This morning began as most other Thursday mornings.
Finn was sleeping, so I read my Bible, ate breakfast, drank my coffee and of course, checked Facebook. I had a nice long conversation with my sister while she navigated Walmart.
And then I received a phone call from my uncle, AJ, letting me know that my dad had passed away in his sleep last night.
It was truly one of those moments that surprises with its power. I cried, I called family members, I grieved.
The rest of the morning was filled with much of the same....crying, calling family members, grieving.
But in the midst of all that, I also couldn't help but be really, really thankful. My dad had been tied to a wheelchair for the last 5 years and to a walking cane for years before that. In his heart he was young and sprightly and full of endless energy, but his body would not cooperate.
I know now that he is free, running and dancing like he hasn't been able to for years. I know that he has dreamed of this day. When my brother, Matt, passed away almost 16 years ago, I remember my dad saying, "I just wish I could have gotten one more giant bear hug from him". So I also know that my dad has probably already collected on years of missed bear hugs.
I believe that it was a gift from God that Finn and I made it out to the farm to see him and his wife, Joyce, last night. My dad seemed so interested in Finn and the two of them had a funny time just smiling at each other! Finn even managed to kiss my dad's sock before I could pull him away :).
As we drove home last night, the sky was beautiful. The setting sun pierced through the clouds in beautiful and intricate ways. They were the kind of clouds that when I was a little girl, I would have thought that Jesus was coming back because of their heavenly splendor. It was a moment I gave thanks for.
When I got home last night, I wrote in my journal that I was thankful for "giving parents a 100th chance and they come through". My dad came through last night in a way that he hasn't always before.
I have not had the idealized father/daughter relationship with my dad depicted in songs such as "Butterfly Kisses" and so on. At times that has been hard for me.
But I have come to terms with the fact that my dad loved me the best way he knew how. He came to every one of my tennis matches in high school even though he had to sit in the car. He pursued relationship through frequent emails. He prayed for me every day of my life.
Looking back, exhausted, at this past day, I am mostly just grateful. Grateful that my dad got to be present at my wedding, that he got to meet and hold my firstborn, and that he got to sell us our first house. I am grateful that he was a quiet but faithful presence in my life. I am grateful for the junk food filled sleepovers at his apartment, the road trips, and his lavish use of "I love you".
I will miss you, Dad, and your smiling, dreaming, loyal optimism. And please, save some bear hugs for the rest of us.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Practice Makes Perfect, yadda yadda yadda
"If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe, then it's wrong" Romans 14:23
There are certain hopes that I have for my sweet Finners.
I want him to be kind. I want him to be generous in his love for others. I want him to not be selfish. I want him to trust and hope and dream and to know joy and peace fully and absolutely. I want him to love God more than anything else this life has to offer.
As I have been thinking about these things this past week, God has been revealing to me that the way Finn is most likely to grow in these things is to see them modeled by those he is closest to. Me. Matt. His grandmas, grandpas, cousins.
This was affirmed to me today when I read on BabyCenter.com: "Over the next few months, he may learn to assess and imitate moods and might show the first stirrings of empathy. For instance, if he hears someone crying, he may start crying too. And even though your baby's just beginning to learn about his emotions, he's picking things up from you. Over the many months (and years) to come, your child will likely copy the way he sees you treat people."
No pressure there :).
But on a serious note, there is a huge amount of responsibility I feel in teaching Finn how to treat others. And sometimes, it seems as though there couldn't be a worse person from whom to learn.
I have been selfish. I have gossiped and criticized. I have struggled, desperately at times, to learn how to love others the way that I know I should.
But recently, I have begun to study on the matter. And do you know what I have found?
1 John 3:18-21: "My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!"
Or as Nike advises: "Just Do It".
There are no more excuses like, "Well, I am just really grumpy today,"; "He cut me off! He deserved that nasty look I gave him!"; "They started it!".
There was a time about a month ago when I was at Target, and it could have been said that I was grumpy. Maybe just a little.
I found myself getting so easily annoyed with others and then instantly feeling guilty for it. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head say, "Act the exact opposite of what you feel."
