and defeated by the presence of this 9 foot tall giant that was taunting them. They had no will or drive to fight the Philistine beast. But David was different. He did not focus on how big the giant was or how small and young he himself was. He was focused on God. When the giant shouted out his taunts one more time, David shouted back:
"You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied...All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord's and he will give all of you into our hands." - 1 Samuel 17: 45, 47

Though the threats against us loom large and can easily discourage, sometimes we just have to shout back at them about all that God has promised us in His Word. We are more than conquerors indeed (Romans 8:37). You've got to know His Word to speak His words. Read, memorize, and yes, actually speak them out loud!

Finn is getting to the age when he loves picking flowers for me. He recently picked me a bouquet of dandelions - "They're yellow! My favorite!!". I placed them on the counter so I could look at them and let him know how much I appreciated his thoughtfulness. However, the next day, he saw them there and was bewildered when he saw the flowers (weeds?) wilting. He was a little sad about it, so I had to explain that the flowers died because they were plucked from their life source. This was a brilliant illustration to me that all things die when they are plucked from their life source. When we picture a world without God factored in, of course we get discouraged. This world is all kinds of mess. But when we factor Him in, or rather, when we center our lack and our resources around Him, we are connected to the Life Source from which we have everything that we need.

Discouragement is simply writing God out of the equation. So next time you feel discouraged, write Him back in. Even better, write everything else around HIM! Remember that He formed you and loves you and is with you. Speak His promises over your situation and see if you aren't immediately encouraged.

What's the Big Deal About Easter?

When I was a little girl, my mom was in a singing group called Gentle Praise. They sang beautifully and wore matching outfits and I loved watching them sing together. My favorite song that they sang was "This Same Jesus", a wonderful '80's song that ministered each time they performed. I would sit there, wide-eyed, and just feel the feels that the song brought about. I found the original version today on YouTube, and while it's not Gentle Praise, the Talleys do it decently too! If you listen, enjoy the excellently vintage Jesus clips:

This song still actually ministers to me, but not quite in the same way. When I was little, I used to imagine Jesus' second coming and watch for Him in the clouds when they broke apart in particularly beautiful ways. It still stirs my heart to think of it. This song speaks powerfully of the past that was and future to come. 

But...what about the present? 

I know that Easter has gotten rather muddled over the last couple decades or so. The Easter Bunny is a distraction and Jesus didn't die just so we could give our kids candy. I know it's easy to get lost in all of that. It's easy, especially for those who don't know Jesus, to ask, "What's the big deal about Easter?"

For me, it absolutely is that Jesus was beaten and crucified for my sins. 

It absolutely is that His love for me is what compelled him onward when He could have ravaged everyone ravaging Him. 

It absolutely is the fact that the grave could not hold Him and He overcame death in His power. 

But also, this: HE'S STILL ALIVE!!!!! That SAME Jesus that rose 2,000+ years ago, is the SAME Jesus that is with us today. Romans 8:34 says, "Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died -- more than that, who was raised to life --is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us".

His mission of love met it's fulfillment on the cross, but it is still with us today. He died, rose to life, and intercedes for us. His love goes on!!! And on, and on, and on (and on, and on, and on). 

And on. 

A couple of months ago, I was inspired to put together a drama for Easter Sunday. From the moment I set out to do it, I heard a song and knew exactly what the drama should be about. Essentially, the message of the drama is this: that the same Jesus who conquered the grave on that first Easter morning is the same Jesus who is with us in our current messes. He has the same power and love that He did then, and He still lavishes it on us. 

How does He still work today?

 - He loves us as a father. In Luke 11:2, He instructs that when we pray, we address Him as Father. A good father is a protector and provider, armed with strength and love. God is the ultimate good Father. Psalm 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling." Psalm 27:10 says, "Though my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me."

A father doesn't go anywhere. A father is a steady foundation. A father sacrifices for His children. 

Yep. Nailed it. That's my God. 

 - He sends angels in times of need. I can't speak of this personally, because I'm not sure I've ever felt it. But I absolutely believe it. I've heard amazing testimonies about it. Hebrews 1:14 says, "Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvations?" Luke 4:10 says, 'For it is written, 'He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you carefully.". There's a peace that comes when we realize His heart to love and protect us. Bad things happen, yes, but nothing outside of the realm of His control. His love, in any situation, is absolutely trustworthy. 

