February 27

Today's date hit me as I was getting ready this morning. It is February 28, which made yesterday February 27 (yeah...duh). Throughout this past year, February 27 has been an important date for me because it was the date by which I measured my due date with Finn. For those who don't know, your due date is typically measured 40 weeks out by the day that you got your last period (sorry fellas).

And so I started thinking about last year's February 27. I remember that I was at Menards with my husband and his parents and I just knew. I knew that the monthly monster had come; that meant that yet another month had gone by without us getting pregnant. I recall trying to make myself feel better by reminding myself that it can take many healthy couples up to a year to get pregnant and that we had only been trying for a couple of months. However, in the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like a failure. My sister and her husband had been blessed to get pregnant immediately every single time that they tried. A couple of my best friends had gotten pregnant without even technically trying. Comparing myself with them made me feel like an ugly duckling to God. Comparing can be so dangerous!

I allowed myself to live with anxiety during those few months of trying. While I would try to think hopeful thoughts of getting pregnant, I often dwelt in negativity. Did God not want me to get pregnant because He didn't think I would be a good mother? That made sense - I would spend time thinking about every one of my negative qualities and use them as reasons why I wouldn't make a good mother. I would jump to the worst case scenario - what if we never got pregnant? Matt wanted to be a father more than anything else in the world - what if I could never give that to him? Could he still love me? Despite his frequent reassurances I found myself fighting off these dark clouds that lurked around every attempt at positive thinking. For every hopeful thought there were 5 negative ones. And so February 27 was not a great day for me at the time. If I had only known.

Of course, God doesn't really work that way - in our knowing. He works in our faith. He doesn't give us the whole picture because if He did there would be no reason to put our faith in Him to trust Him to take care of us. Rather He guides us one step at a time; the more we trust that He loves us and will take care of us, the less anxious we will feel. I guess that was my problem - I didn't allow myself to feel loved by or cared for by God. I didn't trust that He would bring me good things because I didn't feel that I deserved them. I found more comfort in picking myself apart and finding reasons why He wouldn't want to bless me with a child than believing that He loved me enough to make me a good mother despite my faults.

February 27. About one month later I had the incredible blessing to be able to take a pregnancy test and have it be positive. Therefore, looking back on February 27 and its sadness, I am able to see in retrospect that that day was just a hurdle to get over. What I had thought was a miserable day of disappointment, God had turned to be a marker for Finn's birth. What I had taken as failure, God turned around for good. While I had hated that day at the time, I now love February 27.

I wish I could say that once I took that positive pregnancy test that all anxiety flew out the window and I pranced my way carefree to the day my son was born. I definitely still felt anxious sometimes but I was determined to not waste my pregnancy with negative thoughts. Therefore, every time I would wonder about the possibility of miscarrying or of him having some genetic defect or of something going wrong during delivery, I would acknowledge these fears to God. And then? Then I would choose to be thankful. When I would worry about miscarriage, I would thank God that He had allowed me to carry and be a mother to that child for as long as possible. When I worried about our son having something wrong with him, I thanked God for the overcoming love that was already in me for my baby and prayed for the strength to bear any bad news. When I had anxious thoughts about something going wrong during delivery, I thanked God that I had gotten to spend so many months already with my baby and focused on spending energy on praying for a safe delivery instead of on worrying.

It wasn't always easy and the anxiety didn't always disappear right away, but as I continued to give thanks, God spoke peace to my heart every single time. As I thanked Him and kept my eyes on Him, He allowed me to believe that everything would be fine with my baby. I guess that what I learned through all of that time (and what I am still learning) is that thankfulness is a great deterrent for anxiety. Anxiety can momentarily steal our peace of mind but it cannot take away our gratitude for what God has already done. Thankfulness and gratefulness are effective antidotes to worst case scenario thinking. From someone who has spent far too much time dwelling on those worst case scenarios, trust me :).

For those who don't trust me (I'll get over it), trust David. He frequently struggled with thoughts of doom and gloom and he found renewed strength in thanking and praising God and remembering God's faithfulness. There are many psalms that  can attest to this; I like the way David sums it up it Psalm 13:

"Long enough, God - You've ignored me long enough. I've looked at the back of Your head long enough. Long enough I've carried this ton of trouble, lived with a stomach full of pain. Long enough my arrogant enemies have looked down their noses at me. Take a good look at me, God, my God; I want to look life in the eye, so no enemy can get the best of me or laugh when I fall on my face. I've thrown myself headlong into your arms-I'm celebrating Your rescue. I'm singing at the top of my lungs, I'm so full of answered prayers" (this version is the Message; NIV is also great).

I like this one because David goes from frustration to praise is such a short amount of time. He feels unheard and I perceive his "stomach full of pain" as anxiety - especially if you read the NIV too. Anyone who has ever dealt with anxiety knows how it can make you sick to your stomach. Then David trusts that God has heard him - he believes he will be rescued in this situation because he is focusing on all of his answered prayers, all of the times God has answered him before. Thankfulness for answered prayers brings renewed faith that God has heard and will be gracious again! Amazingness!

Okay, phew, this post is waaaaay longer than I originally intended. In fact, it evolved into something I wasn't even thinking about when I sat down and began typing. I tend to spew a bit at the keyboard methinks! So I am stopping now before I go off on another rant...

Happy February 28th! I hope this is a great day for you but if it is craptastic I pray that God will turn it for something much greater - even if the greater isn't revealed until you look back on it! I leave you grateful that there is no 29th of February this year so we are one day closer to spring! Hallelujah!

To Blog or Not to Blog

I can honestly say that I have considered becoming a blogger (bloggist? bloggadeer? bloggatist?) at least a dozen times. I have always really enjoyed writing, which my mountains of old journals and beat up notebooks full of stories attest to. I always found some sort of excuse not to.

After getting wrapped up this week in a couple of my friends' blogs however, I was able to fully glean the therapeutic benefits of it. And since my husband and I decided that I should stay home and take care of our son (praise!) I find myself with a bit more time on my hands - at least on a good nap day - and I find myself needing an outlet to TALK. Matt and I realized pretty early on in my maternity leave that when he gets home at the end of the day he needs to not have to talk and I am desperate for adult interaction. Thank heavens for my almost daily conversations with my mom and sister or I would be an even sorrier case.

Hence, blogging. Even if nobody reads or cares, I am able to work my way through these thoughts that swirl about in my head. I have always been more effective at expressing myself through the written word anyway. Finn will not need to be my confidante; I can write on my own time and when I am with him we can just make googly eyes at each other and coo and babble back and forth. I truly cannot think of anything better.