Laggadocious Faith

I have dealt with a fear of money and its provision for as long as I can remember.

When I was 12 years old, I took my brother's old job as a newspaper carrier as a way to "start saving for college". Once I outgrew that, I worked as a party coach (don't ask) at a kid's playland, a server/dishwasher at a retirement home, and a receptionist at a hair salon - all at various times throughout high school. And I did save most of that money. I never shopped much for clothes or fancy products. Most of my money went to junk food that couldn't be found in our house, going out to movies with friends, and penny pop. My first and only big purchase was a Wilson tennis racket that I still use to this day. Some of the money also went to the two missions trips I took in high school.

But I was a good saver. I've always been a good saver. Some people say stingy or frugal. I say saver.

Suffice it to say, I was woefully disappointed when the money I had saved was no where near what I would need for even a year at North Central University, my college of choice. The first day that I arrived at college I was all ready to move in and settle in and get to know people. But before I could do any of that, admissions informed me that I had to settle my financial accounts. I spent the next 3 1/2 hours trudging from billing to financial aid and back, waiting in lines and filling out paperwork.

It can only be described as one of the most frustrating days of my life.

Although I do believe that North Central was what God wanted me to do, I wish that someone had informed me of the repercussions of student loans. Even though I worked throughout college in a variety of jobs, the pricetag for college was more than I could manage without students loans. I wish that I had known that of the weight them would be on my life for, like, ever (going on 7 years of consistent payments and I feel like I still owe as much as I did when I graduated).

I'm not a psychologist, but if I were to analyze myself and the anxiety that arises within me when money is tight, I think that I would have to ascertain that the anxiety exists for decent reason.

I have lived at the edge of money's worst case scenario. I don't want to share all of the money problems of my childhood years on this blog, because I feel as though those details are not just my story. They belong to my entire family and some might not want those details shared. Sharing them might bring pain or embarrassment or annoyance at my tendency to over-share. I don't want that.

Without sharing specifics, those things weren't detrimental to my well-being and my family always pulled through to have enough. But I would still say that the financial roller-coaster of my younger years contributed to the money-related anxiety that I still deal with today.

I have gone to God with this problem many times over the years, wondering why He would allow our family that loved Him and served Him to go through such deep waters.

And in the place of my brain where wisdom exists, I know.

I know that He allowed it because some decisions that were made had repercussions, even if those repercussions were felt by innocent children.

I know that God provided the enough that we had. My mom has testified to this: how somehow, miraculously, our bills were met each month when she was a working single mother.

I know that it is easy to see in retrospect God's hand working things for good, despite all of the tough years and circumstances.

So why do I still worry?

The only thing that I can think of is that I want to avoid the suffering, the not-knowing, the checkbook-watching, the mental boxing match that comes with being financially strapped. I don't want to ride that roller-coaster ride. No thanks.

Because if I believe that God will hold me no matter what happens and that I am always safe with him - and I do - then what is it exactly that I am fearing?

I am fearing the worry of financial woes. I am fearing a stack of bills and not knowing how they will be paid. I am fearing being in a place of neediness. I want to know that I am taken care of; I want to be in control so that my financial situation does not require a miracle. Needing a miracle is a scary place to be  in.

But as I look out over the horizon of the next year, I know with certainty that we will need God's provision to make it through. I say this with about 60% excitement of how he is going to do it all, and 40% fear that He won't. Ug....talk about a lagging faith.

Here are some things I am studying to bolster this laggadocious faith (yay for made up words!):

** I need to be surrendered to God's will and not my own. Once I am okay with whatever God brings to pass - trusting Him no matter what - I find a place of rest. Romans 12:1 - "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary walking-around life - and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." (MSG)  Amen. Place my life as an offering before God - God helping me. I'm going to need that help, Lord!

** Needing to see God move in one's life is not a bad place to be in. 2 Corinthians 1:9-10 - "As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally - not a bad idea since he's the God who raises the dead! And he did it, rescued us from certain doom. And he'll do it again, rescuing us as many times as we need rescuing." (MSG). Amen. God still rescues. He can rescue. He will rescue. We need not depend on our own strength or wisdom, and sometimes we need to be forced into a place of trusting God. Even so, He rescues. 

