The Great Cookie Debacle of 2011

Let me begin with a simple question: is there anything easier to bake than chocolate chip cookies?

I became a titch over-zealous last night. Forgetting the fortitude that it takes for me to successfully bake, I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. After all, I was coming off of a really great week.

I found out that I received an "A" on my midterm exam in Appraisal and thereby spent the next couple of days puffing myself up. It felt really good to be slightly overwhelmingly busy, but still manage to get an "A" on a tough midterm.

There wasn't anything I couldn't do! I am woman, hear me roar?

Hence, the over-zealous inclination that baking needed to be done.

But it has to be asked: how exactly does one manage to ruin chocolate chip cookies? The recipe is fairly standard and basic. The instructions are easy to understand and follow. But as far as my baking skills are concerned, the results leave much to be desired.

The first batch became one large cookie conglomerate, as all of the cookies ran together. Additionally, somehow the edges burned and subsequently stuck to the sheet.

First batch - are cookies supposed to be translucent?

The second batch was a fraction better. Now instead of one ginormous, burned-around-the-edges cookie, I had 12 single, burned-around-the-edges cookies. Success? Success-ish. 

The third batch was another fraction better, although still burned. I made Matt promise not to laugh at me; he promised and then thoroughly broke it. Who could blame him? After all, this stuff comes easy to him. 

Keep in mind that the best-looking cookies are at the top

In the midst of my cookie-making debacle, I had the thought that God saw it good for me to be humbled: "Sure, you may get A's on tests, but your cooking leaves much to be desired!" :)

But I have to admit, I was pretty sad that my cookies were so shabby. After all, if I can't even bake chocolate chip cookies, is there hope for me to ever become Holly Homemaker? 

That thought was reinforced again today, as I strove to clean up my seriously neglected house. Since I typically have to squeeze work in while Finn is napping, I am not able to attack housework during those times. Plus, trying to get it done with him awake is a challenge; therefore, it is easy to put it off. 

I am not sure what happened, but I did not get the same DNA strand that my mom and Kiki have to keep consistently clean homes. They are rock stars. Cleaning rock stars!

Speaking of rock stars - shout out to my favorite!

Since I did not get said clean gene, it always takes me awhile to gain my cleaning sea legs. On top of trying to occupy an 11 month old who only wants to play with whatever it is Mommy is using and not a corner of the house that didn't need attention, this morning definitely had hectic moments. 

What I learned? 

- Realize that if Finn is not getting enough attention, he will let me know

- Keep in mind that he is always more important than the task at hand and he does not deserve to be scolded for being curious in what I am doing

- Things can be attacked in greater intensity during 30 minute Baby Einstein break

- Baby cookies (i.e. not Mommy cookies) are a great distractor - for use in the high chair, while cleaning the kitchen

- Don't sit down. It is always easiest to keep moving. Newton had it right: an object in motion stays in motion unless something intervenes to bring it to rest. 

- A good reward for me on Fridays after a busy week is to get to sit down and blog

Happy weekend!

Busy McGee

Ufda! I have not had much time to post lately due to a hectic schedule! It seems as though our little Fjerky fam has been running around endlessly for the last month or so, but we have so much to be thankful for! The things that have been filling our lives are blessings - each and every one of them. Therefore, as we ride this busy season through, we just take a deep breath and do the next thing - whatever that may be!

I believe that I am truly cultivating the art of multi-tasking as our schedule fills in each week. For example, last week I had a midterm and was having a hard time sitting down and studying for it. It seemed as though when I would get a moment during Finn's naps where I wasn't working or catching up on something, I could not find the motivation to study as I waited for him to wake up. So instead I made flash cards and would quiz myself on them while I did other things. Waiting for my computer to restart? Study! Nursing Finn? Study! Driving across town? Study! (carefully, of course).

With Matt working a full time job and being the interim worship leader at our church, it definitely feels as though we see him less, which has been an adjustment. It is a very worthy adjustment to make however, in order to see him ministering in what he is passionate about. His joy and energy when he sings and leads people in worship is inspiring to me. Yesterday in church, I caught myself just smiling like a fool because I was just so happy for him (his joy was evident) and also so very proud of him. I am very fortunate to be his wife!

With all the crazinesses, I have found myself juggling to find a balance between it all. There is this truly cheesy Amy Grant song called "Hats" which talks about all the different (drumroll, please........) hats that she wears. I would post it here but I really don't want to because it is really that bad ("hats!").

I am balancing between trying to be: supportive, loving wife; teaching, loving mother; part-time employee and trainer;  studious, invested graduate student; not to mention friend, daughter, sister, small group member, human video director, and loyal church attendee!

Like I said, blessed.

The moments that I feel overwhelmed are wonderful opportunities to take a deep breath and give thanks.

And then?

Just do the next thing.

Okay.....I couldn't resist! Partake in this ear candy!

16 Years

The little yellow house on 4th Ave was a safe place. It was where our family released and relaxed and just was.

October 13, 1995; it was in this yellow house that I climbed the stairs to go to bed that Friday night. Kiki was away at college so it was just me upstairs with the sloped ceilings and trick closet.

