Tomorrow would have been your 38th birthday. Each year when this day comes around, I cannot help but stop and think about where you would be if you were still here on this earth. Would you be working as a therapist? Would you own your own ranch? Would you still love a good cowboy hat? Would you be married and have children? Its been almost 16 years and that feels like such a very long time to not have you here.
When I was 13, I was still very immature and didn't know how to handle your passing. So I wore your Army jacket everywhere I went; I slept with your bandana every night; I attached your dog tag to my key ring. I don't think I understood the gravity of your passing until much, much later and there is a part of me that still feels guilty that I didn't mourn you the way I 'should' have.
The reality of your not being here anymore hits me at some peculiar moments - when I'm watching a movie, or talking to my son, or every time I hear "The Dance". Sometimes I cry and sometimes I smile, but mostly at these times, I just wish I had known you more then and was able to know you now.
What I know of you is that you were strong. You were passionate. You cared deeply but didn't let everyone see it. You were a risk-taker. You were a protector.
Through the years, I have found ways of dealing with your death. I love to think back on memories of you and look through pictures. I love it when our family sits around and shares stories about you because they remember so much more than I do. And I no longer wear your Army jacket; I no longer sleep with your bandana; but I do still keep your dog tag on my key ring.
You will always my big brother and I am excited to see you again someday soon.
I love you and I miss you,
Gretchen
P.S. Thanks for the Slurpee.
This is lovely, Gretch.
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