** Suffering should not be feared, but welcomed. Christ promised it, but he also promised to be with us when we walk through it. Philippians 1:29 - "There's far more to this life than trusting in Christ. There's also suffering for him. And the suffering is as much a gift as the trusting." (MSG). Amen. Let me not fight off suffering with every valiant effort for control I make. Let me embrace it with a knowledge of His presence and help. Hebrews 5:8 says, "Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." (MSG). In lines with that, the suffering need not be feared because it serves many purposes, including bringing us into greater dependence on God and a knowledge of our neediness of Him.

** There is a freedom that comes when we rest, unencumbered by burdens, in God. God rewards the steps of faith that we take. And we can take steps of faith and still be scared. Hebrews 10:23-24 - "So let's do it - full of belief, confident that we're presentable in side and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out." (MSG). Amen. God has promised that He is my provider. So let me proceed forward by clinging to that promise. Let me not focus on my own needs but use my energy in a better way by loving others - perhaps those who are less fortunate than I am. 

So I am stepping out, clinging to the promises of God. I sometimes feel like the boy's father in Mark 9:24 who pleaded with Jesus to heal his son. Jesus responds to his request in verse 23: "If you can? ... everything is possible for one who believes."

"Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24 - NIV).

I do believe in your promises, God! Help my unbelief!

Love Languages

I have heard it said before that we tend to give out love the way that we like to receive it. 

For those who feel loved when being held or touched, they hold and touch. 

For those who feel loved when encouraged and affirmed, they encourage and affirm. 

For those who feel loved when things are done for them in service, they serve. 

For those who feel loved when spending quality time together, they give quality time. 

For those who feel loved with gifts, they give gifts. 

I have found this to be true in my own life, most definitely. 

I recognize it by the way that I feel when someone is speaking my love language. I feel valued, cherished, thought of. I feel more than loved; I feel known. 

Matt and I speak different love languages. It has taken some time to learn just how much he appreciates it when I bring him a gift to show him that I have been thinking of him while I was shopping at Target. When I make the gift an energy drink, I get to watch his face light up like an 8 year old. 

To me, I do enjoy when he thinks of me and gets me a gift at Target. 

But when he gives me words of affirmation and tells me how he loves me and why he loves me?

Overwhelmed.

Bowled over.

Tears.

Joy.

While it is good for me to know under what circumstances that I feel the most loved and best receive love, I can't just leave it at that. I need to be cognizant of the love that I give out as well. 

This is how I am working on it:

I have said on this blog before that I am a shy and timid person. In fact, it is in my "About Me" section that I hate small talk. 

While that isn't a lie by any means, I am beginning to realize that sometimes if I speak something enough over my life, I just might start to fully believe it. 

Because there is a need in me to be pursued, I can have a difficult time beginning conversations - going up to someone cold turkey and breaking the ice. 

Being the youngest child, I grew up having a lot of others do the talking for me. My best friend is a genius conversation holder. My husband could talk to a wall if he really wanted to. I am used to others carrying the conversation while I sit back and observe.

The truth is, I can be shy. However, when the need has called for it, I have risen to be an excellent talker and relationship pursuer.  

What I have begun to realize is that I can't always wait for others to make the first step.

How tragic it would be if someone went untalked to, or felt unloved, because it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I guess I just don't feel like I can really take that risk anymore. 

I have been called to love. Loving means loving the other person in the way that they can best receive it.......which may not always be my natural way of giving love. 

In this way, love means being uncomfortable. 

I have finally gotten comfortable with that. 

Fighting

This past week, Matt and I have gotten sucked into a show on Netflix called "Out of the Wild". There are two different seasons - one in Alaska, one in Venezuela - and we flew through both of them.

The show is essentially about a group of 9 people (different sets for each season) who are dropped in the middle of nowhere with only the tools that they will need for survival. They have no idea how long it will take to reach civilization. They will need to build their own shelters and forage for their own food. There is no prize money at the end, only a giant sense of accomplishment. At any point of the experience, a team member may hit an emergency GPS button that they carry and be rescued via helicopter.