So when I felt like someone was in my way, I backed up so that they had even more room to maneuver. When someone took forever looking at what I wanted to look at, I smiled politely and came back to it once they were finished. When someone was speaking so loudly it felt like her voice was attached to the loud speaker, I changed my thoughts to, "I hope that she is having a really good conversation!"
At the end of that Target trip, I didn't feel emotionally exhausted or annoyed anymore as I sometimes did in the past. I felt energized, and even more ready and eager to be kind to others that I encountered.
There have been several times since that Target trip that I have felt annoyance simmering beneath my surface and have reminded myself to act the opposite of what I feel. It is NOT always easy and sometimes means swallowing a healthy dose of pride and my idea of justice............but each time gets a little bit easier. "Work at getting along with each other and with God" (Hebrews 12:14).
Work?
I am still studying, but I think that means something like this:
If I am annoyed, I can choose "Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out." (1 Thessalonians 5:13-15)
If I feel taken advantage of, I can choose "Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." (Philippians 2:2-6)
If I am jealous, I can choose "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or prideful comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." (Romans 12:6)
If I feel the desire to judge, I can choose "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." (Romans 14:19-20)
If I get my feelings hurt, I can choose "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. 'I'll do the judging,' says God. 'I'll take care of it.'" (Romans 12:17-19)
We are so much more than our feelings. We are not prisoners to them.
There have been one too many times that I have read or underlined these scriptures in my Bible and then not put them into practice. "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." (James 1:22-24).
How is that at 29 years of age, I am just now realizing that following these principles is God's most major plan for my life? "But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well." (1 Corinthians 10:24)
The more I actively love others, the less I focus on myself. The less I focus on myself, the happier I am. Truly.
And now for my favorite: The Finn Analogy!!! Bum-da-da-bum!
He has officially become a crawler. There are times when I can honestly see the motor in his brain turning and trying to figure out just how to get to where he wants to go. It is easy to see that he knows where he wants to go, but he is just learning to possess the skills needed to get his body to immediately do what his brain wants!
Sometimes I watch him as he is straining to get to something....brain turning....knowing what he wants to do......and not quite able to do it. I cheer, I clap, I laugh - if I could will him to do it I would.
There are things that God is currently refining in me. I am learning to be less critical, more giving; I am learning to speak less and listen more; I am learning to indulge myself less and seek Him more; in general, He is teaching me to love others better.
But there are still situations when I biff it big time.
Like my Finnerooski, I am just beginning to learn how to love others the God wants me to. My brain can focus in on what I want to do but my actions don't always follow suit immediately.
Sometimes when I screw up I can be very hard on myself and dwell in the shame of failure, which is its own kind of indulgence. In the past I would have pictured God as being dreadfully ashamed of me and hiding His face. But James admits that it isn't always easy to get along with others: "You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, and treating each other with dignity and honor." (James 3:18)
So I too am learning to crawl. I am moving forward and not abiding in past mistakes but rather in a hopeful future. And I can almost sense God cheering, clapping and laughing as I figure things out by seeking Him.
What is the old adage? Practice makes perfect? I played kickball this past week and while I wasn't terrible.......I also wasn't great.
I used to be great....................in elementary school, when I last played.
But I suspect that the more I play kickball this summer, the better I will become.
Likewise, the more I practice loving others well and putting them first, the better I will become.
And since my little boy is watching and learning from me, I know that he won't observe me handling every situation perfectly all the time. But I do hope that he learns to treat others with love and kindness. I hope he learns that it is okay to mess up; it is good to receive grace.
Lastly, here is a spin on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that I love:
There are certain hopes that I have for my sweet Finners.
I want him to be kind. I want him to be generous in his love for others. I want him to not be selfish. I want him to trust and hope and dream and to know joy and peace fully and absolutely. I want him to love God more than anything else this life has to offer.
As I have been thinking about these things this past week, God has been revealing to me that the way Finn is most likely to grow in these things is to see them modeled by those he is closest to. Me. Matt. His grandmas, grandpas, cousins.
