Letting Go

My oldest son, even with his abundance of energy and independence, has always been a snuggler. The other day as we cuddled after he woke up from his nap, I asked him,

"Finn, will you promise to cuddle with me forever?"

With all seriousness, he looked at me and perked up immediately and responded,
"I have to fight lions and monsters first!"

But of course! So…

I let him go.

He exploded off the couch and brandished his styrofoam sword and ran off to conquer those pesky lions and monsters.

He is an adventurer at heart.

He is feisty and sweet and shy and social and loathes loud noises. He is one hundred other, unique things; and he is an adventurer at heart.

Because of that, I know that I will spend the rest of my life letting him go.

Letting him go to preschool, and then school.
Letting him go hang out with friends, and drive, and date.
Letting him go to move out and move on and head to college and career.

And every time I let him go, a little piece of me will go with him.

There is so much inside of me that wants to cling him to me and keep him close always. I dread the days when he will leave me with an actual aching in my heart.

But the older that my boys get, and the more independence that they exert, the more I realize that when I love them the way that I need to - with kisses and cuddles and spoken words - it doesn't always resonate with them.

When I cuddle and coo, it is mostly just an expression of what I am feeling in that moment. When I say, "I love you" to my boys 639 times a day, it is because I truly feel it at those moments. Those kinds of things meet my need to express my love to them.

However, to truly speak the language of looooove, it must be communicated in a way that the receiver knows it and feels it.

When I sit on the floor and play Little People? When I let Finn use his superpowers to turn me into a princess and the kitchen table becomes my castle? When I pick Jonas up from his crying in the middle of the night to comfort him when all I want to do is pull the pillow over my head and sleep?

That's love in their language.

My own mom has become an expert at this as my siblings and I have gotten older. She actively seeks out our worlds and when she spends time with us, she wants it to be doing something that makes us feel attended to. That's why she sits and watches tv shows with Missy and shows care for her animals. It's why she goes shopping and sips coffee during conversation with Kiki. It's why she engages in football games that she watches with Josh, asking questions so he can explain it to her. It's why she speaks with me about music and psychology and allows me to pick her brain about everything.

Parenthood is a continual letting go. But there is an upside of letting go, and that is when you grasp the opportunities to step inside your children's worlds and be active participants in them. I guarantee you that they will never feel more loved or invested in than when they feel that you care about the things that interest them.

It's speaking their language.

Talented Lumps of Clay

Being that I have a passion for psychology and the human mind, I tend to do a lot of evaluating. I evaluate why I am the way I am, why others are the way they are, what childhood trauma caused my husband to eat the last piece of pizza, and how getting upset with my son this morning will irrevocably mess him up for all future relationships.

Just kidding. Sort of.

But truly, I love a good personality test and I love the defining lines that they can give to the messy, vacillating orb that is my personality.




Lately, I have been seeking God a lot lately about the topic of talents.

Not the fraa-laa-laa-laa American Idol audition kind of talents.

But the Biblical kind of talents, the kind that we are supposed to be investing and growing, lest we be thrown outside into the darkness where teeth tend to gnash (Matthew 25:14-30).

Put simply, I want to be used. I want to matter. I want to be a tool to give God glory.

During our church's corporate fast this past month, that is one thing about which I was seeking God.

Where do you want me? Am I investing my talents in ways that honor You?

In this season of my life, with two squishy young 'ins, investing talents tends to be more difficult.

- I sporadically sing on the worship team, but it is often with spit-up on my shirt (or this past week, coffee).
- I make connections with some of our young adult women, but it is often electronically via Facebook or text. When it is in person, there is typically a little person grabbing my hair or jumping off couches for attention.
- I dream about creating human videos, but my bold visions are often thwarted by realistic wet blankets like limited practice time.

So I do what I can do.

I absolutely invest in the lives of my boys. I know 100% that they are my greatest investments. For them I love, I teach, I discipline, I lead, I clean (usually), I cook (meagerly), I load dishes and laundry machines. I snuggle. I squish their squishy faces.