Sounds like a load of fun, right?

Survivalistic shows usually aren't my cup of tea or what floats my boat, so I was surprised that I was so quickly hooked on this show.

I think that what ultimately sucked me in was the psychology of the show. It was fascinating to me to see how people dealt with the challenges thrown their way. Some people met them head on; no matter how little they had to eat or how long it rained, they focused on the positive and kept their eyes on the ultimate goal of reaching civilization. They knew this experience wouldn't last forever and they were determined to deal well with it. They stayed busy with the task at hand. But there were others who would relent at the smallest obstacle; these were the ones who sat around while others fished and worked on the shelters. These were the whiners. These were the GPS pushers.

The battles were waged in the mind, by the way each person viewed their circumstances.

Things got more interesting as the groups moved forward. Foraging for food was not always successful, which meant that they were often starving; the team members who lasted until the end lost a lot of weight. They faced days upon days of rain or cold and snow.

It was intriguing what excuses people gave for pushing their GPS buttons. Some were injured; some were scared for their health; some thought that they had gotten everything out of the experience that they could. One woman, after lasting 28 days, gave up and pushed her button, not knowing that her teammates would reach civilization the very next day.

Bummer.

I received a phone call this week from an old friend asking for prayer. She was sad and frustrated, dealing once more with an issue that has plagued her for awhile now.

When I returned her call, the only thing I felt important to tell her was to just not give up. Keep fighting the battle and know that God is her strength when she is weak. "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

I gave her this verse to encourage her:"God is strong and he wants you strong." Ephesians 6:10 (MSG).

Although I have not gone through the exact same battle as my friend, I know what it is like to face the same obstacle over and over again. I know what it is to get weary in the midst of the fight.

And it is because of that that I empathize with her. I know how tough it is and that sometimes it is impossible to imagine moving forward.

But the only alternative to fighting the battle is to give up. Throw in the towel. Hit the metaphorical GPS button and be helipcoptered away.

At times when the GPS button seems tempting, it is helpful to keep in mind that the only thing required of us is the next step.

The only thing required of us is to not give up.

The people on the show who made it all the way to the end understood that while they had no idea how long the trying journey would be nor how difficult, all that was required of them was the next step. Then the next step. Then the next.

1 Timothy 6:12 (AMP): "Fight the good fight of the faith;"

There was no prize money sitting in a pot at the end of this journey's rainbow. Each person who lasted did so because they always made the decision to keep on fighting.

One guy said at the end, "Quitting wasn't ever an option for me."

I understand the reasons for wanting to press the GPS button. Giving up can seem desirable for a multitude of reasons.

But at the end, I want to be the fighter who does not gives up.

1 Timothy 4:7-8 (MSG): "This is the only race worth running. I've run hard right to the finish, believed all the way. All that's left now is the shouting-God's applause! Depend on it, he's an honest judge. He'll do right not only by me, but by everyone eager for his coming."

Remembering

Yesterday after naps, my sister and I rounded up our boys and Mom and Bryan (who had flowers in hand) and made a family trip to the cemetery.

Cemeteries aren't typically a romp roarin' time.

But every time I visit, I enjoy reading the gravestones of those whom I do not know. I gaze at their names, the years they were born, how old they were when they died. I try to imagine what they looked like, marriages, children, what kind of job they may have had, what life was like during the years they were alive.

It may sound a touch creepy, but I love people's stories.

As we trudged through grass and chased down runaway boys (no wait, maybe that was just me chasing), we talked memories.

For 'twas Memorial Day, after all.

As we stood at my brother's headstone, I found myself watching Finn play nearby with his cousins. And it hit me - suddenly - how life has just..........gone on.

For my brother, Matt, life halted in that moment when he passed. But for the rest of us, life has progressed. It was a beautiful October day when our family stood in that same spot and said a final goodbye. That was 17 years ago; I was a 13 year old adolescent grappling with the loss of my brother. Now I stood in that exact same spot as a 30 year old woman, watching my sweet son play with his cousins and marveling at the spin of life.