This was affirmed to me today when I read on BabyCenter.com: "Over the next few months, he may learn to assess and imitate moods and might show the first stirrings of empathy. For instance, if he hears someone crying, he may start crying too. And even though your baby's just beginning to learn about his emotions, he's picking things up from you. Over the many months (and years) to come, your child will likely copy the way he sees you treat people."
No pressure there :).
But on a serious note, there is a huge amount of responsibility I feel in teaching Finn how to treat others. And sometimes, it seems as though there couldn't be a worse person from whom to learn.
I have been selfish. I have gossiped and criticized. I have struggled, desperately at times, to learn how to love others the way that I know I should.
But recently, I have begun to study on the matter. And do you know what I have found?
1 John 3:18-21: "My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God!"
Or as Nike advises: "Just Do It".
There are no more excuses like, "Well, I am just really grumpy today,"; "He cut me off! He deserved that nasty look I gave him!"; "They started it!".
There was a time about a month ago when I was at Target, and it could have been said that I was grumpy. Maybe just a little.
I found myself getting so easily annoyed with others and then instantly feeling guilty for it. Suddenly, I heard a voice in my head say, "Act the exact opposite of what you feel."
So when I felt like someone was in my way, I backed up so that they had even more room to maneuver. When someone took forever looking at what I wanted to look at, I smiled politely and came back to it once they were finished. When someone was speaking so loudly it felt like her voice was attached to the loud speaker, I changed my thoughts to, "I hope that she is having a really good conversation!"
At the end of that Target trip, I didn't feel emotionally exhausted or annoyed anymore as I sometimes did in the past. I felt energized, and even more ready and eager to be kind to others that I encountered.
There have been several times since that Target trip that I have felt annoyance simmering beneath my surface and have reminded myself to act the opposite of what I feel. It is NOT always easy and sometimes means swallowing a healthy dose of pride and my idea of justice............but each time gets a little bit easier. "Work at getting along with each other and with God" (Hebrews 12:14).
Work?
I am still studying, but I think that means something like this:
If I am annoyed, I can choose "Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out." (1 Thessalonians 5:13-15)
If I feel taken advantage of, I can choose "Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." (Philippians 2:2-6)
If I am jealous, I can choose "Let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or prideful comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren't." (Romans 12:6)
If I feel the desire to judge, I can choose "So let's agree to use all our energy in getting along with each other. Help others with encouraging words; don't drag them down by finding fault." (Romans 14:19-20)
If I get my feelings hurt, I can choose "Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. 'I'll do the judging,' says God. 'I'll take care of it.'" (Romans 12:17-19)
We are so much more than our feelings. We are not prisoners to them.
There have been one too many times that I have read or underlined these scriptures in my Bible and then not put them into practice. "Don't fool yourself into thinking that you are a listener when you are anything but, letting the Word go in one ear and out the other. Act on what you hear! Those who hear and don't act are like those who glance in the mirror, walk away, and two minutes later have no idea who they are, what they look like." (James 1:22-24).
How is that at 29 years of age, I am just now realizing that following these principles is God's most major plan for my life? "But the point is not to just get by. We want to live well, but our foremost efforts should be to help others live well." (1 Corinthians 10:24)
The more I actively love others, the less I focus on myself. The less I focus on myself, the happier I am. Truly.
And now for my favorite: The Finn Analogy!!! Bum-da-da-bum!
He has officially become a crawler. There are times when I can honestly see the motor in his brain turning and trying to figure out just how to get to where he wants to go. It is easy to see that he knows where he wants to go, but he is just learning to possess the skills needed to get his body to immediately do what his brain wants!
Sometimes I watch him as he is straining to get to something....brain turning....knowing what he wants to do......and not quite able to do it. I cheer, I clap, I laugh - if I could will him to do it I would.
There are things that God is currently refining in me. I am learning to be less critical, more giving; I am learning to speak less and listen more; I am learning to indulge myself less and seek Him more; in general, He is teaching me to love others better.
But there are still situations when I biff it big time.
