Valentiney Ooey Gooey Love

My first real Valentine's Day was the first one that Matt and I spent together in 2008. It was a doosey, too.

He got me flowers, several gifts - all wrapped with white tissue paper and colored with red marker - and he sang me a song he had written for me. We had a heart shaped pizza from Pizza Hut and watched "Across the Universe".

It was delightful - everything that I had longed for while I was waiting and single. Since then, Valentine's Days have still been special. This year was no different; thanks to a couple from church, Matt and I were able to go out for a nice dinner at Spezia's and thanks to my mom for the free baby-sitting, we were able to have a focused conversation without pausing to tear food apart or disinfect surfaces. Best of all, Matt's gift to me was tickets to a Dave Barnes (my FAVORITE!!!) concert in Minneapolis. So, not only will I get Dave Barnes, I will also get Chipotle, good shopping, and time alone with my husband. Perfection!

However, as good as the Valentine's holiday was this year, last night was the most aware I have been in  a long time of how much I love my husband, how blessed we are.

We had been watching my mom's dog, Kody, for the past week. About 9 p.m., Kody throws up. Matt, after a quick dog scolding, cleans it up.

About 10:15, Finn throws up. The two of us jump into action: I grab Finn and dunk him through a quick bath and get him clean and fragrant and then hold him close and rock with him and sing to him. Meanwhile, my valiant husband is downstairs scrubbing vomit out of Finn's sheets and pajamas.

About half an hour later, right after I laid him back in his crib, Finn throws up again. We both activate again and clean the mess up by working together. A little while later, I am holding Finn when he starts to heave and cry again, and Matt grabs a floatable tub (yes, this was readily available in our house) and I move Finn and at least the throw up is contained this time.

As I am holding Finn and rubbing his head and back, Kody throws up two more times. At this point, the whole situation is somewhat comical! While I am cleaning up doggy ick, Matt changes the laundry and hauls an extra mattress up from downstairs and places it on the floor in Finn's room for us to sleep on for the night. After all, there is no way that we can sleep across the hall in our room and risk Finn throwing up again.

We settle in for the night, unusually close together on the full-sized mattress (thank heavens for Queen-sized). Again, about half an hour later, we hear Finn make a familiar sound; rising off the mattress, Matt grabs the bowl we had placed aside for such a purpose and I grab the paper towels to wipe off Finn's face. Once he is back down, we discover another previously unnoticed pile of doggy ick. So Matt cleans it up.

I high five my husband.

As we lay back down and I drift off to sleep, I give thanks for the team that we make. I think of how much I love him and how cleaning pukey sheets speaks so much more to me than a bouquet of flowers (although, flowers ARE nice too :)).

And although I am more tired than usual this morning, I have extra pep in my step and joy in my disposition because I have been fortunate to be reminded of my blessings through a throw up kind of evening. This morning I am thankful for my son who is now healthy and for the partnership that my husband and I have.

It doesn't say in the Bible that true love cleans up puke, but I'm pretty sure its inferred :).

Galentine's Day

Galentine's Day Gifts

It is Galentine's Day today! For those who don't watch "Parks and Rec", it is the day before Valentine's Day that is set aside to celebrate the female friendships that help to keep one sane :).

It hit me as I was trying to process my birthday retrospectively, that one of the reasons that I was so disappointed was because it was all a verification of a gnawing sense of loneliness that I had been feeling lately.

Since I like to evaluate and psychoanalyze every single emotion that I have, I started picking apart why I was "all of a sudden"............lonely. Without going into too many gritty details, I think that it ultimately comes down to the fact that I have spent the last few years investing heavily into my relationship with Matt and, this last year, Finn. My whole life circled around my boys. It was wonderful. And I don't regret a single moment; I truly believe that is what God wanted me to be doing.

But I believe that I am now coming to the surface a little bit and realizing that I have fallen short when it comes to my sustaining my friendships. My strongest friendships are still strong. My friends are still my friends. But there is a longing for female relationship in me that has not been met over the last couple of years.

During this past week, I have reflected a bit on times in my past when I have felt lonely like this. Two times spring to mind: Alaska and Arkansas.

When I spent a semester in Alaska, separated from my college support system and longing for friendship. And when I moved down to Arkansas and had to start over entirely.

I look back at those times, and while they were extremely difficult at the time to go through and I spent more than one night crying into my pillow, in retrospection I can see the amazing things that God brought out of those lonely times. And He didn't leave me lonely for long.