About 2 a.m., I awoke from my sleep by the ringing of our doorbell, by swift knocking. I rolled out of bed wondering what could possibly be so important to warrant knocking AND ringing at such a time in the morning? The drama of the possibilities pulled me from my room and down the narrow staircase.

As I reached the bottom stair, I watched as my step-dad strode to the front door to respond to the ringing/knocking noise. When I saw a pair of policemen, I felt a flurry of nervous butterflies in my belly, wondering if one of my siblings had gotten into some trouble.

Bryan spoke briefly with the policemen and then I watched as he made his way down the hallway to my mom, who was just coming from their bedroom.

I was the sole witness as he told her what the police had told him. I watched as she broke down.

I continued to watch, not knowing what else to do. In my 13 years of experience, I had never seen anything like this before.

My anxiety was increasing....what would cause my mom to break down so? She didn't break down, ever. She was a rock. Our rock.

I watched still as she somehow found her way through the kitchen and began walking downstairs. I followed, my stomach tight. What was going on?! Mom had seated herself near the bottom of the steps in order to talk with my brother, Josh.

Had Josh done something? Was he in trouble?

I sat quietly, nervously at the top of the stairs.

"Matthew was killed in a car accident tonight."

And with those words, life changed, safety shattered.

I don't remember getting up from the stairs, but I do remember the phone calls to my sisters and my dad.

I remember waking up the next morning in my mom's bed and thinking that the police could have somehow made a mistake.

I remember looks of concern and pity.

I remember standing in the kitchen in a circle with my siblings, each holding one of Matt's bandanas and each crying.

I remember thinking over and over again, "But just last week he was standing right there in the doorway making fun of our pumpkin decorating skills..."

It has been 16 years, but those moments are seared into my memory like a bright red brushstroke against an otherwise blurry photograph. And the truth is, I don't ever want to forget. There is something sacred in remembering the moments that change your life forever.

At All Times

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn, my mind jumps around, I envy those all over the world who are sleeping peacefully. There is usually no consistent reason for this trouble: sometimes I have things on my mind, sometimes I stress myself out, sometimes I just lay restfully and wait for the sleep to come.

Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....

And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"

But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4

YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!

After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.

This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.

So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."

That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.

Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.

May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.

Rack, Shack and Benny

I recently got thrown into a bit of a tailspin.

Something that I had come to depend on as a loyal safety net was suddenly pulled from me and I felt a bit as though I was flailing.

As I have discovered in the past, if I focused on the loss or the stir of trouble, I quickly became sick to my stomach with anxiety. But, rejoice! If I focused on God and the belief of His sovereignty, peace remained.

I had to do this more than once, more than 10 times, really. Then I guess I just did it so much that the fear got tired of trying and stayed away!

This morning as I was praying, I found myself thinking about Rack, Shack and Benny.

Rack, Shack and Benny; otherwise known as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).

I was thinking of their amazing story, of their total commitment to God: to refuse to bow down to King Nebuchadnezzar's god and thereby be thrown into (and saved from) the fiery furnace.

And I began putting myself in their shoes.......would I have been able to take that same bold stance for God? Would I have rather been thrown into the furnace than bow before another? Would I have gotten to experience the wonder of not getting burned by the fire?

Tragically, this is what came to my mind: "Well, I could do that if I was in the right frame of mind."

I began to try to decipher why that was my first reaction. After all, what does that mean? To be in the 'right frame of mind'?

It basically all came down to the fact that sometimes I feel close enough to God to risk anything for Him and obey Him no matter what He asks. Other times, our relationship isn't as easy or simple for me to trust.

More than anything, that passing thought gave me good reason to evaluate what it would take to remain in that so-called 'right frame of mind'. I don't have the entirety of my relationship with God figured out in statistics or black and white obviousness, but I do know that I want to consistently remain in the frame of mind that I would rather die than disown or disobey Him. I want to be a Rack, Shack and Benny compadre.

One of the first verses that I remember learning was 2 Timothy 1:7: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I always gravitated to this verse because fear has always been a struggle of mine and it reminds me that fear is not what God wants for me. He wants me to be "of sound mind".

I remember being a bit disillusioned however, upon reading the NIV: "For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline." Self-discipline? Can't I have a sound mind instead? Trade-sies?

About a month ago I was thinking about this verse and why it was translated in different versions as "sound mind" and "self-discipline". What is the similarity that exists between them?

Perhaps, just maybe.........sound mind = self-discipline.

Perhaps, just maybe, we often come to be of sound mind through self-discipline - the self-discipline of training our minds to be sound.

This was truly revelatory to me, like two puzzle pieces fitting together.

It is pretty clear that Rack, Shack and Benny would not have been able to choose what they did and see a miracle of God if they had been operating in fear, rather than from a trifecta of soundness. If they had been focusing on the fire or their fear of being burned, they most likely would have acted to appease King Nebuchadnezzar. But they were focused on God and knew that He was bigger than the issue they were facing. This gave them the sound minds they needed to know that whatever happened, they could trust God.

For people like me, a sound mind is not a trait that comes naturally. Rather, it is something that I need to work hard to cultivate in myself because that is what God wants me, as His follower, to have.