But I do more than these things because I also believe that investment can lie outside of the boundaries of family. After all, I am more than a wife and mommy. I am a woman. I am a servant of God.

I ask, I seek, I pray, I offer.

During these last few weeks, God has definitely guided me in a certain direction that has filled me with excitement and expectation.

This is the rough version of how God spoke to me about talents over the last few weeks:

1. Use what you have. Take time and evaluate yourself - identify what you are good at, what you are not so good at. Be honest. If you're not sure, ask God to show you and He absolutely will. God made you the way He did for a reason and purpose and He longs to see you utilizing the traits He has placed within you.

Also, use what God has brought you through. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, "All praise to the God and Father of our Master, Jesus the Messiah! Father of all mercy! God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it, he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us..." (MSG).

There are reasons we cannot fathom for going through the dark days we go through; but often it is so that we can help others who need a hand in their own darkness. If God has brought you through something incredibly hard, it brings Him glory when you help someone else in a similar situation.

2. Invest yourself. Prayerfully, with consideration, but invest yourself. Get busy about the things that you are passionate about. Whatever gets you excited, whatever you find immense joy in - get busy! Passion doesn't just mean positive emotions either - whatever stirs up feelings of anger, indignation, or injustice - do something! Think outside the box and get creative. You don't have to just fill holes left empty by someone else.

Forget insecurity. Remember that God loves you and cling to that. Find rest in His deep, abiding love. Find your security not in what you can bring to the table, but in the God who has called you.

3. You don't need to use allllllll your gifts at one time. I believe that some gifts we have are for certain seasons of our lives. For example, I love to write and journal about what God is doing in my life. Sometimes I am able to whittle out some time to write, sometimes I am not. I just try to do it when I feel inspired, when I feel led.

Also, some of our gifts need to be honed and refined before we use them greatly. Take my handsome and hunky and bearded hubs; Matt is an amazingly gifted worship leader, but he refined his gift for years before God opened the door and said, "Now. Go."

There is much to be said for funneling all of your energies into one or two areas of service; if you spread yourself too thin, then you're probably not serving anywhere abundantly enough to matter. Bring it before God and ask. He loves to be asked (especially when we wait long enough to listen)!

4. Don't compare yourself to others who have similar giftings. There is only one you and God can best use you in the areas He has planned for you - no one else can matter in the way you matter. God has certain ministries, conversations, lives set up along the pathway He has for you. You need only to pay attention to Him and obey, so that you can walk in it.

Romans 12:6 says, "Let's just be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't" (MSG).

I read somewhere that when we compare ourselves to others, we wind up either disappointed or prideful. I, for one, don't wish to be either of those things. Does anybody?


Lastly....

Matt and I went to "Catching Fire" a few weeks ago. One really great aspect of that movie is comraderie and teamwork; every person had a skill that they used as their main weapon and helped to serve the greater purpose. Katniss - archery, Finnick - strength and coordination, Beetee - eccentric smarts, Johanna - axe, Peeta - camoflauge (oh Peeta....how boring).

They utilized other skills and traits, but they really leaned upon what they were innately good at.

I really think there is something to that. It is futile to try to fight the battle of life with weapons that are not a natural fit.

Seek God, ask Him which of your traits and abilities He can best use for His glory.

You will be amazed at what He can do with a a malleable lump of clay.

"Only one life, 'twill soon be past. Only what's done for Christ will last." C.T. Studd

Unsafe Relationship

When Matt and I first met, I didn't want to date him.

I mean, I liked him..........but I didn't want to date him.

He was too friendly and nice to everybody.

I worried that if I dated someone as nice as him, then I would always be worried about who he was talking to and the fact that he had this innate ability to make others feel special. I didn't want to be with someone who made others feel special, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

He was also too good-looking.

I had this silly theory that girls needed to date guys that were not as attractive because if the guy had a girl who was cuter than him, then he would never have wandering eyes or want to stray. I didn't want to be with someone who was as good-looking as he is, because well, that might make my insecurities flare up.

