Thanks God

This is the time of year when it is easy to remember to give thanks. Thanksgiving is even - dare I say it - shoved in our faces a bit. It has even exploded into a trendy habit on Facebook - people listing every day what they are grateful for leading up to Thanksgiving.

And it is encouraging to see this trend - being grateful. It certainly beats women reporting the color of their bra in order to raise awareness for breast cancer.

I read a really wonderful book about 5 months ago called "A Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. This book is entirely about giving thanks. For me, it served as an amazing educator on the great blessing of living a life of constant gratitude. Basically, the author was dared by a friend that she wouldn't be able to come up with one thousand things for which she was grateful. Long story short, she came up with one thousand and kept right on going, realizing that the more she gave thanks, the less anxious she felt about the trials in her life and the weaker hold anger and impatience had on her.

Intrigued, I began my own list of of gifts for which I was thankful. I found this to be a way to stay in a constant proper position of awe before God. By paying attention and giving thanks for my crazy amount of blessings, it was nearly impossible to let anxiety or discontent have any room to move in my life. I noticed myself, when I had a bad day, begin to immediately fix my thoughts on the blessings in my life instead of the circumstances of my negative mood. Each and every time, like a precious elixir, the gratitude worked to lift my spirits and renew my peace.

Sometimes, it is true, that giving thanks is not easy. Sometimes, it is far more natural to dwell on all that seems to be going wrong. But giving thanks doesn't have to consist of large and obvious blessings. It can be thanking God for this breath, for a moment when things seem to make sense, for another chance to hold my sweet boy with his head asleep on my shoulder.

Looking back on my own list of gratitude, it is almost like reading a journal of the last few months of my life:
#8 - Summer mornings that are cool enough to walk in
#19 - One last night with my dad before he passed away
#32 - New school supplies
#56 - Standing in church, surrounded by family and we are all singing
#85 - Seeing the sun and moon out at the same time
#100 - Butterflies in my belly
#111 - Flirting with my husband
#121 - A cathartic cry
#145 - Walking through a canopy of trees
#162 - Big sit down style family breakfasts
#180 - Seeing Finn make someone smile
#197 - Missing my husband when he is gone
#236 - A scar that brings back a memory
#268 - The fog settling over the prairie at dusk
#307 - Sitting with the windows open to let cool air fill the house
#383 - When Matt and I are both craving the same meal
#418 - Delivered packages
#447 - Sunny days after a week of clouds
#490 - When Matt apologizes for hurting my feelings instead of rationalizing
#510 - Not getting pulled over when cop is clocking and I am speeding
#543 - Walks around McKennan Park with an old friend
#623 - Finn's face when the wind blows strongly on him
#658 - Laughing with my husband at the end of a long day
#692 - Malt-O-Meal for breakfast
#718 - The way Finn clings to me when I get home from class
#748 - Matt's serious face when he gets up to check out a noise outside
#787 - Bundling up on chilly days
#833 - Matt telling a trick or treater that he is greedy
#860 - First eggnog latte of the season
#885 - Cooking while Finn plays happily with pots and pans in the kitchen
#919 - Freedom of paying off bills
#948 - The way Finn looks in his puffy winter coat
#962 - Big orange harvest moons that sit low in the sky
#975 - Matt offering to fold clothes so that I could take a bath
#991 - Peace coming in that passes all logical reasoning

These moments truly come in abundance when I stop and pay attention. It has been easy to reach 1,000 things I am thankful for. So easy, in fact, that I plan to keep on going and desire to make giving thanks to God the force that drives my life.

Thanks God for this guy:

And this baboose:

And these guys:

And friends that know me inside and out and love me still:

Truly I am blessed beyond anything that I deserve.
Life is sweet.
Thanks God.

Give it Away, Give it Away, Give it Away Now

In past Christmas seasons, I am ashamed to admit that I have devoured all of the gifts, traditions, and enjoyments in a selfish manner. It was all about savoring every moment, indulging my senses with many of my favorite things with intention to tide me over until the season came around again.

This year, however, I have felt God laying it on my heart to stop hoarding my blessings - especially during my favorite time of year. After all, isn't there more joy to be had in sharing my love of the season, rather than keeping it all for myself? The answer is yes. :)

There are a couple of ways that I am responding to what has been laid on my heart.

For starters, I have been gutting my closet lately in an attempt give away clothes that I absolutely do not need. Because I am a very sentimental person, I have a tendency to keep items simply if they remind me of a particular place or experience. For example, there is this shirt:

It brings back a hilarious memory with amazing friends, Mikaela and Emily. But the simple truth is that I was never a huge fan of this shirt and just bought it so we each would have one. I think I have worn it once because I feel as though it fits me weird.