Like my Finnerooski, I am just beginning to learn how to love others the God wants me to. My brain can focus in on what I want to do but my actions don't always follow suit immediately.
Sometimes when I screw up I can be very hard on myself and dwell in the shame of failure, which is its own kind of indulgence. In the past I would have pictured God as being dreadfully ashamed of me and hiding His face. But James admits that it isn't always easy to get along with others: "You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, and treating each other with dignity and honor." (James 3:18)
So I too am learning to crawl. I am moving forward and not abiding in past mistakes but rather in a hopeful future. And I can almost sense God cheering, clapping and laughing as I figure things out by seeking Him.
What is the old adage? Practice makes perfect? I played kickball this past week and while I wasn't terrible.......I also wasn't great.
I used to be great....................in elementary school, when I last played.
But I suspect that the more I play kickball this summer, the better I will become.
Likewise, the more I practice loving others well and putting them first, the better I will become.
And since my little boy is watching and learning from me, I know that he won't observe me handling every situation perfectly all the time. But I do hope that he learns to treat others with love and kindness. I hope he learns that it is okay to mess up; it is good to receive grace.
Lastly, here is a spin on 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 that I love:
“I am patient with you because I love you and want to forgive you.
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you
and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you,
and ‘love covers a multitude of sins.’ “
(Jerry Bridges)
Action Statements based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Discipline of Grace, p. 39
I am kind to you because I love you and want to help you.
I do not envy your possessions or your gifts because I love you
and want you to have the best.
I do not boast about my attainments because I love you and want to hear about yours.
I am not proud because I love you and want to esteem you before myself.
I am not rude because I love you and care about your feelings.
I am not self-seeking because I love you and want to meet your needs.
I am not easily angered by you because I love you and want to overlook your offenses.
I do not keep a record of your wrongs because I love you,
and ‘love covers a multitude of sins.’ “
(Jerry Bridges)
Action Statements based on 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Discipline of Grace, p. 39
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Silly Sadnesses
Finn has learned the art of crying every time I leave the room:
Now the only question is........do I love this or hate this??? I have never felt so loved and challenged at the same time!!!!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Kicking My Own Booty - Day Seven
The first week is officially complete! Matt and I have both been healthy eaters for 7 whole days! And I have to say, it is a huge part of our success to have each other as support.
The good news is that I weighed myself yesterday and I have already lost a few pounds.
The better news is that I feel different - better about myself.
The bad news is that I really miss my sweets. I think that has been the most difficult part of this for me. As a reward last night, we treated ourselves to Cherry Berry. However, instead of my past concoctions which consisted of filling the carton to the brim and topping it with candy, I used more reserve in the amount and topped it off with all fruit.
And it was still delicious! Maybe slightly less so.....but delicious none the less. Let's just say I was very thankful for Cherry Berry last night!
I also set the goal for us that once we have a whole month of eating healthy under our belts, we can go shopping for some new clothes (although Matt said that he would rather put that money toward a new guitar...............ug, men :)
3 more weeks until I get a fancy new outfit to go with the fancy new way I feel about myself!
(taken while we were engaged - this is the weight range we are shooting for!)
The good news is that I weighed myself yesterday and I have already lost a few pounds.
The better news is that I feel different - better about myself.
The bad news is that I really miss my sweets. I think that has been the most difficult part of this for me. As a reward last night, we treated ourselves to Cherry Berry. However, instead of my past concoctions which consisted of filling the carton to the brim and topping it with candy, I used more reserve in the amount and topped it off with all fruit.
And it was still delicious! Maybe slightly less so.....but delicious none the less. Let's just say I was very thankful for Cherry Berry last night!
I also set the goal for us that once we have a whole month of eating healthy under our belts, we can go shopping for some new clothes (although Matt said that he would rather put that money toward a new guitar...............ug, men :)
3 more weeks until I get a fancy new outfit to go with the fancy new way I feel about myself!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Masterpiece? Really?
I have been pretty hard on myself this last week - blame it on hormones or starting a new diet or whatever. And it is at times like this that I have a really hard time grasping God's love for me or the fact that He has good plans for me: "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord. 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11).