I harbored these beliefs from a position of hurt and fear.

So what does God do?

He causes me to fall in love with an incredibly kind, out-going, goofy, talented, and handsome man.

I used to say that Matt was more of a man than I ever thought I would end up with.....and that's true.

He was better, kinder, sweeter, and cuter than the men I had known or dated.

He was more....so much more.....than I would have settled for.

Fortunately, God had other things in mind for me. He had more for me than I would have chosen for myself.

Our pastor talked a couple weeks back about not settling for an Ishmael when God has an Isaac for you......

Yeah, this was like that.

The way that I saw things through my distorted hurt-and-fear-glasses, I wanted something - someone - safe.

I wanted someone nice enough, cute enough, sweet enough.

God wanted to give me more than just enough. 

I wanted someone who had a clean romantic past so that I never  had to deal with my insecurities about others who had once held his attention and heart.

God wanted to help me face my insecurities so that I could overcome them.

I wanted someone who could probably not do any better than me so that I would feel less vulnerable in the relationship.

God wanted me to become softened and more trusting through my vulnerability. 

I am a rule following bore sometimes. If I stay within certain borders, then I think that things will be nice and neat. I most often want what is safe. Safe. Safe. Safe.

But God draws me towards that which is not safe so that I can better learn how to lean upon Him. He never designed me to live within safe confines, but for great adventure.

Romans 8:15-16 - "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike, 'What's next, Papa?' God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who He is and we know who we are: Father and children."

As that trust grows, so does the deep well from which He continues to meet my needs.

Philippians 4:19 - "You can be sure that God will take care of everything you need, his generosity exceeding even yours in the glory that pours from Jesus."

Matt was more than I would have dared ask God for, and as we continue to perfect the dance of our relationship, I continue to be amazed at God's mercy in drawing us together.

God can be trusted and His gifts are far better than anything we would choose for ourselves.

Ugh.....He is just so beautiful.

My cup overflows.

"Love, Mom"

My mom always made Christmas magical.

Not like Santa and flying reindeer magical.......

....but just super, super special.

Back when I was a little girl, I had no idea just how hard she worked to make it all happen.

She saved all year long in order to be able to buy us just the right things at Christmastime. Each gift was wrapped impeccably and had a different personalized tag on it: For "Gretchie-Ketchie-Netchie-Setchie-Betchie-Detchie" or "Grrrr-Nin" or "Gretchen Noelle".

"Love, Mom".

But it really wasn't about the gifts, even then. They were simply the icing on a Christmas-flavored cake (what does Christmas taste like, you say? Mint.....and egg nog......and love).

It was about the traditions that she birthed and fostered and tended every year. It was about all being together. It was about listening to Christmas music and reading Luke 2 as a family and eating caramel rolls in the morning. It was about taking turns opening gifts so we wouldn't miss anything and playing games and putting on plays about the nativity story.

Mom handmade each of our stockings, delighted in getting us matching pajamas, and made 5 different kinds of cookies every year because, well, we each had our own kind that we would sit and make with her of course! If baking cookies meant quality time with mom, we were there. 

Being the youngest child, the older I got, the further away my older siblings moved. However, nearly every year without fail, they each returned home. Christmas was our time to be together. So a house that had been quiet burst with joyful noise. The driveway filled up. The table became crowded. There wasn't a chance of getting to watch what you wanted on TV. It took about 2 days for all of us to start getting on each other's nerves............but wow, those first 2 days were pure bliss!

This year as my own little family was decorating for Christmas, it hit me that this is the first year that Finn kind of "gets it". He loves anything to do with Christmas. He loves any movie with a Santa in it, wants our tree lit at all times, he lets out gasps of delight at seeing lights on others' houses, and He even calls snow "Christmas". 

He also is beginning to know who Jesus is because we talk about how Jesus is with him at all times. Christmas isn't Christmas without Jesus. 

With his new awareness, I feel a certain kind of pressure, a good pressure, to not only make Christmas special and memorable for my boys, but to also keep the discussion central on Jesus. 