So out it goes! Along with many others. This time, unlike previously pathetic closet cleansing experiences, when I hold up an item that I am on the fence about, I ask myself, "Could someone else use this more?". If the answer is "Yes", it goes in the pile.

I have been looking at this experience a bit as a purging of silly t-shirts that don't relate to my level of silliness anymore.

 For example, while the My Little Pony t-shirt goes,

 the Teen Wolf t-shirt stays.

 I am still on the fence with the Queen t-shirt - not quite sure if I am ready to let go of my Queen phase yet :). 

Secondly, this video was shown during church last Sunday:

And it really drove the point home to me that Christmas is a time to externalize love, not to internalize and hoard.

It is a bit ironic that I am feeling this way this year, as it has been many years since I have felt this......un-wealthy. So the fact that I feel this desire to give pressing upon my heart is proof that God is stoking this fire. If our family was rolling in the dough, so to speak, it would seem more natural to want to pour forth from that overflow. But since our wallet is tighter than it has been in recent years, I believe that this burden is a chance to step out in faith and open the door to allow God to do some really amazing things in our lives.

Challenge accepted, God :).

Lastly, I want to encourage anyone reading this to step out and give a little of yourself this season - whether it is for a loved one or a stranger, whether it is financial or some simple quality time - I pray that our eyes are all opened to the fact that time is short and we only have so many moments to make someone else's life better, even if it is just for a day.

Here is one more video that I wanted to share. I watched it earlier today and seriously bawled my eyes out - in a heaving sobs, puffy eyes, snotty nose kind of way. Finn was looking at me like, "Mom? What's the shiz, diz?"

But it is another wonderful example of being an offering to make someone else's life more extraordinary:

The Family Tree

Ah, November. Welcome, friend!

This day marks the beginning of my favorite time of year: holidays, family, traditions....I get butterflies just thinking of it all!

I have long argued that November 1st is the marker for holiday celebrations. It is now officially not crazy to listen to Christmas music, light my candle that smells like a Christmas tree, and buy egg nog.

Other things that are on my "must list":
- treat myself to a Starbucks holiday drink at least once a week until Christmas (last year I was pregnant and couldn't partake; that makes this year's drinks even more rewarding!)
- make a sad face every time Matt mentions that he really doesn't want to hang up the Christmas lights this year
- begin my annual viewing spree of Christmas movies: every year it seems that there are more to get through so I always have to start earlier
- begin planning Finn's first birthday party
- be on the lookout for these bad boys:

Seriously the best candy ever

- make Matt dinner for breaking our Christmas tree out of the back corner of our storage room. Err, actually, it would probably be nicer to let him make dinner. 

- teach Finn not to touch or climb on said Christmas tree

- begin teaching Finn the reason that we celebrate Christmas

- I suppose I need to fit in studying for my final and writing my self-assessment paper. Bah humbug. 

- spend this season in gratitude for the amazing blessings in my life

Holiday to-do lists are something that Kiki and I started when I was in college as a way of making sure that we fit our hoard of family traditions into the week or two that we were together each season. I tracked down our first one (our best one, really): 

- Drink egg nog and sit by the fire

- Visit family at the farm

- Get into our pajamas at 6 p.m. and don't get back out until 4 p.m. the next day

- Play Catchphrase (until someone gets mad)

- Drive around and look at Christmas lights

- Shop 'til we drop

- Sing Christmas carols while holding hands

- Go to a cheap movie and eat popcorn

- Head stand contest

- Listen to mom play the piano

- Go to Target and see who can buy the most with $5

- Swim suit contest

- Make snow angels for two hours

- Sledding at Tuthill

- Drive by each old house and reminisce on old Christmas memories

- Color Christmas pictures and hang them on the fridge

- Take as long as possible to open our stockings

- Dress Kody in a Santa costume

- Eat lots of junk food and have a pregnant belly contest

- Sleep in Christmas outfits and see whose is most wrinkle-resistant come morning

Mom later added many more sane ideas to our to-do list, including bringing others food, spending time one-on-one with each other, taking turns making dinner, taking walks in the snow underneath the stars, and loving each other by practicing tolerance and patience. She is such a mom :). 

Going back over these lists and memories in my head makes me appreciate my family and our traditions so very much. Maybe that is why I love the Christmas season so much: it is the one time of year when my family comes back together, at least for a little while. Being the youngest, a good chunk of my childhood was lived with my siblings having moved from home and living other places. 

But once a year, they almost certainly come home. Once a year, we are a physical family. 

This song is my new favorite Christmas song by my one of my favorite artists, Dave Barnes. It makes me cry almost every time and long for my family to just be here already.

And wow, I am tearing up as I write and this post just got a whole lot more emotional than I thought it would. Signing off with my good pal DB singing me away.

