Slapping Perfection

Personal goals: good or bad?

When I began my graduate school program 20 years ago in 2007, I set for myself a personal goal to graduate with a 4.0.

There was no particular reason for this, other than to prove to myself that I could do it. My mom, in her graduate program, graduated with a 4.0, so the most I can gather is that I set this goal for myself because I want to be as cool as my mom.

This semester, as many of you may know, has been extremely difficult for me. On top of taking two classes, I have been seeing clients for the first time in my life, spending one day a week at a school in Harrisburg, and preparing for and taking my comprehensive exams.

At this point, all that I can say is UFDA.

At the end of this semester, one could hypothesize that simply making it through with my faculties fully intact would be enough.

Hmmmm......but then there was that pesky personal goal that I set for myself.

My goal has been endangered for the greater part of the semester, as I was not securing as high of grades as I am used to in one of my classes.

This last week, my grade was teetering precariously between A and B and I had to force myself to face the reality that I may very well get my first B in the program.

Was I okay with a B? Could I still be proud of myself with a B? Would I forever look back on my life with this failed personal goal as a stain on my masters degree?

I pep-talked myself until I was sick of my own inner voice: "Perfection is boring, Gretchen!", "Only God can offer perfection, Gretchen!", "You are still a good student with a B on your record, Gretchen!", "You are blessed in every single way, Gretchen - knock it off!"

I even had a friend in the program who repeatedly chanted to me this week: "I'd prefer an A, but I'm okay with a B". Counselors can be so annoying :).

All of this was not working with me. I had to face the inner demon of perfectionism and we fought all week.

And then, miraculously, I forgot about the situation for a couple of days.

Things came to a head today when my last assignment grade was entered. I added up all of my assignments and realized that I had received a .949 (one needs a 95% for an A). I festered, I maybe cried a little bit, I did further calculations that proved that a mere half point more on any assignment would have pushed me over .95.

Was a half point really going to end my goal of 4.0? In my last class in my last semester of classes? Really?!

After stewing about it over lunch with my family, I decided to email my professor. I danced around the real issue in the email, but what I was really asking was "Will you round up? Oh please round up?!"

Then...........I took a bath and removed myself from watching my computer for a response. And I felt a peace float to the top of emotions.

This peace was not the result of trying to reason or argue with myself that getting a B wouldn't bother me. After all, I'd been trying that all week and it was not working.

It was truly a gift from God; I surrendered - seriously - the final result of this class.

This all served as a much needed reminder of how much I cannot do for myself. I can't bring myself peace and I can't slap perfection in the face by myself; I need the mighty hand of God for that.

As a person plagued with insecurity, I also can't be okay with my insecurities by myself (which is really what perfectionism is about for me). For that, I need to trust in what God says about me and give THAT precedence in my life.

Two hours later, I heard back from my professor......

and she rounded up.

Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve this goal this semester, because I know I did not do it alone:

- My amazingly supportive husband, who loves me and calls me smart and beautiful when I feel far from it.
- My amazingly supportive mother, who serves as a wonderful role model for me and who helped us indescribably with Finn.
- Matt's bosses, Quentin and Dianne, who were lenient with his schedule to make room for mine, which  further held us up these last few months.
- Kiki and Chanelle who served as endless sounding boards.....Kiki sent me a text early in the semester that said, "You got this" and I repeated that to myself often. Chanelle gave me a necklace that I would wear into my sessions that served as a reminder of who God made me to be.
- My awesome in-laws, Dave and Lynette, who provided help with Finn and other support which alleviated so much semester stress for both me and Matt.

I end this day thankful. Thankful, yes for the survival of my goal, but more so for this blessed life I get to lead. My insecurities tell me that I don't deserve it, but God gives it all anyway.

To Him be the glory.