Because Jesus is cooler than Santa. 

As much FUN as Christmas is, THIS is the time to begin teaching them:

"In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, 

did not consider equality with God as something to be used to his own advantage;

rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, 

being made in human likeness. 

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death

 - even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and 

gave him the name that is above every name, 

that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,

 in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, 

to the glory of God the Father."

- Philippians 2:5-11

My sweet, squishy boys: this is the most important thing that I could ever teach you. 

Love, Mom. 

Christianese

I was born into a Christian family who literally lived at the church for the first few formative years of my life. If there was a service, we were there. If a member of our family was sick, we went anyway. We were often one of the first to arrive and most often the last to leave.

I have known God my whole life.

And except for a few rogue years in middle school, I have tried my best to be my best for Him.

I first asked Jesus into my heart when I was really little (like, so little that I don't remember).
I was baptized at the age of 7.
And I recommitted my life to God at the age of 14, sitting in the driveway with my mom.

My high school life consisted of hanging out with my youth group and a close circle of Christian friends at school.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I was wrestling hard with a judgmental spirit and a haughty attitude. I criticized others and puffed myself up for being a Christian.

My identity was not in Christ but in being a Christian.

All the while, what I thought was living righteously for God was actually breaking His heart.

I was raised in a Christian culture and I thrived. It was my niche and my Michael W. Smith serenaded "place in this world".

Recently I have watched a few videos about "Stuff Christians Say". There are several variations to these and I have to laugh when I watch them because, well, they're true.

There is a certain language, a "Christianese", that people speak when they grow up in church.

We talk about accountability and boundaries and blessing and kissing dating goodbye. These things roll off our tongues without much thought sometimes.

I know I am guilty of it.

For example, I used to be obsessed with the word secular.

In high school I sold a bunch of my cd's and movies because they were too "secular" and I felt convicted about them after a youth convention.

And I don't think it was wrong. I was trying my best to honor God, but I was doing it almost as much because it was the "good Christian" and "cool" thing to do. I was super Christian, after all.

But because my motives weren't entirely authentic, I eventually started listening to secular music again and watching those movies again.

Sidenote: I am not saying this to condemn secular music or to say that there isn't merit to listening to and acting on the sermons we hear; I am simply talking about my own experience.

Now, I don't listen to secular music because I honestly don't want to. There are songs (yes, heaven help me, even Miley Cyrus songs) that I like when I catch them on the radio. But I really just love worship music. It's what I want to listen to, it's what I want playing in my home and my car.

For me, the lasting change came about not because I heard a sermon once and felt convicted into obeying. It didn't come from an external source.

The lasting change came from the inside. It developed in my spirit, from an intimacy with God and therefore was absolutely natural and right for me.

Romans 14:22-23: "Cultivate your relationship with God, but don't impose it on others. You're fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you're not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways that are inconsistent with what you believe - some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them, then you know that you're out of line. If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong."

I guess what I am trying to say and why I am even writing about all of this...........is out of gratitude.

It is easy to simply exist in a culture, but I am just so stinking thankful that God didn't leave me in my judgmental, ignorantly striving, well-meaning state.

He allowed me the grace and room to learn what it really means to be a Christian: not pointing the finger but opening the arms; not hoarding 'experiences' but sharing the wealth; not only socializing with other Christians but reaching out to where the need is; not blindly obeying an authority figure but following the leading of the Holy Spirit within me.

Romans 12:9: "Love from the center of who you are, don't fake it."

Rescue

Confession:

Sometimes I let Jonas cry because I think he has THE cutest baby crying face. Ever.

Now I never let him wail or scream when something is really wrong. I'm not a monster :) .

But sometimes, when he is just starting to want something, I let it linger. So he puffs out his lower lip. Then he timidly starts to whimper a bit. Then his face starts changing and his cries get louder.

Sometimes I just like to watch him. Sometimes I let him cry a bit.

Sometimes, I even take photos so that I can document his exceptional sad face for posterity:

Just getting started

I said "NOW!"