The Great Cookie Debacle of 2011

Let me begin with a simple question: is there anything easier to bake than chocolate chip cookies?

I became a titch over-zealous last night. Forgetting the fortitude that it takes for me to successfully bake, I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. After all, I was coming off of a really great week.

I found out that I received an "A" on my midterm exam in Appraisal and thereby spent the next couple of days puffing myself up. It felt really good to be slightly overwhelmingly busy, but still manage to get an "A" on a tough midterm.

There wasn't anything I couldn't do! I am woman, hear me roar?

Hence, the over-zealous inclination that baking needed to be done.

But it has to be asked: how exactly does one manage to ruin chocolate chip cookies? The recipe is fairly standard and basic. The instructions are easy to understand and follow. But as far as my baking skills are concerned, the results leave much to be desired.

The first batch became one large cookie conglomerate, as all of the cookies ran together. Additionally, somehow the edges burned and subsequently stuck to the sheet.

First batch - are cookies supposed to be translucent?

The second batch was a fraction better. Now instead of one ginormous, burned-around-the-edges cookie, I had 12 single, burned-around-the-edges cookies. Success? Success-ish. 

The third batch was another fraction better, although still burned. I made Matt promise not to laugh at me; he promised and then thoroughly broke it. Who could blame him? After all, this stuff comes easy to him. 

Keep in mind that the best-looking cookies are at the top

In the midst of my cookie-making debacle, I had the thought that God saw it good for me to be humbled: "Sure, you may get A's on tests, but your cooking leaves much to be desired!" :)

But I have to admit, I was pretty sad that my cookies were so shabby. After all, if I can't even bake chocolate chip cookies, is there hope for me to ever become Holly Homemaker? 

That thought was reinforced again today, as I strove to clean up my seriously neglected house. Since I typically have to squeeze work in while Finn is napping, I am not able to attack housework during those times. Plus, trying to get it done with him awake is a challenge; therefore, it is easy to put it off. 

I am not sure what happened, but I did not get the same DNA strand that my mom and Kiki have to keep consistently clean homes. They are rock stars. Cleaning rock stars!

Speaking of rock stars - shout out to my favorite!

Since I did not get said clean gene, it always takes me awhile to gain my cleaning sea legs. On top of trying to occupy an 11 month old who only wants to play with whatever it is Mommy is using and not a corner of the house that didn't need attention, this morning definitely had hectic moments. 

What I learned? 

- Realize that if Finn is not getting enough attention, he will let me know

- Keep in mind that he is always more important than the task at hand and he does not deserve to be scolded for being curious in what I am doing

- Things can be attacked in greater intensity during 30 minute Baby Einstein break

- Baby cookies (i.e. not Mommy cookies) are a great distractor - for use in the high chair, while cleaning the kitchen

- Don't sit down. It is always easiest to keep moving. Newton had it right: an object in motion stays in motion unless something intervenes to bring it to rest. 

- A good reward for me on Fridays after a busy week is to get to sit down and blog

Happy weekend!

Busy McGee

Ufda! I have not had much time to post lately due to a hectic schedule! It seems as though our little Fjerky fam has been running around endlessly for the last month or so, but we have so much to be thankful for! The things that have been filling our lives are blessings - each and every one of them. Therefore, as we ride this busy season through, we just take a deep breath and do the next thing - whatever that may be!

I believe that I am truly cultivating the art of multi-tasking as our schedule fills in each week. For example, last week I had a midterm and was having a hard time sitting down and studying for it. It seemed as though when I would get a moment during Finn's naps where I wasn't working or catching up on something, I could not find the motivation to study as I waited for him to wake up. So instead I made flash cards and would quiz myself on them while I did other things. Waiting for my computer to restart? Study! Nursing Finn? Study! Driving across town? Study! (carefully, of course).

With Matt working a full time job and being the interim worship leader at our church, it definitely feels as though we see him less, which has been an adjustment. It is a very worthy adjustment to make however, in order to see him ministering in what he is passionate about. His joy and energy when he sings and leads people in worship is inspiring to me. Yesterday in church, I caught myself just smiling like a fool because I was just so happy for him (his joy was evident) and also so very proud of him. I am very fortunate to be his wife!

With all the crazinesses, I have found myself juggling to find a balance between it all. There is this truly cheesy Amy Grant song called "Hats" which talks about all the different (drumroll, please........) hats that she wears. I would post it here but I really don't want to because it is really that bad ("hats!").

I am balancing between trying to be: supportive, loving wife; teaching, loving mother; part-time employee and trainer;  studious, invested graduate student; not to mention friend, daughter, sister, small group member, human video director, and loyal church attendee!

Like I said, blessed.