As the boys took turns climbing on Matt's headstone, my mom said something that brought tears to my eyes and sent them rolling down my cheeks:

"Matt would have loved having you boys climb all over. Because he would have loved you all so much."

We each shared happy memories of Matt. Kiki shared of their long talks when she was in college. Mom shared about the way he threw his head back when he laughed. Bryan shared of how tall he stood when he walked mom down the aisle at their wedding. I shared about how he cleaned and bandaged my leg after a bad fall at the tennis courts.

On the day of Matt's funeral, our worship pastor at the time, Pastor Mark, came up to my mom and delivered a sweet gift. He told her that he saw Matt in heaven with grandpa (my mom's dad). Grandpa said that he was taking care of him.

That is a treasure that our entire family has held onto since that day.

The hope of heaven is real. It can cover, like a balm, the loss that is felt when we remember our lost loved ones.

Hope is a gift on Memorial Day.

Young Adult Love Overflow

I love working with young adults!

As I have written here before, I fully believe that this generation of young adults is going to change the world. They are the dreamers that have a passion and drive necessary to make a difference.

Matt and I have the immense honor of ministering to the young adult population in our church. During the Sunday School class, Monday night small group, and other hang out opportunities, we have heard the hearts of these young adults who face so many distractions in their daily lives, yet who are desperate for more of Jesus and ready to risk and sacrifice in order to know Him more.

* There are seniors graduating high school who are excited to see God's will unfold in their lives and to show God's love at the universities they will soon be attending.

* There are college students who are impacting their campuses by letting God shine naturally in their lives.

* There are others who are working full time jobs and who daily embrace the opportunities presented to them to love their co-workers and share what God is doing in their lives.

The young adult years can be many things: Tough. Educational. Inspiring. Heartbreaking. Limit Pushing.

Ultimately, to one who is open to God and His will, the young adult years will be a time when one really learns the steady support that God gives.

To our young adults:

You may find yourself for the first time having no one to call on except Him; and you will find Him to be enough for your situation. You will learn that the peace He provides is real and unshakable, the love He gives is all-encompassing, and His faithfulness can be trusted.

- You will be shown that sometimes life is tough so that you can know the comfort that God gives. 

- You will be shown that sometimes life is educational so that you can realize that you are never done understanding His ways. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is inspiring so that you will see how God still does miracles. 

- You will learn that sometimes life is heartbreaking so that you can learn how God can put a heart back together. 

- You will learn that sometimes life pushes us to our limits because that is how you will grow and develop the gifts that God has blessed you with. 

It is our joy and honor to learn with you, walk with you, and support you.

We really love you guys (you know who you are!).

I posted this song because it reminds me of the difference we can make in the day-to-day monotony.

You're already making a difference!

Planny McPlannerson

I am a woman who likes to know the plan. I thrive on plans.

* Each new semester, the first thing I do is turn to the schedule in my syllabus and write down the assignments in my planner so that I am prepared from the get-go.
* I have a schedule set with Finn and it helps to keep both of us sane.
* When I sing a solo at church I check and double check with Matt the counts of when I come in so that I can know exactly.
* I like to know when things start, when they end, and I am nearly never late.

Last week, my husband and I helped out our pastor and his wife by having their sons stay a couple of nights at our house. Matt was the one who had the schedule in his hands, so for awhile, I was at his mercy. I would ask him questions like, "What do we need to get for breakfast?", "What time do they need to wake up in the morning?", "Do they need to shower?". And he would give me each answer as I asked. The schedule was being revealed to me bit by bit.

It was an utter relief to me when he handed me the schedule. I studied it, making sure I didn't miss a thing, and immediately felt like I had a better handle on the next couple of days.

I am nearly always looking ahead, planning for the next step. One step at a time is difficult for me.

Sometimes I am amazed at my own ridiculous-osity.

Because I am always looking at the next step (or steps) in front of me, it often robs me of the joy in the present moment. Like how I find myself already dreading the fall and a busier schedule. Every time I hear the word August, my stomach drops because I already dread its promised chaos.

As God is a God who knows what I need, He has been gently nudging one message my way repeatedly the last couple of weeks.