This past week Finn has meandered up and down the emotional spectrum - one day super fussy, one day amazingly happy. Last night when he was happy, I found myself telling him, "Finn, I love you when you are fussy and I love you when you are happy; but I definitely enjoy you more when you're happy!"
And as usual, I couldn't help but relate this to me and God. It hit me that he loves me even when I feel very unlovable and gross and ugly inside and out. Although He very well probably enjoys me more when I choose to trust in His love for me and just RELAX.
I came across this video today and although I have seen it before (many of those who go to church have probably seen it), it had me tearing up today with chills up and down my arm.
God loves me in ways I can't always understand. My faith comes from believing that with my entire heart......and I am still working on dwelling in that perfect faith. If it brings me closer to you, God........chisel away.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Kicking My Own Booty - Day One
I was watching an episode of Gilmore Girls awhile back, and it struck me as strangely familiar. In it, Lorelai is having a conversation with Luke, who is instructing her why eating healthy is important. The conversation went like this (I tried to find the clip on YouTube, to no avail):
Luke: How's the cold coming?
Lorelai: It's fine.
Luke: Any better?
Lorelai: It's fine.
Luke: Because it's the third day in a row you've ordered soup for breakfast.
Lorelai: Oh! Thanks for the tally.
Luke: You know what helps get rid of a cold?
Lorelai: Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning?
Luke: A healthy immune system.
Lorelai: My second guess!
Luke: You know how you get a healthy immune system?
Lorelai: Remember when you hated me? That was fun, wasn't it?
Luke: Is it eating nothing but crap all day and blowing out your braincells with coffee?
Rory: No.
Luke: That's right. No.
Lorelai: Why are you helping him?
Rory: No seemed like the right answer.
Luke: If you eat a vegetable now and then, maybe some high fiber cereal in the morning...
Lorelai: Luke, my soup is getting cold.
Luke: At least eat the carrots in the soup this time, not just the noodles?
Lorelai: I promise. (to Rory) Here, eat my carrots.
I was pretty sure as I watching it that I have had a similar conversation on many occasions, which each went in one ear and (you know the drill) out. the. other.
Today is the big day that I began my quest to eat healthier. My friend, Devin, was kind enough to put together some instructions on how to begin this battle of the bulge. The groceries have been bought, the junk has been purged, and my husband is on board with me as a partner in tackling weight loss.
And I have to say, for a first day it was not so bad! I went to the zoo with my best friend, Chanelle, and her 3 kids; I remembered my little snacks; I've been drinking my water; I went on a walk with Finn this afternoon. I am feeling perty good! Tonight for dinner, my uber talented husband put together an absolutely delicious meal of salmon, rice and broccoli. Yes, I, who as a 23 year old had to ask my friends how to eat broccoli, ate broccoli for dinner. I wish I would have taken a picture of that meal as well, but it smelled too amazing to waste time snapping a photo.
This is progress!
Who knows - if I keep it up, I may end up being in better shape by my 30th birthday in January than I was for my 18th birthday. Take that world!
And then, to celebrate, you can buy me a gigantic, fudge-filled ice cream cake! :)
Luke: How's the cold coming?
Lorelai: It's fine.
Luke: Any better?
Lorelai: It's fine.
Luke: Because it's the third day in a row you've ordered soup for breakfast.
Lorelai: Oh! Thanks for the tally.
Luke: You know what helps get rid of a cold?
Lorelai: Endless vague questioning first thing in the morning?
Luke: A healthy immune system.
Lorelai: My second guess!
Luke: You know how you get a healthy immune system?
Lorelai: Remember when you hated me? That was fun, wasn't it?
Luke: Is it eating nothing but crap all day and blowing out your braincells with coffee?
Rory: No.
Luke: That's right. No.
Lorelai: Why are you helping him?
Rory: No seemed like the right answer.
Luke: If you eat a vegetable now and then, maybe some high fiber cereal in the morning...
Lorelai: Luke, my soup is getting cold.
Luke: At least eat the carrots in the soup this time, not just the noodles?