Therefore, although I feel pangs of loneliness now, I am believing fully that God will bring good out of it.

So this day, this Galentine's Day, I am celebrating the female relationships in my life that I am grateful for. And I am eager with expectation for what God will bring forth from this season!

Birthday Drama

I read this blog today and it actually brought tears to my eyes. It was almost as if she jumped into my head and wrote out my thoughts from the last two weeks.

I turned 30 almost 2 weeks ago. Yes, a milestone birthday. No, not something I dreaded. I actually was looking forward to getting out of my 20's - I kept saying "The 20's are nothing but drama!"

I have to admit, I have a hard time toning down my expectations when it comes to birthdays. Birthdays were a big deal for me growing up. Coming from a big family, it was the ONE guaranteed day when I got to choose the meal, the dessert, hear others celebrate me. As silly as that sounds, it was special to me growing up. 

This year was a little different, however. Our church was doing a corporate fast from January 8-January 29 in order to seek God and give him the first of our year. I was 100% on board.....and then I found out that the fast fell on my birthday. And not just any birthday, but my 30th birthday. My insides turned and twisted as every selfish fiber of my being tried to find a loophole. I wanted every reason in the world to go all out celebrating this milestone year, but how would that happen if I was fasting every kind of birthday goody?

Because of my strong reaction to not wanting to fast over my birthday and wanting the 25th of January to be ALL ABOUT ME, I felt that it made it even more important to give that day up for God. So I took all my willpower and conceded that I would indeed fast over my birthday this year. 

And then I patted myself on the back. 

As Matt made efforts to plan my birthday - do you want a party? Do you want to go somewhere? What should we do? - I poo poo-ed and pah pah-ed and skirted past every effort. 

When my mom, with all of her birthday traditions in tow, set out to put birthday plans on the calendar, I told her after the 29th. We will do everything after the 29th!

Then my birthday morning came. And went. My husband, parents, and best friends were all working. And as my birthday was ticking away, something nasty was stirring inside of me. When Finn was cranky and irritable, I bathed in my own self-pity. Didn't he know it was his mommy's special day???? As soon as I put him down for a nap that day, I spent not a few minutes pathetically crying into my pillow with extra emphasis on the pathetic. 

This was my birthday. My 30th birthday!! 

My best friend, who knows me so well that even when I say I don't need anything that I really secretly do want something, met me at the mall and gave me the most thoughtful gift. And we talked about how birthdays were always a big deal in our families and that it is hard to adjust to those birthdays when it just doesn't feel special anymore. I got the chance to breathe in that conversation. 

She knows me well!

Pinners and his birthday mama

The next week unfolded pretty undramatically. The fast was broken and on an even better note, I still had many birthday activities to look forward to since I had "postponed". Things were looking up!

The one thing that I was most looking forward was a night in a hotel that Matt had gotten for me. We would go as a family and enjoy the water park, continental breakfast, and the big, fat jacuzzi tub. 

As Matt was driving home that afternoon to quickly pack so we could go, he gets a flat tire. Since he can't get the tire off, I drove across town with Finn to pick him up. As I drive, I can feel the self-pity rearing ugly in my head: "I have been so looking forward to this. I postponed everything and all I wanted was this one night and now everything is postponed even further.....". 

When the highway patrolman that was sitting with Matt was thoroughly rude to me, the load crushes upon my shoulders and mind and the flood of tears breaks through. 

I was sad. And morosely disappointed. 

Long story short, after about 2 hours and gracious help from my mom and step-dad, the car is taken care of and we are on the way to the hotel. It was still a fun night and I am glad that we went......but getting out from a load of self-pity can take awhile. 

My handsome boys

Family splash splash!

I truly feel silly sharing all this, but I think that that is the root of the problem. Wanting to feel special makes me feel silly - because it feels so frivolous. 

I have no one to blame but myself. 

There is this annoying dichotomy in me that screams simultaneously, "I want to feel special!!" and "I don't really need to feel special!" I think what it is is that - stay with me - I want to not want to feel special but want to feel special without wanting it. Does that make any sense at all?

For this reason, I had a hard time articulating that I wanted to feel really special on my birthday - even if we were fasting. For some reason, when Matt asked if I wanted a party, I couldn't say "Yes!" even though I really did want one. Instead I heard myself saying, "No, that's okay...". I found myself envying my friend Emily, who when she turned 30 last year, told her husband, "You'd better throw me a surprise party!". 