 - He uses us. As Christians, we do not get to sit idly by when things are going well. We are to be diligent and active in our prayer and worship. Through these things, God will often compel us to minister to others. 2 Corinthians 2:1 says, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." Have you ever felt compelled to walk with someone through a hard time because you understood exactly how awful it was? That's God using you. So we wouldn't get too puffed up about that, we are reminded that it is through His strength that we serve (1 Peter 4:11). Philippians 2:13 : "For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose". 

These are interesting times. There is so much nastiness and hate absorbing our world. In all of the headlines and stomach-churning news, our ONLY HOPE remains Jesus. His love, His sacrifice, His mercy. 

God is working in every day life. He's there if you're looking. 

For anyone reading this who has no plans to attend a church on Easter Sunday, I invite you to mine. It is a love-filled church and you will be welcomed as you are. Services are 8:30 and 10:45 (Donuts at 10 and Easter egg hunt for the kiddos at 10:15)!!! 

Sioux Falls First Assembly of God, 6300 W. 41st St.

Matthew 28:1-10: "After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb. There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men. The angel said to the women, 'Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him'. Now I have told you'. So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. Suddenly Jesus met them, 'Greetings,' he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him. Then Jesus said to them, 'Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me'". 

On Rejection

For years and years and years, as long as I can remember really, I have had this insecurity complex where I brace to be rejected. I had this feeling that unless someone explicitly shows they like me, they probably don't.

If someone didn't specifically tell me I was doing a good job, I assumed I wasn't meeting their expectations or was letting them down.

Even further, if someone actually rejected me, even jokingly, I took it hard.

I cowered in the face of rejection.

Please like me. Please, please like me.

At times this has led me to extreme perfectionism. Because you can't get hurt if you do it best, right?At times it has led me to extreme apathy. Because you can't fail if you don't even try, right?

I don't know if I even really realized this about myself until the last year or so. I just thought I was super sensitive. I was going through some really personal battles, and by praying and studying and listening, I discovered a deep root of rejection in my life.

As has been typical since I became a mother, I have recently become privy to how rejection affects me in my most important role of being a mother. We bring our baggage everywhere, especially into parenthood.

My relationships with my two sweet boys are pretty different. From the time Finn was born, I absolutely loved him. I couldn't wait until the moments when he got older and would cry when I left. I stated on numerous occasions that I wanted to be his #1 person; I was his mommy after all. But Finn didn't show his love for me in the way for which I was longing. He was typically happy to leave my side, especially if he was staying with one of his grandmas. He lit up whenever Matt walked into the room, but not usually when I would. He was used to me. I think he maybe cried once when I dropped him off at nursery, but otherwise he was like, "See ya, mommy! I'ma gonna play!"

Because he didn't show his love for me in the way that I was expecting/hoping, the slightest feeling of rejection from him rocked me. I didn't feel loved, and what kind of mother isn't loved by her own child??? When he would openly prefer someone else, I would feel humiliated. The first time he said he didn't like me upon being disciplined, I shattered. When I would go to pick him up and he would cry to stay where he was, I would bite my lip and try to wait until I got to the car to cry. I felt unloved and unwanted, by my child. Children are supposed to fill our love holes....right?

It's tough acknowledging my frailty in these memories. It's tough to document.

On the other hand, Jonas has always preferred me. Even as a newborn, he clearly wanted me more than anyone else. He lights up when he sees me and looks for me before anyone else. He bawls when I drop him off at the nursery. He always, always comes to me when he gets hurt and needs comfort. He loves me the way I always expected my child would.

But.

A few weeks ago, Matt's mom watched the boys while Matt and I helped with the women's conference at our church. It wasn't until last week, however, that I saw a note hanging on the fridge:

My heart lit up. "He thinks that about me?! Wow!" I had no clue that Finn felt that way about me. It touched my heart more than I can really express. It may seem small, but that kind of indicates how much I needed to hear something positive. I feel like a failure much of the time.

When I mother from a place of rejection, or trying not to feel rejected, it doesn't inspire affection in my children. My kids are going to show they love me by their own unique personalities. Jonas is social and effusive - ask anyone. Finn is shy at first and then blossoms.

It is impossible to compare the two - each so different, each so special.

I truly believe that both of my boys love me and look to me as their safe place, they just show it in different ways. It's taken awhile to get there, but get there I did. I am learning to operate from a place of believing that I am loved.

When I mother from a place of knowing, truly knowing, that I am loved, it frees me up. I don't need to try to earn their love, because it's all mine already. I don't need to prove myself worthy as a mother; God has made me a mother, therefore I am anointed to be a mother. I am still learning confidence in mothering, but I can say this - the more confident I am, the more confident, secure, and stable my boys are. I've seen it.