It all started when I was perusing Pinterest last week and came upon the following quote:

"Chances are you can handle whatever is happening in this moment. That is all you'll ever need to do."

That thought seems so elementary, but it really was revolutionary to me. So I don't need to be prepared in advance for every scenario? I don't need to stockpile emotional and mental reserves in case of an emergency?

I would love it if life came with a road map. Graduate high school? Checkpoint. Graduate college? Checkpoint. Get married? Checkpoint. Have a baby? Checkpoint.

It is so tempting to gaze forward, planning and dreaming and imagining (or planning and dreading and worrying). But when I get too caught up in that, I complicate both the future I am striving for the present I am living in. It is enough to have the plan given one step at a time........trusting.

"What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiatve, God-provisions. 


Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." - Matthew 6:31-34 (MSG)

"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:31-34 (NIV)

(I love both versions so I had to post each!)

All that God requires of me is one step at a time. Therefore, that is all that I need to require of myself - it is arrogant of me to do otherwise, as though God doesn't truly have my best interests at heart. If I waste time studying the mountains in the distance, trying to prepare how I am going to scale them, I may stumble upon the easy path I am on now. I may miss this moment and its gifts.

In doing that, I may miss everything.

'Bout Time, Summer

I love summer! I am done with classes and can take a deep breath and just enjoy these next few months before things get really crazy next fall.

I get to spend all day every day with the sweetest, funniest boy I know.

My bestest friends are almost freed from the bonds of teaching for the summer, hence hangout time - zoos, parks, playdates.

My sister and her boys come in a couple weeks for a glorious month of relentless family bonding - and I mean that in the best possible way.

My husband and I are starting a small group for young adults which I am SO excited about.

Plus, I am actually enjoying running. Today as I rolled out of bed at 7 a.m., I smiled when I saw that the sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. I kind of couldn't wait to get out there.

So far, I have run 5 days since last Monday. On Saturday, I wasn't planning to run, but I was feeling cranky and just feeling like I needed to blow off some steam. So I ran, faster than I ever had before, in the wind (unprecedented!), and by the time I got home, I felt almost giddy. Mood swings: meet your match. Her name is running and she's a beast.

Today, I am eager to check off one thing off my to-do list. I get to go to the library and dig for new books to read!!

I love libraries. I get tiny little butterflies when I think about going to one - no joke. Ahhhh.....books. Endless supplies of books.

Even as a little girl I loved libraries. My mom would bring Josh and I there on Saturdays and then we would scatter. I would hole up somewhere in the teen fiction - probably right between The Baby-Sitters Club and Sweet Valley books. Literally planted on the floor, I would have piles around me, trying to decided which ones to check out. After all, my mom always gave us a limit of 7.

If I am being embarrassingly honest, I would still wander to that same section as an adult - back when the books were still being written - because I wanted to see what continued to happen to my favorite BSC girls from Stoneybrook. Were they still perpetually 13? Would they ever graduate to high school? How many times exactly could they re-live 8th grade?

So that's my agenda today. And it's fantastic.

Ahhhhhhh, summer.

On an equally sunny summer note, this past Friday was a big day for my husband - a day that he has been waiting a good year for. In many ways, I think he has been waiting most of his life for this day.

It was Avengers day.

As a little boy growing up, Matt devoured comic books and the escapism fantasy that they offered. Even now as a grown man, he can still get lost in the intricate back stories and superpowers of his favorite characters.

So Friday came. Matt had arranged for his mom to come to town and sit with Finn so that we could go together. I got a t-shirt for the occasion.

We got to the movie early and sat about halfway up the stadium seating. After a couple minutes, Matt decided it was a little too close, so we moved back to a more ideal spot in the last, top row.

As the movie time creeped closer, Matt started wringing his hands and shifting in his seat. We both took well planned bathroom breaks. In the couple minutes before, Matt actually began muttering, "Just start!" under his breath.

The next 2 hours and 20 minutes passed in splendid fashion. It was a truly great movie, and that's coming from someone who is still a comic book newbie.

The moral of the story is that my husband is cute. And summer is here! Bask! Enjoy!