Lorelai: I promise. (to Rory) Here, eat my carrots.
I was pretty sure as I watching it that I have had a similar conversation on many occasions, which each went in one ear and (you know the drill) out. the. other.
Today is the big day that I began my quest to eat healthier. My friend, Devin, was kind enough to put together some instructions on how to begin this battle of the bulge. The groceries have been bought, the junk has been purged, and my husband is on board with me as a partner in tackling weight loss.
(One final supper of indulgent goodness last night)
And I have to say, for a first day it was not so bad! I went to the zoo with my best friend, Chanelle, and her 3 kids; I remembered my little snacks; I've been drinking my water; I went on a walk with Finn this afternoon. I am feeling perty good! Tonight for dinner, my uber talented husband put together an absolutely delicious meal of salmon, rice and broccoli. Yes, I, who as a 23 year old had to ask my friends how to eat broccoli, ate broccoli for dinner. I wish I would have taken a picture of that meal as well, but it smelled too amazing to waste time snapping a photo.
This is progress!
Who knows - if I keep it up, I may end up being in better shape by my 30th birthday in January than I was for my 18th birthday. Take that world!
And then, to celebrate, you can buy me a gigantic, fudge-filled ice cream cake! :)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
To My Brother on His 38th Birthday
Dear Matt -
Tomorrow would have been your 38th birthday. Each year when this day comes around, I cannot help but stop and think about where you would be if you were still here on this earth. Would you be working as a therapist? Would you own your own ranch? Would you still love a good cowboy hat? Would you be married and have children? Its been almost 16 years and that feels like such a very long time to not have you here.
When I was 13, I was still very immature and didn't know how to handle your passing. So I wore your Army jacket everywhere I went; I slept with your bandana every night; I attached your dog tag to my key ring. I don't think I understood the gravity of your passing until much, much later and there is a part of me that still feels guilty that I didn't mourn you the way I 'should' have.
The reality of your not being here anymore hits me at some peculiar moments - when I'm watching a movie, or talking to my son, or every time I hear "The Dance". Sometimes I cry and sometimes I smile, but mostly at these times, I just wish I had known you more then and was able to know you now.
What I know of you is that you were strong. You were passionate. You cared deeply but didn't let everyone see it. You were a risk-taker. You were a protector.
Through the years, I have found ways of dealing with your death. I love to think back on memories of you and look through pictures. I love it when our family sits around and shares stories about you because they remember so much more than I do. And I no longer wear your Army jacket; I no longer sleep with your bandana; but I do still keep your dog tag on my key ring.
You will always my big brother and I am excited to see you again someday soon.
I love you and I miss you,
Gretchen
P.S. Thanks for the Slurpee.
Tomorrow would have been your 38th birthday. Each year when this day comes around, I cannot help but stop and think about where you would be if you were still here on this earth. Would you be working as a therapist? Would you own your own ranch? Would you still love a good cowboy hat? Would you be married and have children? Its been almost 16 years and that feels like such a very long time to not have you here.
When I was 13, I was still very immature and didn't know how to handle your passing. So I wore your Army jacket everywhere I went; I slept with your bandana every night; I attached your dog tag to my key ring. I don't think I understood the gravity of your passing until much, much later and there is a part of me that still feels guilty that I didn't mourn you the way I 'should' have.
The reality of your not being here anymore hits me at some peculiar moments - when I'm watching a movie, or talking to my son, or every time I hear "The Dance". Sometimes I cry and sometimes I smile, but mostly at these times, I just wish I had known you more then and was able to know you now.
What I know of you is that you were strong. You were passionate. You cared deeply but didn't let everyone see it. You were a risk-taker. You were a protector.
Through the years, I have found ways of dealing with your death. I love to think back on memories of you and look through pictures. I love it when our family sits around and shares stories about you because they remember so much more than I do. And I no longer wear your Army jacket; I no longer sleep with your bandana; but I do still keep your dog tag on my key ring.
You will always my big brother and I am excited to see you again someday soon.
I love you and I miss you,
Gretchen
P.S. Thanks for the Slurpee.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)