The cultivating comes by recognizing fearful and anxious thoughts and replacing them with the word of God; by spending more time thinking about God's character and love than about myself or my situation.

"Truth is never at the mercy of facts. Facts say I feel lonely and afraid. Truth says, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you'." - Damon Thompson

I'm still learning. And sometimes I have to choose to focus on God 10-plus times before the anxious thoughts get tired and give up.

But there is a sound mind to be had and I'm going to get it.

Kicking My Own Booty - Day ?????

I remember when I first got pregnant, there was an innate part of me that was hoping I would be the woman whose weight dropped off effortlessly post-baby. After all, I had genetics in my favor - if you've seen my mom you know what I mean :).

It turns out, that wasn't so much the case. BUT here I am, 9 months later and I can say that I have officially lost my baby weight....even a couple pounds more than. Granted, I have a little extra baggage in certain areas than I had pre-baby, but the pounds don't lie, right?

It seems equitable to me: 9 months to gain the weight, 9 months to lose it.

It seemed as though the proper reward for losing the baby weight was a semi-makeover, so today I dyed my hair brunette, which is something I have been wanting to try for awhile. And what can I say - I really love it!

(Un-styled, but you get the idea)

And finally, a few gratitude shout-outs:

Devin - for giving me insight into the uncharted territory of healthful living and eating

Matt - for saying I was beautiful even when I felt far from it

Finn - for being worth every pound

Kiki - my biggest cheerleader and empathizer

My scale - for finally being on my side

And to all those who love me large and love me not so large...............

a genuine thank you.

Errr.....Awkward Pause

I hate awkward pauses. I think that is the primary reason that I am not a fan of small talk.

"How are you?"
"Good! How are you?"
"I'm good."
"Err....ummmm.....uhhhhhh. "

.........................awkward.................................pause.

"Okay then! See you later!"

But really I think I hate it because I am not very good at it, unlike my husband who I have always said could have a conversation with a wall:

"Hey wall! How are you? I like your paint! You're pretty sturdy! Say hello to your mother for me, alright?"

I often don't initiate conversation with others unless I can mentally note about 5 conversation topics should the awkward pause rear its ugly head. Its really that bad for this introverted, shy, clumsy girl.

As I was driving down to Vermillion yesterday for class, I was praying for my family and it hit me that sometimes life feels like one, long awkward pause. It is as though we are always in a state of paused waiting....waiting to graduate college, waiting to find "the one", waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the big job. Waiting for the answer to our prayers.

And I think that if I am really honest with myself, I have to admit that as soon as God answers one of my prayers, it isn't long before I delve back into longing for something. Therefore, life as one long pause.

I began thinking about those who lived in a state of pause in the Bible:
Abraham - waiting for the promised child
Moses - waiting for entrance into the promised land
Joseph - waiting through imprisonment for his chance to save his people
Esther - waiting many months to be the king's choice

Life is waiting. And there is so much that needs to be experienced in the pauses. I read this morning in Streams in the Desert:

"There is no music during a musical rest, but the rest is part of the making of the music...Yet how does a musician read the rest? He counts the break with unwavering precision and plays his next note with confidence, as if no pause were ever there. God does not write the music of our lives without a plan. Our part is to learn the tune and not be discouraged during the rests. They are not to be slurred over or omitted, nor used to destroy the melody or to change the key. If we will only look up, God himself will count the time for us." - John Ruskin

I often find that when God is really trying to drive a point home to me, he is very consistent in what He shows me. Hence, my thoughts of living in the pauses of life on my way to class last night. Hence, reading this this morning:

"Like the faith diggers do every day, we bury our swollen prayers in Him who's raised from the tomb. We lay our hope, full and tender, into the depths of Him and wait in hope for God to resurrect something good. Good always necessitates long waiting....this waiting on God is the very real work of the people of God." - Ann Voskamp

There is much to be experienced in the pauses of life. We are not to doubt or manipulate to get what we want in order to have some facade of control. Rather, we are to trust in God despite the circumstances. Real faith overflows in us when we choose to trust God even in the long moments of waiting, when He hits the "Pause" button on our tape deck (yes, tape deck!)

One of my favorite songs says, "When the suffering's all that I see, may I walk with you by faith and not by sight." (The Father's Heart-Hillsong).

My faith comes to full fruition when I choose to trust even when I do not understand. God hasn't promised that I would always understand; but He did promise to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

I remember when I was swollen in pregnancy with Finn and I was anxiously awaiting his arrival. There were some moments when I literally didn't think that I could wait any longer. And in a moment of great need, I randomly found this verse tucked into one of my old planners:

"But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes the time to do everything right - everything. Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones" (Isaiah 30:18 MSG).

That verse spoke to me everything I needed to hear in that moment and a few days later, my sweet boy was in my arms.

My mom is well aware of the pauses that we feel like we are living in. As she was reading the Word this past weekend, she sent me Habukkuk 2:3 and felt that it was to be our family's promise during this time:

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

Though it linger, wait for it. Though the pause is awkward and uncomfortable, know it won't last forever. Though the music tarries, enjoy the rest in full confidence of the next note.