The moments that I feel overwhelmed are wonderful opportunities to take a deep breath and give thanks.

And then?

Just do the next thing.

Okay.....I couldn't resist! Partake in this ear candy!

16 Years

The little yellow house on 4th Ave was a safe place. It was where our family released and relaxed and just was.

October 13, 1995; it was in this yellow house that I climbed the stairs to go to bed that Friday night. Kiki was away at college so it was just me upstairs with the sloped ceilings and trick closet.

About 2 a.m., I awoke from my sleep by the ringing of our doorbell, by swift knocking. I rolled out of bed wondering what could possibly be so important to warrant knocking AND ringing at such a time in the morning? The drama of the possibilities pulled me from my room and down the narrow staircase.

As I reached the bottom stair, I watched as my step-dad strode to the front door to respond to the ringing/knocking noise. When I saw a pair of policemen, I felt a flurry of nervous butterflies in my belly, wondering if one of my siblings had gotten into some trouble.

Bryan spoke briefly with the policemen and then I watched as he made his way down the hallway to my mom, who was just coming from their bedroom.

I was the sole witness as he told her what the police had told him. I watched as she broke down.

I continued to watch, not knowing what else to do. In my 13 years of experience, I had never seen anything like this before.

My anxiety was increasing....what would cause my mom to break down so? She didn't break down, ever. She was a rock. Our rock.

I watched still as she somehow found her way through the kitchen and began walking downstairs. I followed, my stomach tight. What was going on?! Mom had seated herself near the bottom of the steps in order to talk with my brother, Josh.

Had Josh done something? Was he in trouble?

I sat quietly, nervously at the top of the stairs.

"Matthew was killed in a car accident tonight."

And with those words, life changed, safety shattered.

I don't remember getting up from the stairs, but I do remember the phone calls to my sisters and my dad.

I remember waking up the next morning in my mom's bed and thinking that the police could have somehow made a mistake.

I remember looks of concern and pity.

I remember standing in the kitchen in a circle with my siblings, each holding one of Matt's bandanas and each crying.

I remember thinking over and over again, "But just last week he was standing right there in the doorway making fun of our pumpkin decorating skills..."

It has been 16 years, but those moments are seared into my memory like a bright red brushstroke against an otherwise blurry photograph. And the truth is, I don't ever want to forget. There is something sacred in remembering the moments that change your life forever.

At All Times

Sometimes I have trouble sleeping. I toss and turn, my mind jumps around, I envy those all over the world who are sleeping peacefully. There is usually no consistent reason for this trouble: sometimes I have things on my mind, sometimes I stress myself out, sometimes I just lay restfully and wait for the sleep to come.

Last night was such a night. I tried all of my usual tricks and nothing seemed to help me capture the sweet bliss of drifting off to dream. The longer I lay there, the more consumed my mind became with, "I have class tomorrow night and we have to counsel in front of the class and I am so nervous for that....and then what if I don't sleep well tomorrow night? What about my midterm next week? What if I am grumpy with Finn tomorrow?" And on and on and on.....

And honestly, this morning I am tempted to be frustrated. I am tempted to feel sorry for myself. I am tempted to question God, "Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!"

But then a wonderful reminder in my devotional this morning: "I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth...I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:1, 4

YES! I will bless the Lord at all times! His praise will continually be in my mouth!

After all, isn't there always something to be grateful for? God is generous to us.

This morning at about 5:15 while I actually was sleeping, Finn woke up in the middle of a coughing and crying tornado. It was far too early for him to be awake awake, so I went into his bedroom, pulled him from his crib and brought him out to the couch to soothe him. We laid down, I rubbed his head, and we cuddled until he fell asleep. My active, curious, independent boy cuddled with me!!! It was its own kind of bliss, even if my sleep was spotty.

So this morning, as the temptation to be anxious about sleep or frustrated with my view of God's sleep-provisions to me..............I choose to give thanks that I got to cuddle with my boy for a wonderful hour. I choose to give thanks for the unused Starbucks gift card from Matt that I can utilize on my way to class for a caffeine boost. I choose to give thanks - in faith - that God will use the experience last night some how, at some time, for my good. That's His promise (Philippians 4:6-7) and I choose to stand on it. Can you feel the pep talk I am giving myself? :)

One of my favorite lines from one of my favorite songs ("How He Loves") says, "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves."

That, to me, speaks of the vital necessity of filling my mind with the gifts of God, with speaking His praise and giving Him thanks................because really, if I am doing it as often as I should be doing it, I won't have any time to entertain any anxious thoughts about a lack of sleep.

Though troubles rise and I get frustrated and anxious, life is inherently good because God is inherently good and my life is for God.

May it always be so.............even at 3 a.m. on a light sleep night.