Not so happy

Oh squisher

I could really eat him up

Finn mastering the sad face

The calm after the storm

It's not because I don't love him. On the contrary, I love him SO much that even his sad faces are nothing but adorable to me.

And it's not because I can't rescue him. I can.....but I know that he will be okay in his sadness for a bit before I pick him up and comfort him.

It's also not because I don't want to help him. At these times that I am delaying his rescue just a bit, I still long to pick him up and give him what he is seeking: food or rest or a clean diaper.

I do not always save him from his baby hardships when he wants to be saved. I see a bigger picture than he does and I know that he will be okay.

So it is with God and us.

Now, God's reasons for not rescuing us on our timetables are much more mighty and intimate than any reason of mine for not picking up my son the moment he begins to fuss.

But it is the same idea. Because God sees a bigger picture, He knows that we will be okay in our fuss while we await his rescue from any current situation.

He doesn't not rescue us because He doesn't love us, or because He can't rescue us, or because He doesn't want to.

On the contrary, He DOES love us and He CAN rescue us and He does WANT to.

He simply sees a bigger picture and knows that we can wait until the right time, when He can receive the most glory for His good pleasure.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him." - Isaiah 30:18

I think though, that there is another reason that I love my son's sad face - besides its utter adorability.

My son's sad face serves as a reminder that he desperately needs me.

Likewise, our grievances, fusses, and pains are a reminder that we desperately need God.

He alone can pick us up and provide the comfort and rescue that fulfills. Though we may have to wait for it and it might not come at the exact moment we want it to...........it will come.

On His time, not ours. In His way, not ours.

So in those moments when we feel all alone in our sadnesses, we can still trust in His rescue. In every cry of loss or pain, we can take heart and know that those are only a reminder that we still need Him and His rescue is imminent.

He is with us, He hears us, He loves us, He will rescue us.

Mostly Stay-at-Home Mommy

Welp, tomorrow I officially become a working mommy!

I begin my first post-masters job, my first job where I hold the title of "Counselor".

Excitement ensues!

I am so very thankful that God blessed me with a job where I can work 5-10 hours a week as a counselor, yet still be mostly a stay-at-home mommy to our two amazing boys.

Which is crazy, because I never ever saw myself as the stay-at-home mommy type.

When I was in my lower twenties and would think about having kids, I would find myself thinking that  having kids would be much more suitable for me if I could bypass the baby, toddler, and preschool stages. School age kids were my forte, my niche. I wanted the freedom to send them to school and out to play with their friends. I did not want the responsibility of a little person shadow.

I wanted to work. I wanted to send my kids to daycare and school. I wanted my independence.

Even when I was a little girl, I only kind of sort of enjoyed playing with dolls. I much preferred playing with Barbies because I could pick out super cute outfits, style their hair, and take them to lavish parties. Or if no Barbie threw a party that weekend, the mall.

My Cabbage Patch dolls, meanwhile, hung around - mostly neglected - in the corner of my room.

I was not exactly a nurturer.

But then I got pregnant. And the thought of going back to work full time sort of made me want to vomit.

So Matt and I talked about it. He wanted me to stay home. I wanted to stay home. We cut way back on the way we lived to make it work.

God has provided every single step of the way. Now that we have two boys at home, God provides in even more amazing ways.

He is faithful.

I am so grateful that being a mostly stay-at-home mom is even an option for us. I realize that there are many mommies who do not have the choice but who have the decision made for them by a myriad of circumstances.

I know that while I am working, I will miss my two scrunchy ones at home. I will wonder what they are playing with, what they are laughing at, and why they might be crying.

But I also know that I will be doing good work. I will be giving support to other kids who really need it. I will be spilling forth from the overflow of love in my life.

As a pre-freaky Miley Cyrus once sang, it will be "the best of both worlds"!!

I will get a taste of being that working mommy that I always assumed I would be.

A taste is enough.

As much as I enjoy leaving the house without a diaper bag and car seat in tow, I really really love driving home to my adorable ones. And walking through the door at home?

Whew. Nothing like it.