Entering our relationships from a place of insecurity always leads us down a road where nothing will ever be good enough. No affirmative word will last long enough. No quality time will be perfect enough. No gift will be thoughtful enough.

I remember when Matt and I were dating and I felt insecure in our relationship, afraid of being rejected. I couldn't wait to have a ring on my finger to prove to others (and myself) that this wonderful man really did want me. But then as soon as we were engaged, I started counting down the days until we were married. Because you see, if it was legal, then there was no getting out it for him!!

It was three months into our marriage when I started getting hit hard with insomnia and anxiety. Looking back, I know that a big part of the anxiety for me was - once again - fearing that he wouldn't want me anymore if I fell apart on him. Well, fall apart I did. And yet - he still wanted me. He still pursued my broken heart. He was steady in all of my unsteadiness.

That year taught me that Matt can see me at my lowest.....and still love me. Because of that year, I know that Matt will stick with me through it all. My insecurity in our relationship slowly dissipated. I was no longer waiting to be rejected.

When I relate to others from a place of brokenness, it only begets more brokenness. It breeds insecurity and jealousy and striving for my selfish ambitions. I constantly try to protect myself.

WONDROUS NEWS!!!! I can relate to them from the place of fullness that Christ offers me -  I do not need them to fill me because, honey, I'm full. Let me pour out. I can know that I'm not enough on my own but I'm enough in Jesus. Let me be available when you need me, I can be there.

This is when I have the joy to do the tough task set before me. I have peace that I am doing a good job and don't need nearly as much outward approval.


1 John 3:18-22 :"My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what please him." MSG

Tough Questions

Finn is big on the idea of bad guys. He is at the developmental stage where he understands things as being good or bad. Black or white.

Because of his daddy, he knows by heart who Superman's bad guys are, who Batman's bad guys are, who Flash's bad guys are. He's fascinated by the whole thing! He even has a made-up game called "Bad Guys" that he loves to play - especially with his two grandmas. There is a part of him that even thinks the bad guys are cooler than the superheroes they fight.

The other day, he was playing with his superhero guys at our kitchen table. Then I hear him ask, "Mommy, who is Jesus' bad guy?". Caught a little bit by surprise, it took me a second to find the answer in my mind. After a pause, I replied, "Jesus' bad guy is Satan." This just led to more questions:
"Why is he bad?"
"What bad things does he do?"
"What does he look like?"

Uhhhhh...

These questions each stretched my brain more than I would have guessed. I almost called Matt and asked him to tag in for me. In my head I know the answers to these questions, or at least an idea of where to find them in the Bible. But putting the answers into comprehensible words was new for me. I've never had to answer questions like these because, for the majority of my life, I have been surrounded by other Christians. It has been years and years since I have been asked to explain my faith. One of my favorite things to do is to talk about Jesus, but it is always with other believers.

My life has been mostly surrounded by my family, my youth group, my high school friends (all my best friends were Christians), my Christian college friends, my Alaskan church friends, my Arkansan Chi Alpha friends, my current church friends. Christians.

The closest I have come to an experience of tongue-tie-mania like this one was with my good friend from Minneapolis, Eric. Eric and I worked together as servers at Old Spaghetti Factory. He was one of my favorite people to work with because he was almost always happy. We both loved to laugh and sing while we were preparing salads and getting drinks. We sang so much that we began to label each night we worked with a different theme: one night would be strictly Broadway songs, another would be songs from Disney movies, etc. He was my good friend. He is gay.

Eric knew I went to a Christian college. We often had deep conversations about God and theology. One night he looked at me and asked, "Gretchen, do you believe I am going to hell when I die?"

I felt like someone had simultaneously sucked all of the air from my lungs and the thoughts from my head. I gave him an honest answer and our friendship only grew stronger.

The Word teaches us that we need to be ready for when people ask us the tough questions.

1 Peter 3:15 - "But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope you have. But do this with gentleness and respect"
Colossians 4:6 - "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone"

I know why I live a life of faith: I love God and I can see evidence in my life of His goodness and faithfulness. But can I explain it to others? I need to be able to articulate:
A) so I can appropriately teach my children about God and
B) so that I can answer others' questions about Him as well.

I know my own testimony and what God has brought me through. My experiences with God give me a good start but they are not everything I need to know.

My oldest son is just reaching the age where he is beginning to ask the tough questions. I have years and years of tough questions ahead of me, and it's not something I take lightly.

I pray that I not only provide the answers to point my boys towards Jesus, but that I also am able to live what I speak.

One thing is certain: I cannot do it all on my own.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." - James 1:5