I mean, doesn't being honest about the way that we feel make it easier on everyone - especially ourselves? If I had just said, "I want an amazing day and I want to feel thought of and loved and appreciated!", that could have solved the entire issue. 

Through all of this, I think the lesson that I take away is to not shove down or ignore my innate desires or feelings. Shoving them away only makes them boomerang back with more intensity at inopportune times. I need not be ashamed of wanting to feel special. After all, there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel special, especially on one's birthday. 

I think the dramatics might have followed me into my thirties. Ooops.

From the celebration with my mom and step-dad - my mom does birthdays well! She surprised me with a cake and she never ceases to beautifully wrap the gifts

Shoo-ee that's a lot of candles!

Mmmm.....BTS cake.....

Birthday daughter and thoughtful mama

Me and my little rockstar

Pretentious Manure

"Daddy always said an ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure." (Steel Magnolias)

Last night in class, our professor asked us to do something very simple: write down our favorite book/movie/tv show. The purpose of this would be to highlight what we value and find meaningful through these things.

Immediately, in terms of books, two things pop in my head: "Les Miserables" and "Anne of Green Gables". Which to choose to share with the class? I truly did love "Les Miserables" when I read it - the message of transformation through an act of mercy is inspiring. But honestly? I haven't read it since. The thought of reading it again actually overwhelms me!

Then again, I have read "Anne of Green Gables" a hundred bajillion times. It is easy and enjoyable to read and it is dreamy, intelligent, romantic, idealized comfort food to me. I want to live on Prince Edward Island on a lush, green farm. Growing up, I always said that I wanted to marry Gilbert Blythe.

But of course, I say "Les Miserables" to my classmates. I give the pretentious answer. These classmates don't know me very well. To most of them, I am the quiet, older girl who isn't in the rest of their classes with them. While I long to be friendly with them, I have a hard time breaking the barrier of silence between us - especially because they all know each other so well. I am the outsider.

As the outsider, I have to make a good impression......right? What would they think of me if I tell them that my favorite book is "Anne of Green Gables"? That I admire her tenacity and positivity and ability to make every situation sunnier and lovelier? That I relate to her emotion and passion and dramatic breakdowns?

"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

But as soon as the words "Les Miserables" pop out of my mouth, I know that I haven't been true to myself - as cheesy as that sounds. After all, the guy right before mentioned a book by John Steinbeck that I had never even heard of before. This is masters level, people! No kiddie books around here!

Hogwash.

Especially since the girls after me state that their favorite tv shows are "One Tree Hill" and "Big Bang Theory".

Suddenly, "Anne of Green Gables"? Not so elementary, my dear Watson.

No more pretense. What is so bad about laying the truth out there - in all of its nerdy little glory?

"I am very careful to be shallow and conventional where depth and originality are wasted."

Embrace the things that you love, because you love them for good reason. They might inspire or ignite something in you; they might be comfortable or relatable; they might be aspirational or downright junk food for your mind.

Who cares?

And who knows? If I had given the honest answer, I may have just found a kindred spirit or two.

"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."

Life Soundtrack

I almost always have music on during the day. I love to put my Ipod on "shuffle" because I enjoy not knowing what song is coming next. There is music on my Ipod that spans years of my musical tastes - everything from 80's love songs to boy band mania to country ridiculosity to fluffy Christian pop to current worship music. The Ipod shuffle feature is wonderful - bringing back memories with almost every song. Although I do believe that the shuffle has overestimated my affection for Air Supply. I really don't want to hear one of their songs every 19 minutes. 

Have you ever noticed the power of a song to bring you back to a particular place and time? I have thought of that a few times lately as I find myself making memories with Finn - dancing to music in the kitchen, the songs Matt and I sing to him, the way his world stops in its tracks when The Office or Parks and Recreation theme songs come on TV. 

This much I know: my son loves music. Granted, he doesn't have much choice in the matter, with how constantly he is inundated with music in his daily life. Even his nursery is a music theme!

 It is very sweet to watch his genuine excitement and fascination with guitars, drums, and piano. When I am on worship team and bring him to practice, he stares down everyone playing an instrument. And I can't help but wonder if his memory will be distinctly tied to the music that fills his life, because that is what so many of my own memories are tied to. 

For example: this song brings me right back to sitting in church listening to my mom and her singing group, "Gentle Praise". However cheesy it is, it gives me a happy, sappy feeling. 

Then there is this song - a winner if there ever was one. This is from the Chicago tape that our family would listen to relentlessly every time we would bake chocolate chip cookies - one of my all-time favorite childhood memories. That Chicago Greatest Hits tape saw a lot of mileage, as it also spurs many road trip memories! Was it the only tape we owned?

Speaking of road trips, we were coming back from one when I, as a little girl, first heard this song come on the radio. I remember it was nighttime and I sat in the backseat, staring forlornly out the window. I looked up at the stars and wondered if "somewhere out there", my future husband was listening to the same song and thinking of me. Ah, ever the romantic. Matt, did you ever stare out the window while listening to this song and wonder where I was? :)

These songs are all included in the soundtrack of my childhood, along with any song from "Annie" and the morning song my mom sang to wake us up: 

"The puppies are barking, the kitties are meowing

The birdies are singing, it's such a happy day!

The sun is shining, the grass is growing,

They all seem to say, 'Come out and play!'"

 There is also an unending array of songs that my siblings introduced me to.

This song reminds me of sleepovers in Missy's dorm at USF:

"Walking on Broken Glass" - Annie Lennox

This song reminds me of Matt going to their concert and his love for country music:

"Fishin' in the Dark" - Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

This song reminds me of Kiki playing this song endlessly when she was in high school - she would play the tape, rewind it, play it again. And my naive mind would think - how does she always manage to find the right radio station that is playing that song??

"If I Ever Fall in Love" - Shai

This song reminds me of riding to school in Josh's black Nissan truck and we would actually belt this song out together - he would take the "Hey heys" and I would take the "Whoa-oh-ohs":

"Runaround Sue" - Dion and the Belmonts

It is phenomenal the way that music can evoke and invoke emotions.....long buried but deeply remaining.

And I cannot wait, as Finn gets older, to hear him look back on what songs evoke memories for him.

As long as it doesn't start in "Air" and end in "Supply".  

Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving

The movie "13 Going on 30" begins with Jennifer Garner's character at 13, desperately wishing to be 30 years old. Her character, Jenna, imagines that 30 is the pinnacle of supreme happiness, which is aided by a magazine article titled "Thirty, Flirty, and Thriving!". She imagines that at 30 she would have a glamorous job, a fabulous wardrobe, and a handsome boyfriend or two. Plus, as a bonus, she would no longer have to stuff her bra.

I remember watching this movie for the first time, thinking that all the things that she desired at 30 were pretty "meh". With 30 as such a big milestone, girls are prone to think about where they would like to be at that time in their lives. And at 30, I knew that all I wanted was to be married, have a child (or 2), and be happy. Except the wardrobe......I could be talked into the fabulous wardrobe  :).

As I hit said milestone this week, I embrace it completely, grateful for the blessings in my life and excited for the future.

I was reading another blog last week that had this idea to write a letter to yourself as a child, addressing some things you regret and wouldn't mind changing. I figured there was no better time than a milestone birthday to look back on my own life and write a letter to the little me.


Dear Little Gretchen,

Be nice to others. Remember that you do not need to be mean to make others like you or think that you are "cool". Always be kind to the girl who doesn't seem like she gets to shower enough and don't join in when your friends start to make fun of another. If you can find the courage, be the one that sticks up for those who can't stick up for themselves.

Always respect your mom. She will sacrifice a lot for you and it is because of her that you will one day be a strong and loving woman.

Your dad may not always love you the way that you wish he would. Love him the best that you can anyway.

Your siblings are some of the most amazing people you will ever know. Enjoy them and don't make them watch all of your dance routines.

Don't tattle on your brother. He deserves your loyalty because he looks out for you.

One day you will meet a girl named Chanelle who will prove to be the best friend you ever have. Try to always be kind to her and put her first, because she will put you first a lot. That is just the kind of person she is.

One day, almost overnight, you are going to turn from an outgoing kid into a shy adolescent. Try to find the courage to talk to others because the more you practice being outgoing - the easier it will become.

You won't always be cute:

You will go through a gangly hair, t-zone troubled, fashion challenged stage in early high school (photo unavailable). But don't feel bad about yourself. Just work what you got.
















Whatever you do, don't start rolling your eyes. It's a terrible habit to break, and it makes you look ridiculous.

When you are 14 years old, you will rededicate your life to God. This will change your life in many ways. Whatever you do, do not become self-righteous about the changes in your heart. This takes away from what Jesus did for you. God wants you to be gracious and merciful like He is; don't make others feel guilty for not having the same convictions that you do. Just love them.

As you grow up, you will face heartache several times. It is okay to hurt at these times. But don't waste too many tears or allow yourself to feel unlovely. There is an incredible guy that rejoices in marrying you one day.

I know you are dramatic, and that is okay. Drama is cool. But sometimes, your troubles just need a good cry, an honest prayer, and a shoulder to cry on......rather than a 5 alarm freak out.

When you turn 30, life is gooooooooooood.

Thank God.

Engage

I read this blog this morning that encouraged contentment through appreciating what you have right now. Today. This moment. It verified so much of what I have been feeling lately.

I started class again yesterday. It is my final semester of "normal" class, as next fall and spring get pretty crazy for me. That is when I have to start seeing clients, spend much more time away from home and my sweet boy, and ultimately do a 40 hour/week internship. Even thinking about all of it right now gets my stomach twisting in twenty different directions. It all just feels very...........overwhelming.

How will I get all of my hours in? What will my clients be like? Who will watch Finn? What will it be like to be away from him for so long during the day? What if I am utterly exhausted at the end of the day and can't give my best to him? You mean I actually have to counsel people?

These thoughts.......over and over and over again; trying to make sense of a time months and months away.

I slowly began to notice that as I was channeling Marty McFly and trying to live in the future by attempting to figure it all out, I was robbing today of whatever was right in front of me.

Days can be hectic, blissful, chaotic, lovely, demanding, delightful or a mixture of many things. But whatever my days were, I was missing it.

I have a terrible habit of trying to figure out the future before it happens. I want to be comfortable with it, to know that it is within my ability to handle whatever comes my way.

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34, NIV)
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." (Matthew 6:34, MSG)

The older I get, the more I am realizing that the time spent trying to figure out the future is literally time that is wasted. Clearly there is no predicting the future. I could get comfortable with what lies before me one moment when the next moment something comes along and totally derails that scenario.

But how to stop the mind from reeling and churning and grinding out those scenarios?

One word that keeps coming back to my mind is "engaged".

If I am truly engaged with this moment, I won't have available brain space to give to the future.

If I am reading a book to Finn, I won't be able to picture the clients I may be counseling in 6 months.
If I am participating in his quest to destroy the bathroom during bath time, I won't be able to ruminate on who might baby-sit him during my internship.
If I am actively listening to my husband select songs for worship on Sunday, I won't be lost in ponderation about my student loan bill.

Looking back on my life and how faithful God has been to make sure that every little piece of the puzzle fits into the right spot.........how can I still look into the future with anxiety about how things will work and fit together? I need only to look behind me and see His faithfulness to be able to look ahead of me and believe He will remain faithful.

There is a beautiful scene in "The Shack" (controversial book, I know!), where Mack and Jesus are having a conversation about fear. Over the years since I have read the book, this scene has remained with me:

"Tell me what you are afraid of, Mack."
"Well, let me see. What am I afraid of? Well, I am afraid of looking like an idiot. I am afraid that you are making fun of me and that I will sink like a rock. I imagine that - "


"Exactly. You imagine. Such a powerful ability, the imagination! That power alone makes you so like us. But without wisdom, imagination is a cruel taskmaster. If I may prove my case, do you think humans were designed to live in the present or the past or the future?"
"Well, I think the most obvious answer is that we were designed to live in the present. Is that wrong?"


"Relax, Mack; this is not a test, it's a conversation. You are exactly correct, by the way. But now tell me, where do you spend most of your time in your mind, in your imagination, in the present, in the past, or in the future?"
"I suppose I would have to say that I spend very little time in the present. For me, I spend a big piece in the past, but most of the rest of the time, I am trying to figure out the future."


"Not unlike most people. When I dwell with you, I do so in the present - I live in the present. Not the past, although much can be remembered and learned by looking back, but only for a visit, not an extended stay. And for sure, I do not dwell in the future you visualize or imagine. Mack, do you realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always indicated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you?"
"Why do I do that?"


"It is your desperate attempt to get some control over something you can't. It is impossible for you to take power over the future because it isn't even real, nor will it ever be real. You try and play God, imagining the evil that you fear becoming reality, and then you try and make plans and contingencies to avoid what you fear."
"So why do I have so much fear in my life?"


"Because you don't believe. You don't know that we love you. The person who lives by their fears will not find freedom in my love. I am not talking about rational fears regarding legitimate dangers, but imagined fears, and especially the projection of those into the future. To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you. You sing about it; you talk about it, but you don't know it."
"I have so far to go."


Me too, Mack, me too.

If God presides in this present moment, then that is where I want to be.